King of the Hill s03e11 Episode Script
To Spank, with Love
I'M GETTING SOME NICE COLOR.
( sighs ) LOOK OUT, MRS.
HILL, A SNAKE! OH, IT'S A HARMLESS BULL SNAKE.
I'D SAY HE-- OH, PARDON-- SHE IS ABOUT NINE MONTHS OLD.
YOUR MOM'S AS COOL AS MOST PEOPLE'S DADS.
IT'S LIKE THAT BOOK THEY TOOK OUT OF THE SCHOOL LIBRARY: I'VE GOT TWO DADS.
Hank: NO, YOU DON'T.
( ringing ) THIS IS HILL.
TOM LANDRY MIDDLE SCHOOL NEEDS YOU, PEGGY.
THIS JOB'S FOR AT LEAST A WEEK, MAYBE TWO.
CAN YOU SUB FOR MRS.
GONZALEZ? GONZALEZ? WELL, THAT'S SPANISH, ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS-- YOUR BEST SUBJECT.
YOU'LL BE FINE.
JUST FINE.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME.
DANG IT, PEGGY, I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
DIGAME.
I I JUST CAN' BUT ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED SUBJEC HASN'T IT BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOUR LAST SURPRISE IN-CLASS EVALUATION? WELL, YES, IT HAS, BUT TELL ME WHAT YOU OHH.
MRS.
HILL, I'M MS.
AYRES.
I'M HERE TO EVALUATE YOU.
REALLY.
OH, I HAD NO IDEA.
MY GOODNESS, AN EVALUATION.
WELL THAT IMAGINE.
A SUBSTITUTE.
ATTACK.
HI, MRS.
HILL.
BUENAS DIAS, CONSUELA.
I HAVE ALWAYS ENJOYED A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY STUDENTS.
( forced chuckle ) IN FACT, ONE OF THEM REMINDED ME YESTERDAY THAT I WAS HONORED AS SUBSTITUTE TEACHER OF THE YEAR 1996 THROUGH 1997 INCLUSIVE.
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
SO MANY SUBS GET BULLIED BY THEIR STUDENTS.
WELL, A BULLY IS JUST SOMEONE WHO VICTIMIZES OTHERS TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL IMPORTANT.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT THAT SLOWLY? OH, NO, I'M JUST PENALIZING YOU FOR STARTING CLASS LATE.
YOU WERE SAYING? HOLA.
ME LLAMO SENORA ( trilling tongue): MARGARITA HILL.
COMO TE LLAMAS? ME LLAMO JOSEPH GRIBBLE.
OH, BUENO, JOSE GRIBBLE.
( students laughing ) Y TU? COMO TE LLAMAS? ( sighs ) ME LLAMO CLARK PETERS.
MUCHOS GUSTOS, CARLOS PEDROS.
( laughing ) AY, MARGARITA.
( students laughing ) VAMOS APPRENDER LOS PARTES DEL CUERPO HUMANO.
POR EJEMPLO.
ESTE ES MI MANO.
SI.
MUY DIVERTIDO.
NO MAS, OKAY? OKAY.
BUENO, ESTE ES MI CABEZA.
( sighs ) QUIEN ESTA TERANDO LOS DARTS DE NERF? ESTA DOOLEY, SENORA HILL.
Peggy: SENOR DOOLEY, VENGA.
YOU'RE DEAD.
EN ESPANOL, POR FAVOR.
TU ERES MUERTO.
MUY BIEN.
SENOR DOOLEY ESTA MI ASSISTANTE ESPECIAL.
BUENO.
ESTE ES MI CABEZA.
( students laughing ) ESTE ES MI PELO.
( laughter continues ) MI PELO ES CASTANO.
STOP IT! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND JUST STOP IT.
EN ESPANOL, POR FAVOR.
CLASE! ATENCION! ATENCION! CLASE, PLEASE! ( laughter continues ) "NEEDS IMPROVEMENT"? I HAVE NEVER NEEDED TO IMPROVE ON ANYTHING IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
THIS WILL BE IN MY PERSONNEL FILE FOREVER.
RELAX, PEGGY.
EVERYONE HAS A BAD DAY.
I REMEMBER BACK WHEN I FIRST STARTED AT STRICKLAND PROPANE THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO HAD A BAD DAY.
UH, SEE? I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT FELLA'S NAME NOW.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
SIT DOWN.
ANDALE.
THAT'S ODD.
I CAN'T SEEM TO GET THIS TO WORK.
IT'S ( laughter ) OKAY.
WE DON'T HAVE A LOT TIME FOR MONKEY BUSINESS.
SO I THINK WE'LL SKIP ATTENDANCE TODAY AND FINISH UP OUR VOCABULAR LESSON.
( laughter ) I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO.
I AM A VERY FUN TEACHER, BUT I WILL NOT BE BULLIED.
GIVE ME YOUR WATCHES.
COME ON.
GIVE THEM TO ME.
I AM NOT JOKING, YOU TWO.
( gasps ) I PULLED YOUR PANTS DOWN.
OH, YEAH! ( gasps ) HOLY CRAP.
18 YEARS, 18 YEARS OF TEACHING THROWN OUT THE WINDOW WITH ONE FLICK OF THE WRIST.
DON'T PANIC, PEGGY.
THERE'S LOTS YOU CAN DO.
I COULD DESIGN SOFTWARE.
PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT.
I COULD OPEN UP A PAINT-YOUR-OWN-POTTERY STORE.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY GET FOR THAT CRAP? SLOW DOWN, PEGGY.
THEY WON'T FIRE YOU.
YOU'RE A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.
THEY'LL JUST STOP CALLING.
BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, EITHER.
( gasps ) MAYBE IT SHOULD.
I HIT AN INNOCENT CHILD.
I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T HURT HIM.
I SHOULD KNOW.
I GOT SPANKED PLENTY IN SCHOOL.
REALLY? WELL, YOU TURNED OUT JUST FINE.
BETTER THAN FINE, AND BACK THEN THEY EVEN USED A PADDLE CALLED "OLD SPANKY.
" IT WAS A PIECE OF HICKORY ABOUT YEA BIG AND IT HAD HOLES DRILLED IN I TO CUT DOWN ON WIND RESISTANCE AND A LITTLE PINE TAR ON THE HANDLE FOR A NO-SLIP GRIP.
UGH.
GOOD OLD SPANKY.
( weak chuckle ) MOM, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? BOBBY, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY.
I'M SO I JUST DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
DOOLEY PANTS'D YOU.
THAT'S WHAT HE DOES, AND, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU PULL UP YOUR PANTS AND MOVE ON.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, NO WONDER YOU BOMBED ON YOUR EVALUATION.
I NEVER EVEN SPANK OUR DOG NOT THAT YOUR SON IS WORSE THAN OUR DOG BECAUSE HE'S NOT, AND WE HAVE A VERY, VERY GOOD DOG SO THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES FOR YOUR SON.
MRS.
HILL, PLEASE, WE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
I'M SURE STUART DESERVED IT.
WE KNOW WHAT A HANDFUL HE CAN BE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU DID GOOD.
HMM.
LET'S SEE.
TEACHER'S STATEMENT RESPONSE FROM THE PARENTS OKAY.
LOOKS LIKE ALL OUR DUCKS ARE IN A ROW.
PEGGY, YOU'RE FIRED.
BUT BUT THE DOOLEYS FORGAVE ME.
HMM.
LET'S SEE.
UH, THERE'S NOTHING HERE ABOUT FORGIVENESS.
THERE ARE PROCEDURES FOR ADMINISTERING LEGAL SPANKINGS WHICH YOU VIOLATED AT EVERY TURN AND THERE ARE PROCEDURES FOR TERMINATING A TEACHER WHICH I FOLLOWED TO A "T.
" EMILY? I'M REQUIRED TO HAVE A HALL MONITOR ESCORT YOU OFF CAMPUS.
IT'S OVER, MRS.
HILL.
( Peggy sobbing ) I'M SORRY, LADIES.
LOOKS LIKE THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A THREE-PEAT.
OH, HANK WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WELL, UH, I GOT YOU A BOOK ON DESIGNING SOFTWARE.
( sobbing ) ( sighs ) WELL, YOU HAD IT ALL, PEGGY HILL.
HEY, THERE, HANK'S WIFE.
WHAT YOU CRYING FOR? GOT YOUR MONTHLIES? COTTON, I AM IN NO MOOD.
WHY ARE YOU HERE? V.
F.
W.
MEETING AND PANCAKE SUPPER.
SO I NEED YOU TO WHIP ME UP SOME PANCAKES-- A COUPLE OF HUNDRED WILL DO-- AND AS MUCH SYRUP AS YOU GOT.
FINE.
I WILL GO MAKE YOU 200 PANCAKES.
( sobbing ) AH.
( sobbing continues ) ( groans ) HOW'S BOBBY? HE'S JUST FINE BUT MY INFORMATION ABOUT BOBBY IS A LITTLE DATED.
HE HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME SINCE I GOT FIRED FOR SPANKING A STUDENT.
WHAT'D YOU DO, KILL HIM? NO.
AIN'T NO LAW AGAINST SPANKING.
TELL YOU WHAT.
I GOT A FRIEND OVER TO THE V.
F.
W.
USED TO PRINCIPAL AT HANK'S SCHOOL.
HE'LL HAVE YOU BACK SPANKING IN NO TIME.
OH, WELL, I JUST WANT MY JOB BACK.
I'M NOT GOING TO SPANK AGAIN.
SHUT UP BEFORE YOU TALK ME OUT OF IT.
IN MY 35 YEARS AT TOM LANDRY MIDDLE SCHOOL I SPANKED THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS SHAPING THEIR CHARACTER AND PREPARING THEM TO DIE IN WARS OVERSEAS.
ACTUALLY, I ONLY SPANKED ONCE.
HELL, SHE'S JUST BEING MODEST.
SHE'S THE FIRST TEACHER SINCE THEY KILLED L.
B.
J.
TO STAND UP TO THOSE DRAFT DODGERS.
ALL RIGHT, PEGGY, WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU BACK IN THAT CLASSROOM.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
YEAH.
STEP ONE: YOU GOT TO MEET THE SCHOOL BOARD.
OLD SPANKY.
( men laughing ) GO ON.
TAKE IT.
IT'S YOURS.
I GOT NOBODY TO HIT ANYMORE.
THANKS FOR THIS TERRIFIC SYMBOL AND FOR HELPING ME GET MY JOB BACK.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LET'S HEAR IT FOR PADDLIN' PEGGY! ( cheering ) Man: TAKE OFF YOUR TOP! Man 2: SHUT UP, WENDELL! THAT'S TOMORROW NIGHT.
HI, GUYS.
HANK, I JUST HAD THE MOST INSPIRING AFTERNOON WITH COTTON AND HIS ARMY BUDDIES.
THEY'RE GOING TO CIRCULATE A PETITION TO HELP ME GET MY JOB BACK.
I EVEN HAVE THE SUPPORT OF YOUR OLD PRINCIPAL JETER TURBEVILLE.
JETER THE BEATER? OH, GOD, WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR ARM? OLD SPANKY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY EVER USED SOMETHING LIKE THIS? ( chuckling ) SPANKING WAS WRONG THEN AND IT'S WRONG NOW.
I SAY SPARE THE ROD AND SPO THE CHILD.
DALE, SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD MEANS YOU'RE IN FAVOR OF SPANKING.
I DON'T THINK SO.
MAN, I TELL YOU WHAT.
BRING BACK THOSE BAD MEMORIES.
TALKING 'BOUT OL' JETER THE BEATER.
WHACK.
MAN, OL' TIME, THEM PILLOWS, MAN.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
MY DADDY SPANKED ME EVERY DAY FROM WHEN I WAS NINE TILL I WAS 16 AND I TURNED OUT OKAY.
BASTARD.
PEGGY.
UH WE SURE DO MISS YOU AT LANDRY.
THANKS.
I'M NOT A SPANKER, OKAY? BUT IF YOU CAN BRING DISCIPLINE BACK INTO OUR SCHOOL THEN I AM BEHIND YOU 100%.
I WISH I HAD THE GUTS YOU DO, SISTER.
I'M NO HERO.
STUART DOOLEY JUST CAUGHT ME ON A BAD DAY.
DON'T BE MODEST.
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US TEACHERS AND THAT'S WHY WE SIGNED THAT PETITION IN SUPPORT OF PADDLIN' PEGGY.
OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST THOSE VETS BEING SILLY.
HERE.
HAVE A BUTTON.
THE SCHOOL BOARD VOTE ON REINSTATING MRS.
PEGGY HILL PASSES.
( cheering ) ALL RIGHT, PADDLIN' PEGGY.
WALK TALL, SISTER.
WE DID IT, HANK'S WIFE.
PARTY AT MY HOUSE.
PANCAKES FOR EVERYONE.
( cheering ) Man: TAKE OFF YOUR TOP! WELL, I'M OFF TO WORK, MRS.
HILL.
ME, TOO, MR.
HILL.
UH, MRS.
HILL WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THE PADDLE? OH, I HAVE TO.
PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING IT.
BESIDES, YOUR FATHER WORKED VERY HARD TO PUT PADDLIN' PEGGY BACK IN THE CLASSROOM.
SEE, THAT'S THE THING MY DAD THINKS YOU'RE GOING TO USE IT.
OH, HANK, DON'T BE SILLY, HONEY.
IT'S JUST A BLUFF.
I AM GOING TO SCARE MY STUDENTS EXACTLY THE WAY PRESIDENT REAGAN SCARED HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF RUSSIANS WITH HIS STAR WARS DEATH BEAM.
I MISS VOTING FOR THAT MAN.
LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY.
I WILL NEVER EVER SPANK ANOTHER STUDENT LIKE THAT AGAIN BECAUSE NOW I HAVE THIS.
( all gasping ) BUT, OF COURSE, IT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY TO USE THIS BECAUSE, WELL, NOW YOU ALL KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME.
( chuckles ) SO, WHY DON'T WE JUST START ALL OVER.
YO SOY PADDLIN' PEGGY HILL.
MM-HMM.
EL CAPITAL DE URUGUAY ES MONTEVIDEO.
DO YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO USE THAT PADDLE? I DON'T KNOW BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT EXCUSE ME.
SHOULD YOU BE TALKING WHILE I AM TALKING? PADDLIN' PEGGY SAYS, UH OH, PADDLIN' PEGGY SAYS UH-UH-UH.
YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MOM.
THIS WHOLE PADDLIN' PEGGY SHTICK IS REALLY CREEPY.
JOSEPH WON'T EVEN COME OVER TO PLAY ANYMORE 'CAUSE HE SAYS HE'S HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT STUPID PADDLE.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? MY SON IS DREAMING ABOUT GETTING SPANKED BY YOUR WIFE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT SO UNUSUAL.
YOU GOT TO GET YOUR WOMAN IN LINE.
UH, PEGGY'S KIND OF HARD TO TALK TO LATELY.
WELL, SHE'S FEELING POWERFUL NOW SO HER BODY IS PRODUCING EXTRA AMOUNTS OF TESTOSTERONE.
I BET IF PEGGY WANTED TO, SHE COULD GROW A MUSTACHE.
'COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'D WANT TO.
GUESS WHO WON BEST FRENCH MANICURE AT THE BEAUTY ACADEMY TODAY? DAD, CAN I GO RIDE BIKES WITH JOSEPH? I THOUGHT WE'D WATCH SHARK WEEK ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
MICHAEL PALIN IS HOSTING.
I DON'T WANT TO.
BUT, HONEY, YOU LOVE MICHAEL PALIN.
ARE YOU COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING? LET ME FEEL YOUR FOREHEAD.
I DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOUR STUPID SHOW, OKAY? BOBBY! WELL, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? PROBABLY NOTHING OR, UH UH, IT COULD BE YOU AND, UH YOUR WHUPPING STICK.
IT'S A PADDLE, AND HE HAS A NAME-- "OLD SPANKY.
" HANK, DO I TELL YOU HOW TO SELL PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES? DID I CRITICIZE YOU FOR YOUR BIG "SPATULA TUESDAY" FIASCO? NO, I DID NO BECAUSE I RESPECT YOU AS A PROFESSIONAL AND THAT IS ALL I WANT, HANK, JUST A LITTLE RESPEC BUT I GUESS THAT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR FROM YOU AND BOBBY.
ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS SHARONA JOHNSON.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
SHE WORKS REALLY HARD.
HANK, CHANNEL 84 WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ON PADDLIN' PEGGY.
WHERE IS OLD SPANKY? MAYBE YOU LEFT IT AT WORK.
NO, NO.
I KNOW I HAD IT WITH ME ON THE DRIVE HOME.
I REMEMBER BRANDISHING I AT THIS IDIOT WHO ALMOST CUT ME OFF.
OH, I'VE GOT TO RETRACE MY STEPS HOME.
OKAY.
I'M DRIVING HOME BRANDISH, BRANDISH, BRANDISH OH, GOD! I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT ON THE STREET! STOP, PEGGY! WOULD YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF? ( sighs ) SPANKY! JOSEPH GRIBBLE, DID YOU PUT THIS HERE? NO.
UH, JOSEPH, YOU ARE TALKING TO PADDLIN' PEGGY HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? ( screams ) YOUR SON STOLE MY PADDLIN' PEGGY PADDLE.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT STANDS BETWEEN THE ARLEN SCHOOL SYSTEM AND COMPLETE CHAOS.
APOLOGIZE, YOU! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
I AM NOT ALL TALK, YOU KNOW? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE, SO YOU CHOSE YOUR FATE.
SOMEBODY STOP HER! PEGGY, NO! I SAID I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, MOM.
HE WAS WITH ME ALL DAY.
WELL, SOMEBODY TOOK IT.
IT WAS BILL.
NO, IT WASN'T.
ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS ME.
I TOOK IT.
SOMEBODY HAD TO STOP YOU.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
OH, MY! IT'S OKAY, SON.
DADDY'S HERE.
YOU BIG BULLY.
OH, HANK, WHAT WAS I THINKING? THE IMPORTANT THING IS YOUR SPANKING DAYS ARE OVER, RIGHT? WELL, SO ARE MY TEACHING DAYS.
AT LEAST, UNTIL THE DAY THEY MAKES PANTS THAT CANNOT BE PULLED DOWN BY SOMEONE OTHER THAN THE WEARER.
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE SCARED.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A LITTLE SPEECH I'VE BEEN SAVING FOR THE DAY BOBBY GETS BEAT UP BY A BULLY BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
HIM AND HIS DARN PROP COMEDY.
EVERY TIME THE BOY GETS INTO A JAM, HE SHOVES FRENCH FRIES UP HIS NOSE AND MAKES A NEW FRIEND.
ANYWAY, I THINK MY SPEECH MIGHT APPLY HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT? OH, HANK, NO.
YOU KNOW, SOMEWHERE INSIDE ME IS THE OLD PEGGY HILL-- THE ONE WHO TAUGHT CHILDREN WITHOUT SCARING THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF THEM.
I JUST NEED TO FIND HER AGAIN.
AND THEN SHE FREAKED OU AND SHE DROPPED THE PADDLE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ALLEY.
WITHOUT THAT PADDLE SHE LOOKED JUST LIKE BOBBY'S MOM.
( bell ringing ) THAT'S THE BELL.
BUENOS DIAS, CLASE.
SENOR DOOLEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUSPENDED? I THOUGHT YOU WERE FIRED.
( class laughing ) OH, BYGONES ARE BYGONES, SO, WELCOME BACK.
WELL, I THOUGHT WE MIGHT TALK ABOUT A SPECIAL PART OF SPANISH HISTORY ( class laughing ) YOUR FEET ARE BIG.
( laughing continues ) PADDLIN' PEGGY, WHO DON'T YOU SPANK THEM? YEAH, PADDLIN' PEGGY.
FINE.
ALL YOU CHILDREN ARE INTERESTED IN IS PUNISHMEN SO I WILL TEACH YOU ABOUT PUNISHMENT.
WITH THIS! ( all gasping ) YES! YES! OH, YEAH! ( gasping ) SPAIN, 1478.
THE WEAPON OF CHOICE-- THE MACE.
IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BEGUN WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS A NUMBER OF VERY NICE, INNOCENT PEOPLE WERE BRUTALLY PUNISHED AND WITHOUT A DOUB THE WORST THING ABOUT THE SPANISH INQUISITION WAS THAT NOBODY EVER SAID THEY WERE SORRY.
HOW WERE THEY PUNISHED? OH, ALL KINDS OF AWFUL WAYS.
LIKE WHAT? WELL, SOMETIMES THEY WOULD STRIKE YOU WITH ONE OF THESE.
SOMETIMES THEY WOULD MAKE YOU LIE ON A BED OF SPIKES AND THEN POUR BOILING OIL ON YOU.
OOH! MM-HMM, AND SOMETIMES, THEY WOULD TIE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS TO FOUR DIFFERENT HORSES AND TEAR YOU APART.
( class gasping ) COOL.
WHY, I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING WATCHED.
JOSEPH? JO-SEPH? WHAT? Dale: CAREFUL, JOSEPH.
I'M JUST HERE TO PLAY WITH BOBBY.
I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.
I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP PREPARING THE SOIL.
WHY DON'T YOU SPREAD THE MULCH? WHAT'S IT MADE OUT OF? PADDLE.
AND GOAT MANURE.
TU ERES MUERTO.
( sighs ) LOOK OUT, MRS.
HILL, A SNAKE! OH, IT'S A HARMLESS BULL SNAKE.
I'D SAY HE-- OH, PARDON-- SHE IS ABOUT NINE MONTHS OLD.
YOUR MOM'S AS COOL AS MOST PEOPLE'S DADS.
IT'S LIKE THAT BOOK THEY TOOK OUT OF THE SCHOOL LIBRARY: I'VE GOT TWO DADS.
Hank: NO, YOU DON'T.
( ringing ) THIS IS HILL.
TOM LANDRY MIDDLE SCHOOL NEEDS YOU, PEGGY.
THIS JOB'S FOR AT LEAST A WEEK, MAYBE TWO.
CAN YOU SUB FOR MRS.
GONZALEZ? GONZALEZ? WELL, THAT'S SPANISH, ISN'T IT? YES, IT IS-- YOUR BEST SUBJECT.
YOU'LL BE FINE.
JUST FINE.
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME.
DANG IT, PEGGY, I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
DIGAME.
I I JUST CAN' BUT ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED SUBJEC HASN'T IT BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOUR LAST SURPRISE IN-CLASS EVALUATION? WELL, YES, IT HAS, BUT TELL ME WHAT YOU OHH.
MRS.
HILL, I'M MS.
AYRES.
I'M HERE TO EVALUATE YOU.
REALLY.
OH, I HAD NO IDEA.
MY GOODNESS, AN EVALUATION.
WELL THAT IMAGINE.
A SUBSTITUTE.
ATTACK.
HI, MRS.
HILL.
BUENAS DIAS, CONSUELA.
I HAVE ALWAYS ENJOYED A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY STUDENTS.
( forced chuckle ) IN FACT, ONE OF THEM REMINDED ME YESTERDAY THAT I WAS HONORED AS SUBSTITUTE TEACHER OF THE YEAR 1996 THROUGH 1997 INCLUSIVE.
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
SO MANY SUBS GET BULLIED BY THEIR STUDENTS.
WELL, A BULLY IS JUST SOMEONE WHO VICTIMIZES OTHERS TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL IMPORTANT.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPEAT THAT SLOWLY? OH, NO, I'M JUST PENALIZING YOU FOR STARTING CLASS LATE.
YOU WERE SAYING? HOLA.
ME LLAMO SENORA ( trilling tongue): MARGARITA HILL.
COMO TE LLAMAS? ME LLAMO JOSEPH GRIBBLE.
OH, BUENO, JOSE GRIBBLE.
( students laughing ) Y TU? COMO TE LLAMAS? ( sighs ) ME LLAMO CLARK PETERS.
MUCHOS GUSTOS, CARLOS PEDROS.
( laughing ) AY, MARGARITA.
( students laughing ) VAMOS APPRENDER LOS PARTES DEL CUERPO HUMANO.
POR EJEMPLO.
ESTE ES MI MANO.
SI.
MUY DIVERTIDO.
NO MAS, OKAY? OKAY.
BUENO, ESTE ES MI CABEZA.
( sighs ) QUIEN ESTA TERANDO LOS DARTS DE NERF? ESTA DOOLEY, SENORA HILL.
Peggy: SENOR DOOLEY, VENGA.
YOU'RE DEAD.
EN ESPANOL, POR FAVOR.
TU ERES MUERTO.
MUY BIEN.
SENOR DOOLEY ESTA MI ASSISTANTE ESPECIAL.
BUENO.
ESTE ES MI CABEZA.
( students laughing ) ESTE ES MI PELO.
( laughter continues ) MI PELO ES CASTANO.
STOP IT! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND JUST STOP IT.
EN ESPANOL, POR FAVOR.
CLASE! ATENCION! ATENCION! CLASE, PLEASE! ( laughter continues ) "NEEDS IMPROVEMENT"? I HAVE NEVER NEEDED TO IMPROVE ON ANYTHING IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
THIS WILL BE IN MY PERSONNEL FILE FOREVER.
RELAX, PEGGY.
EVERYONE HAS A BAD DAY.
I REMEMBER BACK WHEN I FIRST STARTED AT STRICKLAND PROPANE THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO HAD A BAD DAY.
UH, SEE? I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT FELLA'S NAME NOW.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
SIT DOWN.
ANDALE.
THAT'S ODD.
I CAN'T SEEM TO GET THIS TO WORK.
IT'S ( laughter ) OKAY.
WE DON'T HAVE A LOT TIME FOR MONKEY BUSINESS.
SO I THINK WE'LL SKIP ATTENDANCE TODAY AND FINISH UP OUR VOCABULAR LESSON.
( laughter ) I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO.
I AM A VERY FUN TEACHER, BUT I WILL NOT BE BULLIED.
GIVE ME YOUR WATCHES.
COME ON.
GIVE THEM TO ME.
I AM NOT JOKING, YOU TWO.
( gasps ) I PULLED YOUR PANTS DOWN.
OH, YEAH! ( gasps ) HOLY CRAP.
18 YEARS, 18 YEARS OF TEACHING THROWN OUT THE WINDOW WITH ONE FLICK OF THE WRIST.
DON'T PANIC, PEGGY.
THERE'S LOTS YOU CAN DO.
I COULD DESIGN SOFTWARE.
PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT.
I COULD OPEN UP A PAINT-YOUR-OWN-POTTERY STORE.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY GET FOR THAT CRAP? SLOW DOWN, PEGGY.
THEY WON'T FIRE YOU.
YOU'RE A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER.
THEY'LL JUST STOP CALLING.
BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, EITHER.
( gasps ) MAYBE IT SHOULD.
I HIT AN INNOCENT CHILD.
I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T HURT HIM.
I SHOULD KNOW.
I GOT SPANKED PLENTY IN SCHOOL.
REALLY? WELL, YOU TURNED OUT JUST FINE.
BETTER THAN FINE, AND BACK THEN THEY EVEN USED A PADDLE CALLED "OLD SPANKY.
" IT WAS A PIECE OF HICKORY ABOUT YEA BIG AND IT HAD HOLES DRILLED IN I TO CUT DOWN ON WIND RESISTANCE AND A LITTLE PINE TAR ON THE HANDLE FOR A NO-SLIP GRIP.
UGH.
GOOD OLD SPANKY.
( weak chuckle ) MOM, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? BOBBY, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY.
I'M SO I JUST DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
DOOLEY PANTS'D YOU.
THAT'S WHAT HE DOES, AND, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU PULL UP YOUR PANTS AND MOVE ON.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, NO WONDER YOU BOMBED ON YOUR EVALUATION.
I NEVER EVEN SPANK OUR DOG NOT THAT YOUR SON IS WORSE THAN OUR DOG BECAUSE HE'S NOT, AND WE HAVE A VERY, VERY GOOD DOG SO THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES FOR YOUR SON.
MRS.
HILL, PLEASE, WE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO YOU.
I'M SURE STUART DESERVED IT.
WE KNOW WHAT A HANDFUL HE CAN BE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU DID GOOD.
HMM.
LET'S SEE.
TEACHER'S STATEMENT RESPONSE FROM THE PARENTS OKAY.
LOOKS LIKE ALL OUR DUCKS ARE IN A ROW.
PEGGY, YOU'RE FIRED.
BUT BUT THE DOOLEYS FORGAVE ME.
HMM.
LET'S SEE.
UH, THERE'S NOTHING HERE ABOUT FORGIVENESS.
THERE ARE PROCEDURES FOR ADMINISTERING LEGAL SPANKINGS WHICH YOU VIOLATED AT EVERY TURN AND THERE ARE PROCEDURES FOR TERMINATING A TEACHER WHICH I FOLLOWED TO A "T.
" EMILY? I'M REQUIRED TO HAVE A HALL MONITOR ESCORT YOU OFF CAMPUS.
IT'S OVER, MRS.
HILL.
( Peggy sobbing ) I'M SORRY, LADIES.
LOOKS LIKE THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A THREE-PEAT.
OH, HANK WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WELL, UH, I GOT YOU A BOOK ON DESIGNING SOFTWARE.
( sobbing ) ( sighs ) WELL, YOU HAD IT ALL, PEGGY HILL.
HEY, THERE, HANK'S WIFE.
WHAT YOU CRYING FOR? GOT YOUR MONTHLIES? COTTON, I AM IN NO MOOD.
WHY ARE YOU HERE? V.
F.
W.
MEETING AND PANCAKE SUPPER.
SO I NEED YOU TO WHIP ME UP SOME PANCAKES-- A COUPLE OF HUNDRED WILL DO-- AND AS MUCH SYRUP AS YOU GOT.
FINE.
I WILL GO MAKE YOU 200 PANCAKES.
( sobbing ) AH.
( sobbing continues ) ( groans ) HOW'S BOBBY? HE'S JUST FINE BUT MY INFORMATION ABOUT BOBBY IS A LITTLE DATED.
HE HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME SINCE I GOT FIRED FOR SPANKING A STUDENT.
WHAT'D YOU DO, KILL HIM? NO.
AIN'T NO LAW AGAINST SPANKING.
TELL YOU WHAT.
I GOT A FRIEND OVER TO THE V.
F.
W.
USED TO PRINCIPAL AT HANK'S SCHOOL.
HE'LL HAVE YOU BACK SPANKING IN NO TIME.
OH, WELL, I JUST WANT MY JOB BACK.
I'M NOT GOING TO SPANK AGAIN.
SHUT UP BEFORE YOU TALK ME OUT OF IT.
IN MY 35 YEARS AT TOM LANDRY MIDDLE SCHOOL I SPANKED THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS SHAPING THEIR CHARACTER AND PREPARING THEM TO DIE IN WARS OVERSEAS.
ACTUALLY, I ONLY SPANKED ONCE.
HELL, SHE'S JUST BEING MODEST.
SHE'S THE FIRST TEACHER SINCE THEY KILLED L.
B.
J.
TO STAND UP TO THOSE DRAFT DODGERS.
ALL RIGHT, PEGGY, WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU BACK IN THAT CLASSROOM.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
YEAH.
STEP ONE: YOU GOT TO MEET THE SCHOOL BOARD.
OLD SPANKY.
( men laughing ) GO ON.
TAKE IT.
IT'S YOURS.
I GOT NOBODY TO HIT ANYMORE.
THANKS FOR THIS TERRIFIC SYMBOL AND FOR HELPING ME GET MY JOB BACK.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LET'S HEAR IT FOR PADDLIN' PEGGY! ( cheering ) Man: TAKE OFF YOUR TOP! Man 2: SHUT UP, WENDELL! THAT'S TOMORROW NIGHT.
HI, GUYS.
HANK, I JUST HAD THE MOST INSPIRING AFTERNOON WITH COTTON AND HIS ARMY BUDDIES.
THEY'RE GOING TO CIRCULATE A PETITION TO HELP ME GET MY JOB BACK.
I EVEN HAVE THE SUPPORT OF YOUR OLD PRINCIPAL JETER TURBEVILLE.
JETER THE BEATER? OH, GOD, WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR ARM? OLD SPANKY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY EVER USED SOMETHING LIKE THIS? ( chuckling ) SPANKING WAS WRONG THEN AND IT'S WRONG NOW.
I SAY SPARE THE ROD AND SPO THE CHILD.
DALE, SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD MEANS YOU'RE IN FAVOR OF SPANKING.
I DON'T THINK SO.
MAN, I TELL YOU WHAT.
BRING BACK THOSE BAD MEMORIES.
TALKING 'BOUT OL' JETER THE BEATER.
WHACK.
MAN, OL' TIME, THEM PILLOWS, MAN.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
MY DADDY SPANKED ME EVERY DAY FROM WHEN I WAS NINE TILL I WAS 16 AND I TURNED OUT OKAY.
BASTARD.
PEGGY.
UH WE SURE DO MISS YOU AT LANDRY.
THANKS.
I'M NOT A SPANKER, OKAY? BUT IF YOU CAN BRING DISCIPLINE BACK INTO OUR SCHOOL THEN I AM BEHIND YOU 100%.
I WISH I HAD THE GUTS YOU DO, SISTER.
I'M NO HERO.
STUART DOOLEY JUST CAUGHT ME ON A BAD DAY.
DON'T BE MODEST.
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US TEACHERS AND THAT'S WHY WE SIGNED THAT PETITION IN SUPPORT OF PADDLIN' PEGGY.
OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST THOSE VETS BEING SILLY.
HERE.
HAVE A BUTTON.
THE SCHOOL BOARD VOTE ON REINSTATING MRS.
PEGGY HILL PASSES.
( cheering ) ALL RIGHT, PADDLIN' PEGGY.
WALK TALL, SISTER.
WE DID IT, HANK'S WIFE.
PARTY AT MY HOUSE.
PANCAKES FOR EVERYONE.
( cheering ) Man: TAKE OFF YOUR TOP! WELL, I'M OFF TO WORK, MRS.
HILL.
ME, TOO, MR.
HILL.
UH, MRS.
HILL WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THE PADDLE? OH, I HAVE TO.
PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING IT.
BESIDES, YOUR FATHER WORKED VERY HARD TO PUT PADDLIN' PEGGY BACK IN THE CLASSROOM.
SEE, THAT'S THE THING MY DAD THINKS YOU'RE GOING TO USE IT.
OH, HANK, DON'T BE SILLY, HONEY.
IT'S JUST A BLUFF.
I AM GOING TO SCARE MY STUDENTS EXACTLY THE WAY PRESIDENT REAGAN SCARED HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF RUSSIANS WITH HIS STAR WARS DEATH BEAM.
I MISS VOTING FOR THAT MAN.
LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY.
I WILL NEVER EVER SPANK ANOTHER STUDENT LIKE THAT AGAIN BECAUSE NOW I HAVE THIS.
( all gasping ) BUT, OF COURSE, IT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY TO USE THIS BECAUSE, WELL, NOW YOU ALL KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME.
( chuckles ) SO, WHY DON'T WE JUST START ALL OVER.
YO SOY PADDLIN' PEGGY HILL.
MM-HMM.
EL CAPITAL DE URUGUAY ES MONTEVIDEO.
DO YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO USE THAT PADDLE? I DON'T KNOW BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT EXCUSE ME.
SHOULD YOU BE TALKING WHILE I AM TALKING? PADDLIN' PEGGY SAYS, UH OH, PADDLIN' PEGGY SAYS UH-UH-UH.
YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MOM.
THIS WHOLE PADDLIN' PEGGY SHTICK IS REALLY CREEPY.
JOSEPH WON'T EVEN COME OVER TO PLAY ANYMORE 'CAUSE HE SAYS HE'S HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT STUPID PADDLE.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? MY SON IS DREAMING ABOUT GETTING SPANKED BY YOUR WIFE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT SO UNUSUAL.
YOU GOT TO GET YOUR WOMAN IN LINE.
UH, PEGGY'S KIND OF HARD TO TALK TO LATELY.
WELL, SHE'S FEELING POWERFUL NOW SO HER BODY IS PRODUCING EXTRA AMOUNTS OF TESTOSTERONE.
I BET IF PEGGY WANTED TO, SHE COULD GROW A MUSTACHE.
'COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'D WANT TO.
GUESS WHO WON BEST FRENCH MANICURE AT THE BEAUTY ACADEMY TODAY? DAD, CAN I GO RIDE BIKES WITH JOSEPH? I THOUGHT WE'D WATCH SHARK WEEK ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
MICHAEL PALIN IS HOSTING.
I DON'T WANT TO.
BUT, HONEY, YOU LOVE MICHAEL PALIN.
ARE YOU COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING? LET ME FEEL YOUR FOREHEAD.
I DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOUR STUPID SHOW, OKAY? BOBBY! WELL, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? PROBABLY NOTHING OR, UH UH, IT COULD BE YOU AND, UH YOUR WHUPPING STICK.
IT'S A PADDLE, AND HE HAS A NAME-- "OLD SPANKY.
" HANK, DO I TELL YOU HOW TO SELL PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES? DID I CRITICIZE YOU FOR YOUR BIG "SPATULA TUESDAY" FIASCO? NO, I DID NO BECAUSE I RESPECT YOU AS A PROFESSIONAL AND THAT IS ALL I WANT, HANK, JUST A LITTLE RESPEC BUT I GUESS THAT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR FROM YOU AND BOBBY.
ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS SHARONA JOHNSON.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
SHE WORKS REALLY HARD.
HANK, CHANNEL 84 WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ON PADDLIN' PEGGY.
WHERE IS OLD SPANKY? MAYBE YOU LEFT IT AT WORK.
NO, NO.
I KNOW I HAD IT WITH ME ON THE DRIVE HOME.
I REMEMBER BRANDISHING I AT THIS IDIOT WHO ALMOST CUT ME OFF.
OH, I'VE GOT TO RETRACE MY STEPS HOME.
OKAY.
I'M DRIVING HOME BRANDISH, BRANDISH, BRANDISH OH, GOD! I MUST HAVE DROPPED IT ON THE STREET! STOP, PEGGY! WOULD YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF? ( sighs ) SPANKY! JOSEPH GRIBBLE, DID YOU PUT THIS HERE? NO.
UH, JOSEPH, YOU ARE TALKING TO PADDLIN' PEGGY HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? ( screams ) YOUR SON STOLE MY PADDLIN' PEGGY PADDLE.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT STANDS BETWEEN THE ARLEN SCHOOL SYSTEM AND COMPLETE CHAOS.
APOLOGIZE, YOU! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
I AM NOT ALL TALK, YOU KNOW? YOU DIDN'T APOLOGIZE, SO YOU CHOSE YOUR FATE.
SOMEBODY STOP HER! PEGGY, NO! I SAID I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, MOM.
HE WAS WITH ME ALL DAY.
WELL, SOMEBODY TOOK IT.
IT WAS BILL.
NO, IT WASN'T.
ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS ME.
I TOOK IT.
SOMEBODY HAD TO STOP YOU.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
OH, MY! IT'S OKAY, SON.
DADDY'S HERE.
YOU BIG BULLY.
OH, HANK, WHAT WAS I THINKING? THE IMPORTANT THING IS YOUR SPANKING DAYS ARE OVER, RIGHT? WELL, SO ARE MY TEACHING DAYS.
AT LEAST, UNTIL THE DAY THEY MAKES PANTS THAT CANNOT BE PULLED DOWN BY SOMEONE OTHER THAN THE WEARER.
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE SCARED.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A LITTLE SPEECH I'VE BEEN SAVING FOR THE DAY BOBBY GETS BEAT UP BY A BULLY BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
HIM AND HIS DARN PROP COMEDY.
EVERY TIME THE BOY GETS INTO A JAM, HE SHOVES FRENCH FRIES UP HIS NOSE AND MAKES A NEW FRIEND.
ANYWAY, I THINK MY SPEECH MIGHT APPLY HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT? OH, HANK, NO.
YOU KNOW, SOMEWHERE INSIDE ME IS THE OLD PEGGY HILL-- THE ONE WHO TAUGHT CHILDREN WITHOUT SCARING THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF THEM.
I JUST NEED TO FIND HER AGAIN.
AND THEN SHE FREAKED OU AND SHE DROPPED THE PADDLE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ALLEY.
WITHOUT THAT PADDLE SHE LOOKED JUST LIKE BOBBY'S MOM.
( bell ringing ) THAT'S THE BELL.
BUENOS DIAS, CLASE.
SENOR DOOLEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUSPENDED? I THOUGHT YOU WERE FIRED.
( class laughing ) OH, BYGONES ARE BYGONES, SO, WELCOME BACK.
WELL, I THOUGHT WE MIGHT TALK ABOUT A SPECIAL PART OF SPANISH HISTORY ( class laughing ) YOUR FEET ARE BIG.
( laughing continues ) PADDLIN' PEGGY, WHO DON'T YOU SPANK THEM? YEAH, PADDLIN' PEGGY.
FINE.
ALL YOU CHILDREN ARE INTERESTED IN IS PUNISHMEN SO I WILL TEACH YOU ABOUT PUNISHMENT.
WITH THIS! ( all gasping ) YES! YES! OH, YEAH! ( gasping ) SPAIN, 1478.
THE WEAPON OF CHOICE-- THE MACE.
IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BEGUN WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS A NUMBER OF VERY NICE, INNOCENT PEOPLE WERE BRUTALLY PUNISHED AND WITHOUT A DOUB THE WORST THING ABOUT THE SPANISH INQUISITION WAS THAT NOBODY EVER SAID THEY WERE SORRY.
HOW WERE THEY PUNISHED? OH, ALL KINDS OF AWFUL WAYS.
LIKE WHAT? WELL, SOMETIMES THEY WOULD STRIKE YOU WITH ONE OF THESE.
SOMETIMES THEY WOULD MAKE YOU LIE ON A BED OF SPIKES AND THEN POUR BOILING OIL ON YOU.
OOH! MM-HMM, AND SOMETIMES, THEY WOULD TIE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS TO FOUR DIFFERENT HORSES AND TEAR YOU APART.
( class gasping ) COOL.
WHY, I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING WATCHED.
JOSEPH? JO-SEPH? WHAT? Dale: CAREFUL, JOSEPH.
I'M JUST HERE TO PLAY WITH BOBBY.
I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.
I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP PREPARING THE SOIL.
WHY DON'T YOU SPREAD THE MULCH? WHAT'S IT MADE OUT OF? PADDLE.
AND GOAT MANURE.
TU ERES MUERTO.