Queer as Folk s03e10 Episode Script

ÿþ1 ONE TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ Rumble of traffic/ beeping of car horn .]
Justin: MAN CANNOT LIVE ON THE BACK ROOM OF BABYLON ALONE.
IT'LL BE FUN TO FUCK SOME PLACE DIFFERENT FOR A CHANGE.
Justin: WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? COME ON.
Justin: SHIT! THEM TOO? WELL, LET'S TRY THE ADONIS.
COME AGAIN.
THE QUESTIONS IS, WHERE? [ Wailing of siren .]
WHAT'RE YOU BOYS UP TO? WE'RE JUST LOOKING FOR A GOOD PLACE TO FUCK.
KNOW OF ANY? HOW OLD ARE YOU? LET ME SEE SOME I.
D.
[ Sighing .]
[ Sniffling .]
YOU WERE HOPING FOR SOMETHING YOUNGER? ARE YOU HOPING TO CALL YOUR LAWYER TONIGHT FROM A HOLDING CELL AT THE PRECINCT? UH, HE'S JUST A LITTLE RAMBUNC- TIOUS, OFFICER.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE AT HIS AGE.
GO HOME, BOYS.
THE PARTY'S OVER.
[ Grunting .]
IT'S BECOME A BONA FIDE POLICE STATE HERE ON BEAUTIFUL LOSS-OF-LIBERTY AVENUE.
SOMETHING'S GOTTA BE DONE! YEAH.
.
.
ME.
[ Panting .]
[ Moaning .]
[ Moaning .]
[ Groan .]
[ Moaning .]
THAT'S FOR THE BOYS AT THE PRECINCT, JIM.
Brian: [ Laughing .]
Brian: MORNING, BOYS.
Michael: MISSED YOU AT BABYLON LAST NIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS SUCH A LOVELY EVENING, JUSTIN AND I DECIDED TO TAKE A STROLL.
OH, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE.
I HEAR IT WAS AN OVERFLOW CROWD.
FILLED TO CAPACITY.
Brian: WHAT WAS THE ENTICEMENT? FREE AIRLINE MILES FOR EVERY COCK YOU SUCK? HUH.
THERE'S NO- WHERE ELSE TO GO.
STOCKWELL'S CLOSED DOWN HALF THE STREET.
AND YOU'VE EMPOWERED HIM DO TO IT.
FRANKLY, HE'S DOING US A FAVOUR.
THE GRAVEL PIT WAS ALWAYS A SKANK-HOLE.
THE ONLY THING I EVER PICKED UP THERE WAS A CASE OF CRABS.
THE BATHS WERE ALWAYS FULL OF TROLLS, AND THE ADONIS HADN'T CLEANED THE CUM OFF THEIR FLOORS SINCE THE DAY THEY OPENED.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
OUR WORLD'S BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM US.
AND THAT INCLUDES OUR RIGHT TO FUCK WHEREVER WE WANT.
I THOUGHT SOMEHOW THAT MIGHT HAVE PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE FOR YOU.
THE ONLY THING THAT HAS PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE TO HIM IS SIGNING UP STOCKWELL'S BACKERS AND MOVING TO NEW YORK.
[ Clicking of tongue .]
Man: OKAY, WILL YOU PLEASE CALM DOWN? Ted: NO, I WILL <i>NOT</i> CALM DOWN! I AM JUST DOING WHAT I'M TOLD.
BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT TO SEE THE FUCKING MANAGER NOW! NOW! HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT.
.
.
WHA.
.
.
W-WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S GOING ON? THEY WON'T LET ME IN! WE GOT AN INSUFFI- CIENT FUNDS NOTICE FROM THE BANK WHEN WE TRIED TO BILL HIS ACCOUNT.
THAT'S BULLSHIT! I-I'M SURE IT'S JUST A MIX-UP.
WE WILL GET YOU A GUEST MEMBERSHIP FOR NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR NINE YEARS.
NINE YEARS! YOU'D THINK YOU COULD SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR MEMBERSHIP! SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HONEY, YOU SHOULD SEE THE CARNAGE WHEN YOGA SELLS OUT.
POOR TEDDY.
THESE DAYS, THE SLIGHTEST LITTLE AFFRONT IS LIKE A KNIFE IN HIS HEART.
MAYBE WHAT HE NEEDS IS A VACATION.
MAYBE WHAT HE NEEDS IS AN INDUSTRIAL- STRENGTH VALIUM.
VALIUM? WELL LOOK AT IT.
IT'S BEATING SO FAST! OH, THAT'S QUITE NORMAL.
PREGNANCY'S HARD WORK, FOR BOTH THE CHILD AND THE MOTHER.
ESPECIALLY AFTER MELANIE'S ENDOMETRIOSIS.
ENDO.
.
.
MEETRY.
.
.
WHAT? YOU'LL PROB- ABLY DISCOVER THAT THE PAIN'LL SUBSIDE DURING THE PREGNANCY.
PAIN? WHAT PAIN? BUT IN THE MEANTIME, SHE SHOULD STILL BE TAKING IT EASY.
RIGHT, DOCTOR? IS SOMETHING THE MATTER? EVERYONE, PLEASE STOP WORRYING.
I AM NOT WORRYING.
I AM! I WAS JUST MAKING A SUGGESTION.
THERE'S NO HARM IN TAKING IT EASY.
SHE'S PRACTICALLY WORKING HERSELF INTO A STATE OF EXHAUSTION.
WHAT? I AM NOT WORKING MYSELF INTO A STATE OF EXHAUSTION.
PLEASE.
SHE THINKS SHE CAN DO IT ALL.
BECAUSE I CAN! Doctor: YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL, MELANIE, NOT TO OVERDO.
TOO MUCH STRESS, NOT EATING PROPERLY, THESE ALL CAN LEAD TO SERIOUS COMPLICATIONS.
JESUS.
I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, I REALLY DO.
IT'S JUST, MY DARLING, DEVOTED PARTNER IS SIMPLY OVERREACTING AND DRIVING ME NUTS! YOU'D THINK WITH ALL THE CHRONIC MASTURBATION HE'D BE CALM BUT.
.
.
HE'S A JANGLE OF NERVES.
IT'S NOT FUNNY! MEL'S RUNNING HERSELF RAGGED.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS ON THE RAG.
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO, OKAY? SHE'S THE ONE CARRYING THE BABY.
<i>OUR</i> BABY.
Ben: SO? DID YOU SEE IT? WHAT.
.
.
WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE? DID IT HAVE YOUR CUTE LITTLE TURNED-UP NOSE AND BUTTON EYES AND PERFECTLY- SHAPED PENIS? YOU REALLY THINK SO? HEY, HEY! IT'S THE SIZE OF A PEANUT.
[ Beeping of cell phone .]
THE BABY! I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S REALLY FUCKIN' AMAZING.
HELLO? YES? MY WHAT? OH.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
WELL, IS HE ALL RIGHT? Y.
.
.
NO, I-I SEE.
.
.
I TEACH UNTIL 3:00, BUT I CAN BE THERE AFTER THAT.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? Y-YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
UM, I WILL SEE YOU LATER.
PLEASE STOP WORRYING.
WHO'S WORRYING? THAT'S MY JOB, DAMMIT.
MELANIE'S WORK- ING TOO HARD, AND MICHAEL.
.
.
MICHAEL'S WORRIED FOR THE LIFE OF HIS CHILD! SWEETHEART, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.
ONCE UPON A GODFORSAKEN TIME, THERE WAS A BEAU- TIFUL PRINCESS AND SHE WORKED HER ASS OFF UNTIL THE DAY SHE POPPED HER KID.
AND SHE WENT BACK TO WORK THREE DAYS LATER.
THAT DIANA WAS AN INSPIRATION.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS, I COULDN'T AFFORD THE LUXURY OF NOT WORKING.
I HAD TO EARN A LIVING.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE 17.
MEL'S IN HER 30s, AND SHE'S GOT ENDO- METRY-WHATEVER-THE- FUCK-IT'S-CALLED, AND NOW SHE'S TAKEN ON THE BIGGEST COURT CASE OF HER LIFE.
YEAH, AND DON'T FORGET: SHE'S A CWAZY WESBIAN.
NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I'M WORRIED? WELL? SAY SOMETHING! [ Ringing of order bell .]
SOMEBODY BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON THAT GIRL.
OH MY GOD! NOW I REALLY NEED A VALIUM.
Ted:[ Reading .]
"TRY DISCOUNT VIAGRA.
" "WATCH TEENAGE GIRLS DOING IT WITH FARM ANIMALS.
" WHOO-HOO.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
"REFINANCE YOUR HOME.
" LIKE I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT ANY MORE.
"UNDERGROUND SEX PARTY.
" WHAT, WITH CORPSES? "YOU'VE RECEIVED THIS CUZ YOU'RE ONE OF PITTSBURGH'S HOTTEST SEX-PIGS.
" BOY, DOES YOUR LIST NEED UPDATING.
"CUM JOIN THE HOTTEST SEX PARTY IN TOWN TOMORROW AT THE PARADISE MOTEL.
" THAT FILTHY, PESTILENCE- RIDDEN HOLE? NOW IF THEY WANT TO CLOSE SOME PLACE, WHY DON'T THEY CLOSE THAT? [ Opening of door .]
SORRY, BOYS, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PARTY WITHOUT ME.
WELL, IT'S ALL CONFIRMED.
OUR RESERVATION AT THE MAPLE LEAF INN! EM, I TOLD YOU, I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO TO THE COUNTRY, NOT EVEN FOR A NIGHT.
AND I TOLD YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
IT'S MY TREAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO TREAT ME! I'M NOT A CHARITY CASE.
[ Loud sigh .]
ACTUALLY I AM.
[ Clinking of bottles .]
TEDDY.
.
.
HOW MANY TIMES WERE YOU THERE FOR ME WHEN I COULDN'T EVEN AFFORD TO PAY MY PHONE BILL? NOW IT IS MY TURN TO BE THERE FOR YOU.
[ Dropping of keys .]
COME ON, IT'LL DO YOU GOOD TO GET AWAY, RELAX, FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING.
HMM, THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO DO, CONSIDERING I HAVE NOTHING.
AREN'T YOU FORGET- TING ONE THING? YOU STILL HAVE ME.
[ Ringing of cell phone .]
OOH, GOD.
HELLO? YES, THIS IS HE.
OH! I'D BE DELIGHTED.
[ Chuckling .]
UH, UH, TOMORROW? WELL, ACTUALLY, UM, UH, TOMORROW'S NOT GOOD.
.
.
MM, I.
.
.
I SEE.
WELL, UH, UH, LET'S SAY AROUND 2:00 THEN? I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
OKAY.
YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO THAT WAS.
THAT WAS MRS.
HENRY ASHCROFT THE THIRD.
WIFE OF HENRY ASHCROFT THE THIRD.
ANYWAY, UH, SHE HEARD ABOUT ME FROM ONE OF HER FRIENDS, AND WANTS ME TO DO HER NEXT PARTY.
MY, MY.
YOUR STAR IS CERTAINLY ON THE ASCENDANT.
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, UH, SHE INSISTS, INSISTS, INSISTS.
.
.
THAT I MEET WITH HER TOMORROW.
IT'S THE ONLY TIME SHE HAS.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR ENJOY- ING THE BUCOLIC CHARM OF RURAL PENNSYLVANIA.
NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT YOU TO GO ANYWAY.
I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT YOU, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'RE PAYING.
WELL, IT MIGHT BE EVEN BETTER THIS WAY.
YOU NEED SOME TIME ALONE TO.
.
.
COMMUNE WITH NATURE.
.
.
WITH YOUR SOUL.
WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG? IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.
SO I GOT A CALL.
.
.
TELLING ME "MY NEPHEW" WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
WHICH WAS SURPRISING, SINCE I DON'T HAVE A NEPHEW.
YOU DO NOW.
.
.
"UNC".
WELL, SINCE WE'RE "RELATED", YOU MIND TELL- ING ME WHAT'S GOING ON? THE DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE SOME KIND OF KIDNEY INFECTION.
HMM.
HURTS LIKE HELL.
I HEAR THEY CAN BE PRETTY PAINFUL.
I PASSED OUT, RIGHT ON THE SIDEWALK.
AFTER LAYING THERE FOR AN HOUR, SOMEBODY FINALLY BOTHERED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HERE NOW.
I'M SURE THAT THEY'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.
THEY WANTED TO KNOW THE NAME OF MY PARENT OR GUARDIAN.
SO I GAVE 'EM YOURS.
UH-H.
.
.
WELL YOU SAID I SHOULD CALL IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM.
THERE WAS A PROBLEM.
I AM NOT GOING TO LIE TO THEM, GET MYSELF IN TROUBLE, YOU AS WELL.
I'D BETTER GO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT.
.
.
NO, WAIT! IF YOU TELL THEM YOU'RE NOT MY UNCLE, THEY'LL CALL THE POLICE.
THEY'LL PUT ME BACK IN THE SYSTEM.
HUNTER, THAT MAY NOT BE THE WORST THING.
YOU THINK SO? I TOLD YOU WHAT IT WAS LIKE! WEREN'T YOU LISTENING? I'M SURE THERE MUST BE SOME DECENT FAMILIES.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA WANT ME.
THEY'RE GONNA WANT SOME CUTE LITTLE THREE- YEAR-OLD.
I GET TO ROT IN SOME COUNTY HOME WITH THE OTHER REJECTS.
WELL, THERE MUST BE SOME OTHER SOLUTION.
HUNTER, I'M SORRY.
WHY'D YOU EVEN BOTHER GIVING ME YOUR NUMBER, ASSHOLE? SO YOU FEEL LIKE SOME FUCKIN' DO-GOODER? NEXT TIME, DON'T EVEN BOTHER! [ Approaching footsteps .]
BEN BRUCKNER? UH.
.
.
YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE HUNTER'S UNCLE? UH.
.
.
I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO FILL OUT SOME FORMS.
WHOOPS.
NOT TONIGHT! DON'T YOU WANT TO PARTY LIKE IT'S "1984"? THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT TO DO.
YEAH, ME TOO.
I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.
[ Inhaling deeply .]
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL DRUGS.
AH.
I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE BACK ROOM, AND PLAY GOOD COCK.
.
.
OOOH.
BAD COCK? OH-H.
[ Footsteps .]
SOMEBODY THERE? [ Footsteps .]
WHO IS IT? I'VE GOT MACE.
.
.
IF I CAN EVER FUCKING FIND IT.
IT'S JUST ME, MEL.
OH! IT'S JUST ME! MICHAEL! DON'T SHOOT.
OH, JESUS! FUCKING CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED SOME HELP WITH THE GROCERIES.
[ Sigh .]
GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T GET THAT 10-GALLON BOTTLE OF DETERGENT.
WERE YOU IN THE SUPERMARKET? HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME? NO! WELL, KINDA.
[ Sigh .]
CAN YOU BELIEVE JUNIOR DETECTIVE'S BEEN SPYING ON ME ALL DAY? YOU HAVE? WELL, I WAS WORRIED! YOUR DOCTOR SAID YOU SHOULD WATCH YOUR STRESS LEVEL, SO.
.
.
SO YOU DECIDED TO RAISE IT BY NEARLY GIVING ME A HEART ATTACK? WELL, MICHAEL DOES HAVE A POINT.
I MEAN, WORKING ALL DAY, DOING THE GROCERIES AT MIDNIGHT, AND NEXT TIME, LET THE BOX-BOY HELP YOU TO YOUR CAR.
I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS! I AM ONLY 10 WEEKS PREGNANT! I-IS THIS THE KIND OF OVERBEARING, OVER- PROTECTIVE BEHAVIOUR I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS? SHH, GUS IS SLEEPING, HONEY.
WELL, IT HAD BETTER STOP RIGHT NOW! DO I HAVE YOUR WORD? DO I? I THINK YOU BETTER SAY YES.
OKAY.
I WON'T SPY ON YOU ANY MORE.
THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU FUCKIN' LOOK AT THAT? ISN'T IT FABULOUS? THEY'RE UP ALL OVER TOWN.
IT ADDS A NEEDED TOUCH OF CLASS TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.
ISN'T THERE A FINE FOR DEFACING PUBLIC PROPERTY? WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE DID IT? IT'S A BIG MYSTERY.
NO ONE KNOWS.
AH, IT'S LIKE OUR VERY OWN SECRET AVENGER! IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY SPOKE OUT.
BESIDES YOU? Justin: HEY.
CHRIST, SUNSHINE! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT.
I WAS WORKING ON A PROJECT.
WELL, IF YOU'RE DONE WITH HIM, WILL YOU PASS HIM ON TO ME? NOT THAT KIND OF PROJECT.
SO WHAT DOES OUR RESIDENT ART STUDENT THINK? YES, CARE TO CRITIQUE? Justin: THE MESSAGE IS HEAVY-HANDED, THE GRAPHICS ARE CRUDE.
EVERYBODY'S A FUCKIN' CRITIC.
I LIKE THE BOLD COARSENESS OF THE DESIGN.
IT'S VERY MUCH IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF AGIT-PROP ART.
Debbie: WHAT? PROPAGANDA POSTERS TO AGITATE THE MASSES.
Debbie: OH.
THIS OUGHT TO "AGITATE" STOCKWELL'S BOWELS WHEN HE SEES IT! Debbie: [ Laughing .]
I'D BETTER TAKE OFF.
I WANT TO GET TO THE COUNTRY BEFORE IT GETS TOO DARK.
DRIVE SAFELY.
Debbie: DON'T PICK UP ANY STRANGERS! UNLESS THEY'RE HOT.
WELL, HAVE A FABULOUS TIME.
FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING.
EXCEPT ME, OF COURSE! [ Chuckle .]
OH, AND, UH.
.
.
HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING, JUST IN CASE.
NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED IT.
[ Ignition of engine .]
[ Ringing of telephone .]
[ Flushing of toilet .]
JESUS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE PHONE? OH, I'M SORRY, I W.
.
.
I WAS WORKING ON THIS CHAPTER.
MY MIND WAS A MILLION MILES AWAY.
HELLO? YES, WHO'S CALLING? UM.
.
.
ONE MOMENT.
IT'S ALLEGHENY GENERAL.
THEY WANT TO VERIFY YOUR BILLING ADDRESS.
YEAH.
HELLO? YES? THAT'S RIGHT.
YES, THAT'S ALL CORRECT.
WAIT, I'M SORRY, THAT.
.
.
THAT'S PRETTY STEEP.
NO, NO, NO, ONE PAYMENT WILL BE FINE.
UH.
.
.
YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ Replacing of receiver .]
WHAT WAS THAT? IT WAS THE HOSPITAL.
YEAH, I KNOW.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? ARE YOU SICK? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL.
.
.
IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S HUNTER.
H.
.
.
HUNTER.
AS IN "HUNTER THE HUSTLER"? IT WAS.
.
.
AN EMERGENCY.
OKAY? HE HAD A.
.
.
HE HAD A KIDNEY INFECTION, BUT HE'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
SO WHAT'S WITH THE BILLING INFO? I TOLD THEM I'D PAY FOR IT.
WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT? IT'S A COUPLE OF THOUSAND.
A COUPLE OF THOUSAND.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WHY YOU? THEY THINK THAT I'M HIS UNCLE.
AND WHY DO THEY THINK THAT? BECAUSE I SAID SO.
MICHAEL, IF I HADN'T, THEY WOULD HAVE PUT HIM IN SOME GOD-AWFUL COUNTY FACILITY.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! THIS KID IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! HE WAS IN TROUBLE, HE NEEDED HELP.
AND THERE YOU WERE, CHARGING TO THE RESCUE.
WELL, Y.
.
.
YOU'RE GONNA GO BACK DOWN THERE AND TELL THEM THE TRUTH, AND THEY'RE GONNA CALL FAMILY SERVICES OR WHOEVER THE FUCK BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GET- TING INVOLVED! NOT! DO I MAKE MYSELF UNDERSTOOD? "HAVE A FABULOUS TIME.
" "FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING.
" [ Ringing of cell phone .]
[ Sighing .]
HELLO? Emmett:[ On phone .]
Hi, baby! Just, uh, checking in.
You on your way? TO THE PROMISED LAND.
I HEAR IT'S PARADISE! CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THERE.
Will do.
[ Sigh .]
"PARADISE".
<i>"YOU'VE RECEIVED THIS CUZ</i> <i>YOU'RE ONE OF PITTSBURGH'S</i> <i>HOTTEST SEX-PIGS.
"</i> ONE OF PITTSBURGH'S HOTTEST SEX-PIGS.
[ Tooting of car horn .]
[ Honking of car horn .]
[ Blaring of car horns .]
THERE'S A NEW RESTAURANT I'D LIKE TO TRY.
FOOD GOT ONE STAR, WAITERS GOT FOUR.
YOU WANT TO CHECK IT OUT? YEAH, I'D LOVE TO, NOT TONIGHT THOUGH.
I'M BUSY.
ANOTHER "PROJECT"? [ Knocking at door .]
Cynthia: BRIAN.
THANKS, CYNTHIA.
LET'S GO TO MY OFFICE.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE EDITORIAL PAGE? THEY'RE CALLING ME A NAZI.
A NAZI! AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THOSE GOD- DAMNED POSTERS! UM, WHY DON'T YOU FINISH THAT LATER? THANKS.
[ Closing of door .]
THEY'RE A PRANK.
IT'S A JOKE.
IT'S NOT A JOKE! THEY'RE EVERY- WHERE YOU LOOK.
DRIVING OVER HERE, I SAW THEM PRACTICALLY ON EVERY STREET CORNER.
THERE'S EVEN ONE IN FRONT OF POLICE HEADQUARTERS! WELL, THEN HAVE IT REMOVED.
YOU'RE THE CHIEF.
I NEED YOU TO COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF A SPOT.
WHAT FOR? TO REFUTE THIS.
PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.
HMM? IF YOU TAKE THOSE POSTERS SERIOUSLY, THEY WILL ROAST YOU ALIVE.
THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH IT IS TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF, HARDER THAN ANYONE.
WHEN'S YOUR NEXT PUBLIC APPEARANCE? LUNCH WITH THE BUSINESSMEN'S ASSOCIATION IN AN HOUR.
THEN "GOOD AFTERNOON PITTSBURGH".
IT'S PERFECT.
GET IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS AND JOKE ABOUT IT.
IN FACT, YOU BRING IT UP.
"HAVE YOU SEEN THESE POSTERS OF ME? HA HA.
" LET THE VOTERS KNOW THAT YOU WELCOME DISSENSION, AND THAT UNLIKE NAZI GERMANY, WE'RE BLESSED TO LIVE IN A FREE SOCIETY WHERE ALL VOICES ARE HEARD, AND THAT AS MAYOR, YOU INTEND TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.
NOW LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
HUH.
KEEP PRACTICING.
Men: [ Moaning on television .]
Men: [ Gasping/ moaning .]
$1.
25 FOR A FUCKING CAN OF SODA.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
DON'T EXACTLY HAVE ANY POCKETS.
OH, HERE, LET ME.
THANKS.
SO, UH.
.
.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? ORANGE? ROOT BEER? I'D LOVE SOME COKE.
[ Sniffing .]
GOT ANY? AH, NOT THAT KIND.
TOO BAD THERE'S NOT A MACHINE FOR THAT.
WHAT ABOUT FAVOURS? UH, NOT REALLY.
GOT SOME IN MY ROOM IF YOU'D LIKE.
UH.
.
.
NO.
THANKS.
IT'S NOT REALLY MY THING.
I'M MARK.
TED.
IT'S REALLY CLEAN.
I WOULDN'T DO IT, OTHERWISE.
SEE, UH.
.
.
[ Sniffing .]
I'M A DOCTOR.
EAR, NOSE AND THROAT.
GOT TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO DAMAGE THE NASAL PASSAGES.
WELL, YOU'RE THE EXPERT.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY? I'M IN 37.
WE GOT A BIT OF A PARTY GOING.
NICE BUNCH OF GUYS.
CUTE TOO.
UH, THANKS, UH.
.
.
BUT I-I'M JUST ON MY WAY UP NORTH.
WELL IF YOU DECIDE TO GO SOUTH.
.
.
COME JOIN US.
YES, THANKS FOR THE SODA.
Men: [ Groaning .]
HAPPY NOW? ALMOST.
ALMOST.
THE OTHER PART YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EVEN BE HAPPY THAT YOU RAISED.
Hunter: [ Chuckling .]
YOU WANT HER TO PAY FOR.
.
.
WHERE DO THEY GET THESE JUDGES? ARE THEY REALLY JUDGES? [ Chatter on television .]
AND THOSE LOSERS SUING EACH OTHER.
HOW COME THEY'RE ALL FAT? TURN IT OFF.
Judge: [ On Television .]
.
.
.
AND TAKE HER TO THE DOCTOR.
Man: NO, SHE.
.
.
VERY GOOD.
AND YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR THE VASECTOMY.
YOU'RE OVER 21.
.
.
WHAT'S UP? THIS LITTLE HOSPITAL STAY OF YOURS IS COSTING ME A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
HUH.
NO SHIT.
AND FOR WHAT? SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO LIVING ON THE STREET? I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU CALL PRACTICALLY FREEZING TO DEATH, SLEEPING IN DOORWAYS, "ALL RIGHT"? I DIDN'T ASK FOR A FUCKING LECTURE.
WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO GET ONE ANYWAY.
INSTEAD OF PEDDLING YOUR ASS, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THINKING OF THIS AS A WAKE-UP CALL, AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE RIGHT.
YEAH, I SHOULD GO ON ONE OF THOSE LUNATIC RELIGIOUS SHOWS AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR GIVING ME THIS SECOND CHANCE.
"I'M SAVED! I'M SAVED.
" AND I MIGHT AS WELL SAVE MYSELF SOME CASH.
I'M GOING TO GO TELL THAT SOCIAL WORKER THE TRUTH.
STRAIGHTEN THIS MESS OUT, ONCE AND FOR ALL.
YOU HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD LIFE, AND THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A SUCKER, YOU CALL SOMEBODY ELSE.
EXCUSE ME, I'D, UH, LIKE TO SPEAK TO A SOCIAL WORKER PLEASE, ABOUT THE PATIENT IN 216.
ARE YOU HUNTER'S GUARDIAN? ACTUALLY, I'M.
.
.
Nurse: EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR.
SORRY.
WE'RE RELEASING HIM TOMORROW.
BUT BEFORE WE DO, I THINK THERE'S SOME- THING YOU SHOULD KNOW.
Melanie: I KNOW IT'S LATE, BUT I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW.
UH, I'LL BE HOME IN A FEW.
OH SHIT! [ Sighing .]
[ Groans of pain .]
Michael: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? UH, MICHAEL.
UH.
.
.
I'M FINE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE INDIGESTION.
I THOUGHT WE'D AGREED YOU'D STOP STALKING ME.
I LIED.
IT'S A GOOD THING THAT I DID.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT IT IS.
YEAH.
INDIGESTION.
YOU KNOW, DESPITE WHAT YOU'VE HEARD, DO NOT EAT SOUR PICKLES WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT.
[ Chuckling .]
YEAH, I'LL TRY AND REMEMBER THAT.
[ Moaning .]
MEL, ARE YOU OKAY? [ Groaning .]
[ Whirring of photocopier .]
Brian: TAYLOR, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? LET ME GUESS.
THE MAD AVENGER WAS TOO CHEAP TO DO HIS COPYING AT KINKO'S, SO YOU OFFERED TO DO IT FOR HIM? I TOLD YOU, IT'S JUST AN ART PROJECT FOR SCHOOL.
UH-HUH.
[ Chuckling .]
WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL GET AN A-PLUS EVEN IF IT IS A BIT CRUDE AND HEAVY-HANDED, LOOK, I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE WOULD BE HERE THIS LATE.
SO.
.
.
YOU FOUND OUT MY SECRET IDENTITY.
OH, WELL, FUN'S OVER, SUPER-BOY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU MADE YOUR STATEMENT ONCE.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
NOW IT'S TIME TO CUT IT OUT.
I'M NOT GOING TO CUT IT OUT.
I'M DOING WHAT I BELIEVE IN.
FUCK WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN! I'M TELLING YOU TO STOP.
YOU ALSO ONCE TOLD ME YOU WANTED ME TO BE THE BEST HOMOSEXUAL I COULD POSSIBLY BE, WHICH INCLUDES NOT GIVING A SHIT WHAT ANY- ONE TELLS ME, TO THINK FOR MYSELF.
STOCKWELL IS A HOMOPHOBE, HE'S A FASCIST, AND HE'S A THREAT TO EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WE KNOW.
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK SO DOESN'T MEAN THAT I.
.
.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT STOCKWELL.
BUT YOU'RE NOT JUST FUCKING WITH HIM, YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME.
IT'S MY BUSINESS.
NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
[ Closing of photocopier .]
[ Closing of door .]
[ Ringing of cell phone .]
Emmett: [ On phone .]
Teddy, it's me.
Are you there? YEAH, I'M HERE.
SO HOW IS IT? VERY QUAINT.
HMM, HOW'S THE ROOM? NICE VIEW? YEAH, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIGHTS.
UH, LOOK, I GOT TO RUN.
UH, THEY'RE.
.
.
SERVING WINE AND CHEESE IN THE VICTORIAN SITTING ROOM.
You enjoy every yummy mouthful.
Men: [ Grunting .]
COME ON IN.
[ Sniffing .]
GREAT SHIT.
LIKE I SAID, NOTHING BUT THE BEST.
YOU WANT A SNORT? NO THANKS.
YOU SURE? [ Sighing .]
THEY'RE HOT, AREN'T THEY? SO BEAUTIFUL.
[ Sniffing .]
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
EVERYTHING'S.
.
.
FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
YOU WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL? [ Sniffing .]
[ Sniffing .]
THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.
[ Voice echoing .]
<i>YOU'RE GOING TO</i> <i>HAVE A GOOD TIME.
</i> THERE WAS JUST A BIT OF SPOTTING, ALONG WITH THE CRAMPS.
[ Clearing of throat .]
YOU CALL THOSE CRAMPS? I'VE HAD CRAMPS, BUT NEVER LIKE THAT.
IS SHE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT? AND THE BABY? OH, EVERY- THING'S FINE.
BUT IT'S A GOOD THING YOU GOT HERE AS QUICKLY AS YOU DID.
THANKS TO MY STALKER.
ARE YOU THE FATHER? YEAH.
WELL, THAT IS, UM, WHAT I MEAN IS, UH.
.
.
WHAT HE MEANS IS.
.
.
WHAT THEY MEAN IS, WE'RE ALL THE PARENTS.
OH.
[ Chuckle .]
GOOD.
[ Chiming of elevator bell .]
[ Chatter on P.
A.
.]
BEN? MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? MELANIE HAD A LITTLE EMERGENCY.
LUCKILY, I WAS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD SO I.
.
.
I DROVE HER OVER.
SHE OKAY? HMM, PROVIDED SHE LAYS OFF THE KOSHER DILLS.
DID YOU STRAIGHTEN EVERYTHING OUT? NOT EXACTLY.
WHY NOT? [ Sighing .]
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO COME CLEAN, GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, BEN! YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO LET THIS KID HUSTLE YOU OUT OF $2,000.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
UNDERSTAND WHAT? WHAT DON'T I GET THIS TIME? THAT YOU FEEL GUILTY? THAT YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AND HE KNOWS IT, THAT HE'S GOING TO PLAY YOU FOR EVERY- THING HE CAN? HE'S POSITIVE! I'M SORRY.
THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T JUST.
.
.
I UNDERSTAND.
DOES HE KNOW? NO, NOT YET.
UH, THE DOCTOR WAS GOING TO TELL HIM, BUT I SAID THAT IT WOULD BE.
.
.
BETTER IF HE HEARD IT FROM ME.
.
.
CONSIDERING I'M THE NEXT OF KIN.
Both: [ Sighing .]
[ Opening of refrigerator/rattling of bottles .]
Emmett: [ Yelping .]
OH MY GOD, TEDDY, YOU SCARED ME! SORRY.
I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU BACK SO SOON.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO.
.
.
CALL ME.
I FORGOT.
DIDN'T YOU EAT BEFORE YOU LEFT? I WANTED TO GET AN EARLY START.
DID YOU HAVE A FABULOUS TIME? IT WAS FABULOUS.
YEAH? YOU FEEL MORE RELAXED? MM.
LOTS.
OH, I'M SO HAPPY, BABY.
MM.
MM.
LET'S SEE, GIVE ME A KISS! HMM.
WHAT'S WITH THE GLASSES? OH, THE SUN WAS IN MY EYES, IT WAS A TOUGH DRIVE DOWN SO.
.
.
YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.
DIDN'T YOU GET ANY SLEEP? I WAS TOO QUIET.
OH.
WELL, NEXT TIME.
.
.
WE'LL GO TOGETHER.
HMM.
YEAH, AND WE'LL MAKE LOTS OF NOISE.
OKAY, I'LL, UH, I'LL GET DRESSED, YOU'LL TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? DAMNED IF I KNOW.
I HAVE NEVER HAD TO TELL ANYONE BEFORE THAT THEY WERE POSITIVE.
.
.
ESPECIALLY A KID.
WELL.
.
.
IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
IT'S NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.
IF ANYBODY KNOWS THAT, IT'S YOU.
AND I ALSO KNOW HOW I'VE STRUG- GLED WITH IT, HOW TERRIFYING IT CAN BE.
AND I'M TWICE HIS AGE.
I MEAN HOW IS HE GOING TO SURVIVE ON.
.
.
NOTHING? NOT EVEN A-A.
.
.
A ROOF OVER HIS HEAD, OR KNOWING WHERE HIS NEXT MEAL IS COMING FROM? NOT TO MENTION MEDICAL ATTENTION.
ALL THE MORE REASON WHY HE NEEDS TO BE IN A FOSTER HOME.
YEAH BUT NO ONE WOULD TAKE HIM BEFORE, WHO'S GOING TO TAKE HIM NOW? AND IT STILL DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION, "HOW DO I TELL HIM?" YOU'LL FIND THE RIGHT WORDS.
IT'S YOUR GIFT.
THERE ARE NO RIGHT WORDS TO TAKE AWAY THE ONE ILLUSION.
.
.
EVERY KID IS ENTITLED TO.
HIS INVINCIBILITY.
HIS IMMORTALITY.
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
YOU JUST FIGURED THAT OUT? I SPOKE AT THE PITTSBURGH PRESS ASSOCIATION LAST NIGHT, PLAYED IT EXACTLY LIKE YOU SAID, LAUGHED IT OFF.
THEY ATE IT UP.
[ Laughing .]
YEAH, I BET AFTER THAT RUBBER CHICKEN, THEY DID.
AND GUESS WHO I HEARD FROM WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE OFFICE? THE NRA? THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER.
OH? A WOMAN.
.
.
[ Rustling of paper .]
NAMED.
.
.
TANNIS.
THEY'RE ENDORSING ME.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
"THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER OFFICIALLY SUPPORTS CHIEF JAMES STOCKWELL IN HIS MAYORAL CAMPAIGN, AND PRAISES HIS EFFORTS TO CLOSE DOWN SEXUAL ESTABLISHMENTS THAT HAVE BEEN A BLIGHT ON THE IMAGE OF OUR COMMUNITY.
" GUESS THEY CAN'T CALL ME A HOMOPHOBE NOW, CAN THEY? I GUESS NOT.
THREE OTHER GAY ORGANIZATIONS HAVE COME OUT FOR ME AS WELL, ALL PRETTY MUCH SAYING THE SAME THING: "IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY CLEANED UP LIBERTY AVENUE.
" AND I HAVE YOU TO THANK.
YOU HELPED ME GET THAT MESSAGE OUT THERE.
.
.
THAT I WANT A SAFE, CLEAN, MORALLY-UPSTANDING CITY FOR ALL OF OUR CITIZENS.
YOU AND THE FINE FOLKS AT THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER.
.
.
UNDERSTAND THAT.
[ Whispering .]
PRETTY BABY.
Gus: [ Cooing .]
Debbie: YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD BOY.
HI! AH, WHO'S HERE? HOW WAS HE? AH, HE'S A LITTLE LAMB, IS WHAT HE IS.
MY GRANDSON OR GRAND- DAUGHTER BETTER BE AS GOOD AS THIS ONE.
HOW IS MY.
.
.
GRANDSON OR GRANDDAUGHTER? HE OR SHE IS JUST FINE.
[ Sigh of relief .]
AND SO'S THE MOTHER.
THANK YOU, JESUS.
HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
THANK MICHAEL.
FOR WHAT? FOR BEING A NAGGING, INTRUSIVE, OVERPROTEC- TIVE PEST.
WELL, HOW IN HELL DID HE EVER GET LIKE THAT? DAMNED IF I KNOW.
Gus: MAMA.
NEXT TIME YOU BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF, YOUNG LADY, OR I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE ON YOUR FU.
.
.
FUCKING TAIL.
[ Clearing of throat .]
I SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS.
TO WORK? TO REST.
FOR HOW LONG? A COUPLE OF HOURS.
I MEAN, UNTIL YOU DRIVE YOURSELF TO EXHAUSTION, OR UNTIL SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS AGAIN? Gus: [ Babbling .]
AND MAYBE NEXT TIME WE MIGHT NOT BE SO LUCKY.
I'M SORRY I PUT YOU THROUGH THIS.
I PROMISE IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
DON'T MAKE PROMISES YOU CAN'T KEEP.
I MEAN IT.
AND THE CASE? LOOKING AFTER THE WORLD, FIGHTING FOR WHAT'S RIGHT, IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF YOU.
.
.
AND GUS.
.
.
AND THIS BABY.
HEY.
HMM.
Gus: [ Babbling .]
HE'S NOT THERE.
WELL, MAYBE HE'S IN THE LOUNGE OR.
.
.
OR WALKING AROUND.
HI, NURSE? UH, WHERE'S, UH, HUNTER? THE NIGHT NURSE SAW HIM LEAVE HIS ROOM ABOUT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.
IT SEEMS HE NEVER CAME BACK.
MOO.