The Middle s03e13 Episode Script

Well, she looked good.
She really did.
I think she looked pretty.
She had less wrinkles lying down.
I never saw her without her glasses.
Or a cloud of smoke around her.
Look, Aunt Ginny lived a long, full life, and she died in her sleep, and I think we can all take comfort in that.
How is that comforting? I sleep every night.
I'd be more comforted if she died in a hang gliding accident.
No, in your sleep is what you're shooting for.
You just close your eyes and never wake up.
You never even know.
You never even know? The point is, she looked good.
She really did.
And she's in a beautiful spot.
She really is.
Well, I'm never ending up in a place like that.
I'll tell you that right now.
If you figure out how to avoid it, let us know.
Already did.
I'm gonna be frozen.
- You're gonna be frozen? - Ew, Axl.
Relax.
Not my whole body.
I'm just gonna freeze my head.
You're not freezing your head.
What? Think about it.
I'm pretty awesome.
If I go, the world's gonna want me back, so I'll just freeze my head and then when they come up with a cure for whatever I died of, they'll unfreeze me.
That's creepy.
How can you be sure your head will ever get put back on your right body? If I were you, I'd want my head to be put on somebody else's body.
Hey.
That's a good idea.
If you go before me, I'm gonna freeze your head and put it on a dude's body.
- Mom! - Nobody's putting anyone's head on anyone else's body.
No, he will.
He'll do it, and you won't be here, and you won't be able to stop him.
Axl, promise you won't freeze your sister's head and put it on somebody else's body.
I don't know that I can make that promise.
See? You won't be here.
You won't be able to enforce it! Fine.
We'll put it in our will.
You guys have a will? Of course we do.
We scribbled on a napkin, "if we die, Frankie's sister gets the kids.
" That's our will.
We don't listen to you guys when you're alive.
What makes you think we're gonna pay attention to your death napkin? La la la la la la la I don't want to talk about this Did we seriously not make a will? I thought we bought that Johnnie Cochran make-your-own-will floppy disk.
Then I don't have to live with Lucy? Just promise me I don't have to live with Lucy.
Don't worry.
The bank will take the house, if they wait that long And the rest of our vast holdings will be divided equally among our heirs.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! This is not appropriate to be talking about! I call their dresser.
Why do you get the dresser? You don't need a dresser.
You're a head, remember? You don't have clothes! Neither do you.
You're a head on a dude's body.
Mom, he's gonna do it! I told you.
He's still gonna freeze my head.
Don't worry, Sue.
I'll be here.
I'll make sure.
Thank you.
Unless you die in your sleep.
Mom! The point is, it was a lovely service, and-- and today is not about us.
It's about Aunt Ginny and remembering all the good things about her.
It really is.
Oh, I know.
She used to make the best cheesecake.
- Really? - Oh, sure.
It was cherry.
She got the recipe off the box of Graham crackers.
She let me sit on the counter, and I always got the first bite.
I'm hungry.
Can we stop and get cheesecake? - Ooh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's not-- - Yeah.
No, no.
Nobody's stopping.
People are gonna bring food over to the house anyway.
- Why? - Because when somebody dies, you're not supposed to cook.
- Why not? - 'Cause you're not supposed to cook when you're sad.
Are you sad all the time, mom? Yes, but the point is, I'm especially sad today because Aunt Ginny died, and it's a sad day.
I thought we were happy because she died in her sleep.
Yes, it's a happy, sad day, but we're grateful because she lived a long life and she's in a pretty place and she died in her sleep.
Can we please stop saying that?! Oh, I remember something else.
She once met Patton.
- She did? - Hmm.
Wow.
Cool.
Very cool.
You have no idea who Patton is, do ya? Give me a hint.
My God.
That's pathetic.
You're gonna graduate in a year, and you don't even know who Patton is? Well, I could amaze you with some of the stuff I don't know.
So this death napkin that says I have to live with Lucy-- Nobody's living with Lucy.
Nobody's going anywhere! Everyone is staying exactly as they are right here, right now, forever.
The point is, she was a nice lady who looked good and died in her sleep and lived a long life and is in a pretty place and met Patton and made a hell of a cheesecake.
And we'll miss her.
We really will.
With Aunt Ginny gone, I was worried about Aunt Edie.
I mean, we couldn't exactly count on Doris to be her sole support system.
Aunt Edie? Hey.
I brought you a few things.
Ooh! So how ya doin'? You know, Frankie, I'm actually doing pretty well.
Oh, that's so great.
I know it's been a tough week.
Yep.
Tough, tough week.
Ohh.
Do you want me to make you a sandwich? Oh, you've done enough.
How about I make you a sandwich? Are you sure? Absolutely.
I'm fine.
Ginny! Want me to make you a sandwich?! Hey.
How's Aunt Edie doing? Oh, she's doing great.
It's like it never happened, probably 'cause in her mind, it didn't.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
I had to tell her Aunt Ginny died again, and it was as bad as the first time.
At least there was vodka.
Well, I hoped you saved a little for her.
Uhh.
Not much.
Oh, shoot.
You had a meet today? Sorry I missed it.
Yeah, well, it wasn't my best, but you're coming to the one next week, right? At halftime, we're gonna do a really edgy "Macarena.
" Uh, I-I don't know if I can, honey.
I have a ton of stuff to do-- File the death certificate, figure out what we're gonna do about Aunt Edie.
I mean, I am so wiped out.
I can't even look at all-- Oh, did somebody bring lasagna? Okay, here are my top picks of the bereavement food.
Lemon bars are wicked good.
Macaroni salad was a solid 6, but whoever brought the giant cookie-- Ugh.
It was nasty.
Ugh.
Axl! That wasn't a cookie.
That was my Indiana dough map project for school.
Damn it, Axl.
You ate your brother's project? Well, why did he put it on the counter with the bereavement food? I didn't.
I put it on the counter, and people put the bereavement food around it.
Pfft.
Whatever.
I think I did you a favor, anyway.
It needed sugar.
It didn't have sugar, Axl, 'cause it wasn't food.
Well, what am I supposed to do now, tell my teacher my brother ate my homework? If she had Axl, she'd probably buy it.
I guess you're just gonna have to make me a new one.
Axl, your mom has got enough to worry about right now.
You're the one that ate his project.
You're in charge of making him a new one.
Oh, my God! This is so unfair! If you guys don't want me to eat stuff, you gotta say so! You should know My first impulse is to always eat things.
Mmm.
We know where it's at.
Gonna pin 'em to the mat, jack.
Go That's the match! And the meet goes to Logansport.
What happened? Is it over? Our team blows.
That's what happened.
Wait.
Becky, you can't go.
We still have to do the spirit bridge.
We mustn't fret the loss against Logansport.
'Tis God's will.
No, 'tisn't, Ruth.
We can't let God take the flack for this.
It's my fault.
I couldn't bring my usual spirit, and the team suffered.
Sorry.
My aunt died.
I apologize for my lack of spirit.
Death in the family.
Spirit down, so really, really sorry.
I'm sorry about your aunt.
My aunt died in Delaware.
We didn't go to the funeral.
I didn't know her that well.
Oh.
Are you gonna go through the spirit bridge? 'Cause my arms are getting kinda tired.
Yeah.
So how much salt was in it? I don't know.
Mom did it.
You know how much flour? How much flour do you think? I'd say probably about four bags.
Well, how much did you use before? I told you, I wasn't really watching.
Mom did it.
Were there instructions or anything? Probably.
Brick, you gotta start paying more attention to your assignments if you want to get a decent grade.
Sean told me our teacher said that.
Sue.
Wow, this is so weird.
I've never seen you here after school before.
I know.
I've never had an after-school activity.
I'm a late-bus girl now.
Well, I'm glad you're here, because I have to tell you that something very interesting happened in the locker room today.
Really? Somebody on the wrestling team asked if you had a boyfriend because he-- Okay, what I'm about to tell you is really exciting-- Likes you.
What? Are you serious? What somebody said they liked me? It's Matt.
Really?! Oh, wow! Who's Matt? Little powerhouse with tremendous upper body strength and long eyelashes.
Oh, my God.
If he's who I think he is, I think I think he's cute.
And, Sue, as your former first boyfriend, I want you to know that what we had was very special, but I encourage you to fly and be free to explore this with my blessing.
Oh, Brad.
You are truly the best former first boyfriend a girl could ever have.
Wait.
He's not the one who threw up at the last meet, is he? Nuh-unh.
Aah! This is gonna be so awesome! I know! Yeah.
So, what, then we're supposed to cook it? I'm guessing.
How hot? I'd say about 2,000 degrees.
It only goes to 450.
That's probably fine then.
Okay.
Wait a minute.
Hang on.
Hold the phone.
Your brother's a genius.
You ate my dough Indiana.
I highly doubt that.
No, seriously.
This is perfect.
Got brownie mix.
Everything's on the box-- It's got all the ingredients, says how long to cook it.
Boom.
Done.
Gentlemen, how's it going? Good.
Good.
I'm telling you, mom makes a lot of things harder than they need to be.
You know, that could apply to anything.
I don't really need the details.
All right.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I thought you went over to Aunt Edie's.
Please, Mike, can't you go today? I told her Aunt Ginny died six times this week, and I'm not proud of this, but the last time, just to shake it up, I told her it was a hang gliding accident.
Ugh.
I just got home.
Come on.
It won't be that bad.
It's like ripping a band-aid off and putting it back on again and ripping it off again and putting it back on.
She can't stay there alone, Frankie.
We gotta figure somethin' out.
I know.
I know, so how does this sound? "Kind, responsible caregiver wanted to share lovely home" with demented octogenarian who is old of body but young in spirit.
Drinking and smoking a plus.
Must be willing to diaper emphysemic dog "and possibly others.
" You're lucky the economy's in the toilet.
Now while the oven's heating up, we dump the dirty bowls in the sink for mom to deal with later, and then we're done.
You know, I'm pretty good at this cooking thing.
I should have a show.
Did you take the quilt out of there before you turned on the oven? No, we thought we'd cook with the quilt in there.
Duh, dad.
We're not idiots.
Aah.
Ow.
Oh, hey.
You just getting home? Yep.
After-school activities, late bus, you know.
So, dad, you're not gonna believe this.
Brad came up to me on the stairs and said the most shocking thing to me.
He said he has a huge secret.
Oh, Sue, you know, I don't think it's that big a secret.
No, it is.
Guess what he said? A boy likes me.
Brad said that? Yeah, he said a boy likes me.
That's what Brad said? Right.
Uh-huh.
Now when he said that, was that Brad talking or you talking? Dad, there's really only one way to take this.
Brad said a boy likes me.
Mm, I don't think so.
Who's "me" in this scenario? "Me"? "You" you or "you" Brad? - What? - Let's say you wrote it in a book.
Would it say, "'a boy likes me, ' said Brad"? Why would a boy like Brad? Wh-why would Brad say a boy likes him? That doesn't make any sense.
Okay, forget it.
I'm just gonna go tell mom.
Good plan.
Mom, guess what? Brad said a boy likes me.
Wait.
Did he say, "a boy likes me," or did he say, "a boy likes you"? Me, mom.
"Me" as in "Sue.
" What is so confusing about this? A boy likes you.
Wow.
And you like him, too? Duh.
He likes me.
Yeah, I know he likes you, but do you like him back? You heard he likes me, right? Yeah, I got that, but do you like him? I'm not following.
You know, Sue, just because a boy likes you doesn't mean you have to like him back.
I know.
I just hope I do.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
It's just that you're gonna have a million guys beating down your door, so you don't have to jump at the first one.
Well, he's not the first, mom.
I had a whole relationship with Brad.
Or even the second one.
I mean, if you like this guy, great.
I just don't want you to be one of those girls who's so obsessed with having a boyfriend that they forget about what they want.
Make yourself happy first.
"Make yourself happy first.
" Wow.
I sort of felt a tingle when you said that.
That's deep.
That's Oprah deep.
Oh, that was Oprah.
Oh.
Bam! Done.
Axl, this isn't Indiana.
It's just a big rectangle.
Fine, so we just cut off this wedge right here.
Now you cut it too far.
Here.
Give me that.
The southwest tip isn't right.
Wow.
We should make brownies more.
Ours are way better than mom's.
I can't turn this in! Good.
Hey.
What? Hey, Aunt Edie.
Just so you know, we have a couple of interviews lined up for you this week, okay? Oh, I just hope I get the job.
Forget it.
Aha! Is this what you're looking for? O-okay.
Let's keep the cigarette away from the old, dry documents, okay? Uh, yeah, this looks like the birth certificate.
No, wait.
This can't be right.
This says she was born in 1911.
Yes, that's right.
No, I-it can't be.
If Aunt Ginny was born in 1911, that means she was 100.
There's no way she was 100.
Ginny! You're 100, right?! That's pretty cool.
No, it's not cool.
It's not cool at all, Mike.
You're missing the point.
She turned 100, and did we have a big cake for her or send her picture to Willard Scott? No.
What did we do? Um, let me think.
Oh, yeah.
Nothing.
We are the worst people ever! Frankie, you did a ton for Aunt Ginny-- Gave her foot rubs, took her to the liquor store.
You sucked fluid out of her dog's nose with a dropper, for God sake.
You can't beat yourself up about this.
She knew how much you loved her.
No, no, no.
This is about more than just Aunt Ginny.
This is what we do.
We float everything.
We float anniversaries.
We float easter.
I can't even remember when we last celebrated your birthday.
The problem is, you think all those things are important.
See, if you're brought up with no expectations, then when you miss it, you're never disappointed.
Yeah, but we just say we're busy and now's not a good time, and we float and we float and we push away all the fun stuff so we have time for all the crappy stuff.
Look at this.
Memorial Day-- Said we were gonna barbecue.
Ended up doing the laundry.
Brick's winter concert-- There was a chance that could have been fun.
What's this? "Jill and Ryan's wedding.
July 8th.
" Last July 8th.
Looks like it would have been a good one, too, in a real ballroom in Indianapolis.
What? Oh, my God.
There were meal choices, Mike.
I would have had the chicken.
You would have had the beef.
They would have had a deejay.
I would have gotten drunk and worn your tie as a headband.
These are the moments, Mike.
We're missing our life.
We've been busy.
We got a lot of kids.
Are we, Mike? Are we really that busy? 'Cause somehow we still manage to catch every single episode of "Celebrity Rehab.
" Hey, keep TV out of this.
We need TV.
We got nothing else.
Yeah, well, no more.
Where are you going? Sue's wrestling meet is today, and I said I was too busy.
I can't be there for my one and only daughter because of paperwork? Mnh-mnh.
I am not missing out on one more hour of joy.
I'm going.
But tape "Celebrity Rehab.
" There's no more brownie mix.
Hey.
What about this? Pancake mix? That'd make a good Indiana.
No way.
We love pancakes.
It'd never make it till tomorrow.
Well, then we just mix some dirt in the batter.
That way we don't eat it.
Genius.
Just goes to show ya You put syrup on anything, it'll taste good.
So what now? There's no flour, no brownie mix, no more pancake mix, and my project's due tomorrow.
Okay.
Stay with me.
Brilliant idea forming.
We order a pizza and cut that into the shape of Indiana.
Axl, we like pizza! So we order two-- One to turn in, one to eat.
We're not stupid.
Hi there, Matt.
You're Matt, right? I'm Sue Heck.
I know who you are, Sue.
Oh.
Okay.
Excellent.
Uh, well, um, listen, Brad told me that you-- and I-I don't know if this is true-- but that you Maybe sort of like me? Really? Well, first of all, thank you.
That's so nice, but just because you like me doesn't mean I automatically like you back.
As a woman of the '10s, I strongly believe that liking is a two-way street, and I have to make myself happy first.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Check this out.
It's a cheese rive There's no way I'm not getting an "A" - on this.
- An "A"? They're gonna have to make up a whole new grading system.
No one is doing this.
We are revolutionizing the state relief map industry.
Ooh! So do we have to write the date on it or anything? Let me check.
I've got the assignment right here.
Uh-oh.
What? - I have Texas.
- What?! Let me see that.
"Each student will be assigned a different state.
Your state is the Lone Star State"! Are you kidding me?! Are you freakin' kidding me?! Now you know why mom gets so frustrated with me.
Frustrated.
Okay.
I'll just order another pizza.
No, forget it.
I'm exhausted and full.
I'll just take the incomplete and call it a day.
So are you cool if I eat the Amish country? Have at it.
Ha.
Ohh.
Sue.
You made it! I like you, Sue Heck, and I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
Aah! Sue Heck! Sue Heck! Sue Heck! Sue couldn't believe it.
There's nothing she appreciate more than a grand gesture, since she had done plenty of them herself.
Sue Heck! I like you back, Matt! I like you a lot.
So Sue got her first boyfriend-- Well, second, if you count Brad-- But most importantly, I had been there to see it.
The thing is, there's no map that tells you how to make your way through life which moments to stop and enjoy and which ones to speed on by And if there was one, Axl and Brick would have eaten it.
Hey.
What's going on? We're celebrating Aunt Ginny's 100th birthday.
Really? Aw.
happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear Aunt Ginny - happy birthday to you - Mom, you do the honors.
Aw.
This is so-- Hold on.
I have been informed that we floated Axl's last birthday.
Yeah.
happy birthday to you happy birthday to you That night we celebrated five birthdays, two anniversaries, an easter, and a graduation.
I think Aunt Ginny would have liked it.
Oh, I just remembered something else about her.
She loved a good party.