Family Guy s03e18 Episode Script

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Thanks for coming, Lois.
Mark's wanted me|to see his one-man show for weeks.
I think it's wonderful|you're supporting your old pal.
Go long, Eddie.
Go long.
Further.
Further! Ahhh Life was crazy growing up in Brooklyn.
We had some real characters in my|neighbourhood, like Frank the mailman.
(imitates) Hey, Mark.
|The ants for your ant farm came today.
And my friend Lonny - that knucklehead.
(imitates) Yo, Marky! Let's play some b-ball.
B-ball.
That's what we called it.
And my grandma -|boy, was she somethin' else.
(imitates in same voice) Marky,|don't forget to take your cod-liver oil.
What a piece of self-indulgent crap.
|All the characters sounded the same.
- Great show.
|- (same voice) You did me perfectly.
(same voice) Me too.
You are so talented.
That was awful.
With practice|I could act circles around that guy.
Oh, yeah? Well, put up or shut up.
"This Thursday, auditions for|the Quahog School of Performing Arts.
" - You should try out.
|- That's not a bad idea, Lois.
Ready for the best acting|you've seen all night? Mark! Wow, what a journey! Thank you.
|Those three and a half hours just flew by.
Hey, Santos, Pascoal.
You've done such|good work today, I got a surprise for you.
Doritos! Not now.
Later.
(speaking Portuguese) Help! Help! Oh, my God! Thank you.
I was boogie-boarding|and I got sucked out by the riptide.
- I thought I was a dead man.
|- You gotta be starving.
Eat these.
My God! He was just floating|out there by himself? Yep.
He was so grateful,|he invited us all over for dinner tonight.
Good.
I don't have to cook.
Cook anyway and we'll throw it out.
|I don't want you to get rusty.
Peter, my audition's coming up.
|Would you listen to my monologue? Sure, buddy.
Let's hear it.
- Julie, there's somethin' I gotta tell you|- Ha! That's awesome.
Go on.
- Uh tell you.
I saw Dr Philips|- Wow! Yes! Yes! I love it.
Dr Philips today.
|I might not make it to Christmas.
Oh, drop the bomb.
There's not|a dry eye in the house.
Keep goin'.
No.
I'm gonna stop.
|Maybe we'll work on it later.
Well, just so you know, it was good,|but I was also being generous.
Well, you little jaybird! You wanna tell your|mommy and daddy the Griffins are here? (man) Come on in.
Welcome, Griffins.
Oh uh - We must be early.
|- Nonsense.
You're right on time.
Oh, my God! She's got hair growin'|out of her boobs and up to her head.
You're, uh You're completely - Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
|- Permission to freak out.
- Peter, did you know this?|- I thought he lost his bathing suit.
So you're the man who saved|my husband's life.
Dottie Campbell.
- What am I doing? Come here!|- Watch my hands, Lois.
See where they are? No touchie.
This is the back yard.
That's premium|blue-tip Bermuda.
Real hardy, but soft.
- Good Lord.
|- Don't look directly into it, Lois.
The hot dogs and burgers are ready.
|Can I get you a beer, Peter? - What do you got?|- I've got Busch.
Oh, and Busch Light.
- (door closes)|- Sounds like Jeff's home.
- Hey, sport! How'd you do?|- I got first place, Dad.
Way to go, champ.
Jeff plays|varsity tennis for Saint Genevieve High.
- Cool.
|- Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen? Don't get too cocky.
I had a big one|like that when I was your age.
You were a show-off yourself, Dave.
|You brought it out on our first date.
Lois, I'm scared.
Oh, I'll get that.
Hey! Oh, God! Oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, God! - Boobies!|- That's enough.
I'm glad to be out of there.
What those people are doing|just ain't natural.
- Boobies!|- Did you hear me, young man? - What was the big deal? They were nice.
|- Boobies! - Peter.
|- Do it.
- Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?|- Elephants are bigger in person.
- Break a leg up there, Brian.
|- You seem awfully enthusiastic.
At first I wanted you to fail.
But then|I realised you'd be out five days a week, which means I'd be free to throw|some of my sexy parties.
(giggling) - (man) Brian Griffin.
|- Good luck, Brian.
Hi.
I'm Brian Griffin, and this is|from John Waltz's Leaving Wichita.
(sighs) Julie, there's somethin' I gotta tell you.
I saw Dr Philips today.
|I might not make it to Christmas.
- (yawns) Thank you.
Next.
|- Next? Hold on, Brian.
Stay up there.
See here! Brian Griffin is a brilliant actor|with talent and passion.
But you alleged experts|obviously didn't notice.
Well, I did notice.
|I saw a man bare his soul up here.
His pain ran through my heart|like an errant locomotive.
But it was wasted.
Wasted on all of you! Well, it looks like we have to|reconsider.
Brian, we want you - Yes!|off the stage.
But your young friend would be perfect|for our rising-star programme.
Splendid! This calls for a sexy party.
(giggling) OK, funcakes, let's do a scene.
Stewie, how about you and, let's see|one of our veterans Olivia.
I'm not doing a scene with him.
|He's inexperienced.
He'll drag my whole performance down.
Are you serious? Is she serious? OK, Stewie, I'll give you a solo exercise.
You're gonna do an exercise we call|"The Life Cycle".
Without using words, you're gonna act out your entire life|from birth to death as I describe it.
Ready? Lie down.
Now you're being born.
Ready?|And burst through the placenta! Now fast-forward.
It's your first day of school.
|You're alone and scared.
But it's all right.
It's Sloppy Joe day.
Pull it back.
The lady touched the bun|and she's not wearing gloves.
Fast-forward.
You're a businessman,|you manage a lot of people.
Here comes Henderson.
|He lost the big account.
You're mad.
Madder.
Madder! Come on.
Hot, hot.
|There it is.
You got it.
And fast-forward.
You're an old man now.
|You're on your deathbed.
Your son is holding your hand.
|You tell him you accept his lifestyle and regret humiliating him at his sister's|wedding by calling him your other daughter.
And scene.
OK, any comments? You are the weakest link.
Goodbye.
Ha, ha, ha! Oh, gosh, that's funny.
|That's really funny.
Do you write your own material? That is so fresh.
|"You are the weakest link.
Goodbye.
" I've never heard anyone make|that joke before.
You're the first.
I've never heard anyone reference that|outside the programme before.
That's what she says on the show, right?|"You are the weakest link.
Goodbye.
" You've taken that and used it out of context|to insult me in this everyday situation.
What a clever, smart girl you must be to come up with a joke like that|all by yourself.
Mm.
That's so fresh, too.
Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these phenomena|at the height of their popularity? Cos I'm here.
God, you're so funny! - Meg?|- Jeff! Wow, hey! - What are you doing here?|- They had a sale on Super Soakers.
Agh! What the heck? - Nudist!|- My dad's a tailor, you jerk! - Gosh, that's awful.
|- That's all right.
I'm used to it.
I'd better go.
So, um would you|wanna do something sometime? - Sure.
That'd be great.
|- Cool.
I'll call you later.
Holy moly! It must be my birthday.
(no sound from horn) (farts) Thank you.
Thank you.
That was, um "Me Farting" by Chopin.
Thank you.
Thank you very - So, Olivia.
Beautiful day.
|- You're not gonna fart again, are you? Well, I'd love to stay and chat,|but you're a total bitch.
The quarterly review's tomorrow.
|Think your kids will pass? I'll tell you who won't.
|It starts with an O and rhymes with Bolivia.
- Give up? Olivia.
|- Really? She's such a frosty box.
|She won't work with anybody.
Stewie Griffin is also on the fence.
|If he and Olivia don't deliver at their reviews, I'll have to kick their|cute little bottoms out of here.
This table is reserved for people with talent.
Stow the 'tude, queenie.
|You and I have a problem.
Read it and weep.
- "Doesn't work well with others"?|- Mine's no better.
I'll spare you the details, but the phrase|"garden variety" appears a number of times.
- What am I going to do?|- What are we going to do? Our evaluation's tomorrow.
|You need someone to work with, and I need someone to make me look good.
- I don't know.
|- Fine.
Refuse my offer.
Get booted out|and wind up like Linda Evans.
(PA) Linda Evans, we have a spill in aisle 9.
|Linda Evans, a spill in aisle 9.
- Do you like yours with crust or without?|- How do you like yours? Let's both answer at the same time.
|One, two, three.
- Without.
|- Without.
Holy moly! That's eight things|we have in common.
- Kids, we're home.
|- Hello, Mr and Mrs Griffin.
- You remember Jeff?|- Sure.
Lois, I'm gonna borrow your mace.
Agh! That's better.
Meg, did any of the neighbours|see Jeff come over? Mom! Come on, Jeff.
|Let's go in the other room.
Now, Meg, no need to get so testes testy.
Oh, nuts I mean crap! - You wanna sit down?|- Wait a second.
Don't sit down yet.
- Dad, what are you doing?|- I'm, uh keepin' the couch fresh.
- Dad!|- It's OK, Meg.
I understand what's goin' on.
I'm gonna go.
Oh! Just step on these coasters|on your way out.
Don't step on the hot lava.
|The carpet is hot lava.
I can't believe you guys! How could you bring|that naked kid to our house? Because I like him.
He remembers my name.
I'm sorry, honey, but we don't think|you should see him any more.
I hate the sound of her cryin'.
- You know what sounds even worse?|- (squeaking) Ahh! Listen to that.
Don't you hate that? That is awful.
I think it's easier on me|cos I'm the one makin' the sound.
Nice effort, Brad.
But let's remember|our performance hierarchy: Legitimate theatre, musical,|stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime.
Next up is Olivia.
Liv, what monologue|are you doing for us this time? I'm not doing a monologue.
|I'm doing a piece with Stewie.
A duet? Really? Let's see it.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- " Who's got the greatest gal around?|- " You do - " Who's got the sweetest man in town?|- " You do "Who's got a guy|who makes her smile all day? By the way, I'm not so bad to look at either.
- " Who's got a guy with lots of brains?|- " You do - " Who's got a girl who loves chow mein?|- " You do "Who's got the greatest love in the world? - " You do|- " And you do "Thank goodness I've got you - " Who's got a guy to tell her jokes?|- " You do - " Who's got a girl to show the folks?|- " You do "Who's got a girl|he'd like to one day undress? "Give it a rest -|I told you not until we're married - " Who's got the gal with all the snazz?|- " You do - " Who's got the fella with pizzazz?|- " You do "Who's got the greatest love in the world? - " You do|- " And you do "Thank goodness I've got you Watch this.
Are you watching? That's for me ever having|doubted you.
A-plus! That's for you wearing purple pants|with blue socks.
Eww! I totally called him on it.
No secrets.
I wanna share|Stewie and Olivia with the world.
They're awfully young.
|Is this really a good idea? It's a great idea.
I've always|dreamed of becoming an actress.
That's not why I'm pushing Olivia.
|Is it suspicious that I said that? Well, I guess it might be OK.
Sure, Lois.
Look at Elroy Jetson.
He was|a child actor and he turned out fine.
Do you know who I am? I'm Elroy Jetson.
Yeah, yeah.
Come back|when you have some money.
- Take him home, Bamm-Bamm.
|- Bamm-Bamm, bam! I don't wanna go home.
|Take me to Astro's grave.
- " You do|- " And you do "Thank goodness I've got you (snap) Do you hear that? They love us! - Yes, we're a hit.
You were amazing.
|- So were you.
It was a good crowd.
They didn't|notice you missed that F sharp.
- Yes, well Beg pardon?|- The F sharp, darling.
You were slightly off.
- I'm sure I wasn't.
|- Well, maybe it was me.
- Must've been you.
|- I was being sarcastic.
- Well, it wasn't me.
|- Well, it wasn't me.
(both sing F sharp) Like this.
Listen to me.
Hi, Meg.
Peter, was it unfair of us to tell Meg|she couldn't see that boy? Completely.
We totally reamed her.
Did you|see that look in her eyes? She hates you.
(both singing F sharp) There it is, kids.
Your first marquee.
|Meet you inside.
- Exciting.
|- The marquee or the other thing? - What other thing?|- The sex with Simon.
- Why else would your name be first?|- It's obvious.
Lead with strength, put your best foot|forward, et cetera, et cetera.
So the sex was good? - Shut up, you egotistical jerk.
|- You shut up, you sack-bellied strumpet! - Blimp-headed jackass!|- Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant! "Thank goodness I've got you (doorbell) Jeff! What are you doing here?|I'm not supposed to see you.
- Your parents invited me.
|- But they wouldn't - Yes, we would.
|- Oh, my God! What are you doing?! We were wrong, Meg.
If you like Jeff,|we should give him a chance.
We wanted him to feel welcome in our home.
Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman.
Hey! Why is everybody else naked? Yahtzee! I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! In your face! (screams) - I gotta go.
Thanks, Mr and Mrs Griffin.
|- Our pleasure.
Nice hanging with you.
- I hope my parents didn't embarrass you.
|- Are you kidding? I think they're great.
It took a lot of guts for them to do that.
|I'll see you later.
Thanks, you guys.
That was really cool.
Peter, can I borrow your lawn mower?|Agh You got a towel? Simon, would you be a dear and ask Stewie|to dance on his own feet tonight? Could you provide Olivia with a bucket|so she can carry a tune? People, stop this craziness! The Providence Journal's critic is here.
|If we get a good review, the doors'll fly open.
Go get 'em, my little silly-billies.
- Let's just get through this.
|- Fine with me.
Wait a minute.
You're wearing ruby lipstick.
|You're painted up like some jezebel.
You're one to talk.
You've been|stuffing your diaper since day one.
It's where I keep my peppermint Mentos.
Just because your breath reeks of rotten|Lunchables doesn't mean mine has to.
Break it up! Break it up! I don't need this act and I don't need you.
|You've done nothing but hold me back.
I quit! All I've held you back from is failure.
Come on, Simon.
|We don't need that Bebe No-worth.
I don't know, Stewie.
Without Olivia, this act|is like Fire Island after Labor Day: Over.
Fine.
I don't need you.
|I can manage my own career.
Yes.
Yes, I'm quite capable of that.
"I've got my top hat and cane "And a pocketful of miracles,|pocketful of miracles (booing) - Somebody get a hook!|- This is worse than Seussical! No, wait.
I was about to do this thing.
Oh, hello.
Didn't notice you there.
It's not easy living with my family.
|Bunch of characters, they are.
Like my father.
"Holy crap, Lois.
|Check out the freakin' log in the toilet.
" Get off the stage! What do you say, Bernie?|Two nights at the old rate? I told you before, kid,|I can't book you without Olivia.
But that's the good news.
|We're back together.
She's here.
Hi, Bernie.
Glad to be back.
|Ask Stewie about his sexy parties.
"Ask Stewie about his sexy parties.
"|What were you thinking? - I was|- I'm not speaking to you.
- But|- Shut up! I guess the best advice I got|was from Marty Scorsese.
I was having a problem understanding|why I'd been taking abuse from this lower-ranking officer|played by Chris O'Donnell.
And he told me "You don't have to|understand it.
Your character does.
" That always stuck with me.
- Stewie?|- Olivia! What are you doing here? I must be an absolute mess.
|The studio made me fire my make-up girl.
I just wanted to stop by and see how|you were doing.
I heard some things That it's going great for me? You heard right.
- Glad to hear that.
|- But, hey um If you're not busy what say|you and I get the old team back together? Well, actually, I can't.
|I'm on my way to Hollywood.
- I got this part in a movie and|- Oh, oh, oh, oh What am I thinking? I'd love to, but I just I'm booked solid.
I'm doing a three-episode guest shot|on The Gilmore Girls.
I play Rory's motorcycle-driving boyfriend.
He's a bad boy at heart,|but there's some good in there, Olivia.
And it comes through absolutely.
That's really good to hear, Stewie.
|Please, take care of yourself.
See you on the coast.
- So, did you let him have it?|- No.
He let himself have it.
This is it.
Hey.
How ya doin', kid? - Are you from Wardrobe?|- No, it's Brian.
I brought what you wanted.
- But they won't let me leave it so|- Hit it once.
Please, just once.
- (" F sharp)|- (sings off key) Oh, my God.
I was flat.
Help me up.
Let's go home.