Everybody Hates Chris s03e12 Episode Script

CHRIS: After months of being around Tasha, we had become really good friends.
"Wake Me Up Before You Go Go"? What does that even mean? The problem was, I didn't want to be just a friend, I wanted to get out of the friend zone and into the lover zone, and the only way was to swing for the fences.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Will you go with me? Go where? Strike one.
No, I mean, like, go together.
We are together.
Strike two.
No, I mean, like, you and me go out.
What? Strike three and you're out! Boy, you so crazy.
( scoffs ) Yeah, I'm so crazy.
Are you about to go home? Yeah, to cry.
Yeah, I guess.
Since the direct approach didn't work, I wondered what would.
I thought about being romantic.
Chris, what are you doing? These are for you.
Boy, you're so crazy.
I thought about being chivalrous.
Allow me.
Boy, you so crazy.
Boy, is that your good jacket? No.
I even thought about being brave.
Hey! Why don't y'all leave her alone? ~ Somebody tell me ~ CHRIS: Oh, God! ( all yelling ) Boy, you so crazy! No matter what I did, she always said the same thing.
I'm glad we're friends.
That makes one of us.
I think you're, like, one of the funniest people I know.
Thanks.
Friends don't let friends die lonely.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ While I tried to kick the Tasha blues, my father came bearing news.
Hey.
JULIUS: Hey, everybody.
Hi, baby.
I've got good news.
You finally kicked the gout? No.
Chris isn't your real son? No.
Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores? No.
Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable? No.
I am Employee of the Month.
ALL: Oh.
That's nice, baby.
That's great.
Aren't you going to ask me what I got? A raise? No.
Well, what did you get? Your regular pay and a kick in the ass.
A coupon for a free dinner for six at Domaine et Mer.
ALL: Domain Mayor? The man is where? Is that Russian? DREW: No, that's Spanish.
No, baby, it's French.
Ah, dinner for six, that sounds nice.
But there's only five of us.
DREW: Yeah.
Maybe we can bring somebody.
ROCHELLE: Wait a minute now.
This sounds like a nice place.
We can't just bring anybody.
We thought about bringing Vanessa.
I dated a French guy once.
I can't stand French food.
I mean, hors d'oeuvres.
Who wants a piece of liver on a toothpick? You got any chimichangas? We thought about Jerome.
Uh, excuse me, garçon.
Can we get some more silverware? I just put some out.
I don't know what happened to it.
We even thought about Mr.
Omar.
Oh, my God! He's choking! Help him! Hold on! There's nothing we can do.
But he's still choking.
Not anymore.
Tragic.
Uh-uh.
You know what? We need to bring somebody classy.
Let me think about it.
I was still hoping to make some progress with Tasha, but Greg was convinced all hope was lost.
Dude, once a friend, always a friend.
It's the Westermarck effect.
West what? Edward Westermarck.
He was a scientist.
He concluded that when two people live together in close proximity during the early years of life, they'll never become boyfriend and girlfriend.
That means I still have a chance with Shakira.
There's got to be some way for her to see me as more than just a friend.
What kind of boys does she like? I don't know.
Well, maybe you should ask some other girls.
You'll get some ideas.
When you ask girls what they like, I found out you learn two things: everything and nothing.
So what type of guys do you like? I like dumb guys.
I like tall guys.
I like girls.
Not interesting now, but it will be later.
Free spirits.
Nice guys.
Bad boys.
ALL: Rich.
Thanks.
I thought that was bad.
Then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.
Girls like it when you give them compliments.
Hey, baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
Shut up, idiot.
I wasn't even talking to her.
Hey, baby, what you doing? Julius, I'm gonna need a few extra dollars this week.
For what? Well, we can't go to a nice restaurant looking like "Who let you in?" I'm gonna need a new dress.
The boys need haircuts.
And I need a new pair of shoes.
So does Tonya.
I saw these fake eyelashes-- There's this really nice shawl that goes with the dress.
Pantyhose.
Only my mother could make a free dinner expensive.
After getting every answer under the sun, I figured the only way to find out what Tasha liked was to ask Tasha.
Tag.
You need to borrow some detergent? No, it's okay.
My grandma's ticky.
If I get the wrong soap, she says it's going to make her butt itch.
Do you have any quarters? Yeah.
You know, I didn't expect to see you here today.
I always do laundry on Wednesdays.
I told you that.
Oh, yeah, I must have forgot.
Don't you just hate doing laundry? Yeah.
But, you know, I guess it'd be kind of cool if you had a boyfriend to do it for you.
No.
What kind of man does a woman's laundry? Strike one.
Yeah, no, that wouldn't be cool.
I-I wouldn't do that.
I'd be like, "Woman, you better do my laundry.
" And I guess you want her barefoot and pregnant too, huh? Strike two.
Nah.
I was just kidding.
All right, don't mess this one up.
So if you could go out with any type of guy, who would you pick? I know this is going to sound funny, but I'd go with Slaver Slav.
Who? Slaver Slav is the preeminent bad boy of rap, the top recording act at Setback Records.
He is responsible for the hit album I'm Smacking and Stabbing Somebody.
At the tender age of 16, Slaver Slav was released from prison after serving 17 years for aggravated battery.
This is Slaver Slav's first mug shot, but it wasn't his last.
He released his first single "Put Me in Jail Again and I'll Smack the Stank Off You" about a month later.
The rest is history.
Slaver Slav? Why? He's a bad boy.
I mean, you never know what he's going to do next.
Yeah, stab you or shoot you.
All the girls like him.
Now, if I could just get locked up, I could finally get lucky.
Wait, that didn't come out right.
Hey, man, I've been looking for you.
What's up? I've got every tape and magazine article on Slaver Slav.
My wigga! All you have to do is study him, learn him, be him.
Thanks.
No problem.
( record scratching ) Watching Slaver Slav, I learned the most important thing about being a bad boy: when it comes to girls, the meaner the better, and whatever you do, don't be nice.
~ Girls be talking About what they like ~ ~ I don't care ~ ~ 'Cause I ain't nice ~ ~ I talked to you once Don't call me twice ~ ~ Kiss my ass, girl I ain't nice ~ ~ I got no manners I wear bandannas ~ ~ Word on the street Is I'm bananas ~ ~ I got a lot of money I'm cold as ice ~ ~ So get out my face ho, I ain't nice ~ ~ I ain't nice, I ain't nice ~ ~ Ha, ha, Slaver Slav! ~ ( girls panting ) That girl on the left eventually had a baby with Ghostface Killah.
Chris, I hear your father got Employee of the Month down at the paper.
Yeah.
They still giving out their free dinners? Uh-huh.
Subtlety was not Doc's strong suit.
Uh, that's usually for six people, right? Uh-huh, I'm thinking about asking Tasha to go.
Oh, Tasha.
'Cause she looks better in a dress.
Slaver Slav.
The bad boy of rap.
You know him? Yeah, he broke up with my best buddy's niece.
That boy is bad.
He treated her like nothing, and she still loved him.
See, that's what I don't get.
I don't understand why girls like you to treat them bad.
Chris, women are crazy.
They think just because they get a bad boy, they'll be so special that they'll be the only ones to make him treat a girl nice.
It's just like trying to climb Mount Everest.
Every now and then, somebody does it, but they usually end up in a snow cave, chewing on their own leg.
Analogies were not Doc's strong suit either.
Are we still talking about girls? Chris, all I'm trying to say is Slaver Slav figured it out.
If you want a girl to go crazy over you, be like Mount Everest.
Be difficult.
Try to get to her to eat her own leg off.
And whatever you do, don't be nice.
And again I say there's a reason why Doc lives alone.
I was a bad boy years before Martin Lawrence and Will Smith.
Hey, Chris.
Do I know you? You don't remember me? Do I look like I remember you? I'm Yolanda.
Yolanda? No.
Sonia.
Why you acting all funny? Look, I'm just trying to read.
Why don't you go do something? I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.
Dag! Did you come to buy something or get on my nerves? How come every time I come in here, you always playing me off? What's your name again? It's Carla.
Your head just do that, or is it a nervous condition? You ain't got to talk about nobody.
What's up with that hat? You don't like it? If it's covering up a bald spot, it's fine.
It's much better than your hair.
What's wrong with my hair? What's not wrong with your hair? Call me.
Call me.
Call me.
~ If we talked What words could I ~ CHRIS: I didn't know if this would work on Tasha, or if she had too much self-esteem.
Hey, Chris.
What? I said hi.
What's wrong with you? Why something got to be wrong with me? Maybe you didn't say hi loud enough.
Forget it.
Damn! Why did I listen to an old fool that lives alone? Did I do something to you? No, but I wish you would.
Girl, ain't nobody thinking about you.
Okay.
Except me.
~ Cold-blooded, The way you walk ~ Are you going to the bus stop? Yeah.
Why? Do you want me to walk with you? I don't care.
~ Sexy ~ ~ Mama, you're too cold For me ~ You're trippin'.
CHRIS: And you're falling for it.
~ Who are you ~ Heard your father made Employee of the Month.
Who told you that? Tonya.
Oh.
The girl talk too much.
That's true.
You didn't want me to know? Nah, it's just that she be running her mouth.
I got this free dinner at this place where Slaver Slav eats-- Place called Domaine et Mer.
He might be ignorant, but he loves good food.
Slaver Slav? Wow.
Yeah.
My mom wants to invite one more person.
I'm, like, "Yo, Mom, bus' it.
Why we got to take one more person?" There's more food for us.
I wish I could go.
He says the food is incredible.
Yeah, well, that's what we gonna do.
If you want to come, then come on.
Are you asking me to go? I ain't asking you twice.
Thanks.
COMMENTATOR ( on TV ): It's a home run! CHRIS: And that ball is out of here.
Hey, Ma.
Hey, sweetie.
Found somebody to go to dinner with us.
Oh, that's okay, baby.
I decided to take Michael.
Uncle Michael's coming? Yeah, man.
I heard French food real good.
"Excellente.
" That's French.
I've been studying, 'cause I'm ready to go.
Ooh, la, la.
I can't wait.
And I can't wait for you to choke on that spaghetti.
CHRIS: Trying to take a free meal away from my Uncle Michael was like trying to take a bone away from a pit bull.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to give up a free dinner for a girl? Michael, please.
I already invited her.
I've been trying to get with her for I don't know how long.
If I blow this, probably won't get another chance.
I don't know.
What do I get out of it? What do you want? The one thing my uncle loved more than a free meal was a bunch of free meals.
All it took was a shrimp basket What's up? What's up? Mm.
Later.
Later.
and a slopper.
Hm.
What's up? What's up? Mm.
Later.
Later.
What's all this? Well, I just thought that since we're going to a nice restaurant, we need to brush up on our manners.
I don't want y'all in there embarrassing me.
For a free meal, I don't care if y'all showed up butt-naked with socks on.
We were butt-naked, we wouldn't have socks on, would we? We're not even there yet, and I'm already embarrassed.
What's going on? Mom is trying to teach us manners before we go out.
Manners? Who's going to teach us how to use all these forks? I'm getting to that.
Where's Michael? He's the one needs to learn manners.
Oh, Uncle Michael stopped by.
He can't make it to dinner.
Oh, well, I don't know who else to invite.
How about Tasha? ALL: Tasha? Do I have to buy everybody shrimp and sloppers? Is that okay with you, baby? Sounds like a good idea.
Oh, good.
she eats like a white girl.
My father was really excited, but he was about to find out that his free dinner had a high price.
( clears throat ) Good evening, sir.
May I help you? Yes.
We have a reservation for six.
Um, it was made by the newspaper.
I'm the Employee of the Month.
That look means, "Oh, great, poor people.
" Employee of the Month, party of six.
I don't have anything available right now, but if you have a seat, I'll be right with you.
Never trust a black man who speaks French.
Hi.
Banks party for six, Bonsoir, Mr.
Banks.
Right this way.
Ah, good.
Come on, gang.
MAITRE D': Oui, oui.
"Oui, oui" really means "white, white.
" Bon appétit.
Thank you.
She's about to smack the duck liver out of him.
( clears throat ) May I help you? I thought you said you didn't have anything available.
We don't.
But you had something available for them.
They are-- How do I put this? They are paying.
They're white.
Oh, hold on.
We're paying.
No, you're not.
You're not white! We provide the newspaper with one complimentary table a month.
The provide us with a reduced ad rate.
So you're not paying.
Now, if you check your coupon You do have your coupon, don't you? Does he know who he's talking to? It says right here that promotional seating is subject to the manager's discretion.
I am the manager, it's my discretion.
So are you telling us that we can't sit down? ( laughs ) You-- You can sit down.
Just can't sit at the same table.
What? This is so nice.
I wonder what Slaver Slav would order.
Bet it be cheap.
And fried.
Nothing's cooler than lighting a match for no reason.
Do you think the kids will be okay, baby? They'll be fine.
Meanwhile, back at the Diff'rent Strokes table: This is so cool.
Thanks for letting us sit with you guys.
No problem at all.
You're our guests, so feel free to order anything you want.
For real? For real.
( both laugh ) Meanwhile, I had started acting like a bad boy for Tasha, but ended up being a jerk to everybody.
Can I take your order? Bus' it.
We get some French fries? We don't have French fries.
Y'all call yourself a French restaurant.
All right, what y'all got? Uh, have you had a chance to look at the menu? Nah.
Y'all got some fish? We have several types.
All right, well, fry some of that up for me, get us some drinks, some salad with French dressing, some of them escargots, some French onion soup, some French toast, and for dessert, some French vanilla ice cream.
Anything else? Y'all got French mustard? I'll check.
Check on then.
You want one? Excuse me? That's the French version of black-on-black crime.
( sighs ) So, what are you having, baby? I'm about to have a fit.
Hey! Hey! Hey! May I help you? Do you see us sitting here? I'm not understanding the question.
Look, man, we just want to have our dinner and get out of here.
Could you please take our order? Yes.
What would you like? Oh, yes.
Okay, um, I was looking at this item right here-- Excuse me.
See that.
Is there something wrong? Yes.
They gave you the wrong menus.
These are the Employee of the Month menus.
What? There's only three things on here.
Yes, and we're out of the chicken.
What? Take your time.
But I wanted the chicken.
Wow.
I've never had coq au vin before.
You two have such great manners.
Your mother must be very proud.
Well, she said if we didn't act right, she'd slap the caviar out of us.
Oh.
Béarnaise, anyone? I don't think you're supposed to have your feet on the table.
Ain't nobody ask you.
( sighs ) Young man, I'm going to have to ask you to take your feet off the table.
What if I don't feel like it? Then I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
What if I don't feel like doing that either? You're with the Employee of the Month, aren't you? ( Chris arguing indistinctly ) What is going on over there? Is that Chris? What? ~ Everybody plays The fool sometime ~ ~ There's no exception To the rule ~ ~ Listen, baby ~ ~ It may be factual May be cruel ~ ~ I ain't lying ~ ~ Everybody plays a fool ~ Chris! What?! ( heartbeat thumping ) ( rhythmic beeping, air whooshing ) ROCHELLE: Hey, baby.
Ma? How's everything going in here? Oh, doctor, is he going to be okay? Well, I think we'll be able to get it out, but you won't be able to wear that shoe again.
Hang in there, big guy.
WOMAN ( on PA ): Any available IC nurse, 609.
Any available How you feeling, sweetie? Not too good.
Well, why were you acting like that? Just trying to impress Tasha.
By acting like an idiot? No.
She said she liked bad boys like Slaver Slav.
Trying to act like him.
Without the money.
Baby, you can only be who you are.
If she doesn't want you, then you don't want her.
That day I learned the most important lesson in life: be yourself, or get a pump in your ass.
Mommy's gonna get you some ice chips, okay? Better get a shoehorn too.
WOMAN ( on PA ): Dr.
Anthony to the Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
Hey, Chris.
Tasha? Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'll be fine.
I just wanted to apologize for acting like such an idiot.
Forgive me? Yeah, it's okay.
That's what friends are for.
Thanks, Dionne Warwick.
Is this your x-ray? Yeah.
Boy, you so crazy.
Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.
( sobbing ) ~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )