Roseanne s03e18 Episode Script

You may ask, why do 100 enemies with 100 swords pursue one poor poet? Because they know this poet is a friend of Cyrano de Bergerac! You lied to me.
Ok, so it's not exactly like Pinocchio.
You should have caught on, D.
J.
, when she said The Elephant Man was like Dumbo.
[Drools.]
What, is aunt Jackie on? No.
You're drooling on me.
Roseanne, I got to go.
No, Dan.
This is Jackie's big night.
We got to watch the play and then go backstage and say it didn't stink.
I'm sick.
I got the flu.
Me, too.
[Coughing.]
Cut it out.
Well, you do feel kind of warm.
Let's go.
I need to be sick in my own bathroom.
Jackie's part's coming up.
She's worked hard to make it special.
After her part we'll go.
Even Elvis got to die in his own bathroom.
Oh, gods, command the muse to mold my Lyric.
Tureen of beef.
That's it.
Let's go.
I just got sick.
I was there, Dan.
Sorry about the rug.
That's ok.
Lay down.
I'm going to go get you some soup.
This is the itchy blanket.
Jeez.
39 years old Gets a little flu and acts like a baby.
What's that, honey? I said 39 years old He gets a little flu, and he acts just like a baby! Oh, ok.
Oh! Roseanne? Yes? Put an ice cube in so I can eat it right away.
You bet, honey.
It's melting.
Oh, it's almost gone.
It'll be real cool for you now.
Oh, Roseanne, I can't find the remote control.
It's right there.
Put it on channel 2 for me.
No.
Channel 3.
Ok.
Back to 2.
No.
I'll click it once more.
Whatever's on, you're going to watch it.
There.
Hee Haw in Spanish.
It's your lucky day.
All right, here you go.
Here's your soup.
Thank you.
What? You have more noodles than I do.
I do not.
Yes, you do.
You've just given me chicken water.
All right, here.
Now I have too many noodles.
Stay sick, Dan, because as soon as you're well, I'm going to kill you! Ok.
Here it is.
Oh.
Good work, Deej.
Give me your handbook.
I'll sign it off.
What's going on? This is his last requirement for his woodchuck badge.
He needed to make something out of wood, and he did.
Hmm.
Well, that's beautiful.
Yeah.
I wonder what it is.
That woodchuck thing's tonight, isn't it? Yeah.
You can't go.
I've got to.
The reviews are in.
Uh-oh.
What? Too many noodles.
Lift up the lid this time! "Last night's production of Cyrano de Bergerac "proves that the Lanford Community Theater Company is finally getting better.
" It's a rave.
Darlene, come here.
Look at this.
Read, read, read.
"Shirley Fiske, proprietor of Shirl's Nail Hut, "turned in a must-see performance as Roxanne" blah, blah, blah.
Read what I circled.
"The ensemble" that's me.
"The ensemble was less confused this time around.
" "Less confused.
" That's great, huh? Look.
They're putting in a Dairy Queen next to the bank.
That'll be handy.
Can you be a little more excited for me? I'm excited, I swear.
When you said, "tureen of beef," I got totally hungry.
Roseanne? What? Roseanne? I said what? What? Darlene, go see what he wants.
Dad, what do you want? What? Go in there.
I hate sick people.
What time is it? I got to get to work by 1:00.
Work? You have a job? I'm working at the theater, answering phones and stuff.
Oh.
What are they paying you? Nothing.
That's an interesting career choice.
I'm part of the theater, Roseanne.
I'm helping out.
Do the other actors help out? When they can, yeah.
They all have jobs.
You just don't get it, do you? He wants soup.
[Telephone rings.]
I ought to just save him the time and pour it down the toilet.
Hello.
Yeah, just a minute.
Jackie! What? It's Steven Spielberg.
He wants to fly you to Hollywood so you can answer his phones.
Ha ha.
It's Lou, your stage manager.
Hi.
Did you see the review? "Less confused.
" Yeah.
Huh? Oh.
Yep.
Ok.
Sure.
All right.
Great.
Bye-bye.
Shirley Fiske has the flu.
So? So I'm the understudy.
I have to go on tonight and do Roxanne.
Well Who's going to do tureen of beef? I'm in trouble.
I didn't think she'd get sick.
She never misses a show.
I didn't bother to learn the whole part.
What? I know a little bit.
I know what happens.
Kind of.
I don't believe you! Better call and tell them you can't do it.
I can't! I'm the understudy! I'm their last resort! What are you going to do? I don't know.
I should go buy the play.
Ok, Cyrano goes, "call her," and then that Christian, he goes, "Roxanne," and then you go I know this.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Ok, tell me.
You've been rehearsing this play a whole month.
Have you watched it? I wasn't in this scene, so I didn't care about it! Roseanne, I got bad things coming out of every part of my body.
Poor baby.
Can I do anything to make you feel better without actually having to touch you? I need some postnasal drip medicine.
We don't have any of that, Dan.
I'm dripping! I'm working on a scene! Can you give me a minute? No! The very next one of youse to whine is going to get creamed.
Dan, please help her out with her lines.
I'll make you some tea.
All right.
Where were you? Where? Christian goes, "it's Christian.
" "It's Christian.
" Uh, and and if it is, so? "My dearest Rox" [cough cough.]
I'll never learn this scene.
I'll be humiliated in front of the whole town! You've learned the whole rest of the play.
What's the problem with this scene? It's too much pressure! Everything happens in this scene! First Christian's talking, and then Cyrano's talking to Christian! Then Christian pretends to be Cyrano! Oh, never mind about me! I'll be fine! I'm ready.
Oh, no.
Your scout thing.
I forgot.
Go out to the car.
I'll get dressed and join you.
Hurry up.
You can't go out, Dan.
Roseanne, I can't miss this.
He's my son! I've got to be there! I'll take him.
Ok.
What? Wait a minute! You can't go! This play's in two hours.
I'll flop without your help! D.
J.
's getting a medal for this wood thing he made.
I'm counting on you! Get somebody in the play help.
I can't.
They'll know I didn't memorize the lines! Bye.
I can't believe you're dumping me for some stupid merit badge! That's the most important thing in my son's life.
And this is important! You're no sister, running out on me now! I already should have told you this theater thing is getting out of hand! What's that supposed to mean? With everybody else, it's a hobby.
You're making it a career 'cause you got nothing else going on.
That's what you think.
Since you quit the force, you just been hanging out.
Now it's the theater, but it's still just hanging out.
Ok, fine.
Sure.
Fine.
Thanks for being there for me.
See you.
[Cough cough.]
Shut up, Dan.
You've scrambled the eggs too hard.
He just said they were too loose.
Now they're too chewy, and they make his face hurt.
I'm not cooking for him anymore.
He can just lick the vaporub off his chest.
Hey, girls, your brother's a chipmunk.
Woodchuck.
Whatever.
Where's dad? How's he doing? He's driving us crazy.
Does my tongue look funny to you? Oh, gross! Well, well.
It lives.
Yeah, I feel a little better.
Then how come you're driving the girls crazy? Kicks.
Did Jackie call? No.
She's a big girl.
I know.
What I said to her was true, you know, but maybe I was a tad insensitive.
How unlike you.
Maybe I ought to just back off and let her live her own life.
Christian.
Cyrano! What is this urgency? She read the letters.
She wants to see me.
Ah, that is good.
But she thinks they are my words.
Is someone calling? Is someone calling? Is someone calling? Is someone calling? Relax.
You're doing great.
You think so, Lou? Well, you're no Shirley Fiske.
Yeah, well, who is? Not you.
Stand beneath the balcony whilst I stand behind the tree and whisper the words for you to woo her.
Call her forth.
Roxanne.
Roxanne.
Call her forth louder.
Roxanne! Is someone calling? Is someone calling? Roxanne! Jackie, someone's calling.
Oh, god, Lou! Ok.
Yeah, ok.
Roxanne! She comes out not.
Mayhaps we are at the wrong balcony.
I don't think so.
So Are you from France originally? Is someone calling? What shall I say? Hear what I say and repeat it.
My words before could not express My words before could not express What my heart truly feels.
What my heart truly feels.
Um "I can see that you love me no longer.
" My father the Duke is calling.
Be right back.
What are you doing here? "I can see that you love me no longer.
" We had an argument.
We'll work it out.
I'm in a play.
That is the line, Jackie.
Oh.
It's no use, Roseanne.
Go on out there.
I'll feed you your lines.
We can't do that.
Why not? They're doing it.
Oh, the big Dipper.
I can see that you love me no longer.
Oh, you gods Oh, you gods See how I love See how I love More than words can say.
More than words can say.
Why are your words Why are your words So halting? So halting? How shall I explain? I shall speak for you.
Good.
Each word struggles through the dark seeking your light.
If that were true If that were true My own words My own words Would struggle like yours.
Would struggle like yours.
Your words come more easily than they did before.
That's right.
I know.
But I've never spoken with my true heart before.
Why not? Because I've never spoken to your heart before.
I love you.
Christian You do tremble like a leaf.
Yes, I tremble with love, for you have made me love you.
That's right.
Win me a kiss.
Now I could die, but for one thing A kiss! Come then, it awaits you.
Go! Climb! A kiss sweet as nectar.
Come claim your prize.
Roxanne! Hey, Lou, is that guy single? I need the table.
Oh, sorry.
Jackie was good tonight, wasn't she? Yeah, well, the important thing is she fit the costume.
Hey, Phil, good job tonight.
Hey, thanks, Roseanne.
Jackie did good, don't you think? I've been doing community theater for 14 years now, and No.
She remembered most of her lines.
That she did.
I'll see you.
I said no, Al! You're going to tell me you didn't feel something special going on between us tonight? I was playing a part.
I was acting.
You're not that good of an actor.
Good night, Al.
Good night, Roxanne.
What a doof.
Jackie, you were great.
No, I wasn't.
Oh, yes, you were.
Everybody was leaving during my curtain call.
Sure, because it's snowing outside.
They wanted to get home.
Shirley got roses.
I didn't get roses.
You only get roses on opening night.
You're just saying that so I won't feel bad.
Jackie, have some confidence, ok? God, you're pathetic.
You know, you were right before.
I haven't done anything since I quit the force.
Take your time and figure out what you want to do.
I've had plenty of time.
I know.
I was proud of being a cop.
I don't want to do just anything.
You'll find something, Jackie.
Trust me.
You've got lots of potential.
You'll find the right thing.
You really thought I was good, huh? I couldn't believe it.
I thought you were great.
Maybe Roxanne isn't my part.
She dumps the cool guy with the big nose for the moron with the cute butt.
That's right up your alley.
[Coughing.]
Want to watch some TV? No.
Make yourself some soup.
You'll feel better.
No.
Can I go bowling? No! You just want me to watch you be sick? You're damn right.
Read that.
The Elgin Bulletin? Some guy came in from out of town and reviewed the show.
"Cyrano stinks"? That's the good part.
"Is it illegal to yell yuck "in a crowded theater? Last night, this reporter considered it.
" Get down to where it mentions my name.
"Lured by the promise "of a masterful performance "from regional legend Shirley Fiske, "we were at first disappointed "to find Jacqueline Harris "in the role of Roxanne.
"But disappointment waned as our minds began to wander.
" This guy's a moron.
Just keep reading, Dan.
"Let's just hope Miss Harris has enough sense not to quit her day job.
" See? He doesn't know what he's talking about.
You don't have a day job.
I must find a way to make her love me.
Now.
And how am I to tea How am I to tea How am I to tea Ah-choo! Bless you.
Thank you.
Uh, anyway And how am I to teach you now? What? Nose! Your nose! Oh, god.
I shall die! Stand here beneath her balcony whilst I stand behind the tree and whisper the words for you to woo her.
Ah-choo! Call her forth.
Roxanne.
Is someone call Ah-choo! Is someone call Ah-choo! A token of her love.