Everybody Hates Chris s03e14 Episode Script

( upbeat theme playing ) CHRIS: Growing up in Bed-Stuy, one holiday I looked forward to was Easter.
That's two boxes of dye and a dozen eggs.
That it? Almost.
You were dressed up, girls were dressed up, and it was a good day to pretend you were on a date.
Since Tasha and I went to the same church, she was the perfect choice.
So you gonna be in that Easter pageant next week? Yeah.
Got an escort? CHRIS: Please say no.
Yeah, Robert.
Hey.
CHRIS: Get lost.
What's up? ROBERT: Did you remember to get the Epsom salt for your grandmother? Got it.
~ All I think about ~ CHRIS: I wasn't proud of it, but I prayed something bad would happen to him.
( rumbling ) Oh, my God! Robert, how will I ever get over this?! ( sobbing ) Oh, I'll help you.
Yeah, I'll help you.
CHRIS: I never got that meteor, but something almost as good happened.
Why say that? That's not what I said.
I heard what you said.
Do you have to be so stupid? You're stupid! No, you're stupid.
I hate you.
It's quits! I hate you.
CHRIS: I love this.
~ When I think of you ~ You okay? It's nothing.
Just forget it.
CHRIS: Time to bust a move, Dumb MC.
Chris, are you going to the Easter pageant with anybody? CHRIS: Yeah, Lisa Bonet.
No.
Why? Would you escort me? Yeah.
Great.
It's a date.
CHRIS: Tasha was on the rebound, so I made like Dikembe Mutombo.
( mouths ): Thank you.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: The biggest deal at our house on Easter was my mother's church hat, because a church hat on Easter was like a gown at the Oscars.
WOMAN: Hey, girl! Here she comes.
Rochelle? Rochelle? Hi, Shaun.
Oh, that hat is fabulous! Thank you.
Who is it? It's a Sean Gianni Vermani.
Ha.
Love you, girl.
You look fabulous! Come on, Julius.
Oh, yes.
ROCHELLE: Julius, come back here.
I need you to help me pick out my Easter hat.
I'd rather pick cotton.
CHRIS: It would be less backbreaking.
Rochelle, we've been doing this for months.
JULIUS: Just pick one.
Oh, Julius, you just don't pick out a hat.
A hat picks you.
Okay, now tell me, which one of these will look better on me? I don't know.
Where's your dress? I put it on layaway.
It's not out yet.
Ooh, which reminds me, I need $10.
CHRIS: My mother didn't put the dress on layaway because it was expensive.
She just started planning for Easter at Thanksgiving.
Mom, why is this cranberry sauce shaped like a rabbit? Because I was testing out my new Easter molds.
Who wants gravy? CHRIS: Nobody! ( groans ) CHRIS: While my mother was judging hats, Greg was judging me.
Don't you think it's kinda weird to have a date on Easter? Less weird than not having a date ever.
Besides, it's not a date.
It's an opportunity.
I guess you're right.
Maybe I should go back to church.
You know, score some babes.
CHRIS: When Greg went back to church, the only one who hit on him was the priest.
It's just that Robert's out of the picture.
If I'm ever gonna have a shot with Tasha, this is it.
I hear you.
Kick a man when he's down, that's what I always say.
CHRIS: That was the only time he ever said that.
Whose side are you on? Yours.
The guy's an idiot.
I haven't even been on one date, and I know you don't break up with a girl before a holiday.
A girl by herself on a holiday is like an ice-cream cone in hell.
It ain't gonna be there very long.
I know I always say this, but this time, dude, you truly are in there.
Wait.
Do you even know what an escort does? CHRIS: I do, but this is a family show.
Meanwhile, my mother was wearing out shoes looking for a hat.
Rochelle, this is the sixth hat shop we've been to today.
Yeah, but they say this is the best hat shop in Brooklyn.
Why didn't we come here first? Well, how would I know if it's the best hat shop if I didn't visit all the lousy ones first? CHRIS: That's how Vanessa looked for a husband.
Oh, yeah, girl, this is nice.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
( sighs ) Oh, can I help you? Yes.
I'm looking for a church hat for Easter.
Not just a church hat.
She needs the churchiest hat you've got.
Uh-oh, sounds like somebody's getting into a hat competition.
Oh, no, she's not gettin' into the competition.
She is the competition.
Rochelle is the three-time winner of the Double Rock on Zion's Holy Gospel Temple of Bethesda Christian Worship Baptist Church Easter Hat Show.
Uh-huh.
She's about to make it number four.
Hello.
( chuckles ) You are Rochelle.
I heard about you.
I'm Hattie.
Hi, Hattie.
Well, this is my friend, Vanessa.
Well, how did you hear about me? Well, I just joined your church, and I have been told that nobody can beat you.
Ha-ha.
You know that's right.
You work here? No, I own the shop.
Thus the name.
Oh.
Well, it's very nice.
You have some really lovely hats.
Um, do you have this one in a medium? Oh, if I did, I wouldn't sell it to you.
What? HATTIE: You see, I plan on winning the hat competition this year.
And as much as I would love your business, I'd be a fool to sell you a hat.
CHRIS: She told her.
( tense theme playing ) Well, uh, Miss Hattie, thus the name, I don't know who you think you are, and I don't know-- No, I'll tell you who I am.
I am the five-time winner of the Fort Greene Greater Faith Holy Baptist Temple of Divinity COGIC Easter Spectacular, and I have graced the cover six times of Hat Weekly, waiting on the seventh.
Isn't that right, Levin? ( chuckles ) Well, Miss Hattie here's a-- A dime.
Oh, what's that for? ROCHELLE: For you to call somebody who really cares.
Yeah, because I'm going to win that competition.
We'll see about that.
Oh, yes, we will.
Come on, Nessa.
CHRIS: While my mother was steaming, at home, things were boiling over.
Chris, how long does it take to boil eggs? I think they're done.
I told you.
What are y'all doing anyway? I mean, I thought you already dyed eggs for Easter.
We did.
These eggs are for the church egg hunt.
Me and Drew are bringing extra, so I can have a head start on winning.
That's cheating.
Not if I don't get caught.
CHRIS: Now Tonya uses the same logic when she does her taxes.
All right, but you better not let Mama catch you either.
I didn't think about that.
Don't worry.
I'll hide 'em in the refrigerator.
CHRIS: Who'd think of looking for eggs there? While Tonya and Drew were getting ready to become career criminals, I was getting ready for my date with Tasha.
Uh, Chris, if you look on that shelf over there, there's an ointment that'll help you with that.
Thanks, Doc, but I don't need any ointment.
So why you walking like there's something swollen, itching or burning? Oh, 'cause Tasha asked me to escort her in the pageant.
So I'm practicing my walk.
CHRIS: Walk like that in Bed-Stuy, you better run.
Why? She seen you walk before? Yeah, I know.
It's just that she just broke up with Robert.
So if I impress her now, she'll forget all about him.
And you will stroll right in and be her new man.
Exactly.
You think that's gonna work? Why wouldn't it? Because she's on the rebound.
Rebound? Yeah.
When you break up with somebody, the next person you end up with, they got you on the rebound.
A person on the rebound will be with anybody just to forget the person they just left.
CHRIS: So who do you have to break up with to end up with Bobby Brown? Well, if I got anything to do with it, she gonna forget all about him.
CHRIS: Maybe if he hit her in the head with a brick.
Well, you got a whole day.
You got plenty of time.
Hey, Doc.
Hey.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Tasha, what's up? My grandmother just told me we're not going to our church this Sunday.
She wants me to do the pageant at her old church in Queens.
Queens? Sorry.
CHRIS: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Now let's go to commercial before I start cursing.
CHRIS: Even though Tasha was going to another church on Easter, I wasn't gonna let that stop me from going with her.
Hey, Tasha, wait up.
What? What time is the Easter pageant at your grandmother's old church.
After the early service at 4:00.
Why? I'll be there.
Really? Yeah, I'll be there.
Thanks, Chris.
I'll see you Sunday.
( sighs ) CHRIS: While I was going all out for Tasha, Drew and Tonya were going all out to win.
We need to figure out a way to get these eggs to church.
I got an idea.
Come over here.
This is where I hide all my stuff from Mama.
Shh.
Don't tell her.
CHRIS: I hope she doesn't have a gun in there.
All right, put the eggs in here.
Be careful.
( sighs ) Now all I gotta do is convince Daddy to let me bring my baby doll to church.
Cool.
While Drew and Tonya were stacking the deck, my mother was stacking her hat.
Girl, I have been working on this hat all day.
You want to see it? Yes.
Open, open, open! ( religious theme playing ) Oh ( laughs ) That's what I'm talking about.
That's a hat.
I just have to do one last thing.
Ooh! Ooh! What's wrong? Ooh, that's a bad hat, girl! Hattie's gonna wish she never even messed with you! CHRIS: And peacocks wished they'd stayed out of your way too.
By the time Easter came, my family was working on more schemes than a pop star in rehab.
Rochelle, I got some bad news.
What? I have to work today.
I can go to the service, but then I have to leave.
No, he don't.
What are you talking about? Nobody works on Easter.
CHRIS: He doesn't either.
What can I tell you? I just got the call.
I didn't hear the phone.
Never rang.
Maybe you were in the bathroom.
I wasn't in the bathroom.
I ain't hear it either.
Hear the phone? I didn't hear the phone.
You? I didn't hear it.
I answered it on the first ring.
CHRIS: No, he didn't.
One of the guys got sick.
They're offering quadruple double overtime.
DREW: Quadruple double overtime? I never heard of that.
You? Never heard of that.
You heard of that? No, I ain't heard of that.
Well, I can't pass it up.
It sounds like a lot of money.
It is.
CHRIS: No, it's not.
Who's gonna escort me in the Easter Hat Show? Drew can.
Why I gotta go? How come you can't go? I gotta help Tonya.
I can help her.
CHRIS: Not if I can help it.
I don't want you to mess your suit up.
ROCHELLE: Chris is right.
Drew can escort me.
But, Chris, I want you and Tonya in your seats clapping for me at 4:00.
Four o'clock? Yeah, that's what time the fashion show starts.
Why, you got something better to do? CHRIS: Yeah.
No.
Okay.
CHRIS: I didn't know how I was gonna be in two places at once, but I wasn't gonna risk blowing it with Tasha.
By the time we got to church, the hat show hadn't started, but the competition was already on.
( whispering ): Praise the Lord.
Hi, girl.
I saved you all some seats.
Okay.
Go in.
Praise the Lord, Brother Brown.
How you been? All right.
Girl, I have not seen you in a month of Sundays.
How you been? CHRIS: Sinning.
( 2001: A Space Odyssey theme playing ) ( softly ): Hi.
Sister Rochelle.
Sister Hattie.
Imagine what they would've called each other if they weren't in church.
Happy Easter, everybody.
ALL: Happy Easter.
Can the church say Amen? ALL: Amen.
Let me get a hallelujah.
ALL: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! ALL: Praise the Lord! All right.
Hey, baby, I have to go to work, so I'll see y'all after.
Okay, baby.
Since I'm making more money, you don't have to cook, so buy a plate for everybody.
CHRIS: Nice touch.
Hey, Mom, me and Tonya are gonna go get a head start on the egg hunt.
Okay, I want you back by 4 though.
We will.
So I guess it's just me and you, Drew.
Yeah, I guess so.
Where you going? I'm gonna meet Tasha in Queens.
I'm gonna tell on you.
What about all those eggs you snuck in? You don't tell on me, I won't tell on you.
Fine.
CHRIS: When a good plan falls apart, you usually have no idea it did until it's too late.
Oh! What happened? I was doing Prince splits and I hurt my ankle.
Oh, no.
What are we gonna do? VANESSA: We should take him to the hospital.
No, I'm talking about the hat show.
Who's gonna escort me? Well, if you want to quit, quit, but don't bring the children in it.
What? Don't act shocked.
I've seen it all before.
I am not pulling out of this competition.
So I suggest that you work on your second-place smile, 'cause I'm taking this grand prize home.
( chuckles ) Where's Julius? He left for work.
Ooh, you know what? Go get Chris.
CHRIS: She was going to get me, but I was getting Tasha.
Hey.
Chris, you made it.
Told you I would.
CHRIS: By the time I got to Tasha, not only did I look good, I was making Robert look really bad.
You know, my grandmother said you were just another no-account Negro who never kept his promises or took care of his responsibilities, and would eventually end up leaving me in the cold with a runny-nosed baby.
CHRIS: Then we'd be on Jerry Springer.
Nah.
I wouldn't do that.
She's probably thinking about Robert.
Yeah, but I don't wanna talk about him.
CHRIS: Good.
Well, we'd better get going.
Looks like the pageant's going to start in a little while.
( indistinct chatter ) Tonya? Ooh, where did you get all those eggs? Did you hijack a chicken? I've just been looking really hard.
Well, where's Chris? CHRIS: Think fast, woman.
Uh, he's looking for eggs.
Well, we need to find him.
Drew sprained his ankle, so he needs to escort your mother to the hat show.
Come on, girl.
Come on, girl! CHRIS: Meanwhile, the only thing my dad was working was the remote control.
MAN ( on TV ): Strike! Strike? What are you talking about? That was low and inside! Come on.
JULIUS: You got him.
Come on.
You got him.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, man! Ah.
CHRIS: Across town, Tasha had lost a boyfriend and won a pageant, and I was there to collect the prize.
VANESSA: What makes you think he's going to be here? Well, he wasn't at Doc's or the playground or the barbershop.
TONYA: Maybe he's here.
What are y'all doing here? We're looking for Chris.
What are you doing here? Where's Chris? VANESSA: Well, we don't know.
That's why we're trying to find him.
Drew sprained his ankle.
There's nobody to be Rochelle's escort.
I thought you had to work.
I did.
I-I just came here to get changed.
Um, I was just catching a little bit of the game before I went in.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Looks like you caught more than just a little bit of the game.
TONYA: Well, somebody needs to go back to church and escort Mama through the hat show, or we're all gonna get in trouble.
Okay, okay.
We'll just keep this between us.
CHRIS: You, them and a five dollar bill.
( organ music playing ) Well, now, this year our fashion show has been nothing less than spectacular.
You got that right! I believe it's the best hat-off we've had in years.
ALL: Oh, yeah.
Does the church agree? ( shouts of agreement ) PREACHER: Amen! Amen! PREACHER: Well, I see the judges have made their decision.
For the past three years, Sister Rochelle has swept the competition.
Hallelujah! PREACHER: But this Easter, our newest member, Sister Hattie, brings a wealth of hat expertise and her awards too.
Damn.
Oops.
I'm sorry.
( shocked murmuring ) ( dramatic organ music playing ) PREACHER: But this year's winner and still champ is Sister Rochelle.
( congregation cheering ) ALL: ~ Her Easter hat Won the hat show ~ ~ Rochelle's new hat Four years in a row ~ ~ She can't believe That she beat Hattie ~ ~ This Easter hat is the hat That made history ~ ~ Oh, oh, oh, oh ~ ~ Oh ~ Where's Chris? ROCHELLE: Where's Chris? Here I am.
( all cheering ) ~ History ~ ~ Yeah, yeah, yeah ~ CHRIS: By the end of the day, I thought it would be different between me and Tasha.
Hey Chris, thanks for coming to my pageant with me.
I had a good time.
Me too.
So I was thinking, you want to do something together sometime? Robert? Where's a meteor when you need one? I'm sorry.
You should be.
Why don't you go somewhere? She don't wanna talk to you.
It's okay, Chris.
CHRIS: No, it's not.
I wanna hear this.
CHRIS: No, you don't.
I didn't mean to call you stupid.
Yes, he did.
And I'm sorry.
CHRIS: No, he's not.
For real? Yes.
CHRIS: No! Don't do it again.
CHRIS: Ain't this about a I heard you won the Easter pageant.
Yeah, no thanks to you.
Unfortunately for me, that was a great Easter, except the wrong person came back after three days.
( sighs ): That feels good.
Mm.
You'll be okay, baby.
I'm proud of you.
I'll go get dinner.
Thank you, baby.
You okay? ( phone ringing ) Uh, I'll get it.
( groans ) ROCHELLE: Hello? What's wrong with you? I ate all the candy I won at the Easter egg hunt.
May I be excused, please? Go upstairs.
I'll check on you later.
Thank you.
Okay.
DREW: Hey, Dad.
When you get done, can I have some more frozen peas? Frozen peas? What are you doing Prince splits for anyway? Between bandages, frozen vegetables-- Mm-hm.
and cleaning your suit, that's $14.
86 worth of split.
I'll bring your peas in a minute.
ROCHELLE: Okay.
Happy Easter.
Come on in, baby, sit down.
Who was that? ROCHELLE: Your job.
It was? Mm-hm.
They want you to come in and work tonight.
They do? Yeah.
You know, it's funny because I told them that you just came from work to escort me in the Easter hat show.
But they said you hadn't been to work all day.
Quadruple double overtime, huh? Hey.
What's going on? Hey, Chris.
Hey, how you doing? Oh, you must be hungry.
Look, um, there's extra 'cause Tonya's sick.
Come on, Drew.
I can't walk.
Oh, we'll bring you some later.
( knock at door ) I'll get it.
JULIUS: You sure? Yes, I'm sure.
You've worked enough today.
Oh, hi, Tasha.
Hi.
Is Chris here? He is, but we're having dinner at the moment.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just wanted to drop these pictures off for him.
And thanks for letting Chris come to Queens and escort me in the Easter pageant.
You are so welcome.
( chuckles ) And thank you.
Happy Easter.
You too.
Okay.
Chris! ~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( organ theme playing ) ~ That Easter hat ~ ~ Won the hat show ~ ~ Rochelle's new hat ~ ~ Four years in a row ~ ~ She can't believe ~ ~ That she beat Hattie ~ ~ This Easter hat ~ ~ Is the hat ~ ~ That made history ~ ~ History ~