Big Bang Theory s03e13 Episode Script

Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat.
You know, just the guys.
Oh, God.
Yes, we get it.
You have a girlfriend now.
-A little jealous, are we? -No, I'm not jealous.
All right, I'd kill a hobo if it would get me laid.
Now, can we order? Oh, dear Lord, they redid the menu.
So what? It's the same food.
Oh, is it? Look at this.
General Tso's Chicken is no longer listed under "specialties.
" It's now under "chicken.
" -So? -Yes, General Tso.
Not "Tso" the chicken, "so" the question.
-So? -So why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here.
"Shrimp in mobster sauce.
" What is mobster sauce? -It's obviously a typo.
-Perhaps.
Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organized crime.
For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
No, no, no.
I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
It doesn't mean any of that.
It's a typo.
-You know what? Let's just get a pizza.
-Good idea.
We'll go to Corleone's.
Sure, no mobsters there.
You know, the more I think about it the mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.
LEONARD: And why is that? -It was listed under "seafood.
" What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes? Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not? LEONARD: What the--? -The TV is gone.
-So are our laptops.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! It's all right.
They didn't take my comic books.
They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard drives our PS2, our PS3, our Xbox, our Xbox 360, our classic Nintendo our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64, and our Wii.
We like games.
Right, games.
They took "Halo 1," "Halo 2," "Halo 3," "Call of Duty 1," "Call of Duty 2" "Call of Duty 3," "Rock Band" "Final Fantasy I" through "IX," "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess," "Super Mario Bros.
" "Mario & Sonic at the Winter Olympics" and "Ms.
Pac-Man.
" Assorted video games.
When does the CSI team get here? -What? -In anticipation of their arrival I've bagged some evidence.
One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home.
You should be able to pull prints off this.
Here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.
-What about me? -I'm sorry, Leonard it's too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.
Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him? I'd be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
I'm not crazy.
My mother had me tested.
We're done.
Call this number, and we'll fax you a copy of the report.
You can submit it to your insurance company.
I'm sorry, that's the end of your inquiry? Do you have any more information that might be relevant? Goodness.
Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a restatement of the quantum measurement problem.
How's that going to help them? They could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a restatement in the next couple of months.
If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.
Good night, fellas.
Come on, Bochco.
What are we supposed to do now? The only thing we can do: Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.
Does that mean you've ruled me out as a suspect? Oh, how I wish I could.
[MUMBLES.]
[GROANING.]
I do not have to urinate.
I am the master of my own bladder.
Drat.
I can't believe it.
If I hadn't been working the dinner shift I would've run right into the robbers.
Hey, there's no reason for you to be scared.
I'm not scared.
I would've gone all Nebraska on their asses.
[KNOCKING.]
SHELDON: Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
-Leonard and Penny.
-Hand me the bat.
We just had a major crime in the building and you open the door without asking who it is? It won't happen again.
What's up? Nothing.
Just wanted to see if you were both okay.
We're fine, Sheldon.
All right, then.
-Good night.
PENNY: Good night.
-Well, that was weird.
Even for him.
-Mm.
[KNOCKING.]
SHELDON: Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
Who is it? Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper.
-Yes? -May I come in? Yeah.
I see you're drinking wine.
Yes, we are.
And we're about to go to bed.
Uh-huh.
Sheldon, do you wanna sleep here tonight? As small as Leonard is I don't think the two of you would be comfortable on the couch.
-So, what do you want? -It's not what I want.
It's what evolution wants.
Human beings are primates.
Primates have evolved to live in groups both for protection and support.
But you don't like other people.
I do tonight.
It's scary over there.
It's getting scary here too.
Um.
"Three Little Kittens"? "Three Little Pigs"? [SIGHS.]
God, I don't know.
Star Wars? [BELL DINGS.]
Did we win? Can we go to bed? Good Lord, I could not have made this easier.
A hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus P, "higs.
" Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone "bow-zone.
" Pear, tickle, "pear-tickle.
" "Higgs boson particle.
" How could you not get that? He's right, Penny.
It's all there.
Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you're feeling insecure -but we've really gotta go to sleep.
-All right.
I'll take the first watch and wake you at 0400.
-Great.
Good night.
-Wait, wait.
What's 0400? LEONARD: Four a.
m.
-That's, like, in 45 minutes.
Just keep walking.
WOMAN [ON VIDEO.]
: It's quiet out there.
MAN: Maybe a little too quiet.
WOMAN: Where are you going? MAN: Just gonna take a look around outside.
Bad idea.
WOMAN: No, Jim, don't open the door.
Listen to her, Jim.
[DOOR CREAKS ON VIDEO.]
MAN: Don't worry.
There's no one out there.
[SCARY MUSIC PLAYS AND WOMAN SCREAMS ON VIDEO.]
[KNOCKING.]
SHELDON: Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
LEONARD: Who is it? All right.
We've got a titanium deadbolt and a reinforced jam controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.
-What if they cut the power? -There's a 200-watt -uninterruptible backup power supply.
-If someone steals my keys? There are independent voice and fingerprint scanners.
What if somebody kidnaps me, records my voice and then cuts off my thumb? I'll send them a basket of muffins.
Now, inside we've got motion detectors, infrared sensors and cameras connected to a server running state-of-the-art facial-recognition software.
Where did you get all this stuff? I got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.
-He just gave it to you? -I'm sure he would've if I'd asked.
Ironically, their security isn't all that good.
Raj, your car is blocking me.
[ALARM WAILING.]
VOICE: Intruder alert.
Intruder alert.
-Intruder alert.
-What the hell? -Sorry, let me help you.
-Intruder alert.
Wonderful security system if we're attacked by a school of tuna.
Don't worry, the net's gonna be electrified.
Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.
Better.
SHELDON [IN VOICE-OVER.]
: Sheldon's journal.
Security system in place.
However, sleep continues to elude me.
I've seen the underbelly of Pasadena this so-called City of Roses and it haunts me.
Ah! The injustice.
I lie here awake, tormented, while out there, evil lurks probably playing "Donkey Kong" on my classic Nintendo.
[CLATTERING.]
[MUMBLES.]
Oh, dear.
I am the master of my own bladder.
Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
Leonard and Penny.
Oh, my-- God, Sheldon.
What the hell are you doing out there? I heard a noise.
It was us.
We knocked over a lamp.
-Why would you knock over a lamp? -We were gonna-- He doesn't need to know what we were doing, Leonard.
Oh.
No, she's right.
I don't need to know what you were doing.
-Carry on.
-What are you doing? Use the door.
Good thinking.
Hey, perhaps I'll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.
Great.
You do that.
Would you like me to bring you some warm milk? I'm lactose intolerant.
And you don't wish to alarm me with any more loud noises.
Very thoughtful.
-Warm milk, Penny? -No, thanks.
Fine.
Good night to you, sir.
Miss.
-Sorry about that.
-What can you do? [ALARM WAILING.]
VOICE: Intruder alert.
Intruder alert.
Intruder alert.
[SHELDON SCREAMING.]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.
-Sheldon, are you okay? -I'm fine.
Though I'm no longer the master of my own bladder.
My new computer came with Windows 7.
Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista.
I don't like that.
Don't you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction? Our apartment was broken into.
Our security system tried to kill me.
And as a result, I'm leaving Pasadena forever.
Tell me how that's overreacting.
Come on, Sheldon.
You can't move.
Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns? Oh, if that were only true.
Unfortunately, as I'm earthbound for the foreseeable future I need to find a location that's more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena.
Like Enid, Oklahoma.
Low crime rate, and high-speed Internet connectivity but no model-train shops.
Sorry, Enid.
Is he quitting his job at the university? Oh, no.
He's gonna telecommute.
Everybody's really excited about it.
All right.
Boone, North Carolina.
"Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake: Danel Boone.
" That sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd.
-Penny, you're from Nebraska, correct? -Born and raised.
It will take me a few days to get settled.
After I do, I will e-mail you detailed PDFs containing diagrams and instructions that will guide you through packing and shipping my possessions to Bozeman, Montana.
In the meantime, please forward my mail.
Anyplace specific, or just the Bozeman, Montana loony bin? I sense you're making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called the Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.
Oh, come on.
So you were the victim of a crime.
That's part of life.
When my great-grandfather first came to this country he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York.
You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver [SNAPS FINGERS.]
got ripped off.
But those people moved on, and so should you.
I am moving on.
I'm going to be a Bozite.
They call themselves Bozites? They should.
It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna miss you.
Please, Penny.
As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged goodbyes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I've prepared a short video.
Greetings.
As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged goodbyes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I've prepared this short video.
The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance.
Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that.
Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again.
Live long and prosper.
Sheldon, that's so-- You might wanna lock the door behind me.
This isn't Bozeman.
How the hell do I know who's the friend and who's the acquaintance? That is a bracing cold.
An invigorating cold.
Lord, is it cold.
Help you with your bag, sir? Thank you, fellow Bozite.
And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's chamber of commerce.
Wait.
Wait.
Excuse me! One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
Hey, look who's back.
Interesting.
The acquaintance is the first to greet me.