Queer as Folk s03e09 Episode Script

ÿþ1 ONE TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ Singing in foreign language .]
AM I SEEING WHAT I THINK I'M SEEING? YES, YOU ARE SEEING IT.
IT'S THE MOST HISTORIC REUNI- FICATION SINCE GERMANY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FIDDLER? HE FELL OFF THE ROOF.
[ Chuckling .]
HEY, COME ON NOW.
WHY DON'T WE GO SHAKE A TAIL FEATHER ON THE DANCE FLOOR? MMM, MY BACK'S STILL ACTING UP.
BUT YOU GO AHEAD.
ENJOY YOURSELF.
MIND IF I BORROW YOUR HUSBAND? JUST BE SURE TO KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE HIS WAIST AT ALL TIMES.
YOU TAKE THE FUN OUT OF EVERYTHING.
TWO SONGS, THEN COME RESCUE ME.
ANOTHER OF MY USUAL.
COMING UP.
[ Sigh .]
VODKA.
.
.
AND VICACET.
THOSE THINGS ARE STRONG.
BETTER GO EASY.
WELL, NOT LIKE I HAVE TO GET UP FOR WORK IN THE MORNING.
HECK, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE TO GET UP FOR ANYTHING.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE.
EVERYONE'S SAYING THERE'RE UNDERCOVER COPS EVERYWHERE.
OH, FUCK.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT HOT.
[ Moaning .]
Jim: I'LL ALWAYS CHER- ISH THE TIMES I SPENT WITH MY DAD, BUILDING MODEL PLANES, HEARING HIS STORIES, HIS WORDS OF ADVICE.
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS I EVER LEARNED IS.
.
.
"IF YOU SAY IT, MEAN IT".
RIGHT, BOYS? Both: RIGHT, DAD.
WHEN I SAY I'M GOING TO MAKE PITTSBURGH FAMILY- FRIENDLY ONCE MORE, YOU CAN BE SURE I MEAN IT.
Man: AND CUT! YOU GOOD? YEAH.
THAT WAS GREAT, JIM.
YOU TOO, GUYS.
BOYS, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR BASKETBALL.
Boys: BYE, DAD.
HEY, WIN THAT GAME! HOW'D HE DO? HOPE I WASN'T TOO STIFF.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE A STIFF BONE IN YOUR BODY.
I GOT ONE.
MY BACK'S KILLING ME.
WHAT? OLD SPORTS INJURY? HOW'D YOU GUESS? Woman: HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO SOAK IN THE HOT TUB? GOOD IDEA.
HEY, YOU WANT TO JOIN ME? UM.
.
.
DON'T USUALLY TRAVEL WITH A SWIMSUIT.
WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF GUYS.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? COME ON.
Michael: THERE'RE A LOT OF PERKS TO BEING A MEMBER OF THE Q-MART FAMILY.
THERE'S THE EMPLOYEE PENSION.
OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO WORK HERE 50 YEARS TO GET THAT.
[ Chuckling .]
THEN THERE'S THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.
OH, WELL, IT'S A RELIEF TO KNOW I'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY FULL PRICE FOR TOILET PAPER AGAIN.
IT'S JUST.
.
.
DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH, OKAY? THIS ISN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE USED TO.
THERE'S NO SHAME IN EARNING AN HONEST DAY'S PAY FOR AN HONEST DAY'S WORK.
AND THE FACT THAT YOU'D GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO HELP ME IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
TRACE! Tracy: MIKE! LOOK AT YOU! MANAGER! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? NOBODY DESERVES IT MORE.
AWW.
TRACY, THIS IS TED.
HI.
TED SCHMIDT.
NICE TO MEET YOU, TRACY.
YOU TOO, TED.
MIKE SAYS YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW MIKE.
ALL HEART, NO TASTE.
.
.
BUT THANKS FOR CONSIDERING ME FOR THE JOB.
IT'S FOR ASSISTANT BOOKKEEPER.
FROM THE RESUME YOU SENT ME, YOU SEEM A LITTLE OVERQUALIFIED.
OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
AS I WAS JUST SAYING TO MICHAEL, THERE'S NO SHAME IN EARNING AN HONEST DAY'S PAY FOR AN HONEST DAY'S WORK.
WELL, THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE.
SO WHY DON'T WE GO UP TO MY OFFICE, OR SHOULD I SAY CUBICLE? YEAH.
AND WE'LL DISCUSS WHAT THE POSITION ENTAILS.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
OKAY.
TAGGART CASE, PROBABLY BE GOING TO TRIAL JUST AS I GO INTO LABOUR.
I'LL TAKE OVER.
ONE LESS THING YOU'LL BE SCREAMING ABOUT WHILE YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH.
THANKS, DEE.
AND I'LL TAKE OVER THE MORTIMER CASE, BUT WE MAY NEED YOU TO CONSULT.
HEY, I'M NOT RETIRING, JUST CUTTING BACK.
WHAT? NOTHING.
NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE.
.
.
SLOWING DOWN.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL SITTING DOWN.
I JUST GOT THE NEWS.
THE STATE SUPREME COURT HAS ACCEPTED OUR APPEAL ON ARLEN VERSUS ARLEN.
OH-H-H! DID YOU DREAM THIS DAY WOULD EVER COME? I WAS BEGINNING TO HAVE MY DOUBTS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO CALL THE CLIENT AND TELL HER.
YOU MIGHT ALSO WANT TO TELL HER I'LL BE TAKING OVER AS LEAD COUNSEL.
EXCUSE ME? WELL, YOU ASKED THE FIRM TO LIGHTEN YOUR WORKLOAD, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DEE, ERIC, UH, WE'LL BE RECONVEN- ING IN MY OFFICE.
WE NEED TO GO OVER THE BRIEFING SCHEDULE, START MAPPING OUT OUR STRATEGY.
OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
I SPENT THE LAST THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE GETTING THIS CASE TO COURT.
IT'S GOING TO BE A LANDMARK DECISION.
AND IT'S ALSO GOING TO TAKE YOUR FULL AND UNDIVIDED ATTENTION FROM NOW UNTIL WE GO TO TRIAL.
THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN DO ALL THAT'S REQUIRED AND ONLY WORK PART-TIME.
OKAY.
AH-H.
IT'S HOT.
TAKES SOME GETTING USED TO, BUT ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE, FEELS DAMN GOOD.
[ Chuckle .]
YEAH.
I LIKE YOU, KINNEY.
UH, THANKS.
.
.
JIM.
YOU TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY PLAN IS AFTER I GET ELECTED? BAIL ON ALL YOUR CAMPAIGN PROMISES, EMBEZZLE THE CITY PAYROLL AND ABSCOND TO SOUTH AMERICA.
I PLAN ON INTRODUCING YOU TO EVERY FAT CAT WHO'S BEEN BACKING MY CAMPAIGN.
WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
WHY THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS? I ALSO LIKE YOUR STYLE.
STRAIGHTFORWARD, NO BULLSHIT.
YOU GOT BALLS.
OH, YOU NOTICED.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING I NEVER TOLD A LIVING SOUL, EXCEPT MY WIFE.
I'M SCARED.
SCARED SHITLESS.
OF LOSING? OF WINNING.
AFTER ALL, I'M JUST A COP.
MY DAD WAS A COP.
MY BROTHERS ARE COPS.
WHEN I WAS PROMOTED TO SERGEANT I THOUGHT, "THIS IS IT.
" I NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING MORE.
AND NOW, I MAY BE RUNNING AN ENTIRE CITY.
PEOPLE'LL BE COUNT- ING ON ME TO COME THROUGH FOR THEM.
I QUESTION WHETHER I HAVE THE GOODS.
THAT'S NEVER STOPPED A POLITICIAN BEFORE.
BESIDES, EVERYBODY HAS DOUBTS.
EVEN YOU? SOMETIMES.
HMM.
I FIGURED YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE GOLDEN BOYS, NEVER LOST A MINUTE'S SLEEP WORRYING WHETHER YOU COULD PULL IT OFF.
OH, I CAN ALWAYS PULL IT OFF.
SO CAN YOU.
PINK PLATE SPECIAL.
.
.
FOR MY SPECIAL GUY.
FISH AND CHIPS, DOUBLE TARTAR SAUCE.
HOT AND DELICIOUS, AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE LUNCH.
BETTER LET IT COOL OFF A BIT.
DON'T WANT TO BURN YOUR TONGUE.
AND TRACY TOLD ME ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS GET ME APPROVED BY THE DISTRICT MANAGER, BUT THAT THAT WAS A MERE FORMALITY.
OH, TEDDY, I AM SO HAPPY.
OF COURSE, IT'S ONLY AN ASSISTANT BOOKKEEPER POSITION AND SHE ADMITTED THE PAY'S RIDIC- ULOUS.
BUT.
.
.
WELL, LIKE I TOLD HER, NO SHAME IN EARNING AN HONEST DAY'S PAY FOR AN HONEST DAY'S WORK.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT TONIGHT AND CELEBRATE, JUST THE TWO OF US? MMM.
Debbie: JUST THE TWO OF YOU AND, HOPEFULLY, CLOSEST FRIENDS.
THE "TEASE FOR TEENS" CONTEST AT WOODY'S TONIGHT TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE, HUH? KIKI, THE NEW WAITRESS, FORMERLY KENNY THE OLD WAITER, IS THE MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES.
I HEAR SHE'S SO FUNNY, YOU'RE GONNA BUST A GUT! Woman: OH-H-H! FUCK! Debbie: KENNY? KIKI, WHAT'S THE MATTER? I JUST HAD THE PINK PLATE SPECIAL.
[ Wild cheering of crowd .]
I'LL BRING YOU A BURGER.
Ted: I'LL HAVE THE TUNA SALAD, SALMONELLA ON THE SIDE.
DEB, COULD YOU FILL IN FOR ME? OH, SURE, HONEY.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
NOW SIT DOWN.
YEAH, I'LL TAKE OVER YOUR SHIFT.
I MEAN AT THE CONTEST TONIGHT.
I THINK YOU HAVE A TOUCH OF DELIRIUM.
YOU'D BETTER ASK ONE OF YOUR SISTERS.
WELL, THEY ALL MODEL THEMSELVES AFTER YOU, SO WHY NOT GO WITH THE ORIGINAL, HUH? [ Gagging .]
I'M.
.
.
I'M GOOD AT DISHING UP HASH BROWNS.
.
.
NOT DISHING OUT INTROS.
DEB? YOU'D BE GREAT.
YOU'RE BIGGER THAN LIFE.
WITH AN EVEN BIGGER MOUTH.
YA MIND NOT INSULTING ME IN FRONT OF THE.
.
.
B.
F.
? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY GIRL.
BIGGER THAN LIFE, AND A MOUTH TO MATCH.
I WOULDN'T WANT HER ANY OTHER WAY.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT IT'S HOT.
IT'S PRAC- TICALLY PORN.
IT WOULD SELL A BAZILLION COPIES.
IF IT'S NOT CONFISCATED FIRST.
WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
THINK OF THE FREE PUBLICITY.
WORKING FOR BRIAN'S RUBBED OFF ON YOU, IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
I SAY WE GO WITH THIS ONE.
IT'S COMPLETELY ANTISEPTIC.
IT ESTABLISHES OUR NEW VILLAIN, ICE TINA.
IT.
.
.
IT PLACES OUR HERO IN JEOPARDY.
YEAH, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A GAY COMIC.
UNAPOLOGETIC, DARING, SEXUAL, IN YOUR FUCKING FACE.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING DARING AND SEX FOR SEX'S SAKE.
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK THIS IS? J.
T.
GIVING RAGE A BLOW JOB ISN'T JUST ABOUT SEX.
IT'S ABOUT THAWING HIS COLD HEART.
IT'S ABOUT BRINGING HIM BACK TO LIFE.
IT'S ABOUT THEIR LOVE, THEIR UNSPOKEN COMMITMENT.
ART IMITATING LIFE? [ Sighing .]
YOU WERE RIGHT.
BRIAN SHOWED ME HE LOVED ME.
.
.
EVERY DAY, EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER SAID IT.
EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER WILL.
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO BE RIGHT.
THINK IT OVER.
[ Closing of door .]
AFTER 15 YEARS OF LITERALLY LIVING IN HELL, SHE FINALLY LEAVES HER DRUNK, ABUSIVE, UN- EMPLOYED HUSBAND FOR A WOMAN.
IS THIS RIGHT? YEAH, JUST STIR IT INTO THE SAUCE AND ADD THE WINE.
HERE.
I CAN DO IT.
SO, WHAT DOES THE ASSHOLE EX-HUSBAND DO? SUES FOR CUSTODY OF THEIR THREE KIDS, AND THE FUCKING JUDGE ACTUALLY AWARDS IT TO HIM.
WHY? BECAUSE A DRUNK, ABUSIVE, UNEMPLOYED STRAIGHT MALE MAKES A BETTER PARENT THAN TWO LESBIANS ANY DAY.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
MAKE SURE THE MEAT DOESN'T GET TOO DONE.
I CAN DO IT.
NOW ALL SHE HAS IS SUPERVISED VISITATION.
SHE'S MISERABLE, THE KIDS ARE MISERABLE.
TALK ABOUT UNJUST.
WHICH IS WHY I HAVE TO WIN IT.
<i>YOU</i> HAVE TO WIN IT.
I KNOW I SAID I'D EASE UP, AND I HAVE BEEN, HAVEN'T I? BUT THIS IS GOING TO BE A LANDMARK CASE, WHAT I'VE BEEN WORKING TOWARDS MY ENTIRE CAREER.
IT.
.
.
IT'S IMPORTANT, NOT JUST FOR STATE CUSTODY LAW, BUT FOR THE COMMUNITY, FOR US, FOR OUR CHILDREN.
WHAT CAN I SAY AFTER SUCH AN IMPASSIONED PLEA? EXCEPT THAT YOU'RE PREGNANT AND WE MADE AN AGREEMENT.
AND I INTEND TO HONOUR IT, I PROMISE.
I JUST HAVE TO BE EXTRA- SPECIAL CAUTIOUS ABOUT BUDGETING MY TIME, THAT'S ALL.
I.
.
.
HEY, IT'S GOING TO BURN! I CAN DO IT.
OH, AND CAN YOU DO ME A HUGE FAVOUR AND TAKE GUS TO DAYCARE ON YOUR WAY TO WORK TOMORROW? I HAVE TO MEET THE CLIENT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
UH, BUT DON'T WORRY, I CAN PICK HIM UP IN THE AFTERNOON.
WELL, SURE.
SEE? WHO SAID YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL? [ Chuckling .]
[ Cheering/whooping .]
HEY, I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA SHOW YOUR COCK.
YOU GOT IT.
I-I-I MEANT UP THERE.
YOU'RE EVIL.
OH, I'M SWEET.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT GAY MEN THAT THEY'LL INVENT ANY EXCUSE JUST TO SHOW THEIR DICKS? BECAUSE IT'S FUN? OR ELSE THEY FEEL IT'S ALL THEY HAVE TO SHOW.
WELL, MR.
NOVOTNY, WHEN DID WE BECOME SUCH A PRUDE, HUH? I'M N.
.
.
I'M NOT A PRUDE.
OH.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT SEX.
LIKE.
.
.
JUSTIN'S COVER FOR THE NEXT "RAGE" HAS GOT J.
T.
GIVING BRIAN A.
.
.
RAGE, A BLOW JOB.
INTERESTING SLIP.
AND HOW DOES MICHAEL, I MEAN, UH, ZEPHYR, FEEL ABOUT THAT? HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT, AND NEITHER DO I.
HELLO, BOYS! Various: HEY! QUITE A TURN-OUT.
YEAH, YOUR MOM CAN REALLY FILL A VENUE.
YEAH, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK IT'S MY MOM.
SO, UH, HOW ARE THINGS.
.
.
OTHERWISE? OTHERWISE, THINGS ARE GOOD.
YEAH, I THOUGHT MAYBE, UH, YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD FROM TRACY.
YOU KNOW, ANY SPECIALS AT THE BIG Q? HOW'S THE INVENTORY MOVING? DID I GET THE JOB? ACTUALLY, I DID SPEAK TO HER.
WELL, COME, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.
I MEAN, DID SHE TALK TO THE DISTRICT MANAGER? THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE.
.
.
MICHAEL, COME ON.
OH, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.
PLEASE, DON'T PLAY GAMES.
I'M NOT PLAYING GAMES.
IT.
.
.
SHIT.
SHE SAID HE HAD SOMEONE ELSE IN MIND FOR THE JOB.
SOMEONE MORE QUALIFIED.
MORE QUALIFIED? SHE SAID I WAS OVERQUALIFIED AS IT IS.
I.
.
.
ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS THE REASON? THAT'S ALL SHE TOLD ME.
THAT'S ALL I KNOW.
[ Cheering/whistling .]
Debbie: [ On speakers .]
OKAY, LET'S GIVE A BIG HAND FOR JACOB'S BIG FINISH! HOLY SHIT, HONEY, IS THAT YOU OR IS THAT ONE OF MY OLD FALSIES? WAH! THAT AIN'T NO FOAM RUBBER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
.
.
.
UM, LET'S SEE IF OUR NEXT CONTESTANT MEASURES UP.
UH, GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS AND PUT 'EM TOGETHER FOR MATTHEW.
[ Cheers/clapping .]
WHOOOO! j& BURN, BABY, BURN.
.
.
j& Man: EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP! PITTSBURGH P.
D.
! THIS ESTABLISHMENT IS NOW CLOSED FOR VIOLA- TION OF SECTION 493, SUBSECTION 10: LEWD AND IMMORAL BEHAVIOUR.
Debbie: WHAT THE FUCK! WE'RE.
.
.
WE'RE JUST STRIPPING FOR CHARITY HERE! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
LOOK, I WANT EVERYBODY TO CLEAR OUT THE FRONT.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO! COME ON, LET'S GO.
Policeman: PARTY'S OVER, PEOPLE.
OUTSIDE.
YOU HEARD ME.
COME ON, MOVE IT.
[ Mixed chatter .]
QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.
COME ON, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
WHEN YOU, UH, TALK TO JEANETTE TODAY, STRESS HOW IMPORTANT HER APPEARANCE IN COURT WILL BE.
SEE IF YOU CAN CONVINCE HER NOT TO.
.
.
LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN? I KNOW IT'S NOT P.
C.
, BUT IF WEARING A SKIRT AND EYE SHADOW IS WHAT IT TAKES TO GET HER KIDS BACK.
.
.
I'LL MAKE SURE SHE LEAVES HER LUMBERJACK SHIRT AT HOME.
[ Forced chuckle .]
JEANETTE ARLEN HAS TO PUSH HER MEETING TO 4:00.
SOMETHING AT WORK.
OH, FUCK.
FINE, OKAY.
HEY, IF THERE'S A PROBLEM, I CAN TAKE OVER.
NO, NO, I'LL BE THERE.
JUST, UH, GIVE ME A MINUTE.
LINDSAY PETERSON, PLEASE.
HEY, BABE.
UH, LISTEN, I'M IN A SPOT.
CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOUR? [ Cheering .]
WE'RE GONNA DO THIS PEACEFULLY, BUT WE'RE GONNA BE LOUD AND WE'RE GONNA BE ANGRY! Various: YEAH! WHAT'RE WE GONNA BE? All: LOUD! WHAT ELSE ARE WE GONNA BE? All: ANGRY! Debbie: THAT'S BETTER.
WE'RE GONNA LET THAT FUCKIN' STOCKWELL KNOW THAT WE ARE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF FUCKIN' AMERICA, AND WE HAVE THE SAME FUCKIN' FREEDOMS AS EVERYBODY ELSE.
THE FREEDOM TO.
.
.
OF SPEECH, AND THE FREEDOM TO ASSEMBLE, AND THE FREEDOM TO STRIP.
[ Whooping .]
ALTHOUGH YOU MAY HAVE GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR, HONEY, BUT ALL RIGHT, IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
SO EVERYBODY BUNDLE UP, 'CAUSE WE'RE GOING DOWN TO POLICE HEADQUARTERS.
[ Cheering .]
WHAT'S ALL THIS? HALF-PRICE SALE ON LEMON BARS? WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE MAN BEHIND THE ASSHOLE.
BRIAN'S ALWAYS BEHIND THE ASSHOLE.
DAMN IT, MICHAEL, THIS IS SERIOUS.
THE ENTIRE FUTURE OF LIBERTY AVENUE IS BEING THREATENED AND YOUR BEST FRIEND HERE NOT ONLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT, HE'S ALSO HELPING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
COULD I GET SOME LUNCH? I-I-I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR MY PRAYER GROUP.
I'M NOT SERVING TODAY.
I GOT OTHER THINGS TO DO.
AND WHY DON'T YOU DO THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE AND COME WITH US? Michael: COME ON, MA, LEAVE HIM ALONE.
BRIAN DIDN'T CAUSE THE RAID.
UH, WHOA, WHOA.
I'M SORRY, MICHAEL, BUT DEBBIE'S RIGHT.
BRIAN HAS PLAYED A BIG PART IN ENCOURAGING STOCKWELL TO TARGET THE GAY COMMUNITY.
STOCKWELL'S NEVER ONCE MENTIONED THEM.
Debbie: US! BUT HE HAS IMPLIED IT IN EVERY WORD HE'S SPOKEN.
Debbie: MICHAEL, WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? YOUR FRIENDS', YOUR FAMILY'S, YOUR COMMUNITY'S? OR HIS? [ Ringing of service bell .]
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I THINK WHAT YOU'RE DOING REALLY SUCKS.
[ Chuckling .]
OH, CHRIST.
NOT YOU TOO.
LOOK, STOCKWELL'S JUST STIRRING SHIT UP.
AS SOON AS HE'S ELECTED, THIS'LL ALL BLOW OVER.
THINK IT'S GOING TO BLOW OVER FOR TED? UM, TED FUCKED UP.
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
MA'S RIGHT.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IF I DON'T, WHO WILL? YOU KNOW? STOCKWELL AND HIS SUPPORTERS ARE MY ONE-WAY TICKET OUT OF THIS SECOND- RATE, SECOND- CLASS BURG.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR SECOND- RATE FRIENDS? I DON'T KNOW.
WHEN I'M ON THE 99th FLOOR OF MY NEW OFFICE IN NEW YORK CITY, THIS IS ALL GOING TO SEEM LIKE A DISTANT MEMORY.
FINE, GO.
TAKE JUSTIN WITH YOU.
HEY! YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.
IT'LL ALL SEEM LIKE A DISTANT MEMORY, EXCEPT FOR YOU.
.
.
BECAUSE WHEREVER I GO, AND WHO- EVER I'M WITH, I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
BULLSHIT.
IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.
GRITS WITH CREAM CHEESE, DEEP-FRIED OKRA, CATFISH WITH PECAN SAUCE, COCONUT CUSTARD PIE.
I THOUGHT I'D GIVE THEM SOME SOUTHERN COMFORT.
YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM A HEART ATTACK.
WELL.
.
.
MORNING, SWEETIE.
"MORNING"? HEY, VIC.
SORRY I SLEPT SO LATE.
[ Clearing of throat .]
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU NEEDED YOUR REST.
PLANNING ANOTHER PARTY? JUST A SIMPLE, DOWN-HOME BIRTHDAY.
AT $50 A HEAD.
GOOD THING ONE OF US IS BRINGING HOME THE BACON.
SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE BIG Q.
MICHAEL TOLD ME.
YEAH, SEEMS MY REPUTATION PRECEDED ME.
NOW, NOW.
BETTER THINGS LIE AHEAD.
AFTER ALL, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO VANESSA WILLIAMS.
SHE, UM.
.
.
SHE LOST HER MISS AMERICA CROWN FOR BUMPING BUSHES IN THAT PHOTO SPREAD, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP DISNEY FROM ASKING HER TO SING THE THEME TO "POCAHONTAS", NOW DID IT? WHATCHA MAKIN', BABY? BLOODY MARY.
ANYONE WANT ONE? NOT FOR ME.
OH, UH, YEAH, WE HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE TO TEND BAR.
BRENT, UH, HAS TO WORK AT WOODY'S.
I CAN TEND BAR.
YOU CAN? YEAH, HOW DO YOU THINK I EARNED EXTRA MONEY BACK IN COLLEGE? I TENDED BAR AT ALL THE AA MEETINGS.
ACCOUNTANTS ASSOCIATION.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE GREAT, SWEETIE, BUT WE CAN'T PAY A LOT.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
THERE'S NO SHAME IN EARNING AN HONEST NIGHT'S PAY FOR AN HONEST NIGHT'S WORK.
WELL, THEN, YOU BETTER GET OUT YOUR COCKTAIL SHAKER AND START SHAKING, MISTER! [ Chuckling .]
UH-HUH? STOCKWELL IS A FUCKING HOMOPHOBE, IS WHAT HE IS.
HE'S TRYING TO TURN ALL THE GAYS INTO SCAPEGOATS, L.
.
.
LIKE THEY DID IN THE PAST WITH OTHER MINORITIES.
SO WHOEVER THOSE ASSHOLES ARE WHO SAY THAT IT COULDN'T HAPPEN HERE? WELL, IT IS HAPPENING! SO, WHAT'D WE DO THIS TIME? UH, SHUT DOWN A BAR ON LIBERTY AVENUE.
AND THE FAIRIES ARE ALL A- FLUTTER, HUH? THERE'S NO REASON TO CALL PEOPLE NAMES, TOM.
MAYBE YOU'D WANT TO JOIN THEM, HUH? HEY, ISN'T THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND? IT'S NOT ANY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT THE.
.
.
THOSE FUCKIN' NAZIS DID TO THE JEWS! OR.
.
.
OR WHAT HAPPENED TO CICELY TYSON WHEN SHE TRIED TO TAKE A SIP OF WATER OUT OF THAT DRINKING FOUNTAIN.
YOU OUGHTA GET HER A MUZZLE.
'SCUSE ME.
HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN? ME? WHAT DID I HAVE TO DO WITH.
.
.
DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAD PLANNED.
HE'S YOUR FUCKIN' BOSS, ISN'T HE? I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW JACK SHIT.
OH, WELL, SAVE IT, CARL.
.
.
'CAUSE I'M NOT BUYIN' IT.
STOCKWELL CAN GO TO HELL! Protesters: [ Chanting .]
STOCKWELL CAN GO TO HELL! IT WAS THE ONLY TIME THEY COULD MEET.
YOU SAID THE COURT DATE ISN'T FOR MONTHS.
BUT WE HAVE TO START BUILDING OUR APPEAL NOW.
WE'VE GOT TO INTERVIEW THE DEFENDANTS, LINE UP WITNESSES.
.
.
WHICH OBVIOUSLY TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER PICKING YOUR SON UP FROM DAYCARE.
I'VE TOLD YOU: IT'S A.
.
.
IT'S A LAND- MARK CASE.
YES, SO I'VE HEARD.
CAN I FINISH? YES, GO AHEAD, FINISH.
.
.
.
THAT HAS DIRECT BEARING ON OUR LIVES.
WHAT THE COURTS HAVE BASICALLY SAID IS THAT A FAMILY WITH GAY PARENTS IS LESS THAN A FAMILY WITH STRAIGHT PARENTS, SO IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN JUST JEANETTE ARLEN AND ANNA SOKOWSKI.
IT'S ABOUT YOU AND ME.
WELL, IF IT IS ABOUT YOU AND ME, MAYBE YOU COULD TRY SHOWING A LITTLE MORE RE- SPECT FOR MY LIFE, MY JOB.
LOOK, I SAID I WAS SORRY ABOUT A BILLIONS TIMES.
I MEAN, WAS.
.
.
WAS IT THAT BIG OF AN IMPOSITION? DID IT CREATE SOME LIFE-THREAT- ENING CATASTROPHE AT THE ART GALLERY? YOU SEE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT I DO COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE AS IMPORTANT AS WHAT YOU DO.
IT'S MY JOB THAT PAYS FOR THIS MORTGAGE.
IT'S MY SALARY THAT PAYS FOR GUS' DAYCARE.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT MONEY, IT'S ABOUT KEEPING YOUR WORD, AND WE MADE A DEAL.
THIS IS THE CASE OF MY CAREER! AND THIS IS THE LAUNDRY, AND THOSE ARE THE DISHES, AND THIS IS OUR SON.
.
.
WHO NEEDS TO TAKE A BATH.
LINZ.
.
.
LINZ! I'M NOT YOU.
.
.
AND I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE KIND OF MOTHER YOU ARE.
AND WHAT KIND OF MOTHER'S THAT? THE KIND WHO'S WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING UP TO BE THERE WITH HER KID, 24/7.
WHO ASKED YOU TO BE? THE AGREEMENT WAS TO SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE, BUT THE FIRST TIME IT INTERFERES WITH YOUR WORK.
.
.
THERE IS A WAY IT DOESN'T HAVE TO.
WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO QUIT MY JOB? NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUT WE COULD GET A PART-TIME NANNY.
NO, NO, NO.
I WAS RAISED BY NANNIES, IN CASE YOU'D FORGOTTEN.
I WILL NOT HAVE GUS BE RAISED BY SOMEONE ELSE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE CAN ASK DUSTY OR ONE OF THE OTHER MOMS TO PICK GUS UP AFTER SCHOOL AND.
.
.
AND KEEP HIM UNTIL ONE OF US GETS OFF WORK.
[ Heavy sigh .]
WELL? YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE WHO'S SO INTENT ON DEFENDING LESBIAN MOTHERHOOD, YOU'RE NOT MUCH OF AN EXAMPLE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? STRAIGHT MOTHERS WORK FULL-TIME AND HAVE NANNIES, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? THE DIFFERENCE IS WE HAVE TO BE A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
I'M SURE YOUR CLIENTS WOULD AGREE WITH ME.
[ Closing of door .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
HI, HOW ARE YOU? YOU WANT TO GET THESE FOR THIS GENTLEMAN HERE? Ted: THERE YOU GO, DRAGON FRUIT EXTRAVAGANZA.
YOU GUYS GOT YOUR RED WINES.
Ted: THERE YOU GO.
RIGHT THERE.
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
THAT'S A REALLY GOOD YEAR.
KETEL ONE AND TONIC, THERE YOU GO, CHEERS.
AND TWO COSMOS, COMING RIGHT UP.
Woman: GREAT, THANK YOU.
HOW'S IT GOING? WELL, NO ONE'S BEEN POISONED YET.
I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.
YOU HAVE? MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I LIKE THAT IN A MAN.
MMM.
WELL, THEN WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE ME MIX A SLOE GIN FIZZ.
YOU KNOW I LIKE IT SLOW.
[ Chuckling .]
TWO COSMOS, THERE YOU GO.
Woman: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MARTINI, EXTRA DIRTY.
YES, SIR, COMING RIGHT UP, SIR! I SAID, A MARTINI, EXTRA DIRTY.
UH, RIGHT.
RIGHT AWAY.
I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE, UM.
.
.
SCHMIDT.
TED, ISN'T IT? THE ONE WITH THAT WEBSITE.
HELLO, GARTH.
SAW YOUR PICTURE IN THE PAPER, AND ON THE NEWS.
WHAT A SHAME.
YEAH, WELL.
.
.
WHAT'RE YOU GOING TO DO? IT'S.
.
.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
AND NOW? [ Clearing of throat .]
I, UM.
.
.
OH, I.
.
.
MY.
.
.
MY, UH.
.
.
MY BOYFRIEND'S.
.
.
THROWING THIS PARTY.
SO I HAVE TO.
.
.
I'M JUST, UM.
.
.
I'M, UH.
.
.
I'M HELPING HIM.
.
.
HELPING HIM OUT.
I ASKED FOR "EXTRA DIRTY".
OF ALL PEOPLE, I WOULD THINK THAT YOU'D BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT.
SORRY.
WHO'S THAT YOU WERE TALKING TO? NOBODY.
[ Lounge j&j&j& .]
JUST GOT THE ON-AIR VERSION OF THE AD WE SHOT, THOUGHT I'D DROP IT BY.
YOU COME OFF GREAT, AND YOUR INTERACTION WITH THE KIDS, IT'S TERRIFIC.
I'LL LOOK AT IT LATER.
SOMETHING UP? I HAD A POW- WOW WITH MY ADVISORS TODAY.
WE ALL THINK YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB, BUT AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE, WE FEEL WE NEED TO MOVE IN A NEW DIRECTION.
I TURNED YOUR FUCKING CAMPAIGN AROUND.
I'M AWARE OF THAT.
THEN WHY, AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE, ARE YOU FIRING ME? LET'S JUST SAY WE NO LONGER BAT FOR THE SAME TEAM.
WHAT TEAM IS THAT? THE PITTSBURGH POONCHASERS? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT PUSSY, JIM.
LOOK, DON'T INSULT ME.
ONE OF YOUR POSSE SAW ME AT WOODY'S LAST NIGHT AND REPORTED BACK.
YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.
WELL, MY RULE HAS ALWAYS BEEN "IF I'M NOT SUCKING YOUR COCK, THEN IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
" THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
ANYTHING THAT CAN COST ME THIS CAMPAIGN IS MY FUCKING BUSINESS.
[ Clattering of tape .]
Vic: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DIET? FUCK FOUR OUNCES OF KALE AND THREE OUNCES OF CHICKEN.
FUCK HORVATH TOO? HE'S NO LONGER PART OF MY WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING DATING A COP, ANYWAY.
BECAUSE HE ADORED YOU AND COULD PER- FORM CUNNILINGUS LIKE A THIRSTY LESBIAN.
GOD! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW? THE WALLS HAVE EARS.
SIS, YOU'RE ASSUMING THINGS.
MAYBE HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW, AND IF HE DID, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE HE WOULDN'T'VE TRIED TO PROTECT YOU.
SINCE WHEN DID YOU START DEFENDING COPS? SINCE YOU FELL FOR ONE.
Michael: SURE DIDN'T TAKE THEM LONG TO REOPEN.
WELL, I TOLD YOU, IT'S ALL A GAME.
HE CLOSES THEM DOWN, THEY PAY A LITTLE FINE, HE GETS A HIT IN THE PRESS.
YOUR MOM'S THE ONE WHO HAD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GAMES.
SHE TAKES EVERY- THING TO HEART.
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE THE PERFECT POLITICAL ANIMAL.
HAND STEADY, EYES FIXED FIRMLY ON THE TARGET.
SAY ANYTHING, DO ANYTHING.
.
.
HE CANNED ME.
HUH? STOCKWELL.
HE FUCKING CANNED ME.
FOR WHAT? FOR BEING HERE.
ONE OF HIS COPS RECOGNIZED ME.
TRAPPED IN A WEB OF YOUR OWN DECEIT, A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN MACHINATIONS.
SAVE THE BAD DIALOGUE FOR YOUR COMIC BOOK.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WORKING FOR HETEROS.
YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN YOUR OWN ADVICE.
WAIT 'TIL MY MOM FINDS OUT.
THAT'LL CHEER HER UP.
GLAD TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.
MA.
.
.
MA! NOT NOW, SWEETIE.
MOTHER'S TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.
WELL CONCENTRATE ON THIS: BRIAN GOT THE AXE.
STOCKWELL FIRED HIM.
WHOO.
THAT'S NICE.
NICE? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE THRILLED.
IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
STOCKWELL'S STILL GONNA PICK ON US, AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE HE'S A BULLY.
.
.
AND WE'RE THE LITTLE GUY.
JUST LIKE WHEN YOU WERE IN THIRD GRADE AND THAT.
.
.
THAT TERRY KID PICKED ON YOU.
THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE A BULLY.
THAT'S LIFE, BUT THIS TIME, WE'RE GOING TO STAND UP TO HIM.
Various: [ On TV .]
STOCKWELL CAN GO TO HELL! STOCKWELL IS A [ Beep .]
HOMOPHOBE IS WHAT HE IS! HE'S TRYING TO TURN ALL THE GAYS INTO SCAPEGOATS, LIKE THEY DID IN THE PAST TO OTHER MINORITIES.
SO WHOEVER THOSE [ Beep .]
ARE WHO SAY THAT IT COULDN'T HAPPEN HERE? WELL, IT IS HAPPENING! [ Cheering/clapping .]
Woman: [ On TV .]
AS MEMBERS OF THE GAY COMMUNITY EXPRESS OUTRAGE, AND HIS NUMBERS DROP SIGNIFICANTLY IN THE POLLS, MAYORAL CANDIDATE, POLICE CHIEF JIM STOCKWELL HAS YET TO RESPOND TO THE CHARGES OF HOMOPHOBIA.
HEY, BRIAN! HOW'S YOUR GUY GONNA COVER HIS ASS NOW? I'LL HAVE ANOTHER.
STOCKWELL IS [ Beep .]
HOMOPHOBE IS WHAT HE IS! HE'S TRYING TO TURN ALL THE GAYS INTO SCAPEGO.
.
.
[ Switching off of TV .]
[ Sighing .]
Brian: AH, SHE'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.
THAT RALLY ALSO COST ME SOME POINTS.
WELL, I TOLD YOU ABOUT PICKING ON GUYS THAT AREN'T YOUR SIZE.
SO OTHER THAN THAT, HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING? JIM JUNIOR HAS A BASKETBALL GAME.
IS HIS TEAM STILL AHEAD? THEY'RE TIED FOR THE LEAGUE NOW.
HE NEEDS A WIN TODAY.
SO DO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
THAT'S ALL THE PAPER WE HAVE ON THE GUY.
I SUPPOSE YOU SHOULD CHECK THE EAST END.
THAT'S HIS OLD, UH.
.
.
HIS OLD HOOD.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE THE MEMO.
EXCUSE ME.
OKAY.
I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
THAT'S OKAY.
WHAT'S UP? WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? BELIEVE IT OR NOT, UM.
.
.
I'VE COME TO APOLOGIZE.
ANYWAY, UH, WOODY'S IS REOPENED NOW, AND.
.
.
AND THE CONTEST WAS A FUCKIN' HOOT.
THE KIDS LOVED ME.
YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD SOME OF THE GOOD CRACKS I GOT OFF.
I'M SURE.
YOU ALWAYS DO.
WHAT? YOU ALWAYS DO.
YOUR BIG MOUTH HAS GOTTEN ME INTO SOME DEEP SHIT AROUND HERE.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED MY BIG MOUTH.
NOT WHEN IT'S YAPPING ON TV, BLASTING MY BOSS.
BECAUSE HE'S A GODDAMN FUCKING NAZI HOMOPHOBE! WILL YOU PIPE DOWN? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.
CAN'T YOU KEEP THAT THING SHUT? NOT WHEN SOMEONE'S ATTACKING MY.
.
.
MY FRIENDS AND MY COMMUNITY.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS YOUR BOSS.
WELL, I DO.
SO HE SHUT DOWN A GAY BAR FOR ONE NIGHT FOR HAVING AN ILLEGAL STRIP SHOW.
YEAH, USING SOME LAW LEFT OVER FROM DAYS WHEN INDIANS STRIPPED FOR SETTLERS.
STOP TURNING IT INTO THE GODDAMN INQUISITION.
HE'S THE ONE DOING A GREAT JOB OF THAT WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM ME.
AND YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO HE'S NOT GONNA STOP HERE.
WELL, NEITHER AM I! AS LONG AS THERE'S STILL FREEDOM OF SPEECH, I-I-I'M GONNA EXERCISE MY FUCKIN' RIGHTS TO SHOOT OFF MY BIG FUCKIN' MOUTH.
.
.
AS LOUD AS I FUCKIN' WANT! IF THAT'S YOUR CHOICE.
IT IS.
THEN THIS IS MINE.
Various: I AM STARVING.
.
.
[ Sigh .]
I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY.
.
.
IF WE WAIT ANY LONGER, WE CAN PAVE THE DRIVEWAY WITH THESE EMPANADAS.
MMM.
WHERE'S TED? HE WENT OUT TO PICK UP SOME WINE.
ABOUT FIVE HOURS AGO.
YOU KNOW HOW FINICKY HE IS ABOUT CHOOSING THE RIGHT LABEL.
Emmett: WELL.
.
.
I GUESS WE SHOULD START.
SO, UH, THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING OUR TASTERS.
YOU ARE GOOD FRIENDS.
.
.
AND GUINEA PIGS.
IN OTHER WORDS, BETTER WE CROAK THAN YOUR RICH CLIENTS.
EXACTLY.
WELL, IT MAY BE DEADLY, BUT IT LOOKS DELICIOUS.
MMM.
.
.
AMAZING.
HMM.
Vic: WELL, DIG IN, THERE'S LOTS OF FOOD.
HAIL! HAIL! THE GANG'S ALL HERE! Ted: HEY! HEY! HEY! WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, HONEY? MMM, SELECTING THE PROPER VINTAGE, WHICH, GIVEN THE AUSPICIOUSNESS.
.
.
IS THAT A WORD? WELL, IT IS NOW; OF THIS OCCASION.
.
.
REQUIRED SOME PRETTY GODDAMN EXTENSIVE SAMPLING.
I CAN TELL.
OH-H-H.
Ted: WOULD YOU JUST LOOK.
.
.
ALL THIS BEAUTIFUL FOOD.
WHO'D'VE GUESSED IT, HUH? OUR LITTLE EM.
.
.
SUCH A SUCCESS.
EVERYBODY WANTS HIM.
HOW ABOUT YOU GIVE ME A GREAT BIG KISS! I'D ASK YOU TO GIVE ME A GREAT BIG BLOW JOB BUT WE HAVE GUESTS, SO, A KISS'LL HAVE TO DO.
Emmett: HOW ABOUT WE GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT FIRST? HMM? THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.
REALLY GOOD IDEA.
YEAH.
HERE.
.
.
HERE YOU GO, BABY.
HERE, TAKE A BITE OF THIS.
HMM? NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU, I AM ON A LIQUID DIET.
SORT OF A CLEANSING.
DON'T BUDDHISTS DO THAT, BEN? OH, UH, YEAH, THEY DO, BUT, UH, NOT WITH PINOT NOIR.
HERE, HONEY, JUST, UH.
.
.
JUST ONE BITE? FOR ME? SAY "PRETTY PLEASE.
" PRETTY PLEASE? I DON'T WANT IT.
COME ON.
COME ON, BABY, HERE, JUST, UH.
.
.
JUST ONE BITE.
Ted: MM-MMM.
OPEN UP FOR THE CHOO-CHOO! WOOO-WOOO! I SAID NO! EM? EM, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T.
.
.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
.
.
ALL RIGHT.
I-I KNOW.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.
[ Whispering .]
YOU HAVE JUST HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK, THAT'S ALL.
YEAH, I GUESS I HAVE.
Emmett: HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US.
WHY DON'T YOU COME LIE DOWN? OKAY? THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YEAH.
Ted: I'M SUDDEN- LY, UH.
.
.
I'M FEELING VERY, VERY.
.
.
VERY TIRED.
HE JUST NEEDS TO REST.
Jim: I EMPHATICALLY DENY THAT MY DEPARTMENT'S ACTIONS REGARDING THE CLOSING OF A GAY BAR ON LIBERTY AVENUE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE SEXUAL ORIEN- TATION OF ITS PATRONS.
IT WAS PROMPTED ENTIRELY BY THE FACT THAT THERE WERE ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES GOING ON AT THE TIME, AND AS SUCH, IT WAS THE DUTY OF THE POLICE TO RESPOND.
AS FOR BEING HOMOPHOBIC, I FEEL THESE CHARGES WERE MADE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF DAMAGING MY REPUTATION AND MY CAMPAIGN FOR MAYOR.
I HOLD NO ANIMOS- ITY WHATSOEVER TOWARDS OUR LAW- ABIDING GAY CITIZENS, MANY OF WHOM SUPPORT MY EFFORTS TO ELIMINATE DRUGS, PROSTITUTION, AND BUSINESSES THAT PROFIT FROM ILLICIT SEX.
IN FACT, THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF MY ENTIRE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN, A CLOSE FRIEND AND PERSONAL ADVISOR.
.
.
HAPPENS TO BE GAY.
[ Clicking of camera shutters .]
j& HERE BY MY SIDE, AN ANGEL j& j& HERE BY MY SIDE, THE DEVIL j& j& NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON ME j& j& NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON ME AGAIN j& j& HERE BY MY SIDE, IT'S HEAVEN j& j& HERE BY MY SIDE, YOU ARE DESTRUCTION j& j& HERE BY MY SIDE j& j& A NEW COLOUR TO PAINT THE WORLD j& j& OOH j& j& NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT j& j& NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT AGAIN j& j& HERE BY MY SIDE, IT'S HEAVEN j& [ Moaning .]
[ Panting .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
THAT WAS FUCKING HOT.
OH, IT WAS JUST LIKE THE, UH.
.
.
THE COVER OF YOUR COMIC.
MICHAEL FINALLY AGREED TO GO WITH IT, EVEN IF WE DO GET ARRESTED.
UH, WELL.
.
.
WHAT KIND OF ARTIST ARE YOU IF YOU DON'T? [ Knocking on door .]
[ Sighing .]
SORRY.
THAT'S MY [ Clearing of throat .]
COOL PLACE.
OH, YEAH, THERE'S TOURS EVERY HOUR.
BEDROOM'S THROUGH THERE.
WHO'S HE? OH, THAT'S A DIFFICULT QUES- TION TO ANSWER GIVEN THE LIMITATIONS OF THE LANGUAGE AND THE CONVENTION- ALITY OF MOST PEOPLE'S THINKING.
UM.
.
.
LET'S JUST SAY HE'S THE GUY I FUCK MORE THAN ONCE.
UNLIKE YOU.
j& TOUGH BOYS, RUNNING THE STREETS j& j& COME A LITTLE CLOSER j& j& ROUGH TOYS UNDER THE SHEETS j& j& NOBODY KNOWS HER j& j& ROUGH BOYS, DON'T WALK AWAY j& j& I VERY NEARLY MISSED YOU j& j& TOUGH BOY, COME OVER HERE j& j& I WANNA BITE AND KISS YOU j& j& I WANNA SEE WHAT I CAN FIND j& j& TOUGH KID, TAKE A BOTTLE OF WINE j& j& WHEN YOUR DEAL IS BROKEN j& j& TEN QUID, SHE'S SO EASY TO BLIND j& j& NOT A WORD IS SPOKEN j& j& ROUGH BOYS, DON'T WALK AWAY j& j& I FEEL PRETTY BLISSED HERE j& j& TOUGH BOY, I WANNA CARRY YOU HOME j& j& YOU GOT PRETTY PISSED, DEAR j& j& GONNA GET INSIDE YOU j& j& GONNA GET INSIDE.
.
.
j& j& YOUR BITTER MIND j& j& I WANNA SEE WHAT I CAN FIND j& ROUGH BOY, DON'T WALK AWAY j& j& I WANNA BUY YOU LEATHER j& MOO! j& MAKE NOISE, TRY AND TAKE ME AWAY j& j& WE CAN'T BE SEEN TOGETHER j& j& TOUGH KIDS, WHAT CAN I DO? j& j& I'M SO PALE AND WEEDY j& j& ROUGH FITS IN MY HUSH PUPPY SHOES j& j& BUT I'M STILL PLEADING.
.
.
j&