Rules of Engagement s03e09 Episode Script

Hey, Dopey, Grumpy.
Sleazy.
Sleazy wasn't a dwarf.
He is now.
Well, my height was just fine for Miss Tiffany last night.
And it's official.
I've finally slept with a woman from all 50 states.
Oh, wow.
Really? Was she, like, an Army brat? No.
Different women, one from You know, he just slows us down.
Well, 50 states, huh? I guess America really is the home of the brave.
You're just jealous because you're married and don't get any.
I get all the sex I want.
Why do you want so little? Yeah, and you have to jump through hoops for the paltry amount you do get.
Like letting Audrey buy expensive jewels or clothing, or listen to her flap about her boring job.
You should be on my side.
You're more married than single.
Yeah, but Jen and I have sex all the time.
All the time? All the time.
Same as when you first met? Pretty Pretty much.
Ah.
"Pretty much.
" That's how it all starts.
Yeah, add 10 pounds to your head and you're gonna be Jeff in five years.
No, you are way off.
Mm, 20 pounds? Hey, Timmy.
Hey, gentlemen.
Mr.
Dunbar.
Here you go, sir.
As per your request, I transferred your old pornography to DVD.
All right.
Good job.
You know what? Take one home as a bonus.
Oh, thank you.
You're very kind, but I'll pass.
Well, I'm sure you're wondering how my date went last night.
Yes, indeed.
Who did the lady think she was going home with? Zack Thunder or Danny Dakota? I went with Danny Dakota.
You know, the race car driver who broke every bone in his body.
Except one.
Wait, hold on.
You pretended to be somebody else? Talk about jumping through hoops.
You gotta invent a whole new persona to get some.
No, no, no, I don't have to.
I like to mix it up.
You know, keep it fresh.
At least I got some.
Yeah, well, I can get it too.
Care to make this more interesting? Oh, you mean this could get more interesting? My God, what an exciting time to be alive.
All right.
I propose a challenge.
Single guy versus married guy.
Who can get it whenever they want it.
Fine, let's say tonight.
Let's say tonight.
There's gotta be some rules.
You're not allowed to lie or pay for it.
Dude, you're tying my hands a little bit.
And no tying their hands.
Well, I like when I All right, fine.
Oh, what about me? I want in.
Why? To prove I am not becoming you.
All right, fine, you can play.
All right.
I'm the ringer.
Yes, we get it.
Your fiancée's a little easy with the: Those were sex noises, in case you forgot what they sound like.
My Lord, that is funny.
Okay, Timmy, stick with Russell tonight, make sure he doesn't lie to get sex.
Grand.
You can just say okay.
No.
You'll pay me a grand.
Fine, but you can't tell Audrey about the challenge to get some.
Yeah, because if I told her there was a sex bet, she'd be on her back in a heartbeat.
All right, let's meet back here at midnight.
See who got the job done.
Or shall I say who else got the job done.
How much are we playing for? Nothing.
Gentlemen's bet.
Hm, never before has an adjective been less appropriate.
This is bigger than money.
This is to determine, once an for all what man is at his peak.
Single, engaged or dead.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Hey, hon.
Hey.
I'd like some sex.
W-Wait, you're not joking? No, ma'am, I am not.
All right, I'll tell you what.
Let's have some dinner and then we'll fool around after.
After's not good.
Now is good.
Why? Well, the longer we wait, the more chance I'll say or do something stupid to ruin the mood.
Last week, we were sharing that bottle of wine but you were wearing those pants that made you look See? Right there.
Almost did it again.
Now is the time, Audrey.
Now is the time.
Why not? Really? Awesome.
Mm, wait, there's a problem.
Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.
Since when is that a problem? Oh, look at me.
Not screwing it up, not screwing it up Aah! Oh, God! What? You've seen it before.
Uh, there was a mouse! I saw him run out the door.
Oh, well, then we're good to go.
Oh, God! I can't be romantic when there's a mouse in here.
Who said it had to be romantic? I'll take care of it.
Ugh.
There you go.
Oh, no! You are not smashing a poor little mouse with a bat.
Tennis racket? Honey, you have to catch it and set it free.
Why? So it'll come back and grant me three wishes? Forget it, Jeff.
Not with a mouse, not in this house.
Would you, could you, in the hall? I'm gonna take care of it but when I come back, sex is on.
Fine, fine, fine.
Just Just go.
Go, go.
I'll get the big pot from the kitchen.
Oh, no.
I don't want a mouse in my good pot.
Is there any worse than that chili you made? See? This is why we should've already done it.
Hello? I'm in the bedroom.
Yeah, you are.
This is gonna be too easy.
It's like having sex with fish in a barrel.
Yeah.
What's going on? I don't feel good at all.
You don't? Honey, because you look hot.
I am hot.
My temperature is 102.
Mm.
Oh, You feel okay to me.
Wanna fool around? No! I Everything hurts.
Don't touch me.
Don't touch you? But I'm the ringer.
Oh, yeah.
This will be no troub.
I'll be home watching Masterpiece Theatre in no time.
Sir, if I may.
Don't you get a wee bit tired of constantly trying to score? Isn't the goal to meet someone to spend your life with? You've got some weird ideas banging around that coconut of yours, Timmy, all right? Try to stay focused.
Forgive me, sir, I forgot I'm merely here to monitor your sex bet.
"I forgot I'm merely here to monitor your sex bet.
" How are you not getting laid with that accent, my man? What about this one right here? Uh, looks drunk, damaged, and braless.
A fastball down Broadway for you, sir.
But remember, no lying.
No lying.
No lying.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Lacey.
I'm Danny Dakota.
Ah, damn it.
Well, I got him.
Oh, thank God.
You should've seen it.
It's pretty ugly close up.
Kinda like your friend Liz.
Wow, take that, Liz.
He does not like being cooped up.
Oh, God, just get it out Oh! What? What? The mouse just ran across my foot! I thought it was in the box.
Wait, why were my shoes in thebox? Did you not catch him? You were lying? Only so you would enjoy your sex.
Oh! I'm not going to enjoy any sex in an apartment full of vermin.
Okay, look, I promise I will get him this time.
And then we'll have the post-mouse-hunting love making.
Ew! Okay, don't say love making.
That's almost as disgusting as the mouse.
Okay, then it'll be "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
" Okay.
Here we go.
Oh Oh, that feels nice.
Yeah? Hey, maybe a little physical activity would be good for you.
No, I'm too achy.
Oh, but honey, you know what they say.
You starve a fever, have sex with a cold.
Who says that? People who know.
Just relax.
Mm, you like that? No, it's my head.
It feels like a giant bucket of snot and phlegm.
Hey, you know what might help? You not saying stuff like that.
Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.
Well, hurry back.
Okay, mouse.
Prepare to be outsmarted by your intellectual superior.
Oh, yeah, gotta tie this to the pencil.
Ow! What? So sensitive.
God! Really, sir? What? You said to be honest.
So I did what you said.
It looked like it was a goiter.
Honest about yourself.
Ah.
Now, you can do this.
Let's give it another go.
All right, guvnor.
Oh, this is probably dum-dum calling to brag.
What? Hey.
How's it going? It's going amazing.
I'm seconds away from closing the deal.
Hold on.
Hear that? That the sound of my fly being unzipped.
Give me a minute.
Hear that? That's the girl that's unzipping my fly.
I'm telling her to just give me a minute.
By any chance, is she, like, sick? No, no.
I haven't slept with her yet.
How's it going with you? The sex is gonna happen any second now.
Oh, there she is.
She's calling me.
I guess I'll see you in an hour and 44 minutes.
How long? Oh, I had no idea we had such little time left.
Oh, understandable, sir.
Your watch is clear down the other end of your tentacle.
Ah, ah.
Don't get mouthy, Timmy.
It's time to get down to beeswax.
Hey, there.
I like that coat.
Thank you.
It's crushed velvet.
Oh, it is? Well, is your name Velvet? 'Cause I have a crush.
Ah, you've just been charmed by Russell.
Sarah.
Sarah? I'm in commercial real estate.
What do you do? I'm a flight attendant.
Oh, that's interesting.
Where are you based? Here in New York, but this is the first time I've been home for a while.
I've been doing trips to Asia.
Oh, that's a small world.
I was, uh, stationed in Asia during my time with the Peace Corps.
No, he wasn't.
Goodbye, Sarah.
How come you used a Cheerio instead of cheese? Interesting story.
I ate all the cheese.
Oh, my God, there it is.
Oh, getin there.
Get in there.
It kind of does look like Liz.
Get in there.
Go, go.
Yes! Score! I can't believe that worked! I'm a genius.
I'll put him in the garbage downstairs.
What? You can't put him in the garbage.
You have to let him go in the park.
At this time of night? I'll get mugged.
I'll go with you.
We can't go out into the world, What if I get into a fight with someone on the elevator? Like that fat idiot on 9, or that skinny jerk on 4? Or sex will be in jeopardy.
Boy, you really want me tonight.
It's kind of a turn-on.
Yeah.
Good.
Because that thing you just said? That's our foreplay.
Let's go.
Ah.
Come on.
Come on.
Relax.
There's no air holes in this box.
Do you want Little Liz to die? Come on, let's hit the stairs.
What? Oh, my God.
Is that Jennifer? There's no mouse in there.
Yeah, you should talk to her.
She's getting a reputation.
Are you feeling any better? No.
Damn it! You're really upset that I'm sick, aren't you? Yeah, it's just terrible.
Look, I've got a lot of medicine here.
"Fast acting.
" "Immediate relief.
" "Time release"? Why would I buy that? I can't take these all together.
Why not? Honey, it'll be a race to see which one makes you feel better first.
Let's just start with this one.
Oh, it says only two.
Oh, honey, that's just the recommended dosage.
These are very loose guidelines.
Are you trying to kill me? It's not all about you, okay? Just take your medicine.
You feel better? I just took them.
Oh, yeah.
What about now? No.
God! What part of "fast acting" doesn't your body understand? Uh, who else can I hit on? How about this girl over here? You already told her you were the musician Beck.
Oh, yeah.
God, that used to work.
That dude needs another hit.
Who else do I look like? Ellen.
You know, maybe Jeff was right.
About what, sir? I can't pick up women without lying to them.
Sir, if I may.
Sure.
Ow! You are Russell Dunbar.
You are an interesting, successful man.
You need not lie, for you already possess all the necessary qualities to coax a drunken woman of questionable morals into bed.
Really? Are you just saying that? No, I'm not, sir.
No, I'm not.
Now look over there.
She's alone, on her third Cadillac margarita, and a short while ago I noticed her crying.
Now, you have 47 minutes to make this happen.
Now get out there and just be yourself.
Not bad, Timmy.
Thanks.
Well, sir, I've come to see you as not merely a boss, but also a friend.
And friends are there for one another.
Great.
Now I only have 46 minutes.
Hey, I'm Russell.
I couldn't help but notice you over here.
I'm Deborah.
What do you do, Deborah? I work with at-risk teenagers.
That's a coincidence, because, uh I've never helped anybody in my whole life.
Wow.
That's honest.
Yeah, it is.
Actually kind of refreshing.
Really? Yeah.
Well, I'm also one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet.
You're so cute.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I have lifts in my shoes and I'm not ashamed I look like Ellen.
All right.
Go, mouse.
Be free.
Go on.
Get.
Oh, I miss him already.
Pull your pants down.
Relax.
Let's just go home.
No, there's no time.
We have got to do it right here, right now.
Why? Because we're in the park, and together, and the moon and the stars.
It's so romantic.
Come on, let's do it in the dirt behind that tree.
You're crazy.
Yes, for you.
Let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Get you out of that.
What's going on back there? Um Just give us a minute, officer.
I don't think so.
I literally mean one minute.
Let me get my coat.
My apartment is just around the corner.
She's taking me home.
I didn't have to lie about anything.
Mm-hm, because you're good enough just the way you are.
That's right.
No more lame facade.
To the real you.
Mm-hm.
Ow! God! My tooth! Are you all right, sir? Oh, I don't know.
How does it look? I'm back.
All right.
Oh, my God! Um, I I I forgot, I have to go.
No, what? What? Dude How much time I got left? Not enough.
Oh.
Oh.
I must have dozed off.
Wow, it's almost midnight.
Oh, look who suddenly cares about the time.
You know what? I think I feel a little better.
Really? Yeah.
Thanks to you for being so sweet and taking care of me.
Anytime, baby.
You know that I'm here for you.
Okay, night-night.
No! No! No night-night! No night-night! No! And that, my friends, is how this happened.
Wow, that was some rough sex.
Eh, I've had rougher.
All right, single guy's on the board.
Married guy? Well, your story's pretty hard to top.
But I'm about to do it.
Citation for public lewdness.
Audrey and I did it in the park.
Lewdly.
Wow.
Married guy surprises us.
Ringer? Okay, well When I walked in, I mean, she was already in bed and hot.
Right? So I I mean, I I Oh, God, I can't do this.
The truth is Jennifer is really sick and I didn't get any.
Pretty lame, right? I could've lied, but you guys are my friends.
And friends don't lie to each other.
All right, well I've got something to say.
You suck! Ha-ha! We did it and you didn't.
How about this? Laid, lewd, loser! Yeah! Your fiancée is a slut and you still didn't get any! That was great, Danny.
Well We Dakotas are a passionate lot.
And you were so limber.
I can't believe you broke every bone in your body.
Every bone except one.