Everybody Hates Chris s03e13 Episode Script

~ Attack me with your love ~ CHRIS: When I was 15 going on 16, the one thing I wanted most was a kiss from a girl, and I didn't care who it was as long as she wasn't in my family.
At the time, I thought I would only get a kiss one of a few ways.
There was "catch a girl, kiss a girl.
" She ran faster than Flo Jo.
There was "kiss a girl and run like hell.
" Ugh! ( Cameo's Attack Me With Your Love" playing ) ~ 'Cause there's no time Or place ~ CHRIS: And there was spin the bottle.
~ Attack me With your love, baby ~ Ooh! ~ Attack me with your love ~ Hey, Chris.
Hey, Tasha.
Hey, Drew.
Hey.
Hey, man, you still like Tasha? CHRIS: Does Angelina Jolie like black babies? Yeah.
You know she plays spin the bottle.
You're lying.
For real.
Everybody's playing.
And he meant everybody.
So if I can get in the game, maybe I can get a kiss from her.
Yeah, if you're lucky.
If I was lucky, I wouldn't be counting on an empty bottle to get me a kiss.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ Have you ever been to a spin-the-bottle party? Hi.
I don't believe we've met before.
My name is Greg.
No, I haven't been to a spin-the-bottle party.
I mean, I haven't been to a party.
Why would you even ask me that? Because I'm trying to get into one.
Hold on.
You do know what they do at those parties, right? Yeah.
People kiss.
Oh.
I must be thinking of a different kind of game, then.
Greg wrote about that party in his book, Ow, There's a Bottle in My So you ever kiss anybody? Hah.
Have I? You gotta be kidding me.
Cousins don't count.
Oh.
Then no.
Are you sure you really want to play spin the bottle? I mean, there's always a chance that you'll end up kissing somebody that's, I don't know, let's just say Ugly.
I don't think you get it.
Tasha is at this party.
There's no guarantee your spin's gonna land on her.
Listen, for me it's a win-win.
And all I know is, I'm gonna get a kiss.
Hey, Mr.
Omar.
Hey.
Who died? Oh.
Mr.
Abernathy.
Got decapitated by a flying hubcap.
Tragic.
Tragic! Is that his wife? Mm-hm.
Mmm.
See ya.
Oh, hey, hey! Drew, Drew.
You got, uh, five dollars I could borrow? I don't loan money.
Come on.
You know I'm good for it.
Drew inherited one quality from my father: He was a tightwad, and he saved every penny he got, no matter how he got it.
( hip-hop theme playing ) ( sighs ) Here.
Oh, thank you, son.
When are you gonna pay me back? Never! Tomorrow.
Cool.
Okay.
Hey.
Uh, just keep the change.
That's all you.
All right? Oh, hey, Tasha.
What's going on? Nothing.
Just need to pick up some milk for my grandmother.
Oh.
Would you like me to spin over there and get you a bottle? No.
Why are you acting weird? Oh, I just heard that you were at a party in the neighborhood the other night.
What? Yeah, you know, spin the-- Hi-ya! Look, don't you ever, ever, ever repeat it.
Okay.
Okay? I won't say anything.
Okay.
I just wanted to go to the next one.
Well, it's not up to me.
Lisa sets up the parties.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Can you let me go? No.
Promise you're not gonna tell anybody.
( gagging ): I promise.
Promise? I promise.
Again.
I promise.
Promise.
I promise.
One more time.
I promise.
All right.
Tasha went on to become the first female Ultimate Fighter.
I'm sorry, it's just if my grandmother finds out, she'll kill me.
Well, then, I just need to talk to Lisa.
You can't ask her, she has to ask you, and you can't tell her I told you.
It was like getting into the Mafia.
All right, well, give me something to work with.
How do I get into the game? She likes Prince.
Okay.
Well, thank you for coming, Lionel Richie family.
While I was being choked by Tasha, my mother's past was being revived.
Mm.
"An old flame will be reignited.
" ( chuckles ) What does yours say, baby? Oh, I don't care.
They're all silly anyway.
No, no, they're real.
My wife writes the fortune.
She can see into the future.
"Here comes Lance"? Lance? Rochelle? Is that you? Oh, my God.
Lance, what are you doing around here? I bought another Laundromat in the neighborhood.
You know Sire Suds? That's you? That's me.
Washing machines fit for a a queen.
( laughs ) Oh, well, Lance, this is my husband, Julius, and my daughter, Tonya.
Hi.
What a lovely family.
But I always knew you had good genes.
ROCHELLE: Oh, stop it.
( laughing ) Oh.
Uh, what about you? Are you married? No, no, I, uh, let all the good ones get away.
Yeah, sorry to hear that.
Nice to meet you, Larry.
Lance.
Okay.
It's great seeing you again, Rochelle.
Next time you come down, I'll give you a few free loads.
Also, here are some coupons for, uh, a new dry cleaners I'm opening.
My father would take a coupon from bin Laden.
Thanks, Lurch.
It's Larry.
It's Lance.
Take care.
Goodbye, Rochelle.
Nice meeting you.
Right, Lance.
( sighs ) What? After tomorrow came and went, Drew came and went off.
Hey, Drew.
My man.
Where's my money? Oh.
Man, I'm sorry, I totally forgot all about that.
It's okay.
You can pay me now.
Okay.
( sighs ) You know w--? I left my wallet at the office.
The office in your back pocket? So can I pay you tomorrow? Yeah, but I'll have to charge interest.
Interest? Fifteen percent.
Fifteen percent? That's outrageous.
On the streets it's 17.
I'm doing you a favor.
I'll be back.
Black Terminator.
While Drew was trying to settle a debt, I was trying to set up a score.
( funky theme playing ) Hey, Lisa.
Chris.
What you been up to? Nothing, I've just been around, you know, at home listening to Prince-- For real? I love Prince and anything to do with him.
She went to see The Color Purple because she assumed it was about Prince.
Can I show you something? What? Do you remember at the end of Purple Rain when Prince sprayed everybody with his guitar? Yeah, I'll never forget it.
Yeah, well, check this out.
Oh, my God, is that--? Yes, it's the hose he attached to the back of his guitar.
Where did you get that? I found it in the street, dummy.
I got a friend who lives in Minneapolis.
Oh, my God, can I touch it? I'm not even touching that.
Maybe.
Look, what do you know about this spin-the-bottle party? ( grunting ) Who told you? Nobody.
No, somebody.
Who? I won't tell you.
Who? No.
Okay, my house, Don't tell anybody.
Thanks.
Ever since that day, I've always loved hose.
( playful theme playing ) Hey, Daddy.
Hey, baby.
Listen, I need you to do something for me, okay? Okay.
Your mother's birthday is coming up.
Yeah, in three months.
Right, and I want to throw a little party for her, and I was thinking of inviting her friend Lance, but I don't know-- You want me to ask Mama if she likes Lance? Yeah.
Well, Daddy, I don't think I can do that.
At least not for free.
Are you asking me for money? Are you asking me to spy on Mama? It's not spying.
I just want you to ask her a couple questions.
Well, how come you can't ask her? Because here's five dollars, that's how come.
I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
Tonya made more money that year than my father.
At school, Greg was putting his usual spin on things.
Dude, you're so in there.
Yeah, and Tasha's coming.
Don't get your hopes up.
The statistical chances of you actually getting to kiss her when there's six other players at the party are about six to one.
Better than my usual 348 million to one.
Yeah, I'm not worried about that.
You shouldn't be worried about it.
( quietly ): I just don't know if I'm gonna do it right.
Lip-ups.
What? Lip-ups.
Richie Cunningham was afraid of the same thing on Happy Days and the Fonz told him to do lip-ups.
You put your face on the floor and push up with your lips.
What? Are you crazy? I'm not kissing the floor.
This is what happens when you watch shows about white people.
What are you doing? Oh, I was just looking for a quarter I dropped.
Ah.
Well, it looked like you were doing lip-ups.
You know, those don't work.
The hardest part about practicing kissing is trying to do it by yourself.
Ugh! Boy, what is wrong with you? Can't a boy kiss himself in the mirror in peace? Mr.
Omar? Drew? What the--? Where's my money? You said you were coming back tomorrow.
It is tomorrow.
It's 4:00 in the morning, man.
I want my money.
Drew, I got to get up in the morning and go to work.
And I got to get up and go to school, but I can't concentrate because I don't have my money.
( sighs ) Okay, okay.
Can you give me another day? Fine.
But another day is going to cost you another dollar.
And after tomorrow, that's it.
W-what's it? Nothing.
I'd just hate to see something bad happen.
What kind of something? Something tragic.
Have a nice night.
Drew went on to help found Death Row Records.
Omar's day had taken a turn for the worse, but my night was about to get a whole lot better.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
I need you to watch Tonya.
What? I'll be back around 9:00.
Okay, baby, be good.
All right.
In bed by 9 and stay out of my room.
What are you looking at? About five to ten when I drown you in that cereal bowl.
I need you to do something for me.
What? I'm going out.
I need you to stay here, keep your mouth shut.
That's five dollars worth of need.
Fine.
Mom will be back at 9, be in bed.
And if I don't get in trouble, I'll pay you when I get back.
Okay.
Tonya invested all of her extortion money and retired at 30.
Playing spin the bottle was one of the greatest moments of my teenage life.
It was the best shortcut to kissing girls outside of becoming famous.
Ooh, Susan.
( girls giggling ) Mm.
( bottle whirring ) ( funky theme playing ) ( girls giggling ) ( bottle whirring ) I wish that was me kissing her.
Please, please, please.
Damn, damn, damn.
( girls giggling ) Instead of spinning the bottle, I wanted to bust it over his head.
TASHA: Chris, your turn.
Finally.
Hey, this ain't the Logo channel.
( chuckles ) Spin it again, Chris.
I needed the bottle to point to a girl so I could take my lips for a spin.
It wasn't Tasha, but I could pretend.
~ Yes, I'm saving all my love ~ ~ For you ~ ( Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You" playing ) TASHA: Dag, Chris, that's enough.
You act like it's your first kiss or something.
Wait till I tell Greg.
If you tell anybody, I will break your lips.
In that case, wait till I write Greg a detailed letter.
After my first kiss, the world seemed like a different place.
A girl's lips had touched mine.
It was great, and nothing was ever gonna change that.
So you're Chris? Yeah.
Who are you? Nobody.
Just a dude who wanted to know who my girl was talking about.
What? It's cool, man.
I just want her to be happy.
But I still love her though.
But, you know, if you're the one she wants, then, you know, that-- That-- That's cool.
That's cool.
I'm gonna just deal with that.
Deal with that? Man, what are you talking about? It's a'ight, man.
You won.
You won.
You know it, I know it, and Susan knows it.
But check this out.
If you mess up, I'll be there.
Hopefully not with one glove and a friend in a Bronco.
I'm gonna be there, Chris! I will be there! While I had one foot in the grave, Tonya was digging up dirt.
Hey, baby.
Hey, Ma.
Can I ask you something? Sure.
What is it? Did you ever kiss Lance? Smooth.
That, Tonya, is none of your business.
Okay, well, do you love Lance more than you love Daddy? Instead of beating around a bush, Tonya took a chainsaw to it.
ROCHELLE: Well, since you're so interested in knowing what happened, I guess I'll tell you.
I was dating Lance and then I met your father.
Do you want to know why I broke up with Lance? Why? Because your father was, is, and will always be the love of my life.
Okay? Okay.
That okay with you, Julius? Okay.
Brooklyn was the home of many modern trends, stalking was one of them.
So was the sensitive thug.
So was the restraining order.
Years later, Dwayne would go on to be the first guy from Brooklyn to have a prison marriage with a girl he stalked, stabbed, and restrained.
( chuckling ) I can't believe it.
Hey, Chris.
Who's Dwayne and why is he following me around and standing outside my house? Oh, well Oh, he's my boyfriend.
But he wasn't acting right, so I told him about our kiss.
You said not to tell anybody.
You didn't, did you? We're not talking about me.
We're talking about you.
And plus, you don't have someone following you in fatigues.
Hey, calm down, okay? He ain't gonna do nothing.
How do you know? I'll talk to him.
Isn't that how all this got started? Can I ask you a question? Sure.
That kiss, I mean, was it good? Was it too much lip, too sloppy? It was fine.
You're a good kisser.
Really? Yeah.
( romantic theme playing ) At that moment, I had never been more happy or afraid.
I had two kisses and a death threat, and I was cashing out.
Really.
It was nice.
If you tell anybody, I will break your tongue.
Shouldn't I be saying that? While I was counting my blessings, Mr.
Omar had to pay the piper.
I know it's hard to lose your husband.
But remember, he's in a better place right now.
Drew? Where's my money? Man, we're on our way to a funeral.
You want to make it two? You're not going anywhere until I get my money.
Y-you got five dollars I could borrow? Seven.
Seven.
This is coming out of your bill.
Mr.
Omar hated paying back money even if it wasn't his.
Thank you.
And, uh, sorry about your husband.
At least one of them is.
( funky theme playing ) While Drew collected his money, Susan called to collect her man.
( pager beeping ) Hey, Chris.
Hey.
Could you come down for a second, I want to talk to you.
Sure.
The funny thing about girls is even when they say they don't care what you do, they still care who you're doing it with.
I heard about you and Susan.
Heard what? You know.
Everybody knows.
She broke up with Dwayne for you.
Who told you that? Dwayne.
Well, it's not true.
Oh.
I was gonna say, after one kiss, dang.
I had no idea what all that meant, but I took it as a compliment.
So do you like her? I mean, she's all right.
She a good kisser? Better than my pillow.
It was cool.
You think she's better than me? Kissing? No.
Tetherball, stupid.
I don't know.
I mean, when you kissed Robert, you looked pretty good.
I did? Yeah.
Is your mom home? Uh, no, why? Can we go upstairs for a second? What for? Hey, idiot, can't you see what's happening here? I want to show you something.
Okay, cool.
Thank you.
Hi, Tasha.
Hi, Chris.
Dang it.
Hey, Mom.
Hi.
Baby, when you're done here, I want you to come help me with dinner, okay? Okay.
All right.
Tasha, tell your grandmother I say hello.
Come on.
Oh, I forgot, I have to wash the dishes.
Oh, okay, well, what were you going to show me? Nothing.
I'll just see you later.
I never did find out what Tasha was going to show me, but after my first kiss, I saw a whole new side of her.
( Janet Jackson's "Nasty" playing ) Yes, may I help you? Hi, are you Chris's mother? Yes.
Why? What did he do? He was at a party with my daughter, Susan, last Wednesday night-- Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so.
Chris was here at home watching my daughter for me on Wednesday night.
Okay, well, uh, somebody named Chris was at that party and she said that he lived here.
Look, I'm just trying to inform everybody who was at the party that Susan was contagious and she has the mumps.
Well, I don't know what you're talking about because Chris doesn't have the mumps.
One minute.
Chris! ~ Nasty, nasty boys ~ ~ They don't mean a thing ~ Maybe the mumps will cushion my butt-whupping.
~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )