The Golden Girls (1985) s03e14 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidante (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Oh, boy.
What a day.
What happened? Butch and Sundance steal your seat on the bus? I had a miserable day.
That manager docked me a half day's pay because I said hello to the customers.
You're not allowed to say hello? Not at Pecos Pete's Chow Wagon.
You have to say howdy.
As a matter of fact, you say, "Howdy, partner? How about a saddlebag of fries with that ranch house burger?" I don't know why it doesn't trip naturally off my tongue.
Sophia, they took half your day's pay just for that? This manager is a shark.
He's buckin' for supervisor.
He told Mildred and Edna they could only take ten-minute bathroom breaks.
Well, Ma, that's not unreasonable.
Please! They're 85.
It takes Mildred ten minutes to roll down her stockings.
You'll never guess what I got in the mail.
If it's one of those adult toys from the back of a sleazy magazine, I'm not interested.
- I am.
Let me see it.
- Ma! You wait your turn.
It's a postcard from my daughter, Rebecca.
Girls, can you believe it? After almost four years, my baby's comin' to see me.
- I'm so happy I could cry.
- Blanche, you are crying.
Admit it, Rose.
You worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.
- Huh? - Fine.
Play it cagey.
When is she coming, Blanche? She says in two weeks.
Look.
She signs it "Love, Rebecca.
" I guess that means she's forgiven me.
- Forgiven you for what? - It's difficult to talk about.
She wanted to leave school to become a fashion model.
You're daughter's a fashion model? She's just beautiful.
Always has been.
Gorgeous blonde hair, sparklin' blue eyes, a figure men would mortgage a house for.
We were always so much alike.
And so close, just like Siamese twins.
It's a shame when they separated you, you got both butts.
[Chuckling.]
Yes.
Anyway, we had a terrible fight about her quittin' school.
She told me to stay out of her life.
She swore she would never speak to me and hasn't.
That sounds like it's in the past.
I hope so.
I have missed her.
She's always been my favorite.
It sure makes me appreciate the special relationship I have with my daughter.
- Pussycat? - Yes, Ma? Dial your sister.
I never remember the area code.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Right.
6:00 at Mildred's.
We're putting together a list of demands to present to that scuzzball, McCracken.
Good.
Oh, and, Edna, bring some sherry.
Nobody bought that glaucoma story when you whipped out that reefer last time.
No.
No, you can't put it in brownies.
I said no reefers.
Okay? Good-bye.
The problems you're having remind me of something that happened in St.
Olaf.
Dust reminds you of something in St.
Olaf.
I got work to do.
- I moved your things into my room.
- Why did you do that? Blanche's daughter.
You're gonna have to sleep with me.
Let me respond to that the way your dates do.
"No, thanks.
I'll call you sometime.
" - Okay, girls, how do I look? - Oh, Blanche, you look beautiful.
But do I look like a mother? Are you kidding? From the side, you look like you're about to drop twins.
Blanche, relax, honey.
You look lovely.
I'm so nervous about seeing Becky after such a long time.
- I want everything to be perfect.
- It will be.
I don't know what to say to her.
Johnny Carson had that same problem the other night with F.
Murray Abraham.
[Doorbell rings.]
Good Lord, that's her.
My beautiful baby girl.
[Gasps.]
Oh, gosh.
I can't do this.
I'm not ready.
Blanche, come back.
- I need more time.
- It's been four years.
I need five more minutes.
I need four years and five minutes.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- All right, all right.
I'm coming.
Hi.
You're Blanche's daughter, the model? What did she model, car covers? You'll have to forgive my mother.
It's just that we didn't expect you to be this fat.
Becky, it's a pleasure meeting you.
- I'm Dorothy.
This is Rose.
- [Both.]
Hi.
- This is my mother, Sophia.
- Nice to meet y'all.
Becky, what brings you to Miami? My guess is, a small barge.
Why don't you see what's keeping Blanche? Mama.
Rebecca.
Oh! Honey.
Honey.
- Let me get a look at you.
- This could take several hours.
- Darlin', I have missed you so much.
- Oh, I missed you, too, Mama.
- Maybe we should leave them alone.
- No.
Don't you leave, girls.
I want my friends to share my happiness.
My enormous happiness.
Tell me all about Paris.
Where'd you live? Where'd you work? Where'd you find jeans that size? - Sophia.
- That's okay.
I may have lost my figure, but I still have my sense of humor.
Does it bother you that I gained weight? I'm just so glad to have you back again.
I'll show you where you'll be stayin' so we can unpack.
Now I understand why she's sleeping in Blanche's bed.
It supports the weight of an average female and two Venezuelan soccer players.
- Here we are.
- Oh, I love your home, Mama.
Thank you.
Well, honey, tell me.
How's your modeling career been goin'? Well, to be honest, Mama, not too well lately.
- What have you been doin'? - You mean besides eatin'? - I didn't say that.
- That's what you meant.
Well, you have filled out a little bit.
But I don't want you to be upset, Becky.
We can fix it.
I'm gonna put you on a diet.
I don't want help.
I'm happy the way I am.
Happy? Look at yourself.
How could you be happy? You're not happy, Mama.
You're doin' it again.
You're tellin' me how to live.
- What do you mean? - Nothing's ever enough for you.
I had to be the prettiest.
I had to be the most popular.
I had to be the brightest.
That didn't mean you had to run out and become the fattest.
Mama, you have to accept me for what I am.
You have to stop tryin' to run my life, otherwise I'm gonna have to leave again.
Now, honey Oh, you know, you're absolutely right.
I'm sorry.
Oh, hey, I love you just the way you are.
Every last pound of you.
Just exactly how many pounds is it I'm currently lovin'? - Mama! - Never mind.
Hi, Sophia.
How was your meeting? Terrible.
That weasel of a manager wouldn't budge an inch.
He pushed us to the wall.
- Now it's war.
- What do you mean? Tomorrow morning, all Chow Wagon employees over the age of 70 are officially out on strike.
- You're gonna picket the restaurant? - No.
We're gonna put on war paint and shoot flaming arrows at the covered wagon out front.
Gee, that might even get you on the 6:00 news.
The table on the lanai's set.
Rebecca should be here with Jeremy.
Did Rebecca bring Jeremy to Miami to meet you? - She didn't say.
I didn't wanna ask.
- You think he might be her boyfriend? I didn't see any pictures of him when I went through her things.
Went through her things? Why didn't you just ask? Hey! I don't stick my nose in where it doesn't belong.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- That must be them.
Hi, Mama.
This is Jeremy.
- Nice to meet you.
- A pleasure.
- Come in.
Sit down.
- Thank you.
You have a lovely home.
Thank you.
You seem like a nice young name.
He is a nice young man.
- Becky, was she talking to you? - I'm sorry.
Hors d'oeuvres are now being served.
Meet my mother's friends.
This is Dorothy, Sophia, and Rose.
Nice to meet you.
Jeremy, where did you and Rebecca meet? We met at a café in Paris.
There weren't any tables left, so I just sat at Becky.
Why don't we move out to the lanai for dinner.
- I'll show you the way.
- Let me help you.
- Thank you.
- Becky? Oh.
Yeah.
Mmm.
That fettuccini was sensational.
You ladies made a great meal.
As long as you're handin' out compliments, you haven't said anything about my outfit.
That's not very nice.
I'm trying to be nice.
That's why I didn't say anything.
You all get comfortable and I'll make a pot of hot coffee.
Which I'd like to pour down his pants.
How can you let him talk to Becky that way? Dorothy's right.
I haven't heard anyone insult someone like that since Lars Svensson accused Erik the Red of being a coward and called him yellow.
Wouldn't that make him Erik the Orange? I'm not about to meddle in Becky's personal life.
I made that mistake once before.
Blanche, this is different.
He is downright cruel to her.
If Rebecca doesn't mind it, it is none of my business.
She's only known him a short time.
I'm sure she'll come to her senses before very long.
Ma, you don't have to help with the dishes.
- I couldn't listen to that anymore.
- You mean Jeremy's rude remarks.
I mean Rebecca talking about marrying that jerk.
Are you tellin' me Rebecca and Jeremy are plannin' to get married? Yeah.
I overheard them talking.
Maybe you misunderstood.
Please.
Me misunderstand? My bladder may be weak, my eyesight may be failing, my bones may be brittle I see your point.
Maybe you better double-check.
Rebecca, Jeremy, is there something you would like to tell me? - As a matter of fact, yes.
- Please, Becky, let me do it.
Blanche, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
I'd take the rest of her, but I've got a bad back.
Jeremy, be serious.
Mama, Jeremy's asked me to marry him and I've said yes.
You are happy for me, Mama? Happy? Happy.
Honey! Happy isn't the word for it.
Oh! - Well, we're off to the game.
- I didn't know you played baseball.
We're not gonna play.
We're gonna see a game.
Mama offered to drive us to see the Dodgers.
Jeremy's a big baseball fan.
Becky's a bigger one.
Becky's a bigger everything.
Not everything, Jeremy.
- Well, we don't wanna miss anything.
- I wanna buy Becky a Dodger cap, see how many people mistake her for Tommy Lasorda.
That's it.
That is it! Now, calm down.
We'll bring you back a cap, too.
I can't take it anymore.
I've gotta say something.
I know how frustrating it is, but there's nothing we can do.
It's her daughter.
It's her choice.
It's like something back in St.
Olaf.
Rose, stop.
When any one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear is "Back in St.
Olaf.
" Did it occur to you we might be tired of "Back in St.
Olaf," "Back in St.
Olaf'? Gee, no.
I never realized.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Back in that town whose name - Rose! We need the kitchen.
- What's going on? - A showdown with McCracken.
Your boss is coming? A week on strike has had its effect.
He wants to negotiate.
I insisted we do it on our turf.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- That's him.
Let him in.
I gotta prepare the table.
Excuse me.
- Why are you doing that, Sophia? - It's a power move.
- Three of us against one.
- And I get to look down on him.
Ma, Mr.
McCracken's here.
Ladies, let's get down to business.
I've got to get back for the lunch rush.
We'll just leave you to your negotiations.
Can we get you some milk or some Double Stuf Oreos? - No, thank you, ma'am.
- Boy, he's tough.
Have a seat, boss.
I've read your list of demands.
Wait, McCracken.
Before you begin, I wanna tell you something.
I'm no novice when it comes to negotiations.
- Oh, really? - Let me tell you a story.
Picture it: Sicily, 1922.
An attractive peasant girl, who has saved her lira, embarks on a glorious vacation to a Crimean resort on the Black Sea.
For weeks, she frolics at the seaside resort and enjoys the company of many young men, all of whom adore her.
All of them? Shut up, Edna.
I work alone.
All of them.
When it's time to return to Sicily, three different suitors beg her to stay.
But she can't decide who to choose, so she chooses none of them.
But she agrees to meet with them at the same resort many years later.
To her trio of suitors, that eventful gathering was referred to as "Rendezvous With Sophia.
" But to the rest of the world, it was better known as the Yalta Conference.
You expect me to buy that? The only reason I came here was so you wouldn't cause a scene at the Chow Wagon when I fired you.
Fired us? You heard me.
No story is gonna change my mind.
Not even the one we could tell your father about how his car got dented while you were doing wheelies and not while it was sitting in the parking lot? You wouldn't do that.
Would you? Hey.
She's your grandmother.
Has she ever lied to you? Is Jeremy coming in a taxi or driving to the airport? - He's takin' the car.
- Uh-huh.
Well, that's good.
- I guess this is it.
- Oh, I hate these moments.
I never did learn how to say good-bye.
Oh, there are so many ways to say farewell.
Auf Wiedersehen, arrivederci, adiós, hasta luego,,, Get lost.
See? There's another one.
Good, Dorothy.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh.
- Didn't you hear me honking? - We were saying good-bye.
Well, hop to it.
Kiss-kiss, hug-hug.
We're outta here.
Mama, thanks for being so understanding about our wedding.
That's me.
Old, understandin' Mama.
It's simpler if Jeremy and I run off and do it ourselves.
That'll be the day when you run anywhere.
Do you think you can be patient? I know things move slow here at Sunnybrook Farm, but we have a plane to catch.
- The kitchen.
- What? You heard me.
Into the kitchen right now! Rebecca, I've held my tongue for two solid weeks, but I cannot any longer.
I am your mother, and I cannot let you go out that door without asking you why, of all the men on God's green Earth, have you decided to marry that lump of nothin'? Because I want a husband, a family, and Jeremy may be my last chance.
- That's just nonsense.
- Oh, Mama, look at me.
Open your eyes.
- I'm not beautiful.
I'm not a catch.
- For that man, you certainly are.
He's got you thinkin' that you need him.
He's the one who needs you.
You're the only woman on Earth who's kind and caring enough to give him a glance.
He's not good enough for you! Do you hear what you're saying? You're doing it again.
He's not good enough for you.
Neither am I.
I never have been.
- I wish I'd never come here.
- Rebecca.
Becky Sue.
Let's go, Jeremy.
- Finally.
- Rebecca.
Rebe Wait! Oh, damn! It's not like Blanche to go to bed at 8:00.
At least not by herself.
Blanche is depressed, Rose.
Do you think she's depressed about Rebecca? No, Rose.
She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Ah.
I remember when I was a little girl when we'd get depressed.
Grandma could always cheer us up.
She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under her chin and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek.
We could've watched it all day.
But visiting hours were only from 10 to 4.
I couldn't sleep.
I just kept tossin' and turnin', thinkin' about the mistake I made.
- Blanche, you did the right thing.
- You're only sayin' that.
- Sophia, am I a bad mother? - You did what you had to do.
Why do I feel so terrible? Because it is not easy being a mother.
If it were easy, fathers would do it.
Why can't kids understand that we're tryin' to do what's best for 'em? They're kids.
When they become mothers, they know better.
- Right, Dorothy? - Right, Ma.
Gee, I remember you used to make me bring my dates into the house to meet you and Pop.
Boy, what an inconvenience.
Between the ages of 12 and 19, I met two guys.
I remember my mother making me practice the tuba.
Three hours a day, seven days a week, for ten years.
- I hated it.
But it finally paid off.
- I didn't know you played the tuba.
I don't.
I gave it up.
But I can blow 32 pounds of air into a tire in less than a minute.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Who could that be at this hour? I'll see.
- Hi, Mama.
- Rebecca, am I glad to see you.
I'm sorry about what I - No.
Don't apologize.
You were right.
- What? I was thinkin' about what you said, how much courage it took.
That's when I realized how much you love me.
- Oh, baby.
- You were right about Jeremy, too.
I can do better.
Just took someone who loved me to point it out.
Let's go tell the girls the good news.
They're havin' cheesecake.
Cheesecake.
That sounds great.
Why don't we just go sit out on the lanai.
Good-bye, sugar.
Have a good trip and call me.
- Bye.
- Call me.
[Sighs.]
[Groans.]
Ah-huh.
Hey, I thought we agreed we weren't gonna talk about the children.