Family Guy s03e19 Episode Script

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Some of this stuff you wonder|who would need it in bulk.
I mean, like watermelons.
Touché, CostMart.
- Brian, will you watch Stewie?|- Sure.
Please keep a close eye on him.
|Remember what happened last time.
- Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
|- Shut up! You're not my mother! - Good God! Are you all right?|- Fine.
Why do you ask? Mmm, delicious.
I will seriously|consider purchasing this product.
Oh, what have we here? May I partake? Mmm.
(Japanese accent) Sausage-san.
|Plan to buy for samurai buddies.
You don't have to keep moving to the back.
|You can have as many as you want.
What are you talking about? - Can I have more sausage?|- Yeah, me too? They got a great deal on pianos if you buy|a four-pack.
Meg, help me get these down.
- Lois?|- Oh, my gosh.
- (Meg screams)|- I don't believe this.
Ross Fishman, is that really you? I haven't|seen you since college.
How are you? Great.
Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit.
(chuckling) Oh.
Thank you.
This 12-pack of fungicide|is for my daughter Meg.
Help me.
- He's funny.
|- Is it 1981? Ah, yes, there you are! You people at the Industrial Adhesives|Corporation know how to make a tasty glue.
Well, then, let the banquet begin.
- What are you doing? Don't eat that.
|- For God's sake, don't be such a nerd.
I'm keeping an eye on you.
|If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
- You can let go of my hand now.
|- You can let go of mine.
- Oh|- Crap.
I can't tell you how wonderful|it's been to see you.
It's a crime that it's been so long.
|We were so close.
We could get together for coffee, catch up.
Well I don't know, Ross.
I'm married now.
So am I.
Does that mean we're not allowed|to stay in touch with old friends? Tell you what.
If you change|your mind, here's my card.
Look, Dad.
They have 12-packs of kidneys! You got to buy the cooler, too.
|That's how they get you.
- OK, thanks.
|- Well? The good news is they make|a solvent that'll get us unstuck.
But it takes two weeks for delivery.
We're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?! - You cannot tell Lois about this.
|- What if I do? - I have pictures of you in her wedding dress.
|- You said there was no film in that camera! - Stewie, it's time to change your diaper.
|- Mind if I watch? And I'm ashamed of myself|that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship|just because it was with a man.
Peter's not very understanding|when it comes to you and other men.
Like that time at the movies? I I this is My, this is terribly awkward.
But I I wanted to tell you something.
But I I seem to be|so charmingly befuddled.
- Ah, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
|- Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard! Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you! And when you went to that concert? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
|This next one is for all the ladies out there.
(cheering) Then there was last Saturday night.
- Oh, look at that handsome man.
|- You son of a bitch! I can't let Peter's irrational|emotions run my life! I'm gonna call Ross and see|if it's not too late for his offer.
- Would you mind finishing up?|- Sure.
Yes, do you like cleaning my doody, Brian? Say it.
Say "I like cleaning your doody,|Stewie.
" Ha! Don't forget the taint.
TC, fly the chopper around the island.
|I'll talk to the women.
- Tattoo here will look out for the kidnappers.
|- Higgins.
We'll need security to unlock|the gate for me.
OK, Tattoo? - It's Higgins.
|- What? The name is Higgins.
- What's your name?|- Tattoo.
Oh, Peter.
I'm just|gonna go out for a few hours.
So, I I'll return in a few hours.
Yeah, I'll do it when this is over.
Hey, Lois, can you grab me a beer? - Lois?|- Dad, I think she went out.
- Then you be Lois.
|- OK.
Lois, can you grab me a beer?|Oh, my God! You've really let yourself go! Maybe if you bought me|nice clothes once in a while! (siren) (PA) Peter Griffin, we know you're in there!|Come out with your hands up! - Fooled ya!|- (laughter) You sure did.
What the hell is this? The new police surveillance van.
|We're going on a beer run.
Wanna join us? I quit drinking.
I might be an alcoholic.
- What?|- Oh, my God! (laughs) Fooled ya! Come on.
Let's go drink|till we can't feel feelings any more.
This van has the latest in|law-enforcement technology.
Watch.
(PA) Suspect! Suspect!|You have the right to remain silent! (laughs) Sweet.
- Let me try.
|- Cleveland, don't! Minority suspect! Minority suspect!|Danger, he's got a gun! Oh! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Hey, Joe! The van's gone! It's got a cloaking device that|disguises it as two homeless guys fighting over a wedge of cheese.
Peter, isn't that Lois|over there in that diner? - Why would Lois be there? I already ate.
|- Take a look.
Oh, my God! That is Lois!|Why the hell would she Whoa.
I can see your skin cells.
I saw you on Scientific American.
|You looked great.
- Please! Where my eyes are half-closed?|- God, just take the damn compliment! - What is Lois doing with another man?|- Is it possible she's a whore? Just on weekends? To help pay for|her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? Let's start over.
Hi, I'm Quagmire.
- I wish I knew what she was saying.
|- I think I can help.
Oh, your wife and children are beautiful.
It's|so good to catch up, Ross.
I'm glad I called.
I'm glad you did, too.
|Was your husband OK with you coming? Uh Yes, he turned out|to be just fine with it.
All right.
Let's see what we can pick up.
(man) Please don't spit in my eggs.
|Please don't spit in my eggs.
Thank you for the eggs!|I hope he didn't spit in my eggs.
(man #2) Doug, I spit in that guy's eggs.
(man #3) Our armies are ready.
|We will leave the sewers and strike back at the humans|in the overworld.
I'm glad we both found someone|to make us happy.
(Lois) I enjoy being with you, Ross.
|I'm having a great time.
Oh, my God! That's who that is.
|Ross Fishman, Lois's old boyfriend.
- We're losing them.
|- I gotta hear more.
The power's not supposed to go that high! (man) Damn itch.
I wonder who gave it to me.
Probably that skank who needed a ride.
|Last time I do somebody a favour.
Oh, God! They must have heard me!|Oh, God! I can hear me! (hums Sousa march) (licking) Ugh! What the hell|do you think you're doing?! I'm cleaning myself.
You were clean 15 minutes ago.
|Now you're just on vacation.
So, Lois is seeing old boyfriends, huh?|Well, two can play at that game.
I just gotta find my little black book.
(" dramatic music) Ah, here it is.
- Brenda?|- Peter! Oh, my God.
It's been 25 years! Yeah.
So, I guess you're married now, huh? Yeah.
(thud) Hey, Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant! Hey, what's up, Pete? Long time no see.
Patty, the years have been great to you.
- I owe that to my better half.
|- Who is it, sir? - Angie?|- Peter? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Come in! Uh what is all this stuff? Peter, I have been waiting|for this moment for 25 years! I haven't washed my hand|since you touched it.
Oh, my God! That's disgusting! And look! Look! I left the toilet just|as it was the night we went to the prom.
It's the little piece of you|that's kept your memory alive.
But now I have you back.
Oh, well.
At least I still have you.
You hungry? - (siren)|- Oh, crap.
Let me handle this.
You were going 65, fella.
That's ten miles|over the Why are you holding his hand? - We met on the Internet.
|- Shut up! He lured me to the park with promises|of candy and funny stories.
- Ever hear of super industrial adhesive?|- Actually, yes, we have.
- Dad, why do you keep looking at the door?|- Oh, Meg.
You and your drugs.
- (doorbell)|- I wonder who that could be.
- Peter Gifford?|- My God! Dora, my old girlfriend.
What a surprise that you would look me up!|You always thought I was so handsome.
Peter, can I see you in the other room? - Yeah, go.
Say it.
|- Should I? - I can't.
|- Just say it.
How far can you get this banana|I can't say it.
She's looking right at me.
What the hell is this about? - It's about you and Ross Fishman!|- What?! I saw you and him breaking|the Fifth Commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason! That's it! You're suffocating me|with your jealousy.
I can't take it any more.
I'm calling a marriage counsellor.
|I can't even have coffee with a friend! - What is your problem?!|- You want to know what my problem is? - I love too much!|- What are you talking about? - Don't you see? We're alive!|- You're scaring me.
Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me,|Lois.
Dance the dance of life! Maybe you should call that counsellor.
Mr and Mrs Griffin,|I've reviewed your situation.
- I have a suggestion.
|- We'll do whatever it takes.
I'd like to put video cameras|in every room of your house so I can observe your|uncensored behaviour.
Just like that show Big Brother.
|Except somebody'll be watching.
I've looked through the footage.
I've compiled an accurate cross section|of your home life.
Here are the results.
- Peter, give Chris a spanking.
|- OK.
Chris, I'm watching the game.
|You know what to do.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Ow! "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot.
" "Today he was out|in the yard raking leaves.
" "God, I wish he'd throw me|into that pile of leaves.
" Hey, what's everybody|Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! (crying) Keep going.
No.
It's step, hip, step, pivot.
|Are you trying to piss off the volcano? Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it.
Ooh, that feels good.
- Can you give me a hand with this jar?|- Oh, for heaven's sake, Peter.
- (Lois screams)|- (laughs) Gotcha.
To be honest, I've never seen|such dysfunction.
Mr and Mrs Griffin, what I'm about|to suggest may seem unorthodox.
I recommend a trial separation, during which|time I advise that you date other people.
I believe this will help you|gather perspective.
- Date other people?!|- Oh, my God! I realise this is upsetting.
|That's why I've invited Howie Mandel to lighten the mood by blowing up|a surgical glove with his nose.
(laughs) This feels really weird, Lois.
I know.
But maybe the doctor's right.
|This time apart could be good for us.
I don't know.
Splitting up didn't work|too well for Pacman and his wife.
- Forget about her.
|- You're too good for her anyway.
- Cheer up, man.
|- Hey, you want to eat us? Huh? - We're turning blue!|- I've got nowhere to run.
He's gonna get us! - Oh.
|- Oh.
He's not budging.
|Come on.
Let's go to Qbert's.
- I appreciate you putting me up, Cleveland.
|- Our house is your house, Peter.
I'd sit here and chat, but I need|to get back upstairs to Loretta because it's our anniversary|and the getting's good.
(Cleveland) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! When is it gonna be my turn?|Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! You are welcome to stay|as long as you like.
Thanks, Muriel.
So, what do you guys|do for fun around here? We like to watch old movies|while listening to "Hotel California" to see if it syncs up in a significant way.
And so far, no.
Nothing has.
(phone rings) - Hello?|- Is Peter there? Oh, hi, Quagmire.
No, Peter's not home.
We're we're having|some minor marital problems.
Our therapist has advised us|to date other people.
- Hey, Lois, you want to go out?|- What? I don't know, Glen.
Peter and I just separated.
|I feel like I need more time.
- How about now?|- We are supposed to see other people.
I guess it's better to go out|with you than some sex pervert.
I'm in! Giggetty-gaggety-gaggety-goo! (gasping breaths) Oh.
God blast it!|Will you hold it for five seconds?! (panting) OK.
So, Mr Griffin, how does it feel|to be a bachelor on the prowl again? It's not as great as you'd think.
I don't have|the same way with women that I used to.
- (coughs)|- That was nice.
That was nice.
I had a great time with you today,|beautiful stranger.
What's your sign? (coughs) (chuckles) Gross.
I still think|you're neat, though.
You should try a video dating service.
|That's how Muriel and I met.
Let me show you Mort's tape.
|He was so charming.
Agh! Oh, my eyes! Could you please|turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas.
Ladies, I'm a very desperate man.
My name is Mort and I live with my mother.
|And I have very low standards.
(sneezes) Oh, God!|There's blood in my mucus! (buzzing) Agh! What the hell is wrong with you?! Hey, there's the mail! Oh, finally.
It takes an hour for the solvent to take effect.
What takes an hour? We could watch|Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand-up.
Ba-zing.
We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.
Thank you for being such a good friend|and looking after me.
No problem.
It's chilly out,|so I brought you a jacket.
- Oh.
No, thanks.
I'll be fine.
|- Please? Muriel and I feel that you need to follow|your therapist's advice and start dating.
- Jeez, Mort.
I don't know if I'm ready.
|- Come on, stud.
We've set it up for you|to go out with our niece.
Honey! Come on out here|and meet Peter Griffin.
This is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
- Nice to meet you.
|- All right, I'm getting up.
Hi.
Peter Griffin.
We can go anywhere except|the disco.
They don't let me in any more.
(" disco music) Ow! Crafty Mexicans and your glass candy.
- What's going on?|- There's a girl in that well.
- Oh, my God!|- Nobody has arms long enough to reach her.
Except that guy.
But he's helping|that woman tickle a midget.
Tee-hee.
Stop it.
Tee-hee.
Oh, God, you want to rescue her, don't you? It's times like this I wish they'd|used me for stem-cell research.
Help me! It rubs the lotion on its skin,|or else it gets the hose again.
Ha! All right, I'm gonna lower you in.
I just noticed.
How often do you see|a 17th-century well in this day and age? - Hurry up.
The glue's wearing off!|- All right, all right! We're not stuck together any more.
- Thank God!|- You said it.
- Want to hold hands on the walk home?|- Sure.
Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute.
This isn't my little girl.
Hey, that was my wife! - Tee-hee!|- Tee-hee! - I Know What You Did Last Summer?|- Never heard of it.
- The Devil and Daniel Webster?|- Nope.
- Party of Five?|- Was that a porno? Sometimes you gotta do a lot of crap|before they put you in anything decent.
The food here is fantastic.
|This is where I took Lois on our first date.
You ordered a pie for an appetiser? I'll go to the john and fire one out in five|minutes.
That should make room for dinner.
- Here's your table, Mr Quagmire.
|- Thanks.
How about drinks? Martini for you and the usual|roofie colada for your date? No, no, no.
I wouldn't bring|A glass of wine.
Oh, my God! That's Jennifer Love Hewitt! Wow! I wonder who she's here with.
|She could date any man she wanted to.
There.
Made lots of room.
That sign in the bathroom about washing|your hands, that's for the staff, right? - Technically, yes.
|- That's what I thought.
Great.
Oh, man! These all look good,|every one of 'em.
- You want some bread?|- No! Peter, is that you? Peter?! Oh, no! I can't let him see me! It's OK, Quagmire.
We're just doing|what the therapist said to do.
Peter, I think it's great you're out|with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Hi.
I loved you in Heartbreakers.
You be on your best behaviour.
- Here you go, sweetheart.
Open up.
|- No! - (squeals)|- There you go.
Isn't this romantic? That's it! You have got to be the most vile,|disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been|more turned-on in my life.
Hold on, toots!|I don't care what our therapist says.
I won't stand by and watch my husband|lock lips with another woman! Beat it! - What's your problem, grandma?|- You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! And the flight was delayed,|so the headphones were free! Wow.
That was pretty cool, Lois.
I guess I finally understand (yells) (yells) You better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand|how you can get so jealous sometimes.
Seeing her kiss you like that|just made me crazy.
I guess we're gonna have to learn|to control our jealousy together.
Together.
Ma'am, you dropped your napkin.
Here's your drink, sir.
We'll work on it later.
I love you, Lois.
I love you too, Peter.
What a couple of freaks.
|God, I need a drink.
Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada.