Seinfeld s03e12 Episode Script

Every mall has a Hoffritz in it.
That's got to be a scary place to work.
I don't know how you feel.
Do you want to stand there having people going: "l need knives.
I need more knives.
Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife.
A big, long, sharp knife.
That's what I'm in the market for.
I like them really sharp.
Do you have one with hooks and gouges and blades that are kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for.
I need one I can throw.
I need one I can hack away with.
Do you have anything like that?" Like you know what you're talking about.
Oh, no.
You do? Well, what do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France? Think they brought it in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table? What's going on? It's a little early for a Christmas party.
-Why'd France give that to us anyway? -lt was a gift.
Countries just exchange gifts like that? If they like each other.
-There's Elaine.
-See that guy she's talking with? -That's her new boyfriend.
-Really? He works here in the office? They're having a little fling, so don't say anything to anyone.
Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about.
You don't.
He's a recovering alcoholic.
-Really? -He's been off the wagon two years.
-"Off the wagon"? -I think it's "off the wagon.
" I think it's "on the wagon.
" Jerry, George, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? My God! My watch! You found my watch.
Keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.
-Where'd you find it? -Under the sofa cushion.
-You stopped by just to give it to me? -It's your Christmas present.
-I thought I'd never find it.
-Today's your lucky day.
No, today is your lucky day.
-lt would be my first one.
-You want to work here? -What? -Yeah.
One of the readers just left.
There's a job opening.
Dick, this is Jerry.
And this is George.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
-ls this the guy? "The guy"? -Dick.
-How can you just get it? My boss said to find someone.
I'm in charge.
All you have to do is meet him.
Come on.
-No, come on.
Hold my drink.
-Cranberry juice? And vodka.
Come on.
I got the cranberry juice.
So -you're Jerry.
-So I'm Jerry.
So have you ever done this kind of work before? Well, you know, book reports, that kind of stuff.
-Who do you read? -I like Mike Lupica.
Mike Lupica? He's a sportswriter for the Daily News.
-I find him very insightful.
-No, I mean authors.
Well a lot of good ones.
Lot of good ones.
I don't even wanna mention anybody because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out.
-Name a couple.
-Who do I like? I like Art Vandalay.
-Art Vandalay? -He's an obscure writer.
Beatnik, you know, from the village.
What's he written? Venetian Blinds.
I got news for you.
I'm funnier than you are.
Why don't we get together New Year's, watch some football? -Where's my drink? -There.
So how'd it go? I think he's impressed.
No, no, this is just cranberry juice.
I think maybe Dick picked up yours.
Dick? He can't drink.
He's an alcoholic.
I told you to hold it.
I didn't know you meant hold it.
I thought you meant hold it.
One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon.
Told you.
I never feel comfortable in the women's department.
I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.
Do I really have to buy her something? The woman got you a job.
Least you could do is buy her a gift.
How about this? -What is that, cashmere? -Yeah.
She loves cashmere.
Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person that doesn't like cashmere.
It's too expensive.
Wow, look at this.
It's $85, marked down from 600.
-Excuse me, miss? -Yes.
How come this sweater's only $85? Oh, here.
This is why.
-What? I don't see anything.
-See this red dot? -Oh, yeah.
-Oh, it's damaged.
It's not really damaged.
Wow.
$85? There's no exchanges on this.
-Think she'd care about the dot? -It's hard to say.
I don't think she'd notice.
Can you see it? -Well, I can see it.
-But you know where it is.
-What do you want me to do, not look? -Pretend you didn't know it was there.
-Can you see it? -It's hard to pretend -because I know where it is.
-Can't you take an overview? You want me to take an overview? I see a cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something.
That's my overview.
-Yeah, so? -He's acting very strangely.
I think he started drinking again.
-Oh, boy.
Can you smell it? -No, I can't smell it.
If you can't smell it, then he hasn't been drinking.
-You don't always smell from a drink.
-Yes, you do.
What about one drink? Would you smell from one drink? Yes, you would.
-I'll prove it.
-How? -Would you do me a favour? -Okay.
Would you take a drink, and let us smell you? You can smell me without the drink.
No, no.
I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking, but I can't smell it.
-Come on.
-Okay.
Well, what am I drinking? I got a bottle of Scotch my uncle gave me.
Hennigan's.
It's been there two years.
I've been using it as a paint thinner.
All right.
-I don't smell anything.
-We're too close to the bottle.
-Yeah? -It's George.
-Come on up.
-That is damn good Scotch.
I could do a commercial for this stuff.
Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth and afterwards, you don't even smell.
That's right, folks.
I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell.
Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day.
That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.
-Hello, everybody.
-Hey, George, come here.
I'm gonna tell you what I think.
I know you don't care what I think, but I'm gonna tell you.
I think that you are terrific.
That's all.
Thank you.
-Hey, what's that? -It's an early Christmas present.
-A Christmas present? -That's right.
-For who? -For you.
Get out of here.
Say you got a big job interview and you're nervous.
Throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time.
And because it's odourless, why, it'll be our little secret.
Kramer.
Yeah.
That'll do.
Oh, George, this is beautiful.
Is this cashmere? -Of course it's cashmere.
-Oh, I love cashmere.
-Who doesn't? -Oh, my God.
George, this must have cost a fortune.
Money.
Jerry, how could you let him spend so much? I tried to stop him.
I couldn't.
He just wants to make people happy.
George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.
Good.
Good.
Listen, take it off.
You're gonna wear it out already.
It's for special occasions, this thing.
What's that red dot on your sweater? -What? -Listen, take it off.
I'm getting hot just looking at it.
What is this? It's like a red dot.
What? What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry, come here for a second.
Do you see anything here? I don't know.
I don't know.
-What don't you know? -I don't know.
Well, do you see it, or don't you? Say that again.
Do you see it, or don't you? Do I see it or don't l? That's the question.
Now, what did you ask me again? You're still here? You're a dynamo.
-I can't believe I get paid for this.
-God.
I'll see you tomorrow.
-How you doing? -Hello.
You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you? How did you do that? Hennigan's.
Hennigan's? I was sitting there in the office, and the cleaning woman comes in.
I've always been attracted to cleaning women.
Cleaning women, chambermaids.
Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.
-Why is that? -It's a woman in your room.
-So go ahead.
-So she starts vacuuming, back and forth, back and forth her hips swivelling her breasts.
Convulsing? -Convulsing? -I don't know.
I'm trying to help you.
So then I asked her if she wanted a drink.
-You don't drink.
-I couldn't think of anything else to say.
-So you started drinking.
-So we started drinking, and.
I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia but the next thing I knew, she was mopping the floor with me.
-And how was it? -The sex was okay but I threw up from the Hennigan's.
Good thing the cleaning lady was there.
Dick was fired.
You mean to tell me, I put that drink six inches over to the right -and this wouldn't have happened? -You knew he was an alcoholic.
-Why'd you put the drink down? -What are you saying? -I'm not saying anything.
-Yes, you are.
-What could I be saying? -You must be saying something.
If I was, I would have said it.
-Say it.
-I said it.
-What did you say? -Nothing.
It's exhausting being with you.
-Yeah.
-It's George.
-Come on up.
-Hey.
Let me ask you something.
Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? -Okay.
You just gave me the answer.
-No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
I saw your expression.
I didn't have an expression.
I have a deviated septum.
I have to-- I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.
How much did he save? Frankly, I am shocked that you could ask such a question of me.
If l-- The only surprise was how you could even think of that.
That's what you were seeing.
I have to talk to you.
This cleaning woman's turning the screws on me.
She's pushing for this whole relationship thing.
She keeps calling me.
She's threatening to go to the boss.
I could lose my job.
I gotta keep her quiet.
Elaine's in the bathroom.
She's wise to the red-dot thing.
She's asking me all kinds of questions about it.
-Did you tell her anything? -No.
-You swear? -I'm not swearing.
I don't wanna swear.
-Come on, swear.
-No.
-Oh, you told her, didn't you? -No.
Hey, George, did you buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount? What? -Did I what? -You did, didn't you? Elaine, I'm shocked.
I'm shocked.
Here I go out, in the spirit of the season and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks I get at Christmas.
-Well, Jerry told me that you did.
-You told her? How could you tell her? What kind of friend are you? I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot.
She tricked you.
Elaine, you don't understand.
I had a 103 temperature when I bought that sweater.
I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere.
I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it.
I couldn't distinguish one red dot from the other.
I couldn't afford anything.
I have nothing.
I haven't worked for a really long time.
I mean, look, I have no clothes.
Look at what I'm wearing.
It was just a little red dot.
A little red dot.
-This is for you.
-Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh, I knew you cared for me.
As you care for me, which is why it's very important that you never breathe a word to anyone about.
You know? What with Clarence Thomas and everything.
-Okay.
Can I open it now? -Yes, of course.
Go ahead.
My guess is you're gonna like this very much.
-ls that cashmere? -Of course it's cashmere.
Oh, a cashmere sweater.
Oh, Georgie Porgie.
Just a little something for Christmas.
When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town.
And he was wearing the softest, most beautiful sweater.
I said, "What do you call this beautiful fabric?" And he said: "They call it cashmere.
" I repeated the word.
"Cashmere, cashmere" and I asked him if I could have it and he said: "No.
Get away from me.
" And he started to walk away.
Oh, but I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the streets.
And then he kicked me with the other foot and he threw some change at me.
But I didn't want the change, Georgie.
I wanted the cashmere.
I had a feeling you would like it.
-I'm going to try it on.
-No.
Don't try it on now.
Try it later.
Oh, look, it fits beautiful.
All right, take it off.
You're gonna ruin it.
What's this? I was in a men's room the other day.
They had the hand blower instead of the paper towels.
You know this thing? I like the hand blower, I have to say.
Takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench, you want to spend as much time as you can.
The only stench is coming from you.
Oh, well, wait a second.
I believe we have a heckler, ladies and gentlemen.
Dick, I don't know what your problem is.
It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.
It's "off the wagon.
" In the old days, how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? -I don't know.
-On a wagon.
Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? You can't drink on a wagon.
It's too bumpy.
They had smooth trails.
What about the Cumberland Gap? What the hell do you know about wagons? I know enough not to get on them.
I'm gonna get right to the point.
It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office.
Is that correct? -Who said that? -She did.
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me when I started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon.
You know, because I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you, people do that all the time.
You're fired.
Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
I want you out of here by the end of the day.
What about the whole Christmas-spirit thing? Any flexibility there? No.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
She wanted me to give you this.
You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman.
You never had sex in the office before? No.
I once made out with someone, but that's it.
Okay.
All right.
So you made out.
-Well, that's not sex.
-Kissing is sex.
Kissing is not sex.
-George.
-Jerry.
Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? -No.
-George? Over here.
What are you doing here? I'm taking the kid out to dinner to cheer him up.
Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place? I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
So George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.
Nice try.
So guess who heckled me at the club last night.
Merry Christmas! -Oh, my God, that's Dick.
-Dick? Dick! It's Cape Fear.
Hide.
Hide under the desk.
-Move over.
-Get off of me.
-I have no room.
-My foot's sticking out.
Shut up.
He's coming.
Is that cashmere? Of course it's cashmere.
What's this? But, in a way, I think I inadvertently turned this guy into an alcoholic.
I hate being around alcoholics.
They're either saying how much they love you or how much they hate you.
Those are the two statements that scare me most.
But I think he's okay now because I don't know how he feels about me.
-He's finally off the wagon.
-You mean on the wagon.
Don't get smart.
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