King of the Hill s03e14 Episode Script

1 Hank: SO, HEH MEETING A WOMAN ON THE INTERNET.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? NOW, I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING WHILE YOU'RE AWAY.
I EVEN MADE A TAPE OF ALL YOUR PLANTS' FAVORITE SONGS.
OH, BILL, PEGGY AND I WERE THINKING BOBBY COULD TAKE CARE OF BOOMHAUER'S HOUSE WHILE HE'S GONE.
I SEE.
BOBBY'S A GOOD KID, BUT, UH YOU LOOKED AT HIS ROOM LATELY? SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? IT'LL BE GOOD FOR THE BOY TEACH HIM SOME RESPONSIBILITY.
YEAH, MAN, WHATEVER, YOU KNOW, LIKE, LOT TO DO, MAN.
WATER THEM BONSAI, FEED THE KOI.
JUST THINK, BILL.
THIS'LL FREE YOU UP FOR NEW CHALLENGES.
HEH-HEH.
LIKE WHAT? SO IF WE COULD HAVE THE KEYS? OOPS.
HERE.
NOW, YOU KNOW I'M NOT REALLY HERE FOR A FREE HAIRCUT.
I'M HERE BECAUSE I LIKE TO CHECK UP ON WHAT'S HAPPENING WHAT'S GOING ON, WHAT'S NOW.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, BABY DOLL, YOU ARE VERY NOW.
THANK YOU.
( chuckling ): YOU'RE WELCOME.
THE NAME IS RAD THIBODAYOKS-SSS.
HERE'S MY CARD, YOU KNOW, SO YOU KNOW I'M FOR REAL.
"RADICAL CONCEPTS.
" ( laughing ): THAT SOUNDS EXCITING.
WELL, ONLY IF YOU THINK THE FAST-PACED, CELEBRITY-FILLED LIFE OF A CONCERT PROMOTER IS EXCITING.
OH, AND YOUR NAME IS RAD.
HOW CLEVER.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NOTICED THAT, UH WE'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT ABOUT RAD AND NOT TOO MUCH ABOUT MISS SWEET LUANNE.
AH, ME, TOO.
WELL, TELL ME SOMETHING.
YOU GOT A LOVER? YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
MY LAST ONE, BUCKLEY, BLEW UP IN A PROPANE EXPLOSION.
YOU KNOW, I CAN TELL YOU'RE A VERY SENSITIVE YOUNG WOMAN AND SENSITIVE PEOPLE THEY DO HAVE A HARD TIME IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY.
I MEAN, I SHOULD KNOW.
AS A SELF-PROCLAIMED GENIUS I, MYSELF, RAD THIBODAYOKS-SSS, AM OFTEN MISUNDERSTOOD.
SELF-PROCLAIMED GENIUS? YES.
YOU POOR THING.
OH WHAT DO YOU THINK? DAMN, THAT'S A FINE JOB, BABY.
THAT'S SUCH A FINE JOB, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO ASK YOU OUT.
SEE, YOU DON'T KNOW IT YET, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY YES.
HE'S RIGHT! I'M TRUSTING YOU WITH BOOMHAUER'S KEYS, BOBBY.
NOW, REMEMBER, IT DOESN'T JUST UNLOCK THE FRONT DOOR IT UNLOCKS A NEW PHASE IN YOUR LIFE AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
WHY IS MR.
DAUTERIVE LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT? HE'S PROUD OF YOU, TOO, BOBBY.
( phone ringing ) Yo, man, dang ol' leave a message, man.
I'm busy right now.
Just leave name, number, date.
No dang ol' that soliciting, nothing like that.
Dale: Boomhauer, pick up.
Boomhauer, pick up.
Pick up, Boomhauer.
P Oh, right, you're away.
( car horn playing tune ) HEY, GOOD LOOKIN'.
HEY.
BOBBY, THIS IS MY NEW FRIEND RAD.
THAT'S WHA HIS LICENSE PLATE SAYS.
WELL, YOU SEE, IN THE INDUSTRY A MAN IS ONLY AS GOOD AS HIS WORD, SO KEEP IT.
YOU KNOW, NOBODY'S GOING TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE A MAN WHO KEEPS HIS WORD.
YOU BREAK IT OH, GOD MAN, I'M TELLING YOU, THE FREEBIES THEY DRY UP LIKE A PUDDLE IN THE SUN.
WHOA.
RAD, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "THE INDUSTRY"? THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.
WHOA! ( chuckling ): THERE YOU GO.
( playing jazz ) ( scat singing badly ) DOO-OH, MY! DAD, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEE A NEW FRIEND OF MINE AND LUANNE'S.
HEY, HEY THERE, PARTNER.
NAME'S RAD THIBODAYOKS-SSS.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU HERE YOU GO, BUSINESSMAN TO BUSINESSMAN.
ISN'T THAT PRONOUNCED "THIBODEAUX"? WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, BY MISTAKE.
BUT NO DAMAGE DONE.
NOW, LUANNE HAS TOLD ME ABOUT YOU SO I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THESE FREE CDs.
"AOL"? MM-HMM.
AND GUESS WHAT.
YOU SIGN UP RIGHT NOW, I GET TEN FREE HOURS.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS TELL THEM THAT "SOOORAD AT AOL.
COM" SENT YOU.
( chuckling ) HEY, MOM, DAD, GOT IT GOIN' ON? I GOT WHAT DOING WHAT? BOBBY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR SLEEVES? WELL, THIS IS HOW RAD SLEEVES HIMSELF.
IT'S INDUSTRY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T MUCH CARE FOR THAT RAD FELLA.
RAD THIBODAYOKS IS A SELF-PROCLAIMED GENIUS.
I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU A SANDWICH, SWEET LUANNE.
WHAT KIND YOU WANT? I'D LIKE A UM I DON'T KNOW.
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA, WHAT'S WRONG, BABY DOLL? NOTHING.
( voice breaking ): OH, IT'S JUST WELL I DIDN'T EVER GET TO GO ANYWHERE THIS FANCY WITH BUCKLEY.
WELL, EXCEPT HIS FUNERAL RECEPTION.
OH, THERE, THERE, SWEETNESS.
IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.
RAD'S HERE, BABY.
RAD'S HERE.
SAY MY NAME.
RAD.
MMM SAY, A.
J.
, GOT IT GOIN' ON? WHOOPS! CAREFUL, BOBBY, YOU COULD HAVE WET RAD.
OH, RAD'S COOL WITH THAT.
AREN'T YOU, RAD? UH, RAD, I WAS SPEAKING TO YOU.
BOBBY LISTEN, I KNOW YOU WANT MY ATTENTION AND THAT'S NOTHING I CAN'T HANDLE BUT AT THE MOMENT, I AM BUSY WITH THE LADY.
YOU CAN SEE LUANNE ANYTIME BUT I HAVE SCHOOL AND STUFF TO DO.
I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF BOOMHAUER'S HOUSE WHILE HE'S AWAY.
MM-HMM.
HOW LONG IS, UH HE AWAY FOR? PLEASED TO SEE YOU ENJOY THE MUSIC, Y'ALL, AND THE FREE FOOD.
I'LL GO PUT THIS ON THE BED.
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA.
YOU BETTER NOT DO THAT NOW.
JEREMY'S IN THERE.
HE IS BUSY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
HA-HA-HA.
IN THE MEANTIME YOU KNOW, I AM FEELING KIND OF THIRSTY AND MY BEVERAGE IS ON THE SOUTH END OF THE LEVEE.
YOU KNOW WHERE BOOMHAUER KEEPS HIS SPARE STASH? I'LL GET HIS NUMBER FROM BOBBY.
WE CAN CALL HIM AND ASK HIM.
( both laughing ) LISTEN TO YOU HEY, DOES BOOMHAUER KNOW ABOUT THIS PARTY? UH, DOES HE NEED TO? YES.
WHY? THIS ISN'T FAIR.
I AM NOT A SELF- PROCLAIMED GENIUS SO I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE AS GOOD AN ANSWER AS YOU DO.
WAIT, WAIT, I KNOW WHY.
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD TELL PEOPLE IF YOU'RE GOING TO THROW A PARTY IN THEIR HOUSE WITHOUT ASKING THEM.
AND THE RAD I FELL IN LOVE WITH OUGHT TO KNOW THAT.
SO COME ON.
MAKE EVERYONE LEAVE! WHOA, NOW, LUANNE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME AND MR.
BOOMHAUSER LOOK LIKE BAD HOSTS, DO YOU? THAT'S IT, RAD THIBODAYOKS-SSS! I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE! WAIT A MINUTE, NOW.
I NEVER PROCLAIMED YOU TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND, BABY DOLL.
( Rad chuckling ) WELCOME, BUDDY.
ENJOY THE MUSIC AND THE FREE FOOD.
I WILL NOT! YOU GET OUT OF HERE! YOU, TOO! AND YOU, TOO! THIS IS A SMOKE-FREE HOUSE! THE ONLY THING HOTTER THAN THIS TUB IS YOU TWO LADIES.
UH-OH.
DAD, I'M IN MY UNDERPANTS.
YEAH, THAT WAS YOUR DECISION.
YOU GOT TO LIVE WITH IT.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
12 YEARS OLD AND DRINKING A BEER? I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT.
NOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET ME MAD.
YOUR FATHER AND I ARE REPLACING YOU AS BOOMHAUER'S HOUSE SITTER.
WE'LL BE KEEPING THE ONE DOLLAR A DAY FOR OURSELVES.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR SUITCASE OF PROPS.
FINE.
I CAN DO MY COMEDY WITHOUT PROPS.
SO, YOU EVER NOTICE HOW HOW? YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY PROPS! ( sobbing ) BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M PROPLESS.
HEY, YOU CAN'T THROW THOSE OUT.
THIS CD IS ALL I'VE GOT LEFT OF RAD.
HE DIDN'T GIVE IT TO YOU, BOBBY.
HE GAVE IT TO ME.
YOU WERE NEVER EVEN PART OF HIS INNER CIRCLE.
YOU WERE JUST A HANGER-ON.
TAKE THAT BACK.
LIKE A.
J.
STATE YOUR PURPOSE.
MR.
GRIBBLE, I'M HAVING A PROBLEM WITH LUANNE.
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GETTING EVEN WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE SOMETHING BAD TO YOU? ( loudly ): UH, NO, BOBBY, NOTHING AT ALL.
( chuckles ) ( air horn blaring ) ( Luanne screaming ) ( air horn blaring ) OH, BOBBY! ( grunting ) JUST GARDENING.
( chuckling ) EW! ( Bobby spitting ) CUT IT OUT, BOBBY.
NO ONE'S LAUGHING.
I DIDN'T DO IT.
BOBBY, WE JUST SAW YOU SPIT DIRT ALL OVER WHY WOULD I PUT DIRT IN MY OWN FRUIT PIE? MY OWN FRUIT PIE.
WHY YOU DO A LOT OF THINGS IS A MYSTERY TO ME.
( muffled chuckle ) ( growling ) SEE YOU LATER, AUNT PEGGY.
( people laughing ) ( growling ) IF I FIND OUT THAT THIS WAS YOU AND NOT A LAUNDRY ACCIDEN I'M GOING TO BE REALLY MAD.
HUH? WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT.
PEGGY, PEGGY, COME IN HERE.
OH, MY.
WELL, THAT'S ME.
A CAMERA IN THE BEDROOM.
THIS IS KIND OF FUN.
THIS IS HANK HILL WITH THE NEWS.
HANK, YOU ARE TERRIBLE.
YOU'RE GETTING TO BE A HANDFUL, BOBBY AND NOBODY LIKES A HANDFUL.
AHA.
( humming tune ) SWEET TARTS? ( growling ) OH, IF THIS IS WRONG, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.
COULDN'T HELP HEARING THE BUBBLES.
MIND IF I JOIN? OH, DEAR LORD! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, DALE.
NO! NO! OH, NO! IS ANYTHING THE MATTER, LUANNE? MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS HAVE STOPPED WORKING.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN THEY STARTED TASTING SWEET.
LIKE CANDY? ( laughing ) THIS ISN'T FUNNY, BOBBY.
OH, I DISAGREE.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
EVERY WOMAN HAS TO TAKE A BIRTH CONTROL PILL EVERY DAY OR ELSE THEY GET PREGNANT.
JUST TAKE TWO NOW.
HURRY! THAT WOULD DESTROY MY INSIDES.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
TAKE 'EM! ( door opening ) THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TEACH DALE THE MEANING OF "NO.
" MOM, DAD, I'VE GOTTEN LUANNE PREGNANT! LUANNE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THIS.
I DID.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CONSEQUENCES IF YOU HAD TAKEN ONE OF THOSE FAKE PILLS AND HAD UNPROTECTED SE UGH! I ONLY GOT THE PILL TO CLEAR UP MY COMPLEXION AND REGULATE MY AW! BOBBY'S THE ONE WHO MESSED WITH MY MEDICINE.
YOU MESSED WITH HIS FRUIT PIES.
AFTER THAT, HE HAD NOTHING TO LOSE.
I'LL GO TELL HIM THE TRUTH RIGHT AWAY.
NO, NOT SO FAST.
BOBBY HAS TO LEARN THAT WHAT HE DID WAS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
NOW, AS FAR AS HE KNOWS, YOU ARE STILL EXPECTING.
YOU WANT ME TO LIE? WELL, DECEIVING SOMEBODY IS NEVER GOOD.
BUT IN ORDER TO TEACH BOBBY THE MEANING OF RESPONSIBILITY I'LL DO IT! SO, HOW'S IT GOING THERE, SPORT? NOT SO GOOD.
PRETTY BIG SCREW-UP, HUH? I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, DAD.
WELL, HECK, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
THE POINT IS, YOU CAN MAKE UP FOR THEM.
REALLY? HOW? BY DOING THE RIGHT THING, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MARRY LUANNE.
BUT I'M ONLY 12 YEARS OLD.
WELL, JUST THINK, YOU COULD BE MARRIED FOR 80 YEARS.
DAD, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME MARRY LUANNE.
YES, I CAN, BOBBY.
YOU'RE ONLY 12 YEARS OLD.
PLEASE, DAD, I DON'T WANT TO MARRY LUANNE.
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.
YOU DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF BOOMHAUER'S YOU DRANK BEER, YOU MESSED WITH LUANNE'S LADY PILLS.
I ASK YOU, IS THAT RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR? NO.
WELL, THEN, HAVING TO MARRY LUANNE WILL BE A GOOD LESSON FOR YOU.
LUANNE, I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES BUT I WAS KIND OF HOPING WE COULD MAKE UP AND NOT GET MARRIED.
UNCLE HANK, BOBBY'S TRYING TO GET OUT OF MARRYING ME! Hank: BOBBY, YOU CUT THAT OUT.
Bill: YOU BARELY TOUCHED THAT SUNDAE, BOBBY.
I'M NOT REALLY HUNGRY.
COME ON, WHAT KIND OF BACHELOR PARTY IS THIS? BETTER LIVE IT UP WHILE YOU CAN BEFORE THE WIFE IS AFTER YOU TO WATCH THE WAISTLINE.
( laughing ) YEP.
THIS IS THE LAST FREE NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.
TO MR.
AND MRS.
BOBBY HILL.
MAY THEIR MARRIAGE BE EVERY BIT AS WONDERFUL AS MINE IS.
AND AS MINE WAS.
OH! BOBBY, I'VE GOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK.
HOMEWORK.
( dejected laugh ) YOU GO ON AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
JUST LET ME WATCH YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
EW.
OH, MY LITTLE MAN, I BROUGHT THIS FOR YOU.
MOM, MOM, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU DON'T.
( piano playing "The Wedding March" ) COME, MY CHILD.
( playing "Here Comes The Bride" ) MINH! MINH! IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING! BOBBY HILLBILLY IS MARRYING HILLBILLY COUSIN! YOU OWE ME FIVE DOLLARS! IN YOUR FACE! BOBBY, DO YOU TAKE LUANNE TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE? TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH TILL DEATH DO YOU PART? ( gasping ) THAT SOUNDS LIKE A "YES" TO ME.
ALL RIGHT.
LUANNE, DO YOU TAKE BOBBY TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND? I DO.
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.
OH, BOBBY! OH, NO.
I-I-I THINK I NEED TO LIE DOWN.
( playing "That's Amore" ) ( gasping ) OH, CAN I TELL HIM NOW? CAN I TELL HIM HOW WE FOOLED HIM? OH, LUANNE, I AM REALLY, REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS, HONEY BUT I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
IT TURNS OUT THAT BILL IS ACTUALLY A LICENSED MINISTER.
YOU MEAN I'M REALLY MARRIED TO BOBBY? LEGALLY, YES.
THEN I'LL JUST GET A DIVORCE.
THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL SAY HE HIT ME.
I GUESS YOU COULD DO THA BUT THE LAW IS, YOU HAVE TO WAIT A YEAR.
THAT'S TO GIVE YOU TIME TO PATCH THINGS UP.
NO! ( chuckling ) PLEASE, LUANNE I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR THIS YET.
LOOK, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS BEING MARRIED THING SO THE SOONER WE MAKE THE RULES, THE BETTER.
I GET TO DATE AS MUCH AS I WANT WITH WHOEVER I WANT.
YOU CAN SEE CONNIE IF YOU WANT TO, BUT JUST NOT IN PUBLIC.
NO, I CHANGED MY MIND.
YOU CAN'T SEE CONNIE EVER.
LOOK AT THE HAPPY NEWLYWEDS.
( chuckling ) HOW COME THEY GET TO BE MARRIED WHEN I NEVER DO? WHY DO THEY GET TO BE SO HAPPY? IT'S NOT FAIR.
IT'S NOT IT'S A FAKE! IT'S ALL A FAKE! I'M NOT A MINISTER! DALE USED A SELF-PLAYING PIANO! IT'S ALL A GREAT IT'S A GREAT BIG FAKE, IS WHAT IT IS! THAT SURE WAS SOME GOOD PARENTING.
I DON'T THINK THE EXPERTS WOULD DISAGREE.
( knocking ) MR.
DAUTERIVE SAYS BOBBY AND I AREN'T REALLY MARRIED! I'M STILL KEEPING THOSE PLACE MATS HE GAVE US.
PLACE MATS? THAT'S IT? WELL, HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS.
YOU WANT SOME MILK WITH THAT? I DO.
( both laughing ) I'M GLAD WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULD DO A WHOLE LOT WORSE.
I'M SORRY FOR THE PRANKS, LUANNE.
AND YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T OPEN YOUR LAUNDRY HAMPER VERY QUICKLY UNLESS YOU LIKE SNAKES.
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO RIDE DOWNHILL ON YOUR BIKE.
SOMETHING MIGHT BE WRONG WITH THE BRAKE CABLE.
Bobby: OH, DON'T USE YOUR MOUTHWASH AROUND AN OPEN FLAME, ALL RIGHT? Luanne: I'LL TRY NOT TO.
OH, UM, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STOP DRINKING THAT MILK.
( Bobby choking ) Bobby: I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR THIS YET.