Frasier s03e13 Episode Script

Well, we've got about thirty seconds.
I think we've got time for one quick call.
Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
Oh my God, I'm really on? Yes, your problem, please Lucky, Lucky, get down.
George, get the dog! Oh my God, this is so exciting! Honey, honey, get the baby.
George, get your son! OK, OK, here it is, Dr.
Crane: if my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst.
I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger.
Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop! I'll call you back.
Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that sex with a stranger is not the answer.
Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice! Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week, so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten, who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns," Oh My! I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you.
Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here? Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.
Oh well, have a great time.
Oh, thanks.
And don't forget to bring me a present! I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.
You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eeew! No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade, what are you going to do now? I'm going to Butterworld! Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you? What for? Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog.
You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off.
Eddie! Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is? No, the faster he folds it.
All right, they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie; he did it in seven seconds.
All right, come on boy, take it off.
Six seven.
OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle.
OK, so he's no poodle he's not a beagle either or a German shepherd or a Labrador Oh, for God's sake, Eddie! Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right, you'll have him doing it every time we have company.
Hey, I'll bet you're right! Nice going, Eddie! Oh, hello, Dr.
Crane.
I appreciate the false cheer, Daphne.
But I'm sure you've seen this? Today's society page? Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me! I'm saving it for after dinner! Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise.
Her friends threw her a bon voyage party.
Look at the photo.
It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face! I know, you can practically hear the zing zing zing of her heartstrings! Oh, Dr Crane Sorry, Niles.
Oh, it gets worse.
This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole.
She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts.
The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar! Well, wait a minute, that's good news.
If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about any one of them.
You think? Yeah, sure! They're probably just her escorts.
You know how she loves going to parties.
Yes, and she never liked going anywhere alone.
Except to bed.
More good news.
And Niles, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath.
Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
Oh, come on, Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends.
Oh, let's count.
There's Maris oh no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.
You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still picture yourself as the same geeky kid you were in high school.
But you've come a long way since then.
And you're not doing yourself any favours sitting home every night.
Now just think about it.
Wine, Dr.
Crane? Well, wouldn't you? HE WAS A BAND LEADER MARRIED TO CHARO Oh, give it up, the man had every right to be proud of his dog.
Well, I just don't like show-offs, OK? "Ginger, catch the frisbee.
Ginger, roll over.
Ginger, do my taxes!" Just because Eddie's not good at tricks The hell he isn't! He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain! Eddie's a thinker! Just watch this.
Open the door for him.
Now, I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys.
Eddie, get your banana.
Now he's thinking, "which one's the banana?" Now he's thinking, "what the heck did I do with my banana?" Now he's thinking, "which one's the emergency button?" Come on! Oh, Dr Crane! Hello.
I let myself in, I hope that's all right.
Fine.
What's up? Oh, I just stopped by to ask you a question.
Are you free Saturday night? Sure! Well, I'm not! I have a date! Oh! Oh! Bravo, Dr.
Crane! Good for you! Who is she? Marjorie Nash, the "Fruit On The Bottom" yogurt heiress.
I bumped into her at the Frye museum.
Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears.
I found myself asking her out.
We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the "Snow Ball!" Good for you! What's she like? Well, she's terribly haughty and rumours persist about her husband's death.
But still, a date's a date! Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.
I didn't know you could dance! Oh, I can't.
Oh, dear.
You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.
Oh, this is terrible! My first date's a miserable failure before it even begins.
I'll just have to cancel.
All you need are a few dancing lessons.
I'd be happy to give you some.
You would? Yeah! Growing up, I used to practise all the time with my brother Billy - the ballroom dancer? I couldn't prevail upon you like that, it would be too much trouble.
We'll have to move this! OK, now push the chair back Or not.
Alright, we'll start with the box step.
Box step It's very simple.
Take my hand like so, and your other hand goes around my waist.
Now, start with your left foot.
OK, which one? Oh, hush! Step towards me, then bring your right foot forward-and-over, and slide the left over to meet it.
Then the right foot goes back, the left back-and-over, and the right slides next to it.
And that's it! All right, once again.
A one-two- Oh! three, a two-two-three, a three-two-three, a four-two three This is boring yet difficult.
Aw, there's no trick to dancing.
It's just a matter of coordination.
Hell, if you can ride a bike, or skip rope, or kick a ball, you can certainly Alright, once again.
A one-two- Oh!-three You're really doing very well, Dr.
Crane.
Earlier you seemed a bit tense.
You've really relaxed now though, haven't you? Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp.
Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba.
Eddie, fetch me a samba tape.
Xavier Cougat.
Now he's thinking, "the later Hollywood stuff, or the early New York recordings?" Now guess what I'm thinking.
I'll get it myself.
Well, I'm going to hit the hay.
Good-night -- bend-and-turn ? see-you-in-the-morning ?spin-and-dip there's-my-phone -- flip-and-push ? Niles-Crane.
Oh, Marjorie.
How are you? Oh, what a shame.
Well, er, no no it's alright, there'll be other dances.
No, no, I understand completely.
Take care.
Guess I won't be needing those dancing lessons.
I guess not.
I'm sorry, son.
I couldn't find any Cougie, but this'll do! Alright now, in the samba you have to hold me a little closer.
You ready? Daphne, there's one thing I wanted to mention Yeah? I'm a dancer, a dancer dances! WHERE ELSE WOULD CORONERS GET TOGETHER? Wow.
.
Look who's Here.
.
it's my dancing partner.
Hello, Fred! Hello, Ginger! It's a little joke we have! Look Daphne, I got two new CDs today.
Tonight we master the mambo and the conga.
I can feel myself growing a pencil-thin moustache just saying that.
You're having more lessons tonight? Oh, yes! He's going to be the best dancer at the ball.
I'll just go get us some coffees.
Why didn't you tell her your date had cancelled? You don't need more lessons.
I wanted to, but she's just having so much fun! Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne? What are you implying? You know damn well what I'm implying.
Take my word for it, you're sticking a fork in the toaster here.
Well, my muffin's stuck! Besides, what's the harm in a few dance lessons? It's nighttime.
You're alone.
The music's on.
You've got your arms around her.
You'll end up saying something you can't take back.
I have no intention of saying anything.
No one ever does.
Take my word for it.
When I was separated from your mother, there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue.
I always had a bit of a crush on her.
So whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "OK boys, I'll take it from here!" So one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.
Coroners have their own bars? No, corner, Niles, the corner bar! Anyway, we had a few drinks, the lights were low, Sinatra on the jukebox.
Before I knew it, it just all came pouring out of me.
I told her how I felt.
I mean, I knew the second it was out of my mouth that it was a mistake.
She let me down easy but we still had to go on seeing each other all the time.
It sure was no fun going to the morgue after that! So, what time are we starting your lessons tonight, Dr.
Crane? Actually, that won't be necessary.
I just got a call from Marjorie.
Something's come up.
I won't be going to the ball.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's quite all right, and thank you for all your help.
It seems such a shame to waste all that hard work I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but what would you say about our going to the dance together? Now, now, he's already taken up too much of your time, Daphne, he couldn't ask you to do that.
No, but it would be as much fun for me as it would be for him! I'd love an elegant evening out! What do you say, Dr.
Crane? Tell her what you say, Dr.
Crane.
Pick you up at seven? Ooh, yes! Great! No, Eddie that's not your banana, that's Mr.
Pig.
Listen to the difference: pig, banana! Pig, banana! Pig, banana! Ah, I still love you, you little pinhead.
Go sit down.
Oh Frasier, am I glad you're back! Listen, all sorts of.
Dad, please, please! I have just spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick.
I am technically still on vacation till ten a.
m.
tomorrow.
Yeah, but listen Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise, or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through, or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman! But you don't understand Dad, please! For all intents and purposes, I am not here.
That'll be my date! Ooh, I'm so excited, this is me first ball! Oh, I hope he likes my dress Daphne? Hello, Dr.
Crane, welcome back! Hello! Wow! Ohhh, you! Niles? Oh, Frasier, you're back! Well, our carriage awaits.
And you'd better get her home at a decent hour, I'm gonna be waiting up for you! Oh, Mr.
Crane! What the hell was that? Eddie, did you hear sumpin'? Can't be Frasier, he's still on vacation! Dad, what was that? Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date? Dad! Oh, Dr.
Crane, it's so beautiful! Just for tonight, could you call me Niles? You know, when I was at school I knew a boy named Niles.
I called him Niley.
Just for tonight, could you call me Niles? You're a vision everyone's staring at you! Well, you look awfully handsome yourself Niles.
Would you like some champagne? Oh, that would be lovely.
Be back in a moment.
Two champagnes, tout de suite.
Niles, dear! How are you! Just fine, thanks.
Andrew, say hello to Niles.
Haven't seen you for ages.
Feel just terrible about you and Maris.
Oh yes, we were just devastated.
Positively everyone's talking about it.
Oh, and how is positively everyone? Devastated.
We were just saying that to Maris, when we ran into her and Bradley Paxton at the Breever's Cup.
No, she was with Calvin Oldi at the Breever's Cup.
Well, it's so hard to keep track anyway.
Niles, if there's anything we can do to cheer you up? Just let us know Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.
Well, they weren't very nice! Well, everyone in our set seems to have this idea that while Maris is out living the high life, I'm sitting at home, crushed and lonely.
Yeah, well, never mind those gossipy twits.
Tonight, you're all mine.
Now take me in your arms, Niles, and let the music carry us away Thank you, we'll be back in ten minutes.
I can't remember when I've had a better time.
I'm on Cloud Nine! I'd have to look down to see Cloud Nine! Daphne, I must tell you again, that is an exquisite gown.
Oh, thanks! It was way out of my price range, but did you ever see something and say, "I just have to have it?" Where's my chair? A tango! Oh, you never taught me a tango! Oh, you'll love it! It's perfect for you! This is a passionate, full-blooded dance that rose up from the slums of Buenos Aires.
Well, the parallels between me and an unemployed gaucho aside, I think we probably should just sit this one out.
Oh, nonsense! There's only one rule in the tango: our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us.
I can do that.
Stop! Don't be afraid! Daphne won't let anything happen to you.
I don't think- Don't think! Just feel.
You're an Argentine slum-dweller.
You have no house, no car, you don't know where your next meal is coming from.
But none of that matters.
Because tonight we have the tango! Oh mama, I've got it all! That's it! You're dazzling! You're brilliant! But I feel you're holding back! I am.
Oh, this is no time for inhibitions! I know.
Oh.
let it out Niles.
Let everything out! Oh Daphne, I adore you! I adore you too! What?!?!? I adore you too.
Oh, how I've longed to hear those words! Oh, how I've longed to say them! You're beautiful! You're a goddess! I don't ever want this moment to end! Then let's not let it! This is the most glorious night of my life.
Oh, mine too Oh, Daphne! I'm a new man! Do you have any idea what I'm feeling? Of course I do! Your friends look positively dumbstruck.
From now on there'll be no more of that "oh poor Niles" attitude Far from it! I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor! Actor? Yeah! "Daphne, you're a goddess, Daphne, I adore you" We fooled everyone, didn't we? Ohoh.
We certainly did, didn't we? I'm surprised it was so easy! Well, given the right circumstances, anyone can be fooled.
Ooh! What do you say to another dance? No thanks, it's getting late and I've danced enough.
Alright, then! I'll just go powder my nose and then we'll be off.
Niles? No, no, please.
Claire Barnes? I was an associate in your attorney's office.
Oh, yes, Claire.
Uh, it's good to see you again.
Well, I heard about you and Maris.
And I just wanted to give you my card and tell you you're free to call me anytime.
Oh, thank you, but I'm happy with my attorney.
I meant to go dancing.
OHThanks.
.
Well, are you ready? Ah.
.
No, I don't think I am.
I beg your pardon? Er, I mean yes.
Uh, let's go.
Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we? We certainly did.
And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
Excuse me.
I'm ready now.