King of the Hill s03e18 Episode Script
Love Hurts...and So Does Art
1 HUH? NEW YORK STYLE DELI? THEY THINK THAT'S A SELLING POINT? WOW, THEY'VE GOT PICTURES OF CELEBRITIES ON THE WALLS.
HOWIE MANDEL.
WHAT'S A K-NISH? HONEY, IT'S PRONOUNCED "NISH" THE "K" IS SILENT.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA.
STUFFED KISHKAS? KREPLACH? EVEN IN MY DREAMS, I NEVER DREAMED A PLACE LIKE THE SHOW BIZ DELI COULD EXIST.
IT'S FOOD WITH A PUNCH LINE.
TONGUE? THEY'RE TRYING TO FEED US ALL THE ANIMAL PARTS THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO THROW AWAY.
LET'S GO.
DAD, CAN I AT LEAST GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE WE GO? OH, ALL RIGHT.
( clearing throat ) PUT A LOUIE ANDERSON IN A BAG TO GO.
I'LL LEAVE THE MONEY ON THE HAND DRYER.
HEY, BOBBY.
HERE'S YOUR TEEN PEOPLE BACK.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
NEVE CAMPBELL REALLY LIKES ROCK CLIMBING.
HEY, CHARISSE, LOOKS LIKE YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.
WAY TO BE IN SECOND GRADE, CRAPHEAD.
I HAVE TRIED TRIPPING HER.
I'VE HID HER LUNCH.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO SHOW HER THAT I LIKE HER.
I ASSUME YOU TRIED THROWING UTILITY BALLS AT HER HEAD.
I CAN'T ASK HER TO THE DANCE UNLESS I KNOW SHE LIKES ME.
GOD, YOU ARE LUCKY.
CONNIE LIKES YOU, SO AFTER THE DANCE YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING A KISS AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND THEN I'LL BE YOUR NERDY FRIEND WHO DOESN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
I'M GOING TO WHACK CHARISSE IN THE BUTT WITH A SHOVEL.
Bobby: SEE, CONNIE WANTS TO GO TO THIS DANCE.
OH, YOUR FIRST MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE-- HOW ROMANTIC.
YOU'LL HOLD EACH OTHER CLOSE AND MOVE IN A CIRCLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND THEN IF SHE DOESN'T PASS OUT DRUNK ON YOU WELL, THEN THE NIGHT WILL END IN A CLUMSY, SLOBBERY KISS.
ABOUT THAT KISS OH, IT'LL BE MAGICAL.
NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME BETWEEN YOU AND CONNIE EVER AGAIN.
YOU KNOW CONNIE AND I PRACTICE KISSED ONCE ALREADY AND NOTHING CHANGED.
YEAH, BUT THIS IS A MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE KISS.
THIS IS A REAL KISS.
REMEMBER MARIE? I KISSED HER, AND THEN THINGS GOT REALLY COMPLICATED AND SHE DUMPED ME.
I THOUGHT THE PAIN WOULD NEVER GO AWAY.
THAT WAS A REAL KISS.
( grunting ) ( gulping ) ( sighing ) SO YOU REALLY LIKE THE CHOPPED CHICKEN LIVER? I LOVE IT.
IT'S MEAT I CAN EAT WITH A SPOON.
I GET IT IN A DRUM FROM A CATALOG.
IT'S A LOT EASIER THAN ITALIAN FOOD, LIKE MY LAST PLACE.
DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO HEAT UP I-TALIAN FOOD? WELL, YOU GOT TO MELT THE CHEESE.
YOU KNOW, I'M FEELING A LOT BETTER.
I THINK I WILL HAVE THAT HERRING PLATE AFTER ALL.
ATTABOY.
I THOUGH I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO THROW THAT OUT.
HOOYAH! PEGGY, LOOK.
I GOT AN INVITATION TO SOME KIND OF ART OPENING AT THE DALLAS MUSEUM OF MODERN ART.
NOW, EITHER DALE'S PULLING A PRANK OR YOU'VE BEEN SENDING MONEY TO PBS AGAIN.
NOT ME.
THEY HAVE NOT GOT A PENNY SINCE THEIR CHEAP MUG CUT MY LIP.
ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE IT WOULD BE FUN TO GO TO AN ART OPENING.
THERE'D BE NEW NOT-DALE/BILL/BOOMHAUER PEOPLE TO TALK TO.
THERE MIGHT EVEN BE DANCING.
DANCING? OH, BOBBY, THAT REMINDS ME.
CONNIE'S MOM AND I ARE TRYING TO COORDINATE DROPPING YOU GUYS OFF AT YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE.
NOW, THEY CAN FIT EIGHT IN THEIR MINIVAN.
DO YOU KNOW IF CHARISSE'S HIP IS HEALED? YEAH, I THINK SO.
I GOT TO GO.
WHERE YOU OFF TO, SON? TO THE MALL.
YOU KNOW, WHERE, UM, ALL THOSE SPORTS FIELDS ARE NEAR.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
BOBBY SURE HAS GOTTEN ACTIVE LATELY.
YOU KNOW, HANK, I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG.
HE'S NOT EATING HIS SUPPER AND YOU SAW WHAT JUST HAPPENED WHEN I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE DANCE.
A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY RUNNING OFF TO PLAY RATHER THAN TALK ABOUT PROM DRESSES WITH HIS MOM SOUNDS PRETTY NORMAL TO ME.
NORMAL.
HEH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? OH SO THEN BOBBY, YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN SOME MORE? OW.
OW.
OW.
OW.
SO, ANYWAY MAYBE YOU AND I COULD GO TO THE DANCE IF YOU WANT.
UH, THAT SURE SOUNDS LIKE FUN, CONNIE BUT I'M NOT CERTAIN I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT.
I THINK I STUBBED MY TOE.
THAT'S WHY I'M WEARING MY MOM'S TENNIS SHOES.
YOUR TOE WILL BE BETTER BY NEXT WEEK.
OR IT COULD BE WORSE.
I ONLY KNOW THAT I'LL BE PRAYING FOR IT TO GET BETTER SO WE CAN GO TO THE DANCE.
BUT PRAYING USUALLY DOESN'T WORK.
OW.
OW.
OH, THANK GOD, THERE'LL BE ICE AGAIN.
( phone rings ) LUANNE, I COULD USE A HAND.
Luanne: NOW, YOU PUT IT IN THE FREEZER.
( ringing continues ) ( muttering ) WHAT IS IT? Woman: Mr.
Hill, I'm calling from the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
Did you receive the invitation to the opening? YES, AND WHEN I THREW IT OUT, I THOUGHT YOU'D GET THE IDEA.
Very well.
If you do decide to attend, you're parking is free since your photograph is in the exhibit.
MY PHOTOGRAPH? WHAT PHOTOGRAPH? I don't know.
I work for the catering.
We just need to know how much cheese to buy.
HOW MANY PEOPLE? Sixty.
EIGHT POUNDS.
BOBBY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE FUNNY WALKS? NOT IN THE HOUSE.
BUT THIS ISN'T A FUNNY WALK.
MY TOE REALLY HURTS.
YOUR BIG TOE? UH-HUH.
HMM.
BOBBY, NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
PUT YOURSELF IN A THREE-POINT STANCE.
FROM FOOTBALL, BOBBY.
BEFORE THE SNAP? OH, YEAH.
( groaning ) BOBBY, IT LOOKS LIKE ALL THAT ACTIVITY YOU'VE BEEN UP TO HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH YOU.
YOU'VE GOT TURF TOE.
WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT? WELL, YOU PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.
AND I GET TO TAKE YOU TO THE HEIMLICH COUNTY SPORTS MEDICINE CENTER.
WE CAN LAUGH AT ALL THE PEOPLE WITH TENNIS ELBOW.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
DID YOU THROW OUT YOUR ELBOW PLAYING GOLF OR TENNIS? TENNIS.
( giggling ) YOU KNOW, BOBBY, WE GAVE YOU A DUMB MIDDLE NAME.
BOBBY HILL? DR.
TANNENBAUM IS READY TO SEE YOU.
NOW, YOU TWO GO AHEAD.
I'LL BE HERE UNTIL MIDNIGH FILLING OUT THESE ENDLESS DAMN H.
M.
O.
FORMS.
OH, SHOOT.
I PUT BOBBY DOWN AS MY OWN FATHER.
OOH! DAMN THESE H.
M.
O.
s.
SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, DOCTOR? WHIRLPOOL? DEEP HEAT MASSAGE? OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO TELL MY SON TO PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN? 'CAUSE I'LL SUPPORT THAT.
OH, NONE OF THAT WILL BE NECESSARY.
ACCORDING TO THE BLOOD TEST, YOUR BOY HERE HAS GOUT.
GOUT? I UH GUESS WHO FILLED OUT ALL THE FORMS.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
HA-HA.
WELL, GOUT OCCURS WHEN URIC ACID CRYSTALS FORM IN THE BLOODSTREAM AND COLLECT IN AN EXTREMITY LIKE BOBBY'S BIG TOE.
NOW, HOLD ON.
MAYBE TURF TOE IS A PIPE DREAM, BUT GOUT? THAT'S AN OLD MAN'S DISEASE.
HEY, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU IT'S NORMAL FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY TO GET GOUT BUT IT HAPPENS.
LIKE THAT FERAL BOY THEY FOUND SURVIVING ON PIG EXCREMENT? WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS QUIT PUMPING YOUR BOY FULL OF PURINE-RICH FOODS.
MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
AND THOSE ARE? PRESERVED FISH LIKE ANCHOVIES OR HERRINGS AND ORGAN MEATS.
YOU KNOW, KIDNEYS, HEARTS, LIVER.
THE BOY'S NOT A GHOUL.
HE DOESN'T EAT THAT STUFF.
IS THERE LIVER IN CHOPPED CHICKEN LIVER? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S ON A LOUIE ANDERSON.
WHAT? I'VE BEEN GETTING IT AT THE SHOW BIZ DELI.
( gasps ) BOBBY'S GOUT WILL CLEAR UP IF HE STAYS OFF THOSE DELI FOODS.
IN THE MEANTIME I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT HELP.
DOES IT COME WITH A HAT?! I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT PICTURE OF ME SOMEBODY WOULD WANT TO PUT IN A MUSEUM.
THE ONLY PHOTO CIRCULATING IN THE PUBLIC IS MY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PICTURE.
IT COULD BE ANYTHING.
THE INTERNET IS FULL OF PICTURES OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
'COURSE, YOU'D KNOW THA IF YOU EVER VISITED MY WEB SITE.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL FIND OU TONIGHT WHEN WE GO TO DALLAS.
AT LEAST PEGGY'S EXCITED ABOUT IT.
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT PUTTING ON EARRINGS.
UH, WHAT ELSE WAS SHE THINKING ABOUT PUTTING ON, HANK? PUMPS? OW! NOW I KNOW WHAT MONA LISA'S HUSBAND FELT LIKE WHEN HE HEADED OFF TO THAT MUSEUM.
IT'S PRIDE, HANK.
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT STILL BE ABLE TO FI INTO THE OLD UNIFORM.
THINK THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE? WELL, WE'LL ASK.
NOW, LUANNE, REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT BOBBY'S DIET.
YEAH.
IF I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE FOOD THAT HE WANTS TO EAT, HE CANNOT EAT IT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OH, I'M JUST SHUFFLING OFF TO THE LIVING ROOM.
AND AWAY WE GO! I SPECIFICALLY ASKED BILL NOT TO GIVE HIM THAT HAT.
SOMEONE REALLY OUGHT TO FIX THAT THING.
UH, HANK, YOU BETTER TURN THAT BACK ON.
OKAY, LET'S KEEP MOVING.
WONDER WHAT THEY'RE ALL STARING AT.
PROBABLY THE BEST RUNNING BACK ARLEN HIGH HAS EVER KNOWN.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS STARING A THE WHOLE RIDE HERE.
( both chuckle ) WELL, YOU KNOW "EMPTY BOWL-- BHOPAL, INDIA.
" "BEEF-FILLED COLON-- ARLEN, TEXAS.
" LOOK, HANK, DR.
MORLEY TOOK THIS X RAY.
THAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR DOCTOR.
OH, DEAR LORD.
HANK HONEY, I THINK THIS IS YOUR COLON FROM WHEN YOU WERE CONSTIPATED.
OH, MY GOD! HANK, PLEASE.
PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO LOOK.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS MY WORK.
MY ART IS NOT TO BE TOUCHED.
IF YOU WANT INTERACTIVE ART, THERE'S AN OVERRATED COLLECTION IN TORONTO.
YOUR WORK?! THAT'S MY COLON! OOH! HANK, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO.
NOT WITHOUT MY PROPERTY.
STOP THAT! STOP THAT! SECURITY! DAMN IT! I'M A HUMAN BEING NOT SOME KIND OF FREAK THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON DISPLAY.
MY DOCTOR SAYS IT'S VERY RARE.
I'M THE ONLY KID UNDER 70 TO GET THIS OUTSIDE THE GOUT BELT IN THE LOWER BALKANS.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO ENTERTAIN ANY QUESTIONS.
YES.
YOU.
WILL YOUR TOE BE BETTER IN TIME FOR THE DANCE? I'M SORRY, CONNIE.
I WAS POINTING TO THE GENTLEMAN BEHIND YOU.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
UH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS POINTING IN FRONT OF YOU TO JOSEPH.
ARE YOU TAKING CONNIE TO THE DANCE? I'M SORRY.
I THINK WE'VE RUN OUT OF TIME.
( bell rings ) LEAVE THE TUB.
WHAT'S WRONG, BOBBY? GIRL TROUBLE? HUH? OH, NO, CARL.
IT'S JUST THE GOUT.
YOU GOT THE GOUT? WHAT CAUSES THAT? TICK BITE? ( garbled ): NOBODY KNOWS.
SO, HANK, I HEARD ABOUT YOUR BIG OPENING.
( laugh turns to cough ) YEAH, DALE, IT'S EVEN FUNNIER THE THIRD TIME.
HEY, HANK HILL, LOOK WHAT I BUY IN GIFT SHOP AT MUSEUM.
YOU SIGN IT.
IT BE WORTH MORE MONEY.
HEY, WOO! LOOK AT ME! I'M HANK HILL AND I JUST PASSED WIND! QUICK, SOMEBODY FRAME IT! ( all laugh ) OW! HEY, THERE NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS YOU HILLBILLY MORON.
CAN'T YOU SEE THE JUXTAPOSITION OF HANK'S CLOGGED UP COLON WITH THAT SKINNY, STARVING KID MAKE DEEP STATEMENT ABOUT SOMETHING? THEY CAST STONES AT YOUR COLON FROM IGNORANCE, HANK.
YOUR ASS IS GENIUS.
CAN YOU GET ME ON GUEST LIS FOR CHIC-CHIC ART GALLERY PARTIES? COMING THROUGH.
GUESS WHAT THE SCHOOL NURSE GOT FOR ME TODAY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
( rings bell ) ( sighs ) ( knocking ) HI, MRS.
HILL.
UM, BOBBY LEFT HIS SPOON AT MY HOUSE.
WELL, THANK YOU, CONNIE.
I WILL LET BOBBY KNOW THAT YOU RETURNED IT.
BY THE WAY, HOW IS HIS TOE GOUT? DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO GET BETTER IN TIME FOR THE DANCE? WELL, OF COURSE HE IS, HONEY BUT WHY DO YOU? OH.
OH AW I'VE GOT TO GO.
HONEY, LISTEN TO ME.
CARING FOR BOBBY IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
OH, YEAH? HE NAMED HIS SWOLLEN TOE "MADAM" AND SHE TALKS WITH A FRENCH ACCENT.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
WELL, IT'S STILL NOT AS BAD AS SEEING YOUR HUSBAND'S COLON ON THE WALL.
I KNOW.
IT'S HANGING IN OUR DEN.
WELL, BOBBY'S HAD A TASTE OF SHOW BIZ AND IT DOES NOT AGREE WITH HIM.
NO MORE DELI FOODS FOR HIM.
HE IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO GET BACK ON HIS FEE IN TIME FOR THAT DANCE.
I SEE BY YOUR FACE YOU DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE RASCAL.
BOBBY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU SMELL LIKE CAT FOOD.
YOU'RE EATING CHOPPED LIVER, AREN'T YOU? IT COMES WITH THE PLATTER.
BOBBY! I SEARCHED EVERY SHOP LOOKING FOR JUST THE RIGHT DRESS WHICH I FINALLY FOUND AND HERE YOU ARE EATING ALL THIS STUFF THAT GIVES YOU GOUT! I JUST CAME IN TO USE THE RESTROOM.
BOBBY, I FOUND SOME GEDEMPTA MEAT IN THE BACK.
I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE IT.
( sobbing ) YOU WOULD RATHER STUFF YOURSELF AND ROLL AROUND IN YOUR STUPID ELECTRIC CAR THAN TAKE ME TO THE DANCE? WELL, I GUESS I WOULD.
( sobbing ) CARL, GIVE ME A PLATE OF KIPPERS AND ONIONS! I DON'T KNOW, BOBBY.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH? I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH! ( bell dings ) HEY, CONNIE, I GOT A NEW DECK OF CARDS.
YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND PLAY CARDS THIS WEEKEND? WHY DON'T YOU PLAY IT WITH YOUR CHICKEN LIVERS? I'M GOING TO THE DANCE.
BUT I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE DANCE.
I KNOW.
I'M GOING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I'VE GOT GOUT! UH, SIR, IF I COULD JUST GET OFF A FEW HOURS EARLY, I NEED TO GO TO DALLAS.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
THAT PICTURE OF YOUR BUTT PIPE WITH ALL THAT BEEF GUMMING UP THE WORKS.
YOU GOT TO CHEW MORE, HONEY.
WHEN I THINK OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO THE GOOD NAME OF BEEF THOSE DAMN OPRAHS.
AND WHAT AIN'T GOOD FOR BEEF AIN'T GOOD FOR BARBECUES, HANK.
AND WHAT AIN'T GOOD FOR BARBECUES AIN'T GOOD FOR PROPANE.
I CAME TO TAKE DOWN THAT PICTURE OF MY PRIVATE INSIDES.
AS FOR THE INDIAN FELLOW I GUESS THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND HIM.
ALL RIGHT, MR.
HILL, I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.
SECURITY! THROW THAT MAN OUT.
I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.
SHERIFF.
ALL RIGHT, YOU THE FELLOWS THAT PERPETRATED THIS ART? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HAVE GOT THE RIGHT OF FREE EXPRESSION.
OH, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE FREE SPEECH YOU WANT-- WITHIN THE LAW AND IN THE STATE OF TEXAS THERE'S A LAW AGAINST DEFAMING BEEF.
SHERIFF, MY COLON.
YOU REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER AVANT-GARDE ART EXHIBI IN THIS STATE.
WE'LL GET BY.
HANK HILL, RUNNING BACK, CIRCA 1974.
PICTURE BY KODAK, U.
S.
A.
( horn honks ) Connie: BYE, MOM.
BYE, DAD.
Minh: HAVE FUN, KAHN JUNIOR.
YOU GOT YOUR PEPPER SPRAY? YES, MOM.
Kahn: USE IT ON THOSE HILLBILLIES NO MATTER WHAT.
I WANT TO SEE THAT EMPTY WHEN YOU COME HOME.
( Kahn laughing ) ( laughing ) ( Dale yells ) I FIGURE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST WITH CONNIE.
THIS WAY I CAN CONCENTRATE ON MY NEW ACT.
( French accent ): HELLO, MY NAME IS MADAM.
I'M HERE TO START THE SHOW.
I GUESS I'M NOT FEELING REAL ON RIGHT NOW.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH ME.
I GUESS I DO LIKE THIS DELICIOUS NEW YORK-STYLE FOOD BETTER THAN I LIKE HER.
WELL, THEN HOW COME ALL YOU DONE TONIGHT IS TALK ABOUT CONNIE AND YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR CHICKEN LIVER? CARL, BRING ME MY RASCAL.
HMM? WHOA ( intro to "Love Hurts" playing ) ( grunts ) ( grunting ) LOVE HURTS LOVE SCARS LOVE WOUNDS AND MARKS ANY HEART NOT TOUGH OR STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A LOT OF PAIN TAKE A LOT OF PAIN LOVE IS LIKE A CLOUD IT HOLDS A LOT OF RAIN LOVE HURTS OOH, OOH.
( grunting ) ( "How Do I Love?" playing ) HOW DO I, HOW DO I OH, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU? THERE'D BE NO SUN IN MY SKY CONNIE? CONNIE? BOBBY? ARE YOU OKAY, BOBBY? WHERE'S YOUR CART? YOU CAN'T DANCE IN A CART.
WHERE'S YOUR DATE? THERE IS NO DATE.
I WAS JUST HOPING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
SHALL WE? WHAT ABOUT YOUR GOUT? MY DAD SAYS, "WHEN YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING YOU PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.
" TELL ME TONIGHT HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU? I WANT TO KNOW HOW DO I BREATHE WITHOUT YOU IF YOU EVER GO? HOW DO I EVER? I'VE GOT GOUT!
HOWIE MANDEL.
WHAT'S A K-NISH? HONEY, IT'S PRONOUNCED "NISH" THE "K" IS SILENT.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA.
STUFFED KISHKAS? KREPLACH? EVEN IN MY DREAMS, I NEVER DREAMED A PLACE LIKE THE SHOW BIZ DELI COULD EXIST.
IT'S FOOD WITH A PUNCH LINE.
TONGUE? THEY'RE TRYING TO FEED US ALL THE ANIMAL PARTS THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO THROW AWAY.
LET'S GO.
DAD, CAN I AT LEAST GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE WE GO? OH, ALL RIGHT.
( clearing throat ) PUT A LOUIE ANDERSON IN A BAG TO GO.
I'LL LEAVE THE MONEY ON THE HAND DRYER.
HEY, BOBBY.
HERE'S YOUR TEEN PEOPLE BACK.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
NEVE CAMPBELL REALLY LIKES ROCK CLIMBING.
HEY, CHARISSE, LOOKS LIKE YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.
WAY TO BE IN SECOND GRADE, CRAPHEAD.
I HAVE TRIED TRIPPING HER.
I'VE HID HER LUNCH.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO SHOW HER THAT I LIKE HER.
I ASSUME YOU TRIED THROWING UTILITY BALLS AT HER HEAD.
I CAN'T ASK HER TO THE DANCE UNLESS I KNOW SHE LIKES ME.
GOD, YOU ARE LUCKY.
CONNIE LIKES YOU, SO AFTER THE DANCE YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING A KISS AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND THEN I'LL BE YOUR NERDY FRIEND WHO DOESN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
I'M GOING TO WHACK CHARISSE IN THE BUTT WITH A SHOVEL.
Bobby: SEE, CONNIE WANTS TO GO TO THIS DANCE.
OH, YOUR FIRST MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE-- HOW ROMANTIC.
YOU'LL HOLD EACH OTHER CLOSE AND MOVE IN A CIRCLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND THEN IF SHE DOESN'T PASS OUT DRUNK ON YOU WELL, THEN THE NIGHT WILL END IN A CLUMSY, SLOBBERY KISS.
ABOUT THAT KISS OH, IT'LL BE MAGICAL.
NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME BETWEEN YOU AND CONNIE EVER AGAIN.
YOU KNOW CONNIE AND I PRACTICE KISSED ONCE ALREADY AND NOTHING CHANGED.
YEAH, BUT THIS IS A MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE KISS.
THIS IS A REAL KISS.
REMEMBER MARIE? I KISSED HER, AND THEN THINGS GOT REALLY COMPLICATED AND SHE DUMPED ME.
I THOUGHT THE PAIN WOULD NEVER GO AWAY.
THAT WAS A REAL KISS.
( grunting ) ( gulping ) ( sighing ) SO YOU REALLY LIKE THE CHOPPED CHICKEN LIVER? I LOVE IT.
IT'S MEAT I CAN EAT WITH A SPOON.
I GET IT IN A DRUM FROM A CATALOG.
IT'S A LOT EASIER THAN ITALIAN FOOD, LIKE MY LAST PLACE.
DID YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO HEAT UP I-TALIAN FOOD? WELL, YOU GOT TO MELT THE CHEESE.
YOU KNOW, I'M FEELING A LOT BETTER.
I THINK I WILL HAVE THAT HERRING PLATE AFTER ALL.
ATTABOY.
I THOUGH I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO THROW THAT OUT.
HOOYAH! PEGGY, LOOK.
I GOT AN INVITATION TO SOME KIND OF ART OPENING AT THE DALLAS MUSEUM OF MODERN ART.
NOW, EITHER DALE'S PULLING A PRANK OR YOU'VE BEEN SENDING MONEY TO PBS AGAIN.
NOT ME.
THEY HAVE NOT GOT A PENNY SINCE THEIR CHEAP MUG CUT MY LIP.
ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE IT WOULD BE FUN TO GO TO AN ART OPENING.
THERE'D BE NEW NOT-DALE/BILL/BOOMHAUER PEOPLE TO TALK TO.
THERE MIGHT EVEN BE DANCING.
DANCING? OH, BOBBY, THAT REMINDS ME.
CONNIE'S MOM AND I ARE TRYING TO COORDINATE DROPPING YOU GUYS OFF AT YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL DANCE.
NOW, THEY CAN FIT EIGHT IN THEIR MINIVAN.
DO YOU KNOW IF CHARISSE'S HIP IS HEALED? YEAH, I THINK SO.
I GOT TO GO.
WHERE YOU OFF TO, SON? TO THE MALL.
YOU KNOW, WHERE, UM, ALL THOSE SPORTS FIELDS ARE NEAR.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
BOBBY SURE HAS GOTTEN ACTIVE LATELY.
YOU KNOW, HANK, I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG.
HE'S NOT EATING HIS SUPPER AND YOU SAW WHAT JUST HAPPENED WHEN I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE DANCE.
A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY RUNNING OFF TO PLAY RATHER THAN TALK ABOUT PROM DRESSES WITH HIS MOM SOUNDS PRETTY NORMAL TO ME.
NORMAL.
HEH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? OH SO THEN BOBBY, YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN SOME MORE? OW.
OW.
OW.
OW.
SO, ANYWAY MAYBE YOU AND I COULD GO TO THE DANCE IF YOU WANT.
UH, THAT SURE SOUNDS LIKE FUN, CONNIE BUT I'M NOT CERTAIN I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT.
I THINK I STUBBED MY TOE.
THAT'S WHY I'M WEARING MY MOM'S TENNIS SHOES.
YOUR TOE WILL BE BETTER BY NEXT WEEK.
OR IT COULD BE WORSE.
I ONLY KNOW THAT I'LL BE PRAYING FOR IT TO GET BETTER SO WE CAN GO TO THE DANCE.
BUT PRAYING USUALLY DOESN'T WORK.
OW.
OW.
OH, THANK GOD, THERE'LL BE ICE AGAIN.
( phone rings ) LUANNE, I COULD USE A HAND.
Luanne: NOW, YOU PUT IT IN THE FREEZER.
( ringing continues ) ( muttering ) WHAT IS IT? Woman: Mr.
Hill, I'm calling from the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
Did you receive the invitation to the opening? YES, AND WHEN I THREW IT OUT, I THOUGHT YOU'D GET THE IDEA.
Very well.
If you do decide to attend, you're parking is free since your photograph is in the exhibit.
MY PHOTOGRAPH? WHAT PHOTOGRAPH? I don't know.
I work for the catering.
We just need to know how much cheese to buy.
HOW MANY PEOPLE? Sixty.
EIGHT POUNDS.
BOBBY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE FUNNY WALKS? NOT IN THE HOUSE.
BUT THIS ISN'T A FUNNY WALK.
MY TOE REALLY HURTS.
YOUR BIG TOE? UH-HUH.
HMM.
BOBBY, NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
PUT YOURSELF IN A THREE-POINT STANCE.
FROM FOOTBALL, BOBBY.
BEFORE THE SNAP? OH, YEAH.
( groaning ) BOBBY, IT LOOKS LIKE ALL THAT ACTIVITY YOU'VE BEEN UP TO HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH YOU.
YOU'VE GOT TURF TOE.
WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT? WELL, YOU PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.
AND I GET TO TAKE YOU TO THE HEIMLICH COUNTY SPORTS MEDICINE CENTER.
WE CAN LAUGH AT ALL THE PEOPLE WITH TENNIS ELBOW.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
DID YOU THROW OUT YOUR ELBOW PLAYING GOLF OR TENNIS? TENNIS.
( giggling ) YOU KNOW, BOBBY, WE GAVE YOU A DUMB MIDDLE NAME.
BOBBY HILL? DR.
TANNENBAUM IS READY TO SEE YOU.
NOW, YOU TWO GO AHEAD.
I'LL BE HERE UNTIL MIDNIGH FILLING OUT THESE ENDLESS DAMN H.
M.
O.
FORMS.
OH, SHOOT.
I PUT BOBBY DOWN AS MY OWN FATHER.
OOH! DAMN THESE H.
M.
O.
s.
SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, DOCTOR? WHIRLPOOL? DEEP HEAT MASSAGE? OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO TELL MY SON TO PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN? 'CAUSE I'LL SUPPORT THAT.
OH, NONE OF THAT WILL BE NECESSARY.
ACCORDING TO THE BLOOD TEST, YOUR BOY HERE HAS GOUT.
GOUT? I UH GUESS WHO FILLED OUT ALL THE FORMS.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
HA-HA.
WELL, GOUT OCCURS WHEN URIC ACID CRYSTALS FORM IN THE BLOODSTREAM AND COLLECT IN AN EXTREMITY LIKE BOBBY'S BIG TOE.
NOW, HOLD ON.
MAYBE TURF TOE IS A PIPE DREAM, BUT GOUT? THAT'S AN OLD MAN'S DISEASE.
HEY, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU IT'S NORMAL FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY TO GET GOUT BUT IT HAPPENS.
LIKE THAT FERAL BOY THEY FOUND SURVIVING ON PIG EXCREMENT? WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS QUIT PUMPING YOUR BOY FULL OF PURINE-RICH FOODS.
MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
AND THOSE ARE? PRESERVED FISH LIKE ANCHOVIES OR HERRINGS AND ORGAN MEATS.
YOU KNOW, KIDNEYS, HEARTS, LIVER.
THE BOY'S NOT A GHOUL.
HE DOESN'T EAT THAT STUFF.
IS THERE LIVER IN CHOPPED CHICKEN LIVER? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S ON A LOUIE ANDERSON.
WHAT? I'VE BEEN GETTING IT AT THE SHOW BIZ DELI.
( gasps ) BOBBY'S GOUT WILL CLEAR UP IF HE STAYS OFF THOSE DELI FOODS.
IN THE MEANTIME I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT HELP.
DOES IT COME WITH A HAT?! I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT PICTURE OF ME SOMEBODY WOULD WANT TO PUT IN A MUSEUM.
THE ONLY PHOTO CIRCULATING IN THE PUBLIC IS MY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PICTURE.
IT COULD BE ANYTHING.
THE INTERNET IS FULL OF PICTURES OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
'COURSE, YOU'D KNOW THA IF YOU EVER VISITED MY WEB SITE.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL FIND OU TONIGHT WHEN WE GO TO DALLAS.
AT LEAST PEGGY'S EXCITED ABOUT IT.
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT PUTTING ON EARRINGS.
UH, WHAT ELSE WAS SHE THINKING ABOUT PUTTING ON, HANK? PUMPS? OW! NOW I KNOW WHAT MONA LISA'S HUSBAND FELT LIKE WHEN HE HEADED OFF TO THAT MUSEUM.
IT'S PRIDE, HANK.
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT STILL BE ABLE TO FI INTO THE OLD UNIFORM.
THINK THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE? WELL, WE'LL ASK.
NOW, LUANNE, REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT BOBBY'S DIET.
YEAH.
IF I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE FOOD THAT HE WANTS TO EAT, HE CANNOT EAT IT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OH, I'M JUST SHUFFLING OFF TO THE LIVING ROOM.
AND AWAY WE GO! I SPECIFICALLY ASKED BILL NOT TO GIVE HIM THAT HAT.
SOMEONE REALLY OUGHT TO FIX THAT THING.
UH, HANK, YOU BETTER TURN THAT BACK ON.
OKAY, LET'S KEEP MOVING.
WONDER WHAT THEY'RE ALL STARING AT.
PROBABLY THE BEST RUNNING BACK ARLEN HIGH HAS EVER KNOWN.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS STARING A THE WHOLE RIDE HERE.
( both chuckle ) WELL, YOU KNOW "EMPTY BOWL-- BHOPAL, INDIA.
" "BEEF-FILLED COLON-- ARLEN, TEXAS.
" LOOK, HANK, DR.
MORLEY TOOK THIS X RAY.
THAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR DOCTOR.
OH, DEAR LORD.
HANK HONEY, I THINK THIS IS YOUR COLON FROM WHEN YOU WERE CONSTIPATED.
OH, MY GOD! HANK, PLEASE.
PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO LOOK.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS MY WORK.
MY ART IS NOT TO BE TOUCHED.
IF YOU WANT INTERACTIVE ART, THERE'S AN OVERRATED COLLECTION IN TORONTO.
YOUR WORK?! THAT'S MY COLON! OOH! HANK, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO.
NOT WITHOUT MY PROPERTY.
STOP THAT! STOP THAT! SECURITY! DAMN IT! I'M A HUMAN BEING NOT SOME KIND OF FREAK THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON DISPLAY.
MY DOCTOR SAYS IT'S VERY RARE.
I'M THE ONLY KID UNDER 70 TO GET THIS OUTSIDE THE GOUT BELT IN THE LOWER BALKANS.
I'LL BE HAPPY TO ENTERTAIN ANY QUESTIONS.
YES.
YOU.
WILL YOUR TOE BE BETTER IN TIME FOR THE DANCE? I'M SORRY, CONNIE.
I WAS POINTING TO THE GENTLEMAN BEHIND YOU.
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
UH, I'M SORRY.
I WAS POINTING IN FRONT OF YOU TO JOSEPH.
ARE YOU TAKING CONNIE TO THE DANCE? I'M SORRY.
I THINK WE'VE RUN OUT OF TIME.
( bell rings ) LEAVE THE TUB.
WHAT'S WRONG, BOBBY? GIRL TROUBLE? HUH? OH, NO, CARL.
IT'S JUST THE GOUT.
YOU GOT THE GOUT? WHAT CAUSES THAT? TICK BITE? ( garbled ): NOBODY KNOWS.
SO, HANK, I HEARD ABOUT YOUR BIG OPENING.
( laugh turns to cough ) YEAH, DALE, IT'S EVEN FUNNIER THE THIRD TIME.
HEY, HANK HILL, LOOK WHAT I BUY IN GIFT SHOP AT MUSEUM.
YOU SIGN IT.
IT BE WORTH MORE MONEY.
HEY, WOO! LOOK AT ME! I'M HANK HILL AND I JUST PASSED WIND! QUICK, SOMEBODY FRAME IT! ( all laugh ) OW! HEY, THERE NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS YOU HILLBILLY MORON.
CAN'T YOU SEE THE JUXTAPOSITION OF HANK'S CLOGGED UP COLON WITH THAT SKINNY, STARVING KID MAKE DEEP STATEMENT ABOUT SOMETHING? THEY CAST STONES AT YOUR COLON FROM IGNORANCE, HANK.
YOUR ASS IS GENIUS.
CAN YOU GET ME ON GUEST LIS FOR CHIC-CHIC ART GALLERY PARTIES? COMING THROUGH.
GUESS WHAT THE SCHOOL NURSE GOT FOR ME TODAY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
( rings bell ) ( sighs ) ( knocking ) HI, MRS.
HILL.
UM, BOBBY LEFT HIS SPOON AT MY HOUSE.
WELL, THANK YOU, CONNIE.
I WILL LET BOBBY KNOW THAT YOU RETURNED IT.
BY THE WAY, HOW IS HIS TOE GOUT? DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO GET BETTER IN TIME FOR THE DANCE? WELL, OF COURSE HE IS, HONEY BUT WHY DO YOU? OH.
OH AW I'VE GOT TO GO.
HONEY, LISTEN TO ME.
CARING FOR BOBBY IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
OH, YEAH? HE NAMED HIS SWOLLEN TOE "MADAM" AND SHE TALKS WITH A FRENCH ACCENT.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
WELL, IT'S STILL NOT AS BAD AS SEEING YOUR HUSBAND'S COLON ON THE WALL.
I KNOW.
IT'S HANGING IN OUR DEN.
WELL, BOBBY'S HAD A TASTE OF SHOW BIZ AND IT DOES NOT AGREE WITH HIM.
NO MORE DELI FOODS FOR HIM.
HE IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO GET BACK ON HIS FEE IN TIME FOR THAT DANCE.
I SEE BY YOUR FACE YOU DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE RASCAL.
BOBBY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU SMELL LIKE CAT FOOD.
YOU'RE EATING CHOPPED LIVER, AREN'T YOU? IT COMES WITH THE PLATTER.
BOBBY! I SEARCHED EVERY SHOP LOOKING FOR JUST THE RIGHT DRESS WHICH I FINALLY FOUND AND HERE YOU ARE EATING ALL THIS STUFF THAT GIVES YOU GOUT! I JUST CAME IN TO USE THE RESTROOM.
BOBBY, I FOUND SOME GEDEMPTA MEAT IN THE BACK.
I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE IT.
( sobbing ) YOU WOULD RATHER STUFF YOURSELF AND ROLL AROUND IN YOUR STUPID ELECTRIC CAR THAN TAKE ME TO THE DANCE? WELL, I GUESS I WOULD.
( sobbing ) CARL, GIVE ME A PLATE OF KIPPERS AND ONIONS! I DON'T KNOW, BOBBY.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH? I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH! ( bell dings ) HEY, CONNIE, I GOT A NEW DECK OF CARDS.
YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND PLAY CARDS THIS WEEKEND? WHY DON'T YOU PLAY IT WITH YOUR CHICKEN LIVERS? I'M GOING TO THE DANCE.
BUT I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE DANCE.
I KNOW.
I'M GOING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I'VE GOT GOUT! UH, SIR, IF I COULD JUST GET OFF A FEW HOURS EARLY, I NEED TO GO TO DALLAS.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
THAT PICTURE OF YOUR BUTT PIPE WITH ALL THAT BEEF GUMMING UP THE WORKS.
YOU GOT TO CHEW MORE, HONEY.
WHEN I THINK OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO THE GOOD NAME OF BEEF THOSE DAMN OPRAHS.
AND WHAT AIN'T GOOD FOR BEEF AIN'T GOOD FOR BARBECUES, HANK.
AND WHAT AIN'T GOOD FOR BARBECUES AIN'T GOOD FOR PROPANE.
I CAME TO TAKE DOWN THAT PICTURE OF MY PRIVATE INSIDES.
AS FOR THE INDIAN FELLOW I GUESS THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND HIM.
ALL RIGHT, MR.
HILL, I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.
SECURITY! THROW THAT MAN OUT.
I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.
SHERIFF.
ALL RIGHT, YOU THE FELLOWS THAT PERPETRATED THIS ART? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HAVE GOT THE RIGHT OF FREE EXPRESSION.
OH, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE FREE SPEECH YOU WANT-- WITHIN THE LAW AND IN THE STATE OF TEXAS THERE'S A LAW AGAINST DEFAMING BEEF.
SHERIFF, MY COLON.
YOU REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER AVANT-GARDE ART EXHIBI IN THIS STATE.
WE'LL GET BY.
HANK HILL, RUNNING BACK, CIRCA 1974.
PICTURE BY KODAK, U.
S.
A.
( horn honks ) Connie: BYE, MOM.
BYE, DAD.
Minh: HAVE FUN, KAHN JUNIOR.
YOU GOT YOUR PEPPER SPRAY? YES, MOM.
Kahn: USE IT ON THOSE HILLBILLIES NO MATTER WHAT.
I WANT TO SEE THAT EMPTY WHEN YOU COME HOME.
( Kahn laughing ) ( laughing ) ( Dale yells ) I FIGURE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST WITH CONNIE.
THIS WAY I CAN CONCENTRATE ON MY NEW ACT.
( French accent ): HELLO, MY NAME IS MADAM.
I'M HERE TO START THE SHOW.
I GUESS I'M NOT FEELING REAL ON RIGHT NOW.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH ME.
I GUESS I DO LIKE THIS DELICIOUS NEW YORK-STYLE FOOD BETTER THAN I LIKE HER.
WELL, THEN HOW COME ALL YOU DONE TONIGHT IS TALK ABOUT CONNIE AND YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR CHICKEN LIVER? CARL, BRING ME MY RASCAL.
HMM? WHOA ( intro to "Love Hurts" playing ) ( grunts ) ( grunting ) LOVE HURTS LOVE SCARS LOVE WOUNDS AND MARKS ANY HEART NOT TOUGH OR STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A LOT OF PAIN TAKE A LOT OF PAIN LOVE IS LIKE A CLOUD IT HOLDS A LOT OF RAIN LOVE HURTS OOH, OOH.
( grunting ) ( "How Do I Love?" playing ) HOW DO I, HOW DO I OH, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU? THERE'D BE NO SUN IN MY SKY CONNIE? CONNIE? BOBBY? ARE YOU OKAY, BOBBY? WHERE'S YOUR CART? YOU CAN'T DANCE IN A CART.
WHERE'S YOUR DATE? THERE IS NO DATE.
I WAS JUST HOPING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
SHALL WE? WHAT ABOUT YOUR GOUT? MY DAD SAYS, "WHEN YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING YOU PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN.
" TELL ME TONIGHT HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU? I WANT TO KNOW HOW DO I BREATHE WITHOUT YOU IF YOU EVER GO? HOW DO I EVER? I'VE GOT GOUT!