The Golden Girls (1985) s03e09 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidant (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see (music) The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Dorothy, I want a driver's license.
What for? I'm doing a lot of stuntwork in the new Burt Reynolds movie.
Why do you think? Ma, you haven't driven in years.
Why is this coming up now? This morning at the center, Gladys Weinstock and I had a fight.
We both claim we're natural redheads, but of course at our age we can't prove it anymore.
So? So, when I pulled out my license to show her, everyone saw it was expired.
It made me feel old, Dorothy.
- I want to learn again.
- Oh, come on.
Ma, you're 81 years old.
Your eyesight is weaker.
Your reflexes are slower.
And who are you, Magic Johnson? Dorothy, please.
Oh, all right, Ma, we'll give it a try.
But, Ma, if anything goes wrong we stop.
Relax.
There are some things you never forget.
Driving a car is like making love.
In both cases, a mirror makes objects appear larger than they really are.
Oh, Dorothy, I'm just so angry! Floyd McCallan just called me one hour before he's supposed to pick me up in his brand new two-tone Mercedes.
- He's canceled our date for tonight! - He probably had a good reason.
He said he had to go visit his sick mother in the hospital.
Did you ever hear such a weak excuse? [Chuckling.]
And his mother isn't in the hospital.
Of course she is, but he can visit her anytime.
He can only see me tonight.
[Door unlocking.]
- Is my cousin Sven here yet? - No, Rose.
Oh, good.
I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up a cake.
I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.
Rose, that cake is from the "Get it While it's Hot" erotic bake shop.
Whoa! [Laughing.]
Why, Rose Nylund! Why, that cake is in the shape Blanche, we know what it is.
I thought it was in the shape of Florida.
That reminds me, I've got to give Charlie Milburne a call.
If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milburne, we could both give him a call.
Rose, how long is your cousin Sven going to, uh, [stammers.]
be, uh, staying here with us? Oh, just a couple of days.
On Saturday he's flying back to St.
Olaf to meet his fiancée.
Oh, she went all alone? No, he's never met her.
It's an arranged marriage.
See, little Sven's father, we call him Big Sven, left the old country two years ago and settled in St.
Olaf.
Then he sent for the rest of his family.
First he brought his father over.
We call him "Big Sven," too.
Well, doesn't that get confusing, having two Big Svens? There aren't, Blanche.
There's Big Sven and Big Sven II.
Like Jaws and Jaws II.
Rose, are any of your relatives named Psycho and Psycho II? Anyway, Big Sven picked out a bride for little Sven and now he's flying him over.
I don't know, it seems so unfair to me, an arranged marriage.
I don't know, Dorothy.
It can be fun.
George and I had that kind of marriage.
George would dress up as a ghost and chase me around the house with one of those little fly swatters.
Then when he caught me, he'd Blanche, I'm talking about arranged marriages not deranged marriages.
Oh.
Sorry.
[Doorbell.]
Oh, that must be Sven! - Cousin Rose? - Cousin Sven! Oh! Oh, let me look at you.
Boy have you grown! We've never met.
But admit it, you have grown! Uh, Rose, could you introduce Blanche and me.
Of course.
Dorothy, this is Blanche.
Blanche, this is Dorothy.
[Laughing.]
We have jokes like that around here all the time.
It's like living in a house full of Howie Mandels.
- Sven, I'm Dorothy.
- Hello.
- And I'm Blanche.
Welcome.
- Thank you.
Rose tells us you're getting married.
Yes, and I hope I'm good at it.
I don't have that much experience with women.
A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here.
Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
Oh, that was an expression! Sven! I never thought I'd say this but I think Rose got the brains in that family.
Meet me out front, Dorothy.
I'm gonna pull the car around.
Ma, hold it.
Hold it.
I told you last night, we don't do any driving until we've gone over all the rules in the driving manual.
What's to go over? "How much distance should there be between you and a fire hydrant?" What am I, a poodle? - [Rose.]
Morning, girls.
- [Sven.]
Morning.
Hey, what got you two up and out so early? I wanted to show Sven as many of the sights as possible today.
Did he get a picture with that Mr.
Whipple cutout at the A&P? We stopped to pick up breakfast before we started off on our big day.
Will you ladies join us? - What are you making? - Flendahueven.
- What's that? - Oatmeal.
It's usually served with a cracker made from yak intestine.
Of course! Yak snacks.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Swin.
- It's Sven, Blanche.
- Whatever.
Dorothy, could I borrow your white wind breaker? Floyd is taking me sailing today on his yacht.
Uh, Blanche I guess he felt so guilty about canceling last night he wanted to do something extra special.
- Uh, Blanche - I can just hardly wait.
- Blanche - If you're about to tell me Floyd canceled, I don't want to hear it.
- He called.
- Oh! This is the last straw! This is it! I don't care if Floyd does own the most successful pet neutering business in greater Miami.
As of this minute, I am never speaking to that lowdown scuzzball ever again! - [Phone rings.]
- He changed his mind! Hello.
Yes, this is Rose.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, okay.
Bye.
Sven, I have some bad news.
- Is it bad news? - Yes, it's bad.
Were you two the cousins who play the banjo in Deliverance? - Rose, what's wrong? - That was the center.
I have to work today.
Now who's gonna show Sven the sights? The only sights we're seeing is the empty lot behind the mall.
I already showed him that.
Wait a minute.
I have an idea.
Blanche, you're free.
Why don't you take Sven around? I don't think I feel like sightseeing.
- It might do you good.
- I know it'll do you good.
And it's certainly a lot healthier than sitting here in the house stewing all day.
Maybe you're right.
An active day out on the town with a handsome young man might take my mind completely off old - what's-his-name.
- [Laughing.]
Floyd.
Okay, come on, Swin.
It's Sven.
He's mine now, I can call him what I want to.
If you don't mind, Blanche, I'd like to pay for lunch.
Oh, don't be silly, Swin.
I mean it.
You gave me a great tour of the city today.
I don't think we have that many women shoe stores in my whole country.
[Gasping.]
Oh, my Lord! Look who just walked in.
- Who? - Floyd.
[Blanche.]
Look at that young thing with him.
- Why, she's half his age! - She's half your age.
- Shut up and hold my hand.
- What? Hold my hand.
Now look deep into my eyes.
Look like you want to kiss me.
Okay, move your lips around.
Go like this.
- Blanche, I don't - Okay, get ready to kiss me.
- Blanche - Get set.
- Blanche - Go! Blanche, is that you? Well, Floyd McCallan! Oh, shame on you, sneaking up on us like that.
And in front of this young child, too.
- Blanche, this is Linda.
- Hello, Linda.
Is your daddy taking you out to lunch? - Linda's just a friend.
- Oops.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, Floyd, I'm just so embarrassed at you, catching me and Swin like this.
Of course, you should've seen us a few minutes ago.
We were feeding each other.
Blanche, look, about those dates I canceled Honey, forget all about that, I know I have.
- Blanche, can I call you later? - Oh, sure, if you want to.
I'm not sure I'll be at home.
I just suddenly have this craving for dessert.
Come on, Swin, we're going to your place.
Okay, we can try, but I've never sailed around the Cape of Good Hope this time of year.
I am never getting into a car with you again.
Ever.
I can't believe you're being such a wimp.
Ma, you went through the stop sign, you hit a mailbox, you almost ran over Mrs.
Burlfine! The woman's already in a wheelchair.
How much more damage could I do? Hi, Dorothy.
Why is your lipstick all smeared? I just kissed our driveway.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hello, Rose.
[Sophia.]
Oh, hi, Rose.
Would you consider teaching me how to drive? Sure, Sophia.
How about this.
I teach you how to drive and you teach me how to be a great Italian cook? Everybody's a comedian today.
Rose, everything okay down at the counseling center? Yes, finally.
We had a manic depressive overload.
Luckily Dr.
Ferguson had heard some new knock-knock jokes and that seemed to do the trick.
- [Chuckling.]
Knock-knock? - Who's there? Oh, shut up, Rose! Hello, ladies.
Hi, Cousin Rose.
Sven, hi.
I want to do something special in honor of your wedding.
What are you in the mood for? Oh, Cousin Rose, there isn't going to be a wedding.
What? Why not? Because I decided I can't marry someone that I don't love.
You've never even met Olga.
How do you know you don't? Because I know I'm in love with someone else.
I'm in love with Blanche.
Swin, you can't be serious.
You're not in love with me.
Yes I am, Blanche.
I know it's sudden, but I feel it in my heart.
His father is gonna kill me.
I'm in charge of Sven for one day and he falls for the first little floozy that turns his head.
Blanche, did something happen between you and Sven that we don't know about? You didn't tell them about kissing me? Kissing him? Or stroking my hair? Stroking his hair? Or feeding me? All right, I'll say it.
Feeding him? I can't hear any more of this.
Blanche, how could you do this to me? Rose, wait a minute.
I can explain everything.
It's not like you think.
If Sven said you kissed him, you kissed him.
I did kiss him, but it was just pretend.
We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens.
Well, Floyd McCallan walked in with another woman.
So I pretended Swin was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.
Did you explain any of this to Sven? I assumed he knew.
Blanche, how could you assume anything? The man offered to kill dinner for us last night.
Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible.
Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your petty games.
That's only one side of it.
Look at the other side.
He did get to kiss me.
Big deal.
More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring.
You have to go in there and talk to him.
I will, I will.
It's just that I'm not very good at it.
[Stammering.]
I was blessed with one talent, turning men on.
I've just never known how to turn them off.
You tell him, Dorothy.
I would, Blanche, but remember, we just want to turn him off, not drain the sex drive completely out of him! You know, I've always had this trouble ever since high school.
I was the head cheerleader and I was dating our star quarterback, Calwell Honeycutt.
Well, time came to break up but I just could not tell Calwell to his face.
I couldn't bear to inflict that much grief and suffering on one man.
So I finally decided that the best way to handle it was just to lead my girls in a farewell cheer.
Two-four-six-eight, who will Blanche no longer date? Calwell.
Did he get the message, or did the band have to spell out "buzz off' at half-time? [Chuckles.]
You have to go and set Sven straight.
The longer you wait, the harder it'll get.
I know.
You're right.
I will.
Of course she's right.
You know, I once made the same mistake myself.
I was dating a guy my parents could not stand.
He used to come over to the house during Sunday dinner, help himself to some food, take it into the living room, turn on one of those radio countdown shows and belch to the music.
Finally my mother told me that I just had to break it off and of course I knew she was right.
So I rehearsed my speech and I made arrangements to meet him at a coffee shop.
I got there five minutes early and caught him necking with a waitress.
- [Blanche.]
Oh! - That must've made it easier.
No, I still could not do it.
How long had you been together with this guy? Thirty-eight years.
That was Stan? And you know, to this day, he can belch out the chorus to Sweet Georgia Brown on one Dr.
Pepper.
Well, I'm gonna go talk to Swin.
I'll just let him down gently.
In the old country when a woman dumps a man, the man is allowed to shave the woman's head and make her wear an itchy hat.
I hear Pakistan has the same penalty for jaywalking.
- Swin.
- Hi, Blanche.
Is something wrong? No, I'm just embarrassed about what happened before.
Embarrassed? What for? - For acting so crazy.
- Oh, that wasn't crazy.
Yes, we kissed one time, I let it go straight to my head.
I've been sitting here trying to understand what made me act that way.
Could it be that I'm just nervous about getting married? Yes.
Or that I'm not used to being with a beautiful woman like you? Yes.
Or that I'm just a naive, inexperienced man.
Yes.
No.
It's none of those things, Blanche.
It's because I like you.
- I like everything about you.
- Swin.
- You hardly know me.
- I know enough.
- I know you're pretty.
- Yes.
- You're smart.
- Yes.
- Sexy.
- Yes.
- Sophisticated.
- Yes No! Swin, there's something very important you don't know.
Oh, I don't know how to say this.
Um, it's the reason I kissed you in the first place.
[Scoffing.]
To make Floyd jealous.
- You knew that? - Yes.
And I think you had every right.
He deserved it the way he's been rejecting you.
What do you mean rejecting me? Well, canceling twice in two days.
Then he shows up with that girl today.
Woo! - How old could she have been? - Not very.
You're not like most women, Blanche, I'll tell you that.
What do you mean? Well, wouldn't most women let a thing like this make them feel old? Yes.
- And unattractive.
- Yes.
- Worn out.
- Yes.
Useless.
What's your point, Swin? My point is Well, I was just hoping that maybe you're tired of people like Floyd who don't appreciate you, and maybe you're ready to spend some time with someone who does.
Like you.
I know you don't know me very well yet, but I'm just asking for a chance.
Okay, I'll think about it.
Thank you, Blanche.
You're welcome, Swin.
[Birds chirping.]
- Hi, Ma.
- Read it and weep.
A driver's license? Ma, how did you get this? Hard work and determination.
If you put your mind to it, you can do anything.
Look, Ma, I absolutely forbid you to drive a car.
Ooh, look, Dorothy, I'm shaking.
Ma, I mean it! Lighten up.
I told you before, I only want a license to have not to use.
It's a symbol of my freedom, my independence.
Now give me 50 dollars.
What for? A guy named Paco makes these babies up in his garage.
Good morning, girls.
I didn't sleep a wink last night worrying about Blanche and Sven.
Rose, this is between the two of them.
No, it isn't.
I'm supposed to get Sven on a plane today.
That's why I called big Sven early this morning to ask him what to do.
I knew he'd be up, he gets up with the cows.
I know he gets up with the cows because he sleeps with the cows.
What is your point, Rose? Big Sven was furious with me.
He told me to do nothing, he'd handle everything.
Then he hung up on me.
- Good morning! - Maybe it is for you.
Now, Rose, you can't go on being mad at me over this.
I feel just as bad as you do.
Do you have an angry Viking yelling Scandinavian swear words at you on the phone this morning? My guess would be no.
Rose, as I told you last night, your cousin is a very sensitive man.
I just have to find the right time and place and I'll let him down softly.
Morning, everyone.
[Doorbell.]
Who could that be? - Rose Nylund? - Yes.
Wow.
I'm Olga Nolstrom, from St.
Olaf.
I'm looking for Sven Linstrom.
He's right there.
Wow.
Sven, your father sent me.
I was chosen to be your bride.
I'm not leaving this house without you.
Wow.
Uh, now might be a good time to let him down softly.
Our cab is waiting, Sven.
Will you come? Blanche, I've done some thinking.
I could never make you happy.
If you could never make her happy, good luck with the lean, mean, Swedish machine.
I understand, Swin.
Go on.
Go on.
I'm coming, Olga.
Oh, Cousin Rose, thank you! Thank you all.
Oh, wait.
What about my clothes? They're ugly.
Any other questions? I'll send them to you.
You two be on your way.
- Good luck! - Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye! Oh, isn't that wonderful? Wonderful? He just dropped me! Oh, Blanche, come on.
You had no interest in Sven.
That's not the point, Dorothy.
The point is for the second time in two days I have been thrown over for a younger woman.
I can't I can't compete anymore.
Oh, honey, of course you can.
You just have to compete in a different way, like, with intelligence and charm.
I don't know those ways, Rose, and I'm too old to learn.
I'm over the hill, that's all there is to it.
[Phone rings.]
I guess I'm just in the same boat as the two of you.
[Blanche.]
Hello? Yes.
[Giggles.]
All right.
Goodbye.
What do you know.
Floyd McCallan is taking me sailing today.
I guess you two are in the same boat.
I'm in the yacht.
What's this boat she keeps talking about? Don't worry, Rose.
You missed it.