Home Improvement s03e18 Episode Script

and don't over-tighten it.
Change oil every 3,000 miles, your engine will last practically forever.
All right, Al, let's get cleaned up.
Now, when we're cleaning up, you wanna treat your tools like a member of your family.
That's right.
Al even invites his tools over for Thanksgiving.
Even his hammer-in-law.
My point is, when you have a greasy tool, it's best to clean it up with Binford's Super Solvent.
I might also add that this same solvent can clean engine parts when soaked overnight.
Overnight? What happens if you have that 2am hankering to rebuild your motor? Then you would wanna call Al has that number on his speed dialer.
The point I'm trying to make is, to get the real gunk off engine parts, I've come up with a new concoction.
You dip it in this stuff, boy Whew.
Stand back.
Whew! Boy.
Dip those engine parts in there, they'll be so clean you can see yourself in 'em.
In Al's case, that's not a real good idea, though.
Dirty piston? A thing of the past in Tim Taylor's super-duper solvent.
It's high-energy.
(hissing) That's 1-800-C-U-C-K-O-O.
Before we sign off, I'd like to tell you a little bit about some upcoming shows.
Former president Jimmy Carter's favorite organization, Habitat for Humanity, will be here in Detroit, and Al and I will be helping 'em build.
Habitat works with needy families and volunteers who get together and build affordable homes.
They offer a hand up, not a handout.
Very well said, Al.
For this special Habitat project, in association with the NFL, we'll be providing some celebrity volunteers - some of the Detroit Lions, from the Denver Broncos, John Elway, and the heavyweight champion of the world, Evander Holyfield - working with me, and alongside us will be common folk like Al and his friends.
Tim and I will both be in charge of building a house, and we're going to do this in only three days.
(scoffs) Three days.
I'll build my house in one day.
That's including lunch, a nap and two hours in a Porta-potty.
It's not a competition, Tim.
Really? I bet you can't even get near a Porta-potty after I've been in there two hours.
Hey, Randy check this out.
Looks like real gold.
Yeah.
I found it in the alley.
Ashley's birthday's on Friday.
I was gonna get her a new bike reflector, but I think this is even better.
You think? Oh, here comes Mom.
Don't tell her about the locket.
Hi, Brad.
Oh.
Hi, Mom.
Bye, Mom.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Dad.
Hi, honey.
Well, got dinner.
Barbecue from Bits-o-Pig.
Great, great.
Hey, uh, Marie and I watched your show today.
Why? There was nothing else good on.
You didn't tell me that you were involved in building those houses for Habitat.
Didn't I mention it? No, you didn't.
I'd really like to help.
That's why I didn't mention it.
It'd be fun.
The two of us could work together on the same team.
I don't really think that's a good idea.
Why not? Well, I read somewhere that husbands and wives shouldn't work together.
Where did you read that? Husbands and Wives Shouldn't Work Together Illustrated.
We get it down at work.
Hmm I wonder what they'd say about that in that magazine that I get - Married To An Idiot Monthly.
Jill, under normal circumstances I'd love to have you with me, but this is construction.
You just don't want a woman on your team, is that it? No.
This is lifting, loading, shoveling For that, you need testosterone-pumping muscle-churning, bone-crushing male power.
Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.
Ow.
Hi.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor here.
You all know my assistant Al Borland.
We're here on location at a Habitat for Humanity job site.
Al's team and my team will be building a house similar to this one that's already been started.
That's right, Tim, although one of us has stacked the deck.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Let's go down to the vacant lot and meet the teams, starting with the winning one - mine.
All right, let's meet Team Taylor, shall we? John Elway from the Denver Broncos.
Mile High guy, huh? Good-looking man, too.
Sean Jones from the Houston Oilers.
Ano Another Mile High guy.
Looks good in cotton, doesn't he? All right.
Bill Pickel from the Boy.
Little help, Tool Man? New York Jets.
All right.
OK.
And then Ken O'Brien from Whoever will take me, Tim.
Philadelphia Eagles, of course.
Now, we also have Evander Holyfield and Kelvin Pritchett from the Lions due here, but they're not here yet.
I've been waiting since 7:00 in the rain.
Where are those guys? Why don't you tell Holyfield you're unhappy? Well, maybe I will.
This could be interesting, huh? You guys ready to get some serious building done? (all) Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr.
Let's go take a look at Al's team, shall we? (scoffs) Right.
Well, the first member of Team Al I would like you to meet is Tim's wife Jill.
Hi.
I'm very happy to be out here working for such a worthy cause.
Next we have the reigning Miss America, Miss Kimberly Aiken.
Hi.
Welcome aboard.
Thanks.
Hi, Kimberly.
Tim Taylor.
Good to have you on.
Hello.
You wearing that crown under your hat there? Yeah, and I have my evening gown on under my overalls.
Really? This here is Gwen number one.
She's been working on Habitat houses for what, ten years? And this is Gwen number two.
She is a professional plumber.
And Denise here is a master electrician.
Isn't that just dandy? This team can build a house.
My team can bench-press a house.
Yeah, it'll make it a lot easier to dust under it.
Well, you've met the teams.
Now we start building, so stay tuned.
John, what are you doing? Having a little breakfast while we look at the plan.
Do I know you? Eric Hipple.
Eric Hipple.
Quarterback for the Lions.
Yeah.
Didn't recognize you.
You're not flat on your back.
All right, guys, let's get to work.
You're The Tool Man.
What do you want us to do first? We're gonna build the walls and then put 'em all up together, same time.
It says here we should put these walls up as we build 'em.
Yeah.
That way we know if it fits.
Eric's right, Tim.
I think we should stick to the plans.
(sighs) John, you're a quarterback.
You don't always stick with the plans.
Yeah, but we're not playing football, we're building a house.
All right, I'm gonna say this once.
You guys know how to tackle, I know how to spackle, all right? (mumbles) Come on, get to work.
Hey, Holyfield.
Evander, give me the doughnut.
I don't think so, Tim.
Kelvin, where you been? Tim, you gave me wrong directions.
You should have checked them twice.
Right, Evander? Hey, you gave me the wrong directions, too.
Did I? Let's do the wall.
Wait a minute.
Do I jump in the ring and tell you how to box? Not like I would.
Why don't we build that house? Nice-looking shirt.
(Aretha Franklin) This is the house that Jack built, y'all Remember this house This was the land that he worked by hand It was the dream of an upright man There was the room that was filled with love It was a love that I was proud of This is the life, the life that he planned On the love, the same old love In the house that Jack built The house that Jack built Remember this house There was the fence that held our love Yes, it was There was the gate that he walked out of This is the heart, it has turned to stone Yes, it is This is the house, it ain't no home This is the love that I destroyed I can't believe that I toyed with love In the house that Jack built The house that Jack built I'm gonn' remember this house Oh, what is the use of cryin'? You know I brought it on myself There's no denyin' But it seems Hey, Randy, great news.
Ashley loved the locket.
She's crazy about me.
All right.
You know, this girl thing is pretty easy.
Just gotta keep finding jewelry in the street.
Hi, guys.
Hey, boys.
Hey.
Hi, Mom.
You were absolutely right.
Couples shouldn't work together.
If I were on your team, I'd be way behind, too.
We're not way behind.
We're pacing ourselves.
And why do you turn everything into a competition? I just can't help it.
I guess it's just my estrogen-pumping, bone-crunching feminine side.
Sounds like Mom's kicking your butt.
Yeah, with Al and a team of girls.
You're losing to girls? I wouldn't consider Miss America a girl.
She's almost professional.
I heard in her talent competition, she put up dry wall.
And I'd be doing a lot better if I wasn't stuck with a bunch of lightweight wimps! Hey, guys, let Marie in.
OK.
Hi, Marie.
Hi, Marie.
Jill, I'm so upset.
I lost my locket.
That gold one that you were wearing yesterday? My grandmother gave that to me when I was little.
I can't find it anywhere.
Don't worry about it.
We'll help you.
These boys can find anything.
I know Brad can.
Look, Elway, I saw you goofing around today, and I'm not gonna put up with this stuff.
What? Yes, I'd say this to your face.
I might not be yelling this loud.
No, you can't be traded to Al's team.
Tomorrow I expect you lifting something heavier than a jelly doughnut.
And why don't you tell that to your little friend Holyfield, too? Actually, I'd prefer if you'd tell him.
Right, OK.
Bye, John.
(bang) Oh! Getting a little panicky, Tim? I'm not panicking.
The guys just need a little motivation.
What you guys need is some women.
They build this house right, I'll get 'em all the women they want.
You had your chance to get me on your team, and you blew it.
All right, all right.
You wanna be on the team tomorrow, you can be on the team.
Might as well just bring that woman that does plumbing and that other gal that does the roof with you, too.
So you're ready to admit that when it comes to building a house, women are as good as men? Why do you make everything into a competition? You should be more like me.
I think everybody's equal.
Since when? I've always felt that way.
Men are in every way as equal to women, and women are in every way as (coughs) to men.
Well, all I gotta say, Tim, is my team of women is beating the (coughs) out of your team of men.
Dad, I need to talk to you.
What about? OK.
All right.
What if you found something in an alley, gave it to your girlfriend Shh.
Your mom doesn't know about my girlfriend.
Dad All right.
Keep goin'.
And then you found out it belonged to somebody else, and you had to get it back.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You found something in the alley.
You didn't bother to find out the owner of it, and you gave it to your girlfriend? Yeah? Been there.
You gotta tell the truth.
The truth? Yeah, tell the truth.
Everything else is a waste of time.
Women will see right through you.
They'll make you pay.
(weather report on TV) How do you know, Dad? 'Cause I've paid.
Oh, God, have I paid.
Hey, Tim, where you been? We've been working out here for hours in the rain.
It's intermittent, John.
I was buying an exhaust fan.
We already have an exhaust fan.
Not like this.
This baby will suck the air out of a blimp.
Is that all you got done since I've been gone? Yeah.
You got a problem with that, Tool Man? That's cotton, isn't it? It's a cotton/rayon mix or something.
Nice.
We're doing the best we can, considering our captain spends all his time shopping.
This is all necessary equipment.
Right, Howard? No, it isn't, and now they're way ahead of us.
Oh, no.
Hey, Mr.
Macho, enjoying the rain? It's intermittent.
And for your information, we're way ahead over here.
(laughing) Yeah, right.
By the time you get your siding up, we'll be done and the owner will be getting junk mail.
Well, hi-de-ho, good Samaritan Tim.
Wilson? What are you doing over there? Well, Jill told me about the project and asked me if I could help.
If you wanted to help, why didn't you join my team? Well, Tim, aren't we all on the same team? No.
And your team seems to be winning.
Tim, this isn't a question of winning and losing.
Perhaps you're familiar with the great German philosopher Immanuel Kant.
He said, "Idee zu einer allgemeinen Geschichte in weltburgerlicher Absicht.
" Ain't that the truth.
Well, Tim, all he's saying is, the important part of generosity is generosity of the spirit.
Oh, yeah.
You gotta have spirit, don't you? Hey, Wilson, what are you doing out there? I was just explaining to your husband the meaning of benevolence.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put a cork in it and get back to work.
Why don't you go tell her what you just told me? Jill? Idee zu einer ( rock on TV) (switches TV off) Um, Ashley about the locket.
Would it be all right if I took it back and got something even nicer? Like what? Um, how about a bicycle reflector? Hi, Brad.
Hi, Ashley.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Taylor.
Look what No! Brad What are you doing? You looked like you needed a hug.
Oh.
That's so sensitive.
Brad's always been the sensitive one in the family.
Try not to be so sensitive, OK? Oh, gosh.
I am so sore.
But not as sore as your father.
Um, come on, Ashley.
I'll walk you home, and, um, we can talk about what else I can get you, you know, some other time.
(doorbell rings) Hi, Brad.
(doorbell rings) (Jill) Brad, get the door! OK! I'll meet you in the backyard.
OK.
(doorbell rings) Nice greeting.
Hi, Marie.
Hi, Jill.
Do you guys have a staple gun? I wanna put up fliers about the locket I lost.
(knock on door) Why is Ashley in the backyard? Uh, she doesn't have one, so I said she could use ours.
Brad, what is going on here? Nothing.
Um I think I saw the staple gun in the garage.
Right.
I'll go get it.
Yeah.
Hey, butthead.
Hi, Marie.
Hi, Tim.
Brad.
Well, how'd it go with your girlfriend? I think I'm almost out of the woods.
Oh, how many times I've said those words.
Brad, look what happened.
The chain on my locket broke.
Let me take a look at it, Ashley.
It's nothing.
I can fix it with my needle-nose pliers in the garage.
No, Dad, don't go in the garage.
Why not? Tim! Oh, you found my locket.
No, this is Ashley's.
I'm just fixing the thing.
Yeah, that's my locket.
Brad gave it to me.
No, no.
Honey, my grandmother gave me this locket.
Oh Oh.
Looks like somebody here didn't tell the truth! Brad? Brad? Tim? Don't look at me.
I told him to tell the truth.
Well, I guess I'm gonna have to pay, huh, Dad? Oh, God, are you gonna pay.
Well, the tension is mounting at this Habitat site.
We're waiting for the final inspection.
There's the inspector now.
He just looked at Al's house.
Judging by the look on his face, he's not too happy.
Larry, go in and see if you can see what they're saying.
Al, Jill you did an exceptional job.
In fact, I think you built the perfect house.
Thank you, Inspector.
Thank you! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Well, the inspectors are overly polite sometimes.
They appreciate hard work.
And after we come back, we're gonna see the Tim Taylor "more perfect" house.
Oh, Tim, looks like our house is gonna be pretty hard to beat.
Jill, this isn't a competition.
I know it's not.
You're darn right it's not.
Elway, come on.
Let's go bask in our glory.
OK, guys, stand by.
And 5, 4, 3, 2 Welcome back.
Now the moment we've all been waiting for.
A little gander at my house.
Come on in.
Inspector, I think you're gonna be remarkably impressed with the quality of workmanship.
Let's go in.
Doorknobs were Elway's department.
This is very nice.
Thank you.
I like the archway.
Well, we, um we didn't go by just the plans.
We actually made some improvements in the house on our own.
Wait till you see the kitchen.
Come on in.
Those upper cabinets are equipped with fully concealed adjustable hinges, and we installed a reverse osmosis water filtration system.
(sucking/clicking sounds) Should have never put Holyfield in charge of plumbing.
Look at the rest of the house.
The kitchen needs a little work, but come on this way.
Look at this bathroom here, huh? Yeah, that's nice.
That's great.
You gotta try our new exhaust fan, though.
At least try that.
First switch here.
Custom.
(whooshing) The living room.
It's our pride and joy.
Try that.
I'll try to find that hat.
Jill, guess what I got.
A video from President Carter.
Good guess.
His office called to see if we got it.
Well, we did.
This is great.
It's his thank-you or something.
Let's watch.
Hi, Tim, Al and Jill.
I'd like to thank you for your participation in our Habitat for Humanity housing blitz.
You're welcome.
Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when caring people band together for a common goal.
And Tim what can I say? Crews are working round the clock to repair the house you built.
Oh, yeah.
Rosalynn would like a picture of Al.
Let's tape over this.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Try our special exhaust fan.
It's right here.
(cackling) Wait