Modern Family s03e18 Episode Script

This week, the world lost a great man, and I lost a mentor.
For nearly 60 years, Professor Ringmaster Al Uzielli helped young hopefuls like me find their clown persona.
"Professor Ringmaster"? It's a very prestigious title at Clown College.
One step below Piemaster General.
Where's Lewis? Who knows? Okay, guys, it's just us.
Lift on three.
Hey, how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests? I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Yeah.
You said it was only for teenagers and people looking to have affairs.
Well, I figured if you can't fight it Not the having the affair.
That's still bad.
No.
Not that, but there's nothing wrong with catching up with a few old friends, right? Or doing a little social networking with my B.
F.
F.
s? Social networking or social not-working? Oh! You know what we gotta do? We gotta get a picture of us all together on a boat.
I think that's a thing now.
So what do you say? Accept my friend thingy.
Sorry, mom, I-I didn't get a friend thingy from you.
Yeah, you know, they have a lot of blocks on there to protect kids from weirdos.
Mm.
Okay.
Good, good.
I'll send it again.
Great.
Please do.
Please don't.
We got her request the first time, but ignored it.
I can't have her on there snooping around seeing what I'm doing at parties.
Or posting pictures of us on family vacations wearing old, dorky clothes.
What? What's wrong with this? Dad, check it out.
I made one giant oreo.
Luke, what are you doing? You gotta eat it like it's an ear of corn.
Kids, gather 'round.
It's time for a life lesson.
Aren't we already gathered? Let me tell you something.
Hard work, determination, and perseverance always win out.
I am living proof that nice guys can finish first.
Today I have a chance to get the biggest listing of my career.
Oh, I have never seen this man so focused.
I'm like a boxer before the big fight.
That's why I didn't have sex with Claire last night.
Sorry, honey.
Mm.
It's--it's okay.
But as soon as I get this listing-- Ding! Let's just stop.
Stop.
I see you.
What? I'm scratching.
Hey, mom? Is it okay if I have a friend come over tomorrow? Who? Reuben? Or the nervous one that gets the nosebleed? It's Griffin Cooper.
Griffin Cooper? Griffin Cooper is, by far, the coolest kid in Manny's grade.
He's a terrific athlete, he's confident.
Manny's a great kid, sure, but he's not exactly cool.
He can't even open a door cool.
Salutations, Wyatt.
I'm so glad you're joining me for an afternoon of mirth.
Ah, good evening, Reuben-San.
May I ask you to remove your shoes? Tonight, we are going Japanese.
Ah! Hebalaboo ridabeley lai mubay rumboo.
I invented a new language this morning.
When did you guys become buddies? Was it a football game in the yard? - You made a great catch? - No, that didn't happen.
But the librarian told me one day I'll be a great catch.
I'm really not getting that relationship.
Why can't you just be happy that Manny's making new friends? No.
'Cause it doesn't add up.
Cool kids like Griffin Cooper-- they don't hang out with kids like Manny.
Manny's very cool.
Maybe those kids are finally catching up to him.
Wait a minute.
I get it.
Couple of days last week, I took Manny to school on my motorcycle.
Griffin must think I'm pretty boss.
Yes, Jay.
It's all because of you.
Kids are looking for role models.
Why do you think Fonzie was so popular? He told people that they were rich, but really took their money with his scheme? No, that's a Yes.
Those people were victims of a Fonzie scheme.
It's showtime.
Hey, Dunphy.
You gettin' ready for your one-woman show? Mitzi.
Mitzi Roth-- a notorious poacher in the world of high-end residential real estate.
We call her the "Nightmare on Elm Street," because she sold a lot of houses on Elm Street.
What are you doing here, Mitzi? I have an appointment.
This is my listing.
Oh, I didn't think that was dotted line yet, jazz hands.
No worries.
I may have an interested buyer.
I'll bring him to you.
Really? Okay, but could you come back later? I really need to have them to myself right now.
Oh, yeah, okay.
I completely understand.
- Okay, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Wait.
What? What are you doing? Watch this.
- Hello? - Oh, it's Mitzi Roth.
- And Phil Dunphy.
- I may have a prospective buyer for your beautiful house.
- I was wondering if maybe I could come in - Hey, Stan! Hey, Patti! and just have a look for a little while.
- We've got a lot to talk about.
- Come on in.
Hey, guys.
Yeah.
I'm wondering if maybe we shouldn't be alone for this.
I'm in.
Go back to condos, Dunphy.
Oh, my God! This place is absolutely gorgeous.
Stunning.
Stunning.
- You are in such good hands with Phil.
- Hey.
How are you guys? I mean, fingers crossed, though.
You know, so many new companies go belly-up.
- Terrible.
- Well, good to-- good to see you, Mitzi.
- Guys, how are you? - Oh, no.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
- Come and take a look.
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- Mitzi, please! Mitzi, please! Please! - What are you doing? - Oh, my God! He shoved me! - What?! - He shoved me! - For God sakes! Phil! - Oh, my God! I thought you had your anger problem under control! - Ow! Ow! Ow! - I don't have an anger I don't-- anger problem.
I don't have an anger problem.
Whoa.
Hey.
It's over? What the hell? You're an hour late.
Huh.
Good to see you, too, Chuckleberry.
Look at that.
Your oversized pants are starting to fit.
Hello, Lewis.
Hello, Fizbo.
For several years, I was one half of the renowned clown duo Fizbo & Lewis.
We were huge.
In children's parties.
Anyway, I disbanded the group shortly after I met Mitchell.
It's hard to have a relationship and a clown career.
That's the reason there are so many single clowns.
Just one of the reasons.
Anyway, um, Lewis hasn't spoken to me since.
He's still bitter, and I don't blame him.
It's kind of like I broke up the Beatles.
Of children's parties.
What do you say we hit a bar? Tip a few back to Al, huh? I heard you were in jail.
Yeah? I heard you're still doing that lame giant scissors bit, you blue-haired hack.
Who's in? - I'll go.
- I'll go.
- Yeah, sure.
- Just give me a minute.
I gotta redo my lips.
All right.
Cerveza.
What about you, Fizzy? You gonna come or you gonna break up this party, too? Hey, shotgun, bitches! I should, you know, probably go.
- You know, for--for Al.
- Oh, yeah, no, of course.
But, hey, listen, don't let him get to you, all right? No.
It's fine.
It's all seltzer under the bridge.
Just one drink, and then I'll be home.
Okay.
Just drive me home first? No, you, uh, you-- you take the car.
I, uh, I'll go with the guys.
In that tiny car? How are you all possibly gonna Forget I asked! It's 5:00 in the morning.
Daddy's juggling! Lily, honey, what are you doing up? Are you just getting home? Yeah, things got a little out of hand.
Somebody had a flower that squirted Tequila.
What do you mean "somebody"? I want full credit.
What up, red? Really? Teach me to juggle! It's very simple.
The key is to be aware of where everything is at all times.
And don't forget the importance of balance! Oh! Whoa! Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
I think I cracked my eggs.
We're out of eggs? Are you yolking? And I haven't eaten in five days! Five days! Are you cereal? Lily, don't ever do that.
Okay.
You two are deliberately not confirming me.
Everybody else has accepted my Facebook requests-- your father, Uncle Mitchell Adele.
That's right.
Adele has agreed to be my friend, and my own daughters haven't.
Yeah, you may just be a fan of Adele, and-- What is so private that I can't possibly see it? Nothing.
Nothing.
You just don't want to be my friend.
Great.
I can see my next status update-- "my daughters are monsters.
" You're not gonna believe this.
Mitzi got the listing.
Oh, no, honey.
That's awful.
She cheated, she lied, and she won.
Kids, gather 'round.
Again, we are gathered.
You wanna get ahead? Don't play by the rules.
Turns out nice guys finish last in this cold, dog-eat-dog world.
It's not fair.
Why don't you play dirty, too? You could take her down.
Honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that.
- He has values and morals and-- - Shh.
You.
Keep talking.
Well, just off the top of my head, you could take my spy pen and record her admitting what she did.
And then you could play it for those people so they realize what a jerk she is.
Your dad is never gonna - do that-- - You're a regular chatterbox today! Get me that pen! - I got it! - Remember, pal, keep it simple.
Hey, Manny.
Griffin-- Legendary creature of Greek mythology with the head of a lion and wings of an eagle.
What'd you say, Jay? Never mind.
Jay Pritchett.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
You know, I, uh, I saw a little of that basketball game of yours last week.
You were lightin' it up.
Thanks.
I was lighting it up, too, Jay.
Who's hot? We're hot! Mustangs are hot! Hola, Griffin.
How are you? Oh.
13.
I'm fine.
So what do you boys have planned for today? Well, it's kind of a surprise for Griffin, but let's just say it involves decoupage.
- Oh, jeez.
- Come on.
Let's go.
Good-bye.
Oh, no.
- What? - You were right.
This boy is not here to see Manny.
I told you.
You see the way he looks at me? No, Fonzie, the way he looks at me.
He couldn't talk.
He kept staring.
He was just like my teachers back in school.
Gloria, you're very pretty.
But the kid idolizes me.
Really? Griffin! Manny! Do you want to go with Jay to ride his motorcycle, or you want to go with me to the supermarket and buy a couple of onions? Motorcycle rides! Onions sound good.
Guess he has a thing for you, too.
Hey! We're back! Hey, I-I just finished cleaning the kitchen, so if anyone has to do a spit take, please do it over the sink.
We felt really bad about that, so we got you a present.
What-- what's the deal with this? I open it up and snakes fly out, or a fire? No, we just know that you like to read.
- Yeah.
- So open it.
Aah! Got him! No.
No.
That's exactly what I expected.
'Member, when I told you? Okay.
Look, it's almost go time, so we should have a shot and go white up.
I'm sor-- excuse me.
"White up"? Oh, yeah.
Lewis got a call to do a birthday party this afternoon, so we're gonna put the old act back together.
Yeah, Fizbo & Lewis, together again.
And they said it would never happen.
Said.
Hoped.
Could I talk to you for a second? Uh-oh.
Trouble in queer-a-dise.
Okay, look, gonna go out to the car for smokes.
Please tell me "smokes" is not another clown, 'cause I don't think I could handle another one of him.
Oh, Lewis is not that bad.
Well, what do you see in that guy, Cam? I don't know.
Maybe the fact that he doesn't roll his eyes every time I talk about the art of clowning Like that.
He may have had his faults, but we were great together.
We had an unspoken language.
We finished each other's balloon animals.
But you would never know, because you have never been to one of our performances.
Birthday parties.
You hate my clown side.
No.
No.
No.
I don't hate it.
Just admit it.
I basically already know you do.
Okay.
Okay.
Cards on the table.
- It's not my favorite thing that you-- - Oh, how dare you? I am a clown.
It's who I am! If you squeeze me, do I not honk? Eye roll! Oh, like I had a choice! Knock, knock.
What are you doing here? Hey, um, I-I brought you some soup.
You know, I thought about it, and maybe I did push you.
So how's the ankle? Oh, come on, Dunphy.
You know I flopped.
Haven't you ever seen an NBA game? Oh, I'm sorry.
In your case, WNBA.
So that was all a ruse? The oldest trick in the book.
You need to step up your game, son.
You know what? I almost feel sorry for you.
Come here.
Give me a big hug.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No hard feelings, huh? None at all.
Good.
Because I just recorded your entire confession Right here on my Spy pen? Second-oldest trick in the book.
Oh, God.
A real man would have just poisoned the soup.
Are we done here? Ah.
Thank you.
Hey, mom.
Guess what? Griffin invited us all over to his house for a pool party and barbecue tonight.
Pool party, huh? Yeah, and he said bring your swimsuits.
He was pretty adamant about it.
It's 50 degrees outside.
Sounds fun.
Great.
I'll call him.
You know, you're basically agreeing to a date with a 13-year-old boy.
Jay, we use this go get us tables at restaurants, why can't we use this to get Manny a friend? Because he's not really getting a friend.
Oh, but when you thought that he was trying to ride your motorcycle, it was okay.
Maybe now I don't like what he's trying to ride.
Manny likes Griffin.
Maybe someday, if they spend enough time together, Griffin will like Manny.
What? Griffin doesn't like me? No, no, no, papi.
He loves you.
But you just said someday Griffin will like me.
That means he doesn't like me now.
You know what, kid? We think that Griffin might be hanging out with you because he's got a little crush on your mother and me.
- On you? - Wow.
I can't believe it.
- Listen, it's fine.
You're gonna be fine.
Okay? - I'm sorry.
Are you kidding? It's fantastic! How is it fantastic? I'm only hanging out with him because I have the hots for his sister Chloe.
You've met Griffin.
The kid's a doorknob.
So you're just using him? Yeah, and I felt really guilty about it until now.
Now it's a win-win.
Not for me! Just suck it up, mom.
I've done a lot for you over the years.
Jay, you, too.
This girl could be the one.
Then I'm out of your hair forever.
Pool party, mom.
Dress accordingly.
Can you help me reach that box of cereal? Hey.
You're Mitzi Roth.
I recognize you from your ads.
Smokin', right? I'm Luke Dunphy.
My dad's Phil Dunphy.
I'm sorry.
Why do you hate him so much? It's just business, kid.
It's not personal.
Well, it's personal to us.
I've never seen my dad so worried before.
I have this spy pen, and I heard him talking to my mom, and he's scared about paying for my sister's college next year.
And I guess he's nervous about some kind of party, because he said there's a big balloon payment.
Anyways, he's like the best dad ever, so maybe you could be a little nicer to him.
There you are, buddy.
Check it out.
They're giving away free jelly beans.
Hey, Mitzi.
Dunphy.
You have a very nice kid there.
He's mine.
Hey, so I was thinking after, uh, little Fizbo, we could do the ladder bit.
Ah, crap.
I forgot the ladder.
You know what? I'll remember it next weekend.
What's next weekend? We got a town fair in Thousand Oaks and a birthday party in Pasadena.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I-I can't do that.
W-what do you mean? I'm the one with outstanding warrants in Pasadena.
We're taking Lily to the aquarium next weekend.
You know, Lewis, this was just a onetime thing, right? What happened to "we're putting the act back together"? Well, that was just for today.
Oh.
Oh, sure.
- I'm--I'm sorry if you thought - No, no, no.
I get it.
You're a family man now.
Hey Let's go out there and make this the best show Fizbo & Lewis have ever done.
You got it, partner.
Ladies and germs, boys and girls, say hello to my good friend Little Fizbo! Hello, big people! Hi! Let's get this party started! Wow, all this dancing sure has made me hungry! Wish I had something to eat! Oh, forgot I had that fish over there.
Don't know why he's so mad at me! He was fine just a minute ago.
Ohh! Okay! Somebody's a little punchy today! Oh.
Hey.
What's the frying pan doing here? When did we add a frying pan to the act? We don't need-- nope! Don't need the frying pan! Why are you doing that? Stop doing that.
Screw you, you traitor.
Ow! That hurts! Seriously, stop it! Know what hurts? Abandonment.
Listen to 'em laughing.
We could have been something.
We could have been some-- I can't do this bit by myself! Somebody! Somebody! This isn't pretend! Someone grab an adult, please! Mitzi.
Your kid forgot his cereal.
There's a surprise in every box.
Spoiler alert-- it's diabetes.
You drove all the way over here for this? Okay, look, here's the deal.
You can have that listing if you want it.
- What? - Yeah, the couple are a real pain.
I'm too old for that kind of headache.
Just keep your mouth shut about it.
- Thank you so much.
- I just said "zip it"! - Oh.
You did.
- Unbelievable.
I'm so sorry.
But thank you.
Bye! Kids, gather 'round! - We are right here! - Oh.
Let me tell you something-- people are fundamentally good.
The key is, you find that goodness deep within 'em.
Twist it, and turn it to your advantage.
Hello.
Psh! And there she is.
What are you gonna hit? College, balloon payment, greatest dad ever.
Nice.
Do you want me to squirt some tears in your eyes? Dad, please.
I was fake crying before I could walk.
How do you think I got out of eating all those salads? Can you help me reach that box of cereal? Oh, hey.
You're Mitzi Roth, right? I recognize you from your ads.
Smokin', huh? I can't believe you got that listing back! - Sweetheart! - Honey! Oh.
- Honey? - Mm-hmm? Ding? You sure you wanna ding a chatterbox? Honey Buddy, quick-- what's the trick to those fake tears? The three stooges are all dead.
Yeah, that's good.
Well, it looks like somebody likes Coldplay.
Mm.
Right.
You saw.
Did you see the pictures I posted from Thanksgiving? Totes adorbs.
- I'm going to kill myself.
- Hmm.
You gotta check out my wall.
Right there.
"Spring break, 1990, New Orleans.
" Is that you? What? Some guy from your college tagged you in a picture.
What is "tagging"? What is "tagging"? Why are you drinking out of a funnel? And why is his hand on your ? Untag it! Un-- Untag it! Girls, I'm serious! Untag it! Tear down the wall.