Everybody Hates Chris s03e11 Episode Script

CHRIS: As much as I loved growing up in Bed-Stuy, the place I loved even more was down South.
After segregation and before the 2 Live Crew, down South was good, and the weather was always beautiful.
Hey, Mom, when are we going down South again? When the Klan breaks up? I don't know, baby.
That'll be nice.
Hey, Ma.
Who's that? Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie.
You know what? She's 12, just like you.
Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.
You know what? Maybe we should plan a trip down South.
Ah, I don't like down South.
People act too country.
They're not acting.
Well, I wish I could go.
Well, Drew and Tonya, you guys get washed up.
We're about to eat.
TONYA: Hey.
DREW: Hey, Uncle Louis.
Hey.
Hey, little man.
Hey, Uncle Louis.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi? Hello? Uh-oh.
What's wrong? Ugh.
I just found out that our Uncle Morris died.
Uncle Morris? Yeah.
He taught me how to drive.
Well, who was Uncle Morris? My mother's sister's second husband.
A stick shift.
Oh, baby.
Well, when's the funeral? Next week.
Down South.
Oh.
I don't think we can go.
Baby, what do you mean, we can't go? We can't afford to go.
You can't put a price tag on family, Julius.
Yeah, but he'll give you $5 to shut up.
Louis is right.
Family is family, baby.
Family is family.
So we're going down South? Yep.
Thanks, Uncle Morris.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: Back at school, I tried to bring Greg up to speed on the new direction of the South.
Down South? You mean, like, across the Mason-Dixon Line? Yeah, you know: Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina.
Mississippi? Are you trying to get yourself killed? You going to Mississippi is like me going to, hm, I don't know, Mississippi.
Man, it's not like that anymore.
Yes, it is.
Anyway, I want to go.
Down South, the food is better, the cops don't beat the crap out of you, and nobody's on crack.
That's because everybody's on the porch.
Well, I'm sorry about your uncle, man.
I'll see you when you get back.
All right.
Before you could buy plane tickets on the Internet, the cheapest way to travel was to take Greyhound.
How's it going? Well, they've only got two buses that go to Greenville, South Carolina.
The cheaper one goes to Camden, Portsmouth, Baltimore, Richmond, Baltimore again, Raleigh, Toledo, Gastonia, Darryl Richardson's house-- What? --Boston, The Crossroads, Atlanta, then Greenville.
Well, does the other bus make less stops? Oh.
Yeah, but it costs almost $200 more.
Well, why don't we just drive? I love a road trip.
What, you going with us? ( laughs ) Well, how else am I supposed to get there, silly? You want to: ( imitates air gusting ) ~ Superman ~ ( laughs ) Blink.
Yes, master.
( both laughing ) Well, I-I just assumed you'd be flying.
I mean, you don't want to be on no bus with us.
Are you kidding? I love the bus.
Ha-ha-ha.
Man, I get to spend time with my big brother and his family, see the sights, meet new people, and best of all, sing-alongs.
Sing it with me.
~ Now I lay me down To sleep ~ ( Louis imitates electric bass ) ~ Uh, uh, uh ~ ~ Whoo! I just can't ~ BOTH: ~ Find the beat ~ ~ Flash light, light ~ ( imitating electric bass ) LOUIS: ~ Now, neon light Take the bass part ~ BOTH ( with deep voice ): ~ Neon light ~ ( laughter ) Um, uh, Julius, can you come upstairs with me for a second? He can if Uncle Louis isn't coming.
~ La, da, da ~ ( Louis continues humming ) What is wrong with you? Do you hear that? ~ Everybody's got A little light ~ ( in falsetto ): ~ Under the sun Under the sun ~ That's what's wrong with me.
Look, I'm not gonna spend 26 hours on a bus with my brother.
I love him, but he drives me nuts.
Baby, why? I mean, he's always laughing and smiling and in a good mood.
Exactly.
And while he's having fun, you know what I'm doing? Working.
Look-- Look.
I'm not trying to be unreasonable, but I just cannot take it.
Okay, okay-- Baby, look, I can't take it.
All right, I got you.
Just calm down.
I'll handle it.
After my mother convinced my Uncle Louis to fly, we headed to Port Authority, the only place in New York scarier than our neighborhood.
ROCHELLE: Okay, I want y'all to be real careful in here.
This place is full of pickpockets, pimps, and-- And-- And murderers and child molesters and thieves.
That's the Port Authority slogan.
Rochelle, don't scare 'em.
Too late.
Julius, this place is full of hustlers t-trying to prey on innocent people.
She said the same thing when we visited Washington D.
C.
ROCHELLE: So that's why I decided to divide our money between me, you, and Chris.
CHRIS: You did? Yeah.
So just in case somebody pickpockets one of us, they won't get us all.
Well, where'd you put it? ( whispers ): In your shirt pocket.
Don't look for it now! Hey, there's the gate right there.
ROCHELLE: Don't touch anything.
And don't make eye contact with strangers.
WOMAN ( on PA ): Please check the board for updates.
MAN ( on PA ): Two security guards report to Gate 4 for assistance.
Two security guards report to Gate 4 for assistance.
This pocket doesn't open.
Oh, well, I sewed the top closed, and I left it open on the side.
CHRIS: Star Jones had that done to her stomach.
Ma, I'm hungry.
Can we get a snack? Are you nuts? Have you seen the rats in this place? Let's just go home and eat there.
Same rats, different borough.
Okay, okay, we'll get something from the vending machines.
I'll go get the tickets.
All right.
Well, Chris, get these bags together, okay? We'll be right back.
Keep your eyes open.
And put the money away, boy.
Come on.
TONYA: Oh, Ma, TV seats.
Can we watch, please? ROCHELLE: Okay, we got time for one show, and then we got to go back.
Me first.
Well, let me get some change.
( playful theme playing ) Okay.
( machine clacks ) Oh, it's broken.
Well, didn't you see me about to put money in there? Yeah.
Well, why didn't you say something? Ain't that how it goes.
Ma, this TV doesn't work.
Miss, my bus is leaving for Fort Lauderdale soon.
Uh, you can have my seat then.
Thank you so much.
Ah, it's not a problem.
( laughs ) ( funky theme playing ) Cómo está, everybody? Top of the morning to you.
Top of the day.
Wherever you think you're going, tiempo para jugar.
It's time to play.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got three cards here.
You guys got courage? You know what luck is? Luck is opportunity and preparedness coming together as one.
And I'm prepared.
Are you? Three simple cards.
You tell me which one's it gonna be? Can you find the jack? It's all about this jack, and if you pick the right one out of this three cards, you can win some money right now.
Come on, sir.
I feel your intensity over there.
"Hm, I could win some money.
"I could get my wife a nice little present.
I could bring it on the bus when I see her.
" Come on.
Here we go.
What you got for me? You got to find this jack.
You ready? It's all about what you see and what you saw.
Where's the jack, sir? Uh, 10 bucks right here.
Right there, huh? Let's turn that over.
Pa-pow.
Ha-ha! All right.
Ten dollars.
This man's a winner, everybody.
This man's a winner.
And I over here am a giver.
There you go, sir.
Lucky man.
Lucky man, indeed.
We're gonna start it up and running again.
We talking about the jack, where's the jack? Come on.
Ladies first.
I'm pretty sure I saw it on the end.
What about you? You want to jump in on this? Here we go.
( all shout ) Money, money goes around.
Money, money, can it be found? Congratulations.
We gonna keep this dance going.
( chatter ) Little man, why don't you play? Nah.
I'm not allowed to gamble.
Aw, this ain't gambling.
This is easy.
You can handle this.
See these three little cards? I'll show you what it's all about, see? All you have to do is see if you can pick the right card.
Where's the right card? There.
Little man.
I'm on him.
What's up, little man? You want to put a little bit of money on that? It would've been great to take the quicker bus down South, and even though my mind said, "Don't do it," my mouth said: Twenty.
Twenty on the young man.
All right.
Why don't you turn that card over.
( all cheer ) I knew I wasn't supposed to gamble, but I was doing it for a good cause, and I was winning.
( all cheer ) MAN: Oh, man.
Shuffle the cards and where's the jack? Turn it over, little man.
Turn it over.
( all cheer ) Yeah.
All right.
You cannot lose.
There you go.
The money is being passed around, everybody.
Can you feel it? There's a jack in here.
You need to tell me, where is it? Fifty.
MAN: I'll match you.
I'm there, I'm there.
WOMAN: He has not lost.
You sure? Hundred dollars says you're wrong.
I don't have a hundred.
What you got? Eighty.
Throw it down.
( all "ooh" ) CHRIS: Eighty.
This was gonna be easy money.
Turn it over.
( others gasping ) MAN: Oh, my Lord.
( funky theme playing ) I got jacked with a deck of cards.
LOUIS: ~ Everybody's got A little light ~ ~ Under the sun Under the sun ~ ~ Under the sun ~ ( in deep voice ): ~ Oh, flash light ~ Uncle Louis? No, it's Bootsy Collins.
~ Flash light ~ Come on, man.
I don't believe-- Are you okay? Yeah.
I thought you were flying to the funeral.
Oh, yeah, but the weather was so bad that they cancelled my flight, so I decided to ride the bus with you.
( chuckles ) Excuse you.
Sheesh.
Hey, where's the big man? Oh, he's out getting the tickets.
Oh, cool.
Hey, can you go find him and tell him to get me one? Yeah, but can you watch the bags? Absolutely.
Oh, and if you see your mom, tell her I'm here.
I'll try to get the words out while she's choking me.
( sighs ) ~ Now I lay me Down to sleep ~ As hard as my father worked for his money, I couldn't tell him I got taken, so I decided to get the money back on my own, by any means necessary.
Watch your bags as you go to the bathroom.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Watch your bags-- Hey.
Come on now.
You know that's not yours.
Take a picture with a black kid.
What? Warm your gloves.
Glove warming.
( blows ) ( funky theme playing ) MAN 1: Oh, no, terrible.
WOMAN: Uh-uh.
MAN 2: Oh, this is horrible.
MAN 3: What's he doing? Can I help you? Yeah, I need five tickets.
Two adults, three children, to Greenville, South Carolina, leaving at 8:30.
That bus is delayed.
I know, but whatever time it's leaving I'm still gonna need tickets.
Where are they? Who? The children.
I can't sell you children's tickets unless I see the children.
Why not? Because what if they're adults? Lady, I am not running a scam.
I need to go to a funeral.
Sorry to hear that.
I still need to see the kids.
Ma'am, I've been waiting in line almost an hour.
And you didn't have time to go get the children.
( sighs ) Lady, I am buying bus tickets to Greenville, South Carolina.
Now that has to be the worst scam on Earth.
Now, if I am that desperate to get out of New York City, you don't want me hanging around, especially around the time you get off.
Is that a threat? Let's just say it's a scenario.
Two adults, three kids.
That's $180.
They said it was 120.
That was our Underground Railroad special.
It's been discontinued.
How much are slave-ship tickets? ( funky theme playing ) Chris.
WORKER: Get out of the way, huh? CHRIS: Hey, Dad.
Who--? Who's watching our stuff? CHRIS: Uncle Louis.
Uncle Louis is here? What did he do, get kicked off the plane for singing? No, his flight got canceled, so he wants to ride with us.
He wants you to buy him a ticket.
Buy him a ticket? I don't have enough money to buy our tickets.
How come? What happened? Forget about it.
Just give me the money your mother gave you.
Excuse me.
I'll be back in five years.
Oh, um, I don't have it.
What do you mean you don't have it? What happened to it? The best thing about having two parents is that usually one of them wants you to live.
But my father could only help me if I told the truth.
Three-card monte.
Chris, I'm gonna get that money back.
Yo, here we go.
Bang.
( all cheering ) Had your eyes on the prize.
Jacks to be found, I'm throwing the money down.
Money coming out to the players.
You wanna keep winning? Ring around the rosie.
You got to find the jack and you're gonna win the crown.
Make your money stack and find the jack.
Place your bets.
It's right there.
Are you sure? Positive.
I got 50 on it.
Oh.
Hundred dollars says that you wrong.
Are you sure that's the card? Yeah.
Come on.
Here we go.
There you go.
Take a bat.
Show me where it's at.
( all groan ) Mm-mm-mm.
Don't frown.
Don't frown.
This is the kind of experience that brings a father and son closer.
Closer to death.
The only thing my father hated more than losing money was borrowing money.
Three-card monte? Yeah, uh, we-- We thought we had the jack.
Look-- Look, I'm sorry, bro.
I just don't have that much on me right now.
Come on, man.
Uncle Morris taught you how to drive.
Stick shift.
( chuckles ) Sorry.
( playful theme playing ) The rain had fallen, but the storm was just about to hit.
Y'all acting like somebody else died.
What happened? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Everything's all right, you know.
( all clamoring ) I just want a hug from Tonya.
TONYA: Hey.
CHRIS: Yeah.
You're so funny.
Why y'all acting all suspicious? I'm not acting suspicious.
I don't know what happened.
We're cool here.
You know? You know, just having some good times.
Yeah.
Don't make me have to get it out of you.
Okay, I played three-card monte and I lost all the money that you gave me to hold.
Then I tried to win it back and I lost the rest of the money.
I-I didn't do anything.
( hisses ) Gambling? How many times do I have to tell y'all about gambling? Quick, sing "Flash Light.
" ~ Flash light ~ ( shrieks ) What are you doing here anyway? Hey, does that mean we don't have to go to the funeral? No.
We're going.
Drew, do you still know those kill moves? Yeah.
If anybody tries to touch your sister or take our bags, kill 'em.
You, you, and you, come with me.
Hey, Rochelle, maybe you should think about this.
I thought about it.
Rochelle, this guy's really good.
I don't want us to lose any more money than we already have.
He's good, huh? Yeah, he's really good.
Or maybe you just suck.
Listen, when I was little, my father taught me all these scams.
Three-card monte was his favorite.
Honey, when it comes to three-card monte, you cannot win the game.
Why not? Because I always know where the card is.
But even if they pick the right card, I just keep raising the bet till they get scared.
( laughs ) Oh, too bad.
( chuckles ) But what if I pick the wrong card? Then I let you bet everything you got.
Oh, tough break.
Oh.
( laughs ) What if I don't want to play? Nobody ever wants to play.
That's how come I got Rudy and Debra over there.
Heh-heh.
They're shills.
Shills? Well, they act like they don't know each other, so in order to get the game started, they bet first.
So him and her? Yeah.
They're the shills.
DEALER: Here we go.
Oh! Ah! What if somebody bets on the right card and doesn't get scared when you keep raising the bet? Now, honey, this is a very important lesson right here.
We run! ( laughs ) Okay, you guys, all we need is one good bet.
What are we gonna bet? We don't have any money.
You don't have any money.
Wh--? Where'd you get all that? Uh, shouldn't I be saying that? Sorry.
Where'd you get all that? It's from my emergency fund.
If my father had ever thought to say, "Quick, who's got $200? It's an emergency," she would have given it to him.
All right, you guys.
Let's go.
DEALER: You think it's right there? You think it's that right there? Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay.
Julius, you go over there.
Louis, you stay here.
If they try to run, be ready.
( crowd gasps ) Chris, you come with me.
Take my advice, don't blink twice.
Pick that jack, get your money back.
You, sir.
MAN: I saw it.
It's this one right here.
DEALER: You over there? It's that one.
Little man.
You're back.
You got some more money? No.
But I do.
Who are you? I'm his mother, and I got $50 on that card.
Well, I got a hundred that says that you're wrong.
I got 200 that says I'm right.
Turn the card over, Mother.
No, wait.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait.
Now we wanna wait.
I bet you wanna run too.
See, that's my husband over there, and that's his brother back there, so you can run, but you're not gonna get far.
You got to ask yourself one question: Is today your lucky day? Doubt it, punk.
Now, give me my damn money back.
Hurry.
And the cards too.
Give me the cards.
Just take it.
Come on, Chris.
We got back the money, but there was still one problem.
( Louis laughs ) Hey, w-where is everybody? The bus left.
What? All you had to do was watch the bags.
All I wanted was some Southern hospitality, but all I got was Northern hostility.
( all chattering ) ( humming ) Oh, y'all not hungry, right? Yes, we are.
ALL: Yeah.
Y'all hungry for this? Yeah.
ALL: Oh! Louis, this food is incredible.
Well, I figured that since we couldn't go down South, I'd make us a good Southern meal.
ROCHELLE: Nice.
Yeah, if Chris wasn't so stupid, we could have gone.
Thanks, Chris.
Well, what are we gonna do with all that money we won? We? ( laughs ): Did you hear your daddy? "We.
" We are gonna send Uncle Morris some flowers, and the rest of that money is going back into my emergency fund.
( gruffly ): "We.
" Mm-hm.
ROCHELLE: Oh, my goodness.
( all gasp ) Southern pecan pie.
You know it's my favorite, right? Want a piece? All right.
Yeah.
You can have a piece.
All you got to do is pick out the jack.
( funky theme playing ) ~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )