The King of Queens s03e16 Episode Script

All right, Friday it is.
I'll see you then.
Bye-bye now.
[Beeps.]
Ah, this sticks on ice.
What's goin' on? Remember that Mrs.
buxraum character over at the senior center? Oh, yeah.
She's the one who gives me tootsie rolls and calls me Evelyn.
How's she doin'? Dead.
So I'm guessin' that wasn't her.
No, it was her stupid cousin Judy.
She must've heard through the grapevine I was single 'cause she was rubbin' up against me all during the funeral.
You like rubbing.
What's the problem? She's not my type.
I'm small and pushy.
I like 'em big and scared of their own shadows.
So why're you goin' out with her? Wanna get her off my back.
But I'm not spendin' a dime on her, I'll tell you that.
I invited her here where we can eat for free.
Dad, the food here ain't free.
It is for me.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What? A roach, a roach.
It was near the refrigerator.
Oh, my God.
It just went under it.
That's not a roach.
That's a baby frog.
Dad, I think I know what a roach looks like.
Doug! That was a baby frog.
I used to race 'em down in cajun country.
Would you stop it? Doug! What? There's a baby frog in the house.
It's a roach.
Ah, you don't know your ass from your elbow.
Well, where is it? He was near the refrigerator.
Oh, there he is! Kill him.
Kill him.
Just get some raid.
Ok, ok.
Hurry up.
I'm looking.
Come on, I got him cornered here.
Here, here.
Ok, this is oven cleaner.
We don't have raid.
Just--just spray him.
[Spraying.]
Ew.
Is he dead? I can't tell, but he's blind and he's sizzling.
Just pick him up.
Pick him up.
All right.
Ok.
All right, I got him.
Oh, my God, he's big.
Don't.
Stop it.
Stop! There's probably a whole village of 'em under there, and it's all your fault.
What? Yeah, when you broke the snapple bottle, I told you, you have to pull the refrigerator out and clean underneath it.
Ok, you know what? I broke that bottle a year ago.
For the love of God, move on.
It's not funny.
We're probably infested.
I'll do it tomorrow.
No, I'm gonna find them in my bed tonight.
Do it now.
[Shushing.]
You're trembling.
Cut it out.
Stop it.
What are you doing? What am I doing? I'm calming you with my manly caresses.
Doug, if you think sex is gonna get you out of this, you are very, very wrong.
And yet I'm gonna go for it anyway.
I'm very annoyed at you, you know.
Hmm, and that only arouses me.
And you know what else? I left a wet towel on the bathroom floor.
That's pretty annoying, huh? Actually, that really is.
Come on, carry me upstairs and have your way with me.
Just lift with your legs.
(Spence) Deac? Yeah.
Hey, can I whip you up a breakfast burrito? No, thanks.
Denver omelet? Nope.
Uh, I'm good.
Blintzes? Still no.
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey, how'd that massage pillow work out for you last night? Uh, great.
Um, thanks.
Hey, gettin' tossed out by your wife is tough enough, I mean, you don't want to replace one pain in the neck with the other one.
Am I right, huh? Who's with me? Answer the door.
Hey, man.
Hey.
Hey, you got time for some breakfast? Uh, no.
Uh, we--we gotta get to work or all--all the good trucks are gonna be taken.
Oh, got you.
Oh, hey, any idea when you'll be back? 'Cause, uh, I was gonna rent blues brothers 2000.
(Spence) Director's cut! Man, it's brutal in there.
Ah, come on.
He means well.
He's smothering me.
You know what he did last night? He drew me a bath.
Drew me a bath.
I had sex last night.
Unscheduled.
[Sighs.]
Idiot.
Ow! [Car revving powerfully.]
(Doug) Hey, how was work? [Tires screeching.]
[Car crashes.]
That was very reckless.
You leave the refrigerator in the middle of the kitchen.
Excuse me, I was just doin' what you asked me to do.
Then the phone rang, I got distracted.
You got distracted by the phone? Yes, I'm easily distracted.
What happens when the doorbell rings? You wet yourself? Oh, that's very clever, Carrie, 'cause nervous disorders are funny.
All right, now I know.
And apparently, putting the milk away was too much for you, even though the fridge is now one inch from the table.
The phone rang! You know, I broke a nail putting it back.
So, buy another one.
You know what, Doug? You always give me this excuse crap, and it drives me insane.
"I had to go to work, the game was on, I smelled cheese.
" I mean, are you incredibly lazy, or do you-- do you just hate me? Ha, ha.
Jerk.
Ah, come on.
Would you just go down there and finish? God.
I'm exhausted.
I'm just-- I'm gonna go to bed.
Come--come on, car, I'm sorry, ok? I'm a bad boy.
Punish me.
Leave me alone.
Come on, let's do stuff.
Made you feel better last night, right? Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I just read an article about exactly what we're doing.
Really? Were there pictures? No.
It was about couples who--who substitute sex for communication.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's what we do.
Right, right.
Take your pants off.
Doug, think about it.
Last night, I was upset with you about the fridge, and how'd it end up? With sex.
And then we were just about to do the same thing tonight.
Well, it's better than fighting, isn't it? Doug, it's not just when we're fighting.
We fall back on sex all the time.
When we're mad, when we're happy.
When there's nothing good on t.
V.
So? So, the article said if couples do not explore other aspects of their relationship, it could hurt their marriage, you know, down the line.
Carrie, believe me.
I would never do anything to hurt what we have, ever.
Now offee with the pants.
What are you, Benny hill over here? Can we have a conversation about this, please? Fine.
So we fall back on sex once in a while.
What the hell can we do about it? Well, it's funny that you should ask.
The author of this article, who is a psychologist by the way, suggests that couples take a respite.
Which means rest, from sex, while they explore other areas of their relationship.
Ok, fair enough.
Fair enough.
Now, I just read an article in penthouse by a sexologist-- Doug, could you take this seriously, please? I'm sorry.
But this is crazy, Carrie.
I mean, yesterday everything was fine, and today you're telling me we have too much sex.
I mean, most people would die for that problem.
Oh, really? Really? Deacon and Kelly had sex all the time.
And now their marriage is a mess.
Ok, you don't know that too much sex was the reason.
No, but I know that something was obviously missing there.
And now it might be too late to fix it.
Do you want that to happen to us? Of course not.
Honey All right, so, so how long will this no-sex thing be for? That's what the article said.
Well, why'd you have to go and read in the first place? Show-off.
Doug, come on.
It's not that bad.
We've gone 2 weeks before.
Maybe you have.
Come on, it's not that long.
And--and, look, we'll channel all that extra energy into making the rest of our relationship better.
And at the end of the 2 weeks, the forbidden fruit will taste that much sweeter, don't you think? [Sighs deeply.]
Ok, I'm on board.
Thank you.
I love you.
I'll tell you, I just wish I would have known about this ban before last night's sex.
I probably would've concentrated more.
Doug? Yeah.
Get out of there.
You have a lovely home, Artie.
I really like it.
[Coughing.]
Thank you.
H-- [coughing.]
That's nice.
Tell me, have you had tuberculosis long? Oh, Artie, you're a caution.
Oh, my children are home.
Excuse me.
Hey kids, this is Judy.
Hi, there.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
[Sighs.]
Douglas, very discreetly, I need you to set the drapes on fire.
Oh, things aren't going so well, huh? It's torture.
She's diseased and incredibly boring.
Be right with you, dear.
Can you help me out, huh? Sorry.
I've got my own problems, guy.
Wow, you're dad's really in agony down there, huh? Yeah, that Judy is a rough stretch of highway, huh? Actually, if she wasn't his date, I'd be jumping her as we speak.
Come on, we're doing great without sex.
We had a nice dinner, we saw a good movie.
It was a good movie.
So now we're home.
Now we're home.
What to do? What to do? Hey, why don't we just talk? Talk? Yeah, why not? All right, let's talk our brains out.
All right.
Here we go.
Let's talk.
Gonna do some talkin'.
[Drawling.]
Conversation.
You know, the faster you eat it, the better it tastes.
That's their slogan actually.
Oh.
What brand is it? Uh, fast cake.
Oh.
[Coughs.]
[Yawns.]
I beg your pardon.
Oh, it's 9:30, the witching hour.
Well, maybe for you.
Me, I can stay up all night.
I'm used to serving drinks until 5:00 in the morning.
Really? How fascinating.
I'll get your coat.
Yep.
You had to be on your toes when you served the big boys.
Sure.
Like take Sinatra, for example.
You got the drink order wrong for him, next thing you knew, you were wearing it.
You, uh, you served drinks to Frank Sinatra? Oh, I served him a lot more than drinks.
Well, good night, Artie.
Thanks for the laughs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're talkin' about Frank Sinatra sr.
Here, right? Old blue eyes himself.
Well, then where the hell are you going, baby? What about politics? We never talk about politics.
Ok.
Ok, politics.
I'll take politics for 200, Alex.
[Laughs.]
All right, I'll get the party started here.
Uh, in the last election, how did you vote on prop 17? Uh, I voted no.
Really.
Why? Well, I--I vote with a system.
No, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes.
So you just alternate? Yes, that's my system.
Right, right.
[Sighs.]
Uh, how about you? I voted yes.
I voted yes.
Hmm.
Yeah.
At least I think I did, unless I left a hanging Chad.
Oh, right.
'Cause of the, uh, thing.
Right.
[Doorbell rings.]
(Deacon) It's open.
Hey, man.
Hey, man.
Hey, Spence.
It's Doug.
(Spence) Hi, Doug! Hey, I'm making Deacon a grilled-cheese sandwich.
You want one? No, I'm--I'm good.
Bring him one of those international beers.
And one for me, too.
You got it, bro.
You the man.
No, you're the man.
What the hell's going on here? Why's he "the man" now? I don't know, man.
At a certain point I just said why fight it? You know what? It's fantastic.
He cooks for me.
He cleans up after me.
He's like my own little gilligan.
Great.
Glad one of our relationships is clickin'.
Hey, Doug.
What's up, man? All right.
Here is your bottle of laymenbourd.
Thank you.
And Doug, I brought you a tika.
That is a pale ale from French Guyana.
Try it.
It's smooth.
What's goin' on, man? Uh, you and-- you and Carrie having some problems? Aw, what's the matter? Oh, man, it's brutal.
She-- she decided she wanted to ban sex for 2 weeks.
With you or with anybody? Oh, no, you didn't.
[Both guffawing.]
All right, would you idiots shut up! I got a real problem here.
Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, man.
So, um, she banned sex? A week ago.
You know, she said it keeps us from "communicating.
" So we--we tried to communicate, and, guess what? We got nothin'.
Zippo.
What? It's true.
I mean, without sex, my marriage is like a bad first date.
Except this one I can't just ditch at the diner.
Well, don't--don't worry about it, man.
I mean, you gotta work at it.
Hey, deac and I, this didn't come together over night.
Hey, good cookin' don't hurt.
Stop it.
You can't stop the truth.
You punish that kitchen.
A little encouragement doesn't hurt.
This guy, what're you going to do with him? No, you-- no, you.
Goodbye.
Oh, crap, there's another one.
How'd you like me to come under the fridge and ruin your sex life? Douglas, I hate to interrupt what appears to be some kind of herky-jerky dance, but I was wondering if you happen to have any oysters on the half shell? Not on me, no.
What's going on? [Sighs.]
I've got my lady friend downstairs, and I'm this close to closing the deal.
And when I do, Douglas, I'm goin' to do her my way.
Ok, let me be the first to say "brosh.
" And 2nd of all, what are you talking about? I thought you hated her.
That was before I found out she's been intimate with Mr.
Frank Sinatra.
So? So, don't you get it? If I get in there, it's like I've been with Sinatra.
You do realize he's a man? (Judy) Lover! On my way, you cuckoo broad.
Hey! Hey.
Honey, this is the answer to our problem.
"101 ways to make love without doing it.
" I got that on campus today.
Yeah! Ok.
Here we go.
You ready? All right.
Number 1.
"Tell the other person you love them.
" Doug, I love you.
I love you, too, Carrie.
That was great.
I need a cigarette.
Ok, movin' on.
Number 2.
"Give or get a hug.
" All righty.
"Start a scrapbook.
" Ok.
"Give each other pet names.
Play footsie.
" Oh, that might be fun.
Let's play footsie.
All right.
All right.
Here we go.
Up here.
Ok.
Ok.
I guess, uh, footsie pretty much has to be a spontaneous thing.
Yeah, and even then, hmm.
Ok.
Number 8.
"Kiss.
" Kiss? That's a good one.
Let's kiss.
Ok.
Yeah.
It's like we're teenagers again.
Yeah.
Ok.
All right.
Shall I keep my eyes open or closed? Couldn't care less.
Ok.
No.
Doug, come on.
Come on! Are you on board with this or not? Yes.
That's how I kiss.
Fine, you know what? I'm I'm not on board with this, all right? I mean, I finally figured out what our problem is.
What? We had no problem.
That's the problem.
Our relationship was great until you banned sex.
No, Doug, we were avoiding communication.
No, we weren't.
We were Carrie, can I tell you a little story? Sure.
It's about a tasty beverage called Coca-Cola, invented some time in the 1600s.
Anyway, it was sweet.
It was refreshing.
Stores couldn't keep it in stock.
Kids wanted it like wonka bars, and times were good.
Is this your way of tellin' me we're running out of coke? No, it's not! Although we are running low, so you might want to get on that.
Anyway, can I finish my story, please? So one day, one-- and baloney, get baloney.
One day, one of the geniuses working at the coke factory, probably after reading an article, said to himself, "you know what, I want to make coke better.
" And you know what they came out with? New coke.
Or as I like to call it, syrupy piss water.
You finished a pound of baloney? I just bought that.
Ok.
You're not listening to me here, ok? The point is-- it was sliced very thin.
But it's still a pound.
Can I bring my point home? Yes.
The point is, that's what you're doing with our relationship.
You're screwing around with the formula.
And you-- you don't have to.
It's--it's great what we have.
I don't-- I just-- I just felt like we needed to talk more.
We talk all the time.
We just-- we don't talk about library propositions.
We talk about food, what's on t.
V.
We make fun of strangers, and damn it, it works! She works.
You know what? That's it.
I'm not reading anymore.
There you go.
Ok, so is this-- is this over? It's over.
[Sighs.]
Thank God.
Now we can get back to talking like normal people again.
[Groaning.]
Welcome back, [drawling.]
Fornication.
Hey, man.
Hi.
Perfect timing.
The game just started, and I got a pizza on the way.
Right, right.
You ok, man? Yeah, I'm fine.
Fine.
[Sighs.]
The thing is I read this article today.
(Deacon)