Home Improvement s03e17 Episode Script

If you're like me, you've spent time on the floor after an accident waiting for the paramedics to arrive.
It's times like these a lot of thoughts roll through your head.
"I wonder if the bleeding will stop.
" "I had no idea electricity could lift me off the ground that high.
" Or, "From this angle, that smooth ceiling could use a little texture.
" And how would we do that, Al? Well, Tim, with Binford's 6100 acoustic spraying system.
That's right.
With the 6100 system, even the most inexperienced, unskilled homeowner can do this simple job.
And who better to demonstrate than you, Tim? For this job, Al and I suggest Binford's Acoustical Texture Spray.
That's right.
It comes in these ready-to-mix bags.
All you do is add water.
Or, for a creamier texture, go with the buttermilk.
Obviously you want to follow the instructions precisely, because too much water, and your mixture will not adhere to your ceiling.
Tim, I've already mixed that.
Yeah Just needs a bit more water, Al.
I used a measuring cup.
We're not doing laundry, fella.
I use a measuring system that never fails me - my eye.
My eye.
Once you've mixed the compound, it's ready to load in the hopper.
Give me a hand, Dennis.
Perfecto.
All right.
When you get going, what you do is use short even strokes, keeping the gun about 2 feet from your ceiling.
(muffled) All right.
And you doubted me.
I stand corrected.
I would be proud to have a ceiling like this in my living room.
Who let those pigeons in here? What do you think? Should we put the kids in the middle? No, Ashley, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa.
I just gave her a taste of my Jell-O.
It's not like we both chewed the same piece of gum.
Ashley, come on.
Hold on.
Randy, I'm on the phone.
Get out.
You get out.
It's my room, too.
I was here first.
Look, I'm just getting my books.
I'm listening.
I swear, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa.
(high voice) Oh, Brad, get off the phone and kiss me.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
No, that's not Melissa.
It's my stupid brother.
Listen, Ashley, there's nothing going on between us.
Uh-huh.
Hold me, my hunka hunka burning love.
Ashley, I'll see you at school.
All right.
Bye.
You're a hunka dead meat! I'm gonna kill you! But I thought you loved me.
Stop, stop, stop! Guys, stop it.
What's going on? He keeps bugging me when I'm on the phone.
(normal voice) He's on the phone Don't use the phone so much.
I can't help it if I'm so popular.
(high voice) Well, I guess that's why all us girls love you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Bradley, Bradley! Come here.
Come here.
What? Take your coat, take your bag, and you go out that way.
(door slams) Well, this is what we're leaving the world.
Face it, honey.
You raised two very obnoxious little boys.
What is going on with them? They've really been going at it these last couple of weeks.
You're right.
Black eye, bloody nose, stitches, loose tooth.
Well, we gotta do something before they kill each other.
Tonight, after they're asleep, you and me, Puerto Rico.
Tim, this is serious.
We've got to find out what's wrong with them.
All right.
Then we go to Puerto Rico.
If we wanna solve this problem, there's only one thing to do - separate bedrooms.
We don't have any more bedrooms.
And, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're not building any more.
Honey, we've talked about this before.
Move Brad into Mark's room, and then Mark into Randy's room.
No.
No.
OK, Brad is older.
He probably should have his own room.
But we can't make a decision like that without discussing it with all the boys.
Why discuss it? The reason we became parents is so we could tell kids what to do.
If we can't do that, we're just the tallest people living here.
You sound like my father.
All right.
Today, we're gonna show you how to soundproof as well as insulate the walls.
Now, there's a variety of products you can use, of course.
Acoustic padding, fiberglass batting, or very unattractive flannel.
The easiest way to install your insulation is during construction, before you've put up your dry wall.
However, if the dry wall's already been installed in your home, we suggest the foam injection method.
Heidi, the foam injector, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
For this method, you're gonna have to drill some holes.
But first you wanna find a stud.
I said "stud," not "dud.
" (drills) It's already compressed air in there.
To make it work, stick your nozzle in, and you start insulating.
Mm-hmm.
It should dry in about ten minutes.
That's right, Al.
To show some of the advantage of soundproofing, the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room.
Heidi, my room, please.
Now, this room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally soundproof.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
Watch this, Al.
Can't hear a word.
It's so good.
Watch.
Talking like this.
You walk in.
Hi, everybody.
My name's Tim "The Tool" (silence) Aah! (audience cheering) That is truly amazing.
We did not hear a sound.
No.
That's how it was designed.
You gotta try it.
Let yourself go.
It's great.
Yeah.
Tim, can you hear me? (mouths) You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show.
And another thing.
That's a stupid haircut you have.
And another thing I am a very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal and mineral I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical Al.
Yes? Al.
Yes? (audience laughing) Can you hear me? I can hear you.
(audience laughing) Think about that.
Major General Borland! Come on, Brad.
Let me in.
No! You're gonna be out there for the rest of your life.
Well, there's no lock.
You're gonna have to stand next to the door for the rest of your life.
Maybe I will.
Good plan, genius.
I got a better plan.
Open this door right now, Brad.
Come on.
Why are you keeping him out of the room? He keeps bugging me.
You're full of it.
You're the one who's full of it.
Stop, stop, stop, stop! Sit down.
Both of you, sit.
Your mom wants to know what's going on between you two.
She's not here, so it's up to me.
Randy, what's the matter with Brad? I hate him.
You don't hate him.
Turn around and talk to me.
What's the problem with Brad? I hate him a lot.
Not as much as I hate him.
He won't let me into my own room.
I can't even do my homework.
It's not just your room.
You think you own it.
Well, he doesn't own it.
I own it.
Actually, the bank kind of really owns it Guys, you gotta figure out a way to work this out by yourselves, all right? Randy shouldn't even have a room.
He should be at the bottom of Lake Erie with the other shrimp.
Brad! Yeah, and you'd fit right in on Mars, where there's no sign of intelligent life.
First of all they've never confirmed that.
And second of all, I want you guys to shake hands and make up.
Big brother, help little brother out.
Come on.
Did you hear what I said? Shake hands, right this minute.
Come on, hop to it.
All right.
Good men.
Quit squeezing! You're the one who's squeezing.
Come on, let go.
You let go.
Both let go.
Let him go.
Let All right, let go! All right, down here.
Tried it your mom's way, that didn't work.
Now it's my way.
I'm splitting you guys up.
What? I'm moving him into Mark's room, and Mark's in with you.
Wait a second! This is totally unfair.
Why should Brad get his own room? Because he's the oldest and because I say so, all right? I have to go with Dad on this one.
Don't push it.
This is totally unfair.
Well, life is totally unfair.
When I was your age, I wanted my own room, and I didn't get it.
Come to think of it, I still don't have my own room.
Got a box.
Dad, I don't wanna move in with Randy.
Oh Mark, it may seem like a bad idea now, but a lot of times bad things turn into good things.
What could be good about sharing a room with Randy? I've been thinking about it.
Maybe you and Randy will get to know each other better.
When I was your age, I moved in with Steve.
You know Uncle Steve and I don't get along.
When we moved in together, we got real close.
After that, he didn't beat me up so much.
Really? Yeah.
I guess that could be a good thing.
Yeah.
And maybe you and Randy can gang up against Brad.
Yeah.
All right.
Thanks, Dad.
You bet.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
What are you doing with that box? Dad's making me move.
What? To Randy's room.
Now I get to beat up on Brad.
Tim! Was that you, honey? I could hardly hear you.
They had a whole bunch of chamois on sale.
How could you? You said always look for bargains.
I mean about switching the boys' rooms.
Oh.
I tried it your way.
It didn't work.
My way was that we told them.
Was I not clear? We, we, we.
It can be taken so many ways.
To you, it meant "us.
" To the French, it means "yes.
" To this little piggy, it meant, "I'm going all the way home.
" I can't believe you made a decision like this without me.
If you'd been in the room arguing with them, you'd have made the same decision.
No, I would have discussed it with the boys, waited for you to come home, and we could have discussed it as a family.
And after all the discussion, the boys would have been, what, 90? Great.
Make jokes.
OK.
A crocodile and a giraffe Tim Honey, I don't need endless discussions to make a decision.
Men assess a situation, boom - done.
Are you saying that men are more decisive than women? Oh, it's a fact.
Come on.
We don't shop for three hours for shoes and handbags.
The first pair of shoes I see that fit, I buy 'em.
Even if they're sling-back heels? If they fit.
You see? Just because men make hasty decisions doesn't mean that they're the right ones.
Men aren't yammerers.
Is that what you think? You think that I yammer? Jill, you're a yammer-er.
Well, you're a yack-ass! (camera shutter clicking) Evening, Wilson.
Heavenly-ho, good neighbor.
What are you doing? Tim, I am shooting the moon.
Aren't you supposed to have your pants down for that? No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
I'm taking time-lapse photographs.
I'm tracking the path of the blue moon.
I'm taking some very spectacular shots.
That's funny.
Jill just took some spectacular shots at me.
Something's out of orbit in the Taylor universe.
I suppose you could say that.
I made a big decision without asking her.
I wanted to stop the boys from fighting, so I put them in separate bedrooms.
Mm-mm-mm.
Well, that's a tough decision to make unilaterally.
Yeah.
Jill figured I should have made it double-laterally.
She used that word? No.
No, she doesn't have a big vocabulary like you and me.
I thought if I separated them, it would stop them from fighting.
Oh, I see.
Well, Tim, what were they fighting about? They're boys.
They fight about everything.
What does it matter? Well, Tim, what you're describing to me brings to mind the verruca vulgaris.
Uhh? Also known as the common wart.
You're calling my sons warts? Not that I mind No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim.
What I'm trying to say is, most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution.
See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.
So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't gonna cure this problem, huh? No.
No, Tim, the only way to get rid of a wart is to go beneath the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.
I see.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Wilson? Mm-hmm? This is bar none the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.
(chuckles) (knock on door) Hi.
Hi.
Where's Mark? I don't know.
Did you stuff him in one of these drawers? Not funny, huh? It's about as funny as what Dad did.
You think you could talk to him? Would you feel better if things went back to the way they were? I'd feel better if I had my own room.
Unfortunately, that's not gonna be an option.
So what are my options? Living with the dork or living with Brad who talks on the phone all day.
Honey, Brad is in junior high school now.
He's got a lot of new stuff happening.
He's meeting new friends, getting interested in girls Let me get this straight.
Brad gets new friends, girls and his own room and I get Mark? I'm sorry.
I know that this is hard for you.
I remember when my sister hit her teens.
She was doing all this interesting stuff that I wished I was doing.
Well, like what? Well, she got her own room.
She started wearing makeup, shaving her legs.
Can you imagine how I felt when she got to wear a bra and I was still wearing a dorky undershirt? Yeah, I can.
When do you think I'll get to wear a bra, Mom? OK.
OK, that's probably not the greatest example.
But what I mean is I got older, you know, and I got to have some of those same experiences.
I can't say the shaving the legs part was so great, but then my sister moved out.
Then you got your own room.
No, then Dad turned it into a study.
Great.
Don't worry.
With your father, you won't have that problem.
Yeah.
Dad's idea of a study is a toilet and three hot-rod magazines.
You know, Randy, there are some advantages to sharing a room with a younger kid.
Such as? You have always wanted to have the upper bunk.
You get to listen to more of your music, nobody can kick you out of your room.
Yeah but I can always kick Mark out.
I didn't say that.
Oh, who knows? Maybe one of these days I'll completely lose my mind and let your father build another room.
I don't think so, Mom.
Jill.
Jill We gotta talk.
No, it's not necessary.
I've been thinking about what you said, and I think women do need to be more decisive.
So I've decided that we should move my car into the garage and your hot rod out to the street and I should paint all your tools pink.
No, no.
I also decided that I'm not doing any more of your laundry.
OK, OK, OK, I get your point.
And I've decided that no matter what I do, those warts are going back to Bulgaria.
Why do I even try to talk to you? We've got to get beneath the oily surface to the root of the boys' problem.
I've already gotten to the root of the problem.
Randy feels Brad is leaving him behind.
What do you mean? Brad's growing up.
He doesn't want to spend time hanging around with his little brother anymore.
That's what this is about? Yeah.
It was bound to happen, I guess.
Yeah.
There was a time my brothers didn't want me tagging around with them.
Did it bum you out? Not really, 'cause I'd tag along anyway.
Bummed them out.
I bet.
They'd go to the drive-in with their girlfriends.
I'd sit in back and pop up when they were starting to make their move with a fright wig and (makes gurgling noise) (Randy) Get out of my room! (Mark) It's my room, too! Let me in! (banging on door) Get out of my room! (pretends to sob) I just made another decision.
Puerto Rico? It's nice this time of year.
Hi.
Hi.
Is it all right if I hang out in here? If you want.
I've gotta get away from Mom.
Why? Did she tell you the bra story? No.
She keeps bugging me about my new room.
You know, having your own room isn't as great as you think it is.
Why not? (sighs) Because Mom says it's a privilege and with privilege comes more responsibility.
Sounds bad.
No kidding.
I even have to do my own laundry.
Oh, man.
But it's not that bad.
See, I figured it out.
I'll only have to do it once a month if I turn my shirts inside out and, um, I wear my underwear three times.
Brad, do me a little favor.
When it gets to the end of the month, stay in your own room.
Hey.
Can you imagine how I felt when she got to wear a bra and I was still wearing a dorky undershirt? Yeah, I can.
(shouts) No!