Rules of Engagement s03e12 Episode Script

Oh, hello.
Nice robe, Hef.
Why'd you double lock the door? Well, I guess I just had too much cash on me.
Why? Why can't I be more surprised? Guess who just sold his bitching Camaro? The profit is currently preventing you from seeing my hot bod.
Why did you sell that car? I thought you loved it.
The guy who bought it loved it more.
So how much did we make? Start plucking and find out.
The dollar values increase as you approach the target area.
I-I'm gonna let you approach your own target area.
That's a far too familiar trip.
Anyway, we're up about 2000.
Well done.
So what are we going to do with it? You know, besides, uh, shave it.
Well, we're gonna put it in the retirement fund.
We're this much closer to dying with a nice boat.
So now let's do something that may not be legal.
But it's definitely tender.
Oh! Hey, Dad.
Great, I'll just stand here like this.
Oh, good, do you like it? He's thanking us for the new laptop we sent them.
Oh, by the way, we sent them a new laptop.
Yeah, what? Well, it doesn't matter how much it cost.
Dad Dad, please don't return it.
Okay.
Well, y-you can do whatever you want.
All right, bye-bye.
God, it was a gift, it's not his business how much it cost.
How much did it cost? You know, he has worked hard his whole life.
Can't they ever just enjoy their money? My mom can't use a tea bag without wrapping it in foil and using it three more times.
Does that work? I mean, save some, sure.
But, God, you gotta enjoy your life.
Uh, it's just their Midwestern way of thinking.
There's nothing wrong with appreciating the value of a dollar.
Speaking of appreciating a dollar.
You know what? We're not gonna put that money away for our future.
Okay, look, this is just a reaction to your dad.
And it's not sensible.
That's the point.
Let's just not be sensible for once.
Let's spend it all on one fabulous, luxurious night.
Audrey, finance is my business.
I warn my clients against this kind of thing all the time.
Against what? Enjoying their money? No, against listening to their wives.
Come on.
That's the house's money.
And I'm pretty sure the house does not want it back.
I don't know.
No.
Please, just do this.
Just don't be like my father.
All right, I won't be like your father.
But that doesn't preclude me from spanking you if you've been a bad girl.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * You know what? I like it.
I think it's a great idea to treat yourself to a wild, crazy, expensive night once in a while.
It is.
We deserve it.
Oh, you're bringing her? Why? It was my idea.
We're having a limo take us to dinner at Soirée, and then to a five-star hotel.
Soirée? La-dee-da.
Jeff just went down there and slipped the maître d' some money.
What? Yeah, they only say that they're booked so you gotta tip them to get in.
That's how they get you.
Mm-hm.
All right, none of that attitude when we go out, please.
What attitude? Your attitude about money.
You're always saying things like: "That's how they get you.
" And: "Oh, don't fall for the crème brûlée scam.
" It's burnt pudding.
Mm.
I don't want to hear any of that on our night out, please.
You sound just like my dad.
Why? Am I begging you not to marry me? I can't believe you guys have a whole night planned and I, the only actual fun person, has nothing to do.
Why, where's the rest of the lollipop guild? No, no, no.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
No.
Hey.
How was your check up? All good.
Yes, the doctor concurred with the results of my breast exam.
Congratulations on marrying an eighth grader.
By the way, Audrey, on the doctor's form I put you down as my "in case of emergency" person.
Oh.
No problem.
Why would you do that? In case there's an emergency.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
But I'm gonna be your husband.
I should be your "in case of emergency" guy.
Adam, I love you and there are so many things you are great at.
But being responsible with your cell phone is not one of those things.
Okay.
You know what? Starting right now, I'm gonna have my phone on me and turned on at all times.
In fact What's this, huh? Your iPod.
Forty-two minutes past our reservation.
Would you relax, we're not in a hurry.
Well, they only say that your table's not ready so you have to wait at the bar and buy a drink.
That's how they What, Jeff? That's how they what? That's how they pamper you the way you deserve.
Thank you.
Sir, ma'am, your table is ready.
Well, we're not.
It's the table's turn to wait.
Sir? He's just kidding.
I was just funning with you.
Let me take care of this tab.
Uh, there's no charge for the drinks.
We apologize for the wait.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you.
Just out of curiosity, how far away were we from another round? Now he's not kidding.
What are you doing here on a Saturday night? Oh, to be honest, I'm pouting because I have nothing to do.
Well, maybe it's good to have a little alone time.
I already had two alone times today before I got here.
Check it out.
Adam's cell phone.
He left it at the apartment, after all that big talk about being responsible.
Oh, that doesn't sound like him.
It's such an un-handsome thing to do.
Well, I guess he'll never learn.
Order me a coffee.
Got you.
Oh, hey, can I get a, uh What did she want? Uh, just give me a piece of pie.
Oh, hey, genius.
Hey.
Get this, I lost my cell phone.
No, actually I'm pretty sure I left it in a taxi.
You did? After you promised Jen? Wow, this is gonna be a huge problem.
I know, I know.
I know, she'll probably never let me hear the end of this.
Uh, what to do? What? Okay, seriously what to do.
Um, you know what? I have an idea.
Why don't you go outside to a pay phone, and call your cell.
And then if the cabbie finds it, he'll answer it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then I get it back before Jen knows it's gone.
Yes.
All right.
Oh.
Wait, why can't I just use your cell phone? You know what? I left it at home.
And it's so stupid of me.
Hey, don't feel bad, I do that too.
Ah, I take great comfort in that.
Anyway thanks for the idea.
No, thank you, man.
Ah, ha-ha.
Oh.
Thank you.
Wait, where's my coffee? Oh, wait, that's right.
Uh, excuse me, can I get a scoop of ice cream on this? As a woman I don't like to hear this word, but I have to say you're a douche.
You're gonna be thanking this douche because Adam was just here, and he thinks he left his cell phone in a cab.
So he went to a pay phone to call it.
But he didn't leave it in a cab, you have it there.
Trust me.
This sounds weird but you're gonna like it.
I just got a flash of what it feels like to be on a date with you.
Hello? Yes, I found this phone in my cab.
No, I didn't find a little bag of licorice.
No, listen, if you want a phone, go meet me at The Grease Pit on West 4th and Horatio.
My name? Yes, it's Pie Al La Mode.
Okay, see you there.
Pie Al La Mode? Didn't phase him at all.
So what's The Grease Pit? It's a big old lesbian bar.
How do you know the address of a lesbian bar? Sometimes it's just nice to be the prettiest one in the room.
Uh, yes, that's it.
That is the one my husband mispronounced.
That men's room is unbelievably nice.
I almost felt bad doing my business in it.
That's really great, seeing you actually enjoying yourself tonight.
Well, when I was talking to Ricky, my hand towel caddy, I I thought Audrey's right.
We do deserve to live it up once in a while.
That's the spirit.
It's not just the food and the wine that you're buying.
It's the service and how you're treated.
It makes me feel like Like a king? I was gonna say that Monopoly guy.
He's got that monocle, the top hat, the bags with the dollar signs on them.
That fictional bastard knows how to live.
I'm thirstier than that.
That's a good one.
Here you go, and there's more where that came from.
Just don't ask where it came from.
That'll play.
Thank you again for doing this.
Thank you for suggesting it.
And you really do look very pretty tonight.
To living the good life.
Hey, Jeff.
Oh, Stewart.
You remember Audrey? Oh, my God, Lac Rouge? Ha, I guess business is going well.
I do all right.
Thinking about buying a monocle.
Is it as complex as they say? You just have to hold it in your eye.
I meant the wine.
Oh.
Why don't you, uh, try it for yourself? Excuse me, can I get a glass for my compadre here? Wow, thanks.
I've never tasted a $1500 bottle of wine before.
Hold on a minute.
What do you mean 1500 dollars? Oh, that's what this bottle costs.
My wife and I were just looking at the wine list and talking about it.
Put it down.
Put the glass down.
And walk away.
It's not a misprint.
The wine you ordered was $1500, not 150.
Let me see that.
One-fifty.
One-fifty.
Oh! There it is, 1500.
Why didn't you bring your reading glasses? I didn't have time to grab them.
Oh, but you had plenty of time time to glue two grand to your naked body.
Fifteen hundred dollars? All right, look, don't panic.
Let me just talk to this guy.
Excuse me.
This wine is not to our liking.
But sir, when you tasted it you assured me that it would "play.
" Right.
But after that first taste, it turned.
I doubt that.
Oh, really? Wouldn't you agree that in the life of every wine, there's a moment when it turns? Worst Law &Order ever.
May I? Please.
The wine is fine, sir.
Then I would like that sip taken off of our bill.
Hey, excuse me.
Uh, I'm looking for a guy named Pie Al A Mode.
A guy? No, you're You're the only guy in here.
Really? What about him? Her.
Are you ? You sure? Yes.
So what is it? Is it? It's, like, ladies night? Yeah, every night is like ladies night.
Oh.
Ohh.
Okay, this isn't the end of the world.
I mean, our goal was to only spend the house's money and so far, that's all we've done.
Let's just get the check.
You sure you don't want some dessert? I'd be happy to take out a second mortgage.
Excuse me, the check, please.
Oh.
Right away.
What are you using your calculator to figure out what the tip is on infinity? No, I'm cancelling the hotel.
It's good thinking.
Yeah.
You would've ruined it for me, anyway.
What are you talking about? Oh, come on.
We'd have to pay for the hotel with our money.
You had a hard enough time enjoying yourself when it was the house's money.
Reservations, please.
Just like my dad.
I am not like your dad.
Oh, please.
I'd say you were two sides of the same coin, but I'm afraid you'd accuse me of wasting that coin on a metaphor.
Yes, we need to cancel a reservation for tonight.
Hang up.
What? We're not cancelling.
We're going to that hotel.
You don't have to do this to prove a point.
I'm not.
I'm doing it to treat myself to some luxury.
Come along if you think you can handle it.
Oh, I can handle it.
We're on our way.
I will be loving that hotel.
Not as much as me.
A-ha.
We'll see.
Yes, we will see.
Mm-hm.
Uh, okay, not so bad.
Oh.
Well, see, he did take off that sip.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why are we bailing Adam out? Let's screw with him some more.
No, your plan didn't work, he didn't call.
No, but the dope probably lost his dialing finger.
Look, he's been in there for two hours, he's suffered enough.
* Oh, oh, ohh * * Tainted love *.
Oh, my God.
* Now I know I've got to *.
I've got some bad news.
Your dude's gone lesbo.
* Run away, I've got to * * Get away * * You don't really want it *.
Hey, Russell, Jen! Hey, hold on, I'll be right down.
* You need someone To hold you tight * * And you'll think love Is to pray *.
All right, ladies, one for four, not bad.
What are you guys doing here? Uh It was Russell's idea.
Oh.
Oh, so you pretended to be Pie Al A Mode.
Oh, I just got that.
I actually found your phone.
So, what's the point of all this? We were trying to teach you a lesson about your phone.
Button up your shirt, let's get out of here.
Now, see? That's just a waste.
Adam, you're not leaving, are you? Because we got another round coming.
Yeah.
Why do they love you so much? Well, because a while ago Melanie here started choking on some nuts.
Ironic.
Why is that ironic? Because it's not.
Anyway, I swung into action, dove across the bar, and gave her the Heimlich.
He saved her life.
Mm-hm.
Honey, that is impressive.
Isn't it? There was an emergency and I came to the rescue.
All right, I get it.
You will be my "in case of emergency" person from now on.
Thank you.
And you may or may not regret it.
All right, let's get out of here.
I feel like a sausage in a vegetarian restaurant.
Hey, Russell, this place is kind of fun.
Come on, one drink.
I guess we could have the one.
All right, all right.
Jen? Patty Miller, from college.
Remember spring break, we shared that cabin? * Tainted love *.
Hey, there.
That's crazy.
How about that? Running into someone you know here.
That's It's really good to see you.
We gotta go.
Hey.
What did you guys do in the cabin? Hi.
Was there a Jacuzzi? Hey! Was there a Jacuzzi? You wanna reenact it? Don't leave.
Hey! Oh, that champagne in the limo was tasty.
Yeah? Glad you liked it, because it wasn't included.
It's a lot extra.
Oh, well, then it's a thing you were in the limo with me instead of your dad.
May I help you? Reservation under Bingham.
Ah, yes, here we are.
Should I put the balance on the same credit card? Balance? No, I thought I already paid for the room.
Uh, you paid a deposit of $350.
That is half the price of the room.
Half? Is that a problem for you? No.
I think that sounds like a fair price for "an economy double with obstructed view of the street.
" Excellent.
Wait a minute.
Oh, is that a problem for you? Sure is.
I don't want an obstructed view.
How much for a room overlooking the Park? Ah! Sounds good to me.
That is this one right here, sir.
Wow.
Are you saying that we should settle for an obstructed view, because we're only gonna be here for 12 hours? Actually, our check-out time is Nine hours? No.
I was just noticing that if we upgrade to the Club Level, we'll be able to enjoy a private butler.
Unless you think that's too much.
Butler us.
And may I arrange for some refreshments to be sent up to your suite? Sure.
How about some caviar? Great.
And some lobster.
And an in-room massage.
Oh, and some flowers.
And a shoe shine.
Actually, we have a complimentary shoe shine.
Then I don't want it.
Just more caviar.
All right.
Excellent.
And Vincent will show you to your suite.
Great.
I can't wait to see the view.
I can't wait to shovel down some caviar.
I am loving this.
Not as much as me.
Club level, Vincent.
No turning back now.
Ah! I can't do this.
Oh, thank God.
All right, tell me honestly, if I hadn't stop us, would you have gone through with it? I would have gone all the way.
Really? All the way to our suite, and then I would have faked a heart attack.
Oh, we have a message.
Hey, sweetheart, it's your dad.
Just wanted you to know we returned that fancy computer.
We'll be sending you the money back.
Okay, my minute's almost up, gotta go.
Well, he returned it.
No surprise there.
Well, look, your dad is a good man.
He and your mom sacrificed so that you could have nice things, go to college.
And meet me.
I know.
And the part of the reason I love you is because you're a little like him.
Maybe a little bit.
And, hey, since he returned the laptop, we got another check coming our way.
More house money.
Yeah, maybe this time we should put it somewhere safe.
Agreed.
I'll go get the glue stick.