The Middle s03e17 Episode Script

There's something comforting about a morning routine.
It just sets the tone for the whole day.
Get up! It's 7:30, people! Okay, I get it! Oh, come on.
Why are you just standing there? I'm taking a minute.
No more minutes! Did you pack your backpack last night before bed like I told you? I told you I did.
Then what did I put yogurt in? Yogurt.
Axl? It's 7:37.
Ew! Calm it down, mom.
I don't need a babysitter.
No, you need an exterminator! Did I not tell you to clean this room? Things are hatching in this place.
Brick, did you bring home the coffee maker we took to school for teacher appreciation day? Um "Um," what? "Um," you forgot? I stole that from work, Brick.
I've been telling you to bring it home all week.
Fine, I'll bring the coffeemaker home.
Is that what you want me to say? No, that's what I want you to do.
Just do it.
Axl! I'm right here.
Have you even started your book report on this? You know, you have practice later.
- You're not gonna have time-- - Why are you all up in my business? God.
It's like you're stalking me.
No.
Stalking is following someone you're a fan of.
I'm not a fan of yours right now.
Sue, where's your coat? You lost your coat again, didn't you? I'm pretty sure I'll find it today.
Yeah, well, you better, because I'm not buying you another one.
No more coats, and that goes for the rest of you, too.
- What? - What did we do? I don't like the way this morning's going.
Everyone keeps forgetting everything all the time.
No more coats for anybody.
- And no more big drinks at the movies! - You can't do that.
That-- - Yes, I can.
- That has nothing to do with this! - Okay, Brick, what are you bringing home from school? - Um - Axl, could you grab my homework? - Just 'cause Sue forgets her stupid jacket - That's not what it is.
- Doesn't mean I can't get a soda at the movies.
- Give me your arm.
- Hey, hey.
I'm probably gonna find it, okay? - "Coffeepot.
" - Get out, get out, get out? - Can't tell me not to get a soda.
- Okay? Do not forget that coffeepot! I can't believe you forgot that coffeepot.
Is it really that surprising? You know what would be surprising? If you got in your pj's and went to bed.
Hey, no, no, no.
No tv till you finish that book report.
What? Don't talk back, or it's no tv ever.
Sue, where's your coat? I found it at school.
And you left it in the restaurant.
Go put it away and do your homework.
Oh, my God! What are you doing? I'm making eggs! You just ate four hamburgers seven minutes ago! Go read your book! Did I not tell you to get your pj's on? I never got my good night kiss.
Everybody said they wanted to go to bronco burger, and I told you if we go to bronco burger, you lose your snuggle time.
- I'm not kissing anybody good night.
- No more kisses.
- Go to bed! - You heard her.
In fact, I don't like the way this night is going.
Everybody go to bed.
- What?! - Why do we have to go to bed? Because I said so.
From now on, everybody goes to bed right after dinner.
And no more dessert ever! Why are we always so tired? I can think of three reasons.
Is it just me, or are they worse than usual lately? Oh, they're worse, which is hard to believe, 'cause they weren't that great to begin with.
I just feel like I'm on them constantly.
They don't listen, they don't read their arms When I was a kid, your mom wrote something on your arm, you damn well read it.
I think tomorrow, we have to sit them down and have a serious talk.
I mean, look at us.
We're exhausted.
We look horrible.
It's depressing.
We're sad, sad people.
Don't get me wrong.
I love our kids.
- I mean, I adore our kids, but-- - I need my stuff, Axl! - I don't care! - Go to bed! Is Celebrity Rehab really not coming back at all? They canceled it? Yep.
Oh, my God.
I'm not just upset for us, but seriously, Mike, where are those celebrities gonna go? They need help.
Mom.
Dad.
Can we talk to you guys for a minute? Okay.
Why don't we all go in the family room? I think we'll be more comfortable there.
Please sit down.
Okay, the three of us have been talking, and we're really not feeling very good about the way things have been going around here lately.
It seems like there's been a lot of strife and stress and unnecessary discord.
And that's why we wanted to sit you down and have a word with you, 'cause seriously You guys are out of control.
- Wait.
- What? "Sit us down"? You're sitting us down? Nobody sits me down.
Okay, wait, wait.
What's happening here? I told you they'd freak out.
This doesn't need to be confrontational.
Please, please Sit back down.
Fine.
I will sit down.
Because my knee is bothering me, not 'cause they asked me to.
Go on.
Here's the thing.
Mom "Here's the thing, mom"? Oh, it's me we're sitting down about? Let her finish.
Mom, it just seems like you're nagging us all the time lately.
Oh.
I see.
That's how it seems? Yeah, it's like you tell us what to do before we even have a chance to do it ourselves.
Oh, really? Is that what it's like? She's shutting down, Axl.
I told you she'd shut down.
I'm not shutting down.
I am listening openly to your terrific tips for parenting you're sending my way.
You really think I like nagging you? I think you do.
I think it gives you a weird rush.
It's true.
You live to nag.
You're a nag-oholic.
Well, you're a don't-do- what-you're-supposed-to-oholic.
I think if you did a survey of other moms, you would find that in the world of nag, I'm not that bad.
Oh, and, dad, your problem is you're always giving out these crazy punishments without even hearing our side of things.
Sue's not allowed to have a friend over till she's 35.
- I never said that.
- Brick.
Can you please read the minutes from our last meeting? Last Thursday, Sue and Carly took the batteries out of your remote and put them in their karaoke machine, and you said, quote, "no more friends over for 20 years," end quote.
You have meetings? Hey, we're not just out in the yard, breaking rocks.
We're in the prison library, trying to figure out a way to bust out of this joint.
We want to bust out of this joint.
We were gonna sit you down.
Well, then, clearly, the situation isn't really working for any of us.
We feel like if you guys just give us a chance to do what we're supposed to do, on our own, you might get more of the results you're looking for.
And aren't you guys always talking about when you were kids, nobody was checking in on you every minute of the day? And you guys turned out fine.
First of all, we did not turn out fine.
Secondly, don't use our arguments against us.
Look, we've put a lot of thought into this.
All we're asking is for you to go and consider what we've said and get back to us.
That's all.
You may go.
Hmm.
I thought that went well.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- Mm.
What the hell just happened out there? I don't know.
I'd like to get a beer, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed out of my room.
They've got a lot of nerve, talking to me like that.
You know, it wouldn't have killed you to jump in and defend me.
They had notes.
I was confused.
Did our kids just sit us down? I can't believe they sat us down.
They did not sit me down.
I sat down 'cause of my knee.
I mean, come on.
I'm a nag, and you punish them too much? - What is that? - I don't recall asking for their opinion.
This is my house.
There's only one opinion that matters-- Mine.
And yours.
But then again What are they really asking for? I mean, think about it a second.
I'm not in the mood to think.
Just tell me what you mean.
Well, basically, what they're asking is for us to let them be more responsible, right? And isn't that exactly what we want? Could be less work for us.
Everybody sit down.
We're already sitting.
Damn right, you are.
Now your mom and I have been talking, and we decided to allow you the opportunity to show us that you can be more responsible.
Not because of what you said.
We were gonna do something very similar to this before you ever talked to us.
Wait, so you're really gonna stop with the nagging and let us do this? We are, but you're gonna have to get yourselves up in the morning, take care of your own teeth, do your book reports, not lose your coat Uh, mom? You're kind of nagging us right now.
The point is We're gonna trust you, but if you kids can't handle the responsibility, deal's off.
Okay, then.
That's it.
You may go.
We were kind of planning on hanging out here if that's okay.
It is not.
So the new deal was on, and to our surprise, our kids wowed us with their amazing non-incompetence.
One, two, three, four.
And a left.
One, two, three, four.
And clap.
One, two, three, four.
Now flip around.
One Why is Axl reading, and Sue's coat's there? I know.
Weird, right? I have had the most delightful afternoon.
- And see the bowl in the sink? - Mm.
Axl put it there.
- No way.
- Way.
I saw it with my own two eyes.
It was like a bigfoot sighting.
One, two, three, four.
And then clap.
Hi, Axl.
Three, four, two, three I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll see you on my way back.
Two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
And then left.
One, two, three, four.
Hey.
Why did you bring weird Ashley into my house? That chick's a big bowl of wacko.
I'm having practice here, Axl, so I have extra time to do my homework so I can talk to my boyfriend on the phone tonight.
Now why don't you get out of my beeswax and worry about your own beeswax? Sorry you guys had to see that, but he can be such a pain.
I totally get it.
Well, this doesn't suck.
Mm-hmm.
With us relieved of our parental duties, Mike and I were free to really enjoy each other's company.
Now is that guy in the army, or is he a detective? Both.
Oh.
You know he's married to mindy from "Mork & Mindy"? Mm.
I saw him in a movie on cable the other day.
He played a cop or a chef, and it was with that guy.
You know? You like him.
He's got three names.
"Something something something.
" Michael Jessie Carson or Corey Jessie Michaels? - Or maybe not.
Anyway, you like him.
- Did you check his alibi yet? Hey.
Since the kids are out of our hair at the moment, you know what could be fun? Ugh.
Okay, but I gotta warn you, I didn't shave my legs.
Yeah, I know.
I'm talking about bowling.
Oh.
So Mike and I went bowling and left the family at home.
I'm telling you, those duggars have it right.
Let the kids police each other.
Is it just me, or is it oddly peaceful around here without mom and dad? We should really consider getting our own apartment.
If you think about it, what purpose do they really serve? Just something to chew on.
Hmm.
What are you doing? Uh, okay, I don't want to alarm anybody, but I can't seem to find my coat.
What? Sue, if you lost that coat, you're gonna blow this sweet deal for everybody.
We told mom and dad we could take care of ourselves! All right.
Relax.
Don't you tell me to relax, Sue! I like what's going on here! I like mom and dad not talking to us! I might have left it at Joe's Subs.
- Can you drive me there? - No can do.
I gotta finish reading my book.
It's, like, 200 pages.
Well, how many pages do you have left? Axl, you have to take me to find it.
I con't.
What does that mean? I can, but won't.
If mom sees I don't have my coat, this whole thing is gonna crack wide open.
Well, if I don't finish this book, this whole thing's gonna crack wide open.
So what do we do? "'Of Mice And Men,' by John Steinbeck.
' "a few miles south of Soledad, the Salinas river drops in close to the hillside--" You can't read every word.
Just give me the highlights.
And keep an ear out for when the mice come in.
I think they're gonna be important.
Wait.
I didn't go to Joe's Subs today.
That was yesterday! - Sue! - Oh, I'm sorry! I'm trying to think where it could be.
Stop pressuring me! Okay, there's these two guys, George and his big friend, Lennie, who are looking for work.
Lennie's carrying a cute, little mouse.
Oh.
Check that.
A dead mouse.
He snapped its neck.
Ha.
The mouse.
Knew there'd be a mouse.
Mm.
Wait.
I remember! I left my coat in my locker! Whoo! Look at us having fun.
I know.
We have personalities.
Who knew? It's 'cause we're not using up all our energy on the kids.
I like us without kids.
Mm.
Me, too.
Why did we have them, again? I think it was mostly for tax purposes.
Yeah.
Mm.
I like this side of you.
Oh, no.
You like this side of me.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Lennie and George just got a job at a ranch.
They're meeting a guy named Curley, and Lennie is making friends with Curley's wife.
Oh, good.
He found a friend.
Oh, my gosh.
I didn't believe in myself, but after reading your poster, I totally do.
Thanks, Sue.
Shut up, Axl.
Come on.
Get your coat, and let's get out of here.
I really thought it was in there.
Maybe someone stole it.
Yeah, there's a band of nerds running around stealing nerd jackets, selling 'em to nerds in Russia.
You gotta be more responsible.
Brick! Read my book! Aw, somebody at the ranch is giving Lennie a puppy And he just killed it.
- What?! - Don't worry about the puppy.
Worry about the coat.
Okay, okay, let me backtrack.
Uh I had it when I went to school, and then when I got to school, I stopped to watch the cafeteria lady make dough.
Then I was in the main hallway and checked the bulletin board to see if the principal had posted any new updates I should be aware of, and then I tied my shoe.
Oh, my God.
Your day is so boring.
Maybe your coat ran away from you.
Okay, they're back at the ranch, and Lennie is on the bed.
The bed! That's it! I left my coat on weird Ashley's bed after school! Turn around! Ugh.
No way.
I am not going over there.
That chick creeps me out.
Lennie's freaking out because he killed the puppy.
Now Curley's wife is trying to calm him down.
She's letting him stroke her hair.
It's working.
He's calming down.
Oh, he just snapped her neck.
Ooh.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, it can't be snowing.
Then mom for sure will notice if I'm not wearing my coat tomorrow.
We have to go to Ashley's.
Fine! All right, here we go.
Nice.
Two.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - Not bad, right? - That's great.
That's my girl.
Very good.
Hoo.
All right.
Watch this now.
Okay.
Hi.
- Hey.
- You know, my wife and I were talking, and, uh, you guys look like you're about our age, but you're having so much fun.
- Dad! - Get more quarters from your mom.
Are you on a first date or something? I've been married 19 years and have 3 kids.
Then who's she married to? I don't remember seeing your coat, but you can go check in my room, but don't open the black box.
Okay.
Thanks, Ashley.
Uh-- Hi, Axl.
Do you want to use my bathroom, since I used yours? No, thanks.
How are your sports doing? They're fine.
Isn't this the season where you play with the round ball? It's called basketball.
Right, 'cause sometimes I see you playing with an oblong ball.
Other times, you're playing with a small ball and a stick.
Yep.
You were playing with a small ball when we went to prom last year.
Yeah.
I had a really good time.
Uh-huh.
We should do that again.
Yeah, yeah, we should.
Great.
Mom! Axl just asked me to prom with him! Wait, what? That's not what I was-- Uh, the coat's not there, and I looked in the black box.
- Let's go.
- Uh-- My mom will call your mom to find out what color cape I should wear.
Mm-hmm.
How did I ask weird Ashley to prom again? How?! Good news.
Lennie just escaped.
She must have put some kind of spell on me.
I bet she took one of my hairs from our bathroom.
Now Curley's organizing a mob, and they're going after him.
She's the weirdest girl in school and probably a witch, and now I'm going to prom with her, two years in a row.
I might as well just marry her and get it over with, 'cause it's not like I've got a choice in the matter.
He and George are hiding by a pond.
Lennie's flipping out, but George is telling him about the rabbits.
He says they're going to live on a farm and raise the rabbits.
Lennie's hugging him.
Aw.
Curley and the boys are getting closer.
George is pulling out a gun.
Whoa, he's gonna fight off the bad guys? He just shot Lennie in the back of the head! - What?! - No way.
This shouldn't be called, "Of Mice And Men.
" It should be called, "Of Men Killing Other Men"! Why would he kill his best friend? Maybe he made him drive around looking for his stupid coat, his stupid, third grade, heart-splattered coat.
Oh, the coat with the hearts on it? I know where that is.
What? Seriously, Sue? It's been here the whole time? Brick! This is all your fault! You would have heard us talking about the coat if you didn't have your nose in a stupid book! Ah, gee, I'm sorry if I wasn't listening because I was reading the book that Axl's supposed to read.
Brick's right.
You are totally irresponsible, Axl.
This is why mom nags you! No, mom nags me 'cause every time she looks at my young face, she feels old and gross.
She nags you 'cause you're a stupid coat-losing dork.
Well, we would have found my coat a long time ago if you cleaned this filth hole every once in a while! Oh, you're a mom now? Fine, mom.
I'll clean my room.
Aah! - Aah! The moth went in my ear! Get it out! Get it out! - Aah! Really? - I can hear it flapping! - Ohh.
Ugh.
Everything is gonna be fine, Brick.
If it goes in his brain, he's dead.
What?! Why is this happening to me?! It's Ashley! I told you she was a witch! She turned herself into a moth, and now she's going after my brother! It's burrowing! Just stay calm! I need scissors and matches.
Aah! It's different for everybody.
Yeah, and I'm no expert, but I think the secret to raising good kids is to just give 'em the space to succeed.
Right? When they screw up, just sit 'em down.
Yeah.
Oh.
That's the kids.
Hello? Hey, mom, quick question.
If we had to go to the emergency room, and I'm not saying we do, what would be the best one to go to? Get it out! Get it out! What is in that needs to get out, and where is it? Okay.
Mike, we gotta go.
It was nice meeting you, and forget everything we said.
We don't know a damn thing.
- Is he okay? - Where's Brick? - Oh, I think so.
- It's okay.
The doctor says this kind of stuff happens all the time, so-- Well, that was a first.
Brick, are you all right? Yep, and I get to keep the moth.
I named him "Lennie.
" Oh, and, uh, here's some pencils.
I found a note on his stomach he was supposed to bring some home.
Ohh.
Well, thank you so much.
See? This is why we have to stay on you guys, because if we don't, everything falls apart.
We also found this Monopoly piece in his ear, and, well, from the looks of it, it's been there for a few months.
Ha! That one was on your watch.
What did I tell you when we found the top hat in there? I asked you if there was anything else.
We got a code mom.
I need a nag-ectomy, stat! Hey.
You looking for a punishment? 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, - all of you are grounded until I'm too old to care.
- Yeah.
- No! That's ridiculous.
- Yes, because - Oh, yeah? You want a piece of this? - And I agree with your dad - Now I remember why I put the top hat in there.
- You sat us down, - and then you told us that you could be responsible.
- We were responsible, mom! - We were s-- We were so responsible! - Folks, folks.
Obviously, there's a lot going on here, and that happens when you have a big family.
Why don't you all sit down? When something like this happens, it's common for What the doctor didn't realize was there was no cure for our problem.
Things didn't work when the kids were in charge, but it's not like they worked so great when Mike and I were.
So we all just nodded our heads and acted like what he said was sinking in.
I knew he was just trying to help, but we could have told him Sit-downs never work.