Modern Family s03e15 Episode Script

Whoa.
What's all this? Mom heard us say we were bored.
Suckers.
She heard us from outside.
She has super good hearing, like a seeing eye dog.
They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact that-- Wait, the dogs aren't blind.
Wait.
Are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.
You're right.
If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.
Quick, girls-- famous Danny from "Moonstruck.
" Aiello? Hey, Phil.
I'm glad I caught ya.
What's up? Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan.
They wanna see that house on Briar again.
Really? I showed it to them five times.
Last time we were there, I think they got mail.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling.
They hate upsetting people, unless, of course, it's me.
Then they don't mind waking me up at 7:00 A.
M.
, asking me to call you.
It's no problem.
I'm just hanging around.
Kind of bored, really.
What? Well, we did our good deed for the day.
Yeah, for the enemy.
Don't they have enough? It's been about a year since we decided to adopt a boy.
Meanwhile, our friends Steven and Stefan decided that they wanted a baby, too.
Wonder where they got that idea? Well, we're still waiting, but they already got their kid because they went through a surrogate.
Which is all they talk about.
Are you gonna keep doing that? I might.
I have to go show a house.
But first, what was Elton John's sexual orientation in the '70s? like the good Captain Fantastic himself.
Hey, Claire, guess what? I'm sorry, honey, I can't talk right now.
I told Bethenny I would take her to the airport.
I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight.
Where are my keys? Why is that chair still here? I thought you and Luke were gonna put it out on the sidewalk.
So you can't talk unless it's about my chores? Why don't you just do it now, and you won't be so bored? You heard that? I hear everything.
That's for me.
Hey, Leon.
Nice buzz cut.
Yeah, for some people, the shampoo doesn't work.
It only makes the lice angry.
Nice to see you.
Oh, no.
No--oh, God.
Um, Alex, do not move.
Haley, clean this up, okay? Who fills a vase with marbles? Who doesn't see a vase filled with marbles? Who wants to hear a bunch of plates crashing? Phil! Honey, the girls need you in the kitchen! Thanks for the hat, Leon.
It kind of tickles.
Phil! How much electricity do we need to bring this back? It's not rocket science.
We're only reanimating a squirrel.
Phil! Now! Sounds great.
No, hang on.
Gloria, where's Manny? Some neighborhood kids have invited him to play football.
He said he was taking his morning constitutional.
He's working on his go-cart, but he'll be there.
Okay.
See you then.
No, Manny cannot go and play with those boys.
Margo is trying to get us theater tickets for this afternoon.
Gloria, you and Manny do enough together.
Let's let him decide.
Where's he walking? I don't know.
But according to the song he was singing, he was going to the sunny side of the street.
I cannot express to you enough how bad this kid needs football.
Mom! Look what I found! Number 99! When Manny was 5, we didn't have much.
We were on our own.
So we always dreamed of winning the lottery.
We figured if we collected and bought a ticket with them, we couldn't lose.
But now I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home I feel like I already won the lottery.
So I can keep whatever we win? I think no.
I found most of them.
Can you put this in the jar with the others? Sí.
Ay.
I forgot.
What is the combination to your safe? I'll just come with you.
Oh, yes, 'cause that's how this arrangement works-- I take money from you! Hello? Oh, hi, Margo.
No, she just ran upstairs.
Listen, about these theater tickets-- don't knock yourself out trying to Oh, you did? Well, sorry to do this last minute, but they can't go.
No, Manny has a football game, so Jay, could you steep my tea? I cannot express to you enough how much this kid needs football.
And that is the whole house Again.
I love it, but I just don't love it.
Do you love it? I love it.
I absolutely love it.
I'm just not sure if I'm in love with it.
Oh, yeah.
We have an expression around the office for when a sale just isn't happening-- "Commission: Impossible.
" Maybe for some people.
Not sure if I mentioned it before, but the house does come with a hookup for a European washing machine.
Oh, I love that.
Oh, so sorry.
It's the boss.
Hey.
Hi.
I'm on my way home.
I've been calling Haley, but nobody's answering.
Is everything okay there? Everything here is great.
Oh, thank God.
Did you put the chair out front? Not yet.
Honey, you're gonna miss the trash pickup.
Don't worry.
If they don't take it, someone else will.
Who is gonna pick up that ratty chair off our lawn? Are you kidding? It's in great shape.
Super cozy.
People are always commenting on it.
Trust me, it'll be gone by the end of the day.
Please, just do it now.
I can't.
I'm so sorry.
When I'm done with these clients, I'll call Luke and Leon.
I know I can talk them into it.
We are not losing this house to Luke and Leon.
What do you mean, "call Luke and Leon"? Aren't you at home? No, I left right before you did.
Phil, the house the--the kids Oh, God, the squirrel.
Hello? We'll take it.
Oh! Commission Accomplished.
So how great is your life right now, huh? A new house, a new baby, Stefan's Propecia's kicking in.
Ooh.
That's him.
He's on his way.
He texted "OMW.
" We try to keep our texts short when we're driving with the baby.
Oh, well, what wonderful parents you are.
You guys hate us a little bit, don't you? - No.
God, no.
- Just a little.
Have you thought about surrogacy? At least you'd be making a baby instead of waiting around for some pregnant mom to maybe pick you.
Well, we considered it, but how do you decide which one will-- Where's Lily? Sleeping.
Ice the cupcake.
That you couldn't say in front of Lily? - Well, then, she'd want a cupcake.
- Yeah, well But that's the beauty of the swirl.
The swirl? You both donate, they mix it up, fertilize the egg.
You never know who the father is.
Ooh.
That's Stefan.
Yeah, maybe we should think about this swirl.
Well, I-I didn't think surrogacy was for us.
But, you know, 'cause one of us would feel left out.
Yeah, but if you don't know whose it is Sorry we're late.
Guys, meet Roco.
Roco or cocoa? Look at him out there.
Oh, ay.
This is so exciting.
Go ahead! Attaboy! - Go! Go ahead! Attaboy! - Go, Manny! Run! I knew Gloria would find out I lied about those tickets.
But I figured when she saw Manny out there, playing with all those other kids, she'd thank me.
That's what I figured.
Go! Go! What the hell's he doing? Run, Manny! Run! Mom! Number 100! Now we have the lucky-- Oh! Oh, thank God.
Nobody's dead.
Or we're all dead.
How many plates did we lose? None.
Luke and Haley used cookie sheets to clear a path through the marbles for me.
Where are the marbles? Right here.
Oh, Haley! I put glue on them so it doesn't happen again.
What about the chair? Leon and I rolled it outside on some skateboards.
Oh.
The squirrel? You think I was going to let that happen? These kids are going to survive.
They are the best of me and Phil.
Luke using the skateboards, Haley gluing the marbles-- that is pure Phil.
Alex keeping everyone in line-- pure me.
Sometimes I worry no one's gonna like Alex.
There you go, buddy.
Thank you.
Uh What? You need anything? I'll get it.
Steak sauce, but it's okay.
It's probably good for me to move around.
Oh, Jay, it's so nice to see you take care of him like that.
Why are you surprised? He's our kid.
We take care of each other in this family.
I want to kill you.
Wild guess-- Margo? Let me explain.
There is no excuse.
This is something private.
I'm gonna get outta here.
So that's why you were being so nice.
You lied to my friend You made Manny play the American football It is your fault that he got estampeded.
Or is it your fault? He stopped to pick up a penny, for God's sake.
Be careful what you say, Jay.
You're skating on thin eggshells right now.
I tried to get him out there with kids his own age Which is what he should be doing And not spending another afternoon with his mommy.
If you have a problem with the way Manny's being raised, you talk to me! - I am.
- I don't wanna hear it! Phil, you really didn't have to do this.
I sold a house today because of you two.
The least I can do is buy you dinner.
I saw that house.
It is gorgeous.
- I know.
- Yes, we're real happy for them.
They showed me a picture of the baby.
How adorable is that little guy? Yes, we're real happy for them.
Okay, you might wanna slow down there.
What? I'm playing a new drinking game.
It's called "every time I'm depressed, I take a drink.
" That game exists.
It's called alcoholism.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.
I'm I'm wallowing, and it's not cute.
To happier things.
- Yes.
- To happier things.
- Happier things, yes.
- There you go.
I remember the first few drinks And, um, after that, the night's just bits and pieces.
I wanna do something I never do-- brag about my kids.
Today, they were resourceful, they were responsible, they Put 40% down.
It was worth showing the house five times and waiting Almost a year.
Seriously! Who do you have to Blow.
That's really hot.
Why don't you let it cool down? Try some of the Mexican! The baby is clearly Mexican! So, you know, the swirl is out.
Ugh.
It's enough to make you lose Track.
Is this my fourth drink? It's my fourth.
I said "four" twice, didn't I? I did, didn't I? I think we're gonna need four cabs Two! Two! You made me! I-I vaguely remember someone crying? If we ever did surrogacy, I would want you to be the donor.
- Mnh-mnh! - You're so smart, you're so handsome.
Oh, stop it! It should be you! - You're so fun! You're so talented! - Okay.
It's not fair.
I love you both so much.
If you could have a baby that was a mix of the two of you, I would love that baby so much.
Aw, that is so sweet.
I meant it.
That is so sweet.
Oh, my God.
You guys, we could do this.
We could do this.
We could make a baby that is half Tucker and half Pritchett.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Yeah.
Cloning? No.
No.
I'm saying I give the egg.
Oh! Yeah.
I give the egg.
That's the pritchett side.
And then, Cam, you're the father, right? And then we just, like, mix it and put it in a, like, a surrogate lady thing, and then bang! We have a baby.
Oh.
Are--are you serious? You would do that? I would be honored.
You guys, you guys, if there's one thing I have learned today, it's the pleasure of looking at your children, and seeing both-- both of you in there.
And I want you to have that experience.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- We want that.
And something else Guys, I make really good babies.
Yes.
I have, like, magic eggs or something.
- Yes! - They're golden.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, Phil, I don't--what do-- what do you say about this? I think we're all having a baby! Aah! Table hug! Oh! Aah! Sweet potato fries! - What have I done? - I know.
Oh.
What was I thinking? I-I-I just get drunk and I bring a baby into the world? That would be 4 for 4.
I can't go through with it.
Don't panic.
You haven't donated anything yet.
Besides, what are the chances your eggs even work? What are the chances we can pretend I never said that? It's weird.
It's my brother.
And then there would be this baby over there that's my baby, but it's not my baby That actually sounds good.
Just say that.
We're gonna see him for brunch in two hours over at your dad's.
Ooh.
That seems soon and--and hard.
What if what if I blame it on you? What if we say that you're not okay with it? - No! - Why? Are you really okay with another man fertilizing your wife's egg? Of course not! That's creepy.
- Yes.
- Plus, what if you and Cam make a better baby than we did? It's settled.
Phil says "no.
" Like they're really gonna believe that I overruled you? - Right.
- Come on.
Mm.
They're gonna be crushed.
They've waited so long for this baby.
Maybe they're having second thoughts, too.
Look--this is what my baby with Claire would look like.
What is this? What Okay, well, I found a web site where couples can upload pictures - Oh.
- And then it shows them what their baby would look like.
This is Gloria and I.
Couldn't resist.
Wow.
That-- that looks exactly like Manny.
Like--like weirdly so.
What--what's this other picture? Don't be jealous.
But this Is me and Justin Timberlake.
Cam, we have a problem.
Oh, what? You can talk about Ryan Gosling all day, - but the moment I say something-- - No, no, no, about this baby.
I I don't think I can do it.
What--why? Why--it's perfect! It's our chance to have a baby that's part me, part you! No, no! It's part you and part Claire.
I'm nowhere in there.
And it's not like I can pretend.
It's--she's not some egg donor that we don't know.
It's Claire.
You know, we see her all the time.
And what are we supposed to tell the baby? "Say hi to your aunt mommy!" - Adorable.
- No, not adorable.
Appalachian.
Okay, I'm--I'm sorry, Cam.
Jay says that I'm smothering Manny - Mm-hmm.
- But I'm just enjoying him.
I mean, they're only gonna be boys for a short time.
Best time ever in this house! I'm uncomfortable with this, Phil.
The manual specifically says "no towing.
" There are two types of people in this world-- people who follow the manual, and people who stick it to the manual.
You are hurt.
Hi! Manny, what happened? Football injury.
My mom will yell you all about it.
Hola, Lily! Does my little princess want a cookie? Oh, well, you know, maybe just one.
She's already had her sugar limit for today.
How can you tell? - Aah! - Ay! Okay, Lily.
Hey.
- Hey, you two.
- Hey! So where-- oh, where are the kids? Oh, Haley's driving them over separately.
- Oh.
- Oh! Big girl now.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
So that was so fun last night.
- So fun.
- Yeah, we had a great night.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
We should-- Jinx! Yeah, we're going this way, so - This should do for 30.
- Yeah.
- We'll see you in a bit.
I cannot tell them.
I cannot break their hearts.
So you're gonna have Cam's baby just to keep things from being weird? Um, what? You and Uncle Cam are having a baby? Kids, shh.
- There was a discussion about the possibility - Mm-hmm.
Of your mom donating an egg so that the guys could have a baby.
But we decided it was not a good idea.
Why? Because Lily's such a mess? For a lot of reasons.
- They have-- - But we can agree that she's a disastrous human being? I think it's a great idea.
Yeah.
It's a really beautiful offer, mom.
I'm impressed.
Oh, my God.
Cam, they told the kids already, and they seem to be totally into it.
All right, is it just me? Am I the only one that thinks this is weird? Maybe it's not weird.
Maybe we're pioneers.
Mm, no we're hardly pioneers.
You have three different hair dryers for different types of weather.
Maybe it's just gonna take some time to get used to the idea.
- What idea? - Oh.
No.
Um, well, Jay - Cam.
- Claire has-- No.
I-I-I just don't think my dad's really ready for this conversation.
So Oh, stop acting like I'm some stodgy old coot.
I've grown.
Okay.
Um, Jay, Claire has, um, offered to give us one of her eggs so we can have a baby that's half Pritchett, half Tucker.
That's unnatural.
I'm against it.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
Jay is against something.
Cam and Claire wanna have a baby together.
Ugh! You're not gonna do that.
It's not your decision, dad.
You're not thinking straight.
And you're not in charge.
Okay, Claire and I are adults.
If--if we want this to happen, it--it's gonna happen.
So much for second thoughts.
Young lady, I need to have a talk with you.
- I don't now? - No.
You don't get to tell everyone how to live their lives, that boys cannot spend time with their mommies or that brothers and sisters can't make babies.
- So you're all for this? - No.
It's a freak show, but it's their freak show.
So this is happening again? Well, I'm not gonna not do it 'cause my dad thinks I shouldn't.
You know, I'm not following.
We're not doing it 'cause I don't want to do it.
What we're not doing is not doing it 'cause he doesn't want us to do it.
Just say baby or no baby.
Isn't it enough this family spends a lot of time together? Now we have to inbreed.
Okay, dad, it's not technically inbreeding.
It's, um For the record, I think what my mom is doing is very brave.
I like it.
I've always kind of wanted a half-brother, half-cousin.
Really? "Always"? Well, I mean, if you think about it Oh, wow.
When was the last time we talked under a table? Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.
Oh, yeah.
Um, mm I love you.
You know that But I can't do this.
No, no, neither can I! Really? Yeah.
Are you serious? You can't--oh, God.
I'm so relieved.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I ugh.
I am so sorry I led us down this road.
No, no.
No, Claire, don't be.
Don't be.
It was--it was generous and thoughtful, just like you.
How could I not want those qualities in my child? Ohh.
Oh, come here.
So this is really happening? - Ah.
- What if it is, dad? Yeah.
What if we love each other, and this is a beautiful thing? - Okay, it's our decision.
It's not yours.
- Yeah.
So baby? No baby? - No.
- Mnh-mnh.
You okay? Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.
Mm, I know it's been hard on you.
Hey, what if we went out for a nice dinner tonight? Oh, that'd be fun.
Should I call the sitter? Yeah.
Oh, you know what I was thinking today? What about Luke? Oh, he's so good with her, the way he looks at her My God, Cam.
Oh, look, she's organizing her things.
- Look at how she's dressed.
- Oh! We didn't make her, but she sure is us.
Hey, Lily, honey, it might make more sense with the shoes - Mitchell.
- Because I like what she did with the dolls-- - Play as you will.
Play as you will.
- It's nice.
The big one, remember? One of the first ones we found.
It was at the bottom of the gutter in the street.
Ay, yes.
We put the gum at the bottom of your walking stick.
Ay, look at this one-- the green one, the one we found at the floor of my taxi.
- Your taxi? - Yes.
Before I had somebody running my life for me, I used to drive a taxi at night.
Manny would sleep in the seat next to me.
One time, I had to hit the brakes so hard that he fell into the floor and he found the penny.
Pretty lucky, huh? Eight years.
I can't believe we're finally done.
Me, either.
Come.
Let's go get your lottery ticket.
- Gloria.
- Hmm? I think you made a mistake here.
What did I do now? I counted these, and you've only got 96 pennies.
Are you sure? Afraid so.
I guess you're gonna have to keep lookin'.
Dang it! I counted those.
See for yourself.
And now we upload your picture.
- This is fun.
This is fun.
- Yeah.
And in just a few short moments, thanks to the magic of technology We'll know what our baby actually looks-- - Oh! No! - What happened? What is that? Did you put one of us in upside-down? No! That's actually-- Okay, I-I don't want to see this anymore.
Ohh.
Turn it off.
Oh, it's not turning off.
Well, throw something over it! That--oh, God! Yeah, well, we played God, and look what we brought forth.
Daddies, what are you looking at? Aah! Oh! Maybe it wasn't that bad.
No, no, it's possible that we overreacted.
Yeah.
Maybe our expectations were just a little bit too high.
That little guy had some cute features.
Huh? - Of course he did.
It's us.
It can't be that bad.
- Yeah.
- Let's just take-- - Ahhh!