Weeds s03e09 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds Peter Scottson served with dignity and honour.
- What in the hell is this? - The Softail Deluxe.
- What the fuck is it doing in my atrium? - I bought it.
It's mine.
We're not having sex, Mrs Botwin.
- Oh, really? - I honour God with my abstinence.
What we need is to redirect a small portion of our sewage through your town.
Shit highway could be our road to riches.
We need these votes.
I'm thinking a golf membership.
I play house.
She's all yours.
Thank you, Sullivan Groff.
- I had cancer.
- I don't care.
Agrestic and Majestic are never gonna merge.
I told them about your deal with Celia.
This project is on hold until there is a full report on the dirt shrew, and I'm referring to the endangered animal, not the one in the hard hat and heels who's been sucking your dick.
Very funny, Tim.
Open the door.
Open the fucking door! - I know who you are.
- Excuse me? Why are you here? And why the fuck are you stalking me? Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes made of ticky-tacky # Little boxes on the hillside # Little boxes all the same # There's a green one and a pink one # A blue one and a yellow one # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # They all look just the same # And the people in the houses # All went to the university # Where they were put in boxes # And they came out all the same # And there's doctors and there's lawyers # And business executives # And they're all made out of ticky-tacky # And they all look just the same # Well? I'm waiting.
- If you'd - Keep your body still.
Move your lips.
Make sentences.
What are those lines? You'll get a full diagnostic report from the doctor.
But you know.
You have a week to live.
- That's not funny.
- Tickled me.
What the fuck are you doing here? You want to get some coffee or something? You're an insane stalker person.
Why would I go anywhere with you? To talk, to explain.
And Sorry if I freaked you out.
And I swear I'm not dangerous, and I'll buy.
Latte, cookies, name it.
You're gonna keep stalking me unless I do this, aren't you? I can't answer definitively yes or no at this point.
Fine.
There's a place across the street.
I'll meet you there in an hour.
Great.
That's great.
- Valerie? - What? - Could you release the hounds? - No.
- No? - No.
I'm gonna send in another tech to do your side angles.
Might as well finish what you started.
Oh.
OK, let's make this quick.
It's fucking hot out here.
- Don't you love coffee? - Yes, I do.
I love coffee, slept with Peter, just like you.
We must be long-lost twins.
I have those same earrings at home.
They're nice.
How's How's Tim doing? How do you think he's doing? His father's dead.
I have boys, too.
Two boys.
Dead father.
Heart attack, though, not, well, however Peter died.
Is Tim seeing a grief counsellor? Shane went.
I don't know if it did anything.
- I guess time and - You know, this is my break, and you are not my friend, so why am I sitting here? Don't you want to talk about Peter? Not with some random woman he was fucking, who my son hates.
You know, I used to think that it was because he wanted Peter and me to reconcile, but now I'm thinking it's because you're a crazy, stalker, narcissist whack job.
I started sketching again.
Jesus, I do sound nuts.
I'm not.
You're right, this is all ridiculous.
I don't know what I expected.
I'm sorry.
Nice meeting you.
Even though you are kind of a bitch.
Bye.
Here.
You can throw it away if you want, OK? Bye.
I have two questions.
One, why isn't the air conditioning on? I don't think it's working.
OK.
And, Shane, can I play brick breaker on this thing? Those are for business purposes only.
Sanjay, your territories are junior colleges, trade schools And gay bars and dance clubs, cos I'm a faggot.
I can call myself that, but you can't, cos I'm gay and you're not.
- I'm not ashamed.
This is who I am.
- Good for you.
I'll sell to anyone cool who wants some weed.
I'm flexy.
Don't be too flexy.
We start with people we've dealt to before and only expand when a customer has been vouched for.
You're forgetting one key territory.
- Hi, Silas.
I'm gay.
- You can get help for that.
Oh, I know.
This guy Stewart's been really helping me.
Stewart's the best.
Silas, why don't we talk about this after Tara goes home? This is about Tara.
Hear me out.
Tara is completely active in the Church, and they have, like, 10,000 members.
It's a totally untapped market.
They say when Christ was anointed with oil by John the Baptist, it was cannabis oil.
Wow, that sounds hot.
The Lord wants me to sell pot, Mrs Botwin.
- Really? - Yes.
And he also wants me to buy a new BMW.
Preferably the convertible.
The good Christian people of Majestic like to get baked.
That explains so much.
Shane, would you get that, please? So, am I in? I promise I'm gonna be your number-one sales person.
- Straight commission.
- Fine.
Never say where you get your product.
You realise you're doing something illegal? I answer to a much higher authority.
Fine, you're in.
Do I get a cell phone, too? - Take Silas'.
- What? Then how am I supposed to cover my territory? Delivery requires discretion, which you clearly lack.
I'm gonna think of something else for you to do.
Someone named Valerie is here.
She says she wants to talk to you.
What am I doing here? Erm I wanted to apologise for acting like an asshole.
No, that was fair.
I mean, I did stalk you.
Tim's in the car.
I got your address from your mammogram papers, drove over.
Drove by the house a few times.
Your neighbour on the corner is really into gnomes, huh? - Did you call before and hang up? - Twice.
- Crazy stalker person.
- Call it even? No, I'm having you arrested.
Restraining order, the whole thing.
Little shit.
All right, look, I got you this.
It's a bath bomb.
Effervescent.
My advice is to let it bubble between your legs.
The carbonation effect, it's really enjoyable.
And it smells nice.
- Thanks - Just take it.
I'm an over-gifter.
- Not a big deal.
- Oh, well I'm gonna go.
Thanks for the bath thing.
Oh, and your boobs are fine.
Benign.
Fine and benign.
Aren't you glad I'm not a proctologist? Well, you have short fingernails but a lot of anger, so OK, I'm gonna go smack my kid and take him to the shrink.
Oh, hey, erm Are you free for dinner tomorrow? The referendum will pass.
- I'm tense.
- Ooh, you want a massage? Yes.
In Maui.
A week in Wailea with you when this is all over.
- What do you say? - I say I'm one lucky girl.
Hello.
Isabelle.
How in the hell should I know where he is? Have you tried his cell phone? Well, maybe you should call child protective services.
No, I'm sure he's fine.
God protects the stupid.
I'm not feeling any cold air.
I think it's broken.
OK, when a customer calls into the computer database, - he or she types in a client ID number.
- It's not working.
You haven't even tried it.
No, the air conditioning.
I don't think it's working.
- OK, we need to talk.
- Bet your ass we do.
Where's Tara? At her youth group.
She's coming by later.
I'm in the middle of explaining this to you.
Praying that when the time comes, they'll have a BMW in the colour she wants? - What's your problem? - I guess we'll go over it later.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Go eat some cake or watch YouTube or something.
Were you trying to impress her? The bad-boy drug dealer who drives all the good girls wild? It's not like that.
She is totally, totally trustworthy.
And you would know this how? You met her three weeks ago.
In your 17 years on Earth you've gained such great insight and wisdom into people? - She's gonna make a lot of money for us.
- We know nothing about her except that she's a fundamentalist who likes to smoke pot.
That does not inspire me with confidence.
You married a DEA agent.
Also monumentally stupid.
I would hope that my children could learn from my mistakes.
I'd like my phone back.
No.
As I told you before, I have other plans for you.
You're coming with me to the grow house.
Should I be excited about this, or is this punishment? This is a way to learn about a business from the ground up, literally.
This is also a way to keep you occupied so you don't go off and do something else stupid.
Get it? Just a little something to say thank you for all your help.
Oh! - Look at that.
- 90 fucking percent of the vote, baby.
- I'm not gonna answer that.
- It might be important.
Everything that's important is right here in this room.
It's your daughter.
Tell her you're busy till tomorrow.
Then we can eat and fuck all day without interruption.
What? I can't understand anything that you're say Stop crying.
Isabelle, stop crying and talk! Son of a bitch.
Will you drop the Steel Magnolias bit? He's still breathing.
Why are you such a cunt? Please don't use foul language, Isabelle.
People will think you weren't raised right.
I wonder why.
Ow! Stop! Ow! Stop! - Good afternoon, Mrs Hodes.
- Yeah, for who? - Is he going to be OK? - He's lucky to be alive.
Animal urine disinfected many of his wounds.
- Animals peed on him? - Apparently, several.
Well, that's somehow perfect.
He's gonna be all right, though, right? The initial surgery was successful, but he'll need more.
Then there will be a tremendous amount of rehabilitation needed.
We're looking down a long road here, Mrs Hodes.
No, not we.
Him and you.
Not me.
- We are getting a divorce.
- So, who should I speak to? - There's no one else.
- There has to be someone else.
He was an only child.
Grandma and Grandpa are dead.
- There's no one else but you.
- Well, what about the state? I'm sure there must be some lovely, state-funded institutions that will take him.
- Dad.
- Oh, God.
Come on! Move it! What's going on, Dwight? Just open the gate.
Doug Wilson.
Councilman Doug.
I'm here every day.
Don't you remember I wore that pompom hat the other day? You loved that hat.
Yeah, you did.
What? This is letting the air conditioning escape.
The computer says your membership's been revoked.
What? By who? I don't know, but it's in red, so it's from pretty high up.
- You have to turn your car around.
- No.
I'm not moving.
Sullivan Groff and this whole fucking place can kiss my black ass.
- This is so not over.
- I'm sorry, sir.
I did like your pompom hat.
Save yourself.
You're too good for these assholes.
Go get a job you'd be proud of.
We'll see who laughs last.
- Conrad, teach him to grow.
- This little fucker? No, hold up.
OK, no, this little fucker steals our shit, and I'm supposed to be his mentor? Yes, think of it as a Big Brother kind of thing, or Scared Straight.
He needs a positive male influence in his life.
- And I'm the only man you know? - The only real man.
- You think this shit is gonna fly with me? - It's not shit.
You're the best at what you do.
I mean that.
Hey, watch this right here.
Your mother's smooth as butter.
Not always.
Silas, your only lines are, "Yes, I'm willing to do anything you say," and, "Thank you for this opportunity.
" So how much are you paying me to baby-sit? - Pay you? - That is what I'm doing.
You can't handle him so you're giving him to me to set him straight.
- $10 an hour.
- Don't be cheap with me.
The going rate is closer to $15 in the suburbs.
After business is up and running, I'll buy you a Rolex.
Because all black men like a little bling-bling? Yes.
Go on.
Make my boy your bitch.
All right, Nancy, you want your boy to be my bitch? He'll be my bitch.
Poor guy.
Poor wrecked guy.
OK, tell me she gave you a sponge bath.
She soaped it up and then slurped the gobbledygoop.
Blink once for yes, two for no, three for hell yes.
Oh, God! Listen, buddy, you don't have to worry about anything.
Buddy Doug here has got your back.
Now, in case you turn into a vegetable, I've taken the liberty of drawing up this power of attorney.
You need to sign this now, or your cunt wife will crush the one part of you that hasn't already been crushed.
All right? Just try to work with me here.
Sign your name.
There we go.
OK.
Your assets are protected.
I speak for you now.
Do you have any assets? You got your MILF money coming to you .
Nance is back in business.
Conrad's got a grow house three times the size.
Money's flowing in like this morphine in your arm.
Huh.
Just a little while.
Share the love? Are you out of your fucking mind? He might have a disease.
Let's see if there's any clean needles.
Then we'll just pull the tube.
Fair enough.
I could use a little something.
It's so hard to see him like this.
- Think he'll be in pain if we take the drip out? - No, he'll be fine.
Right, buddy? You are such a good friend.
We love you, man.
- What? - Bingo.
Does this mean we can't go to Hawaii? No, this means I have to sell the Majestic house, and then I have to pay for someone else to take care of the magnificent invalid.
Baby, you can't sell the Majestic house.
What can I do? I need the money.
No, seriously, you can't sell it.
The mortgage is held by a dummy corporation.
You can live in it for as long as you want, but if you try to sell it, the jig's up.
- You'll go to jail for accepting a bribe.
- Shit.
Can you sell it for me? - I thought Dean was out of your life.
- He was.
Until the handitard went and drove off of a cliff.
You'll think of something.
You're a very resourceful woman, Celia Hodes.
- Fucking rolling blackouts.
- The planet's over-populated.
Resources are running out.
The world is It's doomed.
- More wine? - Oh, God, yeah.
I have to sit down.
When Shane was little, he called the stars "up aboves.
" - I miss the simplicity of toddlerhood.
- Amen to that.
I'm failing my children.
Oh, God.
Who isn't? Yeah.
Tim's kind of a dickhead.
- Fuck you.
I love my son.
- Oh, sorry, of course you do.
I love my dickhead son.
- I have ice-cream cake.
- I want cake.
Give me cake.
- Give me cake! - Cake! Someone's yelling, and people are sleeping.
How drunk are we? - We're not drunk, Andy.
We're - Lubricated.
- Is that the technical term? - You got a problem with that? - No, ma'am.
- He called me ma'am.
Get him, Val, get him.
You think I'm a ma'am? You are definitely not a ma'am.
No, ma'am.
I'm getting cake and three forks, and no one can stop me.
Thank you.
- You getting up? - No, I'm fine down here.
Who's your friend? - Do you like her? - She's Who is she? - She's my new friend.
- About time you got a friend.
Oh, not nice, Andy.
Not a nice thing to say.
So, how do you know her? She's Peter's ex-wife.
I'm sorry, Nance.
Are you fucking insane? Thank you.
You know, it's funny, but if we don't succeed in life, we run the risk of failure.
It's not pollution that's causing problems.
It's the impurities in the air and in the water.
So I say to you, my fellow Majesticans, change is good because change is change.
Thank you very much.
God bless you, and God bless the new Majestic! Thank you! Holy shit.
Wow, that's a lot of sewage.
# Buttmachine, buttmachine # Oh baby, buttmachine, buttmachine # Buttmachine That motherfucker.
# B-b-b-buttmachine I'm gonna have him killed.
# The future is all planned and now it comes to pass # Artificial man, artificial # Thin as a line, look at the time, time tickin' and tell me that you think it's clean # Where there's a way there is a lie, everybody we trusted not to be so mean # Whoa, disgust! We're so disgusting, throwing it up and busting at the seams # Putting the peas up with the pies, everybody come bust it with the buttmachine # End of the line, look at the time, time tickin' and tell me that you think it's clean # Before you know, forget thejoke, know that nobody's laughing but the buttmachine # Buttmachine, buttmachine # B-b-b-b-buttmachine, buttmachine # Kick a buttmachine #