The Golden Girls (1985) s03e17 Episode Script
My Brother, My Father
(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidante (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Hi, Sophia.
Ooh, what you making? Lasagna al forno.
Smells delicious.
Yeah.
My great Aunt Nicolinda used to say, "Making lasagna al forno is like crossing a river.
"If you roll up your pants, dont be surprised if you find clams nipping at your heels.
" - Whatd she mean? - How should I know? She was a hopeless alcoholic.
- Here.
Have a taste.
- Ooh.
Hi, girls.
How did the audition for the play go? Awful.
We just got two tiny parts.
Were doing Sound of Music, and Blanche didnt get the lead.
I cant believe you werent cast in the lead.
Youve gotten it the past five years.
They hired a new director, and he has no taste.
Blanche used to sleep with the old one.
The new directors gay.
A gay theater director.
Did you ever hear of such a thing? Its absolutely shocking.
Next thing you know theyll have black basketball players in the NBA.
Ma, you are making lasagna al forno.
What is the occasion? Theres no occasion.
I just know its your favorite.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- I'll get it.
This takes 12 hours to make.
What do you want? Nothing.
And it takes 16.
The only time you make lasagna al forno is for funerals and favors.
Youre not wearing black, so what do you want? Nothing.
Dorothy, youre a sick, suspicious, paranoid person.
Stan, my favorite ex-son-in-law.
Oh! God! Stanley, what the hell are you doing here? Dont talk to him like that.
I invited him.
- What? - I love your toupee, Stanley.
- Is it new? - Yeah.
The guy at the shop calls it the Dan Rather model.
You think it makes me look more intellectual? Oh, absolutely.
By the way, Stanley, your fly is open.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Dont worry about it.
I hear that Dan Rather has the same problem.
Thats why he sits behind a desk.
Ma, listen, I want some answers.
Now, why did you prepare my favorite meal and then invite my least favorite person to come eat it with us? All right.
All right.
I need a favor.
Remember my brother Angelo? He was at your wedding.
Hes a priest who lives in Sicily.
Hes going to Brooklyn next week and insisted on stopping off in Miami one day to wish you two a happy 40th wedding anniversary.
But were not married anymore.
Which brings me to the lasagna al forno.
I want you to pretend youre still married and that were all living here.
I will not take part.
The institution of marriage is sacred.
- Ill give you 50 bucks.
- Okay.
Dorothy, its only for one afternoon.
Itll break your uncles heart if youre divorced.
Ma, forget it.
Were divorced because Stanley cheated on me.
He is a loathsome, repulsive creature.
Even the thought of pretending to be married makes me ill.
Fine, but I'm still staying for dinner.
If you dont do this, I'll never speak to you again.
- I dont care.
- Ill invite Stan over every night.
How bad can it be? Its just for the day.
Blanche, I just pressed our costumes.
Im nervous about the rehearsal tonight.
What do you say we go over our lines again.
Sure.
Can we take it from the top of scene three? Im standing on the balcony of the von Trapp home listening to artillery shells bursting in the distance, and you come running on from upstage.
- Okay.
You ready? - Yes.
The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming! Everybody, grab a gun and go in the basement! Come on! Move.
No, no, no, no.
Sophia, now, just relax.
Were just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.
Oh, thank God.
Whooo, it is really coming down.
Whats coming down? The Liberace marquee at Caesars Palace.
Rain! Rain, Rose! Where is that idiot Stan? Angelo will be here any minute.
I dont know where he is.
Stans always late.
He was late for our first date.
And then you were late.
[Doorbell rings.]
Which is why you had to marry that stupid, lazy, no-good, pinhead of a prince.
This man is a prince.
Come in, Stan.
Im sorry Im late.
The rain really tied up the traffic.
Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Papa Bears back in the cave.
I could vomit just looking at you.
[Doorbell rings.]
That must be Angelo.
You two go put the back.
He cant see you here.
Go ahead.
Go.
Go.
Angelo! Sophia! You look terrific.
You havent changed a bit in 40 years.
Angelo, youre a priest.
You shouldnt lie.
Dont worry about it.
Dont worry about it.
Before the trip, I said an extra 50 Hail Marys in case I felt like a-cutting a-loose.
Dorothy! Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you.
Dorothy, you know something? You look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.
You just used up all 50 Hail Marys on that one.
Stanley, youre still a funny guy.
You got a sense of humor still, huh? He still make you laugh? Not really.
But then again, I havent seen him naked lately.
Would you listen to those two.
Always with the quips.
So, tell me, how are the children? Oh, Uncle Angelo, theyre all grown up.
How nice.
Kate is an interior decorator in New York, and Michael is a very successful musician.
Michael didnt want go in the novelty business with me.
Yes.
It was a crushing blow when he decided to join the Boston Philharmonic instead of selling rubber dog poop door-to-door.
Dont knock the novelty business, snookums.
Rubber dog poop and joy buzzers provided nicely for you, the kids And several stewardesses.
Stewardesses? Uh, they adopted them.
After Asian babies, theyre the most popular.
Ma, could I please see you in the kitchen? Hurry back, Mama Bear.
Papa Bear gets lonely without you.
Ow! Things are going very nicely.
I am going to tell Uncle Angelo the truth.
Its only for a couple of hours more.
I cant do it.
Pretending were married, acting as though nothing happened is making me crazy.
Its time to take my heart medicine.
You need water to take your pill? No pills.
Ill take a shpt of Scotch, 12 years old, if youve got it.
Uncle Angelo, I have a confession to make.
Good.
I get my Scotch, and we go in the closet.
No, its about Stan and me.
You know something, Dorothy? On your wedding day, Sophia told me, she said your marriage is never gonna last.
That made me very sad.
And now I see you and Stan so happy after all these years, it does an old mans heart good.
And so does-a that.
Uncle Angelo Im so glad I disobeyed doctors orders and risked this long trip to see the both of you so much in love.
Now, what were you saying? Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say Well, dont just stand there, Papa Bear.
Come give Mama Bear a big bear hug.
Can I get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo? - No, thank you.
- Ill take a slice, darling.
No problem, sweetheart.
Hurry back, dumpling.
My feet have wings, barf bag.
Dorothy, please, hang in there.
A little while longer, Angelo will be on a plane for Brooklyn.
I wish I'd taken my raincoat.
Why are you two dressed like that? These are our costumes for the play, Dorothy.
We were in the middle of rehearsal when they told us to go home.
Theres a hurricane heading for Miami.
I will take a slice of cake.
Hello.
Uncle Angelo, Id, uh, like you to meet, uh uh Im Sister Rose.
How do you do? Nice to meet you.
- Im Sister Blanche.
- Glad to meet you.
Were here, uh, collecting lingerie for needy sexy people.
The airports are closed.
Theres a hurricane headed this way.
They want everyone to stay where they are.
That means we could be trapped together for days.
Oh, Jesus! Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need.
Amen.
Boy, its really coming down put there.
I've never been through a hurricane before.
Theres nothing to be afraid of.
Ive been through hurricanes.
Actually, they could be kind of fun.
I remember one when I was married.
- Married? - Mary.
I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent.
Remember that, Sister Rose? Oh, my, yes.
Sister Blanche is quite an actress.
Shed have to be to make anyone believe she was a virgin.
Stanley, youre a pig in a cheap suit.
- You know, for two cents - You could get a better toupee? Ive had enough.
Im not going on with this anymore.
Angelo, look.
St.
Francis of Assisi.
Shut up and play ball, you yutz.
False alarm.
Never mind.
Lets all go to bed.
Angelo, you can sleep in my room.
Well, wont it be crowded? Please.
In Sicily, we slept four in a bed.
Yeah, but theres six of us.
I meant just you and me.
Oh-hp! Fancy.
[Dorothy.]
Oh, come on.
Lets go to bed.
Yeah.
Im beat.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
Me, too.
- [Stan.]
Ow! - [Door slams.]
[Knocking.]
Who is it? Its Uncle Angelo.
Come in.
Dorothy, would you do me a favor? Oh, of course, Uncle Angelo.
Anything.
I want you to sleep with this man.
Forget it.
Please, Im a-begging you as a man of the cloth.
Now I know how Jessica Hahn must have felt.
Look, Im sorry, Uncle Angelo.
We had a fight.
I know, and I wanna go to bed.
So you two kids, please make up.
Fine.
Fine.
Were made up.
Thank you.
Good night.
Sweet dreams.
[Clears throat.]
I know its been a while, but control yourself.
I need some rest.
- What is that for? - Youre not getting into this bed.
- Where am I supposed to sleep? - On the floor like any dog.
Fine.
Stan Zbornak doesnt have to beg a woman to get into bed.
Women come to me.
Yeah.
After they get the approval number on your MasterCard.
- Good night.
- Oh, shut up.
[Laughing.]
Stanley, if youre doing what I think youre doing, youre in big trouble.
I was remembering the first time you kicked me put of bed and I had to sleep on the floor.
Emil Zuntz's Hidden Honeymoon Hideaway in the Poconos.
Where every cottage is April in Paris.
And every bathroom Calcutta in July.
[Stan laughing.]
You remember how I convinced you to let me back in? No.
(music) I've got a (music) Crush on you (music) Sweetie pie (music) All the day and nighttime (music) Hear me sigh (music) Stanley Zbornak, I dont believe that youre trying to charm me.
- Is it working? - I dont think so.
You leave me no choice.
Ill have to pull put the big gun.
Youre wasting your time, Stanley.
Im familiar with the big gun.
Here goes.
(music) Embrace me (music) My sweet embraceable you (music) Embrace me (music) You irreplaceable you (music) Dorothy! Dorothy, I just had a terrible nightmare.
- Ma, what was it? - This.
Break it up.
Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall.
Try to climb over me, and youll know what barb wire between your legs feels like.
Gotcha.
Dorothy, how did this start? - Cole Porter? - Gershwin.
Thank God I came in time.
- [Phone rings.]
- Ill get it.
Hello.
Hi, Walter.
How are you? Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat, too.
Oh! Walter, you naughty boy.
Keep on talking.
What am I wearing? Well, to be perfectly honest, a nuns outfit.
Oh! That sounds good to me.
Uh-huh.
Ill be over there just as soon as this storm lets up.
Uh-huh.
Hes a leper.
Im the only one who'll touch him.
Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.
- Ill make breakfast.
Its such a shame, you two stuck here on your 40th anniversary.
- Stuck with us.
- Fortieth anniversary? Sure.
Todays the 25th, isnt it? Yes.
Yeah, I guess it is.
I remember when my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary.
They did the cutest thing.
They renewed their marriage vows.
You two should do that.
Youve got a priest right here.
Itll be perfect.
Its sweet.
Its romantic.
Its spontaneous.
Its the dumbest idea I've ever had.
I think its a great idea.
- What? - What? Snookums, could I see you in the living room? Sure.
What the hell is wrong with you? Are you put of your mind? Dorothy, just hear me put.
The last two days, you and me being here brought back a lot of good memories.
Last night when you and I were in bed together, I felt something.
That was my mothers knee.
Besides that.
There was still some of the old magic there.
Look, I know we loused things up the last time.
I loused things up.
But now we have a chance to give it another try.
Babe, I missed you.
I wanna go through with the ceremony.
Then well go down to city hall and make it legal.
- Stan - Dorothy, its fate.
Divine intervention.
The hurricane.
Us pretending were married.
If God didnt want us together, he would never have sent a priest.
Im not a priest.
Angelo, what do you mean youre not a priest? I cannot go on with this deception any longer.
I cant marry you.
Im not a priest.
I never was.
Uncle Angelo, what are you talking about? I gotta sit down.
Let me tell you a story.
Picture it: Sicily, 1914.
I promised our dear sainted mother on her deathbed Im-a gonna join the priesthood.
On my way to the seminary in Palermo, I stop off in a local trattoria for a glass of Chianti.
The waitress bring drink to the table is a vision.
Luscious lips, full bosom and a behind so round, so firm, you got to fall down on your knees and cry put at its magnificent regal beauty.
Im a butt man.
Anyway, my devotion to God doesnt waver.
But suddenly, the idea of living with a bunch of guys in itchy robes doesnt seem quite as appealing as that tuckus.
So I tear up my priest application, ask Filomena to marry me, and we lived the next 72 years in wedded bliss.
Why did you keep it a secret all these years? I was afraid my family gonna turn on me they find put I broke a promise to Mama on her deathbed.
I promised Mama Id marry Benito, the towns organ grinder monkey hat manufacturer.
- And you didnt do it? - Please.
I loved my mother dearly, but I had my own life to live.
You did, too, Angelo.
- Can you ever forgive me? - Oh, of course, Uncle Angelo.
Actually, weve all been deceitful, too.
Stanley and I are divorced.
I hope youre not disappointed.
No.
Im thrilled.
I never liked him.
Hes a yutz.
And were not really nuns.
Were actually gorgeous private citizens.
- Now Im confused.
- Come to the kitchen.
Ill fix you some breakfast and explain the whole thing.
Look, everybody.
The storms letting up.
Im gonna run right over to Walters.
Arent you gonna change? No.
Its still pretty windy.
Im gonna go outside and see if I can get airborne.
Well, Id better get going, too.
Uh, Stan.
About what you said.
Hey, Dorothy, uh, I was kidding.
It was a joke.
Thats what I figured.
Well, you didnt think I meant it, did you? - Well, no.
Of course not.
- Of course not.
I'm strictly cheerleaders, wild parties, and hot tubs.
Stan, before I forget, a deals a deal.
Heres your 50.
Thats okay, Sophia.
This one's on the house.
Pull yourself together, pussycat.
Gershwin confused a lot of people.
Ooh, what you making? Lasagna al forno.
Smells delicious.
Yeah.
My great Aunt Nicolinda used to say, "Making lasagna al forno is like crossing a river.
"If you roll up your pants, dont be surprised if you find clams nipping at your heels.
" - Whatd she mean? - How should I know? She was a hopeless alcoholic.
- Here.
Have a taste.
- Ooh.
Hi, girls.
How did the audition for the play go? Awful.
We just got two tiny parts.
Were doing Sound of Music, and Blanche didnt get the lead.
I cant believe you werent cast in the lead.
Youve gotten it the past five years.
They hired a new director, and he has no taste.
Blanche used to sleep with the old one.
The new directors gay.
A gay theater director.
Did you ever hear of such a thing? Its absolutely shocking.
Next thing you know theyll have black basketball players in the NBA.
Ma, you are making lasagna al forno.
What is the occasion? Theres no occasion.
I just know its your favorite.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- I'll get it.
This takes 12 hours to make.
What do you want? Nothing.
And it takes 16.
The only time you make lasagna al forno is for funerals and favors.
Youre not wearing black, so what do you want? Nothing.
Dorothy, youre a sick, suspicious, paranoid person.
Stan, my favorite ex-son-in-law.
Oh! God! Stanley, what the hell are you doing here? Dont talk to him like that.
I invited him.
- What? - I love your toupee, Stanley.
- Is it new? - Yeah.
The guy at the shop calls it the Dan Rather model.
You think it makes me look more intellectual? Oh, absolutely.
By the way, Stanley, your fly is open.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Dont worry about it.
I hear that Dan Rather has the same problem.
Thats why he sits behind a desk.
Ma, listen, I want some answers.
Now, why did you prepare my favorite meal and then invite my least favorite person to come eat it with us? All right.
All right.
I need a favor.
Remember my brother Angelo? He was at your wedding.
Hes a priest who lives in Sicily.
Hes going to Brooklyn next week and insisted on stopping off in Miami one day to wish you two a happy 40th wedding anniversary.
But were not married anymore.
Which brings me to the lasagna al forno.
I want you to pretend youre still married and that were all living here.
I will not take part.
The institution of marriage is sacred.
- Ill give you 50 bucks.
- Okay.
Dorothy, its only for one afternoon.
Itll break your uncles heart if youre divorced.
Ma, forget it.
Were divorced because Stanley cheated on me.
He is a loathsome, repulsive creature.
Even the thought of pretending to be married makes me ill.
Fine, but I'm still staying for dinner.
If you dont do this, I'll never speak to you again.
- I dont care.
- Ill invite Stan over every night.
How bad can it be? Its just for the day.
Blanche, I just pressed our costumes.
Im nervous about the rehearsal tonight.
What do you say we go over our lines again.
Sure.
Can we take it from the top of scene three? Im standing on the balcony of the von Trapp home listening to artillery shells bursting in the distance, and you come running on from upstage.
- Okay.
You ready? - Yes.
The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming! Everybody, grab a gun and go in the basement! Come on! Move.
No, no, no, no.
Sophia, now, just relax.
Were just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.
Oh, thank God.
Whooo, it is really coming down.
Whats coming down? The Liberace marquee at Caesars Palace.
Rain! Rain, Rose! Where is that idiot Stan? Angelo will be here any minute.
I dont know where he is.
Stans always late.
He was late for our first date.
And then you were late.
[Doorbell rings.]
Which is why you had to marry that stupid, lazy, no-good, pinhead of a prince.
This man is a prince.
Come in, Stan.
Im sorry Im late.
The rain really tied up the traffic.
Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello, Mama Bear.
Papa Bears back in the cave.
I could vomit just looking at you.
[Doorbell rings.]
That must be Angelo.
You two go put the back.
He cant see you here.
Go ahead.
Go.
Go.
Angelo! Sophia! You look terrific.
You havent changed a bit in 40 years.
Angelo, youre a priest.
You shouldnt lie.
Dont worry about it.
Dont worry about it.
Before the trip, I said an extra 50 Hail Marys in case I felt like a-cutting a-loose.
Dorothy! Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you.
Dorothy, you know something? You look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.
You just used up all 50 Hail Marys on that one.
Stanley, youre still a funny guy.
You got a sense of humor still, huh? He still make you laugh? Not really.
But then again, I havent seen him naked lately.
Would you listen to those two.
Always with the quips.
So, tell me, how are the children? Oh, Uncle Angelo, theyre all grown up.
How nice.
Kate is an interior decorator in New York, and Michael is a very successful musician.
Michael didnt want go in the novelty business with me.
Yes.
It was a crushing blow when he decided to join the Boston Philharmonic instead of selling rubber dog poop door-to-door.
Dont knock the novelty business, snookums.
Rubber dog poop and joy buzzers provided nicely for you, the kids And several stewardesses.
Stewardesses? Uh, they adopted them.
After Asian babies, theyre the most popular.
Ma, could I please see you in the kitchen? Hurry back, Mama Bear.
Papa Bear gets lonely without you.
Ow! Things are going very nicely.
I am going to tell Uncle Angelo the truth.
Its only for a couple of hours more.
I cant do it.
Pretending were married, acting as though nothing happened is making me crazy.
Its time to take my heart medicine.
You need water to take your pill? No pills.
Ill take a shpt of Scotch, 12 years old, if youve got it.
Uncle Angelo, I have a confession to make.
Good.
I get my Scotch, and we go in the closet.
No, its about Stan and me.
You know something, Dorothy? On your wedding day, Sophia told me, she said your marriage is never gonna last.
That made me very sad.
And now I see you and Stan so happy after all these years, it does an old mans heart good.
And so does-a that.
Uncle Angelo Im so glad I disobeyed doctors orders and risked this long trip to see the both of you so much in love.
Now, what were you saying? Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say Well, dont just stand there, Papa Bear.
Come give Mama Bear a big bear hug.
Can I get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo? - No, thank you.
- Ill take a slice, darling.
No problem, sweetheart.
Hurry back, dumpling.
My feet have wings, barf bag.
Dorothy, please, hang in there.
A little while longer, Angelo will be on a plane for Brooklyn.
I wish I'd taken my raincoat.
Why are you two dressed like that? These are our costumes for the play, Dorothy.
We were in the middle of rehearsal when they told us to go home.
Theres a hurricane heading for Miami.
I will take a slice of cake.
Hello.
Uncle Angelo, Id, uh, like you to meet, uh uh Im Sister Rose.
How do you do? Nice to meet you.
- Im Sister Blanche.
- Glad to meet you.
Were here, uh, collecting lingerie for needy sexy people.
The airports are closed.
Theres a hurricane headed this way.
They want everyone to stay where they are.
That means we could be trapped together for days.
Oh, Jesus! Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need.
Amen.
Boy, its really coming down put there.
I've never been through a hurricane before.
Theres nothing to be afraid of.
Ive been through hurricanes.
Actually, they could be kind of fun.
I remember one when I was married.
- Married? - Mary.
I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent.
Remember that, Sister Rose? Oh, my, yes.
Sister Blanche is quite an actress.
Shed have to be to make anyone believe she was a virgin.
Stanley, youre a pig in a cheap suit.
- You know, for two cents - You could get a better toupee? Ive had enough.
Im not going on with this anymore.
Angelo, look.
St.
Francis of Assisi.
Shut up and play ball, you yutz.
False alarm.
Never mind.
Lets all go to bed.
Angelo, you can sleep in my room.
Well, wont it be crowded? Please.
In Sicily, we slept four in a bed.
Yeah, but theres six of us.
I meant just you and me.
Oh-hp! Fancy.
[Dorothy.]
Oh, come on.
Lets go to bed.
Yeah.
Im beat.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
Me, too.
- [Stan.]
Ow! - [Door slams.]
[Knocking.]
Who is it? Its Uncle Angelo.
Come in.
Dorothy, would you do me a favor? Oh, of course, Uncle Angelo.
Anything.
I want you to sleep with this man.
Forget it.
Please, Im a-begging you as a man of the cloth.
Now I know how Jessica Hahn must have felt.
Look, Im sorry, Uncle Angelo.
We had a fight.
I know, and I wanna go to bed.
So you two kids, please make up.
Fine.
Fine.
Were made up.
Thank you.
Good night.
Sweet dreams.
[Clears throat.]
I know its been a while, but control yourself.
I need some rest.
- What is that for? - Youre not getting into this bed.
- Where am I supposed to sleep? - On the floor like any dog.
Fine.
Stan Zbornak doesnt have to beg a woman to get into bed.
Women come to me.
Yeah.
After they get the approval number on your MasterCard.
- Good night.
- Oh, shut up.
[Laughing.]
Stanley, if youre doing what I think youre doing, youre in big trouble.
I was remembering the first time you kicked me put of bed and I had to sleep on the floor.
Emil Zuntz's Hidden Honeymoon Hideaway in the Poconos.
Where every cottage is April in Paris.
And every bathroom Calcutta in July.
[Stan laughing.]
You remember how I convinced you to let me back in? No.
(music) I've got a (music) Crush on you (music) Sweetie pie (music) All the day and nighttime (music) Hear me sigh (music) Stanley Zbornak, I dont believe that youre trying to charm me.
- Is it working? - I dont think so.
You leave me no choice.
Ill have to pull put the big gun.
Youre wasting your time, Stanley.
Im familiar with the big gun.
Here goes.
(music) Embrace me (music) My sweet embraceable you (music) Embrace me (music) You irreplaceable you (music) Dorothy! Dorothy, I just had a terrible nightmare.
- Ma, what was it? - This.
Break it up.
Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall.
Try to climb over me, and youll know what barb wire between your legs feels like.
Gotcha.
Dorothy, how did this start? - Cole Porter? - Gershwin.
Thank God I came in time.
- [Phone rings.]
- Ill get it.
Hello.
Hi, Walter.
How are you? Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat, too.
Oh! Walter, you naughty boy.
Keep on talking.
What am I wearing? Well, to be perfectly honest, a nuns outfit.
Oh! That sounds good to me.
Uh-huh.
Ill be over there just as soon as this storm lets up.
Uh-huh.
Hes a leper.
Im the only one who'll touch him.
Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.
- Ill make breakfast.
Its such a shame, you two stuck here on your 40th anniversary.
- Stuck with us.
- Fortieth anniversary? Sure.
Todays the 25th, isnt it? Yes.
Yeah, I guess it is.
I remember when my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary.
They did the cutest thing.
They renewed their marriage vows.
You two should do that.
Youve got a priest right here.
Itll be perfect.
Its sweet.
Its romantic.
Its spontaneous.
Its the dumbest idea I've ever had.
I think its a great idea.
- What? - What? Snookums, could I see you in the living room? Sure.
What the hell is wrong with you? Are you put of your mind? Dorothy, just hear me put.
The last two days, you and me being here brought back a lot of good memories.
Last night when you and I were in bed together, I felt something.
That was my mothers knee.
Besides that.
There was still some of the old magic there.
Look, I know we loused things up the last time.
I loused things up.
But now we have a chance to give it another try.
Babe, I missed you.
I wanna go through with the ceremony.
Then well go down to city hall and make it legal.
- Stan - Dorothy, its fate.
Divine intervention.
The hurricane.
Us pretending were married.
If God didnt want us together, he would never have sent a priest.
Im not a priest.
Angelo, what do you mean youre not a priest? I cannot go on with this deception any longer.
I cant marry you.
Im not a priest.
I never was.
Uncle Angelo, what are you talking about? I gotta sit down.
Let me tell you a story.
Picture it: Sicily, 1914.
I promised our dear sainted mother on her deathbed Im-a gonna join the priesthood.
On my way to the seminary in Palermo, I stop off in a local trattoria for a glass of Chianti.
The waitress bring drink to the table is a vision.
Luscious lips, full bosom and a behind so round, so firm, you got to fall down on your knees and cry put at its magnificent regal beauty.
Im a butt man.
Anyway, my devotion to God doesnt waver.
But suddenly, the idea of living with a bunch of guys in itchy robes doesnt seem quite as appealing as that tuckus.
So I tear up my priest application, ask Filomena to marry me, and we lived the next 72 years in wedded bliss.
Why did you keep it a secret all these years? I was afraid my family gonna turn on me they find put I broke a promise to Mama on her deathbed.
I promised Mama Id marry Benito, the towns organ grinder monkey hat manufacturer.
- And you didnt do it? - Please.
I loved my mother dearly, but I had my own life to live.
You did, too, Angelo.
- Can you ever forgive me? - Oh, of course, Uncle Angelo.
Actually, weve all been deceitful, too.
Stanley and I are divorced.
I hope youre not disappointed.
No.
Im thrilled.
I never liked him.
Hes a yutz.
And were not really nuns.
Were actually gorgeous private citizens.
- Now Im confused.
- Come to the kitchen.
Ill fix you some breakfast and explain the whole thing.
Look, everybody.
The storms letting up.
Im gonna run right over to Walters.
Arent you gonna change? No.
Its still pretty windy.
Im gonna go outside and see if I can get airborne.
Well, Id better get going, too.
Uh, Stan.
About what you said.
Hey, Dorothy, uh, I was kidding.
It was a joke.
Thats what I figured.
Well, you didnt think I meant it, did you? - Well, no.
Of course not.
- Of course not.
I'm strictly cheerleaders, wild parties, and hot tubs.
Stan, before I forget, a deals a deal.
Heres your 50.
Thats okay, Sophia.
This one's on the house.
Pull yourself together, pussycat.
Gershwin confused a lot of people.