Cheers s03e13 Episode Script

A DITCH IN TIME - Good afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What'll you have, Normie? - A 1929 Lafitte Rothschild, Coach.
Or a beer, whatever everyone's having.
Haven't heard much lately about your quest to sire an heir for the old throne.
- So how goeth the baby-making? - Not good.
Vera thinks it's my fault she's not pregnant.
Says I'm not trying.
I hope before you answered harshly, you took into account her frustration in the maternal instinct department.
- I said, "Drop dead in a ditch.
" - Perfect.
I used to think that sleeping was the greatest pleasure you could have in bed.
Now I'm sure of it.
Norm, what's the matter? Don't you like having sex with your wife? We're not exactly what each other wants in a sexual partner.
For example, she wishes I looked a little more like Charles Bronson.
And I wish she looked a little less like Charles Bronson.
Carla, what do you think of my new cologne? - What do you think? - I like it.
When will I be able to see again? Thank you.
- You have customers waiting.
- Right away.
Will someone lead me to them? - White wine, please.
- White wine.
Coach, I'll handle this one.
I hope this doesn't embarrass you too much, but you have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen.
I kinda get flustered, but it's nice to hear.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Even I've heard that one.
I'm not doing too well with my patter.
Maybe I ought to rely on my looks.
Have you seen this one? I guess I'm just a sucker for sophistication.
Now I've charmed your socks off, wanna go to dinner with me? You know a place that doesn't require socks? I could find one.
So what do you say? I can't leave yet.
I came to see somebody.
Who? So you two know each other, huh? Nothing gets by this guy.
Sam, this is my friend Amanda Boyer.
Amanda, this is my friend, Sam Malone.
You're gonna have to excuse us here, I think we're on our way out to dinner.
Actually, I came by to see you.
You wanna have lunch sometime? Lunch sometime Are you two going out together? You're pretty sharp yourself there, Diane.
Before you do, could I speak with you about a problem, Sam? - Trouble in the back room.
- It's not about me, is it? Don't be silly.
That woman's a mess.
- Don't go out with her.
- Why not? I can't tell you now.
Just trust me for once.
You'll have to give me a hint.
I really can't say anything.
I can't believe you're so blatantly jealous.
You still can't stand the sight of me with another woman, huh? My heart goes out to any living creature in your company.
One of these days you're gonna realise that if you want to get back together with me, you'll have to talk a little nicer.
Sam - You are an unmitigated egomaniac.
- Too little, too late.
Good night.
You know, Normie, I was just thinking.
When you and Vera have the baby, you'll have to give it a name, right? We might name it, yeah.
When it comes time to name the baby, you should consider Barry.
What's so special about Barry? He's a whizz with names.
He gave me my nickname.
- Coach? - What? Never mind.
As I was saying, Barry gave me my nickname, Coach.
That was inventive.
You were a coach, so he called you Coach.
You know, you're probably right, Larry.
I always thought he gave me the name because I never flew first class.
We won't need Barry's help.
We've got a list of names to fight over.
Once the baby's born we'll fight over boy names or girl names.
You don't have to wait till the baby's born if you use sonar.
Yeah, Sonar's a beautiful name.
- Hey, everybody.
- Sam.
What happened? That was a long dinner.
This is pitiful, you wearing your heart on your sleeve like that.
- How did you and Amanda get along? - She's OK, I guess.
Not triple A, but the food was good and she's got pretty good table manners.
High praise from a man who thinks mashed potatoes are finger food.
So you didn't make any plans to see each other again? I like it when a woman is hot for me, but this is ridiculous.
It's not your business, but I might call her again.
Oh, no.
I wish Frasier weren't at that nerve-ending symposium.
I guess I have to tell you the truth.
Amanda and I became friends at a place.
That's pretty fascinating.
You'll have to fill me in on that later.
The place was Goldenbrook.
The booby hatch? Oh, no, she looked so normal.
Were you guys cellmates or something? There are no cells at Goldenbrook.
I was there of my own volition as were a lot of other normal people who just needed a little time to rest and sort out their feelings under constant psychiatric supervision.
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.
You're out.
What exactly is wrong with that kid? I didn't want to say because we did group therapy together and I didn't want to violate her confidence.
I guess I have to tell you now.
Please don't ever tell another soul.
- Amanda is obsessive with men.
- Oh, my God, no! Wait a second.
What does that mean, exactly? She likes men a lot? When she decides she wants a man, she becomes excessively preoccupied and possessive, and totally irrational.
Oh, you mean kinda like you landa.
Yolanda Johnson.
You don't know her.
Very obsessive woman.
She is nothing like Youlanda.
Listen, I wasn't thinking about it, but if I ever do go out with her again, the first sign of trouble, I'll back off.
OK? Wait a second, what's an example of obsessive behaviour? Mom, Dad, there he is, the man I'm gonna marry.
This is an example.
Sam, these are my parents, Mona and Todd.
- Hello, Sam.
- We've heard so much about you.
When? On the drive over here.
It was a long drive.
- I feel like I know you.
- Daddy, stop it.
Mom and Dad came to visit me and I thought it'd be nice for them to meet you.
- Can we have a word in private? - Hi, Amanda.
Mona, Todd.
Sam I need to talk to you about the inventory.
We'll be right back.
That girl looks familiar.
Is she the one I met on Basket Day? What were you going to do when I interrupted? Get rid of her before this gets serious.
Sam, better get out there.
She's picking silver patterns with her parents.
Yeah, I told them fleurs-de-lis are passé, they won't listen to me.
We're trying to have a private conversation.
We're not trying to be nosy, just go ahead.
Very well.
You can't give her your standard prearranged speech for dumping women.
I do not have a standard prearranged speech for dumping women.
Every situation is different.
For example, the speech I dumped you with would be totally inappropriate.
I don't think you dumped me.
You see? That was the beauty of it.
Come on, I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.
He's got six.
I think this one calls for number three: "It's times like these, I'm ashamed to be a man.
" - Get out! - Wait a minute, Diane.
Sam's a very close personal friend.
He's in a crisis and I don't think OK, have a couple of beers on me.
Sammy, you know where to find us if you need any help.
- Oh, boy.
- Sam That woman out there is very vulnerable.
Whatever you say to her has to be sensitive and real.
Otherwise the consequence could be horrendous.
What do you mean by that? She could do something ghastly again.
- You don't mean - Yes, suicide.
Oh, thank God! I thought I was in danger there.
No, that's not what I meant.
You're making me a nervous wreck.
Just tell me what to say so she doesn't hurt herself.
- I wish I knew.
- Come on, come on.
- She'll try to manipulate you.
- OK.
Be strong.
Don't waver.
- And ease into the rejection gently.
- OK, do you think that'll work? If not, have a nice honeymoon.
- Hi, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
- That's OK.
They like you a lot.
You make a wonderful first impression.
It's my best one.
Amanda, I Please, please don't dump me! Please, Sam, give me another chance.
I shouldn't have brought my parents, that was stupid and impulsive of me.
I don't even like them, I'll get rid of them.
No, no.
Wait.
I was just gonna say I wonder if they would like to have a drink.
No, thank you, they don't drink.
But thank you for thinking of them.
You're welcome.
- Then I was gonna say - No! Please, Sam Would you just please let me finish before you jump to conclusions? Now just sit down and don't say anything.
Sorry.
It's OK.
I like you and I respect you too much not to be honest.
Now I'm sorry if I misled you, but I just don't want to pursue this relationship.
I'm so embarrassed and ashamed and tired.
I'm very tired.
I'm sorry, Sam, for everything.
Goodbye, Sam.
- Are you all right? - Oh, sure.
It's my fault.
You are such a nice guy.
Please don't blame yourself for anything that has ever happened.
Or anything that's going to happen.
Whoa, wait a second.
What do you mean by that? Sam, you don't have to worry about me any more.
Remember? We're through.
I didn't mean the bad 'through', I meant the good 'through'.
What's the good 'through'? That's where we would go out to dinner right now and then maybe have a drive down the Cape, and see each other tomorrow.
The Cape would be pretty tonight.
I'd like that, Sam.
There, you see how fun 'through' can be? I'll get my parents and we'll drop them off at some bus stop.
- You have another date with her, right? - I wouldn't call it exactly a date.
It's more like a lifetime commitment.
My goodness, you and Vera have compiled quite a list of baby names.
Yeah, we think up names when we make love.
It kinda helps to pass the time.
May I suggest you add one more to the boys' list? - My favourite has always been Toby.
- Toby? Why don't you just name him Precious or Pumpkin Pie and be done with it? My ex may not be a class act, but he's got a first-rate male name, Nick.
- It's on the list.
- Good.
You ought to have Sam down there.
- Sam's here, right next to Ernie.
- Thank you, Norm.
It looks like my buddy's got all the bases covered.
- Where's my name? - What? Clifford.
Where's Clifford? Come on, name a kid Cliff? Have a heart! You got every other male name there except Zeus.
Zeus? I like that, Zeus.
Diane, you're back.
Good.
You might like to know I finally handled that situation with Amanda, in a way you'll be proud of.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, gotta go.
I know that Sam would not have wanted a big fuss, but shouldn't we have some sort of funeral for him? Good Lord! Amanda, I think we'd better straighten this out.
Sam! - Sam, open the door.
We have to talk.
- Has the freak show gone yet? Oh, hi.
We haven't been introduced yet.
I'm Ed, Sam's twin brother.
I'm here to handle the estate.
Oh, boy.
Twin brother.
What a trick, huh? That's why he's the boss.
I can't believe you did this to me, Sam.
I'm sorry, Amanda.
I know it was stupid and cruel and I could have handled it better.
I guess I could have pretended to be sick for a few days first.
You don't have to apologise, Sam.
I do.
I put you in a terrible spot.
Don't despair.
Just when my life seemed to be its darkest, I met Frasier Crane, and learned love doesn't have to hurt.
Yeah, you can sleep right through it.
I made a lot of mistakes here, Sam.
And I have a history of being wrong about men.
But I know it's different this time with you.
No matter what happens, I'll never stop loving you.
Till the day I die, you'll always be mine.
This is going pretty well, wouldn't you say? Amanda, I didn't want to say this.
It's something that will change the way you feel about Sam.
Nothing you could ever say will change the way I feel about him.
- Except this.
- Except nothing.
No matter what you ever do, no matter where you ever go, I'll never get over you.
Amanda, do you remember the man I used to talk about in group therapy? - Ralph? - This is Ralph.
Sam is Ralph? That's right.
The man to whom you just pledged your undying love is Ralph.
He can't hold me to that.
If they won't let me sign contracts or have a credit card or vote, then I am not responsible for hysterical hogwash that I babbled in a bar.
Thank you for saving me, Diane.
Sam, I will think of you every time I see something scurry under the sink.
I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but what exactly did you say about me in group therapy? - I told them the truth.
- For instance? I don't wanna get into this.
I made a lot of mistakes myself.
I was not a perfect girlfriend.
No, come on, I wanna know what lousy things these people know about me.
- I told them about Christmas.
- That again? What is wrong with giving steak knives? My mother loved them.
I give them to you and I never hear the end of it.
Sam, I was your lover.
You could have given me something more personal.
What did you give me for Christmas? A scarf.
What's so personal about that? I knit it myself.
And I had to take classes to learn how.
I sent away for the cashmere months before just to get that particular grade.
I consulted a colourist to determine the best colours for you and I hand-dyed the fabric myself.
I would have made the steak knives except I hocked my forge to buy the bar.
What else? I told them about the time I had flu and you didn't visit me once.
And you sent me second-hand flowers for Valentine's Day.
- Well, I was nowhere near - You wanna hear this or not? I told them about the time I cooked you a seven-course dinner for your birthday and you had a burger on the way over.
There was an explanation.
I just can't remember what it was.
And the time you lied about a relative dying so you could go skiing and debauching with your buddies.
You still don't see the humour in that? I wanted to spend the day with you after our first night together and you went to a football game.
It wasn't a football game.
- The winners went to the play-offs.
- Oh, just forget it! I'm sorry.
- What? - I'm sorry.
I did the best I could when I was with you.
You're right, I have blind spots and I'm not a very good boyfriend, but I never tried harder with any woman in my life.
We had some bad times, but the good times with you were some of the best of my life.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
- Diane, I - No, Sam, stop.
I want to get out of here before you say something stupid that ruins it.
- No, no, now stop.
Don't ruin it.
- I'm not gonna ruin it.
Yeah, that woulda ruined it.
Would it ever! English