Weeds s03e12 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds - Conrad, this is Celia.
I fucked a black man.
Conrad.
Just a little something to say thank you for all your help.
Welcome to your new home, Ms Hodes.
We'll have to keep it in the corporation's name for six months.
- I thought Dean was out of your life.
- He was till the handitard went and drove off of a cliff.
The surgery was successful, but he'll need several more.
There's no one else but you.
Oh, God.
- I have to sell the Majestic house.
- You can't sell the Majestic house.
If you try to sell it, the jig's up.
You'll go to jail for accepting a bribe.
- How you doing, baby? - I'm fuckin' pregnant again.
Some Indian kid I mercy-fucked for U-Turn.
- God bless the new Majestic! - I quit.
You make this easy for me, we can do it on the table.
- We need these votes.
- I'm thinking a golf membership.
Your membership's been revoked.
Sullivan Groff and this whole fucking place can kiss my black ass.
I'm an elected official! You were elected by a city that no longer exists.
This council is not finished looking into your questionable investment in Aguatecture.
Aguatecture.
You're soaking in it.
- What goes on here? - Fountains.
- Celia came to Aguatecture.
- What does she know? She knows you fucked her boyfriend and she knows you're dealing again and she'll be in touch.
# Little boxes all the same # And they all look just the same # All the same # And they all look just the same # You should be very afraid of me slut.
I watched you have sex with the best man I've ever known.
- You watched? - Yeah.
I've never been able to come vaginally.
How long did you watch? I want in.
I want in on your action you mean slut.
Cunt, whore bitch.
Coming down with Tourette's, Celia? I know everything you're doing and I will tell the police.
Wow! That would not be advisable.
Not taking my threat seriously would not be advisable.
Playing by the rules has gotten me nowhere but fucked.
So I am done.
And you will start paying for the many, many sins against me, in cash, right now.
OK.
In my line of work I realise that I'm susceptible to blackmail, shakedowns, whatever you wanna call it.
Up to now, I've been accommodating the extortionists in my life, but today - call it bad timing, call it karma - I've reached a tipping point, a critical mass, if you will, and I'm done.
No more.
So, Celia if you go to the police if you continue to threaten me or my family in any way, I will kill you.
I will kill you.
I will end your life.
Mom! Shane! Say hello to Mrs Hodes.
You are a fucking sociopath.
Thanks for stopping by.
Were you really going to kill her? She threatened Mommy, and we can't have that, so I had to scare her.
This is kind of how it's gonna be from now on, huh? Yeah I think it is.
What are we doing here? He promised me golf, promised me power then he bent me over and he fucked me up the ass, like an innocent altar boy alone in the vestry after services, lured by promises of juice and cookies.
Some vivid imagery there, Doug.
With his stupid hair.
What grown man has blond hair? All right, time to go.
Come with me.
We'll get Dean, sell some wacky.
No.
It's time for Doug to rise from the ashes.
I must reclaim what's rightfully mine, Andy, and I must fuck his shit up.
As God is my witness, I will get him.
Well, I see you're in the disturbing throes of revenge-scheming and you're not letting go, so I'm going to leave you to it.
Catch you later, man.
Victory will be mine, Andy.
Dumb-name will know my wrath.
The wrath of Doug.
It's comin'.
So now I come back once, twice a year, get a pastrami on rye down at Langer's, see the kids, see the grandkids.
Then I can't wait to get back to my place in Maui.
I got a girlfriend, name is Hepualaha'ole.
Roasts whole pigs in her backyard.
She's crazy.
Anyway, so, I get a call from the fire department, said they gotta do an inspection.
Said they left a bunch of cards, I said, "Come by tomorrow morning.
" - Tomorrow? - Yeah, gotta be tomorrow.
I'm going back to Hawaii tomorrow night and I promised them I would personally let them in.
I got a lotta buildings down here, Ms James.
I got to stay in good with the LAFD, huh? Mm.
Tomorrow? You got some illegals back there? Hey, everybody does, - it's the way business is done.
- Yeah.
Don't worry.
We'll come by in the morning, we'll be out of your hair by first bell.
No, it's not that.
It's just, er, we, erm You know, we work with polymers and resins You box 'em, you get 'em outta here, you pull 'em back in as soon as they're gone.
It's the cost of doing business, darling.
And what is this, huh, once a year? - It's not so bad.
- Mm.
Anyway, thank you for the coffee, it was absolutely delicious, - but I'm gonna send you some Kona.
- Ahh.
And I'm gonna see you in the morning, bright and early, huh? I love the, er - er - Yeah! Ahh.
Well, that didn't take too long.
You charm the slacks off the landlord, Heylia? He bringing the fire marshal up in here first thing tomorrow.
- We all goin' to jail.
- Holy shit.
Says it's every building, every year.
How the fuck you didn't know? How am I supposed to know about the fire marshal? You in charge, big man.
You supposed to find this shit out.
What do we do? Don't look at me.
I just work here.
Silas? All right, I'm coming right now.
Mommy's gotta go somewhere.
- Of course you do.
- There's an emergency.
- Can I come? - No.
You suck.
I know, but one day, I'm gonna make it all up to you.
I swear.
I'm gonna baby-sit your kids, give you the down payment for your first house, I'm going to send you to Europe after college.
Hey! We'll rent a house at the beach one summer, take walks.
We'll look back on this as the dark time.
- Where are you taking me? - Therapy.
- What kind of therapy? - Special therapy.
The doctor has you on a programme, I have your exercises charted - Damn.
- What? - Beer! if you jump ahead What kind of therapy requires beer? Regression therapy.
Takes you all the way back to high school.
- Ah! Cold! - Oh! You can feel that! Sorry.
And that's excellent.
Happy for you, man.
Take this and give it to the therapist so she knows what plan you've been on.
Parking close and partying hard.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye Dad.
- Mom's here.
- Yeah like I can wave my magic wand, make it all better.
We got eight hours till these plants need to be back under light.
To break it all down, find a new grow house and set it up again.
- So, where we taking it? - Where are we taking it? Uh-uh.
I'm just the buyer.
It's your crop.
You pay for it.
- Dying plant, coming through.
- That's bullshit.
You gave us money, we planted a crop with it.
The crop is yours.
Can't smoke it yet.
I suggest you find us some place to move it.
- Oh, so, you jump, and I'm the net.
- Pretty much.
Kinda strange little role reversal going on, huh? - Fuck you.
- Fine, fuck me.
But you got to find us someplace tonight, or we out of business.
Actually, you out of business.
I also need some people who can help, not stand there slack-jawed, arguing about who fucked up.
Shit.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Nope.
See that biker chick over there? She's been eyeing me for weeks.
I sell here all the time.
You are using me to get laid? You've been cooped up in that house for how long? Here's a chance for some exercise, some socialising.
You'll have fun.
- My bones are still healing.
- No, no, you'll be fine.
A lot of these guys got fucked up in Iraq and they're basically heads on sacks of numb meat.
But you, you can feel your lap, so you got total advantage.
- Ball in.
One more man.
- Got him.
Uh! - I don't know about this.
- Don't worry.
They'll go easy.
They're all high.
Your hospital has got to understand one thing, I have no money.
Fine, fine, turn it over to a collection agency.
They can take my fillings.
Have a nice fucking day.
- I need to discuss something with you.
- Do it out there.
- I'd prefer not to.
- If you think I'm gonna let you into my house after what you did See? I have knives, too.
Celia.
I need to rent your empty house.
- What for? - None of your goddamn business.
But I'll make it worth your while.
How worth my while? - Three grand a month.
- That doesn't even cover my nut.
- Fine, four.
- You wanna do something illegal with it.
- Five.
- Ten.
OK.
You want in on my action, you got it.
We need a grow house.
Can you deal with that? Fifteen.
And you have to use this house.
This house.
- Your other house is empty.
- And it's also in my name.
This house is still under some Sullivan shell corp bullshit name.
Slut.
OK.
Do we have a deal? I will have my stuff out by the end of the month.
No, I need it now, as in, right now.
Er, what about my furniture and Where do you want it? We'll move it anywhere you want.
You know what, fuck it.
It's only rental crap anyway.
Just stick it outside.
Hey, everything comes in here.
Right, if we doin' it, let's do it.
Back the truck up into the garage, we loadin' through the kitchen.
Nice to see you again, Celia.
Do I know you? Probably not.
- What the hell? - We're moving back to the old house.
- Why? - Because you need to be in a more wholesome environment.
- I'm Andy.
- Denise.
Andy, little help.
That's my buddy.
I brought him.
Andy? He's workin' it out.
He's getting his ass kicked into Tuesday.
- Oh, is it getting too hard to watch? - Oh, no, absolutely not.
Oh, really? Like a little dirt in our sandwich, do we? It's probably all about my father.
He was an amateur boxer.
Yeah.
I like a little dirt in my sandwich, too.
Probably all about my mother.
She was a terrible cook.
Denise, come on, let's go.
Gotta go.
Wait! At least leave me a glass slipper, something? Come on, sis.
Tonight? Shit, I have a very bad short-term memory.
You don't have a pen, do ya? Oh, sorry, baby.
No pen.
Hope to see you later.
Hi, I'm Isabelle.
- Hi, Isabelle.
Vaneeta.
- Heylia.
Good to meet you both.
Good luck with the operation.
Thank you! Ain't that a nice little girl? I think I seen her on TV.
- Isn't she that Huskeroo girl? - Yeah? She look thinner in person.
- You think they pad her for that? - Trust me, they don't pad her.
Hey, you the crazy bitch drowned our weed.
- The fuck you doin'? - All right, take it easy.
I'm on yo' side now.
- Where do you want these, Conrad? - Over there.
Clinique, just hear me out.
Ain't nothing to say, faggot, except, "Send money.
" Maybe we should get married.
Uh! Uh! Where the fuck is it? I have no idea what you're talking about.
What kind of man tears a cross off the roof of a church? A house of God? An impressive one, I'm guessing.
That's a big fucking cross.
It's not just a cross, it's an $80,000 piece of art, a Nathan Arnault original, registered.
So if anyone were to try to sell it, say, it's traceable.
Hey, I went to bed early tonight.
Care to join me? Ohhh you're cute when you're mad.
You're fucking with the wrong man.
- I promise I'll be gentle.
- Your wife dumped you.
You're living out of your goddamn office pulling lame fraternity pranks.
You're pathetic, Wilson.
I'll send you a bill for that bong, Sully.
That was hand-blown glass.
Everyone's taxes are gonna smell like bong water now.
Fuck.
Hi.
Come on in.
Oh, ho ho ho! Whoa! This is Ripper.
Sit.
Hey, Ripper.
Uh please don't eat my remaining toes.
Well - This the guy? - Andy, meet Chess.
Hey, what's up? All righty.
Ahh look.
He's got a card.
Hmm.
Ahh OK.
Ouch.
OK.
It's cool.
I'm cool, unarmed, pro-gun control.
What's going on? Hey, Chess, would you like some, er or is this disapproval that'll morph into ass-kicking? Please tell me you wanna smoke out.
Ripper, come here.
Oh Ah-ha-ha.
Yeah, you got a good grip there? - Where do you get it? - Where do I get it? Er, downtown, I buy downtown, corner of Pico and Alvarado, erm, from different guys, whoever's on the corner.
A guy named Pablo, a guy named Ortiz.
There's Ramón, too.
Ramón's got a scar across his forehead Knife wound, self-inflected.
So the story goes.
Pablo plays mandolin, same song over and over.
- Maybe I can save you a trip.
- Really? How's that? Denise, hold Ripper.
Come here.
Sit.
Denise, new friend of mine, what the fuck is goin' on? Don't worry.
It's all cool.
Hey, look at that.
So, you wanna buy from me? You know, I'm good right now, but if I'm ever running low I'll tell you what, why don't you let Ms Botwin know it's available if she's interested? I mean, after all, we're local.
- It's the right thing to do.
- Right, yeah.
Makes perfect sense.
I'll tell the boss.
OK.
- You can go now.
- But, er Denise'll call you.
She thinks you're funny.
Oh.
OK, then.
- This was fun.
- Ain't done yet.
Gotta get rid of that generator, figure out a way to tap the power lines, surround the house with rosemary, lavender, ward off the smell.
We got a whole fucking load of work ahead of us.
Can't we just move them back after the fire marshal comes? Not for at least two weeks.
We lost 20 in the move.
This here's like a halfway house for traumatised plants.
Gotta let 'em relax awhile.
You can use my crew if you want.
Might have to.
Don't know how the family gonna take to commuting.
Heylia gets carsick, Vaneeta's got road rage.
Mm, there goes our road trip to Las Vegas.
What about you? You OK? You need a place to sleep? Sleep? I'm a black man living on a golf course.
I'm about to spark up the barbecue, make mojitos.
How's Silas doing? Boy's gifted.
Got a future if he chooses to go this way.
Yeah.
Do you think I'm a bad person? I don't think you're a bad person.
No? No.
Thanks.
# Swing - What about now? - # Like a chariot # At the trumpet call # When we're all unsaved # Swing, like a wrecking ball # Like the heart of God, what a mystery # Filled with the wedding feast # For the snakes and beasts # With our angel teeth # Swing, come and carry us # Come and marry us # To the blushing circus king # Now he's one of us # Plays the tambourine # Breaks the bread for us and sings # Will you wait for us? Will you stay for us? # Will you grace us everything - You're fucking evil.
- # You're a wrecking ball # With a heart of gold # We will wait for it to swing # Like a chariot # Swinging low for us # Come and carry us away # Fire, come and carry us # Make us shine or make us rust # Tell us that you care for us # Need to hear a word for us # Let you body stand with us # And let our ribs return to dust # Chariot, you swing for us, # We think that you can carry all of us #