The Golden Girls (1985) s03e12 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidant (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see (music) The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would sat (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Ma, if you didn't like the dress, you should have just told me.
I was trying to be helpful.
Asking if it came with a sign saying "Wide Load" is not being helpful.
I will never ever take you shopping with me again.
Fine, I'll shop at the mall by myself.
Then I'll be able to pee when I'm good and ready.
Dorothy, you found the dress for the banquet.
Oh, do you just adore it? Does it stir emotions deep within you? Could you just throw yourself down and die for it? It's a dress, Blanche, it's not the Alamo.
It must be pretty special.
It took you five weeks to find it.
That's because I'm hard to fit.
I can see that, Dorothy, I'm not blind.
I didn't mean anything by that, honey.
Actually, I tend to fall between sizes myself.
Usually, I'm smack dab between a four And a 16.
- Hi, girls.
- [Dorothy.]
Hi, Rose.
Oh, Dorothy, is that your dress for the museum fundraiser? - Uh-huh.
- Well, let's see it.
Oh, all right, but I warn you, it is very simple.
Well, what do you think? I think you're my best friend, so let's change the subject.
I think it's beautiful.
Exactly what I would have picked.
That settles it.
It goes back tomorrow.
What are you wearing, Blanche? I'll probably grab some dazzling little number from my closet, that these people have not been privileged to see.
Maybe the red, sequined, strapless, backless, low-cut mini.
Why don't you just tie a scarf around your waist? [Dorothy.]
Oh, Ma, good news.
They changed the flavor of Haley's MO.
- I'm taking the dress back.
- So? So I'm sorry I lost my temper before.
And Ma, I really would like you to go with me and help me pick out a dress.
What do you say? What do I say? I'm your mother, Dorothy.
I was there for you when you needed a communion dress.
I was there when you needed a prom dress.
[Sophia.]
I was there when you needed a wedding dress.
And frankly, I'm sick of it.
Buy your own damn dress.
I'll be over at Mildred's.
Rose Nylund? No, if I start acting like her, pull the plug.
Rose Nylund.
Forty-three years and I'd know you anywhere.
Are you You're not Could you Buddy Rourke.
- Buddy Rourke! - Yeah.
Oh, Blanche, Dorothy, it's Buddy Rourke.
Oh, come on in.
Buddy, these are my two best friends, Dorothy and Blanche.
- How do you do? - Hi, there.
Buddy Rourke, after all these years.
You don't know who he is, do you, Rose? Haven't a clue.
Please, don't be embarrassed.
We never met before.
Then how exactly would you have known her anywhere? Charlie never stopped talking about her.
- You knew Charlie? - Yeah.
- Please, sit down.
- I served with your husband in the war.
Fort Bragg to Nottingham to Normandy and back, thank the Lord.
Charlie Nylund was one of the finest men I ever met.
[Buddy.]
I often wonder why he put up with a wise guy like me, from the backstreets of Boston.
I'm sorry I didn't know who you were, but Charlie didn't talk about the war.
I always hoped Charlie and I would hook up again one day.
But, uh, well, believe it or not, I never had the occasion to visit St.
Olaf.
Really? You mean, not even to change planes for St.
Gustav? Oh, you can't get to St.
Gustav by plane, Dorothy.
You have to go by toboggan.
Course, traveling in the summer is really rough on the old heinie.
It's a great way to rack up lots of frequent tobogganer mileage.
This is just amazing.
How did you ever find Rose after all this time? I got Rose's address from Charlie's army pension records.
And I realized a lifetime had passed and I never laid eyes on my old chum's favorite girl.
So, I made myself a promise.
If I was ever in the area, - I'd pay my respects.
- Would you stay for dinner? I'm making sweet and sour smelt kabobs.
Smelt kabobs.
Oh, darn, I had them for lunch.
Me too.
They served them on the plane.
And I'm awfully tired after the trip, but I was hoping that, uh, you might let me invite you to lunch tomorrow.
- That is, if you're free.
- Oh, that'd be wonderful.
And if you have time, I'd like to show you around Miami.
- I'll pick you up around noon.
- Great.
Ladies, it's been a pleasure meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Likewise.
Rose, you're every bit as lovely as the picture Charlie used to carry.
[Buddy.]
See you tomorrow.
- What a sweet man.
- Absolutely charming.
And he obviously idolized your Charlie.
And more importantly, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.
Oh, Blanche, don't be silly.
I merely checked it out and I noticed him giving me the eye.
Blanche, have you ever met a man you didn't think was giving you the eye? Once, in 1976.
But it was only two days later that Mr.
President Jimmy Carter announced to the American people he had secretly lusted in his heart.
[Rose.]
You can't be serious.
Charlie read you every one of my letters? Selected passages.
He selfishly kept the more intimate sections to himself.
One, please.
I used to write him every Sunday, after church.
That way I'd have all the latest gossip around town.
No, he read me the gossip.
In fact, and I remember there was some kind of a scandal.
Uh, with a neighbor, I think.
Uh, the name was, uh, let's see.
Oh, thank you.
Phineas Wigley? I can't believe you remember that.
Well, in all fairness, Phineas Wigley is a hard name to forget.
Oh, I know what you mean.
The Wigleys were a revered family.
Yeah, until the scandal.
Oh, it was just terrible.
The Navy came to town to take bids for a big submarine contract.
[Rose.]
They said they wanted three submarines built for a million.
Well, Finneas said he could make 100 for half the money.
So, of course, he got the contract.
[Rose.]
When the Navy came to check on the progress, six months later, they discovered there'd been a misunderstanding.
Finneas had made 100 hoagie heroes for $500,000.
He claimed the reason they were so expensive was he used all imported meats and cheeses.
You know, that story still tickles me.
Just as much as the first time Charlie told it to me.
It just amazes me, how much you know about my life with Charlie.
Rose I don't think you realize how very much you meant to him.
Or how very much you meant to me.
To you? I don't understand.
I didn't have a wife or a sweetheart back home.
And when Charlie would read me your letters, I felt like Well, that someone cared.
And that meant a lot to me.
[Buddy.]
I spent a long time searching for someone exactly like Rose Nylund.
I never found her.
And now I know why.
There's no one exactly like Rose Nylund.
- Oh, Buddy.
- Charlie carried those letters in his jacket through the war.
I carried them in my heart for a lifetime.
And I think I fell in love with the woman who wrote them.
Dorothy, you gonna show me the dress or not? - [Dorothy.]
Be right there.
- Get a move on.
If you hurry up, I can give you an honest unbiased opinion.
You'll still have time to return it before the mall closes tonight.
- Well, Ma, what do you think? - Pussycat, - you look sensational.
- You really think so, Ma? I really think so.
I've never seen you look so beautiful.
- Thanks, Ma.
- Who's the designer? He deserves a Nobel Prize for miracles.
Why do I even ask you? I'm your mother, I'm gonna tell you whether you ask me or not.
By the way, the sleeves are too long.
- I'll ask Rose to shorten them.
- If you can find her.
Ever since that guy hit town, she spends most of her time polishing his shillaly.
Ma, Rose and Buddy are just friends.
Sure, and Michael Jackson was born with that cleft in his chin.
[Blanche.]
Girls! Just wait until you see the little number I picked up for the museum banquet.
Here I come! - I don't believe it.
- [Stammering.]
It can't be.
Don't panic.
Pick up one for Rose, you can go as the Pointer Sisters.
You were going to wear something out of your closet.
Well, I was.
But as it turned out, nothing fit me.
What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend, you ate so many pudding pops, you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
That is not what I meant.
I meant everything just hangs on me.
Of course.
That's why you have to cover it with a dress.
All right, Dorothy, what are we gonna do about this? We are not going to do anything.
Blanche, it has taken me a whole month to find this dress, you are simply going to have to take yours back.
Dorothy, be reasonable.
This dress looks so much better on me than it does on you.
Hi, girls.
I love your dress.
- I am not taking mine back.
- I am not taking mine back.
Girls, I really need to talk to you.
This is crazy.
Since when do you care how you look? I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed.
Buddy's going back to Boston on Saturday.
This dress looks sensational on me.
People expect to see me in a sensational dress.
What do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty bag? He wants me to go with him.
To live with him.
And I think I might.
Rose, honey, you can't be serious.
- [Rose.]
Why not? - You hardly know the man.
I feel like I've known him all my life.
I talk to him about Charlie, I talk to him about St.
Olaf, I talk to him about my family, my animal friends, I talk to him about life on the farm If that man didn't get a medal in the war, he deserves one now.
[Sophia.]
Wait a minute! Did she just say "live with him"? That's right, Sophia.
Not marry him, live with him.
[All.]
Yes.
Two World Wars, a Polish pope and now this.
I may live to see CBS come up with a morning show yet.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, frankly, Rose, I think you're just rushing things.
But, I don't know.
Maybe it's better to live with Buddy than to just charge full steam ahead and marry him.
No, it isn't.
This is morally wrong.
It is epically offensive.
It's an out and out sin.
Why do I feel like I just fell through the looking glass? Blanche, how can you, of all people, say something like that? Well, Rose Nylund, I have never lived with a man without the benefit of marriage.
Excuse me, Blanche, I think what you mean is you have never lived with a man without benefit of room service.
Being with a man is not the same thing as living with a man.
You're right, Blanche.
Living with a man eliminates the need for an overnight bag and a stop at the drugstore.
And the need for marriage.
Family and tradition.
Not to mention wedding showers, catered affairs, the bridal registry at Burdines.
Well, I know what you mean, Blanche, but there's another side to this.
If I had lived with Stan before we got married I could have spared us both some very painful times.
And a bitter divorce.
And possibly given birth to reasonably attractive children.
It does seem like the right thing to do.
I'm comfortable with Buddy.
Everything seems so natural.
It's easier being with him because he already knows - so much about me.
- Yeah, but Rose, - do you love him? - I think so.
- What about money? - Everyone loves money.
Oh, I mean, have you talked about financial arrangements? If you were married, you could have a prenuptial agreement.
But just living together, all you can do is steal money out of his wallet while he's in the shower.
We've agreed to keep our finances separate.
- He insisted on it.
- That's good, at least.
He suggested that since we'll need a bigger place to live, I should give him my half of the money now before I get there.
So that it'll be our place, not his, right from the start.
Sounds like you've made up your mind.
I guess I have.
Oh, but I feel awful about leaving you guys.
I feel like I'm breaking up the Three Musketeers.
Honey, you go with your heart.
We just want you to be happy.
I am happy.
And I want you to be happy.
That's why I want you to settle this dress business.
Oh! There is nothing to settle.
Now, I am wearing this dress.
Dorothy! It deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body.
Who are you gonna send it to, Kim Basinger? What is that supposed to mean? Why don't you think about it while inhaling your next cheese cake.
How dare she imply that I overeat.
Makes me so mad! Oh, darn.
We're out of Chips Ahoy.
I'm gonna get out of this girdle and go down to the market for some cookies and bean dip.
Oh, hell, I'll just take the damn thing off in the car.
Oh, Blanche, I'm glad you're here.
I have something to tell you.
- What are you holding? - A new gown.
Oh, no! I wanted to be the nice one.
I bought a new dress too.
[Laughs.]
Mr.
Marty's? On Market Street? Where every dress is a guaranteed one of a kind original? If we have the same dress, Mr.
Marty's gonna be left with one of a kind.
Oh, thank goodness! Everything's all right.
Except for what I have to tell you.
It wasn't about the dress? It was about Rose and Buddy.
That business of giving him money has been bothering me.
So I've decided to do some checking on Buddy Rourke.
And after a couple of phone calls I found out he had just retired after 45 years in the records department of the Army Pension Office.
I don't get it.
That's how he knew about Charlie.
They never served together.
He just read his file.
But he knew all those things about Rose.
He knew that she came from St.
Olaf.
I mean, everything else, Rose probably volunteered.
You know her, a stranger says hello, and suddenly he's hearing the life story of Uncle Fingerbinger and his 30-pound rutabaga.
Then this is all just a scam to bilk Rose out of some money? Absolutely, and it is not the first time he's tried it.
Where is Rose? I mean, we have to tell her.
Dorothy, she said she had to go to the bank and then go to meet Buddy.
What are we gonna do? There's nothing we can do.
Wait until she gets home.
- Oh, good Lord.
- [Sophia.]
Hey, girls.
How do you like this spiffy little number I picked up? Sophia, that's the same dress I got.
Well, now you know how it should look.
[Rose.]
I wrote the kids about you.
- [Buddy.]
Really? - Oh, not about us.
About you.
About how you knew their father.
- They found it unbelievable.
- What do you mean? Well, that you and I finally met.
Oh, I thought you meant they wouldn't believe there were any dinosaurs still around - from World War II.
- Speaking of dinosaurs, did Charlie ever tell you about how they found the dinosaur bones right outside St.
Olaf? - Rose - Karl Nickerson was teaching his German shepherd to bury a herring bone.
- Karl was - Rose! You haven't even mentioned about moving to Boston.
Are you avoiding the subject? - I can't go with you, Buddy.
- But, Rose It wouldn't be fair.
I've given it a lot of thought and I realize, I'm not being honest with you.
- Or with myself.
- Rose, how could this be? - We've been so happy.
- Oh, I am happy.
Happy with the memories of Charlie that you rekindled.
Oh! Sometimes I put those memories too far away because I'm afraid they'll be painful.
It's the hardest on holidays or when I'm lying in bed, alone at night.
But remembering Charlie with you is wonderful.
I'm glad I met you, Buddy.
But I don't love you.
[Rose.]
I I'm sorry.
Listen, I went to the bank and I got something for you.
- It's a gold watch.
- It's Charlie's gold watch.
I want you to have it.
But this is a very expensive piece of jewelry.
Please, Buddy.
I think I've taken enough from you and Charlie already.
- What? - Listen, I hate emotional scenes.
I'm the only Irishman in Boston who avoids wakes and political rallies.
So, I'm just gonna run, you understand? - But Buddy - I'll write.
I will.
No, I won't.
I always say that.
I never do.
You take care of yourself, Rose.
You're a special lady.
[Opera plays.]
[Dorothy knocking.]
Ma? - Ma, I need to talk to someone.
- Sure, come in.
I can hear Pavarotti live from the Met anytime.
[Sophia.]
What's the problem? Ma, I'm upset about Rose.
Me too.
I thought I was finally gonna get a room with some sunlight.
I'm upset because we haven't told her the truth about Buddy.
Everything turned out all right.
She gave him the brush off, she didn't give him any money, - he didn't even take the watch.
- I know.
But we're letting her live with a lie.
So, a little lie gave her a lot of pleasure.
- What harm does that do? - Oh, I don't know.
- Then what's the problem? - It doesn't seem right.
Dorothy, let me tell you a story.
Picture it.
Sicily, 1922.
A young military officer stationed far from home.
He wanders the streets seeking a friendly face and a glass of Chianti.
Finally, he happens into a dusty little cafe where he finds both.
The man laughs for the first time in months.
And finds inspiration in a beautiful peasant girl, wise beyond her years.
When the cafe is closed, she takes him home with her.
Three glorious days, they make love and drink wine.
He returns to his command prepared to lead his people through whatever battles need to be fought.
Dorothy, that young peasant girl was me.
And that young man was Winston Churchill.
Ma, you made that whole thing up, now what is your point? That I made it up.
It was a little lie that gave me a lot of pleasure.
If Rose is happy, and there was no harm done, let her have that.
You know something, Ma You may be right.
[Turns on opera music.]
Good night, Charlie.
I love you.