Frasier s03e15 Episode Script

You'll ruin his concentration! He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper.
He's been at it for over an hour! I must say, I can see why he was such a good policeman.
Yes, very impressive, isn't he? When he wakes up you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa! Dad, come on, rise and shine.
You fell asleep.
Ah yes, I see our newspaper thief has struck again! - Damn, he's good! - Come on in.
This morning, for the first time since our separation, Maris actually picked up the phone and called me! She needs a favour.
Well Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate.
She called you just because she wants something? No, no, not "wants," Frasier.
"Needs.
" This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her, and all I have to do is fix one small problem! - What's the problem? - Uh, she's wanted by the police.
Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week, when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps.
Well, I need not remind you what effect a Ferragamo sighting can have on Maris's hand-eye coordination.
She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets! What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space? Oh, and to top it all off she neglected to appear for her summons, and so they immediately swore out a warrant, and that brings us to you, Dad.
Why? You were a cop.
I'm sure you still have "chums," hint-hint? Who could lend you a hand, wink-wink? No.
Look, you know I'd do anything for you, but not this.
All my years on the force I never even fixed a ticket, let alone an arrest warrant.
- You couldn't pull one little string? - No, I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.
Well, it's not.
We'd all like to believe that justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake! The courts love to make examples of them.
Oh, they do.
Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Leona Helmsley.
Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.
Alright, fine.
If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself.
I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice.
Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it! What a horrible thing to happen.
Can you picture poor Mrs.
Crane confined to a jail cell? Only if they moved the bars closer together.
THE LITTLE COMMODORE Well, that's it for today, folks! This is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health! Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair! Well, right back atcha! - I take it things didn't go down so well at the station? - The police simply would not listen to reason.
- Police? - They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines.
I felt sure they'd ease up if they understood Maris a little better, so I tried to explain her to them.
Oh, dear God.
You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
Oh! OK fine, you little weasel.
Just forget it.
I was going to help you, but Maris can just rot in the slammer.
Ooh Roz, I was joshing! I know how you enjoy our little by-play! That weasel line, ouch, touché! - You know what, you're even more annoying when you grovel.
- Zing! Got me again! Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please? OK, for you.
My friend Phil had some major traffic violations, and he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.
Sounds just a tad shady, Roz.
You mean he went to some hoodlum? Well, I wouldn't use the word "hoodlum" in front of him.
Just think of him as a guy who makes wishes come true.
Like a fairy godfather.
Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
Here we go! Jerome Belasco.
Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy.
How can I repay you? The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, just keep it to yourself.
Consider it done.
- Give me that! - No, give me that! Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a, a Martin Scorsese film! You don't understand what this means to me.
When Maris asked me for this favour, do you know what she said? She said, "Niles, will you be my Commodore?" - Her Commodore? - That's what she used to call her father.
- Frasier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
- I'm sure.
Remember that lovely jeweled crucifix Maris picked up on her first communion trip to Rome? Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican? Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand, march them back to the scene of the crime and make them say, "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again"? You don't understand.
If I show Maris that I can step into the Commodore's plimsolls, she'll have a whole new respect for me.
We can rebuild our marriage on a healthier foundation.
Frasier, please.
Thank you.
I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf! A WORD TO THE WISEGUY - Niles, look.
This is ridiculous, it's past midnight.
I'm leaving.
- No, no, no, you can't leave.
You're my backup.
I wonder what's keeping him? - Do you suppose that's him? - I doubt it, that overcoat is Armani! Good point, Niles.
Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that? - Oh, Dr.
Crane, I presume? - Oh, yes.
I'm Niles Crane, this is my brother, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- Jerome Belasco.
- Pleasure.
Excuse my tardiness, but my lady friend and I were having one of those discussions from which it is difficult to remove oneself.
- Yes, we certainly know about those, don't we? - Yes, dames! So you have some problem you think I can help you with? Well, I do.
Please, Jerome.
Well, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of "Larry Law," and since then certain, shall we say, "complications" have arisen, and in brief, things have got "hot-hot-hot," and we believe you are the man to "turn on the air conditionin'.
" I sense you're a film buff, Dr.
Crane.
- Just show him the charges, Niles.
- Yes, here we are.
Quite a few.
"Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment.
" - Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
.
- Oh, yes.
She's ounces of fun.
Do you think you could persuade the police to show some leniency? Well, there's never any harm in making a phone call.
Excuse me.
Thank you! Yes, around and straight to the back.
He's making the call! He's making the call! Frasier, you're going to think I'm mad for saying this, but that was fun! Well, I must admit, Niles, it is not entirely unpleasant to rub shoulders with the demi-monde.
I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know? Me too, me too! It's like an actual tingling in my chest.
And now it's gone there it is again! and now it's gone.
Oh, Niles, it must be your cellular phone vibrating.
Oh, it is! You're right.
Hello? Oh hello, Maris! Yes, I'm tending to that very matter right now.
Oh, just wait a second.
- Well? - You may consider the matter dealt with.
Maris, it's all taken care of What did you say? No, I've just never heard those words before.
You're welcome.
Oh Jerome, thank you! Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I've got another business engagement.
At this hour of the night? My God, it's past midnight.
What kind of business could it possibly be of mine where you're going?! - Tell me, what do I owe you? - Oh, nothing.
- I was happy I could help.
- Oh, don't be silly.
I insist! Consider it a favor.
I was in a position to help you.
Perhaps someday you'll be in a position to help me.
Oh, I would love that.
If there's ever anything I can do for you, just say the word.
- You're very kind.
It was a pleasure meeting you both.
- And you.
And I meant that! Anything at all, you just let me know! I shouldn't have said that, should I? DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE POI RAMEKINS? Jerome! Look Niles, it's Jerome! In my house! We've been having the most delightful chat.
Dr.
Crane, you're a lucky young man to have such a charming young woman in your employ.
Oh, go on.
Did you know his brother supplied the cement for this very building? - What a small world, oh look at the time! - So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
Oh wait, let me guess! I'm a bit psychic.
Let's see you're some sort of doctor.
An osteopath, perhaps? - No.
- Well that's odd.
I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.
Boys, why don't you help me get some refreshments for your new friend? - Who the hell is this guy? - He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris's legal problem, and in return I promised him a favour.
Oh God, do you think that's why he's here? To collect? No, Niles.
He's probably having a luau and he came to borrow our Poi Ramekins! Are you guys nuts? You don't get involved with somebody like that! Wait, before we panic, we should at least talk to him.
You know, get the "straight dope.
" Also known as "the skinny.
" Knock it off, Bugsy! Stealing newspapers is most un-neighborly behavior.
If you would like I could find out who's doing it, and make sure they never even think Oh no! No! That's fine! So Jerome, is there something we can do for you? Since you ask, you may recall the other evening I mentioned my lady friend? If I may Oh! She's a pretty thing, isn't she! This is at the dog track where we met.
And here's our first Sinatra concert.
And this was at the funeral of a business associate.
You know, for the life of me, I can't recall ever having seen a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs all at the same time.
- Well, Brandy is a uniquely stylish woman.
- Brandy? Yeah, the traditional spelling.
We've been engaged for eight years, but she refuses to set a wedding date.
This upsets me.
It also upsets my mother, whose comments on the subject are frequent and vivid.
So where do these two come in? Well, if she's reluctant to marry me, obviously she needs therapy.
Well, you're in luck! Niles happens to be one of the finest marriage counselors in all of Seattle! Well actually, Dr.
Crane, I would prefer it if Brandy spoke to you.
- To me? - No offense to you, Dr.
Crane.
Oh, none taken! She's a great fan of your show.
I'm sure she'd heed any advice that you might care to offer.
Such as "Marry him.
Promptly.
" But I'm not here to put words into your mouth.
You'll know what to say.
Jerome, you know I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm used to rendering my opinion, not being a mouthpiece for someone else.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
Dr.
Crane, there are some times in life we must do unpleasant things.
I'd hate to tell you some of the unpleasant things I've had to do.
I see.
Well then,.
.
why don't you just give Brandy my unlisted home number, which I'm sure you came across when you were finding out where I lived.
- I'll be glad to chat with her.
- Thank you.
She'll be in touch.
And I hope that one day you'll dance at my wedding.
If I'm able to dance.
If you ask me, you're getting off easy.
He could have asked you for a much bigger favour.
Dad, how can I possibly as a self-respecting psychiatrist tell any woman to marry that thug? What are you talking about? He seemed very nice to me.
This coming from the psychic who thought he was a chiropractor! Listen, I've heard your show.
One more piece of half-assed advice isn't going to kill you.
- Jerome, on the other hand - Okay, dad! The key to lasting weight-loss is to change the way you view food everyday.
You can't go on through life binging and then starving yourself for two weeks just to fit into that gorgeous new evening gown you've bought for a special occasion.
- Can you understand that? - Yeah.
Thanks Doc.
Don't mention it, Steve.
Roz, who's our next caller? We have Randy, from Richmond Beach.
- Hello Randy, I'm listening.
- Not Randy, Brandy.
The traditional spelling.
You know we're all out of time, my goodness I feel so sorry but - No, you're not.
We've got five minutes left! - Thank you, Roz! Alright Brandy, go ahead.
Your problem, please.
It's my boyfriend, Jerome.
He said I should call you.
We've been semi-engaged for eight years, and he wants to get married.
Well, I can certainly hear the love in your voice, so I say case closed, best of luck to you in the future! Whoa! You got a bus to catch?! There's a lot more to it.
For starters I think he's cheated on me.
Well, in my experience, if you suspect something like that, nine out of ten times you're right.
Well, I think a little mistrust adds mystery to a relationship.
Mystery I could stand if he didn't neglect me so much.
Every time we go for a romantic dinner, he gets a phone call and bang, it's "Gotta work babe, finish your lobster.
I'll send you a limo.
" Lobster? Limos? My God, give me his number and I'll marry him! Money ain't everything, especially when you've got a sex life like ours - He's not even good in bed? - Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out! You know, this really isn’t necessary I said to him last night, "What the hell was that?! I've been vaccinated slower!" Well, that just leaves more time to cuddle! - Can I say something? - No! Look, I could deal with the other problems, if it weren't for one thing.
All my life I've dreamed of being a career woman, but he says I'm not allowed to work! I'm supposed to sit home all day, let him take care of me.
So, what do you think, Doc? Should I marry him? Well taking into account the years you've invested in the relationship, and Jerome's obvious love for you, not to mention his generosity Tell me what you think, Dr.
Crane, 'cause I really, really respect you.
Brandy run! Save yourself.
Do not marry this man.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, saying goodbye, and see you, God willing, tomorrow.
Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please.
Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream.
What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it! - Hello, Frasier.
- Niles! Don't do that! - Sorry.
Double espresso, please.
I heard you on the radio today.
I thought what you did was noble.
To what South American nation will you be fleeing? Oh, like I'd tell you.
One minute of interrogation, and you would crack like a Jordan almond! Frasier, I never meant for any of this to happen.
How long are you going to stay mad at me? For as long as I live.
Which'll probably take us through breakfast.
Oh, wrong again! Oh, oh look! It's Jerome Belasco! Jerome, take a seat! Look Frasier, it's our friend, JEROME BELASCO.
I heard your broadcast this afternoon.
It displeased me.
Yeah, let me have a little hot milk, please.
When I'm displeased I get acid in my stomach, Dr.
Crane.
Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do is displease you.
Or to hear the words "acid" and "Dr.
Crane" in the same sentence.
But - Jerome, I'm sorry - how could I have advised her otherwise? She said that you cheated on her.
She said she suspected me! I've never cheated on Miss Brandy.
Alright, be that as it may, how can I advise her to marry a man who's so controlling that he won't even allow her to work? It may interest you to know that over the years I've called in favors to get Miss Brandy fourteen jobs! She lost all of them.
- So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche? - No, I'm saying she's a dodo.
Now you may love a dodo; you may think the dodo is beautiful; you may even wish to marry the dodo.
But you do not encourage a dodo to fly! Now, when she loses these jobs it makes her very unhappy.
So, for her sake I said, "No more jobs.
" But now, in order to convince her to marry me, I've had to reverse this policy.
- So she has agreed to marry you? - If I get her a job.
And not just any job.
A job that she can never lose.
A job where if she burns the place down, they will apologise to her for having made it so flammable.
Well, good luck finding someone who'll hire her.
Dr.
Crane, your brother called.
The court time for your tennis game is 11 o'clock.
Oh, good Lord.
I distinctly told him I wasn't available until noon.
Hey, if you're going to call him back, put it on the speakerphone.
- Don't you think this is getting a little old? - Well I think it's just mean, is what I think.
So sue me, I enjoy it.
Good morning! Niles Crane, psy-kee-at-trist.
Yes, is Dr.
Crane there? This is his brother, Frasier.
Oh hi, Dr.
Crane.
It's me, Brandy.
Hang on, I'm getting another call.
I'll just put you on hold.