Roseanne s03e17 Episode Script

Crystal, he brings you breakfast in bed? How was it? No, I mean the breakfast.
Well, of course Ed's going to do something romantic.
It's Valentine's day, for crying out loud.
Only the slimiest lowlife of a husband would forget you on Valentine's day.
And he just came in.
I got to go.
Bye.
I didn't forget.
What did you get me? A surprise.
To both of us, huh? Here.
Well, at least my son remembered.
"Happy Valentine's day from your son.
Love Warren.
" Warren? The one I made was lousy.
I would have loved it anyway, D.
J.
, because you made it with your own two hands.
Is there gravy on this? Did you fish it out of the trash? Was that wrong? Keep going.
You're making the old man look good.
It's not too late if he asks tomorrow.
He's not going to ask me anyway.
Who ain't going to ask you anyway what? Can we just eat breakfast, please? We're all gathered together.
This is the perfect time to get caught up.
There are three other people to get caught up on.
Ok.
Dan, you going to work today? Yep.
D.
J.
, you got scouts? Yes.
Becky, you still blonde? Yeah.
So, Darlene, what's going on? It's just like you to get all gross about this.
How come you can't talk behind my back like a normal mother? Ok, let's do it.
His name is Barry.
Hi, guys.
Get in here, Jackie.
Darlene's got a boyfriend.
You're kidding.
Who? This guy she met playing basketball.
He's a sophomore.
Oh, an older man.
She really wants him to ask her to the Valentine's dance.
I suggested she invite him over to help study math.
I thought the helpless girl approach was better than her Larry bird thing.
I don't want to catch her groping, like with that last guy.
This is completely different.
She didn't even like that last guy.
Oh, well, then.
Becky, what should I wear? I said the pink skirt.
It's too short.
She's knows nothing.
I don't like this Darlene-pink-skirt- boy-too-short thing.
Well, I don't like this whole husband-stupid- forget-Valentine thing.
I didn't forget.
Ok, D.
J.
, I'll drop you off at school.
Well Happy Valentine's day anyhow, honey.
See? I'm not mad.
So, Jackie.
Uh, now that you're off the police force Ok, I forgot.
Help me out here.
What does she want? I'm sure whatever you pick out would be Tell me! Lingerie.
No, no, no! She says you never buy her anything that makes her feel sexy.
I bought her cable, didn't I? It's what she wants.
How about jewelry? She loves jewelry.
She doesn't have any of her own, but she admires it on others.
You're embarrassed because you think you'll be the only man in the lingerie store, and everybody's going to be staring at you and thinking you're a pervert.
You've been a great help.
Dan, come on.
A lot of guys do it.
It's romantic.
Oh, I don't know.
How am I even going to know if it fits? Try it on.
Good brownies.
Yeah.
They have nuts in them.
They're good.
Yeah.
Nuts.
Boy, she looks constipated.
It's all those nuts.
She's fine.
She's just got to relax.
Much better.
Ohh! Sorry.
That's ok.
I just go get something to clean that up.
Mom, clean that up.
Oh, he hates me.
He does not.
He thinks I'm a dork.
Show him you're something special.
Oh, yeah A special dork, the head dork, the dork queen.
Geez, Darlene.
Try flirting a little.
You know, smile, laugh, lean in and listen like what he's saying is important.
Lean in and listen? Yeah, like this.
You're making this up.
I'm only trying to help you out.
Ok, ok.
He's gorgeous, isn't he? He's cute.
Come on, he's a god! This homework thing's kind of lame, but he came over, so he must like me, right? Why shouldn't he like you? You're funny, you're cute, you're wearing my clothes.
Thanks.
There is one problem.
What? Right now he's out there with Mom alone.
I figure when your husband forgets Valentine's day, you've got a right to say something, you know? I don't want to go busting his chops or nothing, but I want a little romance.
Is that wrong? Hi.
Hi.
What's that, Lassie? You say Timmy fell down a mine shaft Up on Big Rock mountain, and grandpa's already up there waiting? I'd better get out there.
Good girl.
Your mom's nice.
Ok.
Uh, this is my sister Becky.
Hi.
I've seen you in school.
Would you like another brownie, Barry? Uh, no.
Maybe I should take off.
Uh, Barry, have you got your license yet? Uh-huh.
I'm waiting to get a car.
Ahh.
Hmm.
What kind of car? Yeah.
What she said.
My dream car is a red Corvette with a turbocharger, but I'll probably wind up with my aunt's gremlin.
What is she doing? Flirting? Well, god, I hope she doesn't hurt herself.
We're married 17 years, and he forgets Valentine's day.
I'd divorce him if I were you.
I'm not going to reward him.
So did Duke get you anything? Oh, he's such a sweetheart.
There were a lot of women in his life before we met.
So for Valentine's day, he's going to have their names removed from his back.
I'd kill for a guy like that.
That's how I got him.
Excuse me.
Hello! I'd like to speak with the manager please.
He's not here.
He's never here.
Maybe that's why they fired him and hired me.
Leon Carp, your new boss.
Which leads me to ask, why aren't you working? Nobody's asking for anything.
Attitude We'll cover that later.
Ok, new rules.
Ready? First when your shift starts, you start.
If you're five minutes late, you're docked five minutes pay.
Wow! That's almost 30 cents.
Hey, I got to go to the bathroom.
Here's a buck.
That's very funny.
Thank you.
Now, to continue on I've been hearing that the customers like to come in here because they enjoy themselves.
You're friendly.
You chat.
We think it's our sexy uniforms.
Why is this restaurant in the middle of this store? Because when our customers are hungry, we do not want them to leave.
After they've eaten, we want them back out there buying things.
Should we be mean? Not mean.
Brusque.
That's going to cut down on our tips.
You'll make it up in volume.
You want us to work twice as hard for the same money? That's great.
Ok.
I got to go.
[Shouting.]
Are you enjoying that coffee? Yes, I am.
That's wonderful! Get her out of here.
She is definitely cute.
Why didn't you ask her? Her whole family was there.
Her sister was hanging out with us.
Dance is tomorrow, bud.
I think she likes me.
I'm not sure.
Oh, god.
What? That's her mother.
Look, guys, don't, please.
Hey.
Hey, Mrs.
Conner.
So all you guys know what you want? Barry does.
But she's not on the menu.
I got to go.
Where are you going? It's too embarrassing here.
Oh, it is not.
I know you like my daughter, right? Ok.
Yeah.
Ok.
I'm a young, hip, happening kind of mother here.
I totally dig this teen romance stuff.
That's why I'm giving you some advice, Barry.
Call her, dude.
It's more complicated than that.
I mean, Darlene It's not complicated.
You sure? Just promise me you'll have a small wedding, then you'll move away.
Hello, this is Barry Parker.
Is this Darlene? I'll get her.
Darlene! Hurry! It's him! It's him! It's him! It's him! Now I'm the kind of girl I hate.
Give me the phone.
Here she is, Bar.
What? I wanted to talk to you, Becky.
Do you have a date for the Valentine's dance? Hey, Bonnie, I'm sleeping over at your house tonight, ok? I was hardly here.
Exactly how did I steal him away? "Well, hello, Barry, y'all going to be driving sometime soon?" Oh, Darlene, I told you, he's not even my type.
He's not good enough for you? He's 50 times better than the mutants you date.
You're not making any sense.
I don't have to.
I just have to be more careful with my boyfriends when my sister's feeling feisty.
Mother.
What's going on? Barry called and asked me out instead of Darlene.
No.
Would you tell her I didn't do anything? Darlene, you know, it's not Take her side like always.
She's just your little Princess.
What do you mean? She never takes my side.
We're always arguing.
She makes my life miserable.
Am I right? Well, I do what I can.
I don't care what she says.
You hated the idea that I could have a boyfriend.
I don't have to take this.
Yeah, right.
Run away, Becky, like you always do.
You know, Darlene, this isn't Becky's fault.
This happens to all girls.
It really does.
I promise, it'll get better.
"Tomorrow's another day.
" "It's not the end of the world.
" Did I leave anything out? There's plenty more fish in the sea.
That about covers it.
What do you think? Pervert? No.
Husband.
He's starting to buckle.
I got him.
Hi.
Can I help you? No, thanks, I'm I'm just looking.
No, I'm not looking.
I didn't come to look.
I don't enjoy doing that kind of thing.
Why don't you believe me? Something for your wife.
Fine.
Valentine's day? Thank you.
How sweet.
What do you think she would like? A teddy? A nightie? How about a robe? Robe yeah, yeah.
A big long robe.
Do you want silk, lace, see-through? Can I have a glass of water? Amy.
Good construction here.
Here you go, sir.
Would you like to sit down? Thank you.
There, there.
Calm down.
It's ok.
You said a robe, but I think she'll really like this.
See how sheer it is.
Feel it.
No.
It won't bite.
It's ok.
I know you want to.
It's wonderful.
Wrap it up.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Sir, are you ok? I got to go my car.
Arnie.
Dan.
- My car broke down - I was outside - Bye.
- Bye.
If Darlene's in the bedroom, I'll be in the living room.
Oh, I hate this.
You remember Kenny Billows, my first love? The guy that told you you should cut your hair short like Twiggy's, and you'd look real cute.
So I cut it.
Boy, he was wrong.
Remember what I was like after he dumped me? You wore hats.
I stayed in my room for three days.
You listened to me cry, fed me pizza, and got me to put on make-up.
I was good then.
Too bad I can't do that for Darlene now.
I never could have taken that to Mom, so maybe what Darlene needs Hey, I got an idea.
I'll be right back.
It was my idea.
Hey, Becky, how's that book? Incredibly boring.
You know, Becky, that's not your fault that that Barry kid asked you out.
I mean, you're very pretty, and you're a sophomore, and you're comfortable around boys.
And it's not his fault, either.
It certainly isn't Darlene's fault.
The book is better than this, mother.
She really needs you now, Becky.
I'm not going up there.
She'll just dump all over me.
I know.
Then she'll probably cry some more.
It'll be an awful experience, and I'm glad I won't be having it.
So why should I? You're the big sister.
You get to date first and drive first.
You get to do everything first.
Darlene's going to be killing herself her whole life to catch up to you.
Give her a break.
She needs somebody to unload on right now.
This time I'm not good enough.
This is very, very nice of me.
I want big points.
I thought it would be a selfless act, but at the last minute she pulled it out.
I was never trying to catch up to you.
Oh, yeah? You wish you were me.
Oh, no.
Get out of here.
No, no, no.
That was the burden of my entire life Trying to hold myself back so you wouldn't feel overshadowed by my magnificence.
You're dreaming.
No, no.
Rosie, could I see you? He got it.
Ohh.
Guilt is a many-splendored thing.
Coming, dearest.
Oh, you did get me something.
For my wife on Valentine's day.
Ohh! So nice.
I made it with my own two little hands.
Oh, Dan.
Roseanne, I tried.
I went to the underwear store and everything.
People were staring at me, leering.
I felt so cheap.
"Dear Roseanne, "though this gift is not what you desire, "the sentiment is clear.
"If you need proof I love you still, hell, Rosie, I'm still here.
" "Love, Warren.
" Oh, Dan.
I know you really do love me, you old goat.
I'm going to go try this on.
Ba-a-a-a! Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
So how was the dance? It was ok.
You can tell me.
I'm not going to break down.
It was really nice.
Anybody there I might know? Barry showed up with Angela Dietz.
She looks just like you.
That's so gross.
Thanks.
You know what I mean.
So, did he spend the whole night gazing at you? Yeah.
Sort of.
Did he ask you to dance? Uh-huh.
So? I thought, what would Darlene want me to do? So you punched him in the neck? I just told him to get lost.
Then I told Angela she was his second choice.
So what did she do? Well, let's just say old Bar won't be dancing for a while.
Cool.
I can't look at you.