Mike & Molly s03e17 Episode Script

You really got to stay like that for ten minutes, in order to get pregnant? Supposedly it gets the salmon spawning in the right direction.
I can only do it for eight minutes, though.
I've got to shave my legs before work.
You don't have to tell me, cactus calves.
I got stubble burn on my back.
Wow! The honeymoon is officially over, isn't it? - Where are you going? - To make some breakfast.
I'll scramble my eggs while you're fertilizing yours.
No, sit down and talk to me.
These are your boys I'm giving a ride on the water slide.
Sweetie, you're ovulating for the next 36 hours.
That's a long time in the car together.
- We can't stop at every Stuckey's.
- Stay.
Fine, but just a warning: I used up most of my witty banter during foreplay.
So your idea of witty banter and foreplay was kicking your slippers off and saying, "Okay, let's do this thing.
Papa needs a paycheck.
" Hey, it got your motor running, didn't it? Ovulators can't be choosers.
It'll all be worth it when I see you holding our beautiful young'un in your arms.
You're going to be the greatest dad.
And listen, I don't care if we have a boy or a girl.
Either way, they're going to be pitching for the Cubs.
Or dancing for the Joffrey.
Long as they're healthy and happy.
And have your cute little button nose.
- I love you, Mike Biggs.
- I love you, Molly Flynn.
All right, good talk.
I'll see you at 6:00.
Don't be late.
I've got papers to grade.
For the first time in my life I see love.
I'm telling you, man.
This St.
Patty's Day is going to be the best ever.
Better than the you and you got drunk, painted yourself green and then tried to French kiss the police horse? Hey, man, I was feeding Clip-Clop a carrot.
Hey, and those pictures made that look a lot weirder than it really was.
You took advantage of a hungry horse, Carl.
Neigh means neigh.
Joke if you want, but that's what St.
Patty's Day is all about: Free-spirited revelry.
Some might say "unbridled.
" By the way, uh, are you two seeing each other again, or has she moved on to greener pastures? Oh, that reminds me, I got to pick up a keg of green beer for my party.
And talk to my piñata guy to see if he can do a leprechaun.
Wow, you're really going all out for this thing, aren't you? Hey, this is my first official blow-out in my new apartment.
People are going to be talking about this soirée for years to come.
Well, I'll have to read about it in the papers, or, next month's Horse Quarterly.
Wait, now you're not coming? But I already bought enough bags of green M&Ms to dam up a levee.
I was prepared for Hurricane Mike.
I'm sorry, Carl, something came up.
No, but you've known about this for two weeks and all of the sudden you ju Oh, wait, Molly's ovulating, isn't she? And on St.
Patty's Day.
Funny how her eggs never drop when she's got tickets to Mamma Mia! Why don't you just do a hit and run? You guys are married, she knows you're coming back.
Ovulation days aren't just "one and done," Carl.
It's a marathon.
By the time it's over, I won't be able to form a sentence or pull up my pants.
Hey, this St.
Patty's Day I'm going to be the exact same way.
And that right there is what made that horse picture really weird.
"My ears have not drunk a hundred words "of thy tongue's uttering, "yet I know the sound.
"Art thou not Romeo a Mont-a-cue?" "Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.
" Okay, what did we just say to each other? You just asked if I was Romeo, and I said, "Yeah, unless it's a deal breaker"" I don't understand a word of it.
It might as well be in Mexican.
Well, Elizabethan poetry does sound pretty Mexican-y until you get used to it.
I appreciate you helping me with my homework, Harry.
You know, I'm not so much "book smart" as "magazine smart.
" Don't sell yourself short.
You're an ethereal, inquisitive soul with a palpable effervescence.
Okay, what'd you just say? I said, "You're pretty neat.
" Oh, thanks.
You're neat, too.
"How cam'st thou hither, tell me, and wherefore? "The orchard walls are high and hard to climb" "And the place death, considering who thou art, if any of my kinsmen find thee here.
" That's what it says right here.
How did you do that? Well, the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
I'm an English lit major and Shakespeare's kind of my "thang.
" I have a test tomorrow and if it wasn't for Harry here methinks I'd be screwed.
Oh, so you're an aficionado of The Bard, are you? Well, I received his collected works for my 12th birthday and read every volume, cover to cover.
Well like I always tell my students, reading is one thing, but understanding is another.
I did understudy Mercutio at the Shawnee Summer Theater.
And I got to perform one matinee when his eczema flared up.
Have you ever played any of the female roles? See, in Shakespeare's time, the men played all the roles.
Harry told me.
It's like having an encyclopedia that breathes really loud.
Sorry.
Deviated septum.
Yeah, he got hit in the face with a tire swing.
Well, I'll leave you in the hands of this self-proclaimed expert.
For me and my Romeo have plans to "expend our spirit in the waste of shame.
" You do realize that's from a sonnet and not Romeo and Juliet? You do realize this know-it-all stuff is why people hit you you in the face with a tire swing? Hey, where you been? I was getting ready to start without you.
Sounds good to me.
I don't need the parade.
Just bring me in for the fireworks.
By the way, Carl's very disappointed we won't be at his party.
Hey, I'm disappointed, too.
I used to roll pretty hard on St.
Patty's Day.
Yeah, right.
A four-pack of wine coolers in the teacher's lounge followed by a "dirty spelling bee"? Really? Take a look at that.
What is it? St.
Patty's Day, 2002.
What happened? Whiskey shots at the bar, some drunk jackass tried to grab a touch of the blarney - and I elbowed him in the mouth.
- You're kidding! Scars don't lie, buddy.
I actually kept his tooth for a while.
I wonder what I did with that.
So, my wife has been in a bar fight? Well, not much of a fight.
I hit him and he hit the ground.
Why am I just hearing about this? Hey, you don't need to hear about every tavern brawl and which Chicago Bear I've tongue wrestled with.
What?! That was the past, this is the future.
Speaking of which, baby time.
Yeah, yeah, did he play offense or defense? Hmm, that night he was playing offense.
Who are you? I am the lady having your baby.
Let's go, mouth closed, britches down.
Yes, ma'am.
Please tell me it wasn't a place kicker.
Man, I can't believe this is all the dinnerware this old woman has.
How am I supposed to throw a nice party with six plates and three Flintstones cereal bowls? Are you sure your grandma is all right with us borrowing all of her stuff? Hey, I am her grandson, the light of her life.
My happiness is her priority.
Now run upstairs and grab some towels and soap before that old buzzard blows through that door.
Hey, by the way, we are out of toilet paper, too.
Man, how many times I got to tell you three sheets is plenty.
Any more than that, then you should take a shower.
I know, Carl, I've read the sign you've taped to the toilet tank.
Don't just read it, do it.
You left me stranded so many times, I almost had to wipe with the sign.
It's like living with an animal.
We got gin, cognac, tawny port.
Damn, that old Baptist parties like a gangsta rapper.
Boy, if you robbing me, you better put on a ski mask and duct tape me to a chair.
Hey, Grandma.
Um, where's that bottle of J&B I gave you last Christmas? It's gone.
Wha You drank that whole thing? It was half-empty when you gave it to me.
Well, it was cold that night and the heater broke in my car.
Would you prefer I freeze to death? It's not my first choice for the way you die, but it'll do.
By the way, do you have any nice cocktail glasses so that the people can enjoy this cognac in style? How about I break that bottle over your head and they can suck it out of your ears? Fine.
I don't need this stuff anyway.
And-and don't bother leaving it to me in your will 'cause it's all crap! You're gonna meet your maker way before I do.
And I got a list of ten ways to make that happen.
Hello, Nana.
Uh, about these fancy soaps.
Do they contain paraffins? Because I have very sensitive skin.
So, Romeo thought Juliet was dead and killed himself but then she wakes up and sees he's dead and kills herself? Well, when you're writing a tragedy and you hit act five, you gotta wrap things up pretty quick.
So sad.
They killed themselves for love.
Yes, but they died in each other's arms and spent the rest of eternity together.
Hey.
Hey, Mike, I was just leaving.
Uh Good luck on the test tomorrow.
I know you're going to do great, Victoria.
I bid you all adieu.
Geez, that's an odd bird.
He is a little quirky, but, he's also very sweet.
Well, I know he's crazy about you.
And you want to know something really strange? Sometimes, when he's not here I find myself missing him.
You know I remember feeling that way when I first met Molly.
- I'd drop her off after a date - Mm-hmm.
And sit in the car just staring at the door, smiling.
Imagining the next time that I'd get to see her.
That's so romantic.
I guess that's what love feels like.
I guess.
There you are.
Break's over.
Already? Chop chop, lover boy.
We got work to do.
See you in the morning Lord willing.
Here you go, sport.
Happy St.
Patrick's Day.
Odd bunch, the Irish.
I don't trust anyone who dances without their arms.
I probably shouldn't imbibe.
I'm Victoria's designated driver for the party tonight.
Still swinging the bat, huh, Bubbles? Do you not own any mirrors at your house? What are you talking about? You're a dumpy load and she's smokin' hot.
Please, don't make me say it outright.
We're just study buddies, nothing more.
Hey, I admire your angle.
I taught a broad to golf once, ended up nailing her in the sand trap.
I'm just helping out a friend, you horrible, horrible man.
Yeah, yeah, sticks and stones.
Let me explain it to you in simple geometry.
A guy shaped like you will never bag a woman shaped like that.
At least I have hair.
Whoa man, take it easy.
I got feelings.
Oh! How'd you do? B-minus.
It is the best grade I have ever gotten.
I told you, if you studied and applied yourself, you could do anything, Victoria.
Wow.
- You kissed me.
- I did.
I gotta go.
Well, wait I thought we were gonna go to the party.
Wha-What just happened? Your frog didn't turn into a prince.
He just hopped away.
Yeah Yeah When you wish upon a star 'Sup, player.
There's another whole keg of that green beer on ice in the bathtub.
Man, this party's starting to heat up nice.
Yeah, it's simmering to a boil.
Mm-hmm.
And yet, as I gaze around the room, something seems to be missing from this festive motif.
Well, go put on that leprechaun outfit I bought you.
I was actually referring to the complete absence of anything even resembling a female.
Hey, man, women don't show up at parties this early.
Okay, they're too busy primping and getting themselves beautiful for us.
Seriously? Absolutely.
I mean, you don't want a bunch of half- put-together skanks straggling up into our home, do you? At this point, I would settle for skanks.
I can always just drink more.
Just relax.
Women love to make a grand entrance.
Yup.
And you and me? We got home field advantage.
- How so? - We live here, so we the only ones that got beds.
Ah.
Speaking of which, there's a large man watching TV on yours with his shoes off.
Damn it, man.
And I just Febreze'd my comforter! 'Sup, player.
No worries.
Very soon, this place will be crawling with skanks.
In fact, one year, I woke up under the bar in this exact position.
You know, feel free to save some of these stories for my deathbed.
Knock, knock.
Are you guys decent? I am, and I thought she was.
Hey, Mike, have you heard from Harry? We're supposed to go to Carl and Samuel's party together.
You realize we're gonna be the only ones not there? Well, we could stop by, if you want.
I mean, we don't have to drink to have fun, right? Well, I don't, but I've never woke up wearing my "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" t-shirt as pants.
You told him that story? Not all of it.
Just hope Harry's okay.
He left here pretty upset after I kissed him.
Wait, did she say she kissed him? Wow.
Wonder if we're talking about a peck on the cheek or full on the mouth like Carl and that horse.
Harry? What are you doing down there? I'm sorry that I ran out on you the way I did.
I just panicked.
No, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have kissed you.
I was just so excited about my grade and you have been so lovely to me.
Don't apologize.
That kiss changed my life.
Oh, Harry.
Don't speak hear me out.
I've been mustering the courage to say this, and if I don't do it now, I never will.
I'm listening.
I'm sure whatever you're feeling, I'm feeling the same.
I'm gay.
Okay, that threw me for a little bit of a loop.
The minute you put your beautiful mouth on mine and I felt absolutely nothing, I knew the truth.
Hang on.
You didn't feel nothin'? Nada.
Goose eggs.
Zilch.
What about if I, like, put your hand on my boob and let you mush it around a little? What's going on? Hi, Mike.
Hi, Molly.
I'm gay.
Good for you.
You still going to Carl's party? What the hell's going on out here? Harry just figured out that he's gay.
Really? I could have told him that two years ago.
What's the next big reveal, that he's boring? What's all the yelling? The big man's gay.
Who? Mike? She hooked up with another gay guy? Shut up, Vince.
Not me.
Him.
I hope this doesn't create any awkward feelings between you and I.
No more than usual, pal.
Man, I don't get it.
This place should be crawling with women.
Well, the good news is, our toilet seat is covered in green urine.
You're kidding.
What happened to my sign that said, "Be neat-y, lift the seat-y"? That has more urine on it than the seat.
Man, dudes are nasty.
Next year, I'm not inviting any guys.
So it will just be the two of us? You'll still come, right? Dear God, please let that be a woman.
Oh, you guys came! Hey, Carl.
Where's the hooch? Hard stuff in the kitchen, beer in the bathtub.
I'll start in the bathtub.
Go easy, slugger.
Hello, young lovely.
Single woman! Single woman in the house! You're gonna get a lot of attention tonight.
Good.
I kind of need it.
I'm feeling a little off my game.
Hey, Harry, how's it going? Never better.
I'm gay.
Well, you gonna enjoy this party more than anybody.