Frasier s03e17 Episode Script

Well, it's uh 2:07, here on the Dr.
Frasier Crane Show.
As I said, I'm Roz Doyle, Frasier's producer, filling in for the temporarily detained Dr.
Crane.
It's cloudy and 62 degrees outside coming up on 2:08 right there.
Well, let's take a call.
Hello, Lydia.
What seems to be the problem? I already told you.
Yeah, that was when I was the call screener, now I'm the host.
So, tell me your problem, and take your time.
Well, it started about two weeks ago.
I got this terrible obscene phone call.
It's happened several times since then and now it's to the point where I'm afraid to answer my own phone.
Well, obscene phone calls can be very disturbing.
But luckily, Dr.
Frasier Crane has just arrived and I'm sure he knows exactly what soothing things to say.
Maybe now would be a good time to take a break.
We'll be right back after this.
What the hell was that all about?! Oh, never mind that, where were you? Oh, god.
Somebody'd parked in my space again.
I had to park six blocks from here and sprint the whole way.
By the end, my tweed pants were throwing off so many sparks I almost caught myself on fire! I tell you what - the minute we go to a news break I'm going to rush down there and put this withering note on his windshield.
Dear discourteous driver? Whoa! I think you've said enough right there! Come on, Frasier.
This isn't gonna do any good! You want to make an impression on him? Get tough.
You go right down there and let the air out of his tires.
Oh, I wouldn't do something like that.
Why? It's just inconveniencing him like he inconvenienced you.
Roz, listen, the world has become uncivilized enough without me stooping to that level.
Of course I was sorely tempted last night.
I went to the movies to see "How Green Was My Valley.
" Lady Luck seated me in front of two elderly women who said with the arrival of each new actor, "My God, doesn't he look young; he's dead, you know.
" Finally I had to just walk out.
Oh, you're on in five seconds.
And Brenda is on line one.
Hello, Seattle.
We're back, and I would like to start by apologizing for being tardy.
Nothing quite so inconsiderate as making someone wait.
Now without further ado let's get to Brenda.
Hello, Brenda.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
I'm having a problem with my sister.
She's always Oh, wait a second.
That's my other line.
Something tells me I'm going to be siding with Brenda's sister.
You're welcome! Excuse me, I was wondering if you could direct me to Friendly Video.
Yeah, I think we got that one.
Hang on a second, I'll check.
Don't you hate that? You come all the way down here yourself to the store, wait patiently, and somebody who calls in from home gets preferential treatment.
I can help the next person in line.
Hey, do we have "The Invisible Man?" Right here! Thanks.
Yeah, we got it.
Excuse me.
I was looking for Don't even think about it! I'm looking for "How Green Was My Valley.
" Huh? It is a beautifully acted depiction of life in a small town in Wales.
It won five Academy Awards! It's a classic! Oh.
Well, uh, this is a shot in the dark, but you might try looking in the Classics section.
Uh you're taking "How Green Was My Valley?" I heard it was great.
Yes, but you heard it from me! You were standing next to me in the line! Excuse me, is there another copy? Oh yeah, that would be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex.
Hey Daphne.
Come on, you're just in time.
It's starting.
I don't get this show.
People send in videos of themselves having the most embarrassing and painful accidents.
They add cartoon noises and music and everyone laughs themselves silly.
Boy, I bet that hurt! Well, what's wrong with you? Frankly, I have had it with the whole boorish, ill-mannered world.
Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight? I went to three video stores to get this tape.
I'm just dying to see it.
Sure, go ahead.
How many times can you watch a dog get hit with a swinging door? Depends upon the dog.
What the hell is that?! The windows are rattling, the walls are shaking, and I am talking to no one!! Well, I see our neighbor's at it again.
Not for long! I'm gonna take a nap.
Frasier: Dad, you can't possibly expect to sleep in this racket.
Are you kidding? I've slept through worse than this.
In Korea I dropped off in a foxhole right outside P'Anmunjom.
By the time I woke up the cease-fire was over and I was the only one who didn't know about it.
Talk about having egg on your face.
Yes.
Yes, would you please connect me with the young man who's just moved into the penthouse upstairs.
No, I don't know his name! He's in the penthouse! He has shaggy hair, tattoos all over him, his body is pierced.
Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this but he's in the penthouse! Never mind.
Has the world completely lost the concept of common courtesy? Am I the only one who is resisting this tide?! People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?! [ That's his own music he's listening to, you know.
His name is Freddie Chainsaw.
Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse? His last album sold five million copies.
Oh.
Well, then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
You know, personally, I like it.
But then, we Brits have always been on the cutting edge.
You should have heard the punk rockers who rented the flat below me a few years back.
They'd play the same song over and over again Flesh is burning nana nana nana.
Flesh is burning nana nana nana.
Oh no.
I'm gonna have that tune in me head all day now.
Yes, well, thank you for that, Daphne.
But I've been waiting all day to watch my movie.
Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?! Hello.
Yes.
Please, I insist on being connected with the young man in the penthouse.
Yes, hello, Mr.
Chainsaw? Yes, how do you do? I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
I am your neighbor; I live right below you.
Yes, do you have any idea how loud your music is? Oh.
You do? Well thank you.
I'm going out! What? I'm going out! What? I AM GOING OUT! Hey, Frasier, will you keep it down out there.
I'm trying to take a nap! Smell me, Niles.
Grandpa! Exactly! On my way down in the elevator today a woman thinks nothing of lighting up a cigarette.
Has the world gone mad? I know exactly how you feel.
This morning I discovered a ding in the door of my car.
Let me guess - no note on the windshield? No.
And even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left.
They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a Hunchback.
No.
I think that would be a Hatchback, Niles.
It's painted panic-button red, with a large rear window that pops open.
Oh, that would be the Hatchback.
Well, there's a novel idea: name the car after its most hideous feature.
I presume it was a toss-up between "Hatchback" and "What's that odor coming from the floor?" Oh, look, Niles - free table! Go, go, go, go! Oh, the biscotti! Leave it! Oh, no - go on without me! Oh, there! Oh! Oh, check on table one! All right, fine.
Oh, we're not hovering, believe me.
It's just that there well, there's really no place else to stand.
Oh, just take your time, please.
There's no rush.
Is the owner of a red Hatchback here? It's about to be towed.
Niles, isn't that your car? Shh! Someone will hear you! Niles, it's about to be towed! I'm not owning up to that car.
I don't care if it's careening toward a baby carriage! Oh.
Oh, thank you so much.
Take care, have a lovely day.
Excuse me, but we were waiting for this table.
So get another one.
Well, there aren't any.
Look, you knew that we were waiting for it.
We politely stood back and let those people leave and then you just jumped right in here! Well, you won't make that mistake again.
Frasier, Frasier forget it.
We'll just we'll wait for another table.
No, we won't! This isn't about the table anymore! This is about the erosion of common decency.
Sir, when you treat me this way you encourage me to be discourteous to another.
And so on and so on.
You don't have any manners, do you? Then perhaps what you need is an etiquette lesson!! SIT DOWN, NILES! My brother will have a decaf.
Flesh is burning, nana nana nana Nana nana nana flesh is burning nana nana nana Oh, hi, Fras.
How you feeling? Fine.
I didn't ask you yesterday how your day went.
What did Niles tell you? Nothing! Geez, can't I ask you how your day went? How was work? How's your bad-ass self? Dammit! Niles blabbed! No, he didn't.
You made the people of Seattle column.
Right here, under "The Crane Mutiny.
" "Three cheers for Dr.
Frasier Crane, who struck a blow against rudeness yesterday in a coffeehouse melee.
" Perfect! Now all of Seattle knows about my loutish behavior! What are you talking about? This guy had it coming.
I can just picture it.
He probably looked at you and he thought, "This guy's a creampuff, you know.
A wuss a wimp a cupcake" Dad! I'm sorry, I'm just so proud of you! Ah, there he is, the man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.
Niles, I think you're just jealous.
Jealous? Don't be ridiculous! This is my favorite part.
"With one swift move the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring, 'What you need is an etiquette lesson.
'" I love that! You got your own tough-guy catchphrase! It's perfect for you, Frasier.
Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.
Come on.
Show me how you grabbed him.
Use Niles.
No, no Dad.
I will not toss Niles about the room.
Oh no, go ahead.
Rough me up, Mr.
Big Hero Bully Bouncer! Did that sound jealous? A tad.
Well, all right, I'm jealous.
Why shouldn't I be? All my life I've backed out of fights and watching you leap into the fray like that, I it made me think just once I'd like to experience what you felt - go nose to nose.
Oh, your day will come, son.
I don't know.
I tried it this morning with my dry cleaner, Mr.
Kim.
I decided to give him a good tongue-lashing because he'd shattered the mother-of-pearl buttons on my best waistcoat.
Unfortunately, due to his tenuous grasp of English and the fact that his mother's name is Pearl I was forced to flee his establishment amid a shower of coat hangers.
Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
And to you, Dr.
Crane, our very own knight in shining armor Oh, great.
I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me.
For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess.
This morning, I decided to get my revenge.
So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.
Bravo, Daphne.
Good for you.
God, I wish I'd been there.
Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit? Absolutely not.
Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them.
Fras, why do you keep backing away from this? I mean, you should be proud of yourself.
We all think you did the right thing.
The newspaper does too.
That's right.
And I'm going to fix you a proper hero's breakfast.
No.
No, no Daphne.
Please, really.
It's not necessary.
Thank you all.
It's just that this isn't sitting well with me.
I find it hard to believe any good can come of violence.
That's it again! Mr.
Chainsaw.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane Go ahead, Daphne.
Make my eggs.
You know, I do wish people would stop making such a fuss.
They will, if you quit walking up and down the hall.
You're on in five seconds.
Oh yes, all right.
Hello, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Who's on the line, Roz? We have Mitch on line three.
He's having trouble with his neighbors.
Hello, Mitch.
Make that had trouble.
This idiot next door had his leaf-blower going at 7:00am, again.
Oh, that's very inconsiderate.
I'll say.
That's why I decided to give him an "etiquette lesson.
" I grabbed that leaf-blower and smashed it against atree.
Mitch, I must say I'm stunned.
I can't imagine amore extreme response to such a minor infraction.
so I snuck into his backyard and shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner! Come on summer! hey, he asked for it.
So I put Look, I'm sorry, but no matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE!! But she doesn't curb her dogs! Oh You don't take any guff.
Why should I? Rochelle all of you look, don't you realize that your behavior is just a bit extreme?! I displayed a minor bit of force in order to just make a point.
I didn't go around smashing windows or torching lawns! Where does it end? Are you saying that what I did was wrong? Of course I am! But what you did was okay? No, no! I come to think of it, what I did was just as wrong.
I mean, who am I to draw the line at the acceptable level of force? Because the next person moves a little farther, and the next person, a little farther still until we finally end up with scorpions flying through the mail like Christmas bundt cakes! What we must all agree to do is to resolve our differences with discussion and reason.
As a matter of fact, I'm going to call the gentleman that I manhandled and and apologize to him for not having worked out our dispute in the right way in the first place-through words.
The key here is restraint.
And I do hopeyou'll follow my lead Becky with the nail gun.
Oh people.
People, please.
There's no need for that.
I'm no hero.
No one's ever given me the thumbs up.
Well, Niles, I've driven on the freeway with you.
The rest of the hand has been well-represented.
Oh, look, there he is.
Mr.
Harvey, I'm so glad you could come.
You remember my brother, Niles, and uh we're at "our" table.
Look, I'm here, so say what's on your mind.
Well, there's no need for any hostility.
I just came to talk.
Talk? You're not gonna take another shot at me? No! No, they'll be nothing like that here today! Now, listen, I could try to explain my behavior by saying that these are stressful times we live in, that I had reached the end of my tether.
But I won't do that, because you see, I was 100% wrong.
I had absolutely no right to touch you and I accept full responsibility.
Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
And I hope you all heard that too.
So, then you accept my apology? No, I'm suing you.
And I've got a lot of witnesses that just heard you admit you were wrong.
But, but these are stressful times we live in and I'd reached the end of my tether! Tough! I'm nailing you for assault! But I hardly touched you! Oh, Frasier, I'm not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers.
What other behavior would you expect from a chicken? What did you say? I was speaking to my brother.
But, to put it in language you can understand bawk bawk bawk bawk! Niles! This is no time for you to assert yourself! Hey, your brother's making trouble here Oh, oh, oh what are you gonna do? Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings? Niles, stop it! Please excuse him! Oh, for god's sake, Frasier don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy! You look here, buddy Niles!! Niles are you all right?! Counter suit! Oh, my god!! Nobody move him! I barely touched him! Then you admit you touched him! He admits it! Oh, Niles.
Niles, I'm here for you.
I promise we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY! My god, Niles, that was brilliant.
You even got a tear in your eye! I landed on a fork.