Everybody Hates Chris s03e10 Episode Script

( cheerful theme playing ) CHRIS: The holiday break was my favorite time of the year.
Two weeks of complete freedom from school.
No assignments and no homework.
This year, my holiday gift to you is a homework assignment.
I'm glad I didn't get her anything.
Don't fret.
This will be fun.
Your assignment is to help someone in need and give back to your community.
I'm on vacation.
Call Oprah.
Oh, I'm gonna do what I do every Christmas at the old folks' home.
What's that? Pose for pictures dressed as baby Jesus.
I posed for pictures as big baby Jesus.
R.
I.
P.
, ODB.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know, something quick so I can enjoy my vacation.
Chris, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
Maybe work at a soup kitchen.
Oh, that's so nice.
Oh, but the only thing is I don't think there's one in my neighborhood.
Oh, yes, there is.
( whispers ) Could you give this back to Robert, the manager? He dropped it in sixth period study hall.
Sure he did.
Thanks, man.
Come get some soup? Oh, no.
Actually, I'm here to volunteer.
I got plenty of volunteers.
This time of year, everybody wants to give back.
But I'm doing this for a school assignment.
You got any suggestions? I don't know, man.
White people take all the volunteer jobs at the soup kitchen.
If they really wanted to help the hungry, they'd volunteer at the meat kitchen.
Hey, Kill Moves.
You waiting for soup? This a soup line? I was waiting to sit on Santa's lap.
Well, what do you want Santa to give you? Three hundred issues of Jet magazine, a solid gold football helmet, and an Ionic Breeze air purifier.
That last thing hadn't even been invented yet.
Anything else? A Christmas present for my mother.
Really? I can help you with that.
This was the perfect opportunity to get rid of my school assignment, and it was the daily double: I got to help a homeless person and a crazy person at the same time.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: Christmas was my mother's favorite time of year.
She loved the food.
And she loved the decorations.
My father, on the other hand, hated Christmas.
He hated the food.
I need to go grocery shopping.
And he hated the decorations.
We need decorations.
What's wrong, Julius? Man, those papers are heavy this time of year.
Kills my back.
What's going on for the holidays? Not much.
I didn't get my Christmas bonus.
It's gonna be tight.
It's tight, all right, man.
I ain't got this year, man.
I'm not buying no gifts, I'm not buying no cards.
I'm not even calling nobody, man.
Everybody getting the same gift from me this year: hope.
Hope I buy them something.
Thanks, Manny Have a good one, man.
Good luck, man.
My father would have given us the best Christmas he could until he found out he had another option.
Brothers and sisters, we need to stop this Christmas racket.
What's all this? What's this? Come over here, brother.
We encourage you to celebrate Kwanzaa this year.
And stop being a slave to consumerism.
Free yourself of your financial oppressors by giving African love.
What's Kwanzaa? Kwanzaa is celebrated the seven days after Christmas and emphasizes principles of family, community and culture.
This peaceful African holiday was the great idea of Dr.
Maulana Karenga.
Later, one of his bad ideas led him to prison for four years for felonious assault and false imprisonment.
Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed limited success, felonious assault swept the nation and continues to thrive throughout the African-American community today.
Well, are there presents? Yeah, but they should come from the earth.
Like diamonds? No.
Well, they're from the earth and they're from Africa.
That may be true, but I'm talking about crops and fruits and vegetables.
What comes from the earth in Bed-Stuy are cigarette butts and crack vials.
But we want toys, right, Chris? Doesn't make much difference to me.
I haven't gotten a present in four years.
Maybe this year I can get some fruit.
Judging by my luck during past holidays, I'll be getting some pits.
Julius, can I ask you a question? Shoot.
Are you doing Kwanzaa 'cause it's cheap? Yes.
No.
Are you sure? No.
Positive.
I mean, we don't want our kids growing up thinking holidays are all about buying, buying, buying.
There's more to life than just running to the toy store.
Okay.
Happy Kwanzaa.
While my family was preparing for Kwanzaa, I was preparing to go shopping with Kill Moves.
I didn't know much about him, except that on Sunday mornings he directed traffic in his underwear.
Hey, Kill Moves.
Merry-- I thought you was the mailman.
I was gonna give him this Christmas tip.
Come on in.
MAN ( on TV ): When they get ready to play on Sunday You got cable? Can't miss Inside the NFL.
I love Nick Buoniconti.
So we looking for a gift for your mother? No, actually it's for your mother.
Don't talk about my mama! I didn't mean like that.
That's okay.
I didn't hear you anyway.
So what kinds of things does your mother like? I don't know, but if it was your mother, what would you get her? Diamonds and a white man.
Good choice.
Okay, I don't think we can buy that.
But maybe chocolates? Sounds good.
Good.
So you got any money? Uh, just this.
It's a bunch of money in here.
Where'd you get all this? In here.
Okay.
Well, let's go get something for you mother.
What crazy see, crazy do.
Hey, Monica.
Hey, Tonya.
Cool hat.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, thanks, but you didn't have to do this.
Uh-huh.
It's Christmas.
Oh.
Well, I have your gift, but I just-- I have to wrap it.
That's cool.
Hey, do you want to go Christmas caroling with me and my cousins? Christmas caroling? Black people? Really? No, my family's already doing stuff, but we're doing it at home.
Yeah.
Bye.
While Tonya wouldn't speak about Kwanzaa, Drew was ready to start speaking Swahili.
The first principle of Kwanzaa is umoja: unity.
That means us black people gotta stick together.
Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.
Come on, baby, you're gonna miss it.
Here.
Here's your corn.
What am I supposed to do with this? You husk it, and then we make hats out of it.
You know, to keep the blue-eyed demons out of our heads.
Whatever.
Look, can I have some money to buy a Christmas present for my friend Monica? Well, I'm afraid that's not in accordance with the principles of Kwanzaa.
Or my father's cheapness.
Well, she got me a gift, so shouldn't I give one back? Absolutely.
Here.
Give her this corn.
You still got some money left in here.
You want it? No, thanks.
Your mom's gonna love those chocolates and the watch.
I don't know.
Are you sure this is a good watch? Timex has a slogan.
I never heard of a slogan for Rolex.
How about "It takes a lickin', and then you buy a new one because you're rich"? Trust me, it's good.
Anyway, thanks for your help.
No problem.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Kwanzaa.
And merry methadone.
Say, listen, could you go with me tomorrow when I drop the gifts off to her house? Sure.
Where does she live? I don't know.
I guess giving back to the community wasn't going to be so quick and easy.
( knocking ) I'll get it.
CHRIS: The hard thing about Kwanzaa was that everybody else was celebrating Christmas.
Even if you stayed in the house, you couldn't escape it.
Merry Christmas Eve.
Hi, Greg.
Uh, uh, come on in.
Chris, Greg is here! I brought you a Christmas gift.
Thank you.
You didn't have to.
Trivia fact: those are his real ears.
You didn't tell me you'd be working as one of Santa's elves this year.
I'm not.
Oh.
So where's your Christmas tree? We're celebrating Kwanzaa this year.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Harambee.
CHRIS: God bless you.
Oh, beets.
These are my favorite.
Lots of vitamin A.
This was on my list.
So what are you doing today? Well, I got to be back at the North Pole by 11, but other than that, nothing.
Good, 'cause I need your help.
So we're gonna go through some of your stuff, see if we can find clues to your mother's whereabouts.
We're going to point to stuff, you tell us what it is.
Roger.
You mean, "yes"? No, I mean "Roger.
" You're pointing at Roger.
That's the bear's name.
And he finds pointing very rude.
And he finds his owner very crazy.
I love Kwanzaa.
Doesn't interfere with Christmas and it's a good way to bring the family together.
You know, Christmas is too materialistic.
Yeah, well, my mom made this for you.
Ooh.
Well, tell your mama I said thank you.
You know, I did a little jail time with the guy who invented Kwanzaa.
Really? Yeah.
I won a hat just like this from him in a card game.
He was a good guy.
If he hadn't committed that felonious assault, Kwanzaa would have caught on, been big.
No, it wouldn't.
Look, I got to go in the back.
Holler if you need something.
She needed something.
She didn't holler.
Well, I'll see you later, Doc.
That's my CIA card from the Bay of Pigs invasion.
An address book.
A piggy bank from the 1964 World's Fair.
Wait, what you just say? ( loudly ) A piggy bank from the 19-- No, no, you said this is an address book.
Mom, Kathleen Deveraux, Dude, that's on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
Do you know what kind of people live there? White people and Spike Lee.
( Aretha Franklin's "Respect" playing ) Why am I doing this? If you're gonna see your mother, you gotta get cleaned up.
All right.
You're the elf.
Cleaning up Kill Moves was tougher than cleaning up New Orleans after Katrina.
Here.
What size you wear? Six-fifty long.
All right.
Uh.
Oh, hey.
Huh? Huh? What do you think? You have something in a chartreuse? ~ Just a little bit ~ Stop moving around so much.
Take it easy.
I'm tender-headed.
Ow! After 15 bottles of shampoo and a Silkwood shower, our job was complete.
You're done.
Ooh-ee.
I look like a young Cleavon Little.
More like an old Clifton Davis.
How much? Nothing.
Just consider it a Christmas gift.
Hey, slick, if you wasn't a psychotic, homeless bum, I'd go out with you.
Get in line, sister.
Get in line.
Since there was no "Kwanzaa Eve" celebration for my family, Christmas Day turned into just another Wednesday.
Aren't there any Kwanzaa shows on? Yeah.
The Bob Hope Kwanzaa Special.
Everything is about Christmas.
Our ancestors played games and told stories.
Because our ancestors didn't have TV.
See, that's Kwanzaa's second principle, Kujichagulia: self-determination.
Kuji-what? We define ourselves.
We don't need The Man telling us what to watch.
Do we have any wrapping paper? We have Kwanzaa paper.
Here you go.
baby.
Mr.
Omar is outside.
Oh.
I'll get it.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Let the Yuletide ring.
What is all this? Oh, the Widows' Choir of Bed-Stuy.
Hey, y'all.
ALL: Hi.
What's wrong with y'all? You look like the Grinch stole your Christmas.
We're not celebrating Christmas this year.
We're celebrating Kwanzaa.
Yeah, we're tired of being consumed by this capitalistic nation's mindless consumerism.
Tragic.
Well, you won't be needing this, then.
Come on, ladies! Let's go and celebrate some Christmas cheer.
This has got to be wrong.
Baby, welcome home.
Hey, Mom, merry Christmas.
I guess this is it.
Baby, it's so good to see you.
I've been very worried.
It's good to see you too, Mom.
How have you been? Homeless.
Other than that.
Good.
You know, watching my diet.
I get a lot of exercise, and I don't talk to space people as much as I used to.
Except for Gazoo.
Well, of course.
And who are you? Oh, I'm Chris.
Welcome to my home, Chris.
Wow.
Looks like a department store.
Well, this is my favorite time of year.
I bought you a Christmas present.
Hm.
A watch.
And Turtles.
Where did you find Turtles? At the corner store.
Didn't you see the Rolex? I have eight Rolexes, but I haven't had a Turtle since I was a girl.
This is very sweet of you.
Thanks, Mom.
Well, why don't you put your coat down? Edgar, why don't you play something for us on the piano? I want to talk to Chris for a little while.
( knuckles cracking ) ( playing beautifully ) Well, thank you for bringing my boy home.
He gets lost easily.
Has he always been like this? You mean "crazy"? ( laughs sinisterly ) Yeah.
Oh, Edgar's always been savant-like.
As a little child he had a talent for charts, graphs, numbers, and martial arts.
Really? Edgar? What is the square root of pi? I knew that.
Until a few years ago, he was functioning semi-normally as an air traffic controller.
What happened? ( keys slam ) Ronald Reagan.
He fired us all.
That sent me on a downward spiral of paranoia, schizophrenia Reagan too.
I took to wandering the streets until I met Gazoo, the spaceman.
He told me that the only true freedom could be found by living in a box.
Gazoo? From The Flintstones.
Later Christmas day, my family got a visit from the Ghost of Shoplifting Present.
Oh, yes? Hi.
I'm Monica's mother.
Tonya's friend.
Oh, hi.
How can I help you? I came to return this gift Tonya gave her.
It's too expensive.
It has to cost, like, Oh, well, I completely understand.
Wait a minute.
Would you like some beets? Why, thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
And a happy Kwanzaa to you as well.
That look means, "I don't know what the hell is going on, but I'm about to find out.
" Where'd you get this? Doc's store.
Where'd you get the money? You did have the money, didn't you? ( sighs ) Monica got me a Christmas present and I didn't have one to give back, so I took it.
You took it.
You mean you stole it.
I'm sorry.
Oh, you're gonna be sorry.
But first you're gonna take this back to Doc's and you're gonna tell him what you did.
Am I in trouble? ( chuckles ) Girl, you better be lucky it's the holidays.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Nice to see you again, Mom, but I gotta get home before somebody moves into my box.
I want you to keep in touch this time.
I will.
I'll call you from the phone in my head.
Great.
Chris, this is my number.
Will you call me from the phone in your house and let me know how he's doing? Yes.
I appreciate that.
You still have the suitcase I gave you? Yes, ma'am.
Well, is there anything left in it? No, ma'am, it's empty.
Well, here's another.
Thank you.
And thank you, Chris.
It's nice to know that Edgar has a friend.
Yeah.
He's a good friend too.
Bye, Mom.
Merry Christmas.
My assignment was to give something back to the community, and I didn't think I had anything to give, but that's only because you can't buy a friend at a store.
Finding out that Kill Moves's mother was a rich socialite should have been the biggest surprise I had that day, but it wasn't.
What's in there anyway? Same as last time.
You want some? I can't eat it all.
No, thanks.
Well, at least take this, uh, holiday card.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Chris.
CAROLERS: ~ We wish you A merry Christmas ~ ~ We wish you A merry Christmas ~ ~ And a happy New Year ~ ~ Good tidings we bring To you and your friends ~ ~ We wish you A merry Christmas ~ ~ And a happy New Year ~ JULIUS: Rochelle.
What's wrong? This is the just worst holiday ever.
Chris isn't home, Tonya's stealing, and Drew claims he's never gonna talk to white people again.
Years later, Drew married a white woman, but every Christmas, he ignores her.
I'm sorry, baby.
Kwanzaa seemed like a good idea.
It's okay.
We'll celebrate Kwanzaa this time, but next year we're having Christmas.
I have a confession to make.
What? Well, the reason we're not celebrating Christmas this year is I didn't get my bonus.
I knew it! I knew it.
You always choose cheap over the truth.
Why didn't you tell me you didn't have any money? Well, I didn't want to disappoint you, baby.
Julius, we have been And a partridge in a pear tree.
I know you better than you know yourself.
Okay, fine.
We just gotta figure out a way to fix this.
Kwanzaa had been a disaster at my house, but at least Kill Moves had a good Christmas.
Then, just when I thought I had nothing left to give-- Hey.
Happy holidays, 'lil dude.
Let me hold a dollar.
I don't have any money.
But I do have this Christmas card.
( sighs ) Thanks.
You owe me a dollar.
Merry Christmas.
Even though Christmas had passed, my parents wanted to let some of our old traditions live.
What's going on? BOTH: Merry Christmas! Fortunately, one of the day- after-Christmas traditions is that everything is 75 percent off.
Kill Moves and his mother taught me a valuable lesson: no matter what you celebrate, the holidays should be spent with people you love.
Thanks for that two grand, 'lil dude.
What two grand? It was in that Christmas card you gave me.
What? Yeah.
In the spirit of Christmas, I'm-a give you a dollar.
You got change for a hundred? ~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )