South Park s03e16 Episode Script
Are You There God, It's Me Jesus
Dude, what're we gonna do for New Year's Eve?! It has to be awesome! I know! It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives! - Y'guys! Y'guys! Guess what! - What, fatass?! I've become a man! I started pubrity, y'guys! - What?! - No you didn't! - Yes! I really did! - How do you know?! - Well, because yesterday, I got my period! - You got your what?! - My period, y'guys! You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature starts to take its course by having you bleed out of your ass for a few days every month! - You're making that up! Miss Alton, what's it mean to get a period?! Well, boys, I don't think I can tell you! Uh Please! It's important! Well, it's when pubrity hits and you bleed you know down there! - Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right! Well, guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve! I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm mature! I got my period and you guys didn't! Dude, Cartman can't hit pubrity before us! Well, maybe we'll get ours soon too! I'm gonna go see if I'm bleeding out my ass! Me too! In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children! Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt-with with simple antibiotics! Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve 1999! The new millenium is almost upon us, and all over the world, people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another! But, probably, the biggest event of the millenium is one happening in South Park, Colarado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ! Craig Nezzo is standing by! Thank's, Tom! It is indeed four days until the new millenium and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus here at his house in South Park! Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out because, as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love! Oh! It looks like Jesus might be coming out! - Oh, look, Tommy! There he is! Can you see him?! - He's neat, mommy! Everyone is quiet here, Tom! Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous! But, he has taken another step out! Tom, this is great news for us! What are you people doing? Can I help you with something? Well, it's the millenium, Jesus! Well, it's the millenium! So, what happens at the millenium? - I don't know! - We thought YOU did! Yeah! You're s'posed to know! - Yeah! You're Jesus! You're s'posed to know! Oh! Well Yea! Believe in me an ye shall find peace! Yeah, yeah, yeah! We've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear something new! It's the year 2000 for Christ's sake! Well, wha'd'you want?! - We want to see God! - Yeah! With our own eyes! We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999! Uh, lemmie think about that for a minute! - Is that good?! - I don't know! Dude! Did you get your period yet?! - No! There's no blood coming out of my ass! Mine neither, but I double checked and Cartman was right! Your period is that start of pubrity! Well, if Cartman's the only one who gets it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways! C'mon, Cartman! We have to make plans for New Years! Hold your horses, guys! This is very important for mature people! "Offers complete protection during heavy flow".
"Makes main stoppage of vaginal chunks".
Oh! This one's got wings, y'guys! Whoopie! I got my period! I got my period too! - You did?! - You got your period too, Kenny?! Yeah, you guys! I got home, sat on the toilet, and I got my period! Well, welcome to the club, Kenny! You got your period, so now you're a man! We can hang out together on New Year's Eve! But first, you need to buy some maxipads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear! Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then, he went back inside! But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus! Well, the way I see, if he really is who he says he is, well, he'd better do something on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible! Father, I need to talk to you! Please, father! Appear to me! What is it, my child?! Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millenium! I'm kinda making a come-back! Yea! Like John Travolta before you! You are experiencing a second revival! It's the millenium, father! People want to see you! Nay! Their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me! But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a come-back! Be ye careful of pride, Jesus! - Just make an appearance! You can come down, say hi to a few people, and can be back by 12:30! I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself! Ike, can I talk to you?! - Uh, uh! We're different! Ike, I don't know what to do! All the guys are getting their periods and I don't think I am! I can't be the last one to get it! I just can't! Buh, buh! Cheerie! Cartman got his, then Kenny! What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out! I might not even get to be their friend anymore! No! Words are sucker! Mogie! Moogamo goust! Cabagoust! Yeah! I could just SAY I got my period! It's not like they'll check! I can just say I got my period cause I really WILL get it someday! It's not really lying! It's just jumping the gun a little! Cooka makker! - Thanks a lot, Ike! So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?! Look! Kenny and I are mature now! We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids! Did you get your maxipads, Kenny?! - No, I went and got a tampon! Tampon?! What's a tampon?! It's a dildo! You stick it in your ass! - Ew! Doesn't that hurt?! - YOU GUYS! I GOT MY PERIOD TOO! - Wow! Cool! - You did?! - Yeah! I was just hangin' out in my room and then I perioded all over the place! Alright! You have to be in me and Kenny's club then! My mom gave me this "Women who Run with the Wolves" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers! Awesome! We get powers?! Yeah! C'mon! We can set up everything in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! Hey! Don't feel bad, Stan! Some of us just mature a little later than others! "Are you there, God?! It's me! Stan! If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year! Could you speed up my development a little?! Thanks, God! Your friend, Stan!" "Are you there, God?! It's me! Jesus! I feel like I got a real shot at a come-back, God! For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again! I'm two-thousand years old, but I feel like I'm twenty-eight again! I think I'm going to win everybody back because I just made a few phone calls and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's specticle this world has ever seen!" Good morning, South Park! It's 8 AM and only 2 more days until the new millenium! Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! Stanley, honey, what's the matter?! I'm not bleeding out of my ass! Well, that's good, honey! No, it's not! It's terrible! Are you there, God! It's me! Stan! How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death! If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve! Please! Please, give me my period soon! - Here he comes! - He's coming out! I've given it much thought, my children, and you were right! After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millenium! I have spoken to my father in heaven and he agreed that the millenium is significant to all of us, and ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! So, what we're gonna do, tomorrow night New Year's Eve 1999, we just got Rod Stewart to agree to play a COME-BACK CONCERT AT THE RIO HOTEL CASINO IN LAS VEGAS, AND YOU'RE ALL GOING! We knew you could do it, Jesus! I better book myself a flight to Vegas! For he is Saviour! For he is Lord! He give me hope when I have only been born! And he lifts me up with his gentle arms! Okay! Is everyone accounted for? - Goddess Wind! - Here! Goddess Moon!? GODDESS MOON!? - I'm here! And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delights! So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods! We're s'posed to talk about our periods and boys! Let's talk about boys first! I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool! I think Clyde is kinda cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde! Yeah! I agree! I think that Craig is cooler than Clyde, and Clyde is a dirty dumb fuck! Okay! That settles that! Now let's talk about our periods! Kyle, you first! What's the matter, Kyle? Nothing! My period is really My period is going swimmingly! Okay! That makes sense! Mine's going swimmingly too! - Mine too! Oh! Hello, Stan! - Hey, Chef! - How's it goin'? Bad! Why bad?! - Can I come in? - Well, sure! Now what's the matter, little cracker? Chef, I have this friend! See?! And this person's really bummed out because everyone else the same age has gotten their period and this person hasn't! - Oh! Your talkin' about your older sister Shelly? - No! Your little girlfriend Wendy! Look, it doesn't matter who it is! The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't! Look, Stan! Do you really know what a period is? - Yeah! Cartman told us! Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstral cycle! I think it might clear things up for you! - Okay! I'm alright! I'm, I'm cool! It's okay! Watch out for the bedspread, baby! I'll tell ya what! Why don't I call you next week? And that's my song about the menstral cycle! Stan, did that clear things up for you? So what you're saying is this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time! - Is that what I said?! - But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again because everyone has blood coming out of their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate then, by God, I'm gonna sit around and be the only periodless eight-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! Whoa! I must've missed a whole little part there! Can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millenium concert! He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock! H'oh! I'm excited too! I think it'll bring my father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I am the lamb of God! Yeah! And, ya know Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we can talk about that later! Here comes Rod now! Hey! Rod! Great to see you! The folks are sure glad you're playing! It's really given them a lot of faith in me again! I'm sure that together we can make this millenium party the best New Year's bash ever! - Poop pants! - What?! - Poop pants! - Poo pants?! - You pooped your pants?! - Pooped my pants! Nurse! Mr.
Stewart has apparently pooped his pants! Again?! Now, Mr.
Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr.
Dookie? Yes! Pubrity is a very wonderful thing, Stan! It's what links us all together, makes us one! But what happens if there's someone who never went through pubrity? Never went through pubrity?! Who never went through pubrity? Nobody! I mean, uh, well, my dad! Your father never went through pubrity? No, and that's why he sent me here, 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself! Well, I can't say that I blame him! - So do you know anything that can help him? Well, I should think the most logical solution would be Hormones! - Hormones? Yes! Here! Tell you father to take just one of these pills every week! It could be just what he needs! And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me! Thanks a lot, Dr.
Mephesto! You're the best! My pleasure! I just love helping people! Now for our first club activity! We're s'posed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word! We look at the word and think about what that word means to us! Today's word is "Spirituality".
What that means to me is Hey, assholes! Oh, look! It's that little boy who hasn't got his period yet! Don't you worry about that! I've started taking Hormones! - Hormones? - Yeah! They make you have your pubrity quicker, and I'm just here to tell you that my pubrity is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's! Dude, I don't think eight-year-olds are s'posed to take Hormones! Yeah! You shouldn't force your period, Stan! You should let it come like the morning dew! So what're we gonna do for New Year's? Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas! I guess there'll be some younger kids there too if you wanna go! I'm gonna go take some more Hormones! Now, the word is "Spirituality".
I believe that the goddess in me is more spirituality because Quiet, Kenny! The goddess lives in all of us and has Goddammit, Kenny! Shut the hell up! Whoa, dude! - Mr.
and Mrs.
McKormic? Yes? I'm sorry! We couldn't save your son! Oh, my God! My little Kenny's gone! I can't believe it! We just didn't get to him in time! There's nothing we could do! What happened?! What killed him, doctor?! Well, we found a tampon stuck up your child's ass! Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days! It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank! Oh, my God! My worry is that he could've been following some kind of crazy new fad! Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something! We must get to the bottom of this, if you'll pardon the pun! But, actually right now, I've gotta catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart millenium show! Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas? Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas where tommorrow night, THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen! Jesus Christ, our lord and saviour, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed king of pop, right here at this hotel behind me! It looks as thought Jesus really has come through! Everyone is very excited because rumour has it that GOD himself is gonna show up to the event! - What?! How 'bout you, ma'am?! Do you think God is gonna show up tommorrow night? Of course, he is! This is Jesus we're talking about! He wouldn't let us down! Oh, no! Are you there, God? Father! Will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow? Hello? Stanley, wake up, honey! It's time to leave for Las Vegas.
Whoa, dude! I've got boobs! Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people! Alright, people! Are we ready to rock the millenium? Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well! Please make them like it! Hey! Here comes Stan.
Have I missed anything? - Wow, Stan! You've really got some nice titties there! - Did you get your period yet, Stan? - No, I didn't, but But don't worry! You'll get it someday! C'mon, Kyle! Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas! Well, I tell you one thing! I, sure as heck, am excited! We've got about four hours to the new year and so I think it's time to START IT UP! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE HE IS! AS PROMISED, MR.
ROD "DO YA THINK I'M SEXY" STEWART! Uh, pooped 'em.
- This sucks balls! - Yeah! - Alright! Enough of this! Bring out God! - Yeah! Oh, no! WE WANT GOD! WE WANT GOD! Please, father! Do something! Uh, folks! I'm afraid God can't make it tonight! We came all the way to Las Vegas for this? This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus! Let's get'im! Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas and what is quickly becoming known as the gayest party ever! Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ! Jesus, why does God hate me?! He doesn't hate YOU! He hates ME! He's gonna let me be crucified again! He hates me more! He doesn't answer my prayers! I pray to him everyday and he never answered me! Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you! Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted? Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want! That takes all the living out of life! - Wha'd'you mean? If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves! Life is about problems and overcoming those problems, and growing and learning from obsticals! If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existance! That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party! - I just want my period! I get it now, father! I had to learn all this on my own! I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgement! Whoa! What is that?! It's dad! God?! God is going to show himself? - Look! I can see him! Father! You came! Now, look upon me, my children, as you know me! Be not afraid! Blessed art thou, my children! That's God? Yea! 'Tis my father the creator! He is the alpha, the omega, the beginning, and the end! Well, yeah, but THAT?! What did you expect me to look like, my son? Well, not like that! Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, my children, to ask me one question! - One question? - Only one?! What should we ask him? We have to think carefully! We can ask him anything we want like: "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?"! I have it! I have the question! Now, you have to answer me once and for all! HOW COME I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY PERIOD YET!? My child, you are a boy! Boys do not get periods! That's only for girls! Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection, and your friend Kyle simply lied about it! How'd he know that?! You will get pubrity when the time is right, but you will never have a period because you are a man with titties! Thus speaketh the Lord! And now, I return to heaven! Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question! Does it?! I will answer another on New Year's Eve in the year 4000! Did you hear that, everbody?! I'm not ever S'POSED to have my period! That's why God wasn't answering me before! Boy! I'm sure glad everything worked out okay! I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh! Let's get'im!
"Makes main stoppage of vaginal chunks".
Oh! This one's got wings, y'guys! Whoopie! I got my period! I got my period too! - You did?! - You got your period too, Kenny?! Yeah, you guys! I got home, sat on the toilet, and I got my period! Well, welcome to the club, Kenny! You got your period, so now you're a man! We can hang out together on New Year's Eve! But first, you need to buy some maxipads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear! Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then, he went back inside! But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus! Well, the way I see, if he really is who he says he is, well, he'd better do something on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible! Father, I need to talk to you! Please, father! Appear to me! What is it, my child?! Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millenium! I'm kinda making a come-back! Yea! Like John Travolta before you! You are experiencing a second revival! It's the millenium, father! People want to see you! Nay! Their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me! But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a come-back! Be ye careful of pride, Jesus! - Just make an appearance! You can come down, say hi to a few people, and can be back by 12:30! I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself! Ike, can I talk to you?! - Uh, uh! We're different! Ike, I don't know what to do! All the guys are getting their periods and I don't think I am! I can't be the last one to get it! I just can't! Buh, buh! Cheerie! Cartman got his, then Kenny! What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out! I might not even get to be their friend anymore! No! Words are sucker! Mogie! Moogamo goust! Cabagoust! Yeah! I could just SAY I got my period! It's not like they'll check! I can just say I got my period cause I really WILL get it someday! It's not really lying! It's just jumping the gun a little! Cooka makker! - Thanks a lot, Ike! So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?! Look! Kenny and I are mature now! We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids! Did you get your maxipads, Kenny?! - No, I went and got a tampon! Tampon?! What's a tampon?! It's a dildo! You stick it in your ass! - Ew! Doesn't that hurt?! - YOU GUYS! I GOT MY PERIOD TOO! - Wow! Cool! - You did?! - Yeah! I was just hangin' out in my room and then I perioded all over the place! Alright! You have to be in me and Kenny's club then! My mom gave me this "Women who Run with the Wolves" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers! Awesome! We get powers?! Yeah! C'mon! We can set up everything in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! Hey! Don't feel bad, Stan! Some of us just mature a little later than others! "Are you there, God?! It's me! Stan! If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year! Could you speed up my development a little?! Thanks, God! Your friend, Stan!" "Are you there, God?! It's me! Jesus! I feel like I got a real shot at a come-back, God! For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again! I'm two-thousand years old, but I feel like I'm twenty-eight again! I think I'm going to win everybody back because I just made a few phone calls and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's specticle this world has ever seen!" Good morning, South Park! It's 8 AM and only 2 more days until the new millenium! Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! Stanley, honey, what's the matter?! I'm not bleeding out of my ass! Well, that's good, honey! No, it's not! It's terrible! Are you there, God! It's me! Stan! How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death! If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve! Please! Please, give me my period soon! - Here he comes! - He's coming out! I've given it much thought, my children, and you were right! After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millenium! I have spoken to my father in heaven and he agreed that the millenium is significant to all of us, and ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! So, what we're gonna do, tomorrow night New Year's Eve 1999, we just got Rod Stewart to agree to play a COME-BACK CONCERT AT THE RIO HOTEL CASINO IN LAS VEGAS, AND YOU'RE ALL GOING! We knew you could do it, Jesus! I better book myself a flight to Vegas! For he is Saviour! For he is Lord! He give me hope when I have only been born! And he lifts me up with his gentle arms! Okay! Is everyone accounted for? - Goddess Wind! - Here! Goddess Moon!? GODDESS MOON!? - I'm here! And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delights! So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods! We're s'posed to talk about our periods and boys! Let's talk about boys first! I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool! I think Clyde is kinda cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde! Yeah! I agree! I think that Craig is cooler than Clyde, and Clyde is a dirty dumb fuck! Okay! That settles that! Now let's talk about our periods! Kyle, you first! What's the matter, Kyle? Nothing! My period is really My period is going swimmingly! Okay! That makes sense! Mine's going swimmingly too! - Mine too! Oh! Hello, Stan! - Hey, Chef! - How's it goin'? Bad! Why bad?! - Can I come in? - Well, sure! Now what's the matter, little cracker? Chef, I have this friend! See?! And this person's really bummed out because everyone else the same age has gotten their period and this person hasn't! - Oh! Your talkin' about your older sister Shelly? - No! Your little girlfriend Wendy! Look, it doesn't matter who it is! The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't! Look, Stan! Do you really know what a period is? - Yeah! Cartman told us! Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstral cycle! I think it might clear things up for you! - Okay! I'm alright! I'm, I'm cool! It's okay! Watch out for the bedspread, baby! I'll tell ya what! Why don't I call you next week? And that's my song about the menstral cycle! Stan, did that clear things up for you? So what you're saying is this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time! - Is that what I said?! - But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again because everyone has blood coming out of their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate then, by God, I'm gonna sit around and be the only periodless eight-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! Whoa! I must've missed a whole little part there! Can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millenium concert! He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock! H'oh! I'm excited too! I think it'll bring my father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I am the lamb of God! Yeah! And, ya know Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we can talk about that later! Here comes Rod now! Hey! Rod! Great to see you! The folks are sure glad you're playing! It's really given them a lot of faith in me again! I'm sure that together we can make this millenium party the best New Year's bash ever! - Poop pants! - What?! - Poop pants! - Poo pants?! - You pooped your pants?! - Pooped my pants! Nurse! Mr.
Stewart has apparently pooped his pants! Again?! Now, Mr.
Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr.
Dookie? Yes! Pubrity is a very wonderful thing, Stan! It's what links us all together, makes us one! But what happens if there's someone who never went through pubrity? Never went through pubrity?! Who never went through pubrity? Nobody! I mean, uh, well, my dad! Your father never went through pubrity? No, and that's why he sent me here, 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself! Well, I can't say that I blame him! - So do you know anything that can help him? Well, I should think the most logical solution would be Hormones! - Hormones? Yes! Here! Tell you father to take just one of these pills every week! It could be just what he needs! And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me! Thanks a lot, Dr.
Mephesto! You're the best! My pleasure! I just love helping people! Now for our first club activity! We're s'posed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word! We look at the word and think about what that word means to us! Today's word is "Spirituality".
What that means to me is Hey, assholes! Oh, look! It's that little boy who hasn't got his period yet! Don't you worry about that! I've started taking Hormones! - Hormones? - Yeah! They make you have your pubrity quicker, and I'm just here to tell you that my pubrity is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's! Dude, I don't think eight-year-olds are s'posed to take Hormones! Yeah! You shouldn't force your period, Stan! You should let it come like the morning dew! So what're we gonna do for New Year's? Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas! I guess there'll be some younger kids there too if you wanna go! I'm gonna go take some more Hormones! Now, the word is "Spirituality".
I believe that the goddess in me is more spirituality because Quiet, Kenny! The goddess lives in all of us and has Goddammit, Kenny! Shut the hell up! Whoa, dude! - Mr.
and Mrs.
McKormic? Yes? I'm sorry! We couldn't save your son! Oh, my God! My little Kenny's gone! I can't believe it! We just didn't get to him in time! There's nothing we could do! What happened?! What killed him, doctor?! Well, we found a tampon stuck up your child's ass! Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days! It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank! Oh, my God! My worry is that he could've been following some kind of crazy new fad! Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something! We must get to the bottom of this, if you'll pardon the pun! But, actually right now, I've gotta catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart millenium show! Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas? Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas where tommorrow night, THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen! Jesus Christ, our lord and saviour, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed king of pop, right here at this hotel behind me! It looks as thought Jesus really has come through! Everyone is very excited because rumour has it that GOD himself is gonna show up to the event! - What?! How 'bout you, ma'am?! Do you think God is gonna show up tommorrow night? Of course, he is! This is Jesus we're talking about! He wouldn't let us down! Oh, no! Are you there, God? Father! Will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow? Hello? Stanley, wake up, honey! It's time to leave for Las Vegas.
Whoa, dude! I've got boobs! Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people! Alright, people! Are we ready to rock the millenium? Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well! Please make them like it! Hey! Here comes Stan.
Have I missed anything? - Wow, Stan! You've really got some nice titties there! - Did you get your period yet, Stan? - No, I didn't, but But don't worry! You'll get it someday! C'mon, Kyle! Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas! Well, I tell you one thing! I, sure as heck, am excited! We've got about four hours to the new year and so I think it's time to START IT UP! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE HE IS! AS PROMISED, MR.
ROD "DO YA THINK I'M SEXY" STEWART! Uh, pooped 'em.
- This sucks balls! - Yeah! - Alright! Enough of this! Bring out God! - Yeah! Oh, no! WE WANT GOD! WE WANT GOD! Please, father! Do something! Uh, folks! I'm afraid God can't make it tonight! We came all the way to Las Vegas for this? This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus! Let's get'im! Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas and what is quickly becoming known as the gayest party ever! Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ! Jesus, why does God hate me?! He doesn't hate YOU! He hates ME! He's gonna let me be crucified again! He hates me more! He doesn't answer my prayers! I pray to him everyday and he never answered me! Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you! Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted? Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want! That takes all the living out of life! - Wha'd'you mean? If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves! Life is about problems and overcoming those problems, and growing and learning from obsticals! If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existance! That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party! - I just want my period! I get it now, father! I had to learn all this on my own! I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgement! Whoa! What is that?! It's dad! God?! God is going to show himself? - Look! I can see him! Father! You came! Now, look upon me, my children, as you know me! Be not afraid! Blessed art thou, my children! That's God? Yea! 'Tis my father the creator! He is the alpha, the omega, the beginning, and the end! Well, yeah, but THAT?! What did you expect me to look like, my son? Well, not like that! Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, my children, to ask me one question! - One question? - Only one?! What should we ask him? We have to think carefully! We can ask him anything we want like: "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?"! I have it! I have the question! Now, you have to answer me once and for all! HOW COME I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY PERIOD YET!? My child, you are a boy! Boys do not get periods! That's only for girls! Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection, and your friend Kyle simply lied about it! How'd he know that?! You will get pubrity when the time is right, but you will never have a period because you are a man with titties! Thus speaketh the Lord! And now, I return to heaven! Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question! Does it?! I will answer another on New Year's Eve in the year 4000! Did you hear that, everbody?! I'm not ever S'POSED to have my period! That's why God wasn't answering me before! Boy! I'm sure glad everything worked out okay! I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh! Let's get'im!