Mike & Molly s03e18 Episode Script

All right, that's it.
This is the last payment.
So, this credit card is now officially paid off.
Wow, I've never paid off a credit card without using another credit card to do it.
So you've never actually paid off a credit card.
This was a celebration.
Hey, now that we're flush, how about we take a romantic spring break getaway? Honey, we didn't win the lotto, we just paid off money we didn't have in the first place.
Potato, "po-tah-to.
" By the way, uh, can I see that credit card? "Abs-uh-tutely.
" I'm keeping it in the back since you said it was off-limits.
But now I'm moving this little baby to the front line.
Get ready for battle.
Or, we could retire it completely from the rotation.
Retire it oh, like, only use it when my other cards are declined.
No, retire it, like, cutting it in half to send a message to the other cards like the horse's head in The Godfather.
I think that's a that's against the law.
I mean, that's like defacing a dollar bill, or burning the flag.
Look, I'm not trying to be the fun police, I would just prefer not to raise our baby in a shopping cart under a bridge.
As long as the family's together.
- So, you're going to cut up that card? - Nope.
Oh, thank you.
You're going to cut up that card.
That's just mean.
That's like that's like drug lord behavior.
Honey, this card is dangerous.
Especially in the wrong hands.
Okay, you don't have to get nasty.
Pretend like you're cutting the ribbon to the grand opening of our future.
Just give me the scissors.
All right.
Ah done.
I'm proud of you.
Removing temptation is the first step.
- Is it? - Mm-hmm.
Is that what we're doing now? Well, let's keep that going, huh? Let's get rid of that Milky Way that you've got hidden in the back of the freezer.
You know about that? Oh, yeah, good try, wrapping it in white paper and writing "liver" on the outside.
Nah, I just keep that there in case of an emergency.
Removing temptation is the first step.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
What are you going to do with it? I'm not going to do anything with it.
You are gonna put it down the garbage disposal.
You're loving this, aren't you? It's taking a little bit of the edge off.
For the first time in my life I see love.
You should've seen Molly's face when I made her cut up that credit card.
Like she could hear the screams of all the unbought shoes.
One of the biggest causes of friction between couples is money.
That, and using the other one's toiletries.
She does hate it when I use her hairbrush to scratch my back.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, my pet peeve is when a woman uses my toothbrush.
I don't care how hot she is.
If she leaves a sesame seed between them bristles, it's bye-bye, baby, and you owe me an Oral B medium for sensitive teeth and gums.
I hate being in charge of the purse strings, but somebody's got to be fiscally responsible, right? Eh, I feel for you, man.
Nobody likes having to remind somebody to turn off the lights or not use every drop of hot water in our apartment.
I am not the one who takes three-hour bubble baths with a duck and a G.
I.
Joe.
Hey, the duck is a sponge, and the G.
I.
Joe is what the bubble bath came in.
I use my stocking stuffers.
Now get me some more coffee.
Absolutely.
Right after I floss my buttocks with your bacon.
I'm still going to eat it.
Hey, you know, if you're worried about finances maybe we can put in for some overtime.
You know, one of those selective duty gigs.
I think they only dole those out to officers with higher seniority or more commendations, or anybody but us.
Ordinarily.
However, your mother's dating the captain.
That's our ace in the hole.
The captain's our ace and your mother's I get it.
I'm just saying, you want to get ahead in life, you got to eat the fruit of opportunity when it falls off the tree.
Did you get from your self-help tapes or the Green Grocer? Ah, my self-help tapes got ruined when somebody spilled a Red Bull on my Walkman.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
Maybe I don't care.
Got to be clean back there.
He was in the shower for 45 minutes.
Hey, Teach.
No big travel plans this spring break, huh? Nope, just going to stay here in Chicago, see where the Windy City blows me.
That's the spin you're giving it, huh? Well, the jig-sawed credit card in the trash can tells another tale.
Just eat your cheese, you little rat.
You know, just 'cause you're financially hobbled doesn't mean you can't have fun.
I know that.
Yeah, I'm going to check out some museums.
You know, see a couple free concerts.
You know what I do when I'm bored? You eat cheese and talk to me? I stroll down to the firehouse and watch them wash the trucks.
Well, don't let me keep you.
They would do it on the weekends.
You know, once, Fireman Gus let me slide down the pole.
Did he let you wear the hat and hold his hose? Nah, they're pretty touchy about their uniform.
But if you bring donuts, they let you pet the dog.
Ooh! Here's another fun excursion: Go to the Fudge Pot and watch them pull taffy.
You can lose a whole day watching that silky concoction go round and round.
What, you-you want a bite of my cheese? Yeah, he's fine, Margaret.
Yes, I've been giving him his antibiotics and taking him out every Dumpling, I don't know what it smells like it's urine.
No, I'm not going to get down on my hand and knees Fine.
I'll do that the next time I take him out.
Love you Hello? Got you dog-sitting now, huh? Well, your mother went riverboat gambling with the other lunch ladies and she didn't want to leave Jim alone.
Funny, she once left me in a car for three hours while she played Pachinko at the Elks Lodge.
She's got her favorites.
Just get over it.
I did.
So what's on your mind, Biggs? Oh, nothing much.
I'm just trying to make some extra money and I thought I could maybe put in for some overtime.
You do realize the eight hours we give you now, is basically just a gift from the city.
Yes, sir, you pointed that out several times at roll call.
Well, I got to make it fun for me, otherwise it's just reading a list of names.
I was just thinking I could maybe get one of those selective duty details that I've heard about.
Those assignments are generally given to our senior officers, and as a reward for excellence in the field.
Well, I might not have seniority or excellence, but I do have near-perfect attendance.
I'm not giving one of those plum jobs to the untucked beat cop who locked himself out of his own squad car.
You heard about that, huh? Well, the perp in the back claimed he got frostbite and threatened to sue the city.
That was ridiculous.
The car was running.
I went to get him coffee.
People, huh? Point being, I can't just drop one of those plum assignments into your rather ample lap.
Okay.
I just thought I'd ask.
Gosh, my mom's sure going to be disappointed.
What are you talking about? Oh, nothing.
She's just really looking forward to being a grandmother.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, I'm just trying to earn a few extra bucks so that the wife and I can afford to start a family, but not meant to be.
So, if I don't pony up some overtime, you're going to run crying to mama? No.
When she asks why we're not trying to get pregnant anymore, I can't lie to her.
That's my mother, sir.
I suppose I could shuffle some names around throw a few overtime hours your way.
Golly, that'd be swell, Captain.
Nothing too dangerous, though.
I don't want my mom to worry.
You're a police officer.
Sure, sure, I was just thinking something indoors, and sitting in a comfortable chair, watching a bank of - Get out of my office, Biggs.
- Okay! Yes, sir.
My dear mother is going to be very pleased.
Thank you.
And I thought the low point of my day was tagging and bagging your runny stool.
God, I wonder what time that taffy pull starts.
Hey, Mol, is the big cooler down here? It's next to the water heater.
What do you need it for? Are you kidding me? It's spring break.
All us college kids are going down to Daytona Beach.
Whoo-hoo! It's spring break? Victoria, you've been in three classes at a junior college for half a semester.
And now it's time for this bookworm to blow off some steam.
Whoo-hoo! Sweetie, don't you think you're a little old for beer bongs and wet t-shirt contests? Oh, I don't think there's an age limit.
The only requirements are good boobs and a dry t-shirt.
You've got about ten years on most of those kids.
Don't you think it's going to look a little pathetic, you crashing parties by yourself? Well, then come with me.
Okay.
No.
No, I mean no.
Mike and I are trying to save money.
I've got all the gas and the motel room is already paid for.
God, so I wouldn't have to spend money on anything.
Just food and booze - and you'd be doing that here anyway.
- That's true.
Plus, hanging out wi Vince all day, I'd probably drink more.
If we leave now, we can be drinking Buttery Nipples on the beach in 19 short hours.
I can't.
Can't? Or cannot? Wait a second, so, we start tonight? He must be more scared of your mom than you are.
Terrified.
I was thinking about asking for satellite radio for the squad car, but one favor at a time.
Hey, sweetie, what's up? Actually, I-I won't be coming home tonight.
The captain has requested us for some special duty.
We might be guarding Oprah or walking strippers to their car when they get off work.
Shh! Daytona Beach?! And your sister's paying for everything? Well, if you want to go, go.
Maybe we'll get an assignment where we get to use those infrared night-vision goggles.
No, I-I won't be around much anyway.
You have a good time.
I love you.
He said I could go.
Thank God! 'Cause we're almost at the Kentucky border.
Daytona Beach, here we come! This is your idea of a plum detail? Guarding a room full of stiffs? I wondered why the captain was chuckling when he gave me the address.
You know how I am around dead bodies.
They give me the creeps.
That's why I don't let you do the chalk outline anymore.
One big circle doesn't help the CSI guys.
You know, I had a paranormal experience one time.
Quit it.
My Uncle Jesse appeared to me at the front of my bed in a green, smoky mist.
Really? Yeah, it was like he was trying to tell me something.
But I couldn't make it out.
You know? It just sounded like All right! I get it, I get it! And then I tried to move, but it was like I was paralyzed.
And the room got hot.
Then, all of a sudden, it got cold.
It got deathly cold.
Like it is in here, right now.
Uncle Jesse? Shut up! Aw, whatever you do, don't let me fall asleep! Don't worry, I got your back.
Unless it is a ghost then I'm running through your ass and out your mouth.
Oh Yeah Oh, whoo! Oh Yeah Oh, oh Oh yeah! Molly! What are you doing? You're missing the belly-flopping contest.
Oh, that's what I've been hearing.
I thought somebody was slapping a dolphin.
You can't sleep now this could be your last big blowout before you get knocked up.
Victoria, I've been in a car for a day and half just let me get 40 winks.
Come on! We're here! There's beer! Let's drink it all! Okay, let's do it! Let's show those Florida ho's how we bitches roll in the Land of Lincoln.
Whoo-hoo - Molly! - All right, belly-floppin' Lincoln.
- Morning.
- Mornin Whoa! What's that stink? Formaldehyde and kung pao chicken.
Chinese place was the only one that would deliver to a morgue.
That's the reason in ten years we're all gonna be speaking Mandarin.
Sit down, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Thanks.
Girls get to Florida okay? They got pulle.
But, luckily, Victoria was wearing her low-cut get-out-of-jail-free T-shirt.
That worked, huh? She said the cop even bought them breakfast.
Well, I'm glad they're having fun.
It's a shame you and Molly couldn't have done something together this spring break.
Oh, one of these days, maybe when we get a little bit more ahead financially.
Listen, from my experience, "one of these day"" never comes.
What do you mean? Well, when the girls were little, I worked all the time.
Yeah, but you took care of 'em, kept a roof over their heads.
Yeah.
I just wish I'd been around more, to see them grow up.
There are some moments I'll never get back.
Like school plays and recitals? Nah.
That was the crap I was happy to get out of.
You know, I'm talking about losing their first tooth, or holding them when they're sick.
When I was sick, my mom just put me in the garage with a bucket.
That's horrible.
Nah, there was a cot out there, and to be honest, I loved the quiet, and if it got too cold, you could always turn on a car.
Well just be careful.
It goes by pretty quick.
I do miss Molly when I'm not with her.
But I want to be able to give her the kind of life she deserves.
The kind of life she deserves is being with the man she loves.
That's better than anything you can buy her.
Understood.
Drink your coffee.
Yes, ma'am.
Why didn't you put on more sun block? Why did you let me fall asleep? Oh, no, no, no! 'Cause you were reading your mag, and I just stepped away for a minute.
Aah! Eight hours! You were gone for eight hours! Ow! How did the bottoms of my feet get sunburned? You must have been rolling over in your sleep, 'cause you're practically burned everywhere.
Like a 7-Eleven hot dog.
Just just get the aloe vera and turn the air-conditioning on full-blast.
Or we could just stuff you in the ice machine, because you're putting off some serious heat.
That's helpful.
What do you want me to do?! First, I want you to not leave me in the sun for eight hours! That's what I want! You know, when I was growing up, my dad was never home.
Mm.
Worked two jobs, National Guard on the weekends.
My mom and I never saw him.
Mm.
Well, I'm guessing that was more about your mom than it was about you.
It certainly explains why an Irish Catholic joined the Sons of Israel Softball League.
It's amazing you were ever conceived.
Point is, he wasn't around when he should have been.
My mom had to teach me how to ride a bike and how to shave.
My grandma taught me.
You're kidding.
You ever see what a three-year-old rusty Lady Bic can do to a brother's neck? Might as well use a cheese grater.
I just don't want to be one of those husbands that's never around, you know? Mm-hmm.
Life goes by so quick.
Yeah.
And before you know it, they're gonna be filing us away in one of those dead-meat meat lockers.
I'll bet you none of the guys in here wishes he'd have worked more or saw less of his family.
Except maybe for the one down at the end who got killed by his wife.
Bet he wishes he stayed at the office that night.
Damn, man, would you put that thing on vibrate, or at least get a more peaceful ringtone? Chuck Mangione.
Something soothing.
It's Molly she's probably drunk-dialing me.
Hi, honey.
How you doing? Oh, no.
No, no, d-don't cry.
I gotta go.
Wait where you going? You can't leave me here by myself.
Help me clean up the autopsy you performed on this Peking duck.
Out of my way, slackers.
No way to live your life, by the way.
This city smells like barf and coconut oil.
Mike! Thank God you're here.
Molly's on the bed, and beers are in the bathroom.
You're having a party in the room? Well, I couldn't just leave Molly alone! Excuse me for being a good sister.
Mike, is it you? Holy moly, did somebody get some sun! I can't believe you flew all the way here.
It must have cost a fortune.
Well, that's what credit cards are for.
All right, go disappoint your parents somewhere else.
I'm so glad you're here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
This is where I'm supposed to be.
- Where can I kiss you? - Chicago.
I got to say, three days in a motel room watching TV is just what the doctor ordered.
It was kind of great, wasn't it? Yeah.
And bolting the remote to the nightstand is something we should really consider doing at home.
Yeah.
I'm glad you had a good time, sweetie; You deserve it.
We both deserve it.
We work very hard, and it's important to enjoy our lives along the way.
Ooh.
Genuine Indian moccasins five miles.
You want new moccasins? I reckon we got the wampum for that.
Red Bottom love Big Chief.
You guys, I think I'm gonna be sick again.
Oh, boy.
Can you wait five miles? Um I think so.
It's a fun ride, huh? Very fun.