Home Improvement s03e19 Episode Script

Hi.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant Al "This Land Is" Borland.
Today we're talking about Binford's new high-tech security alarm systems for cars, 'cause a secure car is a happy car.
While a car that isn't so secure can cost you thousands of dollars in therapy fees.
The most inexpensive way to protect your car is with the Binford 6100 steering-wheel lock.
It's a good lock, but if you've got a larger car - a monster truck, front-end loader or a space shuttle - you want the Binford 61,000,000.
Now, there's a lock.
Look at the size of that thing.
Well, if you wanna go the more sophisticated route (bad English accent) You might wanna watch Masterpiece Tool Time with your host Alistair Bo-o-o-orland.
Would that be an English accent? I was talking more along the lines of an electric car alarm, the most basic of which will go off if your doors or windows are tampered with.
Right, but you can customize.
You can have automatic door locks, ignition cutoff, gas cutoff.
And not a moment too soon.
Very funny, Tim.
I'm sure our nursery-school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.
(hisses) Now, if you wanna go the whole hog, you No.
You probably want the Binford Thiefbuster 1000.
It has a personalized voice warning system.
I installed it on this pony myself.
(alarm chirps) Act like a thief.
(Tim's voice) Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? I made the car alarm a little less sensitive.
Only big flies set it off.
What's going on? It's the Cooking With Irma audience.
They're starting a little early.
You wanna give me a hand? No one told me about this.
They're bringing in the set, pronto.
Hey, Irma.
Oh! Hi, guys! Hi.
What's cookin'? I'm making up a batch of my ratatouille.
Really? Hmm.
How many parts rat, how many parts (imitates Irma) "tatouille"? Oh, Timothy, I just love your delightful insouciance.
Al, would you like a taste? I thought you would never ask.
You bake this, Irma? Ooh, boy! Do I detect a hint of tarragon and a soupçon of oregano? Oh, very good, Al.
Well, I use that in my own ratatouille.
You gals have so much in common.
I have just had some wonderful news.
I just found out that my daughter has had a beautiful baby girl! Congratulations.
Congratulations, Irma.
I can't believe that my sweet radish has a little cabbage of her own.
Where was the cabbage delivered, in salad bar? Oh, Timothy, you are incorrigible.
Anyway, I'm gonna be gone until next Sunday, and I was wondering if I could impose on you to fill in for me.
You know, be Irma for a week.
Irma for a week?! I don't know.
Come on, Tim.
Irma needs our help.
Her radish just had a cabbage.
Well, when you put it like that, Al Hmm I could host it.
We could have that Spam casserole.
Al could assist me.
Oh, well, as a matter of fact, since Al is such a wonderful cook, I was hoping that he would host it and that you would assist him.
Uh I don't I really don't think Al would be comfortable with that.
I would love the opportunity.
In fact, you might say I would relish it.
"Relish"? Oh, Al! I just admire your joie de vivre.
That's French for "big butt crack," isn't it? Hey, Mom.
Hey, Mom.
Hi, kids.
How was school? Great.
We got our class pictures back.
Good.
Let me see.
Where are you? Third one from the right.
You're a little Asian girl? I meant the left.
Oh, you look so cute! Thanks, Mommy.
You look great.
Randy, let me see yours.
I look like a total dork.
Yeah, right.
Let me see it.
Where are you? There.
You look very cute, for somebody who's looking at the girl next to him with his tongue hanging out.
Yep.
Her name's Beth.
Jeremy said I should ask her to go steady.
Really? Does she feel the same way about you? I don't know.
I've never talked to her.
Well, then asking her to go steady may be a bit of a leap.
What should I say to her? You could say something like "Hello.
" Yeah.
"Hello.
" That's good.
"Hello, Beth.
" No.
Maybe, "Hi, Beth.
" Or maybe "Hi" and no "Beth.
" She knows who she is, right? Right? Right.
Will you relax.
Sit down.
Pretend that I'm Beth.
You know, just talk to me.
I don't know what to say.
Tell me I'm pretty.
Are you Mom or Beth? (sternly) Does it matter? You're pretty, Beth.
And Mom.
(imitates Julia Child) I'm ready for my cooking debut.
Al, something smells wonderful back here.
Goodness, it's me! Tim, the show is about to begin.
Are you wearing an apron? Brought one from home.
Does everybody know who's in the kitchen? Irma! That's right, it's Cooking With Irma with special guest chef Al Borland! (applause) (musical flourish) Thank you, Klaus.
Thank you, Heidi.
That's right, I'm Al "The Food Man" Borland.
You all know my assistant Tim "Doesn't Know Gumbo From Dumbo" Taylor.
Not so.
Dumbo, of course, is a pachyderm.
Gumbo is a flexible green guy that rides Pokey.
OK, well, today, we are cooking Cajun style, and that means gumbo.
Now, one of the most important ingredients in gumbo is Gum.
Lots of gum.
Just take it off the bottom of tables and Tim.
That would be okra.
Okra! From the great state of Okra-homa.
That's a joke.
Half state, half vegetable.
Like Arkan-slaw.
There's no sense making jokes about food, is there? Now Ha-ha! The wonderful thing about gumbo is that, in addition to your vegetables and your spices, you can throw just about anything into the pot.
You know, if we put Al's mom in the pot, we'd have jumbo gumbo.
You'd have to know Al's mom to get that joke.
She's a large, angry woman.
Like so many of you out there today.
All right, well Getting back to our Cajun cooking, do you think that they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage? Oh, come on! You thought that was funny, but you didn't like "Okra-homa"? Why don't you be a big help and take the tops off those peppers? Now, Cajun cooking is distinguished by using a lot of very hot peppers, and, um (Tim yells) As Tim has just demonstrated here, if you happen to bite into a pepper, you wanna drink plenty of milk, never water.
(yells) Water will only make it worse.
Or you can bite into a piece of bread.
But not jalapeño bread.
Good night, Mrs.
McDowell.
Thank you for coming, Mrs.
Yost.
Remember the weather report from the kitchen - "Chili today, hot tamale.
" Hey! They loved me! They hated me.
Well, you started off a little rocky, but once you were in too much pain to talk, boy, the show really took off.
I'm gonna take off.
I don't wanna do this tomorrow.
What are you talking about? Come on.
You don't need me here.
You cook well enough by yourself.
I'm just a burden.
How many guys does it take to lift a radish? Now come on.
We promised Irma.
Besides, tomorrow, I'm cooking with poultry, and I'm gonna need some help.
Why don't you get one of your blue-haired groupies to help you out? I get it.
I see what it is.
You're just jealous because now I'm the star.
The star? You're guest hosting a cable cooking show.
Yeah, well, I know why you're backing out.
It's just because you're not the center of attention.
I just don't like being your dopey sidekick.
You know how demeaning that is? Don't look at me like that.
This is not like Tool Time.
No, it's not like Tool Time, because you're the star, and I'm the dopey sidekick! I've never used the word "sidekick.
" Hey, Randy, wait till you hear this.
I talked to Ashley, and Beth is mildly interested in you.
All right, she's mildly interested! They're coming over after school to hang together.
If she likes you, she's gonna give Ashley the nod.
"The nod"? You remember the nod.
Oh, right.
The nod.
Do you guys know how stupid you look? I can't believe Beth's coming here.
What if I don't have anything to say to her? Sit there and talk about yourself the whole time.
Women love that.
I'm surprised you didn't tell him to burp for Beth.
You gotta save something for the second date.
(chuckles) What's cookin'? It's gumbo.
Ohh Al's recipe.
But, of course, I added a few things of my own.
I thought Al was really good on that show today.
What did you think of me? Well, for a guy who doesn't know anything about cooking, I thought you came across as a guy who doesn't know anything about cooking.
That's why I'm not doing it anymore.
Makes sense.
Al thinks it's 'cause I can't stand not being the center of attention.
That makes more sense.
I don't always have to be the center of attention.
Our wedding - I let you walk down the aisle by yourself.
While you were making shadow puppets on the pulpit! Can I have some salt, please? This is your problem, Tim.
You cannot be in front of a group of people without being the center of attention.
That's what you did on Al's show today.
I need pepper - cayenne.
I just can't help it.
You know how hard it is for me to stand in front of people and not make 'em laugh? You did a pretty darn good job of that today.
"Okra-homa"? "Arkan-slaw" was funny.
Hand me that celery.
I'm just not cut out to be somebody's assistant.
You have been assisting me this whole time making the gumbo.
Oh.
I could do that.
Look, all you gotta do is do your homework.
Then when you go and help Al tomorrow, you'll be in better shape.
I will sit down, and I will tell you everything that I know about cooking.
OK.
Maybe I'd better get a cookbook.
This is very good lemonade.
Thanks.
My mom made it.
You know, Beth, Randy's a really funny guy.
Really? I like funny people.
Yeah, Randy, say something funny.
Uh OK.
I got a joke.
What do you call bad lemonade? What? Lemon lemonade.
(forced laughter) I don't get it.
That's the last time I use one of Dad's joke.
Would anybody like a homemade sugar cookie? (Beth) Yeah.
(Brad) I would, please.
Are you enjoying the lemonade? Yes, it's great, thank you.
Beth, I think I met your parents at Back-to-School night.
Your mother is the, um Aerobics instructor.
Oh yeah.
I remember her.
These are really great sugar cookies.
My mom doesn't keep sweets in our house.
She says they make you fat.
Well, if you guys need me I'll be upstairs doing stomach crunches.
Beth, another cooker snoogie? I-I mean, a booger cookie? Is it hot in here? I'll be right back.
(sighs) Oh, man.
I am such a dork.
Experiencing some adolescent angst, preteen Taylor? Oh Sorry, Wilson.
Mm-hmm.
I just made a jerk of myself in front of a girl.
Well, Randy Taylor, welcome to the tribe of men.
I mean, I don't get it.
I really like Beth, but ever since she got here, I've been saying really dumb things.
Randy, probably that's because you're sailing in unfamiliar waters.
I'm sure the first time Romeo met a girl, he probably said some dumb things, too.
Hello? Right here.
Oh.
Did Romeo ask Juliet if she wanted a "booger cookie"? Mm mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm, mmm.
Now, that is a gaffe and a half.
Heh-heh.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe I'm not cut out for this romance stuff.
(laughs) Well, Randy, when it comes to winning the affections of a young lady, you might heed the advice of Thomas Herrick.
What'd he say, Wilson? He said, "To get thine ends, lay bashfulness aside.
He that fears to ask doth be denied.
" So what you're saying is, "No guts, no glory.
" Very good, young Taylor.
You know, there are those among us who wouldn't have picked it up that quickly.
So I gotta keep trying, huh? You may not have to try too hard.
I think the lady's equally smitten with you.
What makes you say that? Because ever since you came out back, she's been staring at you.
Oh.
Thanks, Wilson.
(chuckles) Hey, what were the first words you said to a girl you had a crush on? I believe they were, "Hidey-ho, good-lookin'.
" Thanks, Wilson.
As we all know, the French are the masters of the kitchen.
Nothing says "bonjour" better than duck.
Now, the first thing I'm going to be needing here is a large roasting pan.
It's over here.
Where did I? Thank you.
I didn't think you were joining me in the kitchen today.
I'm your assistant.
Where else would I be? Well, great.
Thank you.
OK, well.
Shall we begin by explaining how we're going to dress our duck? How do you dress a duck? If it's formal, coat and tie.
Now, once I get finished stuffing the duck, I will be closing it up.
And for that, I think you'll be using a poultry lacer.
Actually, Tim, I was thinking of using some "duck" tape.
I don't think so, Al.
Tim, you wanna double check to see if I've preheated our oven to 350 degrees? OK.
I also read that you shouldn't overstuff your duck 'cause it gets in there Tim, I think I know what I'm doing.
I'm just saying That's fine.
We've also moved our rack to the top level so that bird will come out nice and crispy.
Voilà.
OK, we're all ready for the duck.
OK.
Get it before the heat goes out.
Yeah.
I just Just making sure that that is stuffed in there.
You want me to give you a hand? I think I know what I'm doing, Tim.
What Al's done here is actually develop a new recipe.
You've heard of pheasant under glass.
This would be quacker through the glass.
Join us tomorrow for our salute (cow moos) to beef.
( theme song) (turns off TV) Well, Tim, I'm very impressed.
See what a great second banana you were? It would have been a tragedy had that second banana split.
It's 5:30.
I wonder where Randy is.
He's probably with Beth, getting more nods.
Like father, like son, you know.
What do you mean by that? If you recall, on our first date, you gave me the nod.
Yeah, that was all you got.
I'm home! Hey, killer.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
How'd it go? Well we're past the nod stage.
What? She gave me a kiss.
What?! Mom.
What would you have done if I'd kissed you on the first date? Would've woken up.
Hi! Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant Al Oh.
We got that out of the way.
Cut.
Pick it up.
I see what it is.
You're just jealous because now I'm the star.
Oh, back the bread basket up, buddy.
You're just substitute host for a cable cooking show.