Rules of Engagement s03e11 Episode Script

Oh.
Wow, look at this place.
It's like being in Paris.
So we agree, it sucks.
God forbid we eat anywhere without a pie carousel.
Look at how the tables are all smashed together.
As an American, it's my right to eat without touching knees with some dude.
What about your right to remain silent? Why don't you exercise that one? Bonsoir.
Oh.
Here we go.
Please follow me.
Ugh.
Oh, would you stop it? You are so not adventurous.
Not adventurous? Who's dangling their junk two inches over an open flame, uh? Oh, look at that.
Steve? Hey.
Jeff, Audrey! Oh, hey! Hey, haven't seen you since you moved to the midtown office.
Oh, I know.
Hey, is Holly meeting you here? No, she's not.
Ah.
Too bad.
You know, you guys are my one fix-up that worked.
Holly and I are getting divorced.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.
You had no way of knowing Holly was a soul sucking demon who was gonna completely destroy my life.
Well, what looks good? I just I can't believe it.
I thought you two were such a good match.
No.
But you know, it's It's not so bad, you know.
Of course, I did have to move out of the city.
And I sold at the exact wrong time.
Really took it in the shorts.
I'm in Jersey now.
Hey, the Garden State! Well, enjoy your meal.
Steve, please join us for dinner.
Oh.
But you You're having such a nice meal, the two of you.
All right, then.
Steve, please join us.
Okay, well, if you really don't mind.
* How many ways To say, "I love you"? * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * I can't believe you.
You're really not surprised Holly and Steve are getting divorced? No.
Guys never are.
Russell, are you surprised? I am not.
You do not even know them.
But I know physics.
For every action, marriage, there is a reaction, rich divorce lawyer.
I guess I just prefer to look at the glass as half full.
Well, thanks to you, Steve's glass is half full.
Of tears.
What's up, Einstein? Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, our coffee maker broke, so I gotta get Jen a cup.
Aw.
That's nice of you.
Yeah, well, it's more for me than her.
Jen gets a little cranky when she doesn't get her caffeine.
Did she scratch you? Yeah.
But in fairness, I was smiling at her with my stupid face.
So what are you guys up to today? We're going to a party at our friend Steve's in New Jersey.
He's having a hard time with his divorce.
Yeah.
Like us going to a party at his sad singles complex is gonna help.
Hold on.
"Sad singles complex" or "hotbed for desperate chicks"? Tell me more.
No.
We're going to his party, it's the right thing to do.
Now, I have a hair appointment.
Look, I am the man of the house and I, and only I, will dictate what we do She's gone.
I know.
I like to pretend.
All right.
I gotta get Jen that cup of Seriously, you're sitting there talking? Where is my coffee? Do you think if you don't move, she can't see you? It works with dinosaurs.
You know, when you told me this was a singles party I didn't know it meant the number of people that'd actually be here.
No one made you come with us.
Yeah.
What's that like, being here voluntarily? Hey, guys.
Hey! Throw your laundry in, and spend a cycle partying with us.
Oh, this'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Lonely women and the only competition is pale, doughy losers.
None taken.
Hey.
Okeydoke.
Hi.
Who's that? I don't know, but she dresses kind of like a whore.
Sold.
May I buy my lady some detergent? It's a free country.
Let me guess, you go liquid, straight up with a twist of softener.
How did you know? Please, you look like a woman who likes her whites bright and her colors springtime fresh.
I also know my way around a stain stick.
Oh.
I love a woman who talks dirty laundry.
So This place is really something.
Mm-hm.
These aren't as good as I remember.
Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
Although I do need somewhere to stay the next few nights.
Why? Oh, my fish tank exploded and they're checking my apartment for mold, you know.
Oh, no, did your fish die? They did.
Yeah.
Well, they're in a better place now.
Yeah.
Literally.
I really need a place to stay the next few nights.
Well, we I mean, I'd go to a hotel, but I don't have any money.
And you know, with the divorce and all.
You know.
The, uh, cheese to a cracker ratio is way off.
Oh.
Steve, come stay with us.
Oh! You're more than welcome.
Oh, that would be perfect, thank you.
Wow, I-I'll be there tomorrow night, okay? Let me just go grab some things before the Hazmat team seals off my apartment.
Wow.
You really want to bring some of this magic into our home? I feel bad.
If I hadn't set up Steve with Holly he would not be living here in Hitler's bunker.
Sure, Tina, I'd love to see your unit.
And then I'll return the favor.
Hi.
Oh, hey.
Where you been? I got waylaid in Jersey.
And that's two words: Way laid.
So the trip to Jersey panned out for you? Oh, totally.
Jersey's an untapped market.
And the best part is, I skedoodle, she's an entire state away.
Dirty night, clean break.
Ha-ha-ha.
Excuse us.
You had a rendezvous with our sister Tina last night.
No, I didn't.
Are you not Russell Dunbar? No, he is.
Jesus, Tina.
If you'll be so kind as just to give us a moment of privacy, please? He can stay, he's cool.
See you, buddy.
It seems that after your encounter with our sister, you promised to phone her first thing this morning.
That did not occur.
Oh, my God.
Is it morning already? It's just, with this daylight savings time, it's crazy.
Who can keep up with it? Irregardless, it is now 2 p.
m.
Which could lead one to believe that maybe you have no intentions of making good on your promise.
Which would make our sister very unhappy.
And we are very protective of our sister.
Yes.
Tina is She's a great girl.
She's really How can I make this right? We're having a family gathering at this address tonight.
You are invited to come and apologize to Tina for your earlier transgressions.
That does sound like a dynamite plan, and lots of fun, uh, it's tricky though, because I got a thing Look, look, Tina likes you.
She likes you for reasons that are not abundantly clear.
And she will be treated with respect as this goes forward.
And it will go forward.
Yeah, doy, that's that's what it's doing.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
You sure you're not Russell? Sorry.
Us too.
Guys, thanks so much for taking me in.
Oh.
It's the least we can do.
And that dinner, Audrey.
I do not eat that well at my place.
Although they are doing some great stuff with Ramen these days.
I'd love to hear more about that.
Oh! Well, those flavor packets are Tomorrow.
Okay, great.
I-I'm beat.
I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna hit the hay.
You know what? I really appreciate this, man.
Oh.
We're good, bro.
Oh! Okay.
You see that? He's in better spirits already.
Oh.
Why wouldn't he be? He's not sleeping in a moldy apartment with dead fish.
Steve is the perfect house guest.
Are you kidding me? He took the crusty part of the scalloped potatoes.
The whole underneath part is garbage.
It didn't stop you from eating the rest of it.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Steve, everything okay? Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm just gonna sleep out here on the couch.
But you have your own room Yeah, just being in that big bed just reminds me of how alone I am, you know.
Plus, towards the end of our marriage, I got kind of used of being the mayor of Sofa City.
But Jeff and I are gonna watch TV, w-we don't want to keep you up.
Oh, you won't.
You won't.
Ooh! I'll bet those fish killed themselves.
Why are you so mad? I did what you said.
No, I sent you out for a coffee maker and you come back with a stupid French Press.
It's too much work.
It's not.
You just put your hand on top and push down.
Least you get to be on the other side of that move for a change.
Oh.
Whoa.
Good, thank God you're okay.
Thought those guys were gonna break your legs.
Oh, really? So running down here for a bear claw and cocoa was the right response.
I heard about the goombah twins.
I guess your, uh, Jersey plan backfired.
Uh.
No, it did not.
Although I was a little bit scared.
Not so scared I ran down to the diner and had a continental breakfast.
All right.
But I actually had a good time.
Met the family, they loved me.
They even gave me a nickname.
Oh, let me guess, "Baby Hands.
" No.
No, wait, "Seventies Hair.
" No.
Oh! Wait.
Wait, d-did someone already say "Baby Hands"? My cell phone rang twice during dinner, so they call me "Russell Two Calls.
" So what are you? Are you all mobbed up now? Mobbed up.
See? That is such an offensive stereotype.
Can I get you something? Yeah.
Can I get some nice roasted peppers and a little gob of goo? I have no idea what that is.
I know, me neither.
Just a grilled cheese and a pickle.
That is a good one.
I'm so glad you called.
You made my afternoon.
Oh, she's here.
Yeah, I should probably go.
Okay.
It's for you.
Hello? Uh, no.
I-I'm happy with my long distance service.
Okay, goodbye.
Oh! Bye, Sean! So you're home from work early.
All jammied up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't I didn't go to work.
I took a personal day.
I was kind of, you know, mourning the loss of Mr.
Bubbles and Goldie.
Oh.
Your fish? Please? You know, it's funny.
One minute you're at the carnival throwing darts at balloons, and the next you're bringing home a baggie full of friends.
And then they're dead.
Hey, you want to play some gin rummy? Wow, I'd love to, but, um, Jeff's going to be home any minute.
So I should I should really get dinner started.
Okay.
Oh, hey.
Is that Sean? No.
Come home.
What's going on there? Steve's had a bad day.
Just Just tell me you're close.
Oh.
I feel terrible, but I'm stuck at work.
Oh, God, babe.
Just get here as fast as you can, okay? Will do.
Oh, God! You're hiding in the kitchen, huh? I don't blame you.
I'd avoid me too, if I could.
No.
I was not avoiding you.
Steve, you're a great guy.
Thanks.
How so? Well, you have your health and you gave us that great shortcut to your place.
But even with all that, I couldn't make my marriage work.
Well, that wasn't your fault.
I'm so sorry I ever even introduced you to Holly.
You are way, way out of her league.
Thanks, Audrey.
You really know how to make me feel good.
Oh, I'm so glad.
No, truly, you You're one of the nicest people that I know.
Oh, I'm just being who I am.
Come here.
Uh.
Oh Hey, are you busy? No, I'm just having my morning coffee.
Join me.
Would you like your dish rag with cream or sugar? Something weird happened last night.
You know Jeff's friend Steve who's been staying with us? The sad pajama guy? Well, Jeff was working late, Steve was feeling down, so I gave him a little pep talk.
Next thing I know, he's making a pass at me.
Oh! Really? Well, what do I do? I mean, I can't tell Jeff.
I'm the one who insisted Steve stay with us.
I can't believe this.
Oh, I can.
He's sad, Jeff's gone, you're hot.
Well, that's true.
And I was wearing my skinny skirt.
Oh, and my best boob sweater.
Oh, God! Those two together? I must have been torturing the poor guy.
It must have been so uncomfortable for you.
What exactly did he do? Well, I just went to give him a little hug and he kind of turned his head It's kind of hard to describe.
Oh, here.
Show me.
I'm you, you're Steve.
All right.
Ha-ha-ha.
I knew it.
You owe me five bucks.
Oh, damn it.
Calm down, Audrey was just showing me how Steve made a pass at her.
Oh.
The pajama guy? He's awesome.
You should really tell Jeff.
Or I make the whole thing go away.
All right? I know people.
All right.
Take it easy, Two Calls.
Hey, where were you? Talking to Steve.
I gotta admit, he seems like a new man today.
As much as it pains me to say you were right.
Hey, maybe I just won't say it.
Okay, I don't know exactly how to tell you this, and I don't want you to overreact or freak out, but last night Steve made a pass at me.
Oh.
Okay, calm down.
I may have brought this on myself.
I mean, we were in the living room, I was consoling him, I went to give him a little hug, and then he kind of did this thing with his head He buried his face in your neck.
Yes.
How did you know? Yeah, he does that to everyone.
At work we used to call him "The Nuzzler.
" Yeah, well, maybe, but this was different.
I mean, I was rocking my skinny skirt and my best boob sweater.
He's been doing it for years.
You know the sweater I mean, right? I mean, I looked like a freaking Barbie doll.
It had nothing to do with the sweater.
He nuzzles everyone.
So it wasn't No.
Or the No.
No.
It's open, come in! How long have you lived in New York? Guys, in the kitchen.
I'm on my way to evening Mass with the family, and I understand you need a coffee machine.
How do you know that? Around the neighborhood, I hear things.
Oh, my God.
It's amazing! Where'd you get it? A friend of mine came into a truckload.
Sal the Ant.
Good guy, big earner.
You've done good.
You've done good.
Hey, wait.
Why's the serial number scratched off? Don't ask so many questions.
But you need the serial number for the warranty.
Ha-ha.
You break it, I get you another one.
There's your warranty, huh? Ow! This guy.
I am so sorry for the misunderstanding.
I would never make a pass at you.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I mean, you are so not my type.
I could name like a hundred women that I'd so much Yeah, I got it.
Okay.
I'll get the elevator.
Good.
Rocking her skinny skirt.
Okay, Steve, I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, okay.
Gosh, I just I don't know how to thank you, Audrey.
You shown me compassion, kindness, friendship.
And the fact that you thought I made a pass at you and you still didn't blow me off that gives me hope that there's another woman out there who's gonna, you know, take me seriously.
Oh, Steve.
Of course there's another woman out there for you.
Thanks.
Of course not like you, you're not my type.
Elevator's here! Oh.
Okay.
All right.
No nuzzle this time, okay? All right.
Hey! Hey, we're good, bro.
That's cool.
Okay.
All right.
Don't be a stranger.
Take care, buddy.
Hmm.
By any chance did they also call Steve.
"The Boob Grazer?" No.
Why? Just curious.
Hey, paisan! It's good to see you.
Oh, how's your mother? You give her my regards, okay? Oh, this two, always with this two.
Ah.
Good people.
Good.
Can I get you something to drink? Yeah.
Chianti for me and the little lady.
We don't have that.
Oh! Coffee, thanks.
Okay, enough, huh? Stop acting like that.
Acting like what? She's busting my balls over here.
Like that! Look, I went out with you because I thought you were different from all the other goons I've dated.
The mouth on this one.
Russell, if I wanted a guy like this, I'd go for the real thing, okay? Not some pathetic tracksuit wannabe.
Hey, show some respect.
The name is "Two Calls.
" Should've been "Dropped Call.
" I'll see ya, loser.
Oh! Oh.
Grilled cheese and a pickle.