Mike & Molly s03e11 Episode Script

Sorry Nemo, no one at the food chair was fair.
Ah, smells like a walrus threw up in here.
I'm gonna take that as "hey thanks for making breakfast sweetie".
You're kidding? Who eats fish for breakfast? Women, trying to increase their odds of getting pregnant.
by boosting their omega threes, and their supporting and loving husbands.
Wait, so I have to eat it too? Uping our protein is better for both of us, and our baby.
Plus, if I have to choke down this crap, so do you.
Ah, this coffee tastes horrible.
Did you dip the fish in it? Yeah, it's a cup of fish water.
It's herbal tea, Mike, and like it or not, we're also giving up caffeine.
Are you crazy? I'm a police officer, I have to stay alert and vigilant, I give up coffee, I lose my cat-like reflexes.
Well, cats love fish, so eat up snowball.
Come on, I gotta have a cup of coffee.
Mike, I read the caffeine can affect the potency and the viscosity of a man's sperm.
Oh that doesn't make any sense at all.
You'll think a shot of coffee will zoom them up the canal like they're riding a jet-ski.
Well clearly you know more than the team of Swedish doctors.
Damn fish-eating swedes.
I knew they were behind this.
I haven't had any coffee either.
Shut up and drink your tea.
Fine.
It's like licking the bottom of a lawn mower.
You get use to the taste.
Just eat your fish.
I don't like my fish this way.
Nobody does, it's a horror show.
It should be deep fried and served in a cardboard pirate hat.
Like God intended.
Eyes just keep following me wherever I move.
It's like that picture of Jesus at my mom's house.
You know, all these sacrifices are gonna be worth it when we hold our beautiful healthy baby, right? I'll tell you what.
For a cup of coffee and an Eggo, I'd settle for an ugly and stupid.
Carlton, you gonna be late for work again.
And tell the tramp laying next to you not to leave her nasty drawers on my banister.
Have to get a haz-mat suit and a pair of tongs.
Good morning, Nana.
- What's good about it? - Okay.
I got woken up at 4:00 in the a.
m.
by some drunk Russian girl thinking my bedroom was the commode.
Ah, Carl brought home another one, huh? Each one nastier than the last.
The boy always did pick low-hanging fruit, but this one was a road apple.
Yeah, I get his morning-after recap every day, whether I want it or not.
Since Christina broke up with him, the boy don't care where he sticks his business.
I'm afraid to keep Swiss cheese in the house.
I'm sure he'll slow down eventually.
But I wouldn't be serving him any onion rings either.
The boy is working my last nerve.
This Ruskie jezebel left cigarette butts in my toilet, and drank all my cognac.
Damn Commies think everything belongs to everybody.
Grandma, what's the matter with you? I got a houseguest trying to sleep.
Your houseguest woke me up in the middle of the night trying to urinate in my clothes hamper.
Well, you didn't have to throw your clock radio at her.
That was rude she's a guest in our country.
Michael, get this slab of stupid out of my living room.
Man, you should see this chick I got upstairs.
She'd be a ten if she wasn't walleyed.
I can't get away from fish today.
Thanks for driving, man.
That crazy Russian chick kept me up all night.
Well, those people aren't quitters.
That's why the Cold War lasted so long.
And they're biters, too.
That girl chomped on my earlobe like it was a cabbage roll.
I told her to stop, but she wouldn't take nyet for an answer.
What kind of coffee you drinking there? It's a Guatemalan blend.
I think the barista was, too.
Her name tag said, "Corina," but her eyes said, "Take me, Señor Carl.
" Could you slip the lid off, so I could smell it? Aw, look, she made a little heart in my steamed milk.
We might have to circle back there later today.
I wouldn't mind capping her 'chino.
God, that smells great.
Molly made me give up coffee in order to maximize the potency and viscosity of my sperm.
Huh.
You'd think a little caffeine would keep them suckers alert.
You know, make them swim a little faster.
- Doctors are full of crap.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what would go great with that? - A biscotti.
- Voilà! Oh Corina didn't charge me for it either.
It's hazelnut.
I'm telling you.
I must be putting out some kind of musk.
I mean, if I bag this Latin America girl, my Johnson will have officially circled the globe.
What are you doing you're not gonna dip it? - Mmm, is it good? It's good, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
Dip it again, slower this time.
Oh, I do love my glass of wine at the end of the day.
It's almost as good as the one at the beginning of the day.
Yeah, you know, I don't miss it.
This herbal tea suits me just fine.
Thank you very much.
Oh, more power to you.
But if I didn't have my "Goofy Grape" to sand the edges off, I'd nail the door shut, turn the oven on and light a match.
Let me just top that off for you.
Hey, ladies.
I brought home Chinese food.
Oh, that was sweet of you.
A new place opened up next door to my weed dealer.
- Now that's a smart businessman.
- Right? Location, location, location.
No food for me.
I'll just boy, this cup of tea is really filling.
I got mushu chicken, pot stickers and kung pao beef.
It's a little squeeze of lemon that gives it that extra zing.
Meal in a cup.
Oh, boy, Chinese is there any slippery shrimp? Just you.
What did I do? She's a little grumpy because she's trying to get pregnant and can't have good food.
Or alcohol or caffeine.
I'm fine healthy living is my morning buzz.
Boy, if I had to live without coffee, hooch or chow mein, I'd fill my ears with ground beef and jump in a shark tank.
I don't care if they are taking over the country.
This is delicious.
- Do they deliver? - No.
But I pot every other day, so I'm in the neighborhood.
Oh, Victoria, do you have any hot mustard sauce? - They got plum sauce? - Mm-hmm.
I love the plum sauce.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I have to say I feel completely satiated from our healthy, baby-smart dinner.
You know, once you start eating right, your body actually craves that kind of food.
I know I mean, who needs those heavy sauces, or French fries or thick buttery rolls that melt in your mouth.
Not me.
Me neither.
We don't need tartar sauce or salt or creamy coleslaw or hush puppies.
Remember the kind they used to serve at the Jolly Roger? Oh, yeah, they were beer-battered.
Beer-battered.
But, give me a nice piece of fish and some, oh, some steamed vegetables, I am good to go.
Absolutely.
And that horrible tea's starting to grow on me, too.
I don't even miss coffee.
I know, once this skull-piercing migraine subsides, I'm gonna be fit as a fiddle.
And our baby will be the beneficiary of all our sacrifices.
Oh.
Just our tummies saying, "Thank you for eating right.
" Yeah, right.
I can't do this.
That was my stomach.
Yeah, but it was talking to mine saying, "Stop this insanity.
" Please stop yelling my head feels like it's splitting in half.
This is nuts.
Why don't we just order a pizza and adopt? There are a lot of children out there in need of a good home.
No, no, we must remain strong.
Just go downstairs, cut up an apple and we'll share it.
Or I could make a big pan of cinnamon rolls.
No, go get the apple now! And a big one! Big as your big head.
it's gonna get thicker, and I don't want it to burn, but I'm waiting for it to come to a nice syrup consistency.
Hey, champ.
- What are you watching? - Food Network.
This must be like porn for you.
No, this is way better than porn.
What are they cooking? It's Bacon Week.
They're gonna show you how to caramelize it.
Put the oven on 375, dip the bacon in brown sugar and cinnamon, bake for eight minutes, cool slightly before serving.
Everybody knows that.
Yeah, but not everybody knows it like the Pledge of Allegiance.
Turn that off.
Why aren't you upstairs putting a baby in that crabby wife of yours? I'm getting an apple.
Hey, could you grab that? I got a little headache from eating my ice cream too fast.
Good.
Geez, you're a mean couple.
You two deserve each other.
Carl, what are you doing here? Grandma gave me the boot and now I got no place to sleep tonight.
- Well, what are you fighting about now? - Beats me.
She's old.
Who knows what's going on - under that cheap-ass wig? - All right, I guess you can crash on the couch tonight.
- Thanks, man.
- Okay.
Hey, baby.
Good news, we don't have to sleep in my car.
Wait a second.
Do me a favor when she comes in, introduce yourself, 'cause I can't remember her name.
Hey.
This isn't a party.
It's just two gay guys eating a banana split.
I haven't had one bite of that.
I added a scoop of peanut butter so we'd have something to dip 'em in.
- Otherwise we're just eating an apple.
- Ah Ooh.
- Who was that at the door? - Huh? Oh, it was Carl.
He needed a place to crash tonight, so I gave him the couch.
Crunchy instead of creamy was a great idea.
- Right? It's more like a taffy apple - Wow.
the way God intended you to eat apples.
Did his grandma kick him out of the house again? Yeah, but don't worry.
The two of 'em will be gone by first thing tomorrow morning.
"Two of them"? Yeah, he picked up some gal.
You know, I think I prefer - the McIntosh to the Granny Smith.
- Wait, Carl is downstairs with a strange woman, sleeping on our couch? Well, they're probably not sleeping yet.
She was pretty wired on something.
Still got her teeth, so I doubt it's meth.
Wait, you got to get 'em out of here.
I mean, tell him to go to a hotel.
He's my best friend.
I can't turn him away.
Well, why can't they go to her place? I don't know eviction notice or jealous husband.
She was very cagey about it.
Have you eaten two slices or just one? I am really not comfortable with this.
You won't even know she's here.
Unless she's that screamer with Tourette's he was telling me about yesterday.
- You ready to make a baby? - No, I'm I'm not gonna have sex with you with a strange woman downstairs.
I do it every night with your mom and your sister.
I just pretend we're astronauts, and we landed on a weird planet.
Sorry.
I thought I smelled weed up here.
End of the hall.
Ask for Victoria.
She better not eat all of our apples.
Thanks for letting me crash at your place, man.
Molly still mad at me? Yeah, but after two days of no coffee, - she pretty much hates everybody.
- Mm.
So when she told me to get the hell out, that was just caffeine withdrawal? No, that was a woman really wanting you out of her home.
Mm.
Why don't you just go back to your grandma's and apologize? Me? Apologize to her? For what, living my life? No, for bringing home whores.
Hey, none of them were actual whores.
Although one of 'em did steal my nickel jar.
Well, you can't stay at our house.
Well, fine.
I got plenty of places I can go.
Hey, Samuel, my man.
I live in an efficiency apartment with five roommates.
Three of us share a pull-out couch, two sleep on a yoga mat, and one sleeps in the bathtub.
So under the kitchen table is up for grabs? If we had a kitchen table, we could bring in another renter.
Damn, that man needs to get his own place.
Oh, man! Spiteful old lady changed the locks.
Grandma, don't make me break a window.
If you break a window, I'm gonna break off your arm and beat you to death with it.
Quit fooling around and let me in.
Not by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin.
Come on, Grandma, you made your point, but I got no place else to go tonight.
All right.
But if you got some Ukrainian jezebel hidin' in the bushes, you two can hop on a dogsled and mush your butts back to Moscow.
What's all this? Those are your shoes, those are your books, and the square thing behind you is the door.
All right, Grandma, you made your point.
No more overnight guests.
This ain't just about your catting around.
Although that Russian girl using my toothbrush was the tramp that broke this camel's back.
Come on, help me unpack this stuff.
I'm not giving in on this, Carlton.
It's time for you to get your own place and stand on your own two feet.
What? I can't leave you by yourself.
You're a fragile old woman.
"Fragile"? Who do you think lugged them 50-pound boxes down a flight of stairs like a damn mule? It's dangerous, you living alone.
Like that time you got heat exhaustion mowing the lawn.
Told you I was fine.
You were fine because I was there to spray you down with the garden hose.
I was napping, fool.
I woke up thinking I was back in Selma getting fire-hosed by the police.
A all right, all right, is this about me contributing more around the house? Because if I'm gonna pay you to do my laundry, you're gonna have to step up the fluff and fold.
Carlton, sit down.
I ain't been doing you any favors by mollycoddling and babying you.
You're a full grown man, and you need to start acting like one.
Why are you doing this? 'Cause I love you.
And it's time for you to grow up.
I've lived in this house my whole life and and now you're just gonna kick me out? Don't make this any harder than it is.
When your mama left you here to live with me, I promised her I would take good care of you.
And you did.
Grandma, you gave me everything you made me stay in school, you kept me out of trouble.
I don't know what I would've done without you.
Well, it's time for you to find out.
And I'm not kicking you out of my life, I'm just throwing you out of my house.
Well, can I just stay here tonight until I figure out what I'm gonna do? No.
If I don't stay strong now, I might never do it.
Besides, Brother Heywood's upstairs, and his refractory time is almost over.
Grab yourself something to drink and let yourself out.
I love you, Carlton.
Love you, too.
My whole life in six boxes.
There's eight more up here, but you're carrying those down your damn self.
Here's a good one: studio apartment, utilities included, small pet allowed.
You could get that ferret you always wanted.
Studio? No, man, I need at least a two-bedroom.
I've got to have a home office.
Why do you need an office? I might write a book someday.
And I need someplace to put my globe.
God, it's starting to get cold in here.
You guys cold? We already turned the heat up for you, Carl.
Yeah, but that was before I took off my shoes.
Now my tootsies are getting a little chilly.
- Mike? - Here we go a large one-bedroom in Wrigleyville.
Hey, you could walk to ball games.
I don't know I don't want to live on a pile of empty cups and peanut shells.
Bad enough riding around in the squad car with you.
Ha! 32 minutes.
Hand it over.
- We're not that place.
- That place should be every place.
He ordered a pizza? Smells like sausage, onion, and green pepper.
I swear I can smell the extra cheese.
Y you know what? It's nice outside.
I I'm just gonna eat this on the porch.
- Should we cut up an apple? - You do it.
I can't be trusted with a knife right now.