How I Met Your Mother s03e18 Episode Script

Now, kids, the spring of 2008 was a complicated time in your old man's life.
The last time I had seen Barney was shortly after I found out he had spent the night with Robin.
Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
It's Barney.
Dude, seriously, you need to stop calling me.
Ted, I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls.
Yeah, I never called you.
You called me 15 times and my parents twice.
I'm sorry.
I gotta let you go.
There's just too many good wingmen out there.
Ted, are you crying? No, I'm not.
Let it out.
Let it out.
Good-bye, Barney.
So, are you two back together? I miss Barney.
I haven't high-fived anyone in like a week.
I think I might be starting to lose my fist bump callus.
Let me ask you something, Ted.
Why are you so much madder at Barney than me? Yeah, she had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her.
You know what? I'm not sure that's true.
And I think I'd actually prefer it if you were mad at me; this is too weird.
I'm not mad at anybody.
I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown Barney as a friend.
It's that simple.
I'll tell you why he's not mad.
It's 'cause he's so happy with Stella.
She was right.
Stella and I had been dating for two months, and things were going really well.
She had met my friends and passed with flying colors.
There was just one little problem.
You guys haven't had sex yet?! When Marshall and I were two months in, we were doing it 24/7.
I know, I was in the top bunk.
I also sat next to you guys at football games.
So what are you guys waiting for? I think she wants to make sure we're serious first.
Wait so you haven't had sex since, like Thanksgiving.
Do you know how many big federal holidays have come and gone since then? Ooh, baby, do you remember Martin Luther King Day? Yeah, I do.
We honored that dude big time.
Look, I'm crazy about this girl, and if waiting is what it takes, then I am fine with that.
On a totally unrelated note, does anybody have any gum or ice or a piece of bark they're not chewing? Hey, Barney, new SkyMall came in.
So, uh Word around the blogosphere is that you're looking for a new wingman.
I want to let you know I am available.
Just say the word, or don't even say the word.
Just do something with your eyebrow.
Was that it? No offense, Randy, but there's a long list of candidates for this slot.
This slot is Vice President of Awesome, and you're, like, Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay.
"Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay.
" Thank you.
I won't let you down.
So Uncle Barney began the search for a new wingman.
Pete! Barney Stinson.
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
Yeah, yeah, so listen.
You should meet me at MacLaren's tonight.
You're never gonna believe this: I'm at the hospital.
Just had a baby daughter.
So what do you think, Stapleton! Barney Stinson.
What up, chief? Need a new bro.
What do you say? Dude, I'd love to, but right now I'm bros with Doug Stein.
Oh, I understand.
Doug Stein's a good bro.
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson.
What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro.
So we gonna tear it up tonight or what? Yes, finally! Here's what's on the rock-it docket.
My wife and I put the cheese out at 7:00, Cranium at 8:00, Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah! Hello? Hanging up on you once wasn't enough.
So I lanced this thing on this guy's back, and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was, and then it exploded like a volcano.
Pus everywhere.
Let's have sex.
Right now.
I'll lock the door.
Oh, there's no lock on that door.
We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot! It'll be like a three-way: you, me, and the door.
Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird between me and the door tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
We're waiting.
It's cool.
You've been so patient, Ted.
The truth is I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
No, um It's kind of embarrassing, but it's a while since I was intimate with anyone.
Wow, it's funny that you say that.
- Me, too.
- Really? How long's it been for you? It's been a while.
Tell me.
Me, too! It's been five months for you, too? Five years?! Wow.
Stella hasn't had sex since 2003.
Let's put this in context.
The last time Stella had sex, the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into theaters and our hearts.
Five years? God, if I even went one year, I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel.
The last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS.
Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did she give you any kind of explanation? Look, after Lucy was born, I dated a little, but it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough.
Sooner or later, every one of them gave me a reason not to.
But nobody in five years? Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with.
Girls regret the guys they do sleep with.
And for the past five years, I've had no regrets.
Ted, you're staring at my boobs.
In my defense, they were staring at me.
So what does this mean for you? Is she ever gonna want to get intimate? Actually But the truth is, I really do want to do this with you.
I don't think I'd regret it at all.
Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
That's great.
Like, "right now" ready? So her sister's driving up to baby-sit Lucy, and we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night.
The last time Stella had sex, The Da Vinci Code had just come out.
Well, that doesn't seem like that long ago.
Not the movie, the book.
It's a lot of pressure, isn't it? You know what? It's not.
This woman needs it bad.
Anything you do is going to be fireworks.
I remember my longest drought It was that summer I lived in San Francisco.
I hadn't had been with Marshall in two months and 19 days.
Oh, San Francisco.
I don't know Lily, after five years, her expectations have gotta be pretty high.
Notable deaths in 2003 Oh, my God Nell Carter.
Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died? I'm really gonna have to bring my A-game to satisfy this woman.
Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead.
Not Nell Carter, Stella.
Dude, relax.
It's all about expectations management.
Do you know why I hated Jerry Maguire so much? Because you're dead inside? No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, saying it was the greatest movie ever.
With Stella, do the opposite: lower expectations.
Right, right, and then no matter what happens, she'll be happy.
Hey, buddy.
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
No.
Hey, Randy.
Could you come in here for a minute? Good news.
I'm calling you up to the majors.
Starting tomorrow night, how would you like to be my new wingman? Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.
Tomorrow works.
I have a surprise appetizer for us today.
Check it out.
Potato skins.
- Fancy.
- Yeah, right? God, it's been forever since I had potato skins.
I remember them as being pretty much the most delicious things ever.
That's surprising.
- What? - This potato skin.
It's good, but not nearly as good as I'd built it up to be in my head.
Even though this potato skin performed admirably, and is a totally respectable size I couldn't enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations.
Ted, I see what you're doing.
You're trying to lower my expectations for tonight.
- Is this a length thing? - No.
- Quick on the draw? - No.
- Unexpected number of testicles? - No! It's just that this is a big deal for you.
I mean, it's like your virginity: the sequel.
Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo? Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up.
I don't want you to ever wonder if I was worth it.
Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.
Stop worrying.
It's you and me.
It already has everything it needs.
"Unexpected number of testicles?" It happens.
I knew a guy in med school We used to joke that he was one ball away from getting walked.
What up, Bro-seph Lieberman? No, uh-uh.
Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate.
Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro.
" You know what? I'm excited about this, Randy.
You will be my next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
When I first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you.
What a loser.
But tonight, I am going to make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen.
Oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro.
Yeah, I've been reading your blog for years.
You are like a God to me.
That's why tonight is going to be legendary wait for it dary.
Okay, Randy, let's do this.
- You ready? - Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - What? What's the matter? Nothing.
Let's do this.
No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please.
Just wait.
Just wait.
- Just wait.
Just wait! - Randy, what are you doing? Dripping with game, that's what I'm doing.
Okay, let's go.
No.
Yes.
No! Randy, listen to me: you can do this, okay? Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot? Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this.
Okay! Hey, ladies.
Have you met - Hey.
- Hey! So, here's the plan.
Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, and it just so happens the Philharmonic is playing an open-air Ted.
Five years.
- Straight to the hotel? - Straight to the hotel.
I'll get my bag.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey.
So, uh, looking forward to tonight? Yeah.
Definitely.
It's been such a long time since I've had a night out.
Yeah, we heard.
I would explode if it had been that long since I had a "night out.
" This one wakes me up at 4:00 a.
m.
sometimes just to have a little "night out.
" Um, what are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Pizza.
What are you talking about? Hey, guys.
Ted, you told them, didn't you? Told them what? You told them that I haven't had sex in five years.
You haven't had sex in five years?! That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out about right now.
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
I didn't even think about it.
Ted, that was so personal.
- Now your friends think I'm a freak.
- No, they don't.
Look, I realize it's weird, okay? Not many people go five years without having sex.
I peaked really young.
That's why it was difficult for me to tell you.
But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you.
You can trust me.
Obviously, I can't.
You know, there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, and you just gave me yours.
Wait, did I give you a reason, or were you looking for one? Why would I be looking for one? Because things are getting serious between us, and that scares you.
Good night, Ted.
Okay, Randy, now, tell me, without looking at your hand, what are the three beginner techniques for picking up a woman at a bar? Isolate her from her friends; repeat her name in conversation; subtly put her down.
Excellent.
Now let's put those to use.
I'm right behind you.
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name? - Haley.
- Haley.
Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley.
Haley come here, Haley.
Okay.
Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
I'm sorry, Barney.
So you got a drink thrown in your face.
Happens to me all the time.
Pretty soon you'll be able to anticipate it, and when you do? Free drink.
Oh, hey.
We got two live ones.
New plan: this time follow my lead.
Evening, ladies.
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that? Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
No way! My friend Randy here is the leading expert on koala bears in Australia! He's in town working with the Bronx Zoo.
You are? That is so cool! What is your favorite thing about koala bears? Their meat is delicious.
- I'm sorry, Barney.
- Ah, it's okay.
New plan: we need to get you comfortable just saying words to women.
Now, there's no reason to be nervous, because my friend, Robin, has agreed to help out.
Because you threatened to put a video of us on the Internet, which I'm still not convinced you have.
Right, which is why you came all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.
Now Randy, let's keep it simple.
Just start by introducing yourself.
Hi.
My name's Randy.
Hi, Randy.
- How are you? - I'm good.
How are you? - Good, thank you.
- Great.
You're doing really, really well.
Now ask her what she's doing later.
What are you doing later? Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.
Oh, God.
This happens every time I get an erection.
I am so sorry.
Okay.
Okay, new plan.
We wrap his face in gauze so he can't bleed or talk.
- You are the woman - Barney, why are you so desperate to have this happen? I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
Is it possible that you're trying to fill the void of losing Ted by rushing into a new wingman relationship? What are you saying? I'm saying that Randy is your rebound bro.
No.
That's crazy.
What Randy and I have is real.
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got Randy laid tonight, would it feel anywhere near as meaningful as when you got Ted laid? He was just so happy the next morning, you know? I know.
All right.
It hasn't clotted but I think it's pretty much draining backwards now.
Randy.
I've been thinking, this isn't working out.
Yeah, I figured.
I knew I couldn't fly this close to the sun without getting burned.
This is the story of my life.
I always let people down.
You, my dad, the chief.
The chief? Yeah, I was a cop for like three months.
But I got kicked off the force because I screwed up so much I was an insurance liability.
You were a New York City police officer and you didn't tell me? Wow! Did you ever shoot anybody? - Only all the time.
- But not himself.
- And not in the foot.
- Actually - Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- but nothing.
I don't think there's anything hotter than a cop.
Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding.
Old injury.
The bullet's still lodged in his sinus.
Oh, my God! You know what? I live right around the corner.
Can I take you to my place and fix you up? That would be very nice.
Have a great time, you two.
Oh, my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
I am the greatest wingman of all time.
Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
You had to mention Ted, didn't you? Okay, I really overreacted last night.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I have some trust issues, but believe me, I have earned them.
You said that I was looking for a reason for this whole thing to fall apart.
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
That's actually something that I do a lot.
But I'm not going to do that with you.
Ted I'm in.
This is awkward.
I have a girl here.
Come on.
There is something that I'm ready to do with you.
Ted, this is Lucy.
- Hi, Lucy.
- Lucy, this is Ted.
Stella and I thought our relationship was going to take a big step that weekend.
Turned out, it took an even bigger one.
- She's sound asleep.
- Oh.
She is so great.
I think so.
So, uh, I was thinking, my sister is in town until tomorrow.
And, uh, there's a motel just down the turnpike.
- Wow, that was amazing! - Oh, yeah.
What are you doing? I gotta call Marshall and Lily.
Tell them about this.