Everybody Hates Chris s03e19 Episode Script

( New Kids on the Block's "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" playing ) CHRIS: At 15, I was sick of being a nerd.
When you're a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you, and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention.
And I was done with it.
From now on, I was going to be cool.
Cool guys got everything: girls, cars, girls, money, girls.
But what exactly is cool? I tried the surfer look.
~ See it in your walk ~ ~ Tell 'em when you talk ~ CHRIS: I tried the superhero look.
~ Even in your thoughts ~ ~ You got the right stuff ~ ~ Baby ~ CHRIS: I tried the cowboy look, but I ended up with the Village People look.
No matter what I did, I ended up looking as cool as a fat guy in a sweat suit with a herringbone chain.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: Since I knew nothing about being cool, I decided to consult with the coolest guy I knew, to find out his secrets.
Hey, little dude from across the street.
Let me hold a dollar.
Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah.
Later on.
( scoffs ) ( rap theme playing ) What do you think makes a guy cool? Cool? Man, nothing makes you cool.
You either cool or you not.
But what if you're not born cool, and you want to be? Well, the fastest way is to associate yourself with cool people.
That way you're cool by association.
But why would they want to hang with me? ( sighs ) Look, man, it starts with attitude, all right? Followed by a little headgear.
Accompanied by the walk.
The walk? Yes, man.
All right, the walk.
Huh.
You got to put a lean in your walk, man.
You know, like-- Like you're slightly bothered by an old gunshot wound to the hip.
Like this.
Easy for him.
He had a gunshot wound to the hip.
You see? Now you try.
( chuckles ) Nah, man, that-- That-- That ain't it.
Look, uh-- ( exhales ) The collar.
That's right.
Get this collar popped up, man.
All right.
Now-- Now try again.
I can't watch this.
( sighs ) Nah, nah.
That-- That-- That-- That's not it at all.
All right, look, we definitely gonna have to pull out the big guns on this.
Now, the coolest boy in the world right now is LL Cool J.
And you think you can make me look like him? Let's find out.
( rap theme continues ) Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Hey, Chris.
It's working already? Let me hold a dollar.
Here's my self-respect too.
Keep the change.
Well, got to go, little dude from across the street.
Stay cool.
While I was on my way to being cool, spring cleaning was making my mother hot.
Ugh.
Look at all this junk.
( humorous theme playing ) No, he didn't.
Julius! What's going on? This is what's going on.
You told me you were gonna get rid of that years ago.
Instead you just hid it from me? It wasn't hid.
Yes, it was.
It was underneath your camouflage jacket.
It was camouflaged! Baby, it's a good coat.
Do you remember who gave you this coat? I think it was Janet.
You're damn right! So when you told me that you were gonna get rid of it, that means you were lying, so now you're a liar? Yes.
You're acting like you pulled Janet out of the closet.
What difference does it make? It's a coat, not a woman.
Damn.
So you're telling me you're gonna keep the coat, even though I'm telling you that I don't want you to keep it? Yeah.
I see no sane reason to get rid of it, so I'm keeping it.
Okay, fine.
Keep the coat, Julius.
I hope it keeps you warm.
Takes a brave man to choose a coat over a woman.
A brave, stupid man.
( funky theme playing ) Hey, man, did you get shot in the leg? No, why? 'Cause you're walking like it hurts.
Well, man, I'm just trying to be cool.
It's not working.
It's not working? Look at you.
You look like a powder-blue Dean Martin.
Technically, I look like a powder-blue Joey Bishop.
Whatever.
We need to change our images.
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole.
A powder-blue totem pole.
That's true.
You see, I want to be like them.
Tell me why they don't go to school, and they don't work, but they have great cars and great girls? Because they're criminals.
Those are the kids from the arcade.
( wheezes ) We can't be like them.
I mean, those kids have either been suspended, expelled or dropped out of school.
When you're old, that makes you a loser, but when you're young, it gives the illusion of cool.
Shh, be quiet.
( brakes squeal ) Hey, kid, you got a cigarette? No, but I got some gum.
Forget it.
It's spearmint.
And sugar free.
I don't think he's listening.
Well, we learned one thing: Cool guys have cigarettes.
Now before you go gettin' all upset, in 1986, almost everybody smoked.
People didn't give a damn about health.
Here's a partial list of things in this picture that people didn't know where dangerous.
Eventually, all these people died horribly, but while they lived, they were cool.
My brother Drew was so cool, he could do anything, but in the spring of '86, that changed.
Here, take this thing away from me.
What's this? It's evil.
The Rufus Cube, the most diabolical puzzle ever invented.
It caused nervous breakdowns, divorces and suicides, because it was almost impossible to solve.
This looks easy.
( scoffs ) Chris, I got to go into the library for a few minutes.
Watch the register.
The library? Yeah, I got to go to the bathroom.
I do some of my best handicapping in the john.
Keep an eye on the register.
A big part of being cool is taking advantage of opportunities when they present themselves.
( funky theme playing ) Now that I had cigarettes, I had the start of what I needed.
( register clacks ) A real cool guy wouldn't have paid, but Nerdy McGee would have felt too guilty.
Even though I had the keys to being cool, Greg was locked into being a square.
All right, just put one of these behind your ear.
Dude, that's contraband.
The Surgeon General told us-- Greg, do you want to look cool or not? Yeah, but I don't want to be a fugitive.
( siren wailing ) ( dramatic theme playing ) SWAT TEAM LEADER: Freeze! SWAT OFFICER 2: Go.
SWAT TEAM LEADER: Down.
( guns cocking ) All the way down.
Slowly remove the cigarette away from your ear.
SWAT OFFICER 3: Stay there, dirtbag.
SWAT OFFICER 4: Don't move.
You don't have to smoke it.
You just have to put it behind your ear, and walk around like those guys at the arcade.
The arcade? I'd like to get back in there again.
You were in the arcade? Yeah, once.
( funky theme playing ) ( screaming ) Forget that.
Okay, that was before you looked cool.
Okay, man, I'll try it.
Yeah.
Oh, remember, you get caught with a cigarette in school, it's an automatic suspension.
Right, it's just to walk around and look cool for the other kids.
Right.
So how do I look? Nervous.
Come on, man, pop your collar.
You know, put your shades on.
Roll up your pant leg.
Okay.
Better.
No, it's not.
All right, let's make a pact.
If either one of us gets caught by the teacher, we don't rat out the other.
Deal? Deal.
( somber theme playing ) Chris gave it to me.
Chris? I am so disappointed in you.
I know that nicotine, pork rinds and malt liquor are the black man's vices.
You forgot white women.
But why infect Gregory? Because I wanted to be cool.
Now I just feel like a fool.
I don't know.
Well, I'm sorry, Chris, but you're suspended.
When my parents found out, I was finally going to be cool.
Cool as a corpse.
My father had worked hard all day.
But my mother had been to space.
JULIUS: You went to work like that? Don't you know you could get fired? What did your boss say? Hm.
So you say you want a raise? ( funky theme playing ) I got a raise.
JULIUS: You shouldn't be wearing that.
Get rid of it.
ROCHELLE: Oh, I'll be happy to get rid of it, as long as you get rid of that jacket.
I'm not getting rid of my jacket.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Not fine.
When you get suspended from school, they call your parents, so if the phone rang, this could be my last meal.
So, what's going on, Chris? Whatcha mean? There's something different about you.
Did you get a haircut? No.
Well, you look kind of cool.
What he thought was cool was actually terror.
Mama, why are you dressed like that? Ask your father.
Daddy, why is Mama dressed like that? Maybe your mother doesn't know the difference between a perfectly good coat and a space suit.
Better be glad she doesn't have a ray gun.
So, Chris, how was your day at school? It was all right.
Anything interesting happen? No.
DREW: You sure? 'Cause usually you talk more about school.
Can't get you to stop talking about it.
Nothing happened at school, okay? It was just like any other day.
Any other bad day.
Why are you talking to your brother like that? He just asked you a question.
Yeah, Chris, calm down.
Drew, will you put that thing down and eat your dinner? Hold it, Dad, I-I've almost got it.
I can't stop.
Either you eat your dinner or do the cube.
What's it's gonna be? I'll take the cube.
I thought somehow I had dodged the suspension bullet, but actually it was just loaded in a different gun.
Hey, Chris, wait up.
What's up? Nothing.
Just thought I should tell you about my day.
What about it? Oh, I just sat around the house by myself, answering phones, taking messages.
Good for you.
Yeah, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Michael, the principal from your school, Daddy Never underestimate the power of the devil.
Wait a minute, did you say the principal from my school? Yeah, you know, they always call when they suspend somebody from school for having cigarettes.
Did they think you were Ma? I don't know.
I just answered the phone, and they started talking.
What are you out? Three days? I'm guessing that's a total of $15.
What is? Five dollars a day.
You know it's gonna cost to keep my mouth shut.
The price of being cool was steep, but it beat the price of being beat.
( funky theme playing ) Getting suspended from school was hard, but figuring out what I was gonna do with my day was harder.
Hey, man, what are you doing here? I had nowhere else to go.
You're not still mad at me, are you? Yeah, actually, I am.
You ratted me out.
I'm torn about it, man.
Please, don't make me feel any worse than I already am.
Why did you cave so fast? My therapist says I'm bad under pressure.
I'm just not cool.
No kidding.
Forget about it.
It's all right.
What are you gonna do all day? I don't know.
Wander around till it's time to go home.
Maybe I'll see you at lunch.
( bell ringing ) Got to go.
( funky theme playing ) Well, all right.
I was at the arcade, but I was afraid if I went in what happened to Greg would happen to me.
( engine revving ) Hey, it's Juicy Fruit.
( laughs ) Hey, want a smoke? Look at Juicy Fruit.
Thanks, man.
What you up to? Nothing.
Just hanging.
What's the matter, Juicy Fruit? You get lost on the way to school? No, actually, I got kicked out.
So did I.
So did I.
Actually, we all did.
Except for Vinnie.
He never went.
Hey, come on in, hang out for a while.
Cool.
I might not smoke, but right now, I'm on fire.
You know, you could do this yourself, Julius.
JULIUS: Yeah, but every time I do, I nick my head.
You know what's going on? You got a lot of bumps back here.
Lot of lumps in the back of your head, man.
My grandmother used to read these things, man.
The configuration is telling me you got a lot of tension.
JULIUS: Yeah, well, that's true.
BOY: Oh, got one coming at 2:00.
In barbershops across America somebody's always on the lookout for women, no matter how they look.
Oh, man.
Look at that outfit.
Man, she look a fool.
Ooh, I wished my mama looked like that.
I'd never leave the house.
MANNY: Here she come across our street.
Come on, come on, get a little closer, baby.
Uh-uh-uh.
That is a Cadillac walk right there.
Honky Cadillac.
MANNY: Wait a minute.
What? What? Man, that's-- ( all groaning ) JULIUS: Who? Hey, hey, who is it? No, don't worry about it, man.
It's just-- JULIUS: Where'd she go? What? Hey, everybody.
GROUP: Hey.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
I was just wondering what you wanted for dinner tonight? Rochelle.
I guess I'm interrupting something.
You know what? I'll just make you roast beef.
Mwah.
Bye, boys.
( mumbled farewells ) Man, you got problems.
You got that right.
The next day, I had no question about where I was going.
Hey, Juicy Fruit, you want some beer? Nah, I only drink beer with my dinner.
Maybe we should go get something to eat later.
Maybe.
So, what are we doing for the rest of the day? Just about time to go pick up Vito.
You're gonna love Vito.
Who's Vito? He's a friend of ours.
He gets out today.
Out of what? ( laughing ) Come on, let's go.
GIRL: You're cute, Juicy Fruit.
Not too bad-looking yourself.
( funky theme playing ) ( door closes ) ( engine starts ) Trixie had her eye on me, but somebody else had their eye on us.
( shutter clicking ) GUARD: This way, Vito.
All right, Vito.
We'll see you again.
Later that day, I met Vito.
He was the guy these guys looked up to.
He was also a convict.
( door closes ) Who's this? He's Juicy Fruit.
Juicy Fruit? What kind of name is Juicy Fruit? My real name is Chris.
Don't worry about it.
He's cool.
Yeah? You cool, Juicy Fruit? Yeah, I'm cool.
Not with that nickname.
We'll see about that the day after tomorrow.
What happens the day after tomorrow? We're gonna get the guys who ratted on me.
We'd do it tomorrow, but I need one day to get the guns.
And you're gonna be the lookout.
So you cool with that, Juicy Fruit? Mama-a-a-a! CHRIS: Before I went ahead with being a lookout, I got a second opinion from Doc.
And they want you to be the lookout? Yeah, I mean, I don't want to do it, but these kids like me, and I've come so far in my coolness.
And I'm just the lookout.
I can't get in any real trouble.
Wrong.
You don't know nothing about crime, do you? You act as a lookout while something felonious occurs, that makes you an accessory.
Yeah, but I'll still be cool, right? Wrong again.
There are a lot of subheadings to being an accessory.
You can be an accessory before the fact.
You can be an accessory after the fact.
Or you can be an accessory during the fact.
In any event, if you get caught, you going to jail.
Doc spent three to five as an accessory.
Do you know how embarrassed I was when you walked in there in that outfit? I don't see why.
That was a perfectly good pair of hot-pink fishnet stockings.
I don't see any sane reason not to wear them.
Okay, you win.
I'll get rid of the coat.
You sure? Now, I don't want to twist your arm.
That's a good coat.
Baby, you look like you're about to ease on down the road.
Yeah, I'm sure.
When all else fails, quit.
ROCHELLE: Where's Drew? Dinner's almost ready.
He's upstairs, working on that cube.
He's been messing with it all day.
He is obsessed with that thing.
What'd you do at school today, Chris? Oh, you know, same old, same old.
TONYA: Uh, my day was great.
We're learning time tables.
Today we did fives.
Five times one is five, and five times two is ten, and five times three is 15.
And five times four is a brick upside your head.
Sure, I could have not shown up, but then every time the cool guys saw me at school, they'd say, "Hey, there goes the guy that's not cool.
" All right, you stand here.
If the cops come, you blow this whistle.
Got it? Yeah, but I don't really think we should be here.
I mean-- I was out where the buses don't run.
I had lost touch with the mother ship.
I was someplace where I didn't belong.
Chris, what are you doing here? Sweatin'.
I'm hanging with the guys from the arcade.
The cool kids? I don't know if they're cool anymore.
What's going on? I'm a lookout.
And if the cops come, I'm supposed to blow this whistle.
Dude, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact.
I know.
I don't even want to be here.
But I'm kind of stuck.
You got to think about this, Chris.
My uncle was a lookout one time, and he ended up getting shot in the throat.
In the throat? Yeah, he didn't die, but he ended up wearing a turtleneck for the rest of his life.
I knew if I didn't blow that whistle I would never be one of the cool kids.
In fact, the cool kids might kill me.
But if being cool meant going to prison, that price was just too high.
So, what are you gonna do? I did what any nerd would do.
That day, Drew lost his cool too.
( groans ) What's wrong with you? Take this thing away from me.
It's evil.
I know.
I hate these things.
Yeah, I never want to see it again.
Me neither.
So what kind of games do you like to play? I love Monopoly.
Really? Me too.
Maybe we can get together and play sometime.
Great.
Uh, can I have your number? I already wrote it down.
Even when Drew failed, he succeeded.
Guys who do the Rufus Cube ended up with other guys who do the Rufus Cube.
Drew ended up with a girl.
Who knew? To solve the Rufus Cube, you either had to have the mind of a genius, or the liver of Lindsay Lohan.
Finally my suspension was up, and for once, Tonya didn't rat me out.
Have a good day at school, Chris.
Thanks, Tonya.
No problem.
If you're wondering why my cool friends didn't come after me and kill me, it's because of what happened to them.
Johnny Boy spent the rest of his life in prison.
Trixie had a tragic pole accident.
I'm gonna move your leg.
( grunts ) Nice and slow here Vito lived a happy, successful life for the next four hours.
Then he was gunned down by some other cool guys.
It seems cool, like beauty, turned out to be in the eye of the beholder.
This task force will not sleep or be deterred until the gang's leader is apprehended.
For the purpose of this case, we're calling him Mr.
Cool, aka Juicy Fruit.
~ Everybody Hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )