Bob's Burgers s03e12 Episode Script

Lookie, lookie.
My green blazer from when I had jury duty on Saint Patrick's Day.
What's the blazer for? Tina's gonna wear it at her audition tomorrow for the school news channel.
I want to be serious newswoman, like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News.
"It must be great being right all the time.
No, it's terrible.
" Aw.
I need to practice being a television journalist.
Dad, can I interview you? Um, okay.
Don't look directly into the camera, Dad.
I got it.
So, tell me, why burgers? Well, my dad got me started Do you see this as a stepping stone - to a real restaurant? - It is a real restaurant.
Mm, slop shop.
Can you cook anything other than burgers? Yes, lots of things.
- Like? - Like, um like, paella.
Paella tell me how you make that.
Well, I'd have to look up the recipe, but, uh So you don't know how to make paella? No, I could make Okay, I'm confused, because a minute ago you were an expert.
Dad needs media coaching.
Look, I randomly said "paella.
" I didn't mean to.
Ah, I'm going in tight.
Bob, get off paella.
All right, interview's over.
Get that camera out of my face.
I think we got what we need.
You look amazing, sweetie.
And you're gonna look even better on camera.
You inherited my strong chin.
Where's your strong chin, Mom? I can't see it.
Keep looking, you'll find it.
What did I inherit from you, Mom? You got my zest for life.
And my extra long pinky toe.
And I got your birthing hips.
Actually, Gene, you take more after your father.
No, hips don't lie.
Look at this.
I forgot that I went through a Judd Nelson phase.
That's your father when he was your age.
He looked just like you.
Wait, does that mean when I'm his age, I'm gonna look just like him? Spoiler alert! No! Hey, you could do worse.
I don't see how! At least you know your shoulders won't go bald.
Gene, it's starting.
I found this on your pillow! Ah! Oh, my God! Quick, come me over! Trump me! - Louise - What? You're not going bald, Gene.
Apologize, Louise.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's okay.
What's the point of clinging to this, if I'm doomed to be that? - Huh.
I don't know.
- Lin.
Why wait? Let's do it now.
I want the whole Bob.
- Male-pattern baldness.
- Hmm.
- Stoop shoulders.
- Stop.
- Paunch.
- Please.
And the push broom on my lip.
This is incredibly insulting.
Think about how I feel.
You really let myself go.
Go to school.
- We're going.
- Bye.
Remember, kids, this is just the student news, no pressure.
I'll only be going back frame by frame and critiquing you on eye contact, presentation and how cool you are.
You really want to do this? Okay, first up to the green screen, Zeke with sports.
Comin' at ya, Mr.
Grant! That game was tighter than a tater in a tailpipe.
It was like two babies climbin' on the same boob.
Then we lost.
Wow, Zeke, I feel like I was there.
Next up, auditioning for field reporters, Andy and Ollie.
Back to you, Andy.
Back to you, Ollie.
- Back to you, Andy.
- Back to you, Ollie.
If only you two were Siamese twins.
We can do that.
Oh, great! That'd be super helpful if you could figure that out.
It looks like it's working.
We did it! So sweet.
And, next up, for the coveted anchor spot, Tammy.
Good luck, Tammy.
Uh, I was born lucky, Tina.
'Cause I was born me and not you.
And I'm a blonde now, so I'm better than you.
I don't like what you say, but I admire the way you say it.
Wow, it's Tammy with the news! Whoo! News News.
Tam, slam, thank you, ma'am.
Next up, Tina.
Oh, hey, Tina, little tip: You're a super fast talker, so talk really slow.
Thanks, Tammy.
Whoa! That's still way too fast.
Mr.
Grant, I'm here because I have a nose for news.
Great.
Now about that green jacket I'm Tina with - Tina.
- with the Paranormal activity! Oh, my God, I'm anchor! Yes! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Whoo! I am anchor! I'm staff intern? But I already had a sign-off.
"Good-bye, audience.
" Well, maybe you could change it to "Does anyone need juice?" Does anyone need juice? Hmm.
Maybe it'll work better when you have some juice.
So, what does the staff intern do? Besides go on juice box runs? Yeah.
Oh, lots of things.
You know, hand out the juice, make sure people are happy with their juice, clean up all the empty juice boxes.
Okay.
Isn't there any other important behind-the-scenes stuff I could do to help? Well, there's editing music, effects.
That stuff is a blast.
Great.
But I do those.
I mean, if you did them, what would I do? Be the teacher? Yeah, right, Tina, that sounds great.
I'll just teach.
Little more off the top.
Sprinkle on the back and the ears.
A little more glue.
Buh, buh, buh, buh Show me, show me! Voilà! It's perfect! I've been tarred and Bobbed.
I don't know how I got that arm hair to look so sad, but I did it.
Can I get in here? I need to Oh, my God! It's like looking in a mirror! No, it isn't, Gene.
Who's Gene? I already can't tell who's who.
Take that stuff off.
Lin, get in here and settle this! Don't call your mother Lin.
What? Oh! Wha h-hey! Whoa, travel-size Bob.
Aw.
Linda, you're encouraging him.
I need the bathroom.
Oh.
Wow, this is confusing.
No, it's not.
You're my family and I love you, but you're terrible.
You're all terrible.
- I don't say that.
- Well, that's all you say.
You do.
You kind of do.
BOB and GENE: Unbelievable.
- Gene.
- Bob.
All right, enough.
Enough.
I'm not doing this.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm oh, my God.
Oh, God.
He's really good.
He's good.
- He's not good, Lin.
He's not good, Lin.
- He's good.
- Gene! - What, Bob?! Lin! Lin! - What? - Gene! Lin! Lin! - Gene! - I'm leaving! Aw, he's so cute.
Stop following me! Stop following me in front! Hi, Mr.
Branca.
Careful, Tina.
Slippery.
Did Mrs.
Persky's water break? I may have won the baby pool.
Worse.
Someone dragged in a dog turd.
And this isn't the first time, either.
You have great stories, Mr.
Branca.
I ever tell you you're, like, my best friend? Oh.
Thank you.
Look, this news show competes for students' attention with cell phones, gossip and bathroom graffiti.
We need to be faster, meaner, and graffiti-er! So, what I'm I have a cran-apple, two grapes and a bunch of kiwi-strawberry.
Here's the crazy straw you asked for, Zeke.
Extra crazy, just how you like it.
Could be crazier.
Now, who knows the five W's of school news? Oh, "who, what, where, when and sometimes why.
" Or, is that vowels? No! They're "wow, woo-hoo, way hot, weird and what the mmm.
" Every story we do should have all five.
I got one: New kid nip slips! Way hot, Zeke! Oh, whose parents are poor? Woo-hoo, Tammy! I've got one.
The custodian says someone is tracking in dog poo.
What the huh? Less caca, more gaga, Tina.
Anyone else? I hear there's a 45-year-old fourth grader with a mustache walking around school.
Now that's pretty "what the ah"! Go with that.
This is WSN, the news you need from the students you like.
In your face! I'm Tammy Larson and these are the breaking stories.
What's up with Brenda? I mean, right? Jimmy Pesto Junior previews dance moves the principal won't allow at winter prom.
This one's out.
Can't do this.
Forget about this one.
I love it, but it's not news.
Now, to our top story: Lenny Destefano is there enough of him to go around, and how can we ration our passion? Jocelyn, who's Lenny going to the winter prom with? No one knows.
He's going out with Julie, but he's been texting the entire drill team and me.
And me, also.
Oh.
Now to Zeke with dodgeball highlights.
Thanks, Tammy! Here's a kid getting it in the muchachos.
Ooh! Here's another dude, right in the Easter eggs.
Boing! Watch this geezer with a 'stache get his.
It's okay, I've had my kids.
Hey, Tina, I saw the news.
Is that true about Lenny and the drill team? Julie deserves better.
The school deserves better news.
Well, I just got back from the library.
More shoe poopy got dragged in up there.
All the way to the reference section.
Talk about Encyclopedia Brown.
I I don't get it.
Wait, that's a pretty long way to track something in on a shoe.
I'm gonna poke around.
Something doesn't smell right.
That's this.
Oh, yeah.
So it is applesauce, but try to find it in the sauce aisle at the supermarket.
You'll be sorely disappointed.
Anyway, I was looking for chutney.
Uh, is this a long story, Teddy? I mean, it has been long, but is it longer? I haven't gotten to the story part yet.
Gene, I need you behind the counter.
Just stand here and I'll be right back.
I'm not sure I appreciate being foisted off like this, Bob.
So, anyway, I end up in the ethnic food section.
Mm-hmm.
- It was like a whole new world opened up.
- Mm-hmm.
I bought baby food from India.
Those babies are tough.
No joke on those slices.
That's fascinating, Teddy.
Little Bob is great.
Yeah, I guess I'll keep him.
Lin, stop.
You stop.
No, stop, Lin.
No, you stop, little Bobby.
Mm-hmm, stop.
Bobby, stop.
Look at you two, you're like an old married couple.
We put up with each other.
All right, enough, Gene.
Gene, get back to the kitchen.
How could dog poop make it all the way up two flights of stairs and into the library on a shoe without being wiped off? Tele-poop-tation? Let's experiment.
We need something the exact same size and texture as poop.
How about Dad's burger? It's even the same color! Great idea.
What the hell are you kids doing? Walking on one of Dad's burgers to see how much like dog doo it is.
Oh, science.
It's clean.
That can mean only one thing: The poos must have come from inside the school.
Which means, they're probably human! I knew there was a story there.
We're looking at a serial pooper.
Oh, my God.
Is it you, Louise? I've dabbled in the area, but I don't get enough food to be a serial pooper.
I, uh, probably only poop once a week.
I think I'll call the culprit the Mad Pooper.
Ooh, I got a better one.
The Butt-ler.
Get it? I get it.
It's got "butt" in it.
Butt.
Whatever we call him or her, it's definitely news.
That's toilet journalism, Tina.
We do gutter journalism.
But there's a Mad Pooper loose in the school.
It's the job of the news to inform the public.
It's worth it, even if we save just one shoe.
Yuck.
Well said, Tammy.
The Mad Pooper story is ten times bigger than Lenny Destefano's love life.
And less disgusting.
He'll put his lips on anything with pom-poms.
But I can't get it out there.
WSN has a news monopoly.
So do your own newscast.
My own newscast? You think I could do that? Who's the one yammering about her nose for news? Me? Yeah, this nose right here! Ow! Get it sniffing! Snort some news up there! I can't snort 'cause you're holding my nose.
There's gonna be lots of things holding you back! - Okay.
- Snort it up! Come on, Cronkite, snort! It's for the good of the people! Let me know when you got something.
My diorama got diarrheaed.
I think I just snorted a story.
Dad's old camcorder, a VCR and a videotape? Say hello to your state-of-the-art studio.
But, this is Gene's birth.
There's a lot of crowning stuff that can just be taped over.
Looks like an angry softball trying to get out of a coin purse.
Hmm, okay.
Listen, princess, I don't even know what you're talking about, but you can do anything you set your mind to.
And, no matter what, your mother and I will always love you.
He's good.
That kid just fathered the crap out of you.
He did okay.
I did great.
Little preachy.
You got a lot of shine on you, Tina.
How did you get equal time on the school network? I told Principal Spoors I had incriminating pictures of him.
Because I drew some incriminating pictures of him.
Great, let's do this.
These halls are calm now.
But on Wednesday, it was a different story.
I left my shoebox diorama for a minute and someone pooped in it.
It was about the Industrial Revolution.
Some call him the Mad Pooper.
My mom calls him the Butt-ler.
By any name, these brown thumbtacks tell a tale of terror.
Excuse me, can I go get my medicine at the nurse's office? Shh.
I'm watching this.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Who would do such a thing? We turn to an expert, Mr.
Frond.
It's someone trying to communicate.
Likely, a foreign- exchange student.
He or she has something inside them they desperately want to get out.
- Rage? - Poo.
And what do Wagstaff students think? My message to the Mad Pooper is: Grow up! I did.
Whoever the Mad Pooper is, he or she is probably not finished.
And if they're not, I'm not.
In the hall, I'm Tina Belcher.
And we're clear.
Yes, I did it.
Take that, Tammy.
And Holly Hunter.
I lied, we're not clear.
Okay, now we're clear.
I'll just edit that part out.
Oh, okay, good.
Ah, damn it, we got poop-scooped! Tina's story is all anyone's talking about.
Tammy, what happened? Well, you said gaga, not caca.
This caca is gaga! Now get me that story.
I don't know how.
Do it, or I'll replace you with the weird twins.
Back to you, Andy! Back to you, Ollie! Whoa, okay, no, no, no! Forget it.
Hey, Tina, great Mad Pooper reporting.
Thanks.
Can I copy you like I do in math class? Real news isn't about copying.
And you shouldn't copy me in math.
Yeah, well, you should get a tutor, 'cause I got a "C.
" You got a "C"? Wait, I got a "D.
" You know what? I'll do my own story.
And it'll be way better than yours, you lame-pon.
Good, I hope it is.
It will be.
Because then we'll have more information about the Mad Pooper Tina, we're trash-talking; Stop turning it into a normal conversation.
Oh.
Sorry.
Um, skank? That's much better! Uh, I hate your new hair color.
Give it to me! Your eye shadow is a little much.
In the face! My face! Our top story: Is Tina the Mad Pooper? What if actual surveillance footage existed showing Tina in the act? Let's go to a reenactment of what that footage might look like.
She was always so quiet.
Yeah, she kept to herself.
Yeah, she did.
She did.
So, did Tina create the very story she reported on? Mr.
Grant is here to comment.
When Tina auditioned, frankly, I was physically afraid of her ambition.
She would've done anything to get on TV.
And now, apparently, she has.
Ah.
And what if WSN had an exclusive video confession? Me Tina are Mad Pooper.
You don't believe that just because it was on TV, right? Got it.
Tina? Principal's office, now.
I didn't do it.
Follow the money.
I'll take a poop detector test.
Poop on me once, shame on you.
Poop on me twice, we're not best friends anymore! It's not me, it was a reenactment.
If it didn't happen, then how could they reenact it? Huh.
Uh, yeah.
Oh, you should be a teacher instead of secretary, Ms.
Schnur.
I know.
Louise, why are you here? Tammy didn't frame you.
Unrelated charge.
And now we wait.
At least you're guilty of something.
I got framed.
Cry to Principal Spoors when he gets back from the anti-smoking assembly.
Oh, my God, the assembly! The whole school is there.
Can you think of a better place for the Mad Pooper to strike? The Super Bowl, American Idol, Westminster Dog Show, upside-down roller coaster, International Space Station, yoga retreat, inside a T-shirt gun If I could just get out of here, I could clear my name.
I'll take care of Ms.
Schnur.
Oh, no, look, they're towing a high-mileage, smallish car with a bumper sticker about a personal passion maybe? "My other car's a cat"? That's the one! No! I hope Ms.
Schnur's car's okay.
Go, Tina! Oh, yeah.
All right, missy, this better be good.
Louise, where's your sister? Tina's not here, Gene.
Don't you sass me! Hey, I don't even let Dad talk to me like that.
We got here as soon as we could.
Gene, what are you doing here? They called me! No, they called me.
I can't believe my daughter is the Butt-ler.
I have no daughter! Oh, don't say that, Gene.
Yes, he should say that.
Come on, she's down at the assembly trying to clear her name.
Our lives were so much simpler before the rug rats.
We use to see movies Lin! Sorry, but it's true.
Cigarettes are the real devil sticks.
Nicotine is a bad scene.
You're here somewhere, Mad Pooper.
Let's stay focused; We got to find Tin Ooh, jugglers! Hey, can I get a light? Sure, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
This is kind of a weird message.
I really want a cigarette.
I really want to juggle.
- No sign? - Nothing.
Oh, my God, look.
The Pooper.
I need to get up there.
But how? You could use that hydraulic scissor lift.
Perfect.
I'll sneak up on him.
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
Kelly Mathis and Jocelyn are wearing the same scrunchie.
But Jocelyn is definitely wearing it better.
Mr.
Grant, look.
It's Tina.
What's she doing up there? Maybe she is the Mad Pooper.
Hey, we're better than we thought.
Let's get that camera.
Yeah, catch her in the act.
On the big screen! That's a big load of news.
Look, everyone! It's the Mad Pooper! Ah, it's Tina! Tina, what are you doing? Get down! Oh, my God! Come out of the shadows, Mad Pooper.
- Zeke? - Surprised? Zeke's the Butt-ler! Why'd you do it, Zeke? Well, the first time was an accident.
But the second time was for fun.
Then accident, fun, fun, another accident, three funs in a row, then after that, I was doing it for you, Tina.
- Aw.
- Aw.
But now it's over.
It's not over.
I got one left! Zeke, no.
Poop! Poop! Poop! CROWD Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Stupid kids, listen to them.
Poop's not funny.
I mean, it is a little, but what sort of message are we I can't stand it! I want to see him poop! I want to be a kid again! Poop! Poop! Poop! Oh, thank God.
He's back.
Aw, I'll miss my Muppet Baby Bobby.
You don't have to do this.
Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Here we go.
This isn't an accident! No, it is, it is.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
It's taking a long time.
It's a girl! Uh, no, it's a boy! I guess we're really watching this.
Bobby, hold my hand.
Get out of there! No! Tammy, look out! No! Our top story: The Mad Pooper almost nails me.
I'm joined by the girl who saved my hair.
Louise, it was so close.
I thought it was going to be a lot closer, Tammy, to be honest.
But I miscalculated.
Wind, maybe.
I was scared there was gonna be poop right into my mouth.
Let's go to the Mad Pooper himself, Zeke, who, incredibly, is not in trouble.
Let's find out why.
My family moves around a lot.
His family moves around a lot.
Uh, WSN would like to apologize for any inadvertent suggestion that Tina Belcher was the Mad Pooper.
Our bad.
And now, a new WSN feature: The Tina Table.
Is it getting hot in here? One study shows the school nurse's thermometer is off by one degree.
She's here to discuss it.
Later, I'll talk to students about trading snacks at lunch.
Is it insider trading? No, it isn't.
Look at my news girl, her pretty head floating like a balloon.
Is it just me, or does Tina look great without a torso? Wonder how'd she look with a mustache and a bald spot? Oh, I just remembered how to make paella.