Rules of Engagement s03e13 Episode Script

Honey, can you grab that? I'm in the bathroom.
Coming.
Seriously? I'm sorry.
It's the women's beach volleyball finals.
You should watch those girls closely.
You're gonna need to remember them later.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I keep this cake in your fridge? Sure.
Cake? Interesting.
Cake trumps bouncy boobs.
It's not for you, it's for my party.
Oh, right, your little "girls only" sex party.
No, it's an adult toy party, I'm hosting it for my friend.
It's like a Tupperware party, but with sex toys.
I'm not sure those are going to keep your leftovers fresh.
Let me give you a hand with that.
No, I will take it.
And no stealing a bite and blaming it on fridge mice again.
I really don't think Jeff's going to want to eat that cake.
Please.
I have yet to meet the cake I didn't want to eat.
It's a weird shape.
Oh, come on! Are you sure you don't want a bite? I don't want that thing anywhere near my mouth.
That's an ironic turn of events.
I got it from this erotic dessert place downtown, Masturbakers.
I'll go put it in the fridge.
Um, just to warn you, you might get some shrinkage.
You can't always blame it on the cold.
All right.
And I am gonna go try and drink that image out of my head.
Hey, so you're going to the big perv party, huh? Yeah, just me, Jen, and a bunch of women I'm going to learn way too much about.
I don't judge any of those ladies for buying that stuff.
Not everybody has access to their very own sex machine.
If only I could turn off the talking option.
Is that a new phone? Yeah.
What was wrong with the old one? I've had it like three years.
In phone years, that's two cans and a string.
Oh.
It's Jen.
She wants me to bring over wine glasses.
You texting now? What are you, in high school? What's the matter? Everybody texts Shh.
I'm imagining you in high school.
Ew.
Yeah.
Yeah, you just You hurry along now.
Don't want to be late for cheerleading practice.
Shut up.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Can I get a tall latte? Single guys are way too much trouble.
That's why I like married guys.
They're easy, and they won't tell anyone because they don't want to get caught.
I'm telling you, it's only married guys for me.
Hey, honey Yeah.
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
I love being married to you too.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Ah, the wife.
You're married? That obvious, huh? Well, you just said you were talking to your wife.
Oh, yeah.
That I was.
I wouldn't have pegged you as married.
You just don't give off that vibe.
Oh, that's funny.
Oh, I can't wait to get home and tell that to the missus.
Yeah, the old ball and chain, you know.
My better half.
Ha, ha.
She's probably home making casseroles and Can I get an ETA on that latte? Yeah, so, yeah.
Hey, Aud.
Hello? God! Audrey? What? I'm just returning your cake plate and some leftover cake.
Even in cake form women ignore those.
So did Audrey have a good time? Maybe.
Why? What did Jen say? Oh, nothing, she passed out.
Too many penis coladas.
You know.
So, uh, did Jen purchased anything? No! No, she doesn't need to.
She is all taken care of in that department.
And that department is sex.
Oh, yeah, because you're so good.
Oh.
Hey, you know? The doctor actually said she needed to cut back a little.
To what? Just you? Well, so, what did Audrey buy? What makes you think Audrey bought anything? I don't know.
You guys have been married forever.
Plus you're like 90.
I mean, I thought you might need a little help, like the sexual equivalent of a hearing aid.
Well I don't.
And she doesn't.
Audrey's totally covered.
With all her needs and whatnot.
What's that? What? Buzzing noise.
Cell phone.
Aren't you gonna answer it? No, that'd be rude.
We're right in the middle of a conversation.
Well, shouldn't it go to voice mail? No, I have it set to, um "Just keep ringing.
" Get out.
Oh, Jen, good.
There you are.
Okay.
I need you to tell me the truth about something.
Yes.
They're faking.
Ha, ha.
And I don't care.
I need you to look at me and tell me if you would believe that I'm married.
Does this wife need a green card? No.
Is she blind? No.
Mail order? Head injury? Clinically insane? No, no, no.
Trying to get back at her parents? Aren't they all? Look, no, I wouldn't believe you're married.
Oh.
Damn, I give out such a single-guy aura.
See, I met this chick and she's only into married guys.
Oh, she sounds well-adjusted.
So I need to get that beaten-down, praying-for-sweet-death married-guy vibe.
Why don't you just lie and say you're married? Um, because that's lazy and disrespectful.
And I've already tried that and I don't think she's buying it.
But I got us a date for coffee, and I'm already out of miserable husband stories.
That's where you come into the picture.
Oh, no.
I am not in the picture.
Your pictures are sleazy and disgusting and in the case of that one you emailed me, demeaning to both little people and clowns.
I can see how clowns are bummed out, but the little people were having fun.
You made it your screen saver? I gotta go.
No, no, no, wait.
Listen, I need to get in the mindset of a married guy.
How they think, how they feel.
I need you to do me a favor.
Talk to me like a wife would.
No, I'm not doing that for you.
That's good, that's very realistic.
I'm going to write some of this down.
You're an idiot.
Nice.
More.
I can't even look at your face right now.
Slow down, you're going too fast.
You're disgusting.
I gotta go.
I said talk to me like a wife, not one of my dates.
Whew.
Eh? Wow! Huh? Job well done.
Yeah.
That was nice.
So would you describe yourself as "satisfied," "extremely satisfied" or "totally satisfied"? Look at you, still awake and caring how it went.
Hey, I care.
In fact, I could go again.
Eventually.
That's all right, babe.
I'm kinda tired.
Would you say "spent"? Yeah, sure.
"Spent.
" All right.
I don't believe this.
Stop that right now! What? Overbrushing.
That's a serious problem.
What are you talking about? Okay, look, I heard the buzzing and I thought that you were, uh I was what? Look, I found the little item that you bought at the party earlier, so That? That wasn't mine.
I grabbed Jen's bag by mistake.
Oh.
So wait, the The bag was Jennifer's? Yeah.
Excellent.
Carry on.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Ah.
Make a reservation for tonight.
Uh Make a res Then don't make reservations for tonight.
All right.
I gotta go.
Yeah.
Oh.
Why can't she make a decision? What are you doing? I'm getting great "married guy" stuff here.
I want to learn everything about you that says "I give up.
" Hey, losers.
Oh, so how was your lady's little dirty soiree? Yes, Adam.
How was it? Did anyone buy anything last night that we should know about? Eh? Jen bought a sex toy.
Oh! Just one? I thought she'd have one of those big assassin briefcases full.
Stop it.
No.
No.
She's never had one before.
Who needs a sexual hearing aid now, huh? I win.
Oh.
"He gets overly excited about pathetic little victories.
" No, no, no.
Look, I won, okay? The item she got was an us thing, which led to the best sex we ever had.
Ooh.
What'd you guys use? Whips? Prosthetics? Chains? Smackerdoodles? Just some regular non-weird stuff? Oh, starter kit.
Cute.
You know what? Last night, Audrey and I had a solid little session.
No bells and whistles.
Just a man, a woman and a bed.
Dude, everybody's using sex toys now.
You gotta keep up.
"Doesn't keep up.
" Yeah, you gotta try new stuff or you become like one of those lame nostalgia bands, you know, playing the same tired old hits year after year.
Yeah, whenever those bands play new stuff, that's when people get up to get a beer.
Audrey never gets up to get a beer in the middle of my set.
Yeah, that's because your set's a tight four minutes.
Ah.
"Finishes really quickly.
" "Sensitive about finishing.
" You know what? I asked Audrey last night how it went, and she said it was fine.
Hey-o! "Fine.
" Wow.
That's slightly better than okay.
You know, I'm just saying, Audrey seems like someone who likes to keep up with new stuff.
She did just get a new cell phone.
And downloaded that new Coldplay CD.
Ooh.
Ooh.
That doesn't sound like someone who enjoys sweating to the oldies.
Hm.
Or sweating under the oldie.
That's for the pencil.
No! That's my last one! Whoa! Look at this place.
Oh, cool, games! S-sex games.
All right, I'm a married guy in a sex shop.
How am I feeling? I'm feeling constipated? What am I doing here? Oh, confused.
You know, it looks a lot like constipated.
Hey, guys.
Check it out.
"Par-sleazy.
" You know, instead of "cheesi.
" Yeah.
Hi.
Can I help you? Uh, just looking around.
Oh, for something for you and your wife? See? How does he know you're married? You know, I'm looking for something too.
Yeah, the fetish stuff's in the back, buddy.
No, the wife and I are to Look Yeah.
It's in the back, okay? Okay, uh, so, what sort of things is your wife into? You know, new stuff like texting and Coldplay.
No.
I mean what does she into sexually? Watch it, buddy.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you, Mr.
Sex Store Customer.
I'm sorry, I'm I'm new at this whole thing.
That's all right.
Let's start with the basics.
How about some lingerie? Forty-nine dollars? There's barely anything there.
Yeah, it's crotchless.
It's like the old egg white scam.
They take the yolk away, but they charge you more.
You're just taking the yolk of the panties away and raising the price.
Wow, you really are new at this, aren't you? Let me show you something.
Hm.
Got it.
Got it.
Had it.
Broke it.
"New and improved.
" Hm.
We'll see.
Hey, beads.
Audrey likes this crafty stuff.
What is this? A necklace? Yes.
Yes.
That's exactly what it is.
It's a necklace.
Here, let me show you some of our more popular items.
Here, in this area.
This is This is good stuff.
Really? Yeah.
I love this woman.
Doing some shopping? Some.
Oh, hold the elevator.
Hey.
Hey.
What you got in there? Oh, you know, I just picked up a few things.
Otis, leave the man's groceries alone.
You bought groceries? Oh, do you have some chips or something? I am so hungry.
You're always hungry.
Back off.
You're acting weird.
You're acting weird.
Why are you being so sneaky? Let me see what's in there.
What is this? Red China? Is it a present? What? What? Otis, what do you have? Jeff! Oh! Oh, my Oh, my God, is that what I think it is? It's hers.
What would possess you to buy all this stuff? Look, I didn't want us to become a nostalgia band, okay? I I have no idea what that means or what it has to do with remote-controlled underwear.
Look, I didn't want you to get tired of, you know, always hearing the same old songs in the bedroom.
Oh.
Honey, no.
Those are great songs.
I love those songs.
They are great.
You know I'm not talking about actual songs, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
I got that.
It's just that we've been married for 13 years and our sex life is, uh Honey, our sex life is fine.
I thought I could give you something more than fine.
So you You bought me a whole sex shop? Actually there was another bag that spilled on the sidewalk.
I was too embarrassed to pick it all up so I just ran.
Honey, that's so nice.
You were thinking of me.
But honestly, all I need is you.
Really? Yes.
You're my big sex toy.
Oh.
Thanks.
But what are we gonna do with all this stuff? You know, unfortunately, the Lust Frontier has a pretty strict return policy.
Well it'd be a waste just to throw it away.
I mean I guess trying some of this stuff wouldn't hurt.
Ooh.
Actually, I think that one would.
Did you know that one's for you, right? I'm positive that would hurt.
So I'm like, "Make the reservation.
Okay, don't make the reservation.
" Oh! I mean, I love her, but she can't make a decision.
It's just so Confusing? Yes! Thank you.
You know what? You don't need to hear my "married guy" stuff.
It's a bore.
Oh.
I don't mind.
You know, you seem like you need someone to talk to.
I do.
I mean, Beth's great, it's just sometimes I don't think she hears me.
I understand.
You know, maybe we should go somewhere quieter to talk.
Well, I guess there's no harm in talking.
Check, please.
Oh, my God.
This is so kinky.
My wife Beth would never do anything like this.
By the way, this one's got a little play in it.
You might want to tighten it up.
Mm.
Oh, okay.
Okay, got it, got it.
Oh.
This is kind of hot.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm robbing you.
Of my monogamy? Of your cash and credit cards.
And then my monogamy? And you're not going to tell anyone, because if you do, your wife will find out and she'll divorce you and take everything you've got.
Oh, that's why you like married guys.
Uh-huh.
Well, the joke's on you, sweetheart.
I'm not really married! Ha-ha! Who looks stupid now? All right, still me.
Hey, can you turn the TV on? Marriage sucks.
That's good.
Mm.
I want more of that.
Mm.
Mm.
Not bad for sex food.
This is fun.
It's good to try new things.
How's the edible underwear? It's good.
It says the flavor is passion fruit.
Huh.
Yeah, I get that.
Want to try a pair? Sure.
How about I put it on first? Yes, Jeff, because that's what I want my food touching before I eat it.
Yeah, I get that.
Hey.
I didn't know you got an electric toothbrush.
I didn't.
Man, I am spent.
Good night, honey.