King of the Hill s03e17 Episode Script

1 YEP.
YEP.
YEP.
WHAT'S WITH HANK? WHY, I THINK HE'S WORRIED ABOUT HIS MOM.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR MOM, HANK? HE'S WORRIED ABOUT HIS MOM.
( sighing ): SHE AND HER FRIENDS WERE SUPPOSED TO GET HERE TWO HOURS AGO.
WHY SHE HAD TO TAKE ON ALL THIS HIGHWAY DRIVING AT HER AGE JUST TO SEE A MUSEUM OF MINIATURES OH! THE ONE AT PORT ARANSAS? ( exasperated sigh ): YES.
WELL, MAYBE SHE STOPPED ON THE WAY TO MAKE HERSELF LOOK NICE.
THAT'S SOMETHING LADIES DO.
I WAS MARRIED TO ONE ONCE.
( sighs ) MY GOD, IT'S ALMOST 4:00.
WOULD IT CHEER YOU UP IF I STUFFED SOME FIG NEWTONS UP MY NOSE? AAH MOM, YOU MADE IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE STILL GOT FOUR HOURS OF DRIVING BEFORE YOU GET TO PORT ARANSAS.
I'M NOT SURE I OH, HONEY WE STOPPED AT THE PANCAKE HOUSE AND ONE THING JUST LED TO ANOTHER.
BLUEBERRY PANCAKES MEAN BLUEBERRIES IN THE PANCAKES NOT BUTTERMILK GRILL CAKES WITH BLUE SAUCE ON TOP.
THEY BROUGHT YOU NEW ONES.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
THIS IS LILLIAN.
SHE'S DELICATE.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU, LILLIAN.
OH! THAT WAS MUCH TOO SUDDEN.
YOU KNOW, MOM, THAT VAN OF YOURS IS A LOT TO HANDLE.
IN MANY WAYS, IT'S MORE OF A LIGHT TRUCK.
MAYBE THIS TRIP IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO TAKE ON.
YEP.
I THINK IT IS.
WELL, I HAVE TO DRIVE.
I'M THE YOUNGEST.
MAUREEN'S ONLY TEN YEARS OLDER BUT SHE LOST HER LICENSE.
IT WAS TOOK LAST MARCH.
DELIA GETS ANGRY.
THE DOCTOR CALLS IT "ROAD RAGE.
" OH, I'LL DRIVE.
IT'S ONLY BEEN 40 YEARS.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A BICYCLE? I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE, PEGGY.
I'VE GOT TO DRIVE THEM THE REST OF THE WAY.
HANK, IF YOU WANT TO GO VISIT A MINIATURE MUSEUM THEN JUST COME OUT AND SAY SO.
I WON'T TELL ANYONE.
I HATE MINIATURES.
I'VE HATED THEM SINCE I WAS A KID.
MOM ONLY TOOK THEM OUT WHEN SHE WAS HEADING INTO A FUNK-- LIKE, BETWEEN THE TIME I WAS TEN AND 14.
( Dale snickering ) ENJOY YOUR TRIP TO THE MINIATURE MUSEUM, HANK.
HOPE YOU CAN FIT INSIDE.
( laughing ) ( choking ) ( chuckling ): YEAH, MAN, YOU KNOW TALKIN' 'BOUT OL' PARTY VAN MAN, HANK GETS OUT LITTLE OL' LADY.
( speaking gibberish ): HAVE GOOD TIME WITH THEM LIL' OL' LADIES.
VERY FUNNY, GUYS.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNIER THAN A MAN HAVING TO TAKE CARE OF HIS MOTHER.
HO! THAT'S JUST HILARIOUS.
YOU THINK YOUR MOTHER WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY, DALE? NOT THE WAY YOU TELL IT.
YEP, THE WILDFLOWERS SURE ARE LOVELY THIS SPRING.
I ALWAYS SAY THERE'S NOTHING LIKE TEXAS WILDFLOWERS.
YOU THINK WE ARIZONANS DON'T HAVE FLOWERS? I NEVER SAID THAT.
TILLY, THAT BOY OF YOURS JUST CALLED ME A LIAR.
I DID NOT! HANK, JUST APOLOGIZE TO DELIA.
BUT I NEVER SAID DELIA GETS A LITTLE OUT OF SORTS WHEN HER BLOOD SUGAR FALLS LOW.
OTHERWISE, SHE'S LOVELY.
HERE'S A PIECE OF HARD CANDY, DEAR.
MMM.
( sucking noises ) UPTOWN GIRL YOU KNOW SHE'S LIVING IN HER UPTOWN WORLD Bill: AND WHEN SHE'S WALKING SHE'S LOOKING SO FI-I-INE BILL? YEAH.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE WORKING WITH YOUR HANDS, PEGGY.
YOU'RE A LADY.
( chuckling ): OH OH, BILL.
HERE, LET ME HELP.
IT MUST BE NICE HAVING A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE AGAIN, HUH, PEGGY? ACTUALLY, HANK HAS ONLY BEEN GONE AN HOUR AND A HALF.
I'LL TELL YOU, PEGGY I'D NEVER LEAVE YOU FOR AN HOUR AND HALF.
YOUR SHIRT IS VERY DIRTY.
( chuckles ): OH, THAT'S NOT DIRT.
THAT'S, THAT'S CHILI SAUCE AND SUCH.
( turns radio on ) WHAT'S THAT BOY DOING? I'M JUST GETTING A TRAFFIC REPORT.
RADIO MAKES LILLIAN CARSICK.
YOU CAN'T GET CARSICK FROM A RADIO.
CARSICK'S AN INNER-EAR THING.
TURN ON THE RADIO.
I'D PREFER NOT TO RISK IT.
I WAS A NURSE FOR 40 YEARS.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT CARSICK.
I'VE NEVER BEEN CARSICK IN MY LIFE.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? THE PROBLEM WITH YOU IS YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU JUST MET ME.
I KNOW YOUR KIND.
WOULD YOU PLEASE TURN ON THE RADIO? ( static ) ( gagging ) ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
YOU CAN GET BACK IN.
CAREFUL, BOBBY.
YOU KNOW HOW YOUR MOTHER AND I WORRY ABOUT YOU.
UH, YOU KNOW, SHE WORRIES ABOUT YOU, TOO, MR.
DAUTERIVE.
SHE DOES? I GUESS.
I DON'T KNOW.
( excited giggling ) Lillian: LOOK, EVERYONE.
PORT ARANSAS.
Tilly: IT LOOKS LIKE A MINIATURE ISLAND.
OH, IT'S A SHAME IT HAS TO GET BIGGER.
I WANT TO REMEMBER IT LIKE THIS.
SO I GUESS ALL OF YOU ARE AS CRAZY FOR MINIATURES AS MY MOM, HUH? I WOULDN'T USE THE WORD "CRAZY.
" TO THE MINIATURES.
All: TO THE MINIATURES.
( knocking on door ) HUH, WHAT? OH, HURRY.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR THE MUSEUM.
IT'S NOT EVEN 5:00 A.
M.
THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU READY ANY FASTER.
OKAY, OKAY.
WILL YOU LADIES JUST GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES TO SHAVE? NO.
Hank ( chuckling ): WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN HERE A LITTLE EARLY.
WHAT'S THE BIG JOKE? IT'S NOT A JOKE.
THEN IT'S US, ISN'T IT? APPARENTLY, WE AMUSE YOU IN SOME WAY.
( under breath ): I WISH.
WELL, THAT WAS INTERESTING.
STAY.
WATCH.
LYLE NEFF IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST RENOWNED MICROPOINTILISTS.
LYLE NEFF? OH, GOD I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT NAME SINCE I WAS 13.
YOU KNOW, I'D ALWAYS PICTURED HIM WITH A SCRAWNIER MUSTACHE.
THEY SAY THE SPRITES TALK THROUGH HIS HANDS.
THAT'S A NICE-LOOKING AH SEAL.
IT IS AN OTTER.
LYLE NEFF WOULD NEVER WASTE HIS TIME ON SEALS.
SEALS ARE TRASH MAMMALS.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
( sighing ) Tilly: SIX CUCUMBER SANDWICHES, PLEASE.
UH, I'LL HAVE THE HAMBURGER SANDWICH INSTEAD.
THE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES ARE DELICIOUS HERE.
I DON'T LIKE CUCUMBER.
( all gasp ) I APOLOGIZE FOR MY SON.
COME ON, MOM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR ME.
APPARENTLY, I DO.
MOM? IT'S ME, HANK.
JUST CAME TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN BED? IT'S ALMOST 7:30.
LOOK AT THIS.
DON'T THEY LOOK HAPPY? THEY LIKE IT HERE.
UH, MOM, THOSE ARE JUST GLASS.
I KNOW THAT, HANK.
MY POINT IS THEY'RE FROM THE ISLAND AND THEY LIKE BEING HOME.
YOU'RE NOT FALLING INTO ONE OF THOSE FUNKS ARE YOU, MOM? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU, UH SOCIALIZE WITH YOUR MINIATURES SINCE GOSH, SINCE YOU WERE MARRIED TO DAD.
I'LL HELPS YOU WITH YOUR DISHES.
MOM? MOM, WHAT SHOULD I DO? MOM? ( sighing ) QUIET, YOU! Bill: CLEANING? HOW DID YOU GET IN, BILL? YOU GAVE ME A KEY, REMEMBER-- WHEN YOU WENT ON VACATION SO I COULD FEED LADYBIRD.
THAT WAS SIX YEARS AGO.
UH-HUH.
IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD THING I HELD ON TO IT, TOO.
AFTER ALL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN Peggy: I WANT IT BACK.
NOW! ALL RIGHT.
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT TRASH.
WHY IS HE HUGGING OUR TRASH? AS LONG AS HE DOES NOT TAKE I INTO HIS HOUSE WE'RE OKAY.
( door closing ) OH, NO.
Hank: I'LL HAVE A DUNE-BURGGY, MEDIUM RARE, AND A BEER.
AT LAST, A FEW SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION.
HEY, GUYS.
HOW THOSE LONGHORNS LOOKING FOR NEXT YEAR? TOTALLY AWESOME, DUDE.
"AWESOME.
" ( chuckling ) THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.
LET ME BUY YOU A BEER AND WE CAN TALK SOME FOOTBALL.
DON'T MIND IF WE DO.
( both screaming ) HEY, FELLAS, SLOW DOWN.
WE'VE GOT THE WHOLE BENCH TO GO OVER.
( chuckling ) I TELL YOU, THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
I SPENT THE DAY WITH ABOUT 500 YEARS OF OLD LADY.
OH, IF THEY COULD SEE ME NOW HAVING A BEER AND A HAMBURGER THAT WOULD PUSH THEM RIGHT OVER THE EDGE I TELL YOU WHAT.
( knocking ) HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS, LADIES.
THE MUSEUM'LL STILL BE THERE AT DAWN.
( loud music and chatter ) NO.
WHAT? HEY, YOU KIDS KNOCK IT OFF! COME ON! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP! OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT.
YOU.
WHAT ROOM ARE YOUR PARENTS IN? ( gagging ) OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE! AND NONE OF YOU HEARD ANY OF THAT LAST NIGHT? NO.
( high-pitched whine ) I-I SMELL SOMETHING UNPLEASANT IN THIS HALLWAY.
IT'S MAKING ME RATHER ( retching ) Hank: SON, YOUR BLINKER'S ON.
MERGE.
MERGE, ALREADY.
( groaning ) OH, LOOK AT THIS CROWD.
THAT MUSEUM IS GOING TO BE A MADHOUSE.
I THINK IT WOULD BE SAFES IF WE USED A BUDDY SYSTEM TO GET AROUND.
HANK, YOU'RE MAKING TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.
MOM, THAT FELLA ASKED YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR HIGH BEAMS.
NOW, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HE MEANT? OF COURSE I DO.
I'VE BEEN DRIVING LONGER THAN YOU.
NO.
MOM, WHAT HE MEANT WAS OH, HANK, LOOK-- A UNICORN.
I HAVE JUST THE LITTLE NOOK FOR YOU OH, YES, I DO.
PEGGY! ISN'T IT FUNNY WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER HERE JUST BY CHANCE? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU SHOPPED AT THIS MARKET.
IT'S THE ONE CLOSEST TO THE HOUSE, BILL.
I THINK SO, TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SHOPPING FOR? FOOD.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU, ALL RIGHT? I'M HAVING A BARBECUE THIS AFTERNOON.
SEE YOU THERE.
NO, YOU WILL NOT.
OKAY, THEN.
4:00.
( loud music and chatter ) ( groans ) ( gasps ) ( whooping ) OH, GOD.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, LET'S TAKE A VOTE.
WARM WATER ( cheering ) GIVE IT TO ME, BABY OR COLD WATER? ( cheering ) COLD WATER IT IS! ( animal-like grunting ) ROCKADILLO DO YOUR STUFF! ( deejay laughing ) BUT-BUT COLD WATER'S GOING TO MAKE THEIR ( shuddering groan ) OKAY, LET'S GO, BUDDY UP.
DELIA, YOU HOLD MAUREEN'S HAND.
NO.
WE'RE FIGHTING.
SHE ATE THE LAST SCONE.
AND IT WAS DELICIOUS.
( groaning sigh ) R-RANDY! RANDY, CHAD IT'S ME, HANK! HEY, IT'S THAT DUDE FROM LAST NIGHT.
( grunting ) ( sighs ) I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO LET THAT HAPPEN.
THE PROBLEM WITH YOU IS YOU NEVER MEAN TO LET ANYTHING HAPPEN.
IT'S A HORRIBLE, EMPTY WAY TO LIVE.
BARBECUING? NO! GO AWAY! THIS IS PEGGY'S.
SHE'S GOT NO ONE TO DO HER BARBECUING NOW THAT HANK'S LEFT HER.
"LEFT HER"? HE'S ONLY ON A TWO-DAY TRIP WITH HIS MOM.
AND FOUR OTHER SINGLE WOMEN.
( horns honking ) "HOW'S MY DRIVING?" I'LL TELL YOU.
MOM, RIGHT THIS NUMBER DOWN-- "1-800 E-A-T-S-H" UH NEVER MIND.
Deejay: SPRING BREAK '99 CONTINUES WITH SOME OF THE HOTTEST BANDS, BODS AND BUNS ON THE PORT I CALL ARANSAS! AM I RIGHT, ROCKADILLO?! ( animal-like grunting ) AND PARTY '99 IS ONLY GETTING BETTER 'CAUSE ADAM SANDLER'S GOING TO BE PERFORMING LIVE! ( howls ) ( cheering ) THERE, YOU'RE PACKED.
BUT WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE GLADE OF ELSINORE AT THE MUSEUM.
FORGET ABOUT THE MUSEUM.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OFF THIS ISLAND BEFORE THEY RUN OUT OF BEER AND START RIOTING.
THE GLADE OF ELSINORE IS CRAFTED FROM REAL FLOWERS.
THAT MEANS THE PIGMENTS FADE, STUPID.
I DON'T CARE.
WE'RE LEAVING.
OH, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
( hip-hop music playing ) I TELL YOU WHAT-- IT'LL BE GREA WHEN ALL THESE KIDS LOOK LIKE MINIATURES IN OUR REAR-VIEW MIRROR, HUH? ( Hank chuckling ) ( sighs ) WHEN YOU'RE ALL BACK SAFE IN YOUR HOMES AND PLANNED COMMUNITIES YOU'LL THANK ME.
MY GOD, HANK, STOP! MOM, I TOLD YOU, I WILL HANK, STOP THIS VAN.
Hank: WHAT IS IT? ARE YOU OKAY? NO, I'M NOT.
I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL.
I'VE LEFT MY UNICORN.
( horrified gasping ) WE HAVE TO GO BACK FOR IT.
WE'LL MISS THE FERRY.
I CAN'T.
HANK, TINY GLASS UNICORNS ARE AS HARD TO FIND AS A REAL UNICORN.
I CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT MINE.
NOW I'VE HAD ENOUGH, MOM.
FORGET THE DAMN UNICORN AND ALL THESE STUPID LITTLE DOLLS FROM WHEN YOU WENT WEIRD.
OH, DELIA WAS RIGHT.
HANK, YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.
WHICH ONE OF YOU IS DELIA? SHE IS.
I COULD COMMIT YOU LIKE THAT.
OH, NO.
STAY PUT.
MOM! ( sighs ) NOW, THESE SHOULD HOLD YOU TILL I GET BACK.
I WANTED MILK, NOT CREAM.
CREAM MAKES ME LOGY.
LIVE WITH IT.
EXCUSE ME.
HAVE YOU SEEN A NICE-LOOKING OLDER LADY-- GRAY HAIR, YELLOW GOLF SWEATER? MMM, STAND RIGHT THERE WHILE I THINK ABOUT IT.
WHAT? I DON'T SEE WHY I NEED TO YO, GOTCHA! HEY, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M LOOKING FOR A LADY? WE'RE ALL LOOKING FOR LADIES, DUDE.
THAT'S WHAT SPRING BREAK IS ALL ABOUT.
YEAH! YEAH! BILL? WHY ISN'T BOBBY PLAYING? YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD, MR.
DAUTERIVE.
HAVE YOU BEEN IN A FIRE? ( whimpering ) ( sobbing ) BILL, ARE YOU OKAY? NO, I AM NOT OKAY.
I AM I'M NOT OKAY AT ALL.
I DIDN'T MAKE YOU A BARBECUE JUST SO YOU WOULDN'T SHOW UP AND I DIDN'T COME HERE TO NOT WATCH BOBBY PLAY BALL! BILL, PLEASE! PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU! I DON'T CARE! MAYBE IT'S TIME THEY DID! HEY, COACH! YOU, COACH! WHY AREN'T YOU PLAYING BOBBY HILL? I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT BOY! YOU PLAY HIM NOW! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU! ( groans ) OH, PEGGY I'M NOT ANGRY AT YOU.
BILL, YOU GET YOUR ARM OFF ME! ( Bill groaning ) OH, YEAH! COME ON, COUGARS! COME ON! WHOO-WHOO-WHOO! MOM.
MOM? MOM? ( sighs ) EXCUSE ME.
I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE-LOOKING OLDER LADY SWEATER.
UH, SHE-SHE NEEDED A UNICORN.
DON'T THEY ALL? WAS SHE HERE? SHE LEFT A FEW MINUTES AGO, ONE UNICORN RICHER.
DAMN THOSE STUPID MINIATURES! THEY'RE GOING TO GET HER KILLED.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
WHAT? MINIATURES PROBABLY SAVED YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A WOMAN IN THIS WORLD? I DO.
WOMEN COME IN HERE ALL THE TIME AND THEY ARE SAD AND THEY ARE LONELY AND THEY ARE FRUMPY AND THEY TELL ME HOW MY TINY INDIVIDUALLY HAND-CRAFTED, INVESTMENT-GRADE ART IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING THEM SANE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DOES THAT SOUND LIKE YOUR MOTHER? NO.
WELL MAYBE WHEN HER MARRIAGE TO MY DAD WAS BREAKING UP, BUT SO, UH SO, THIS LITTLE GLASS CRAP REALLY HELPED HER OUT, HUH? HUH.
I GUESS I OWE SOMEONE AN APOLOGY.
ACCEPTED.
UH MOM ABOUT BACK IN THE CAR WELL, UH WELL, HERE.
WHAT IS IT? UH, IT'S THE LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPOR CARVED IN A WALNUT SHELL.
OH, LOOK AT THE DETAIL.
DON'T WORRY, LITTLE PUPPY.
SOMEONE'S COMING TO CLAIM YOU.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH, IT'S A IT'S A NEFF.
( younger crowd cheering ) WE GOT TO GO, MOM, NOW.
THE LAST FERRY LEAVES IN 15 MINUTES AND THE BROCHURE RECOMMENDS GETTING THERE TEN MINUTES IN ADVANCE.
( sighs ) MAUREEN! MAUREEN! ( startled yell ) TAKES TWO MINUTES TO DEVELOP.
HANK THEY PASSED HER OVER THE CROWD LIKE A BEACH BALL.
AH, HELL.
INVASION! HEY NOW, YOU ( animal-like grunting ) HEY! HEY! THOSE ARE PRESCRIPTION, DANG IT! GIVE ME THAT! YOU DAMN ( grunts ) GET YOUR NO, HELP, MAN! GET OFF THE YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ( gasps ) OH, NO.
DON'T WORRY.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT.
( gasping and shrieking ) Hank: OH, GOD, NO! EVERYBODY STAY CALM.
WE JUST EXPERIENCED SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE.
YOU SAID YOU'D GET US OUT OF HERE.
TILLY, YOUR BOY IS ALL TALK.
I HATE YOU.
HANK, GET US OUT OF HERE.
WE'RE DOWN TO THE RIMS.
IF WE DRIVE ON THEM, THEY MAY NEVER BE TRUE AGAIN.
( helicopter rotors whirring ) Hank: OH, NO.
HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS, LADIES.
OH, LOOK, EVERYONE PORT ARANSAS.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THERE.
WHO'S READY? LAY IT ON ME.
WELL, I PROBABLY COULD USE A BEER.
DALE.
THANK YOU.
BOOMHAUER.
DANG OL' THANKS, MAN.
BILL.
( grunts ) ( groans ) OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT AND, UH, THANKS FOR LOOKING AFTER PEGGY FOR ME, BILL.
OW! IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, HANK.
YEP.
I KNOW YOUR KIND.