Everybody Hates Chris s03e17 Episode Script

( Inner Circle's "Bad Boys" playing ) ~ Bad boys, what you want ~ CHRIS: Typically, in the barber shop, I heard good news.
Did you hear? They renewed The Jeffersons for another season.
I love me some Weezie, boy.
Whoo.
Did you hear the Voyager 2 space probe had its first encounter with Uranus? But on this day, I got the worst news I could imagine.
Did y'all hear? Malvo is out of prison.
Malvo was the career criminal that I had helped put away.
But like the Terminator, everybody knew he'd be back, and they were ready.
Shoot, I put extra locks on my doors.
I put two locks on my bike.
I locked up my locks.
I ain't scared of Malvo.
This is called "barber shop courage.
" MAN: Hey, Chris.
Chris, Malvo's looking for you.
Say what? ~ What you gonna do When they come for you? ~ ~ Bad boys, bad boys ~ ~ What you gonna do? What you gonna do ~ Somebody help.
( grunts ) CHRIS: Let me in! Please.
( sobbing ) Malvo.
Where you been? Jail.
Yep, that's where you were.
Yeah, well, now I'm out.
And I need you to help me.
I could only imagine what he wanted help with.
( gunshots ) Drive, boy! Drive! ( tires squeal ) Help with what? Look you the smartest person I know.
Sad but true.
So I need you to help me to get into high school.
Why you wanna break into school? There's nothing worth stealing.
I know.
I made that mistake before.
He was sentenced to stealing a book about sentences.
I don't wanna break in to high school, I wanna get into high school.
That'll be the first step to turning my life around.
What do you want from me? I want you to tutor me.
Why don't you just take the GED? I don't want no GED.
I want the complete experience.
I wanna sit at the desk.
I wanna smell the textbooks and the chalk, and I wanna be with the other kids, frolicking.
Sounds like Michael Jackson's diary.
I-- I don't mean to make you mad or anything but-- Hypothetically speaking, what would happen if I said no? Nothing.
I'm trying to change.
It's not like I'll beat you up or stab you or anything.
That's how Ike proposed to Tina.
Oh.
Well, then, in that case my answer would have to be no.
Run.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ The men in my family love baseball, and even though we lived in New York, my dad's favorite team was the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Hey, son, what you listening to? The Mets.
They're my new favorite baseball team.
No! What did you say? They're, like, the best team in the league.
They're probably gonna win the World Series.
What about the Dodgers? What about 'em? They hired Jackie Robinson.
So? Don't you realize that without the Dodgers, there'd be no black people in baseball? The Dodgers are from Brooklyn.
The Dodgers have famous hot dogs.
The Dodgers have better logos.
The Dodgers marched with Dr.
King.
I don't care.
I still like the Mets.
I guess you can buy your own food and clothing.
Mature.
Wait, Dad, don't be like that.
I mean, just admit it.
The Mets are a better team than the Dodgers.
My father believed in the Dodgers so much, he did the unthinkable.
You want to put some money on it? A bet? Yeah.
The Dodgers are in town this weekend against the Mets, for three games.
We'll see who's the better team.
How much? A dollar.
Okay, you're on.
Take this in the house.
( man speaking indistinctly over radio ) Back at the barber shop, everybody wanted to know how I was still alive.
And you said no? Yeah.
Ain't nobody scared of Malvo.
Except you.
Uh.
I would have never said no.
Mm.
Mm, what? What do you mean? Well, the man was asking for your help, and you turned him down.
Sometimes people need a hand.
Now, back when I had my troubles, if it wasn't for Supercuts Johnson, I don't know where I'd be today.
Supercut Johnson? Who's that? Any relation to Jheri curl Johnson? He was a barber when I was doing time in prison.
He used to cut hair on death row.
Why would you want to get your hair cut when you're on death row? You was in the joint? Oh, yeah.
Man, what did you do? You know that tag on the mattress that says "Do not pull off"? I pulled that thing off.
Do not pull that tag off, man.
They are not playing with y'all.
So Supercuts Johnson taught you how to cut hair? Not only that, he taught me that everybody deserves a second chance.
Huh.
Well, where is he now? MANNY: Oh, he's dead.
He got the chair.
But he looked good.
So do you think Malvo deserves a second chance? Look, your life is on the line, man.
Do you think he needs a second chance? Think about it.
Latrinda, those are some nice earrings.
My mom would never let me wear those.
My mama don't know.
These are hers.
I wear her stuff all the time.
Can I try 'em on? Yeah.
[~.]
Hey, ladies.
What are y'all up to? Nothing.
Thank you so much for letting me come over and play with Tonya.
ROCHELLE: On, no problem, Latrinda.
I'm happy she finally has somebody nice to play with.
You guys come on downstairs.
I'm making some snacks.
If I helped Malvo, maybe someday he would help someone else.
Or at least kill one less person.
Can't you see I'm trying to better myself? Malvo.
What? I decided to help you.
I ain't gonna be needing you after all, Four Eyes.
Get out of here.
I thought you said you weren't gonna beat anybody up.
I wasn't beating him up, I was threatening him.
He'd gone from a felony to a misdemeanor.
That was progress.
All right.
Well, let's get started.
Okay.
Ow.
When I told my parents about Malvo, they insisted on talking to him, but they were prepared for anything.
I made you all a bean pie.
Oh.
Thank you.
No.
Thank you.
Thank you all for having me over.
No problem.
I-It was our pleasure.
So, I understand you want our son to help you get into high school.
Yes, sir.
Well, you do realize it's not a school to get high? Yes, ma'am.
I figure if I'm gonna turn my life around, it starts with education.
That's nice.
Education is good.
So what do you plan on doing with this education? Well, short-term, I was thinking about becoming a male nurse.
ROCHELLE: Male nurse.
That's good.
You know, not many of those.
( laughs ) That way, he can care for you after he beats the hell out of you.
Long-term, I was thinking about becoming an astronaut.
Ooh.
That's way up there.
( imitates rocket ) ( both laughing ) Sky's the limit.
He wanted to be the first man to steal things in space.
You know, Malvo, we-- We really appreciate what you're trying to do.
JULIUS: Yeah, but, um, we kind of don't like the idea of our son hanging out with a-- Ex-con.
Ex-con, yeah.
I understand, sir.
But all I want is a second chance.
I mean, if I can turn my life around and become a guy like you, the world will see me differently.
No, they won't.
Congratulations.
( both laugh nervously ) Good luck.
Yeah.
Good luck.
Good luck.
So, uh, Malvo, do you have all your records? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Those were lost in a school fire.
I don't know why he's doing quotes.
He actually set the school on fire.
Well, you know, I-- I work for the Department of Records.
Maybe I could help you find, you know, some copies of yours.
That would be great.
I'd be most gracious.
"Most gracious.
" Good word.
Come on, man.
( knocking on door ) Malvo was trying to do right, but wrong was knocking at our door.
Can I help you? Yeah, you Tonya's mother? Yes, I am.
Who are you? I'm Alyson.
I'm Latrinda's mother.
I'm here to talk to you about what your daughter did.
Well, what did my daughter do? Well, she talked my little Latrinda into going to see an R-rated movie and I don't appreciate it.
I don't appreciate that outfit.
Well, that does not sound like my Tonya, but I promise you I'll get down to the bottom of it.
Yeah, you do that.
I miss Salt-N-Pepa.
What happened at the movies? What do you mean? Latrinda's mother just came here and told me you dragged her to an R-rated movie.
No, that's not what happened.
Latrinda's mother was supposed to come with us to see Police Academy 3, but she just dropped us off, so Latrinda wanted to sneak in to some movie called Kiss of the Spider Woman, and they had all nasty killing and stuff in there, and I didn't wanna see it, so I left.
Mm-hm.
I was used to seeing Malvo getting booked, not reading one.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Malvo.
Where you going? Down to Greenwich Village to play Scrabble in the park.
What have you got there, an abacus? No.
Well, it's obviously not an abalone.
What are you talking about? I'm just practicing my new words.
Oh, well, listen, man, my mom pulled up your records.
There's no way you can get into high school.
Why not? You never graduated junior high school.
Now I feel abysmal.
Nothing sadder than a depressed gangster.
Since I didn't know how to get Malvo past the eigth grade, I decided to ask a professional.
Chris, this is wonderful.
You're like a one-man Operation PUSH.
Thank you.
And Malvo, with the proper education, you could do so many things.
You could be a garbage collector, garbage truck driver, garbage truck dispatcher.
The list is endless.
So what do you think we should do next? I've got an idea.
Why don't you sit in, which your people have historically been good at, and audit my class? "Audit" means to attend classes or lectures as an auditor.
Auditor means hearer or listener.
Yes.
So how would that help him? Well, if he's preparing for an equivalency test, he needs classroom experience.
It'll help him get acclimated.
Acclimated: "To accustom or to become accustomed to a new climate or an environment.
" ( laughs ) Thank you, Ms.
Morello.
Yes, thank you.
Chris, I think this is a great way for you to get your father off the streets.
And in her bed.
Back home, my father was realizing that these weren't Jackie Robinson's Dodgers.
( man speaking over radio ) Yes! Ha.
The Mets win again.
Looks like you owe me a dollar.
My father was a strong man, but right then, that dollar weighed a ton.
Double or nothing? You want to let it ride? Let it ride.
Malvo was a big hit in school.
Now, when you're on the yard, it's all about attitude.
If you don't think you're tough, somebody might shank you, so you think you're tough? Yeah, yeah, I think I'm tough.
And I'm ready for recess.
Yeah, bring it on! Nice rag, Bobby Joe.
At least he didn't shank you.
( chatter ) ( laughing ) That was sweet.
You gonna do it like that? ( children screaming ) Huh? I'll kill.
Who can name the five characteristics of an ecosystem? I see one hand.
Class? Anybody else? Your mama's so fat she left a ring around the lake.
And your mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, cars slow down.
And your mama's so black that she uses Armor All instead of lotion.
You talkin' about my mama? No.
No, that's a good joke, man.
( all laugh ) Chris, Malvo, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
What is it? Malvo, there was a background check done on you, and it was discovered you were just released from prison.
And although I find this dance with danger exciting and titillating, other people are scared out of their minds, and they want you out.
What other people? Let's just say the higher authorities.
Let's just say the white people.
Now how am I supposed to get into high school? This is like if BET made an after school special.
Now I was on my own trying to get Malvo through this process, but Malvo was making progress.
What year was the Magna Carta signed? You got another one right.
Yeah.
Hey.
I was just wondering how studying was coming along.
MALVO: Good.
Yeah, Malvo's doing great.
Okay, just checking on you.
Go back to studying.
Okay, um, the Battle of Hastings? You, sir, are smarter than a ninth-grader.
And you're only 32.
( laughs ) And now another installment of Parenting for Dummies.
Where's my daughter? At R-Kelly's house.
Now, how would I know? Well, I called Latrinda from work.
She says Tonya's coming over.
I get to the house, nobody's there, so, obviously, Tonya dragged her off to God knows where.
So you're telling me that Latrinda's gone off someplace and you think Tonya has something to do with it? Uh, yeah.
Tonya? Yes, Mama? Do you have any idea where Latrinda is? No.
Don't lie to me.
She's at Black Paul's house.
ROCHELLE: Black Paul? Black Paul.
Oh, Lordy, not Black Paul.
She asked me to go with her and I said I couldn't come.
Does this answer your question? Yeah, thank you.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Does, um-- Does Tonya know where, exactly, Black Paul lives? Next door to Brown Willy's house.
You and I need to talk.
Yeah.
I'll be back.
ANNOUNCER ( over radio ): And here's the pitch.
Strike three called! And that's the ball game as the Mets win again against the Dodgers! Yes.
I win again.
Ha.
And that's two in a row-- Double or nothing.
Double or nothing? On two dollars? That's right.
Double or nothing.
Got yourself a bet.
ANNOUNCER: Five runs batted in.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[~.]
You know, she knows I don't like her hanging out with Paul.
I mean, that girl acts like she can do whatever she wanna do.
Well, maybe she's not acting.
What? You know, I think you're setting a bad example for her.
Maybe you need to grow up.
What are you talking about? I mean, look at yourself, Alyson.
You running around here looking like Salt-N-Pepa, while your daughter's running the streets and we out looking for Mr.
Goodbar.
Look, you don't know me, okay? You don't know nothing about me.
You know what? You right.
Maybe I'm the one who's crazy.
I need to be more like you, you know? Gritty.
Living on the edge.
You know? Crazy, sexy, cool.
Funky, fresh.
You know what? To hell with these nappy-headed kids, girl.
Let's go out and-- And spray paint a wall.
Let's buy a knife and trade it for a gun.
Matter of fact, let's sell some blood, girl.
What you, A-positive or O? You know what? Maybe we should get pregnant again.
Let's have another-- Or maybe you should just mind your own business.
It was do or die for Malvo.
Either he was gonna pass his test or the world would have one less astronaut.
TEACHER: The answers are all multiple choice.
So make sure you fill in all circles completely.
Keep your eyes on your own paper.
If you cheat, you leave.
( mouthing words ) Well? I scored in the 70 percentile.
I passed.
Congratulations.
Thanks, Chris, man, I couldn't have did it without you.
When nobody else believed in me, you did.
You the wind beneath my wings.
And he was the convict beneath my nightmares.
Despite the awkwardness of this moment, I was really happy I helped Malvo.
Things were looking good for Malvo, but bad for my father.
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ): The Mets win again, completing the three-game sweep of the Dodgers.
And the Dodger-- It's a sad day, isn't it? I mean, it's got to be hard when you realize that your team is second best.
I mean, the team you loved your whole life since you were a little boy.
Here's your $4.
Don't talk to me.
Ow.
Hey.
Um, I-- I just came by to apologize.
Really? Yeah, Latrinda went and got herself in more trouble.
You know, she said if it was okay for me to act this way, then why wasn't it okay for her? That's a good question.
Well, what did you tell her? I just told her-- I said, "I'm your mother and if you don't straighten up, "then I'm gonna knock the medulla out of your oblongata.
" That's what I'm talking about.
Good for you, girl.
Yeah.
So, um-- Anyway, I just-- I just wanted to say thank you for talking to me the way that you did.
It-- It really helped.
Any time.
And you know, who knows? Maybe sometimes Latrinda can come over again and play-- Take care, girl.
So you enjoying my $4? Oh, that's long gone.
Boy, what can you blow $4 on that fast? Actually, it was five, but I figured you were worth it.
For the number one fan of the number two team in baseball.
Thanks.
This tender moment should not be diminished, but later that day my father returned that hat, got his $5 back and ended up a dollar up on the deal.
( Run DMC's "Hard Times" playing ) Hey, Malvo, how's it going? Pretty good, pretty good.
I made a decision and I wanted to tell you about it first.
About high school? Yeah.
I'm not going.
What? What are you talking about? Getting into high school is harder than getting into jail.
You got to obey all these rules, you got to fill out forms, you got to stand in line to get licenses for things.
What was all this about then? Why'd you put me through all this? Well, I thought my life would be better if I wasn't in trouble, and it is better, but I'm bored, Chris.
I mean, when we were studying and working on stuff together, it was exciting.
But to tell you the truth, Chris, I'm okay at being right, but I'm an expert at being wrong.
Malvo, you can't do this to me, man.
I mean, what about all my hard work? Yeah, I appreciate that.
That's why I'm not robbing you anymore.
Thanks.
I'm robbing the store.
Now, give me all the money.
~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )