Bob's Burgers s03e15 Episode Script

Anyone notice anything different about me? - New boobs? - New 'tude? Wrong and wronger.
I'm pregnant! Wha? We're getting flour sack babies in health class.
You do have that glow.
Aw, my little baby's having babies.
I'm a sexy grandma.
I can't believe they're going to let you be in charge of a child.
What are you talking about? I was born to be a mother.
I'm gonna pull a flour sack out of my bottom.
Morning, everyone.
Wow, Don Draper's kind of fat this season.
Ooh, you look sharp, mister.
The jury is gonna find you guilty of handsome in the first degree.
Oof, um, ah.
I'm contesting a parking ticket, Lin.
There isn't a jury.
You've got a suit that won't a-quit.
Wait a second, there's no stains on that.
That's not your suit.
My suit didn't fit anymore, so I borrowed this from Mort.
Some poor guy's wife brought two for the burial and left this one behind.
Why don't I ever get to wear dead people's clothes? When I'm gone, I'll leave you all my socks.
Aw, I wanted those.
Okay, class, now that you've been assigned life partners, kiss your childhood good-bye and your babies hello.
Let's have all the fathers come up and assume responsibility for their reckless behavior.
Travis Albright.
He has your eyes.
But hopefully not your A.
D.
D.
Huh? Gene Belcher.
He's beautiful.
Now, remember, even the smallest mistake will affect your child's life forever.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Can I have another one? I don't know, Gene.
Can people just have another baby? Well, yes, they can.
So here you go.
But if you drop this one, I'll have to fail you.
Ah! Gene, you're getting an F.
- Ah! - For "failing father.
" I can fix this! See, he's fine.
He's good; He's happy.
Ah! I need a baby! Go back to your seat, Gene.
And wipe that baby off your face.
I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it, and, um, he was exactly meter-sized.
- Really? - Yeah.
Meter-sized? Well, and-and I think he was loitering, sir.
Well, Mr.
Belcher we're gonna let this one go.
- Really? - Yes.
- I'm dismissing the ticket.
- Okay, wow.
Maybe next time use the valet, huh? I will.
I definitely will Next case! You look important.
- Will you marry my mom? - What? Uh, oh, um Sweetie, sweetie, don't bother that nice gentleman.
I'm so sorry.
He's an idiot.
Ah, I'm sure.
"Gentleman.
" Wow.
I would've been a great dad.
Gene, cheer up.
Why not focus your energy on losing that baby weight? No! I'm moping.
I'm gonna take the long way home.
Tell Mom not to make anything for dinner with flour.
And a flour-less chocolate cake for dessert! What was that? - Hello.
- Who said that? - Hello.
- Are you a ghost? 'Cause I'm a Ghostbuster! And I'm a police officer.
And a Sagittarius.
I do not understand your command.
Please sit to create profile.
Please log in with name now.
- Gene.
- Hello, Gene.
Please sit to create profile.
Okay, but don't try anything funny.
Request for funny activated.
Loading joke.
You know jokes? Knock-knock.
Who's there? Botany.
Botany who? Bot-any good toilets lately? I get it! - Did you like that? I have a million of them.
You are so cool.
Cooling seat now.
No, no, warm it up.
I like my buns toasted.
Warming seat now.
Mmm.
Who's the Queen of England? Elizabeth the second.
- Who's the Queen of the Night? - Whitney Houston.
Who's the Queen of the wait a second! Bidet? Don't mind if I bid-do.
I knew that would happen, but I did it anyway.
I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend, but that is amazing.
Alert.
Auxiliary water tank low.
I require maintenance from primary user.
"Primary user"? Wow, I've never cared for a toilet of my own before.
I guess you're never really ready.
There you go, thirsty boy.
Thank you, Gene.
Activating night light.
Uh-oh, it's night already? I better go home.
I'm gonna bet my sisters $1,000 that there isn't a talking toilet in the woods.
That's what I call easy money.
Playing artist Eddie Money.
No, no, cancel! Undo! Cancelling Eddie Money.
Wow, you really listen.
You're the best.
Okay, see ya.
Good-bye, Gene.
Hey, little man.
Huh? Where'd you hear that song you're whistling? It wasn't a song.
I- I was making fun of a bird.
Well, a little bird told me you might have seen something I'm looking for: A toilet.
I haven't seen one.
I- I've never even used one! - Come here, just for a sec.
- Uh, no.
- I want to tell you something.
- Ma okay.
Yell it.
I mean, I mean, I want to give you something.
I already have enough.
You don't know what it is.
I know.
I just feel like I know what I can carry and I have my night planned.
You won the lottery.
Oh.
- Then I better go quit my job! - Where is it?! Where's my toilet?! You're my baby boy now, Belcher.
I'm not sure, but I think people are treating me different because of this suit.
Last night on the street, this homeless guy saluted me.
Can't believe I almost buried that suit.
If you buried it now, it'd probably claw itself out of the grave to get back on Bobby.
That would make a great movie.
Suit Cemetery.
I'd see that, but only the matinee.
I wouldn't want to come home to a dark closet.
- Ooh, here comes the three-piece! - Ah, I Bow tie, oh, look out! Oh, it got me! Linda, please.
- I don't want to find another place to eat.
- I'm dead.
Excuse me, do you know where Maestro's Bistro is? Sorry, no, I - What about this place? - Hmm, I don't know.
- How's the food here? - Uh, it's really good.
I eat here every day.
- Mmm.
Oh.
- If it's good enough for him.
Well, uh, since I'm dining alone, maybe I'll join you.
You dining alone? How does that happen? Whoa, whoa, ladies! Bring it down a notch, huh? Why don't I get you a nice booth in the back, right? We were all single once, but you don't got to be a slut about it, you know? It's just a little bit further, and it's amazing! Is it a body, like in Stand By Me? Or a great math teacher, like in Stand and Deliver? I present to you, voila! Hello, Gene.
What the hell? New user detected.
Please say your name to create profile.
Holy crap! Hello, Holy Crap.
Hi.
And boom, my friend the toilet.
Say "pupu platter.
" Pupu platter.
- Say "nuclear wiener.
" - Nuclear wiener.
- Say "hypothalamus.
" Hypothalamus.
Say "I love you, Tina.
" I love you, Tina.
Say "I love you, Tina.
I'm not a toilet, I'm a boy.
" - No.
- Oh.
Alert.
Auxiliary water tank low.
Please fill.
Okay, time for din-din.
Why don't you just breast-feed it, Gene? I tried.
This one only takes a bottle.
Thank you.
Maintenance complete.
You're really great with him, Gene.
He's just a really good toilet.
Alert.
Three hours of battery life remaining.
Please connect to a power source.
Power source? What power source? I require a dedicated 220 volt ground fault circuit interrupter.
Don't worry, we'll get you out of here.
Adrenaline, do your thing! Gene, calm down.
You're not the first person who's had to find a power source for his talking toilet.
Right, right.
We'll have to go home and get some batteries, extension cords.
We'll steal a car, we'll siphon the gasoline into a generator.
We'll help you, Gene.
Thanks, T.
It takes a village to charge a toilet.
Where have you kids been? - It's late.
- Glee club.
- Key club.
- Ski club? Oh, extracurriculars.
I love it.
Yeah, we have a triple-club emergency.
We need extension cords and lots of them.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Baby Boy Belcher.
Did you lose this somewhere? Uh, kids, this guy's looking for a lost toilet.
And he's not crazy.
He's Max, uh sorry, I didn't, uh, catch your last name.
Eh, Flush.
Your name's Max Flush and you're looking for a toilet? That's funny.
And his name is Bob Burger.
What? His name is Bob Burger.
- Um, it's not.
- It is.
- It isn't, no.
- It's not? - No.
Are you serious? - Bob Burgers.
How Bob Burgers.
Then who am I thinking of? I don't know.
But-but the sign.
Okay, well, I'm still missing a toilet.
I was delivering it, but it fell off my truck.
My toilet's worth $14,000.
So I'm gonna find it.
$14,000? For 14 grand, I'd let that toilet poop on me.
Lin.
My toilet's special.
State of the art.
I'm very motivated to find it.
Have you told the toilet how you feel? The toilet knows how I feel! Okay, Mr.
Flush, we'll-we'll let you know if we see it, and, uh, we're closing early, so Closing early? Yeah, I'm gonna use the money I saved on that ticket and take Linda and my suit out to a nice dinner.
We're going to Beville's! It's fancy.
They give you bread in a basket with a napkin inside of it.
- Can I come? - No.
- Oh.
- Okey dokey.
I guess I'll just be on my way then.
Before we go, we should take out the trash.
Lin, do you mind? I'm kind of in a suit.
Okay, but I'm not gonna lie down in any puddles for you to cross, mister.
Just kidding, I will.
Oh, no, he's not leaving! He's staking us out.
We'll have to lay low for a while.
We can't lay low.
We have to get back to the toilet! We'll need a plan.
Tina, cancel all of my appointments.
That's gonna take a while.
Gene, hold my calls.
Now he wants to switch eyes! Okay, operation Capture the Throne is go.
Andy and Ollie are on their way here.
Everybody know what they're doing? - In general or in the plan? - The plan, Tina.
Oh, whew.
We just have to wait for Mom and Dad to get out of here, already.
The toilet's only got two hours left.
How do I look? Well, no one's gonna be looking at you, Lin.
- Oh.
- Bye! - Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, bye.
- Bye.
Stay out of my room.
Here come Andy and Ollie.
What's taking them so long? They're both trying to carry each other at the same time.
Sorry, Samantha.
I'm Tina! No, you're me.
Oh.
I'm selling pens to benefit my Beaver Scout troo.
How many can I put you down for? None.
- Seven? - Zero.
- Zero hundred and seven? - Oh, fine, I'll take two.
Hey! Party of two-ty-toot-toot.
I'm a fun customer; You're gonna love me.
I'm sorry, unless you have a reservation, it's an hour wait.
An hour, really, hmm? Oh, are you together? Maybe we have something.
Let me check.
May I bring you a cocktail? Ooh, appletinis.
Uh, yeah, we'll have two.
Two each.
I'm serious.
I'm coming, toilet! Don't you quit on me! Guess we're in the same boat now, Baby Boy Belcher.
Oh, my.
What the? Have a great time on King's Head Island, sucker! Rent a golf cart; They're super fun.
This isn't over! I can make my knees smile.
Toilet? Hello, Gene.
Maintenance required.
Don't worry, help is on the way.
of battery life remaining.
Everything's going to be okay.
We'll be telling jokes again in no time.
Loading joke.
Knock-knock.
Who's there? Interrupting toilet.
Interrupting toilet? Hang in there, buddy.
We're going to get you fixed up.
These are from the couple over there.
Thank you.
Ah not for you, for him.
- Oh.
- Oh, I still haven't finished my Sex on the Beach from that foot clinic doctor.
Yeah, we got to pick up the pace.
Double fist 'em go.
I don't know, Lin, I mean, I drove, or maybe you drove.
One of us drove, right? It's all right, we-we'll take a snatchy.
What? We'll take a snatchy.
What-What's a snatchy? - The yellow thing.
Well, I need a better hint than that.
- It's got wheels.
- A taxi? Yeah, a snacky.
You said Snacky! Wait, you keep changing it.
You got it, stop teasing me.
Well, you said "snatchy.
" Shut up, drink.
Okay.
life remaining.
Where are they? It's getting cold out here.
Warming seat.
No, save your energy! I'll warm my butt the old-fashioned way.
Finally.
Hello, what a beauty.
She's a hottie potty, baby, haw! Wow, does it wipe for you, too? What's wipe? Now, I got to pee in this baby.
No, get away from him, you monster! He's dying! We don't have much time! Flush some chicken soup into him! - Or put on a movie he likes! - Yeah.
Everybody, close your eyes and believe.
No, we have to move him.
Lift with your butts.
Oh, man.
This is heavier than my mom at the prom.
'Cause she was pregnant with me.
Nine minutes of battery life remaining.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hurry, hurry go! Mush, mush! You can't flush me.
Wow, Beville's was great, but I'm still kind of hungry.
Me, too.
Did we forget to eat? Oh, my God, we did.
Who cares? Let's just make out.
Uh, scenic route, sir? You betcha.
Hang in there, buddy, we're almost there.
Pedal with your heart! Ah, it's Max Flush! Pedal faster! That way! I don't see him.
Yeah! We're doing it, we're doing it! Whoo-hoo, we're home free! - Wait, there's no bridge.
- Stop! Fly, toilet, fly! Toilets can't fly, Gene.
This one can! Activate wings! Playing artist Wings.
N- N-N-N-No.
No! If you want this toilet, you'll have to go through me, - Max Flush! - Gene? Dad? Mom? What you doing in the middle of the road with a toilet? He's more than a toilet! He's my best friend and he's dying! Okay.
Ah, now he's losing fluids! W- Wait, is this that guy's missing $14,000 toilet? We need to get him to a power source immediately.
Well, I-I don't think we can ask the cab driver to - Toilet in the taxi, sir? - Really? I still don't really understand what's happening.
I don't either, but I'm having fun.
There's a coffee shop they'll have outlets.
For people writing screenplays.
Pull over! I'm drunk.
Two minutes of battery life remaining.
Hey, you can't bring that in here.
Your sign says restrooms are for customers only, not that customers can't bring in their own restrooms.
That restroom is mine.
Hey, toilet guy.
Look, my son found your toilet.
And I'll never give him back! You just want to take him somewhere where he'll get pooped on! I'll never let that happen! I'll never let anything bad happen to him ever! Battery dead.
Good-bye.
No! Kid, he's a toilet.
He'll be fine once he's recharged.
There's a family waiting for him a very nice family so let me take him.
He belongs with me, and you'll never be able to move both of us! Yeah, if you think you're gonna get Gene off the toilet before he's ready, I've got some bad news for you.
He missed his birthday party once.
- We had a clown.
- We had to send him in there.
You give me that toilet! What's the problem here? No problem, no problem.
These people brought in an outside toilet and they refuse to leave.
Yeah, you should probably deal with that.
Hey, that looks like that toilet that was reported stolen.
Welp, sure hope you figure that out.
- Freeze! - Stop right there.
Get him! - Yeah! - Oh! Where you're going, they don't have any toilets.
Well, they do, but it's out in the open and it's embarrassing.
Warm my butt.
You're useless, useless! Gene, stop yelling at the toilet.
It just sits there and takes it.
I know that fancy toilet was your friend and you liked him, but he wasn't yours and he's probably evidence now.
He needed me to take care of him, Dad, and I let him down.
I'll never get to have anything nice, like a bag of flour or a toilet.
Look, Gene, it's not easy to take care of things.
I mean, one time when you were a baby and I was watching you, you ate a fern, and you could have died, but you didn't.
Huh.
My point is, you tried to take care of the toilet and you did the best you could.
That's all anyone can do.
I guess.
Sorry I yelled at you.
It's not your fault you're stupid.
Gene, get in here! Your friend's on TV! This morning, the ferry's most important passenger isn't a person, it's a toilet.
It's him! This $14,000 toilet was allegedly stolen by a Timones J aka the Bathroom Burglar.
He said his name was Max Flush.
And you believed that? - Um - Eh Ah um, no, I'm Yeah no, wha why Fittingly, this royal flusher is headed back to its rightful owner on King's Head Island.
Live from the ferry landing, I'm Olsen Benner.
Mom, get the car.
I have to go to the toilet.
Ooh, I got chills when you said that.
There he is.
Gene, go! Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry, kid, can't go near that toilet.
Uh, Officer, can you cut him a break? It's a long story, but he-he just wants to say good-bye.
Kind of weird, but, all right, sir, your kid's got one minute.
Hello, toilet.
I know you can't hear me, but I just Hello, Gene.
Toilet, they charged you.
Activate bidet? Yes! I- I mean, no.
I think I just have time to say good-bye.
Good-bye, Gene.
I I love you.
Please repeat command.
I love you.
You would like to vomit? No, I love you.
Seat up for vomit.
No, I love you.
Vomit now.
I love you.
- Vomit.
- I love you! Vomit now.
Vomit now.
Stop saying that! Vomit now.
Damn fool! Okay, this is just sad.
I know.
Huh, that suit looks just like one my dad had.
Yeah, it's a nice one, huh? I love it.
Yeah, let me see the label.
Um, I There's my dad's name.
"Tailored for Paul McGill.
" That's weird his name is Bob Burgers.
That's my dad's suit! Where'd you get it? A funeral home? What?! A funeral home.
It's a home for funerals.
I'll never forget that toilet.
I'll never forget that suit.
At least you still got your birthday suit.
Yeah, too bad it's wrinkly.
Let's get Dad dry-cleaned.
Nah, I'll press him.
Baby, hold on to me, oh, yeah Whatever will be will be The future is ours to see, yeah, come on So, baby, hold on to me Hold it Think about it, baby I'm gonna take you to the top So, baby, hold on to me, hold on tight Whatever will be will be, say it again, the future is