Home Improvement s03e14 Episode Script

(all) Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Whoo! Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
I think you all know my assistant - Al Borland.
Today on Tool Time, Tim and I are going to be talking about refinishing.
That's right, Al.
Just when you're finished repairing that old table, you think you're finished, but you're not really finished until you refinish.
Are you finished? No, but I have an uncle who lives in Denmark.
Tim.
Actually, his name's Lars.
We've taken the first coat off of this table, now we're ready to sand it down and put our last coat of stain on there.
Before you get started, be sure to wear protective eyewear and dust mask.
That's right.
Allergic reactions to wood are common when working with members of the nut-bearing family.
Like the Borlands.
It's also a good idea to wear protective gloves.
Al, you're starting to act like my mother.
If that beard were any thicker, you'd look like your mother.
Tim, I think it's a good idea to wear the gloves.
I've been working with wood all my life.
I'm not allergic to hardwood.
That's not the point.
There's a lot of dust here and Well, you can develop an allergy over time.
Symptoms can include puffiness around the eyes, severe rash, extreme swelling.
Oh, Al, I think you may be right.
My eyes are really itchy.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Al, we just had lunch with the crew.
They loved the gag today.
Klaus almost choked on his hot dog.
They loved the way the hands swelled up.
Not as swelled up as your head.
What's eating your shorts? My shorts are fine, thank you.
You're gonna be a load of laughs at dinner tonight.
Not like you've ever been a load of laughs.
I don't think that Ilene and I can make it.
Jill's expecting you.
It's not a good night for us.
Why not? It's personal.
I don't wanna talk about it.
I won't tell anybody.
I'm your best friend.
I'm your only friend.
It's a remark like that that makes me not wanna tell you.
I'm kidding.
I can see a big flannel cloud hovering over your head.
Come on, Al.
Tell me what's the matter.
Well, last night, something very disturbing happened.
Ilene had a dream.
No.
Not a dream.
While she was sleeping? (whistles) Scientists may want to study her.
You don't understand.
It was a very passionate dream.
Clothes were strewn about.
Not strewn about! Yes, strewn.
She was talking to this man who she said had a very deep voice.
And they were they were riding a golden stallion, and he was wearing bicycle shorts.
Get a grip, will you? It's a dream.
Don't you dream about other women sometimes? No! My dreams are good, clean fun.
You're driving yourself crazy over a silly dream with some jerk in it.
Well, it wasn't just some jerk, Tim.
It was you.
Really? Oh, I shouldn't have told you that.
Sure you should have.
A golden stallion.
Hyah! Hyah! Tight bicycle shorts.
Tim! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah It's just a dream, a very common dream.
Women all over the tri-state area look at me as a symbol of virility.
All I can say is, I don't want you showing up in her dreams again, or there's gonna be trouble.
What, are you gonna fall asleep and dream like you're beating me up? OK, I know that it's not your fault.
It's just that Ilene means so much to me.
And, well I wanted to be the one on that golden stallion riding into the sunset, wearing skimpy bicycle shorts.
(whistles) There's a pretty picture.
E-A-T.
"Eat.
" OK, that's three points.
And it only took you half an hour to come up with it.
OK, Randy.
It's your turn.
All right.
I'll put an "M" on top of the "E," and then "L-O-N.
" That's "melon.
" Double word score - Pretty good.
Watch this.
After the "N," I'll add "O-L-O-G-Y.
" That's 16 points.
"Melonology"? The study of melons.
There's no such word as "melonology.
" Yeah, there is.
Call the fruit section at the grocery store.
Who should I ask for - the melonologist? Hey.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Scrabble.
That's a great way to learn words.
Who put down "melonology"? Brad.
Me! All right.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm so proud of Brad.
Playing Scrabble, he came up with "melonology.
" That's not a word, Tim.
Melonology - the study of guys named Mel.
Did you tell Al and Ilene to come for dinner at seven? Yeah.
They almost didn't come.
Al's upset because apparently Ilene had a dream about me.
What'd she eat before she went to sleep? Get this.
She dreamed that I was riding a golden stallion, with a deep sexy voice and tight bicycle shorts.
Wow! She must have had a big bean burrito.
Really? A lot of women watch Tool Time.
Sooner or later, they are thinking, "I want him.
" Smirk if you will, but you're not the only woman who dreams about me.
I don't dream about you, Tim.
It's bad enough I have to see you when I'm awake.
Hey, guys, guys! Come take this laundry.
Take it upstairs, fold it and put it away.
Sure, Mom.
Yes, Mother.
They actually did it.
Be honest with me.
When you dream about me, what am I usually wearing? I told you.
I don't dream about you.
Who do you dream about? You know, the usual.
Like Mario Andretti, Al Unser, that sort of stuff? No.
That's who you dream about.
The guy that I dream about isn't even real.
If he's not real, it's, like, a cartoon character, like Bullwinkle? No, Tim.
It's not Bullwinkle.
Scooby-Doo? (laughs) Yeah, that's right.
You really know me! Me and Scooby-Doo.
I hold Scooby's hand.
We walk along the Scooby-beach.
Do a little Scooby-diving.
Come on! If it isn't Scooby-Doo or Bullwinkle, who is it? I'm not gonna tell you.
You'll make fun of me.
No, no.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll tell you what I dream about if you tell me what you dream about.
I don't wanna know what you dream about.
All right, it's your turn.
(laughs) All right.
If you must know I dream about Tarzan.
Tarzan of the jungle? No, Tarzan of St.
Louis.
Tarzan doesn't even have a car.
We don't need a car.
We never leave the tree house.
It's just Tarzan and me.
I'm Jane.
I'm wearing this cute leopard-skinned outfit, and I have big, beautiful breasts.
I dream about that, too.
What's the big deal about Tarzan? Well, Tarzan's very strong but sensitive.
Takes me in his arms, pulls me up to this big, huge, muscular chest.
I can hear his heart beating.
My heart beats faster.
I close my eyes, he starts kissing my neck Jill Then he starts kissing Got a minute? Sorry.
God, is it hot in here? You told Al and Ilene seven, right? It's ten after.
They're still not here.
Ilene probably wanted to get in a nap, have one more dream about me before tonight.
Stop it right there! No jokes about Ilene's dream tonight.
The last thing in the world I wanna talk about tonight is me on a golden stallion, dressed in bicycle shorts so tight, no woman could resist me.
This is not something that you should joke about.
You saying I can't be myself in my own home? Yes, exactly.
Be somebody else.
Anybody else.
(doorbell rings) I certainly hope Ilene can control herself.
You know how sexy my deep voice is to her.
Then do us all a favor and shut up.
Hi! Come on in.
Hi.
It's great of you to have us over.
It's nice to have you.
I brought a very lovely tart.
Al, that's no way to talk about Ilene.
I was talking about Honey, he was kidding.
You have a delightful sense of humor.
Thanks.
I try.
Well, I have a delightful sense of humor, too.
A lot of people find me hilarious.
Of course you are.
It's just that your humor is more subtle.
Yeah.
Sometimes Al doesn't even get it.
You guys want some wine? I'd love some.
I could be persuaded to partake.
Would you like to sit down? Could you take the cheese with you when you go? Great.
I love a good cheese ball.
So, Ilene, how was work today? Actually, I had a pretty tough day today.
Well, you know what they say about the dental world - "It's like pulling teeth.
" It's pulling teeth.
(forced laugh) Actually, most orthodontists don't pull teeth.
Well, I know that.
I was making a joke.
Oh.
And a good one.
Just a lot more subtle than one I would have picked.
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! I'm trying a new recipe.
I hope you all like it.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be great.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
(Al and Tim choke) You're in luck.
Jill cooked stallion.
Tim.
Did I say "stallion"? I meant "scallion.
" Big golden scallion.
Tim, would you just? I'm talking about scallions.
I know what you're talking about.
Well, it's not like I said she's cooking bicycle shorts.
Wait a minute.
Bicycle shorts? Al, did you tell him about my dream? Well, no.
I Yes.
I told you that in confidence.
And I told you that in confidence.
And I told you not to bring up Ilene's dream! Tim told you? You told Jill? He shouldn't have.
Al, this is your fault.
It's Tim's fault.
It's not.
She had the dream.
Would you please shut up? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are we talking about? It's out.
Now we can laugh about it, huh? I have never been so embarrassed.
Tim, I Ilene! Guys, guys, come on.
What's the big deal? It's just a silly dream.
Jill dreams about being naked, running around with Tarzan.
Tim! How can I confide in you again? I tell you something in private and now the world knows.
It's not like the world knows.
I'm really sorry, Jill.
I'm sorry, too.
I Ilene, come on.
What? (grunts) You gotta like guests like that that don't overstay their welcome.
(Ilene) I thought you and I were tell Tim about me.
Get away from that window! They're really going at it out there.
Tim, I hope you're happy now.
Do you ever stop and think before you make stupid jokes? I couldn't help it.
She said "horse.
" The only thing you could come up with is, "At least she's not cooking bicycle shorts"? You are supposed to be Al's friend.
I am Al's friend.
He was really upset about this, and I was trying to help him get over it.
By embarrassing him.
No, no, no, no, by making him laugh.
I thought if he laughed, he'd realize this is just a silly dream.
How do you think Al's feeling now? How do you think Ilene is feeling? You told them about my Tarzan dream! Well, how do you think I'm feeling? What do you have to feel bad about? I don't know.
Give me a minute.
Jill, it's gonna be OK.
They're a couple, they had a little tiff.
They'll get over it.
Every relationship goes through stuff like this.
In the long run, Al's gonna thank me for this.
Well, thank you, Tim.
There you go.
Ilene broke up with me, she took my car and never wants to see me again.
Al, she's coming back.
How would you know? Well, if she doesn't, it's grand theft auto.
Practicing for the ballet, Wilson? No, Tim.
I'm just reacquainting myself with t'ai chi, an ancient form of Chinese exercise.
It balances the female and the male, the yin and the yang.
From over here, the yin thinks the yang is a "yidiot.
" (chuckles) Troubles, neighbor Tim? I don't know Troubles.
Al's girlfriend Ilene had a dream about me, so I made a joke about it, and she got upset and broke up with Al.
Jill thinks it's all my fault.
Tim, humor can be a wonderful thing.
The Koran says, "He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.
" Yeah Those Koreans know what's funny.
On the other hand, Tim, Cervantes, the 16th-century novelist, said "A jest that gives pain is no jest.
" In this case, you might have caused a little bit of pain.
I certainly didn't mean to.
Jokes are what I'm all about.
That's why people like me.
Well, maybe sometimes you go too far.
I just didn't take the dream that seriously.
Some people do.
You know, dreams can have a deep and profound meaning.
You know what the psychoanalyst Carl Jung said? Yin, yang, Jung? Where does it end, Wilson? Jung said dreams were merely symbols of something else.
Plus, he recognized the significance of names and letters in dreams.
In particular, first initials.
Hmm.
First initials, huh? Jill dreams about Tarzan and Jane.
That's a "T" and a "J.
" She's Jane, that's Jill.
Mm-hmm.
"T" could be Tim.
Tim and Jill.
We're Tarzan and Jane? Very good, Tarzan.
Jung would be impressed.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Hi, Heidi.
Hi, Tim.
Al, I called to see if you needed a ride, but you were gone.
Heidi gave me a ride.
So Ilene still has your car? Yes.
Buddy, on the bright side, without a car, you get some exercise.
Ride your bike to work.
I'll loan you my bicycle shorts.
Sorry, Tim, I'm not my usual jocular self.
Well, the other night, I certainly didn't mean to upset you or Ilene.
I shoot my mouth off, and you're just a big, bearded bull's-eye.
Was that supposed to be an apology? Yeah.
You see? Even in your apologies, you have to insult me.
I'm kidding.
You want to rehearse for the show? You never want to rehearse.
I thought it'd make you feel better.
It's not gonna make me feel better.
Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like.
You must like me an awful lot.
I think of you like one of my brothers.
You do? Yeah.
I joked with them all the time.
That's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.
So what you're saying is that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me? Yeah.
How about when you tease me about wearing flannel? I do that because you look ridiculous.
Well, I never told you this, Tim, but I think of you as a brother, too.
Ilene.
Of course you lean.
You're lopsided.
Down there.
I just stopped by to give you your car.
I got to go back to work.
Ilene, I am so sorry that I told Tim about that dream.
It's just that I was so upset.
I didn't feel like I was man enough for you.
You really felt that way? Yes.
Oh, Al, you are the manliest man I've ever met.
Well, then why were you dreaming about Tim? Oh, could I take a crack at that one? There's this Korean philosopher, Yin Yang Jung, and he talks about dreams, and dreams are a lot about initials.
She's dreaming about Tim Taylor, it's "TT.
" It could have been "tub of tomatoes," "Tony the Tiger" Oh, "Tater Tot.
" Tater Tot, that's it.
Tater Tot.
You put a flannel shirt on a Tater Tot, you got you.
Thanks, Tim.
Mm-hmm.
You've been a big help.
I'm good with dreams.
Oh, Al, it was just a silly dream.
When I'm awake, all I dream about is you.
Well, all I dream about is you.
Really? Yes.
You know, I'm thinking "TT" could be "Tool Time.
" It could be ooh-how! Ta-ta! Tim! Wow! Roses, champagne.
Oh! You even put the little butter knives on.
Tim? Where are you? Tim? Tim? (Tarzan yell) It's 15 degrees out there.
You Jane, me frozen.
Somebody get Macy's on the phone.
Hey, hey, hey! He looks like a blowfish! This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy went home.
Shouldn't have had that last burrito, huh?