The Golden Girls (1985) s03e15 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidante (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Hi, Sophia.
What you cooking? Lasagna, for a guy at the center.
Oh! Is he cute? Cute.
He's 84, doesn't have a hair on his head or a real tooth in his mouth, and his body's covered with liver spots.
To answer your question, he's adorable.
Look at the great costume I got for the masquerade ball.
I can't decide whether to be the front end or the rear end.
I'm in a romantic mood.
I'm gonna let that golden opportunity pass right by.
- Hi, Dorothy.
- Oh, hello.
I got our costume for the ball at the counseling center.
Is it time for that again? It's the biggest social event of the season.
- Dorothy, it'll be fun.
- It will not be fun.
There is no fun in my life.
Have you ever felt like you're stuck in a rut, going through the motions with no joy, pleasure or excitement? Sure.
That was my sex life with your father.
Ma, my job is routine.
I have virtually no social life.
Nothing interests me.
My life has just become dull and boring.
Where's that sense of fun, that lighthearted laughter, that devil-may-care attitude? Sophia, when was Dorothy ever like that? Never.
I've been asking her these questions since she's 12.
You can't help it if you're dull and boring.
God did that to give the world some variety.
Otherwise, everybody would be just like me.
And there wouldn't be enough sailors to go around.
Your life doesn't have to be dull.
It's up to you to make it interesting.
Oh, I know.
You're right.
Get off your duff and do something.
There's a lecture at the school tonight.
Barbara Thorndyke is going to speak.
Who's Barbara Thorndyke? A local novelist whose stories are all set in Florida.
Wait a second.
Barbara Thorndyke.
Didn't she write Evil Wind Over Pensacola? - You know it? - I go to bed with it every night.
- What's it about? - How should I know? My mattress frame lost a caster.
I use it to keep the bed level.
- Hi, Dorothy.
- Hi, Blanche.
Are we expecting company? Yep.
Barbara Thorndyke.
I introduced myself after the lecture.
We went out and had coffee and talked for hours.
What you talk about? Art, literature, world events, life.
I haven't had that stimulating a conversation in years.
If you're saying you can't get stimulating conversation around this house, I beg to differ.
I can't believe it.
It says since Michael Jackson can't buy the Elephant Man, he's put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.
You can't believe everything you read in that rag.
It caters to people of the lowest intelligence.
Then why do you buy it? Because it's the only newspaper Elvis will talk to from beyond the grave.
- I'm sorry.
Where was I? - It's not important.
Listen, Rose.
Let's put this away so that Barbara Thorndyke won't see it.
Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow.
I've never met a real author before.
I have.
I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph.
When I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually, uh, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, and Schwarzenegger.
Schwarzenegger.
Yeah.
- Did he sign your book? - Yes.
But only after he refused to sign my thigh.
He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.
Oh, hi, Ma.
Anybody want a lasagna? I thought you made that for your friend.
He said he had lunch already.
I offered to go to his place and warm it up for supper.
He said no.
The key is to make a man think you're not interested in him.
Offering to make him dinner made you look too easy.
Please.
Black underwear and pasties couldn't make me look easy.
[Doorbell rings.]
- Barbara, please, come in.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
- These are my friends.
That's Blanche Devereaux.
Rose Nylund.
How do you do? Sit down.
Sit down.
Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.
No, I'm just a writer.
Malamud's an author.
I thought malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in the middle.
Those are mallomars, Rose.
Dorothy, I want you to have a copy of my latest novel.
Oh.
Scarlet Dawn at Boca Raton.
Read the inscription.
Oh.
"To Dorothy Zbornak, a new and fascinating friend.
" Oh, thank you so much.
I'm really touched.
I'll get the coffee and let you get to know each other.
Barbara, that is a stunning brooch.
Wherever did you get it? Oh.
I was in Morocco working on a novel, not to mention a dashing young Moroccan, Oh! When I had a severe attack of writer's block.
My head was devoid of all ideas and thoughts.
That happens to me a lot.
Do you write? No.
Why do you ask? Go on, Barbara.
I went for a walk in a crowded marketplace.
A man came up behind me, put something in my hand, and said, "This is what you need.
" That happened to me once in the produce section at the A&P.
Well, anyway, the man gave me the brooch, and since then, I've never had any problem writing.
This is my muse, my artistic inspiration, the embodiment of my creativity.
And you know what's even better? It goes with anything.
It might be a little tricky with plaid.
I'd be careful if I were you.
You missed the point of my story.
Oh, really? Run it by us again.
I think not.
So, um, you bowl? I beg your pardon? How's it going? I've had the most delightful conversation with Rose and Madge.
- That's Blanche.
- Oh, of course.
However I just remembered a previous engagement.
I have to go.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, at least let me walk you to your car.
What do you think? There's something about her I don't like.
- Me, too.
- I find her hard to talk to.
- Me, too.
- She thinks I'm dumb.
Me, too.
Blanche, have you decided who you're gonna be at the ball? Yes.
I'm going as Eve from the Garden of Eden.
All I'll need is a few strategically placed leaves.
- What about a snake? - I already have a snake.
I'm going with Hank Crinland.
He's a whiplash attorney.
Dorothy, Rose and I are going to the movies.
You wanna go? I can't tonight.
Barbara's taking me to the experimental theater downtown.
Somebody dragged me to a show there one time.
Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talking about God and eating graham crackers.
They wore masks, but other than that, they were totally naked.
You stayed through the whole evening? Well, I would've left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me.
But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.
Dorothy, come with us.
You'll have a lot more fun.
Besides, that Barbara is so snooty.
How can you say that? You hardly know her.
Why doesn't she include us in plans she makes with you? Because you have different interests.
Is it too much to ask of my best friends that they respect my right to have different interests and people in my life? - I guess not.
- Thank you.
And I promise we'll do something together real soon.
Okay? Maybe she's right.
We didn't give Barbara much of a chance.
First impressions can be wrong.
You're right.
I remember when I was little back in St.
Olaf.
There was this old lady who lived up the street.
She never smiled.
She always looked angry.
The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property.
We called her Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.
Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
No.
That was her name.
Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.
She had it changed legally 'cause everybody called her that anyway.
Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy? There were already three other people in town with that name.
But that's beside the point.
One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper and ask her why she always frowned.
Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles.
I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down.
So from then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave.
That is one of the stupidest stories I've ever heard.
Which proves my first impression of you was right.
Blanche, I have an idea.
Why don't we invite Barbara over for dinner and give her another chance? Why not? If it makes Dorothy happy.
Let's go to the movies.
Rose, what was your first impression of me? I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut.
I was wrong.
You don't wear too much makeup.
And so Dorothy Parker turned to Alexander Woollcott and said, "If you laid all the women in this room end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
" Very clever.
Very, very clever.
I can't remember hearing anything more clever.
Unless it was last week on Alf, when the cat next door I'll go get the after-dinner drinks.
Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Ah, yes.
So Dark the Waves on Biscayne Bay.
I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Well, I should hope so.
Blanche.
It's all right.
Did you have a problem with my book? Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
All those waves.
Big waves, little waves.
Dark waves rolling in.
Page after page.
I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three.
Blanche, the waves are a metaphor.
You see, a metaphor I know what a metaphor is, dear.
I'm not a dummy.
Blanche, what's a metaphor? It's when you use a phrase to mean something else.
Like when I say, "Men are blinded by my beauty," they're not really blinded.
They get their sight back in a day or two.
Oh, Barbara, this is my mother, Sophia.
Ah.
Sophia, your daughter is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.
Boy, you writers never stop using your imagination.
- [Horn blares.]
- Well, good-bye.
Where are you going? It's Saturday night.
I'm all dressed up.
There's a car honking for me.
Think, Dorothy.
Remember something called "a date"? Well, I'd better be going to.
But it's still so early.
I thought we could all have a game of oogle and floogle.
I don't believe I've ever heard of that.
We used to play it back in St.
Olaf.
It's an adult version of hide-and-go-seek.
And how does it differ from the children's version? Adults play it.
Of course.
I should have known.
I'll take a rain check.
It was so nice of you to come by.
I have an extra ticket for the writers symposium on Friday.
Would you like to come? I'd love to, Barbara.
Thank you.
Anything for a friend.
Ciao.
Ciao.
And good-bye to you, too, Barbara.
Dorothy, the masquerade ball is Friday night.
You know how much it means to me.
I'm counting on you to be the rear end of my horse.
Rose, sweetheart, this Friday I can choose between rubbing elbows with Norman Mailer, or doing the hokey-pokey in a horse costume with your behind in my face.
Well, which is it gonna be? Rose, honey, pass me the tuffy.
- With pleasure, Blanche.
- Thank you, Rose.
You're welcome, Blanche.
You can always count on me to hand you the tuffy.
I know.
That's why I always ask you.
I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company.
Oh, at last, a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.
I guess her well of knowledge has run dry.
That's a metaphor, Dorothy.
Why is it so important that I go to this masquerade ball? Because it's so important to Rose.
She's crushed, torn up, devastated by your shocking insensitivity to her feelings.
- I don't feel that bad.
- Shut up, Rose.
I never said I was going.
Since when do we have to say we're going? We've gone for the past five years.
We may hate it, but we always go.
You never told me you hated it.
I'm a good friend.
A good friend would never say anything like that.
I appreciate that.
Just admit that this is because you don't like Barbara.
All right.
I don't like Barbara.
I think she's a phony.
Oh.
This from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed to Kill.
That's just a little white lie.
Then why is it on your job resumé? Blanche is right, Dorothy.
Barbara is not very nice.
She looks down on everybody except you.
- That's only 'cause you look up to her.
- That is ridiculous.
You don't notice how she uses her intelligence to make everybody else look stupid.
Like at supper when she asked us to pass the salt in Latin.
She cares more about words than she does about people.
You have a right to have your own friends, but it takes a good friend to point out your mistakes, and you're making one with Barbara.
How dare you make judgments like that.
And how dare you tell me who my friends should be.
Barbara, this place is incredible.
Yes.
It's the hangout for Miami's literary intelligentsia.
Ah, thank you.
Well, I've never seen a menu with a table of contents before.
Skip ahead to chapter five.
It's the lunch menu.
Oh, gee, everything sounds so good.
The Crepes of Wrath.
The Old Man and the Seafood Salad.
I think I will have the For Whom the Stuffed Bell Pepper Tolls.
I'll have a turkey sandwich on Catcher in the Rye bread with a side order of George Bernard Slaw.
Barbara, I've really come to value our friendship.
That's why I feel I can talk to you about something.
Feel free.
If I had a problem, I'd wanna confide in someone like me.
Ever since we became friends, there has been a great deal of tension between Blanche and Rose and me.
I didn't mean to infringe on your friendship.
No, no.
It's not your fault.
The problem is they feel left out of our friendship, and I don't know what to do about it.
Face it, Dorothy.
Blanche and Rose are limited.
Well, I admit I get tired of hearing about Blanche's dates and Rose's relatives back in St.
Olaf, but they are very good friends.
If you like them, I must have overlooked something.
I have an idea.
Why don't I invite everybody and their dates for dinner at the Mortimer Club? The Mortimer Club? Barbara, that is the most exclusive club in town.
Here we are, ladies.
I didn't order the French fries.
Oh, right.
You get the Edgar Allan Poe-tatoes and the Ice Water Cometh.
You know, a little of that goes a very long way.
I'm having second thoughts about spending another evening with Barbara.
I don't think it'll hurt to give her another chance.
We're going to the Mortimer Club.
What's the big deal? Rose, the wealthiest men in Florida go there.
It's been my experience that wealthy men make the best lovers.
Is that true? No.
But if you tell them that, sometimes they'll take you to the mall and let you use their credit card for 45 minutes.
Blanche, honey, I hope you don't mind.
I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
No, but I should point out it was designed for a dainty neck.
Yes, Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hello, Madge.
That's Blanche.
Oh, didn't I say that? This is my date, Norman.
He's a student in my creative writing course.
I didn't know you taught high school.
Norman and I are the same age spiritually.
Hey, if you can get him to buy that, more power to you.
Hello, Barbara.
Hi, Dorothy, Rose.
I certainly hope tonight will help us forget what happened the other night.
I already forgot what happened the other night.
But I'm 82 years old.
This morning I forgot my cat's been dead for 20 years.
Which makes me wonder: Who's using the kitty litter? [Doorbell rings.]
Hello.
Come in.
Oh, Murray, what a snazzy tux.
I better not let you out of my sight tonight.
That's my daughter Dorothy.
These are her friends.
Everybody, I'd like you to meet Murray Guttman.
How do you do? Murray, such a pleasure to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Dorothy, could I see you in the kitchen for a second? We have a little problem.
- We do? - Yes.
Murray Guttman? Oh.
Maybe we can get him to turn his jacket inside out.
I'm sure the lining isn't as loud.
His tuxedo has nothing to do with it.
I don't understand.
He can't come to the club.
- Why not? - Guttman.
What are you talking about? Guttman.
He's Jewish, isn't he? I don't know.
What difference does it make? Oh, a big difference.
The Mortimer Club is restricted.
Why are you a member of a club like that? Because they serve a great breakfast and the parking is free.
Besides, it's their policy, not mine.
- Yeah, but you tolerate it.
- Dorothy, I tolerate a lot of things.
For instance, I'm tolerating this evening with Rose and Blanche because of my friendship with you.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Let's not make a big thing out of this.
We can't go to the Mortimer Club.
We'll go to another restaurant.
Boy, did I misjudge you.
Blanche and Rose were right.
You are not the kind of person I want as a friend.
Go to the Mortimer Club by yourself.
- I don't understand.
- Let me spell it out for you.
Go to hell.
Hmm? Dorothy, what happened? Barbara just stormed out of here.
She's not coming back.
Both of you were right about her.
I can't believe that I couldn't see it.
Can you ever forgive me? What do you think? Should we give her another chance? We better.
Best friends are hard to come by.
Does this mean you'll go to the masquerade ball? Yes.
And I'll tell you something.
After all the practice I have had lately, I'd be honored to be the horse's behind.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!